CHICAGO JEWISH
March 2012 • Vol. 4 No. 3
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FROM BULLY TO BLESSING By Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob
It is so hard to continue to witness the pain, the deep pain of your victims. Boys like Shloime, someone you consider to be a loser; you say, “Look at his clothes! His jokes aren’t funny, he doesn’t know how to learn, or his parents just don’t fit.” Or the girl you roll your eyes about: “Poor Rivkie, she just doesn’t get it – the way she dresses, or talks.” His/her very existence seems to offend you. And you have the power. You are strong, perhaps physically, certainly emotionally. You’re the one the others look to for approval. If you find someone acceptable, she is. And if you say she’s not, she’s not. The other boys are afraid of you, find it too difficult to stand up to you, and even though in their hearts they feel uncomfortable, at the very core of their being they know that this is wrong, they still go along with you. The other girls laugh with you, perhaps inwardly praying they won’t be next, that you spare them. Oh yes, you are very powerful. You have the power to break, to break the spirit of your victim, to break his confidence, and his belief in himself. I have seen the broken pieces. I know this is not your intent, but this is what happens. And you have the power to instill 14 MARCH 2012
dread, a literal dread of coming to school, or to shul, or of seeing you at asimcha. And you have the power to change the life of a human being. From a trusting, happy individual to one who is fearful, distrustful and sad. And at times the pain of being bullied can lead one down the road to disconnection from the community and turning away from Hashem. You say, “Oh, what’s the big deal! Everyone goes through it. Be a man, grow up, it’s just a joke.” “I’m doing her a favor, she has to know that she doesn’t fit in.” “I’m doing it to teach him kavodhaTorah, good middos, or instructing him in the name of “shtoltz” (dignity) to teach him his place.” Sometimes you even convince yourself that you are engaged in a mitzvah. So you push him around, physically or verbally, and you know what’s best for him… But You Don’t. I have seen the terrible pain, and I know that even if she doesn’t know how to stand up to you, it is still wrong, and will never be right, to hurt her. It’s not a joke, it’s not funny. It is deadly serious, with consequences that can last a lifetime. This is not a guess. This is the absolute truth. I know that, in your essence, you are not an TO ADVERTISE 773.336.8225
achzor (a cruel person). You may act with achzarius, with great cruelty, but you are not an achzor. I know that as a ben or bas Yisroel you are of the people defined by the midda of being RachmanimBneiRchmanim, and you are a rachaman (compassionate). You are a child of Avrohom, with the spiritual genes of being a blessing for others. So I mourn for you as well, stuck in a cycle that is so foreign to who you really are. You know, when you look at yourself in the mirror, that you do not want to be cruel. Perhaps a sibling, parent, teacher, or older boy has treated you in the same way. And in order to cope with the pain, humiliation, or fear, you may have become hard, acting like you don’t care, even convincing yourself that it’s no big deal, that you really don’t care, maybe even that it’s good for you. But it is a big deal, and you do care. And inside, deep inside, the pain and the rage are unresolved and just sit there, and can come out on others. Don’t get me wrong. Do not misunderstand me. These last comments are meant only to say that you too are hurting, and you too deserve compassion, and are probably unaware of how devastating your actions can be. The fact that you’ve been hurt and have suffered doesn’t change the reality that it is not OK to continue the damage. Hurting another may provide some relief for the moment, but it just perpetuates the cycle of hurt, and sends your own pain deeper, making it less accessible for healing. The price of bullying is a high one, perhaps highest for you. Maybe you’re wondering what you can do. First, STOP. If you feel you can’t, you must get help.Now. Talk to your parents or your Rebbi, teacher, Rabbi, or friend. If the person you talk to tells you, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not so bad,” don’t believe him. They are trying to be kind but it is not helpful to you to minimize your actions. In order to change, you must know that it is unacceptable. You
must internalize a commitment to zero tolerance for these behaviors. And the people around you, including your silentfriends who have gone along with you until now, must help you in this process by insisting on zero tolerance as well. It may be necessary to talk to a therapist to begin the hard work of change. Second, please be courageous and ask forgiveness from your victim. I say “courage” because this is very difficult, and a scary thing to do. Do not wait until Yom Kippur, do it now. Asking forgiveness has many benefits; it is obviously your obligation, an integral part of teshuva, and it helps in the healing of the person hurt. But more than that, it helps you in a powerful way, it helps you change your behavior, and begins the process of your own healing. Third, know that you are gifted. Hashem has given you a gift in your personality. Your charisma, your ability to influence others, is an incredible gift from Hashem, and like all gifts from Hashem, it comes with an achrayus (responsibility), the achrayus to use it in a Torah way, in Hashem’s ways of kindnesss and compassion. You have the power to make a difference, to affect the lives of other human beings. Yes, I have been a witness to the pain, but I have also witnessed the extraordinary impact of someone just like you, changing. Transforming into someone who now uses his power to protect, reach out, and to encourage an atmosphere among his peers of mutual respect. When this occurs, it is breathtaking. Going from bully to blessing is a life changing, life enhancing experience, bringing joy to all those you come into contact with. Especially to you.•
Dr. Lob is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, working with adults, adolescents, and families, for many years. He lectures and writes extensively on topics relating to psychology, relationships, parenting, education, and Jewish thought.
