THE GOOD FATHER

In the absence of my father, I became someone I hate. In the absence of my father, I steered ‘way from positive fate.

by Lena Fields-Arnold

I’ll never forget that moment …

I was nine years old and running for what felt like my life. He was after me. He, being the boy who I’d be destined to fight over and over again for the next several years. I ran to my front door excited because my father was looking at me from the other side. He would protect me. I grabbed for the handle fully expecting it to swing open only to find it was locked! My father looked at me from the other side and said, “Get back out there and fight!” So that’s what I did.

For years afterwards I would tell the story, spinning it into a positive light. “My dad was teaching me to fend for myself,” I’d say. “He was teaching me to stand up to bullies and take care of myself.” It wasn’t until I had my own daughter that I realized my dad got it wrong. And it was only the beginning of the things he’d get wrong when raising his children. You see, now that my daughter was being raised by a good dad, I finally understood that what my dad had really taught me and also that boy was that I couldn’t depend on my own father to protect me. So that boy kept on bullying me for years. Sure, I fought back, and sometimes I’d win, and sometimes he’d win, but the constant battles made me fearful, angry, and insecure. A father is supposed to protect his child from hostile people intent on hurting them. My husband would never have watched from the other side of the screen while some boy beat up his little girl. Despite what current culture would have us to believe, there are distinct differences between men and women, and these differences should be celebrated, not denigrated. One of those differences is masculinity brought on by the presence of testosterone. God designed men to be bigger, faster, and stronger than women for a reason. One of the most basic, fundamental reasons for this is protection. James B. Stenson, author of the book Father, the Family Protector, put it this way “How does a man act to protect his wife and children? Let’s approach this question by first examining a man’s masculinity, the distinctive character of any normal adult male. Men are different from women. They are wired differently, think differently. They have instincts and attitudes and physical strengths that empower them for tough-minded, sacrificial service to those people who count most in their lives, starting with their families.” In short, fathers protect. They protect their families by supervision; by provision of food, shelter, clothing; by keeping his family safe from people and forces that threaten. His very presence provides a sense of security and serves as a deterrent to potential evildoers and ne’er do wells.

Why many men think they don’t matter.

Muhammed Nasser Bey, writing for the book In Search of Fatherhood–Transcending Boundaries: International Conversations on Fatherhood, talks about some of the reasons why men think they don’t matter, especially in the Black community. According to Bey, men have been bombarded with mainstream messaging that they are “no good” and useless. “We live in a throw-away society,” Bey writes. “It is little wonder that one day people would begin to suggest that fathers are not needed.” So, men doubt themselves and they doubt their value and their significance. “We have begun to believe the lies about ourselves to the point where we as fathers are not certain we can make a difference sometimes,” said Bey. “We have been told by women, by instant experts on television, in magazines, on the Internet, that women don’t need men and that children should be allowed to express themselves instead of disciplined.” In the absence of that guided hand, in the absence of his words of praise: I wandered through foreign lands and fell ill to myriad malaise.

What is a man to do when he is constantly told he isn’t needed?

They do what this one did In 2009, I was watching an episode of a popular daytime talk show. It was about men who didn’t take care of their children. Yet another “male bashing show” but it was insightful, and it led to me writing the book In the Absence of My Father. In the final half hour of the show, four more guests took the stage. A son, his mom, his ex-girlfriend, and one of his children. The purpose — shame him into taking care of his parental duties. The women were crying and begging him to be a father to his children, to be present in their lives, and to meet his financial obligations. Nothing the host or the women said was working. The son finally turned and looked at his teary-eyed mom and said, “I don’t know what you are crying for. It’s your fault I’m this way. You are the one who taught me that I wasn’t needed or important. You are the one who always said, ‘I don’t need a man for nothing! I can take care of my own kids. A man can’t do nothing for me. I don’t even need a man for sex, I got tools for that!’” Then he turned to the host and said, “My kids don’t need me. I turned out fine and they will, too.” In the absence of my father, I lost my way, though hard my mother prayed. In the absence of my father my maturity was delayed. I wrote the book In the Absence of my Father for this very reason. I wanted to dispel this horrible propaganda and remind fathers of how necessary and important they are. When they are around for good, wonderful things happen in their families and in the lives of their children, but when they aren’t around, or if they’re bad, what a devastating impact that neglect and absenteeism have in the lives of their children.

