GUFFAW Issue 1 | Volume 1 by Cody Klyne

GUFFAW ISSUE 1 | VOLUME 1 COMPILED AND ILLUSTRATED BY CODY KLYNE | MADE POSSIBLE WITH WRITTEN CONTENT PROVIDED BY (IN ORDER OF ARTICLE APPEARANCE) LIAM BRITTEN, KEATING SMITH, JACEY GIBB, JOEL MACKENZIE, DYLAN HACKETT, AND SOPHIE ISBISTER

GUFFAW IS A QUARTERLY SATIRICAL MAGAZINE DISTRIBUTED DIGITALLY ONLINE THROUGH ITS CREATOR, CODY KLYNE (CODYKLYNE@GMAIL.COM)

By Liam Britten

he landlocked african nation chad has been wracked by civil wars, coups d’état, and rebellions for the better part of its 52-year existence. However, stability may have been achieved, albeit with a heavy and still unknown cost, as a mysterious new rebel leader has claimed victory over the government and declared himself President.

The Chairman is said to be intensely paranoid, and only appears in front of a small inner circle of advisors, or anyone who rattles a bag of Temptations in front of him. The new Minister of Information, Mahamat Habré, is the public face of the regime, and he gave Guffaw s some insight into the Chairman’s ﬂuffy little mindset.

So what do we know of this charismatic figure, other than he is said to torture enemies in brutal ways? He is believed to have previously killed family members and former friends on a whim. As well, he is said to have established secret death camps to punish all those who disobey his tyrannical laws.

“The General is very tired at the moment. He has just led us in glorious battle, and now must sleep for about 20 hours a day, up from his usual 16,” he said in a phone interview. “The General is doing this not only for the people of Chad, but also for another cause: raising funds for the peaceful SPCA. Yes, he supports the peaceful Syndicate for Poisoning Communist Activists very much.”

Or, maybe it’s for those who disobey his tyrannical paws?

After seizing the capital city of N’Djamena on Thursday in the cutest little street-to-street carnage you’ve ever seen, Chairman Meow declared martial law—or maybe he declared martial claw! That’s right: this dictator is no ordinary strongman; he’s actually a strong-cat! Formerly a content housecat named Whiskers, “Chairman Meow,” as he’s now known, is the cuddly little despot who could. After using his personal magnetism and adorable snuggling ability to take charge of a group of narcoterrorists, he’s been leading a campaign of unbridled, cuddly terror upon the desperate people of Chad. After seizing the capital city of N’Djamena on Thursday in the cutest little street-to-street carnage you’ve ever seen, Chairman Meow declared martial law—or maybe he declared martial claw! Regardless, the Red Cross believes over 500 people were executed that day by his death squads. The Chairman has gripped Chad like no other tyrant has been able to in years, and appears to have finally filled the power vacuum—hey, maybe now he’ll outlaw actual vacuums!

The Chairman has already begun diplomatic efforts, reaching out to other pariah nations in an attempt to build international trade. He was seen rubbing against the leg of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, leading to speculation that the Islamic Republic may be supplying arms to Chad. He has solidified peace on Chad’s southern border by offering President François Bozizé of the Central African Republic a dead sparrow as tribute. International observers fear that while the humanitarian crisis is appalling, the greater tragedy may be the international journalism community’s inability to write a story about the Chairman without making adorable cat puns. This is certainly a challenge for many correspondents, as the general is just so darn cute! As of press time, ethnic violence remains widespread and merciless. D’awww!

By Keating Smith

he united nations security council (UNSC) met last week in New York to discuss the growing threat of First World problems in the northern regions of the world. With the United States, France, and Great Britain making up three of the five permanent members of the UNSC, the countries expressed to the assembly that First World problems are a growing threat, not only to the security of their respective nations, but to those in other developed countries. Several other wealthy countries in Europe including Norway, Switzerland, and Finland, as well as Canada and Australia were also on the UNSC’s list of countries to take attentiveness to the new and growing global problem. “The assassination of Osama bin Laden has greatly reduced the issue of global terrorism,”

problem hashtags in the world of social media are several videos recently posted on YouTube, particularly Africa for Norway, which is a video depicting Africans unanimously coming together to help people in Norway by donating their heaters to the extremely cold Scandinavian country. “I’m basically heading up a team that’s getting Africans together in this time of need for Norway [by] helping them out,” says Breezy V, an African rapper and spokesperson for the video. “A lot of people aren’t aware of what is going on there right now. It’s just as bad as poverty if you ask me. “People don’t ignore starving people, so why should we ignore cold people? Frost bite kills people too,” Breezy proclaims at the beginning of the video. With Norway having some of the largest offshore oil deposits in the world and

