Why Are We Afraid Of Misunderstandings?

By Rev. T. J. Malinoski

Ifyou find yourself in a dull conversation and want to inject some excitement to spice up your day, bring up the topic of religion, politics, or money to treat yourself with the most colorful discussion. (When none of the three provide you with a memorable encounter additional topics such as sex, war, health, ethnicity/race, and family problems may also work.) Faster than a gust of wind undoing a bald man’s comb-over, that idle chitchat leading nowhere will rapidly transform into a most stimulating conversation.

The adage, “religion, politics, and money are three things that you should never talk about in polite society,” is replete with insightful wisdom if you care to make and keep friendships, want family to claim you as their kindred, or to sustain employment. We set boundaries and parameters for discourse among friends, family gatherings, and even employee interactions to avoid a potential explosive turn of a casual conversation into a passionate and determined argument aimed to critique, convince, and convert.

Most people have an innate aversion to social alienation. We avoid relationship-ending topics.

We will go to great lengths to circumvent arguments unless there is a foreseeable escape or means of appeasement. In doing so, we deliberately keep our beliefs and principles private because they have personal intrinsic value. They are identifying markers of who we are; informing our decisions, giving us meaning, and providing us with purpose. To share with another would position our beliefs and principles at risk of being questioned or opposed. The inverse is also true. Being introduced to a differing belief or a dissimilar principle can be a perceived threat to what we hold dear, true, and paramount. Why would anyone take that risk?

Because we have kept our beliefs and principles primarily to ourselves for most of our lives, we are both uncomfortable and unprepared conversing about them. This is particularly true when it comes to talking about one of the most verboten topics on the planet: one’s “religion” or faith. The thought of sharing our faith is as uncomfortable as having our fingers smashed in the closing of a car door and we feel as unprepared to try as when we first gripped the handlebars of a bicycle. The last thing we want is for someone to be turned away by something said or to be perceived as being critical or condemning and most importantly; to be misunderstood.

Probably the largest and arguably one of the most influential institutions in human history was inaugurated in misunderstanding. The Christian Church spans centuries and billions of people shaping cultures, societies, languages, governments, and sciences. Before the Church became the influencer that it is (for good or ill), its opening day was undeniably uncertain. On a busy midmorning in a metropolitan city, a loud commotion was substantial enough to bring curious residents from their kitchens, patios, and occupations to investigate. Searching for the source of the disturbance, the inquisitive found a group of people who unexpectedly acquired the ability to speak more than one language. Assessing through the astonishment and confusion, some concluded the rationale behind the incident was the group had been enjoying too much wine. There was a harvest festival being held in the city and what better explanation than attributing it to booze induced festival goers. For those who had a firsthand experience, the source was attributed to the work of the Holy Spirit. Whether one believed the commotion was caused by imbibing too much drink or the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, within the first hours of the Christian Church formation, a brand-new community found itself being misunderstood.

Even if we find solace and good company in this biblical narrative, the trepidations of being misunderstood are still real. We have had enough encounters where a faith conversation has quickly gone side-ways and relationships have become strained or ended. When it happens, it is painful and frustrating. However, misunderstandings between people occur more frequently than we might think. They transpire every day, even multiple times a day. The tone and volume of our voice, intentions, and body language can all be misconstrued. Even our pets can misinterpret our body language and behaviors (and they seem to overlook and forgive us).

There is an approach that seems to help work through misunderstandings that is an underappreciated practice. People of goodwill are sharing and collaborating everywhere offering information, guidance, and assistance that is fostering relationships between nations, increasing health wellness, creating partnerships, saving lives, and enriching humanity. What is the secret that prevents them from descending into passionate and determined arguments aimed to critique, convince, and convert?

Most misunderstandings have their origins by bringing presuppositions and preconceived notions into a conversation. Both impacts how we think, behave, and respond to one another. Everyone experiences and interprets the world in a unique way, and we have varied approaches to forming ideas, beliefs, and principles. Ignoring these two realities are a causal root of misunderstandings that end up preventing honest and authentic faith conversations. Letting go of our presuppositions and preconceived notions allows trust, hope, empathy, and love to rise above any misunderstandings that materialize in our conversations.

Every human being is searching for the attributes of trust, hope, empathy, and love. These universal attributes are the secular cousins to the foundation of the Christian faith. We seek these not only within ourselves but also to receive from another. Being a person that someone can trust, find hope, empathy, and love builds a common connection for all conversations. We can practice and devote ourselves to these faith qualities to allow a casual conversation to blossom into a deep, meaningful dialogue about the complexities and joys of living a life of faith.

Tohave this type of encounter we will have to keep our presuppositions and preconceptions in check and know that misunderstandings will happen. For others to know and receive the grace manifested in Jesus Christ, we must be as a person known for having responsible conversations. For our beliefs and principles from ever having the opportunity to be shared, heard, nurtured, and developed we must inquire and listen to others’ life experiences with openness and honesty. In doing so, we will get to meet new and interesting people who are searching for the same attributes that we are. And we can become seen as a person who it is safe to have amazing and fruitful conversations about politics, money, sex, war, health, ethnicity/race, family problems, and faith.