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Written by Rabbi Dovid Cohen
Soup to Nuts
Your kashrus Questions. . . Answered
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man Auerbach (Vezos HaBracha, Birur Halacha HYDROPONICALLY-GROWN LETTUCE Q. What bracha should I recite on #24), Shevet HaLevi (1:205), Teshuvos V’Hanhahydroponically grown produce? May I use hydroponically grown Romaine lettuce at the Seder? A. The considerable discussion in the Poskim regarding the bracha on hydroponically grown produce is beyond the scope of this column, but here are some highlights: Some (Chayei Adam 51:17 & Nishmas Adam 152:1, Yechaveh Da’as 6:12, and Machzeh Eliyahu 25-29) hold that the bracha is shehakol because the wording of the bracha “Boruch…who creates the fruit of the earth” (borei pri ha’adamah) is inappropriate for items that grow unattached to the firmament or that grow in a non-earthlike media (e.g. water, coconut coir). Rav Schwartz ruled that one should follow this opinion. Others argue that the bracha of borei pri ha’adamah was instituted for all vegetables regardless of exactly how they grew. This is the opinion of Chazon Ish, Rav Shlomo Zal-
gos 2:149, and Rav Shmuel Kaminetzky (Kovetz Halachos, Pesach 24:6). The use of hydroponically-grown Romaine lettuce at the Seder is much more straightforward, as Chazon Ish (Kilayim 13:16) conclusively proves from Gemara, Pesachim 35b that wheat that grew unattached to the ground (e.g. in a flowerpot) may be used for matzah at the Seder. Since many of the requirements for marror, including that it must be produce of the “land”, are derived from the halachos of matzah (see Gemara, Pesachim 39a) it follows that hydroponicallygrown marror may surely be used at the Seder.
CHALAV YISROEL NOWADAYS Q. My family has always used chalav stam (i.e. non chalav Yisroel) products based on the ruling of Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l, but recently we heard that some claim that his ruling no longer applies. Is that true?
