ORAL SEX BOOSTS RELATIONSHIP QUALITY

Oral sex, when preformed with precision, can be developed with practice by learning different techniques. Couples that practice oral sex increase their chances for a healthier relationship.

Written by CHRIS A. MATTHEWS

In Chris Rocks' 1999 HBO standup “Bigger & Blacker,” he identifies three types of women, one who doesn’t administer oral sex, another who does it just enough to keep their man quiet, and a third who loves nothing more than to orally please their man. Chris’s joke poses the question, in today’s current relationship climate how important is the administration of oral sex to the overall quality of an intimate relationship?

Victoria Milan which is a dating site for married and committed partners looking to engage in affairs polled 9,107 of their active male and female members to gain a better understanding of how important oral sex is in a relationship. The study revealed that 72% of women and 85% of men said they think oral sex has a place in every bedroom and the performance of it should not decline as their relationship ages.

Furthermore, 77% of women and 72% of men reported they enjoyed performing oral sex. Not surprisingly, 89% of women and 94% of men stated they really enjoyed receiving oral pleasure from their partners.

What was surprising is that oral sex was determined to be so important that 57% of ladies and 66% of men stated they would continue to be sexually involved with a partner if their oral performance was exceptional despite their partner not having the best physique or performing poorly in all other areas sexually.

Oral sex also presents a lot of valuable rewards other than obvious pleasurable outcomes. Additional benefits include stronger relationship attachments, improved health, and sustaining intimacy during times of life transitions.

Sex in general strengthens the emotional connection, commitment, and a stronger bond, which are reinforced by an individual’s attachment style. John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst known for researching the effects of separation between infants and their parents, developed the concept of attachment theory. The four attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. Interestingly, relationship partners engage in sex or seek sex in accordance with their specific attachment style.

Anxiously attached partners rely on sex to seek approval because they easily fall in love but generally mistrust their partner. If a person has a partner who identifies with an anxious attachment style, oral sex can be an easy way to demonstrate commitment and soothe their anxious lover’s conscience.

Avoidant attached partners are less likely to fall in love and are more likely to engage in casual sex. Sex in general can make avoidant adults uncomfortable. Keeping this in mind makes oral sex a wonderful alternative for partners who are seeking an orgasm for the practical satisfactory side effects of temporarily alleviating stress or a natural sleeping aid.

Disorganized attached partners feel unworthy of love and pursue casual sex solely for the euphoric feeling prompted by the release of dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin. These partners are more likely to develop sex addictions and may give or receive oral sex more often outside of their monogamous relationships. This is because some men don’t identify oral sex as cheating but instead as a noncommittal mode of just obtaining an orgasm.

Secure attached romantic partners seek long-term relationships and are less likely to engage in casual sex. These partners use sex as a tool to express affection and the love they share for their partner. Securely attached partners can incorporate oral sex as a regi- mented activity to display their unconditional love for their partner.

The majority of people find oral sex pleasurable, but not all agreed with the need to do it.

Gratifying sexual experiences are good for men’s health. Research published in the Journal of American Medical Association reported that high ejaculation frequency was related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer. This is great news considering African American men are more likely to develop prostate cancer and are twice as likely to die from the disease compared to white men.

Partners who take the time to develop really good oral sex skills can quickly and conveniently pleasure their man while also combatting his chances of developing prostate cancer. This is important when considering that in some relationships partners are less inclined to engage in sex because of the perceived time commitment, energy required, and cleanup.

Sylvia Smith, an expert blogger for Marriage.com, stated one of the top five reasons couples stop having sex is that one partner feels rejected, which eventually transitions into feelings of resentment because they aren’t getting their sexual needs met by their partner.

Oral sex, when performed with precision, can be developed with practice by learning different techniques. It has the potential to be a great alternative to intercourse because it can be done quickly with far less cleanup. Furthermore, oral sex is a great way to sustain sexual intimacy during certain life transitions such as pregnancy and early post-childbirth, medical or health issues that prevent intercourse, and during times of menstruation.

Based on the research article titled “Changes in Sexual Desire in Women and Their Partners during Pregnancy”, published in the February 2020 edition of the Journal of Clinical Medicine, 1 in 10 men who are expectant fathers cheated on their significant others. One of the reasons prompting these men to cheat was a lack of sex. Oral sex can be an alternative that keeps fathers feeling wanted during these life phases of pregnancy and early childbirth, which limit the frequency of sexual intercourse.

Psychologist, Julie Bindeman was cited as saying, “Men cheat when their partners are unavailable.” Being unavailable physically for penetration sex can be supplemented by oral sex when loving partners desire to keep their sexual intimacy heightened while experiencing moments when intercourse is not an option. ●

Dr. Willie Jolley and Dee Taylor-Jolley discuss the secrets of their successful 40-year marriage and their new book, Make Love, Make Money, Make It

Last! 10 Secrets to Shape a Great Marriage.