Why Fathers Matter

So, my father, the man who up to that point had been my hero, in that pivotal moment had failed to protect me. Over the years he would also fail his entire family. He would fail to supervise us, to provide for us, to shelter us, to clothe us, and by his ultimate absenteeism would fail to keep us safe from people and forces and that would harm us. We lost our sense of safety and security and the results, were devastating. In the absence of my father, I became a stagnant player. In the absence of his calming voice, I evolved into a depressing naysayer.

Blogger Julie Baumgardner, writing for the non-profit organization First Things First, cites Dr. Warren Farrell in her piece titled “Why Fathers Matter.” Farrell is the author of Father and Child Reunion and he spent over ten years analyzing worldwide research on fatherhood. Some of Farrells findings include: • A father’s impact starts at birth. • Fathers teach children to have empathy … because teaching children to take boundaries seriously teaches them to respect the needs and rights of others. • Fathers teach the value of hard work.

• Children with fathers present in the home do better academically, especially in math and science and living without a dad doubled a child’s chance of dropping out of school.

• When fathers are present, children have better mental health, are more likely to get along well with other children, sleep well at night, be trusting of others, and are less likely to be aggressive or participate in risky behavior. In the absence of someone to believe in, evil works seeped into my brain.

In the absence of my father, I could not erase their malevolent stain. The facts of Farrell’s findings are corroborated by The National Center for Health Statistics:

• A child living with his/her divorced mother, compared to a child living with both parents, is 375 percent more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems,

• Ninety percent of homeless or runaway children are from fatherless homes, and

• Most gang members come from mother-only households. Divorce and/or a single parent household may be unavoidable, but experts agree that unless there are serious safety concerns, children should be able to spend equal amounts of time with both parents. “Children clearly pay a price when their fathers walk away or mothers keep dads away,” said Farrell. In the absence of my father’s optimistic words of affirmation: I lived in a constant state of self-hate and degradation. Fathers also encourage independence and self-sufficiency, but in positive ways. In a Focus on the Family article titled “The Significance of a Father’s Influence,” the author discusses how dads encourage risk taking, competition, and independence. When our first born was three months old, I remember walking in on my husband feeding her. Well, to my shock and dismay she was f eeding herself, because instead of him holding the bottle she was holding it. I said, “Why is she holding that bottle? She’s too little for that!” His response was, “She doesn’t know that.” It would be like this many times as he encouraged their independence while I cringed in the shadows thinking, “They are not ready for that!” In the absence of my father, life was difficult because: In the absence of my father, I never learned to truly love. Whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, when men meet their obligations to the family there are great rewards, not only for the family, but for communities, and for the world. Contrary to what messages the world may have sent; men are necessary, they are important, they are valuable, and they matter! When a good dad is loving, protective and self-sacrificing, he teaches his kids how to love. When he surrounds them with care and provides for their basic needs, he makes his kids feel secure. When he respects their mom and treats her with dignity and respect, he teaches them how to treat their future partner. When a man lovingly and tenderly cares for his children, he teaches his sons that it’s okay to be loving and tender and that being loving and tender in no way diminishes his masculinity. When he is present, his kids are not afraid to give and receive love. Good fathers make their communities better and we all know that strong communities make the world a better place. The good father loves perfectly as God casting out fear… ●

So, for every father within the sound of my voice To every father who made the elective choice To man up and accept responsibility Who anted up, operating unselfishly I salute you today and forevermore Knight you as you have never been before A noble, braver than any rank at roundtable Unwavering in commitment, steady, secure, and stable You true trench heroes paternal Partakers of this ceremony informal Who viewing words written on impersonal parchment Deserve more than cursory acknowledgement For you serve for far more nobler reasons than patriotism, revenge, or righteousness You simply serve because you love What could ever be more splendid than that?

Excerpted from The Good Father by Lena Fields-Arnold

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