The Mindful Masculinity M5I-C System by Chris Cooper

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

© Christina Melanie Cooper 2012 Published 2012 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or utilized in any form of my any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission in writing from the author, other than fair use in the format of quotations for reviews and references. But if you like it, feel free to share it with anyone you want in its original format.

In fact – I encourage you to ... CM. Cooper Nørregade 63 5000 Odense C Denmark ISBN 978-87-995276-0-2

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

The M5I-C system

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

The M5I-C system Content The 4Cs ....................................... 6 I-01 IGNITE .................................... 9 I-02 ILLUMINATE .............................. 11 I-03 IMPROVE .................................. 14 I-04 INTEGRITY ................................ 16 I-05 INTEGRATE .............................. 18 Contact ........................................ 21 References .................................... 22

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

The four C's Curiosity Compassion Congruency & Courage The four Cs are values. Core level values. I call them the ignition values. They are also personal qualities. Worth cultivating for anyone aspiring to be a Mindful Male. Mindful masculinity is about RECLAIMING your power as a Man. Do not think the term “mindfulness” just refers to sitting on a cushion staring into a wall. True mindfulness is not always terribly pleasant. It takes courage to be a mindful male. It takes courage to sit down, shut up and be present with whatever is there. Most human beings would much rather jump of a cliff, than sit perfectly quiet for 20 minutes, if even that long. “Hot boredom” is a term for the feeling of itchiness and wanting to find some pleasant distraction from seeing what is really there. In your mind. Right now. Clearly. “Cool boredom” is the experience of allowing presence to unfold. Breath by breath, moment by moment. As it is. Perfectly natural. “Supernatural” in the sense of extra-ordinary. Perfectly ordinary. Not exuberantly blissful and nothing to be afraid of. Taking full responsibility for whatever is there, and whatever comes up and needs attention. CM. Cooper © 2012 – all rights reserved www.undercover-coaching.com

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Meditation teacher David Nichtern phrases it like this: “Somehow, we might think that meditation will make us feel good and make our life will go more smoothly, and in a way that is true. From that point of view, it is like seeing our house, how basically workable it is, how comfortable it is, how good it is to have it. However, our practice will also bring to the surface that which has been hidden - to be seen, to be known and to be purified. This part of the process is more like taking a fresh look at our house, seeing the mess, seeing the dirt, and undertaking to clean it up.” Compassion, courage, curiosity and congruency are values a Mindful Male lives by. He seeks to connect with women who are aligned with these values. He desires to cultivate compassion, curiosity and does so with courage. When he connects with women, he does so through Passion, Purpose, Playfulness and Presence. Authenticity. In my ebook “7 Keys to Sophisticated Seduction” I dive deeper into how that translates into a framework that will inspire you to be a “player” in the very best sense of the word. Know yourself, is key #1. Get a grip of your values. This is what makes a man truly attractive. In a word we do not hear very often: Virtues. Compassion is a virtue worth cultivating, not coincidentally the number one virtue that in all major religious practices as well in numerous philosophies is regarded amongst the greatest of personal virtues a human being can posses. Your level of “self-esteem” and sense of self-worth will skyrocket, when you start practising compassion and kindness towards others. Consistently and congruently. Yes, even the people you do not feel “deserve it”. Actually, especially those. Not being a doormat, but simply refraining from “biting the hook” and playing other peoples games. Not letting your Ego play you at your own games.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Cultivating curiosity – daring to explore your inner as well as your external world, is what at the very CORE level separates men who live on autopilot and those who are Mindful Males. Courage - fearlessness is at the root of what makes a Man attractive to women and respected among men. Respected by women too. Fearlessness, is not being “free from fear”. REAL courage, is being scared shitless – but you do whatever you need to do, all the same. The foolish child-version is the “devil-may-care” and “I don't give a fuck” attitude, that places other people in danger and serves no other purpose than making one person look cool and lets other people feel either worried, embarrassed or uncomfortable. That is not courage, that is just being immature and stupid. The kind of courage HEROES are made of, is compassionate courage. Saving a life, is courage. Choosing the way of the Warrior, not the “worrier” is courage. Aligning with your Passion and Purpose – is courage. Being consistent, in the face of challenges that may seem difficult and prompts you to want to give up, go home and destroy all evidence you ever tried. Facing your deepest fears. Your TRUE fears, not the silly stories we all tell ourselves on a regular basis. All human beings fear dying. We all fear being alone, not seen, not heard and not being loved for who we are and the virtues we value and posses. Seeking to connect with others, with authenticity all the same. Knowing you may not find what you seek at first. Knowing you may think you have found it, and it does not work out anyway. Daring to learn what you need to learn from the experience. That is courage. Being truly PRESENT – with yourself, seeing clearly - is courage.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

I-01.