KOSHER ALERTS Please be aware that the following brands of fresh salads such as Potato Salad, Cole Slaw and Macaroni Salad are no longer under the certification of the cRc: Orval Kent, Sysco, US Foodservice, Walmart, Sam's Club. As always, buyers should be diligent when making any food purchases and should look at each label for a kosher certification. Any remaining products still bearing the cRc logo are kosher certified. Please note that any double bubble gum that is made by Concord Confectionary is certified by the OU even without the OU on the label. The Dannon Company will not produce its traditional OU yogurts for Passover. The Vanilla, Plain, Coffee and Lemon flavors are certified by the OU and in previous years had been available as certified kosher for Passover. This year Dannon has chosen not to offer this product. Get your kashrus questions answered here! Email kashrusquestions@chicagojewishadvertiser.com
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A. Rav Feinstein wrote numerous teshuvos on the topic of chalav Yisroel and in each he notes that it is preferable for people to drink chalav Yisroel, but it is nonetheless perfectly permitted to use (what is colloquially known as) chalav stam due to government inspection of dairy farms to assure that only cow’s milk is used. Those who have always used chalav stam may continue to do so and should not be concerned about recent rumors that these inspections no longer exist. It is true that there is no formal question on the inspector’s forms that says “Does the milk come from cows?”, however: (a) The law clearly requires that milk and milk-products sold to the public be from a cow. (b) Inspectors have told kashrus personnel that if an inspector ever observed someone using milk from another animal or even having another type of animal on a dairy farm, that person would definitely be cited for a violation. (c )It is basically impossible (in the USA) to purchase equipment with which to milk nonkosher animals, and therefore the only violations that ever occur in this realm are when a farmer will attempt to substitute kosher goat or sheep milk for cow’s milk. Even this type of violation is quite uncommon. (d) The requirement that milk must come from a cow is so obvious and is so rarely violated that the inspector’s forms don’t even bother asking the inspectors to check that during an inspection. It is akin to the fact that when the cRc instructs a Mashgiach as to his tasks we do not ask him to check if the restaurant is using ham because it is so obvious that a kosher facility wouldn’t use it, and of course the Mashgiach will report someone doing so. Accordingly, those who have always used chalav stam may continue to do so.
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Doctor’s Digest
Questions you want to ask; answers you need to know.
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Up on the shelf together with Glutamax, is Maxi Olive Supreme - an herbal supplement that combines nature’s most powerful anti-viral, antibacterial and anti-fungal ingredients to form one great product. Constituents found in olive leaf have been shown to be powerful antioxidants. Another important component of Maxi Olive Supreme is Spirulina. Spirulina is considered a superfood because it contains tons of vitamins, minerals, amino acids and enzymes. It strengthens the immune system, making it more resistant to diseases. Add to that oregano, an herb known for its powerful antioxidants and effectiveness against bacteria and infection, and you have a supplement that is as near to perfection as you could get.
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Matzah and Maror Worthy Mechutanim by Rabbi Eliyahu Hoffmann â&#x20AC;˘ www.torah.org
As much as we are told that Purim is a Yom Tov, a holiday, of opposites - "ve- nahapoch hu," the Pesach Seder has more than it's own share of opposites. It can be confusing: Are we commemorating our freedom and the Exodus from Egypt and slavery, or are we remembering the bitterness of our years as slaves under the cruel rule of the Pharaohs of Egypt? We recline to demonstrate we are free. Yet we dip our food in salt-water to remind ourselves of the tears of our slavery. We drink the "Arba Kosos" --four cups-- of wine, which represent the "four languages of redemption," but we eat charoses to commemorate the mortar bricks we were forced to make. Maror reminds us of the bitter times we spent in Egypt, yet we recline to demonstrate our liberty. The explanation, however, is obvious. As our Sages put it, "Light is only fully recognized when emerging from darkness." One can only appreciate the importance of freedom after he fully understands what slavery entails. To truly 28 MARCH 2012
praise Hashem for taking us out of Egypt, we must first learn about slavery, and even perform physical symbols to bring home to us how bitter it actually was. Matzah and maror can also be seen as "opposites," as the following story illustrates. One Seder night, the holy Rebbe Reb Yissachar Dov of Belz was walking through the alleyways of his town Belz. As he passed by the house of a simple yet G-d-fearing Jew, he stopped by the window to listen in on his Seder. He overheard the Jew saying the section of the Haggadah which establishes the correct time to remember the Exodus: "One might think that the obligation to discuss the Exodus commences with the first day of the month of Nissan... therefore the Torah adds (Exodus 13:8), 'It is because of this that Hashem did so for me when I went out of Egypt," [the pronoun this implies something tangible, leading us to conclude that] I have commanded you [to discuss the Exodus] only when matzah and maror are TO ADVERTISE 773.336.8225
