Emotional Pockets
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How to help the child carry a sense of being supported when they are away from you:
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This printable helps your child carry the connection that they have with you in their emotional pocket when you are apart as a source of strength for them. The bracelets below are a concrete symbol of that connection. They are also an invitation to dialogue where you and your child think together about the challenge they may face when you are not there.
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Difficult Time Bracelets (Daily challenges)
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One for you and one for them. These bracelets help with a worry: something on the schedule that the child is not looking forward to. Example: Circle time, Pick up time or when they have to line up to go to the toilet
Adult's Bracelet
Think of your bracelet as documentation of your child's worry, a way to make their thinking visible to them and to you.
I want you to think about me at...............o'clock
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..................................
Write the time that the child is worried about.
Ask the child to describe their worry and write them here.
Child's Bracelet
When it's..........o'clock
I'll look at the clock and think about you
Let the child decorate the wristband with their favorite colors/shapes.
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Challenge Bracelets (Occasional Challenges)
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A challenge: something that the child knows will be challenging for them that day like: the absence of their favorite teacher.
Adult's Bracelet
Think of your bracelet as documentation of your child's challenge, a way to make their thinking visible to them and to you.
......................................
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My challenge for today is:
Let the child dictate their challenge and write it here.
Child's Bracelet
When it's..........O'clock I know
I'll look at the clock and I can do it! think about you
Let the child color the wrist band with their favorite colors
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Friendship Bracelets You can use these connection bracelets to talk about friendship with your child.
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Adult's Bracelet
Think of your bracelet as documentation of your child's thinking, a way to make it visible to them and to you.
One thing I could do to be a good friend today is:
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......................................
Ask the child to think about something that could make their friend happy and write down their answer here
Child's Bracelet
When it's..........O'clock Today is a good day
to be a good friend
Ask the child to decorate the wristband with their favorite colors/shapes.
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Anything You Like Bracelets
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Think about anything else that could connect you to each other when you are apart. Example: secret word of the day ;) Invite your child to decorate their bracelet.
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Adult's Bracelet
When it's..........O'clock
Child's Bracelet
I'll look at the clock and think about you
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How to encourage to open up about these questions:
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What is a good thing that happened to you today?
What was a difficult thing that happened to you today?
How can you turn that difficult thing around?
What to Keep in Mind:
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Your child might not answer you if you ask them these questions or any questions about their day. When this happens, if you catch yourself thinking that your child is “stubborn�, "uncooperative", "slow" or "is really meaning to irritate you", stop and reframe your thinking. Take the following into account: 1) Children's auditory processing skills don't fully develop until they are 15 years old.
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2) It's difficult for children, as it is for adults, to respond to long or detailed questions (like the new bus driver's name). 3) Your child will sense whether you are asking questions to quiz them or to establish a deep connection with them. Initiate a conversation with the latter intention in mind.
4) Some children can be more verbally expressive while moving: during a walk, jumping on a trampoline, riding a bike etc. Observe your child to learn about who they are as a separate person from you. 5) Sometimes questions, as a format to engage, simply don't work for certain children. Remember, you know your child the best! Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
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Suggestion #1 Tell a story about your day or when you were little.
"You know what funny thing happened to me today at work, my friend Carla said...... and I laughed so hard! That was the best thing that happened to me today at work!"
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"I've been so excited to tell you this, when you were at school, your little brother stared at me so hard and laughed so loud out of no where! I thought I should tell you!"
"When I was little I used to take the bus to go to school. I had a very kind bus driver. His name was Roger. He used to tell the funniest jokes ever!"
"Today I had a lot of work. I had to call a lot of people and type so much on my computer. It was stressful. Some days at work are hard but there's something beautiful about everyday."
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Suggestion #2 Make descriptive statements about your child's day. Or use a fill-in the blank format. "You have new friends in your new school. So many new faces!"
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"Teacher Tom welcomes you every morning and then takes you to Circle Time."
With a leading and expecting voice you could say "Your friend Mike's birthday today was.............."
"Today at school you played with............."
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Suggestion #3
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Create A Visual Reminder With Your Child
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It's important for your child to know that you don't just want to hear about the highest points of their day but that you also want to hear about their challenges. One visual reminder to talk about both could be a flower/plant growing out of the dirt. We love to see the brightly colored petals but we know that a flower could not grow without the nutritious dirt. In the same way, the difficult parts of our experience are just as important as the good ones. This visual metaphor can help your child remember to save stories from their day to share with you.
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Visual Reminders Ideas You could:
Draw and color a flower or a plant with your child to hang near the dinning table.
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Or
Look for a potted flower or plant that you could put on the table.
Remember to use the dialogue recommendations in #1 and #2 while drawing and coloring with your child.
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Visual Reminders Ideas You could:
Hang a photo of the potted flower or plant in your car so the child remembers to share more about their day with you.
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Or
Insert this drawing/photo into your child's bus card to they remember to save juicy stories about their day with you.
