COURAGE TO STAY ON THE BUS

Andrea Moulding

‘Courage’ (for me) conjures up images of knights and dragon-slaying, but the original word comes from the Latin ‘cœur’ or heart. Brené Brown, in her TED, relates it more to vulnerability:

‘To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.’

Understanding how having the courage to be different, was a liberating experience for me, I need to wind back to April 2018.

Having been to the doctor with a breast lump, I was confidently reassured that it was nothing referring me to the hospital to ‘put my mind at rest.’ I viewed it all as a day out but once I had a scan, biopsy and was taken to the ‘quiet room’ I knew I was in trouble. Diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, my world fell apart. I couldn’t work and found the whole experience completely terrifying. Having cancer was incredibly hard to navigate on so many levels. Suddenly all the things I took for granted, like earning a living, ground to a halt.

People meant well but the ‘Little book or Hugs’ and wall plaques that say things like ‘It doesn’t define you!’ weren’t what was needed. I admit to withdrawing from the world and found it a very lonely and scary place. In a total state of panic, I found it difficult to read the literature they gave me from the hospital. It’s medical, dry, and ended up scaring me more. The NHS and Macmillan were brilliant, their pamphlets were packed with information; but so dull. Especially if like me and you were in the same situation, in no state to take much in. I have a whole cupboard of unopened medical letters, covered in dust. Every time I had an appointment, I saw the consultant’s mouth move but the words went over my head.

My best friend, a nurse, gave me the best piece of advice to help me cope with my diagnosis and treatment.

That was to ‘Stay on the Bus.’ She told me I am in the system and that ‘bus’ will take me where I needed to go. It would be bumpy but to cling on tight and it would take me where I needed to be. This became my mantra and helped me steer through the operations, chemo, radiotherapy, and anxious appointments waiting on results. What’s this got to do with daring to be different, especially when you have cancer? Not only did I become compliant with the doctors, but my role in the family also changed.

The children no longer bothered me with problems and my Mother promptly arrived with a container truck of cleaning products. I was reliant on everyone to give me lifts for my chemo treatment and even when I did drive, I never ventured far.

Attempting to take some control back I chopped off my hair before it all fell out, this followed standing in the hospital car park where my hair suddenly started coming out in clumps and blowing away in the wind. On getting home, we drove straight to the local barbers and for me to have my head shaved with a number one. It wasn’t the empowering experience I had hoped for; I bawled as my mass of curly locks fell to the floor. Although I continually repeated ‘Stay on the Bus’ to myself whenever things got rough, I still found the whole experience lonely and scary. Feelings of being pathetic were compounded by well-meaning people who described my treatment as some sort of war. “You must ‘fight’ it,” “you are a ‘warrior’, and you need to ‘win this battle’.”

As Marie Ennis O’Conner says in her blog; ‘Cancer isn’t an opponent in some war game you can stomp out by mindset and determination.’

Having treatment is exhausting enough without the pressure to be brave and daub yourself with blue paint before your next chemo treatment. After two years, more surgery and the agonising waits for results, I finally got the all-clear. It’s strange; although of course I went to the pub to celebrate, I remember feeling very empty. Apparently, this is very common with cancer patients. Suddenly, after being (intensively) in the system the apron strings are cut, and you are given an appointment for a year later. The fear that remains in your system, doesn’t suddenly stop. Even as I write this, I can feel it (the fear) rising in my stomach.

At Christmas, we found another lump and was referred for a scan. It was all fine, but that terrible dread dominated again. Even to this day I can’t watch ‘Afterlife’, no matter how many awards it won.

Having initially got the all-clear I set up my business: ‘Perfect Client’ with my partner to help accountants understand, identify, and attract their ideal clients.

To encourage accountants to stand out and be brave enough to turn away clients that aren’t a joy to work with.

With the national pandemic, however, the focus of our business changed, and I had to learn a whole new set of tools including video editing.

Reflecting on my time in the cancer system I decided to do something to help women like me.

I thought back to the most useful piece of advice that I’d received: ‘Stay on the Bus’, and how it might help others. The biggest problem I had was that the handfuls of medical information they piled on me made for terrifying reading.

I wanted to create something that women going through diagnosis and treatment would want to read or watch.

So, I created a persona: Lolly Pop, a virtual Lollipop Lady, to help women ‘Stay on the Bus.’ I set up my own YouTube channel and wrote an irreverent guide on what to expect from diagnosis through to chemo. I tried to make it lighter, giving them advice that I wish I’d had.

I decided that Lolly Pop had to be a largerthan-life character, so her head was made from an old beach ball and papier mache. Her pink head is a nod to being bald and is pink, not only because it was the only paint in my daughter’s art box, but because it represents breast cancer. I made her lollipop stick out of a pizza box and a drumstick. Remember, I normally work with accountants, so this was way out of my comfort zone. Using my new software, I made a bunch of videos such as ‘How does chemo turn you into a dinosaur?’ with a heavy metal soundtrack.

Alongside these types of videos, I would stick on my large painted head, with my luminous yellow jacket and talk directly to the camera. It was around this time I came across Gill Tiney and Collaboration Global. In her Friday Club House group, she talked about the importance of being vulnerable; this struck a chord with me.

She said: if you want to move forward in life you can’t be frighted to put yourself out of your comfort zone.

Lolly Pop was certainly that for me. Not only was the whole persona totally ‘out there’, my guide for people to download, was very personal. That said, I made the decision that it was the information that needed to be heard and gave it to a couple of women who had also gone through the system; they both said they wished it had been available before they’d had their treatment. That was enough for me, and with Gill’s advice ringing in my ears I made my first video and Lolly Pop was launched. I called myself Lolly Pop and wore green sunglasses in attempt to hide my identity.

With two teenage daughters, and a high level of personal embarrassment I found it easier. I can honestly say I haven’t come across anything like it on YouTube or Facebook. In writing this article, my cover is blown but ‘(s)he who dares wins.’

My hope is that people who need reassurance and guidance will forebear watching the videos; knowledge is power, and if people aren’t scared, and sit through the videos, they’ll be armed with a little bit more information that’ll help them through their treatment.

I am also hoping that Lolly Pop’s ‘Stay on the Bus’ will help women in the breast cancer system who can’t connect with the traditional material. It has taken me ages to feel comfortable on camera, but then there aren’t many people who dress up as a Lollipop Lady.

I know I don’t have all the answers and need and look forward to collaborating with other people, both professionals and experts by experience, to share their input and wisdom.

Daring to present the channel and write the guide has helped me in so many ways. The fear has never really left me, but I’ve gone from blocking any thoughts of my cancer journey to facing it head on. Not as a ‘warrior’ but as a big, pink-headed Lolly Pop. Having the courage to be different is something that we all need to do in our personal and professional lives. Speaking from the heart makes us vulnerable, and as Gill says, ‘that’s when the magic happens.’ It has for me.

You can contact Andrea at:

Email: andrea@perfectclient.co.uk Telephone: +1 (509) 210 067 Website: www.perfectclient.co.uk