These First World problems range from someone burning their tongue after drinking hot coﬀee purchased from a corporate restaurant to having an intermittent Wi-Fi connection in a very large suburban house said Susan Rice, US ambassador to the UN, in a statement to the international media. “And while the sinister consequences of Arab spring have generated a civil war in Syria and created continuous political instability in Egypt, we cannot ignore the problems of the First World like we have been.”

one of Europe’s highest GDP’s, Norwegians historically struggle to keep warm during the winter months. Breezy concludes his speech by saying “We need to make a difference in Norway by collecting our radiators and shipping them off [to] spread some light, spread some warmth, and spread some smiles.”

The words come from Rice and several of her colleagues after a growing number of hashtags typically coined as “#firstworldproblems” have been reported plaguing the social media world in recent months. These First World problems range from someone burning their tongue after drinking hot coffee purchased from a corporate restaurant to having an intermittent Wi-Fi connection in a very large suburban house.

The UNSC is set to meet before the holiday season in a general assembly to discuss the potential threats First World problems could pose in the western world in the new year. Fresh off his newly reelected term, U.S. president Barack Obama is speculated to seat the assembly’s chair.

Paralleling the growing amount of First World

When GuďŹ&#x20AC;aw approached the homeless man/fashion icon at his residence in a cardboard box behind a neighbouring Arbyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, he simply asked for change, followed by a barrage of racial slurs. 9

By Jacey Gibb

wo college students, whitney stanson and Ajay Harris, were shocked late yesterday afternoon when they discovered that the man they had been observing from across the coffee shop was in fact not an arts major like themselves, but actually a homeless man who’s been squatting in the area for over a month. “My friend and I just started coming here recently, mostly because the coffee shop we used to go to refused to go vegan-only,” Stanson explained to Guffaw. “Anyways, we were just sitting there, discussing the significance of Holden’s hunting hat in Catcher in the Rye when in walks this guy. At first, we thought he looked like someone that maybe goes to the same grad school we do, but then a girl working overheard us talking about him and said that he was actually just some homeless guy.” Whitney noted that the scraggy, poorlymaintained beard that the man was sporting as the first thing to draw her attention. “I’m around a lot of terrible beards at my school, but his was a mess. Noticeably patchy, with what I at first thought were crumbs of food in it, but it was actually just bird shit. So raw and unconformed.” For Harris, the man’s innovative garbage bag belt was the main thing that caught his eye. “He had this awesome garbage bag tied to his twine-belt, which he was using to store cans and bottles that he’d dug out of the coffee

shop’s trash. I wish I cared enough about the environment to riffle through disgusting garbage and carry empties around with me. I wonder if he got that bag off Etsy.” Harris also praised the pungent odour emitting from the man, adding that “bathing is definitely overrated” and that the reason the man wasn’t wearing deodorant was probably because of “all of the aluminum and stuff that they put in it,” which apparently is “super bad for you.” Footage from the shop’s security camera shows the man entered the store at 3:15 p.m., clearly intoxicated and dressed primarily in baggy neon-coloured clothing that someone could only find nowadays in a thrift store or dumpster. “His clothes were so fresh!” Whitney praised. Despite his poor hygiene and pessimistic world views, one of the baristas working at the time insisted that the man wasn’t an aspiring musician or self proclaimed expert on human interactions, but in fact, just homeless. “He comes in all the time. Usually just digs through the garbage, but if there’s a new person working, he’ll ask for the bathroom key and go shoot up in there. It’s really quite sad.” When Guffaw approached the homeless man/fashion icon at his residence in a cardboard box behind a neighbouring Arby’s, he simply asked for change, followed by a barrage of racial slurs.

olice are speculating that the same person may be behind three recent food burglaries: an Abbotsford bee and honey heist discovered late July involving 8,000 pounds of honey and approximately 500,000 bees, a Richmond potato pilfering in late August involving 5,000 pounds of potatoes, and a Quebec sickly steal of 10-million pounds of maple syrup in early September. The RCMP could offer no current leads, but RCMP National Commissioner Earl Haywright was quick to rule out members of The Vegans, a food club declared a criminal gang by the RCMP in early 2012, as responsible, seeing as how “they probably already would have told everybody that they did it just so they could rub it in everybody’s faces.” In the meantime, Haywright warned the public to be wary of food offered from “shady” grocery stands or trench coats. “Look at the packaging,” says Haywright, who also wants people to be suspicious of potatoes housed in “handkerchief bindles,” bees in “pharmaceutical pill bottles,” or “maple syrup or honey in shampoo bottles or used toothpaste tubes.” The idea that a food criminal mastermind could be behind these robberies is a stark reminder of the string of criminal activities carried out by Alan MacKinnon in 2006.