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Visual Reminders Lanyard Cut Outs
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Visual Reminders Car & Home Cut Outs For the Car
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For Home
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e h t t n e a h w t t t ’ n n a o d Iw ! I , , No cup one e u l b red
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Dealing with Disappointment
"But mommy you promised we could go to the park today." "But today was supposed to be my turn for the cooking project at school!" Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
Dealing with Disappointment
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The purpose of this printable is to invite you to construct a "working with your child" instead of a "doing to your child" response to disappointment and upsetting situations.
There are the small disappointments in daily life. Sometimes the cup we wanted is still dirty from last time, or rain interrupts a much-anticipated park outing, or schedules change and the school cooking project is unavailable. As parents, often our first impulse is to fix the problem. It’s not too hard to wash the red cup, and it feels so good to watch the child’s eyes light up when we hand them just what they were wishing for! Other times, a child’s insistence on having things the way they want them rubs us the wrong way, and we scold: You are lucky to have a cup at all! When I was little I had to wash all my own dishes!
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Instead of handing them a newly washed red cup (which could send the message, other people are responsible for making sure that you have exactly what you want at all times) or telling them they are lucky to get any cup (which tells the child, your wishes are not important), you and your child can work together to think about how to help them manage their feelings of disappointment, which in turn frees up their problem-solving capacity to think of alternatives to what they are wishing for and cannot have!
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Coping Startegies In a moment of calm, plan for how they are going to manage their feelings the next time they face an upsetting disappointment.
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Here are some suggested steps for that conversation:
1) Remind the child about the last time they went into brain overload. Ask them to describe how they were feeling. You can also talk about a time when you have felt that way.
2) Invite your child to make a drawing of the feelings they had when they were melting down. (There is a space for this drawing at the top of the activity portion of this printable.)
3) Ask the child if they have any ideas about what might help them feel better when this happens to them.
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Use this opportunity to say, “I am not always going to be able to fix the problem that makes you upset. But I am always going to be available to help you feel better.”
4) If the child does not have any ideas, you can ‘prime the pump’ with a few suggestions: How about a hug? How about washing your face (for children who find this pleasant)? How about chewing on some ice chips? Making a silly silly face?
5) Try to make a list of things you can do to send your brain other messages so it will stop going around in circles being upset about the original disappointment.
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What to Keep in Mind:
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It’s important to have this conversation with your child when you are NOT in the middle of a disappointment.
This is because the developing brain is often sent into overflow mode by the feelings of disappointment and upset that come when a child does not get what they wished for and anticipated. In that moment, the child is in no shape to think about solutions. The only thing they can focus on is how they feel, and the more they focus on it the worse they feel. Hence the tantrum spiral…
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It also does not work (and for the same reason) to talk in advance about what you are going to do to solve a disappointment.
(Even if you have agreed in a moment of calm that any disagreements about cups are going to result in green cups for everyone, that agreement is almost certain to be wholeheartedly rejected in the moment of crisis.)
This is because any solution that does not look exactly like the image the child has in their brain will only add to the overflow. (Sometimes even when you quickly wash the red cup, the child collapses anew in tears because it is still warm from the wash water.) The first task in such a moment of ‘brain meltdown’ has to be: calm down and get the brain back in operation. Then and only then can solutions be considered.
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A Child-generated Coping Strategy!
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Create a poster with your child based on the conversation you had when they were NOT upset. Invite the child to pick three ideas from that conversation to illustrate their poster. These should be the ideas that your child thinks will be the most useful.
The next time that your child goes into brain meltdown, give them a bit of time where you are just present and empathetic then ask them to pick one of these three ideas to calm themselves down.
Your calm, loving presence is an essential ingredient in the calming process. (You may also need to be the one to pick, if the child is too upset to choose.)
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It is important to recognize that they will need your help to make these ideas work!
Use the poster to calm down, then try this selftalk: “I cannot have _______, even though that was the plan, because ________. Sometimes the plan needs to change. But maybe I can have ________ another time! Right now I can do ________ instead. Printable Printable by by CoAuthor CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com - www.coauthorapp.com
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...tespu m'I nehw leef I woH
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m o c . pp a r o h t u a o c . w w w - r o h t u A o C y b e l b a t n i r P
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My Calming Strategy #1
Notes:
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My Calming Strategy #2
Notes:
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My Calming Strategy #3
Notes:
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If you want, you could cut out these sayings and add them to your poster! You can also use the one-page poster on the last page or use our cut outs to make your own LARGE poster.
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Sometimes difficult things happen! I have feelings!
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I can help me!
I can deal with my upset! It's okay to feel upset Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
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How I feel when I'm upset...
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a x E
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Three things that help me calm down:
Notes: A hug makes me feel better when I'm upset.
Notes: Washing my face helps me calm down when I'm upset.
Notes: Here's a new idea to calm down.......
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How I feel when I'm upset...
