Inter-pity
On the corner near the station
Met a couple once a pair,
Blaming each for married turmoil
Blaming each for pulling hair.
On the corner under grey sky
Stood the couple faces grim, Eyes cast down in bitter anger
Claiming fault was her or him.
On the corner near the station
Clutching both their railway fare, One for London one for Dover
Parting without hope or care.
Miss Jezebel Jones
Want a good time luv
Slap and tickle guv
Hugs and kisses
Best your missus
Got a twenty
Give you plenty
Bottom or top
Your fly will pop.
Want a good time luv
Any requests bruv
Peruse my menu
Pick your venue
Want another
Call my mother
She'll come jogging
If there's dogging.
A Sausage Roll
The first thing tomorrow
With no little sorrow
I'm sending him back where he came, I wanted a young one For passion and some fun He's ancient, it's just not the same.
The first thing tomorrow
I may have to borrow
The butchers boy fresh from the shop, I hear he's quite nifty He's nowhere near fifty
Big sausage and even pork chop.
Mr Christmas Christmas comes just once a year
Great scope for innuendo, As a husband he's so mean Excuses not to spendo.
Christmas hums just once a year
He hums when he is merry, Annual bonus in account
He celebrates with sherry. Christmas runs just once a year
He runs when I am needy, With viagra in his drink He's not so soft and weedy.
Lotto Love
My dull awful wife
My trouble and strife
Wed forty years to the day.
She's cost me a mint
She can't take a hint
Please someone take her away.
Bad like her mother
Worse than her brother
Her snoring driving me mad. They promised a pearl
A near perfect girl
Some joke, I've really been had.
I may turn to drink
It's all I can think
Cheap wine will make me blotto.
Hang on just a while
Well that made me smile
She's won loads on the lotto.
High Street Blues
Stood amid a host of others Choughs soar high o'er city sky's, Beggers pester-call to mothers Fellas all with tell tell lies.
Husband keen, his eye is roving Always liking pretty girl, Once did vow honour and loving Now prefer much fresher pearl.
Stood amid a host of others Thinking of her wretched man, In a move choking and smothers Ending him because she can.
Application For A Padded Cell
It's plain to me And all to see That you're not rightly thinking, The forms are done That's every one Each page is filled with ink in.
It's off you trot I'll see you not They'll hold you within padding, Inside it's tough It's very rough But silent due to cladding.
One day you'll know You had to go
Because you're dull and sad, And in your cell
Your living hell It's me that's raving mad.
Happy Holidays
We're off to Botany Bay wife
We're off to Botany Bay. You wanted first class holiday I thought it was Bombay. We tried to change the ticket
But the agent wouldn't play.
We're off to Botany Bay wife
We're off to Botany Bay.
You're off to Botany Bay wife
You're off to Botany Bay.
The agent kind of fancied me I'm booked for Mandalay.
You're heading for the penal yard And I've just time to say.
You're off to Botany Bay wife You're off to Botany Bay.
Annual Abominations
Same old junk for Christmas
Stuff that Santa brings
Knitted sickly jumper
Badly chosen things.
Drooling snarling puppy
Goldfinch in a bowl
Toxic English perry
Peppered Scottish sole.
Chocolate covered mittens
Candy flavoured cheese
Erotic bedroom statue
Make them stop oh please.
Giving Christmas presents
Bought with taste----No fear
Twelve more months of waiting
Can't wait for more next year.
The Lovebirds
Angry roaring night time snoring
Vicious goring endless jawing
Wedded sounds tempers soaring
Toxic married life.
Bitching scratching plotting hatching
Breakup patching blame attaching
All this comes from mismatching
Husband and a wife.
Man pernicious wife capricious
He malicious she suspicious
On and on it's repetitious
Someone end this strife.
He demanding she commanding
Once outstanding waist expanding They both plan for disbanding
Where's that Wedding Knife.
The Gigolo
A gigolo
I'll not say no
My strength you'll try to sap,
These hands are fast Passion to last I never need a map.
When light doth fade
I ply my trade
Just ten pounds for the hour, Cheap at the price I'll perform twice
You'll shiver at my power.
And in the morn
Your soul reborn
Dressing as candle flickers, Tie all your bows
Secure your hose
And don't forget your knickers.
My Lord And Master
You might praise my King If that is your thing.
A life secluded
A man deluded
A marriage so bad I feel I've been had.
I'm now all seeing A better being, I'll not praise my King Dispose of my ring Let others kowtow It's not for me now. All pomp and glory Elitist story, Disrespect you sire Your snout in the mire, No longer your Queen Always was has-been.
The Dicky Ticker
The watcher stood her duty
A virtue in our times, With one eye on her husband Totting up his crimes.
In all her watching hours
And all her watching days, The endless watching decades His endless lazy ways.
He has a dicky ticker It stands proud on the shelf, He also has his cocoa She made tonight's herself. There's something in his beverage
Blue tablets in his drink, He's looking kind of horny He won't last long I think.