Written by DAVID CHRISTEL

David has been ghostwriting books for well-known people since 1995. He is also the author of Married Men Coming Out: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming the Man You Were Born to Be.

ife is all about relationships, with everything under the sun from family and friends to the environment, animals, organizations, and even to masses of followers. Then there’s that all-important relationship with a significant other, often culminating in that thing called marriage. How’s that workin’ out?

Unfortunately, statistics show that many marriages do not work out as well as they could or maybe should. Statistics show that almost half of the marriages in America end in divorce, and of the 50 percent that remains, studies show that 40 percent of the people in those marriages are miserable.

Yet, as witnessed by the almost $58 billion wedding industry, marriage is an integral component of American society. The dynamics of marriage will determine one’s level of happiness, fulfillment, peace of mind, and studies show that married people live longer than unmarried people. So, there’s a lot to take into consideration when contemplating marriage and while married. There must be some secret sauce to creating successful relationships.

Dr. Willie Jolley and Dee Taylor-Jolley have been married for almost 40 years and have not had an argument in over 35 years! But that does not mean they always agree. Yet, they have come up with powerful systems that help them work through the challenges and help them win more!

They have a “secret sauce” they’ve been sharing with audiences around the world. These secrets can be found in their best-selling book and on their popular weekly online television show. Their book is entitled, Make Love, Make Money, Make It Last! 10 Secrets to Shape a Great Marriage, and their weekly television program is called The Jolley Marriage Show. In both the book and the television show, they share secrets on how to create a loving and healthy marriage. They also have a chapter for people not yet married, on how to separate the prospects from the suspects and help them go on to create a great relationship.

Dr. and Mrs. Jolley’s marriage success hinges on ten fundamental principles that cover the full spectrum of marriage from sex to money, to handling disagreements. And they share that there are 3 Big Boulders that break up marriages: sex, money, and communication. The all-important foundation of these three issues is communication.

They say, “Communication is the common thread. If you communicate better, you’ll have a better love life, and if you communicate better about money, you will have better money management and even have the opportunity to create real generational wealth.”

And Dee, who has taught communications skills to corporate executives says. “It’s amazing, how so many people really do not understand how to effectively communicate. Many don’t realize that great communication is not just one person doing all of the talking. It’s also about shutting your mouth and listening.”

Willie and Dee believe communication is so important (it’s the biggest chapter in their book), they give that chapter away for free! (Visit https://www.jolleymarriage.com to get it.)

Dee also explains that many people, instead of being honest with themselves and others, hide behind a mask. She says “There’s a level of vulnerability we don’t want to expose ourselves to. People aren’t willing to share their true feelings, due to fear of relationship rejection from being made fun of, dismissed, avoided, or ignored.”

Dr. Willie says, “People must be willing to say, ‘This is how that made me feel … I’m struggling with this … I’m not quite sure how to say it right but let me try. I’m hurting and need to share what’s going on with me.” He also points out that being vulnerable is especially difficult for men because of how they’ve been raised and the men they’ve modeled themselves after.

A common phrase they hear often related to marriage is “that marriage is hard work!” While they agree that it is work, they say “it’s not hard labor unless you make it so!” The real work of marriage is on yourself! It is the work you must do internally, such as to be willing to say, “I was wrong, or I apologize, will you forgive?” Plus, being willing to compromise and be willing to really listen to your partner and not cut them off because you don’t agree with their perspective.

Dr. Willie explains that if you don’t communicate effectively in your relationship, trouble will ensue. “We know that most problems start out as stress fractures, those little teeny-weeny problems. Yet when people don’t have a system or a process for fixing the little problems, they continue to expand. And because of that, those fractures just get bigger and bigger. Before you know it, a chasm has developed and it becomes so big, it’s almost impossible to close.”

In their programs, Dr. Willie and his wife Dee discuss intimacy and sex. Dr. Jolley is not only a well-known motivational/ inspirational speaker, author, and radio show host, but a licensed minister who holds multiple degrees in theology. For many in the church communities, intimacy and sex are not common topics of discussion. They’ve highlighted the differences between men and women via an analogy: “Men are microwave ovens while women are crock pots.”

What the analogy means is that while men only need a short time to get in the mood for love, women need time to let things “marinate.” That ties in with the two primary things that they say are critical for women: intimacy and security. As Dee says, “Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but can surely lead to sex.” And Dr. Jolley makes a point to share with men in his audiences, “If you want to have sex with your wife tonight, you should start working on it in the morning! Like a crock pot, you slowly cook the food. It takes time. You put it on in the morning, so by night, you’re gonna get a great treat!”