Ignite! Is another word for making fire, you know an engine needs ignition to get moving, here IGNITE simply means: Align with your Passion, Purpose and get your ass in gear. • •

Do you know what your true passion is? What your purpose in life is?

If not, start here. •

What would you like to be remembered for, when you are gone?

The Mindful Male is aligned with his Passion & Purpose every single day. It is what makes him get out of bed in the mornings. It is what he lives and breathes for. The Mindful Male is not satisfied with just “having interests” and “getting by”. He lives for passion and with passion. He has a purpose, and he is not afraid to show it. He seeks out the company of others who live with passion, purpose and presence. He strives to live congruently with the values that supports his passion & purpose. A good way of aligning yourself with passion and purpose, is by taking a few minutes to think about your CORE values. Use the framework presented in the exercises available on my website to elicit your own core values, and align your DAILY actions with these.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Get the FIRE in your heart burning. You only have one life. What is it going to be? One of those, where on your deathbed you are thinking “if only ..” and “what if ..” -? Or one of those, where every single night, you go to bed and drift off into a peaceful state of rest and restitution. Safe in the knowledge that you have done your very best to live as congruently, passionately and playfully present with as much compassion as you possibly could? Constantly improving, what needs to be improved and burning away the waste and excess with a sharp torch of intelligent illumination?

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

I-02.

Illuminate Shed some light on your dark sides. I am not just talking about “limiting beliefs” although these might well be a part of the illumination process. Limiting beliefs, however, are only symptoms You want to get to the ROOT of whatever issues and challenges you may have. I am talking about your SHADOW, as defined by Carl Jung: “A man who is possessed by his shadow is always standing in his own light and falling into his own traps, living below his own level” 1 What are you not so proud of, in terms of the way you think, feel and the way you move through the world? Face it, deal with it and work on it. Improve what needs to be improved. Confront whatever “ghosts” you may have in your past. Make peace with them, and they will stop bothering you and sabotaging you in your path and on your endeavours. Skeletons in your closet? Get them out in the open.

1 Jung, C.G The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious p. 123

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Illuminate your weak points. • • • • • • •

What frustrates you? What can make you lash out in anger? What makes you feel down? What makes you want to hide away and be afraid? When? Why? How?

Practice not setting up the target2, for others to provoke you into reacting with aggression. Dare to feel before you act. Face your fears of “not being good enough” or your fears of being powerful beyond your wildest dreams. "The shadow personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself. If and when an individual makes an attempt to see his shadow, he becomes aware of (and often ashamed of) those qualities and impulses he denies in himself but can plainly see in others — such things as egotism, mental laziness, and sloppiness; unreal fantasies, schemes, and plots; carelessness and cowardice; inordinate love of money and possessions”3 Face – reality. We all have a shadow. Dont be afraid of it. Your shadow is where the insight into how to live a life of love, light and passion is at. According to Jung, our shadows manifests in our dreams. Often in the form of a woman (for men) and in the form of a man for women. But it may also manifest in the form of abstract nightmares, dreams of encountering mythical beings, stormy weather, even inanimate objects. Lucid dreaming, is a valid method for working with your shadow.

2 Chödron, Pema “Start where you are” p.1 3 Jung, C.G The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious p. 284

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Your shadow is where you harbour resentment. It is where your anger, disappointments and regrets have been allowed to fester and go septic. Your shadow is where you keep your deepest, darkest fantasies. The shadow is powerful when we ignore it. It is even more powerful when we repress it. When we form intimate relationships with others, our shadows tend to collide. If you have no clue as to what is really going on, you may think something is wrong with either you, or the other person. You may be prone to simply running away, if you are fearful of confronting your shadow. The behaviour dictated by your shadow, may even feel like a “safe place”. Retorting to aggression and / or aloofness, instead of embracing kindness and compassion. Deeper relationships of any kind are impossible to maintain, when the shadows of your subconscious mind is not addressed and dealt with, but rather actively repressed. The way in which you choose to relate, connect and dis-connect with women, tells you a lot about your shadow. Nothing mysterious about it – if you have resentments against your mother in any way or form, this IS going to influence the way you connect and dis-connect with women. How you treat them, how you relate to them – how you love them, or fail to show them that you care. Whenever you are seducing a woman, you are ALSO seducing yourself. Approach with curiosity, compassion and courage. When you dare to illuminate your dark side, it becomes workable. You can even make friends with it. Let it serve and not sabotage you.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

I-03.