lying before you [at the Seder]." The simple Jew, it seems, was not very learned. Instead of saying,"have commanded you only when matzah and maror lie (munachim) before you," he said,"I have commanded you only when matzah and maror are mechutanim (i.e. relatives through marriage) before you." It was all his disciples could do not to break out laughing. Yet to their surprise, R' Yissachar Dov took his blunder quite seriously. After pondering the simple Jew's words for a moment, he remarked, "Indeed, matzah and maror are mechutanim!" Seeing his disciples' amazement, he related the following story. Reb Zelig was a rich and important Jew who's daughter's time had come to marry. Her father searched far and wide for a young man worthy to take his daughter's hand in marriage, yet it seemed that every boy he met just didn't suit the bill. One day, while travelling on business, he came across a young man sitting and learning in beis ha-midrash. At first, R' Zelig was put off by the boy's shoddy clothes and impoverished appearance. The more they spoke, however, the more impressed he became. "This young man is a diamond in the rough," he thought to himself. R' Zelig wasted no time, and immediately arranged a shidduch, with a date for the wedding to be arranged later. So excited was R' Zelig by his chassan that he began to become paranoid lest someone else "discover" him and steal from him his catch. He sent an urgent telegram to the young chassan. "Come right away," it said, "the wedding must take place immediately! Do not worry about clothing or wedding expenses, I will take care of everything." Alarmed, the chassan promptly gathered his meagre possessions, and travelled to the city of the kallah. When he arrived, he was
whisked off to the tailor to have a new suit made for the chassunah. The tailor was instructed save the chassan's old torn suit for the father of the kallah, who was footing the bill. Then, not even taking the time to prepare a lavish wedding banquet, as would normally befit a man such as R' Zelig, a hasty chassunah took place. In later years, when R' Zelig's son-in-law disagreed with him, or refused to take his advice, R' Zelig would go to his closet and remove the old, tattered clothing his son-inlaw had worn before marrying his daughter. "You forget," he would say, "that I'm the one who made you what you are today. Look at your regal clothing - this is what you used to wear!" Not to be outdone, R' Zelig's son-in-law had his own trick up his sleeve. He had put aside a stale piece of bread from the hastily prepared leftovers which had been served at his chassunah meal, saving it for just such an occasion. Taking it out, he would say, "Ah, but you too forget just how anxious you were to have me as your son-in-law. Why, you didn't even take the time to prepare a normal meal you just couldn't wait!" "So, you see," said the Belzer Rebbe, "they were mechutanim worthy of one another." "The same discussion," concluded the Rebbe,"takes place between the Jewish nation and Hashem on the Seder night. Hashem, so to speak, takes out the maror, showing it to us. 'You see,' He tells us, 'this is how bitter your lives were before I took you out of Mitzrayim. Without Me, you would still be there!' But, not to be had, we too have what to say. We take out the unleavened matzos before Hashem, as if to say to him, 'Ah, but remember the rush You were in to have us as your nation. Why, you couldn't even wait until our bread had time to bake!' Indeed, matzah and maror are the finest of mechutanim."
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Recipes from our kitchen to yours! Outrageous Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Cookies
Ingredients
Directions
1/2 cup butter 1/2 cup white sugar 1/3 cup packed brown sugar 1/2 cup peanut butter 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 egg 1 cup all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup rolled oats 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350o. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter, white sugar and brown sugar until smooth. Stir in the peanut butter, vanilla and egg until well blended. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt; stir into the batter just until moistened. Mix in the oats and chocolate chips until evenly distributed. Drop by tablespoonfuls on to lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake for 10- 12 minutes in the preheated oven, until the edges start to brown. Cool on cookie sheets for about 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely. Submitted by Ariella Friedman
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READING CLINIC S M A L L
G R O U P
Summer Program • KINDERGARTEN & FIRST GRADE SEPARATE CLINICS • PHONEMIC AWARENESS • PHONICS • FLUENCY AND COMPREHENSION
I N S T R U C T I O N
$
25 aweek
2 – ONE HOUR SESSIONS (SUNDAY MORNING AND MIDWEEK EVENING) 4 WEEKS MINIMUM IMPROVEMENT GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK
Naama Goldstein Reading Specialist
(TRAINED TO USE THE ORTON-GILLINGHAM APPROACH)
773-590-2117 NaamaGoldstein@yahoo.com Private Tutoring in all subjects English or Hebrew available.