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Three things that help me calm down:
Notes:
Notes:
Notes:
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Evaluating Problems
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Every day children are faced with problems and they don’t know what to do. Sometimes we are right by their side during these occurrences and other times we are not which is okay. Instead of micro-managing children's problems, we can empower them with simple tools to help them navigate unexpected challenges independently! Our proposed tool helps inculcate in children the disposition of evaluating problems.
When we encourage our children to use their relationship with us as a resource for evaluating and solving problems, we put useful ideas in their psychological pockets. Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
What to Keep in Mind:
Our proposed tool (in the following page) takes practice.
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Although we might all agree which kinds of problems require big help (like a fire), there is also some subjectivity to deciding whether a problem doesn’t need solving, or can be solved by the child alone. For example, one child may think that food spilled on their shirt can just stay there, while another child may prefer to change the shirt immediately.
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You can empower your child to solve more problems without help as time goes on‌ if your child prefers to change shirts, make sure they know how to get their shirt on and off and have extra shirts in their backpack at school. Display one visual at a time in your car, kitchen bedroom etc.
Remember the purpose of this: helping your child use their relationship with you as a resource for evaluating and solving problems. Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
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I don't need to do anything!
I can solve this myself!
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I need to ask a grownup...
We need to get more help to solve this big problem!
How to Use this Tool: 1st Way:
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You are giving the child a tool to classify problems and start to think about possible solutions. You are going to practice using this tool with them so they will be ready to use it when you are not with them.
2nd Way:
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They are going to make a plan to tell you later about some of the problems they encountered and solved using this tool. That way, when they are faced with a problem, they can look forward to telling you about it. Thinking about you in this way will allow your child to feel your love and support even when you are not physically present. Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
Tips for Evaluating Problems
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Step 1: Use the activity strips to generate with your child a list of examples for each level. Write down what you brainstormed together. It's OK to be silly and imaginative!
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Step 2: Make a plan to put the strips in places where your child spends time (ex. cubby at school, bedroom, playroom). When they are faced with a problem, they can look at the strip and decide what kind of problem it is. Remind them to ‘save’ the story of their problem to tell you later!
Step 3: Say this when you pick them up: Did you have any juicy problems today? What kind of problem was it? Tell me about it...
D id y o u ha ve a ny ju ic y p rob le m s to d a y ?
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I can solve this myself!
I need to ask a grownup!
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.emit fo tol a sdneps dlihc ruoy erehw saera ni meht ecalp dna tuo eseht tuC
nerdlihC rof seuC lausiV
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I don't need to do anything!
We need to get more help to solve this big problem!
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The Box of Worries
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How to tame unhelpful worries!
Sometimes even after talking with a child about their worry and making a plan with them about it, the worry still comes back! In this case, we need to address the worry in a different way. At some point we realize that the issue is not about the subject of the worry but the repetitive feeling of worry itself. You can recognize this because neither logic or concrete support helped the child overcome this worry. Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com
What Might Help:
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What the child needs from us at that point is both permission (it’s OK to stop worrying) and help to break the repetitive cycle of worry. Here’s an idea based on suggestions from the American Psychological Association: Pick a time of the day where you can talk to your child about their worry. Let the child know that this is the only time of the day where we will be talking about this worry.
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Worry is a feeling that your body experiences to let you know that there is something that you need to be careful about. But sometimes the part of your brain that is sending the worry message is wrong. Once you’ve checked and made sure you are keeping yourself safe, if that part of your brain keeps sending you worry messages, you need to tell it to stop. It’s as if the worry is a tiny little monster who lives on your shoulder, and every time you let yourself keep worrying you are feeding the monster so it gets bigger. If you stop feeding it, it will get smaller and smaller until it goes away.
But what if......
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Make A Box!
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Or just use any box you have!
Make it or find it with your child:
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The child might feel embarrassed if you present the box to them out of the blue. After hugging your child (if that's what they need), talking about the worry and reassuring them, suggest the idea of making a box for their worries with them. "Hey, I have an idea! What if we made a box together where we put your worry! Anytime you start worrying and it’s not the worry time, put the worry inside and close the box. When the worry time comes around, we can open the box together and take out all the worries. You can tell me what they are and we can talk about them together. We can make sure you are doing what you need to do to keep yourself safe from the dangers that the worries are warning you about, without letting the worry monsters boss you around. Then at the end of the worry time, we can close the box again until the next day."
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When it's time to talk about the worry...
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Download the CoAuthor Application: Go to "Tell Me How You Feel" then choose "Difficult Feelings." Ask the child to choose or name one feeling that expresses their worry and follow the step by step template for that feeling.
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Optional: Decorate the box
Through this template your child will be invited to draw their feelings. You can ask them to use their drawings to decorate their box of worries.
Use the template to discuss existing worries and new ones:
Use this template to discuss a worry that you will throw into the box, or a worry that you haven't sufficiently discussed but put in the box. Printable by CoAuthor - www.coauthorapp.com