MacKinnon, aka The Hamburglar, a begrudged former McDonald’s representative, is suspected of being involved in the 2005 destruction of thousands of acres of tomato plants, white onions, miniature cucumbers and the white parts of iceberg lettuce plants worldwide. What could a similar criminal mastermind be planning with bees, honey, potatoes, and maple syrup? Could some sort of a bee attack against the public be planned? Ian Hewitt, a Richmond beekeeper, predicted “no.” But, a trusted expert, who preferred to remain anonymous, disagrees. “This is a definite possibility,” said the source. Could a new, sweet type of methamphetamine be being made from these ingredients? This new type of meth could be disguised as candy and sold in local candy stores, and would be particularly appealing to children. “That’s horrific…they need to stop whoever is doing so,” said student, Marie Lu. Or could the high carbohydrate levels of these stolen items also be used for the production of a high-energy party drug, similar to ecstasy or Red Bull? Stay tuned to future editions of Guffaw, as we continue to track all future Canadian food robberies and come to even wilder conclusions.

By Joel MacKenzie

ast week, by a worldwide press release, the Humanists for Uncut Humanity announced their unfettered endorsement for the snood, an increasingly popular hybrid renowned for distancing wearers from problems surrounding scarf knots that the HUH claims “nobody can tie properly anyway,” with its simple crocheted circumference. The group heralds the fashion piece as “a woolly plight against the aesthetic of genital mutilation and the pious pragmatism that shields it from rational discussion.” The press release announced “the snood is an embodiment of our stance against the culturally normalized child abuse known to many as circumcision, but deemed by us as genital mutilation. We encourage our supporters to wear the snood this winter

November—an effort to provide funding for an anteater shelter in northern Brazil. The long snouted mammal was also adopted as the group’s oﬃcial mascot at the 2012 Global Atheists Convention, appearing onstage to rally conference attendees behind the HUH’s agenda. The Creator’s Coalition for Circumcision, a union of Jewish, Muslim, and Christian supporters advocated for infant circumcision and critiqued the backing of the snood in a rebutting press release distributed last Friday. “Circumcision is a practice dating back as far as Hebrew times and is practiced worldwide as a sanitary precaution for infant health and as a WHO recommended procedure to reducing

Evolutionary biologist, author, and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins has been witnessed wearing a beige snood around London and posted a picture through his Twitter account concurrent with the HUH press release. season in solidarity against the practice we seek to cease worldwide. Wear the snood up or down—it is ready to adjust to whichever position the situation requires.” Evolutionary biologist, author, and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins has been witnessed wearing a beige snood around London and posted a picture through his Twitter account concurrent with the HUH press release. The 71-year-old academic posted on his Twitter page “@HUH reppin’ the #snood hard #topman #swag pic.twitter.com/666rd8da9k”. The announcement was deemed by many in the press as unsettlingly timely, given the HUH’s “Adopt-an-Anteater” drive launched last

HIV infection rates. The snood’s resemblance to an uncircumcised penis is negligible and its fervent endorsement by Richard Dawkins and his co-thinkers ﬂouts a respected and long-standing tradition amongst religious and secular communities worldwide. The [HUH]’s stigmatization of the garment causes harm to these cherished communities,” the release claimed. In an ensuing battle on Twitter late Friday afternoon, the HUH was quick to point out the CCC’s own scandal in the mid-90s where the group was found to have paid the producers of popular Christian family drama, 7th Heaven, to have character Simon Camden don a mushroom cut, a staple of mid-‘90s hairstyles.