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P E S A C H
I N
S O U T H E R N
C A L I F O R N I A
THE PROGRAM WITH CLASS IN EVERY DETAIL
THE WERNER BROTHERS of KMR TOURS PRESEN T PESACH
2012
at The Five Diamond Park Hyatt Aviara FEATURING THE FINEST IN DINING FROM THE KMR GOURMET CULINARY TEAM, JOINED BY THE RENOWNED
CATERING BY MICHAEL SCHICK.
Secluded amid 200 acres of verdant hillsides and rolling valleys | Balcony/patio in every room with mountain & ocean views | Beach butler service | Two outdoor pools | Exciting nightly entertainment | Outstanding childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s programs | Beautiful two mile Resort Batiquitos Lagoon trail | Many theme parks in close proximity | Experienced Teachers available for children & adult classes or private learning | Non Gebrokts, Shmurah Matza, and Cholov Yisroel
KMR WELCOMES BACK Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, Founder & President of Hineni Rabbi Yosef Y. Jacobson, One of the most sought-after Jewish speakers in the world today
Rabbi Binyomin Ginsberg, Noted Chinuch Columnist
ENTIRE RESORT EXCLUSIVE FOR KMR GUESTS Please visit our website for a complete list of services, activities, amenities & much more. 1-888-567-0100 or 718-778-4241 WWW.KMRTOURS.COM 32 MARCH 2012
TO ADVERTISE 773.336.8225
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34 MARCH 2012
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1. Blue button is now red. 2. Boy’s bobby pin is missing. 3. One of the motorcycles is missing from the screen. 4. Buttons missing from the other player’s motorcycle. 5. Universal logo is missing from game name plaque. 6. Girl in the background is missing. 7. 150 on motorcycle speedometer changed to 510. 8. White lettering from arcade is missing. 9. Black screws missing from the side of the arcade game. 10. READY on the screen is now hot pink.
ONE OF THE 120 PARTICIPANTS HAVING FUN AT THE MIDWEST NCSY JUNIOR WINTER SATURDAY NIGHT EVENT IN MILWAUKEE
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Email your pictures to: chicagojewish advertiser @gmail.com
YOUR Picture! Double Take Can you spot the differences in these two pictures?
DoubleTake
APRIL ISSUE DEADLINE
MARCH 16
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CLASSIFIEDS CAR SERVICE
ALAMO SHOES Brand names for the entire family FREE PARKING From school to shul!
10% OFF
Exp.4/10/12
5321 N. Clark St., Chicago | 773-334-6100
Our Lowest Prices (Entire Purchase)
TIMES FOR CHICAGO, IL WWW.OU.ORG
Happy Pesach!
ta, hf - MAR 9
trehu - MAR 23
5:32 p.m.
6:48 p.m.
hsuepqkvehu -
um - MAR 30
MAR 16
6:56 p.m.
6:40 p.m.
Coming to New York or New Jersey? Prompt & reliable Shomer Shabbos car service available for pickups at airports, simcha halls, Lakewood, etc. Late night & early morning service available.
Please call:
Harry Schonfeld 917-776-6260
ART LESSONS
All ages, your home or mine. Reasonable rates! EXQUISITE PENCIL/ PASTEL PORTRAITS from your photos, Unique Gift for Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Wedding, Anniversary Esther Weiner 773-764-6692 portraitsbyesther@gmail.com
jop ‘t - APRIL 6 7:04 p.m.
jop ‘c - APRIL 7 AFTER
8:05 p.m.
jop ‘z - APRIL 12 7:10 p.m.
jop ‘j - APRIL 13 7:11 p.m.
36 MARCH 2012
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JEWISH HUMOR Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s funny because we say so!
Pesach Lunch A Jewish man took his Pesach lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, he passed a sheet of matzoh to the man.
------------------MAKE YOUR PASSOVER RESERVATIONS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE-----------------
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, & finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this nonsense?"
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38 MARCH 2012
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Student: Josh P. Hobbies: Rocketry, chess Aspiration: Astronaut Math before: Grounded Math now: Blast off!!
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