“Women crave intimacy and are best prepared for sex over time,” Dee continues. “Men, on the other hand, are ever ready. Push a couple of buttons and they’re ready to go see the two-pot system. With this, one person takes a set of bills and the other takes a different set. Yet even this system’s success is dependent on communicating shared values and priorities.

And, lastly, the third system, typically happens when people are in their thirties or beyond. Both have assets and they create a third pot (household account) that they both fund. Again, success is based on ongoing communication. Communication is critical to the success of all three systems.

Maneuvering through challenging situations and critical conversations is a process that Dee and Dr. Willie have encapsulated in what they call the “Four F Formula.”

Be Friendly – Don’t communicate when you’re in a hostile mood. Find a pattern interrupt that will help you create some space where you can breathe and become calmer before addressing the issue. The Jolleys says, “Words are like toothpaste. Once you say things, you can’t put them back in the tube. Make especially when it comes to sex.” Truly grasping the how and why in that dynamic is what will help partners have better sex lives and better marriages.

Yet, the Jolleys say that women must clearly understand what men need. “Men need two things and need them supersized sex and respect! They need sex like they need water, air, and food. It’s just part of their being. Studies have shown that men think about sex 17 times a day. So, this is a biological, hard-wired need.”

With intimacy & security and sex & respect as the basics that need attention and fulfillment in a marriage, the only other boulder to potentially stumble over is money. Yet, communication, once again, is what will help partners find solutions to critical and difficult conversations. The Jolley’s explain three systems for handling money and avoiding arguments. They’re primarily dependent on the age and the stage of the married couple.

If they’re right out of high school or college, they typically use the one-pot system. Here, all the money goes into one pot, and they talk and agree on how the money should be allocated. When couples are in their mid-to late twenties, we often

a point to calm down before you speak!”

Be Frank (about your feelings) – Your feelings are real, and your partner needs to know how you feel. Focus on how the incident or experience made you feel and not on a litany of other issues.

Be Fair – give equal time; listen and ask questions for clarity. This is key for trust building.

Be Focused (on a Win-Win) – you’re not in competition with your mate, but building a supportive, trusting, loving relationship that leads to your legacy.

In today’s world where we’re constantly on our phones communicating through texting, emailing and videos, the Four F Formula is needed even more so. “It’s what we call high-tech versus high touch,” Dr. Willie explained. “We find high-tech is great for short, quick communication. But your voice inflection, the nuances of the moment, the tenderness of the situation can’t be communicated via text or email.”

Both Dee and Dr. Willie encourage people to go the extra mile because “that’s the only place where there’s no traffic jam. Most people won’t go the extra mile. They want to do things fast and quickly because they’re in a hurry. But you can’t determine what exactly the other person is feeling. It is the talking and listening that create good communication and that leads to happier marriages!”

In addition to the Four F Formula, there are several other components to helping a marriage work optimally: balanced compromise, humility, honesty, and forgiveness. Generally, for men, this is a challenge. “We encourage men to show some vulnerability, be willing to be open and honest, to work on your character, your ethos,” Dr. Willie explained. “Work on these things in your heart, be humble, don’t stonewall but instead communicate.”

And Dee chimes in that women must work on themselves as well, and never use sex as a weapon and never use the silent treatment. Problems are never solved where there is no communication. You must talk, listen, and use the Four F Formula for positive engagement.

Other critical tips to keep the romance alive include regular weekly date nights. This allows couples to return to what brought them together in the first place their love for each other. That means no talk about work, the kids, bills, etc.

This is their de-stress and reconnect time. Use this time to talk about dreams and goals and the things they talked about before getting married. Consider it a reinvestment that will only deepen the heart-to-heart connection in the marriage.

To put it succinctly, marriage takes work, but not hard labor. This is a joint effort for merging wants, needs, values, and, of course, love. As Dee and Dr. Willie say, “The most important decision you will ever make after your faith is the person you marry because that person is going to be responsible for 90% of your misery or 90% of your joy.

So, the Jolley’s recommend you choose wisely, walk with God, and have an open heart and keep in mind that love is an emotion, and emotions change, but marriage is a decision. Decide to do the work so you can stay happily married!

Dr. Willie Jolley and Dee Taylor-Jolley can be heard Monday nights on the Jolley Marriage Show at @ajolleymarriage on Facebook Live, Instagram Live, and Twitter Live. Their talks and presentations can be seen on their YouTube channel, The Jolley Marriage Show. The Jolley’s books are available on www.JolleyMarriage.com and Amazon. ●