ay 1. Today is the day I make my descent below ground. Everything is going according to plan. My life savings have been converted to gold. I have spent the last five years painstakingly collecting what I feel to be the best of what humankind culture has to offer: Anna Karenina, The Great Gatsby, The Holy Bible, and War and Peace to name a few novels. Not to mention my extensive collection of Beatles and Queen records. That ought to keep me busy while the rest of humanity succumbs to our new alien overlords, to the scourge of intergalactic turmoil that has been predicted by Mayan cultures for centuries. All the citizens of the world, save for a prudent few survivalists, will be writhing in pain while I bide my time in my cozy and secure shelter below the ground, deep in the forest, in an undisclosed location. I just wish my disbelieving wife hadn’t left me, and had allowed me to keep our two sons underground with me. She will come to regret her decision. Day 5. I’m keeping this journal so that once the Earth is saved from the otherworldly demons that will take over us with mind control, there will be at least one account from a brave man who survived. The aliens have landed. They’ve already taken control. If I play my cards right, if I can just make communication with the other survivalist groups (I KNOW THEY’RE OUT THERE), perhaps we can all have a hand in saving our beautiful planet. I will go down in history as a hero. Day 15. My homemade plumbing system stopped working a week ago: the aliens are to blame for that one. My steel shelves, once filled with tinned meat and vegetables, hold only enough to last me perhaps another two weeks. I guess I underestimated my tendency to eat out of boredom. In one week’s time, I will begin my first expedition. Based on

plans I bought for an economical $3,000, I’ve constructed the perfect barrier for the aliens’ mind-control rays. I’ll be safe in my metal suit. I only hope the other humans do not turn on me. Day 22. My heart is racing. I’m terrified. The horrors I witnessed outside—oh, the horrors! I’ll start from the beginning, with my ascent into the outside world. I was wearing my metal suit when I emerged from my safe cocoon, my fortress of protection. I was dirty from my climb through the soft earth that covered the entrance to my underground home, that very same home I write from now, the home I will never leave again. I walked through the forest, making my way to the highway. My CB radio garnered only static: it seems all the humans have been compromised. After walking for about 15 minutes I saw my first glimpse of people! Oh how I had missed people, but these were not normal people. No, they were clad head to toe in dark robes, the obvious trappings of our new alien overlords. They threw strange, coloured orbs at one another, shouting incantations. This was clearly an alien-devised battle game, and the coloured orbs, while designed to look like simple bean bags, were clearly a form of advanced alien weapons. All of a sudden, the humans noticed me. They must have been aware of the purpose of my mind-control-shield suit, because they all came toward me at once. My helmet blocked their voices from my ears but I can only assume that their intent was to capture me. I ran back to safety as fast as I could. I had seen enough. This is where I will die. Hopefully someday someone will find this journal and know that at least one person made an attempt to resist the alien invasion. Oh, if only more people had listened to me!

he term “duck face” has been around for years, and has been used everywhere from on the Internet as a meme to as commentary on the current state of bar culture. But a recently-formed group of ducks is hoping to change the term and what’s associated with it—by unleashing a new trend known as “human face.” Frank McDuck, one of the creators behind the human face initiative, has been a duck for years and has become increasingly agitated by the spike in duck face’s popularity. For those unfamiliar with the term, duck face is when a person purses their lips outwards in an over exaggerated fashion, resembling the bill of a duck or in some cases, two Pringle chips.

dumpin’-ﬂy a shawty looks in the bathroom mirror at Mirage Nightclub.” The previously-mentioned human face is when a duck sucks their bill in an inverted fashion and applies for a mortgage, essentially imitating human behaviour and physical appearances. When The Other Press reached out to the head of the Ministry for Animal Equality, Woo Karres, in regards to the human face movement, he had this to say: “What happened with the term duck face being integrated into society in such a negative light is unfortunate, but there isn’t anything we at the ministry can do. For as long as language has been around for, there have been insults and degrading terms. Until someone invents a technology

For those unfamiliar with the term, duck face is when a person purses their lips outwards in an over exaggerated fashion, resembling the bill of a duck or in some cases, two Pringle chips. The look has become a fan-favourite for selfie photos, as well as a quintessential pose for bar photos—both of which, McDuck feels are wildly unrepresentative of what a duck’s face truly is. “People think that all you need to do is shoot your lips out and look like a moron and then you suddenly have a duck face,” McDuck explains to The Other Press, “but we don’t even have lips, so I don’t understand the connection.” McDuck also says that one of the main reasons behind the human face revolution is because of the degrading implications that duck face carries. “No one ever uses the word duck face in a positive light, no matter how

that allows us governance over a person’s vocabulary, humans will be humans.” The trend has exploded on social media, with #humanface trending on Twitter and the oﬃcial Facebook page having already garnered close to 10,000 likes. McDuck says the outpour of support is both greatly appreciated, but was also expected. “Most of those retweets and likes are coming from animals who have also had their species’ names taken out of context for the sake of humans.” Among the animals McDuck mentions are “bunny ears,” “like a fox,” and “falcon punch.”