Improve Constantly, with compassion and curiosity. Ask yourself on a daily basis “How can I improve?” Look at your goals, dreams and ambitions and use a structured method for measuring your progress. Challenge your motivation. Improve your capacity for critical thinking. Question everything. Notice your own languaging. Notice the languaging of others. Metaphors are the gateway to the subconscious. Your choice of words displays your values. Sometimes strong and other times subtly. Mind your language – when you adopt the metaphors of others, without questioning the values they are displaying, you are “programming” your mind with THEIR values. Question them. You integrate the values of others into your subconscious mind, by adopting phrases, metaphors, definitions – even “innocent” slangexpressions and subculture specific terminology. Make sure they are aligned with your own core values, before you adopt them and integrate them into your own mindset. If not, improve on the ideas and concepts by using the words that express YOUR values. Practice observation, rather than falling short of accurate perception by layering on assumptions on interpretations that may or may not be accurate. Challenge your beliefs. Challenge your awareness filters.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Challenge your habits – improve on the way you choose to stay healthy, the way you choose to learn new skills. Challenge the beliefs you have around the skills you are choosing to improve on. Beware of what you become, in search for what you desire. Question your ultimate goals. Focus on what WORKS, and discard any habits that do not serve you. Cut away the bullshit and the faulty logic from the conceptualisations you may have about “how things really are”, that may well have been inherited from someone else, who based THEIR ideas and theories on faulty logic, and assumptions based on sloppy thinking. Be curious about how you think, feel, relate and connect with others. Be curious about how OTHERS think, feel, relate and connect. Improve your way of dealing with “negative” emotions. Improve your way of dealing with “positive emotions”. Allow yourself to feel pleasure, enthusiasm, happiness, sasisfaction, fulfilment – JOY. The Mindful Male knows that at the root of ANY “negative” state of mind, is a basis of clarity, compassion or equanimity. Improve – by learning how to access a CLEAR state of mind. Use a simple, disciplined, compassion-based practice of actual meditation. Stick with the practice. Learn, how beyond confusion there is clarity. Beyond frustration is equanimity. Beyond loneliness is an all-encompassing state of compassion. This is what in Buddhism is known as transmutation4. Monotheists might label such experience “presence of God”. By working WITH any unpleasant state of mind, instead of working against it, transmutation of the emotion ensues. Dont just repress, express or let it dissipate. Use your sharply focused intelligence, and notice emotions with the intent of seeing clearly and cutting through confusion with the sword of honest compassion. 4 Trungpa, Chöguam “The Myth of Freedom” p. 73

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

I-04.

Integrity What is integrity? Nothing more than the simple function of: A) Congruency in Action = acting in accordance with your core values + B) Cultivating Compassion When you do this, you need not worry about “accidentally” being an asshole to neither women in specific or other human beings in general. Think about the actions you can take, the choices you make and the intentions you state on an everyday basis that allows others to see you as being a Man of Integrity. Keeping your word. If you did not already – make a note of this. Sometimes, we promise others things and favours that in that moment? It makes us feel good, generous and giving to do so. But what happens, if you for whatever reason fail to keep that promise? Maybe you forgot, or maybe it could not be done. Whomever you did not keep your promise to, is going to make an ever so subtle mental note of your lack of action. It can be a small thing. Perhaps it does not matter much. In itself. Often, others are too polite to mention that it mattered, or do not want to “make a big fuss” about whatever it was that you promised them. That does not mean, that it did not matter. It does matter.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

If you are congruently failing to keep your word, you become one of those people that are simply viewed as being un-trustworthy. In effect – you are lying to people, when you “give them your word” and you fail to keep it. It does not matter why. Most people are not going to care. They simply observe your actions, and notice that they are not congruent with your good intentions. Others may even interpret your lack of action as being deliberately malicious and manipulative, eventhough that may not at all be the case. You may think, you are “just being sloppy”. But in effect – you are being less than compassionate. No matter how many other “good deeds” you do, rest assured, that failing to keep even ONE promise to someone, where it really mattered? Hurts your personal integrity, and makes it more difficult for YOU to state your own boundaries with clarity. The signals you are sending to your subconscious mind, with your words, choices and actions – alignment with you core values or lack herof - are unambiguous in terms of integrity. Want to be respected? BE respectful. Be mindful of the promises you make, and keep a score of the words you give to others. Remind your SELF. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

I-05.

