This Turbulent Wife
Rid me do this turbulent wife
Perhaps blade or sword or knife, End my pain my trouble and strife Bring again my single life.
Rid me do this fiend so small Engineer a trip or fall, I know of discreet hollow wall Space within remains install.
Rid me do please fail not ignore Happy man again restore, Need to know my reason for gore Last night this demon did snore.
William Drole
Down city streets he doth parade
His sordid role this vilest trade
The innocent, these he will bade To join his motley crew.
Once ensnared they are his fold To traipse along, they do as told In weather hot, in weather cold Sometimes they stand in queue.
And when the sun begins to set And weary tourists start to fret They know that they are in his debt This tour guide wants his due.
The Local Hack
I'm Canterbury Jack
The local hack
I sniff out juicy news, With pen and pad Write stories bad About these seedy mews.
Let's get this right You work at night Amid the wooden pews, You charge ten quid Or what they bid Cos benches leave a bruise.
The Harlot
Jezebel, Delilah
Bathsheba, Sapphira
Get from this temple so old. You temptress you demon
You harlot ruin freemen No woman was ever so bold.
Seductress seducing
All menfolk reducing No more to pester this gate.
Corrupting and spoiling
Blood pressure is boiling
Back at ten, so don't be late.
Ambitious Verger
One day verger all will be yours
Nice prime location, numerous floors.
Drafty of course, roof full of lead
No fear of noise, neighbours long dead.
One day verger you'll get the keys There'll be some praying down on your knees.
In case horny this tip could shock Bash your Bishop under your frock.
One day verger to you we'll sing But never ever anger the King.
There's a story, knights who were bored
A predecessor, killed with a sword.
Swan Upping
Well Stan, you're a useful man A top expert swan upper, With this job, you get a hob To cook swans for your supper.
Cut their ring, don't tell the King If known he will see red, Once it's known, your story blown I'm sure you'll lose your head.
There's ten in all, you just call They come with wings all flopping, Looking sweet, just right to eat Grab one and then get chopping.
This Turbulent Husband
Rid me do this turbulent man
Use a pot or bowl or pan, I should have listened to my nan
Run him over with my van.
Rid me do this vilest brute
Crush to pulp like rotten fruit, Buy the means, I'll supply loot Concrete boots and concrete suit.
Rid me do this sickening flea
End this fiend to set me free, He'll stand here I'll guarantee Throw down tiles and mixed debris.
Rid me do this nasty male
Awful man beyond the pale, Change his way, that ship did sail Wishing for my widows veil.
The Bad Angel They sent me down This is my station From my red box Communication. My mission here Some observation I love junk food A great location. I hear you speak Some speculation You're worried of Manipulation. I'm sure to meet A delegation Our basic plan Your termination.
We Witches Three
This creepy coven Our grim domain It's time we gather To curse again. Our ancient chamber This space so vile We chant our verses Without a smile.
We are eternal We gain no age We read the symbols They're on the page. Each taking a turn There's no hogging When spells are cast We go dogging.
My Dog My Wife
Looking for the witches
They chanted words, casted spell
First I was in stitches
Now I live in canine hell.
This was my wife Mable
Now avoids our double bed Sleeps under the table Barking loud until she's fed.
Sought out coven magic
I asked to join in dogging
What I got was tragic Pooch that won't stop snogging.
The Lady In Red
Date forty seven
And I'm in heaven
They sent me a man with a bow,
Love men with a dicky
Though some can be tricky
This looks like a very nice Joe.
We'll climb up the tower Takes less than an hour
The view is a wonderful sight, I'll offer a kiss
He'll try and then miss I'll then push him off for a flight.
Mr Peacock
I'm cock of the walk
I hear them all talk
When I strut and pose and preen, Exciting the girls
They all love my curls Some sight, a must to be seen.
In my splendid gown
I pass through the town My dress sense of a high mark, To want---don't look far To purchase they are Obtainable at Primark.
Cycling Physiotherapist
Speeding through the sleepy precincts
Working thighs, pumping hard, Riding to her next appointment Plasterer in builders yard.
Finding Joe with twisted spinal Straight away she's on his back, Rubbing kneading sensual pressure
Wonder Woman with the knack.
Now on top, a true professional Grinding madly legs well spread, Thinks poor Joe will need a special Uses workbench for a bed.
Asks the cost does Joe quite happy
Will a twenty do the trick, Loved those legs around his body Passers-by by heard spine go click.