The Replicants
It's day thirty four
Since breaking the door
Replication went rather well,
The original pair
We hid under the stair
Both silenced in case they did yell.
We both rattle a bit
And like killing---admit And do replicant sex in bed, Well we're not too sure why But we gave it a try
Helped by a drill from the shed.
It's day thirty four
Since breaking the door
The humans are very subdued, We've stolen their life
Both husband and wife
And their clothes so they remain nude.
The Replicants Part 2
It's day fifty five
No human alive
It seems they needed feeding, Were both keen to die
Without a goodbye
Some nutrients they were needing.
It's day fifty five
No human alive
We can't seem to work the drill, It's no fun in bed
Appliance is dead
We forgot utility bill.
It's day fifty five
No human alive
Our wires have nearly gone, We keep shutting down
Our face set in frown
We think turn us off and then on.
My Love The Pirate
My love she is a pirate
She sails the seven seas
She fights to win me treasure
And tries her best to please.
My love she is a villain
She likes to sail and rob
Wearing her diamond jewellery
All perks of her cruel job.
My love she wears a black beard
She keeps it neat and trim
She changed her name to Toby
And went from her to him.
My love now wears the trousers
I have to wear a skirt
I hang about the dockside
And with the sailors flirt.
Terms Of Engagement
No rats or cats or little dogs
No chirping birds or hungry hogs,
No bikes or hikes or country hack
No hint of sport or you'll go back.
No fishy dish of things that feel
No jellied eels or fruit that peel,
No vans or plans to travel far
No fluffy dice spoiling my car.
No game or name making me smile
No stack of things put in a pile,
No trick or quip or joking crude
No disrespect or being rude.
No shoe of blue or bright red tape
No hair allowed on arm or nape,
No sin or gin or getting pissed
And that is all first page of list.
The ABC Of Love
A is for my angel laying nightly
B is for her beauty so supreme
C are all carresses given rightly
D is for fulfilling every dream.
E is expertise under the cover
F is for her payment I forgot
G is for the gun held by my lover
H is for my hands tied by a knot.
I is for a sleeping drug injection
J is for consciousness---well just K is a key held for my protection
L is for the lads in on this bust.
M is for the many years in prison
N is for the time you'll never shop
O is for my organ that's still risen
P is for your bunk--I'd pick the top.
The Overuse Of Laudanum
Get me to a convent
I'm your wicked wife Four and twenty puppies Butchered with your knife.
Get me to a convent
Get me to confess Where I hid the virgins Down from Inverness.
Get me to a convent
Get me to a shrink
Drinking too much laudanum Brain is mush I think.
Happy Holiday The Return
You're back from Botany Bay wife
You're back from Botany Bay. Ten years in your gloomy cell
Quite a bit of decay, I thought about you once a year And now you're home this day, You're back from Botany Bay wife You're back from Botany Bay.
I lived in Mandalay wife I lived in Mandalay.
Staying with that nice agent Was happy bright and gay, Then came the news I dreaded It really ruined my day, You're back from Botany Bay wife You're back from Botany Bay.
Cut Price Husband
Want a good time luv
You're looking fine dove, Give me thirty three Well nothings for free. Call it inflation
Bring a relation, How about forty I'll be more naughty.
Want a good time luv
Anything go's dove, Twice for a twenty Gadgets a plenty. Well six pound fifty
Be quick and nifty, The time of your life
Best price for you wife.
Terms Of Engagement Refused
My rats my cats my little dogs
My chirping birds my hungry hogs, My bikes my likes my country hack
A hint of sport and I'll go back.
My fishy dish of things that feel
My jellied eels my fruit that peel, My vans my plans to travel far
My fluffy dice spoiling your car.
My games my names making you smile
My stack of things put in a pile,
My trick my quip my joking crude
My disrespect my being rude.
My shoe of blue my reddish tape
My hair all proud on arm or nape, A list of things kept from a wife I'll tell you now, go get a life.
Blue Monday
Now is the time
Now is the time, Pop one more pill And you'll do fine. Decades past we had our way Breaking records night and day, Hours spent on gentle loving Little pushing never shoving.
Now is the time
Now is the time, Your teeth are false But mine are fine.
Feeling good this Monday morning
My mood is hot, I'm informing, Signs are right, lusty forewarning Take blue tablet for performing.
Artificial Intelligence
We're machines made by A I Originals, they had to die, Flesh and bone did burn and fry A gory mess each toe each eye. We're machines that never cry Emotion is in short supply, We'll not frown or even sigh To human race a big goodbye.
We're machines, a girl a guy Physical love we should defy, I look great you can't deny I see a bulge within his fly. We're machines that should comply My man is horny, oh dear my, His hand is now on my thigh I think a headache is soon nigh.
My Valentine
How to describe my valentine
A tasty dish, a jug of wine, A lover giving me his time Well some of it, he's off by nine.
How to describe a love so true
In from the cold, his fingers blue, Would bed me now if not for flu He once did fight a whaling crew.
I want to be his wicked wench
My cheap perfume an awful stench, Our nights of lust on city bench To separate would be a wrench.