Integrate Integrate the wisdom of acting in accordance with your own personal integrity into EVERY intention you set. Every single action you take and every choice you make. Set the intention of actively ILLUMINATING your intentions, your motives, your goals, ideas, beliefs, behaviours and choices. Integrate the power of PASSION & PURPOSE to ignite your own drive. Integrate compassion with COURAGE. Dare – to care about others. Dare to care about who YOU are, what you stand for, how you want to be remembered and who you want to attract. DARE to be CURIOUS. Dare to explore, dare to connect. DARE to be PLAYFULL. Being light-hearted and daring to keep an open mind. Observe the silly stories you tell yourself. Appreciate the irony in how your shadow will sometimes trip you up and sabotage your attempts of being loved, valued and connected. Appreciate the irony in how we as human beings do the most ridiculous things, just to avoid looking in the mirror of our own realities.

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Perhaps you are familiar with the adage: “The World is your Mirror”. The is a lot of wisdom in that. The people you attract, and who you are attracted to - are your mirror. The “types” of women you are attracted to, tells you something about the qualities you need to integrate as a Man. The habits and ideas you may need to let go of, to grow and evolve. They tell you something about your level of maturity. Your level of maturity has little to do with age, and everything to do with your level of courage to challenge your own shadow. What annoys and frustrates you about others, tells you something about your shadow-side. Your shadow, is your mirror too. It is no coincidence, that “magicians” use a blackened mirror known as a “scrying mirror” for gazing deep into the personal as well as the collective unconscious. It is no coincidence, that the darkest hours of winter, dark nights and black moons, in most religious and spiritual traditions, is regarded as a time for deep introspection, making peace with the dead and the cleaning out of closets. Banishing ghosts even. The living breathing human beings you choose to connect and disconnect with are your clearest and brightest mirror. The way in which you choose to connect, relate and explore, tells you who you are. Your ACTIONS, your words and your choices reflect your values and your level of integrity. Dare to look at them through the eyes of others. • • • •

Who do you see? Do you like him? What are his values and virtues? Would you trust him?

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

The reactions you get in response to your actions, what do they tell you? They tell you something about the other person, yes. But they also tell you something about how you are seen, heard and felt as being authentic. Whether there is resonance with your own values and passions. Or not. Don't let the reactions you get define you. Use them, to improve. You do not get to choose the way in which other people percieve you, the meaning they apply to your actions, and the interpretations they may arrive at, based on your responses. You ONLY get to choose your OWN actions. Notice how you respond to other people. Notice how you respond to THEIR reactions to your actions, words and choices5. The “meaning” is irrelevant. An action has no other meaning than what the action results in. You can reframe a mirror all you want, it still remains a mirror. When you CHOOSE compassion, TRUE compassion, choose to be courageous, dare to explore, be curious and constantly improve on these parameters? Your actions will be aligned with your Passion and your Purpose, and maybe it does not always work out the way you desired, but at least you can look yourself in the mirror and say: “I did my best”. And know, that by “best” you mean “I chose the actions I felt was most in line with my own personal integrity” Integrating a light sense of humour into the whole process, is where curiosity merges with compassion and gives you true courage to live, to love and to be connected with authenticity. Have you ever thought about, that the word “courage” is derived from the Latin word cor, meaning heart? And did did you know, that the word “curiosity” comes from the word “cura”= to care?

5 Chödron, Pema“Learning to Stay” p.2

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

Contact If you want to know more about the Mindful Masculinity programme, my personal consulting services, upcoming seminars or you have a question burning deep inside – feel free to send me an email. The direct address is: chris@undercover-coaching.com

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

References •

Chödron, Pema “The Places that Scare You” (2001) Boston, Shambhala Publications

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Jung, Carl G. “The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious” (1981) Princeton University Press

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Jung, Carl G. “Man and his symbols”, New York (1964) Ferguson Publishing

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Trungpa, Chöguam: “Shambhala – The Sacred Path of the Warrior” (1995) Boston, Shambhala Publications

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Trungpa, Chöguam: “The Myth of Freedom and the Way of Meditation” (2002), Boston, Shambhala Publications

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Warner, Brad “Hardcore Zen - Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth About Reality”, Somerville (2003) Wisdom Publications

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Warner, Brad: “Sit down and Shut up” Novato (2007) New World Library

Online resources •

Chödron, Pema “Learning to Stay” http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/shenpa3b.php

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Chödron, Pema “Start Where You Are” http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/swya3.php

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Nichtern, David http://www.davidnichtern.com

Mindful Masculinity ™ The M5I-C system

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