The Ducking Stool
City order two one nine
Here's a plan to address crime It was clear, we've been a fool We've brought back the Ducking Stool.
Break our rules and you will get Dunked in river soaking wet It will go without a hitch Placed in water like a witch.
Don't think we are dangerous folk We are modern, kind and woke When on stool my team will bring For each arm a water wing.
Cathedral Cuisine
A piece of frog, a tail of dog
Some dandruff from old Ben, A chocolate bar, a bird from far
Three white eggs from a hen.
A touch of spice, that bit is nice
About a pint of ale,
A snout of pig, quite small not big Some blubber from a whale.
Now stir it firm and watch and learn
Our potion will exalt, You try then hiss, what did I miss Oh yes, a pinch of salt.
The House Of The Rising Bum
There was a house of ill repute The one I did frequent I spent my notes and varied coin Was left without a cent. There was a girl of splendid size Dressed in a tight blue dress That woman drained me of my worth
And now I'm in this mess.
There is a house with towers tall My lady sadly gone Arrested by the local plod Aware of her cruel con.
Insane Cathedral Organist
I'm bound for lands o'er the sea
Hey ho me hearty.
My shrink is near, she won't catch me
Hey ho me hearty.
I've cats for crew, a noisy bunch
Hey ho me hearty.
We leave at two just after lunch
Hey ho me hearty.
Archbishop said that he is glad
Hey ho me hearty.
My mental state is raving mad
Hey ho me hearty.
I've pirate hat and bloody scar
Hey ho me hearty.
I get seasick so won't get far
Hey ho me hearty.
The Canterbury Tyburn Tree
We stood at dawn my cat and I Beneath those swinging boots on high An awful sight you must agree Way below the Tyburn Tree.
We stood at noon my cat and I
Try as we might we could not cry My nagging wife, my mean Marie Up high on the Tyburn Tree.
We stood at dusk my cat and I It didn't work that tight necktie There'll be trouble I'll guarantee My cat and I should surely flee
The False Flags
Cathedral tours luv
Gardens and grounds bruv
Climb up the tower
Takes just an hour
Bones from an old saint
Forgeries they ain't
Ice creams and lollies
Souvenir dollies
Archbishops blessing
It's quick no messing.
Cathedral tours luv
Catacomb walks bruv
Flags for relations Exterminations
Just these two left luv
Buy two for one bruv
Want peace in our time
Don't think so in mine
Change in your pocket?
Sponsor a rocket.
The Forbidden Fruit
Farewell my love my English rose I leave, let us be brave
Your beady eyes that twitching nose
Those features I will crave.
The rodents all did laugh and mock From felines not one purr
We should have known the catty shock Me liking mousy fur.
For now we part we go our way Without a hug or squeeze But in our thoughts I'm every day
Forever your big cheese.
Little Bacon Lover
So beloved here ends your life I bury now a friend and wife
You gave good times and gave me strife
To you I doff my wig.
So beloved move on I will Your presence gone your space I'll fill
Now every morn I'll eat my swill And acorns I will dig.
So beloved now in the dust
You knew my needs and wants I trust
Mine was no trivial porker lust Love long I will my pig.
Those Brave Charioteers
Such galloping fury
All riders they thundered
I knew quite a few
The racing one hundred.
Around town and precinct
Their wheels they did clip
The poor battered masses
Some horses did nip.
With anger the leaders
Refused to obey
The signage when showing A system one way.
Such foaming from horses
Not wanting to stop Some fines were now given By tough traffic cop.
The Flower Girl
Up at dawn to walk the fields
Buds picked by the hour, Coldly static on her pitch
Selling some a flower.
Pretty girl displaying wears Dressed in subtle fashion, Softly calling passers-by Selling blooms with passion.
Slight and pretty flower girl
Who shines above the rest, Clutching in her palm a coin Then held close to her breast.
MAGA Haiku
It's ten to nine and at this time I'm given a task to do. It is unjust, but feel I must Read out a worthy Haiku.
I know no joke, no pious bloke
Not even a fun punchline. It's beyond me, no point I see A total waste of my time.
I'm Archbishop Trump But I'm no turbulent priest Please leave swords outside.
The Hanging Tree
Oh mother dearest
Come run and come see, That choking villain
On our hanging tree.
Oh mother dearest
I think it's papa, Trussed hand and foot
Pop's won't go far.
Oh mother dearest
Let's pull on his shoe, He's twitching madly It's the thing to do.
Oh mother dearest
Did you turn him in, A nice big reward
That's plenty of gin.