Things That Need to be Considered:

1. Both the bullied and the bully are in pain (emotionally and potentially physically) and both need to be addressed with that in mind. That doesn’t condone a behavior, but it is something essential to be aware of when working together to create a solution.

2. Let's change the narrative from “what is wrong with you?” to “what happened to you”?

3. Bullying generally happens in settings where parents are not, on digital devices, in schools, on the playground at lunch/recess, at sports practice etc. Parents need to be a part of the conversation in a collaborative way.

4. Action steps are not one size fits all as each individual case has their own circumstances.

5. Action steps need to be consistent, attainable, and sustainable in each scenario.

6. Students of any age experiencing bullying need to know that their support team has their back. This team includes educators, parents and, of course, the students involved. This means creating safe and brave spaces for them to be actively listened to as they lean into vulnerability. This also means including the students in the solution to end the bullying, not just stop it for a day.

A lot has happened to our youth in recent years and their mental health concerns are at an all time high.

Should Pink Shirt Day go away? No. However, we need to work together to create proactive, sustainable action steps that positively support all parties involved and help us focus on the strong, not the wrong. We need to have a plan for moving beyond Pink Shirt Day.

"Yourstoryisaworkofart. Whenyoufocusonthe strengthswithinyourstoryyou areempoweredtomoveforward andflourish.Letmehelpyou discoverthepossibilities"

I AM HERE TO SUPPORT YOU peerspectiveconsulting@gmail.com.

You are not alone.

It’s not easy for anyone at any age to speak up and admit, “I am being bullied.” It’s just not that simple and often, when asked, the individual may not always be honest out of fear or lack of hope.

- Kathy James, Speaker, Trainer, Author & Mentor

Sure, 30 years later it’s easy for me to say that each day for three years, I was subjected to harassment, outrageous nasty rumors, and threats from not only one of my peers, but many times six to eight other teens. I hid that I was being subjected to constant berating every day because I didn’t feel confident that speaking up would make much difference and honestly, my life at home wasn’t much better. I lacked a sense of hope and confidence in the adults around me.

Growing up, both of my parents were addicted to drugs and although I was being raised by my grandparents, the home was troubled with emotional, verbal, and physical violence and alcoholism.

With the violence and emotional abuse at home and the threats and fears I was experiencing from school; it didn’t take long for me to start to mirror the aggression.

In the beginning, I had convinced myself that I was taking up for myself or for others around me, but the aggression and anger grew. Eventually, I started to harass, ridicule, and threaten girls and I became the very bully that I once loathed. I had little to no control over many aspects of my life at home and becoming someone that others feared made me feel in control and powerful.

I took my pain, anger, and fears out on anyone and everyone and it was becoming increasingly dangerous. The physical violence continued for many years, even after becoming a mother and a wife, but thankfully, with the help of some amazing supportive individuals, I was able to begin a new path to end the violent cycle and broke many other self-destructive habits along the way.

Over the years, I have asked myself, “What would have changed for my life as a teen or as a young adult if someone had taken notice that there was trouble at home or had intervened when my peers and I were being subjected to constant ridicule at school?

What would have changed in the weeks, months, and years to come, if instead of being labeled as a bad kid or a bully, the choice was made to extend support, empathy, and care to me and to my peers?

Would I have continued the destructive violent path that I eventually led for so many years? Could I have avoided more trauma and pain?

What if, someone had stopped to ask: “Why?”, “Are you okay?” “Did something happen?” Or just to say, “I care about you, and I am here to help.”?

If we are going to advocate for mental health, then we must do so from all angles. Bullying is an outward expression of what is going on inside and we need to ask why and then ask why twice over to determine the root cause.

We must do better at saying, “I see you.” and asking, “How can I help?”

We MUST commit to supporting ALL youth, those subjected to bullying as well as the “bully” by taking proactive measures to reduce ongoing trauma of all kinds, reducing the risk of the cycle continuing and victimization in the long term. The first step towards reducing the risk of bullying is to seek to understand the why, without labeling.

Common reasons why individuals bully:

• The desire to fit in.

• They are being bullied either at home or at school.

• Emotional or physical abuse.

• Doesn’t fully grasp the impact the behavior is having.

• Learned behavior.

• Stress or trauma.

• Low self-esteem. Additionally, I think it is vital that we educate and arm ourselves with the resources that will help prepare us to extend support proactively and empathetically. Common warning signs to look for:

• Being irritable and/or aggressive.

• Trouble focusing on assignments.

• Problems sleeping/nightmares.

• Complain frequently of headaches, stomach aches, or other physical problems.

• Loss of interest in doing schoolwork, or suddenly begin to do poorly in school.

• Appear sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home.

• Experience a loss of appetite.

• Appears anxious, afraid, disconnected.

• Suffers from low self-esteem.

I believe that it is worth mentioning that these warning signs are the same for the youth being “bullied” as well as the youth being labeled as the “bully”. Individuals don’t just bully. We must do better at asking, “Why?”.

Helpful Crisis Resources:

• Canada: o 24-Hour Crisis Call 1-833-456-4566 or text o To connect with a mental health professional one-on-one:

▪ Call 1-888-668-6810 or text WELLNESS to 686868 for youth

▪ Call 1-866-585-0445 or text WELLNESS to 741741 for adults

• United States: o Nationwide Crisis Text or Call 988 o GLBT National Youth Talk line 1-800-246-PRIDE

IT’S TIME TO CHANGE THE NARRATIVE!

Growing up as a kid, I accepted being bullied as a way of life. I did not have the resources to ask for help. Nor did my parents or I openly talk about it. The mentality I grew up with was to “suck it up” and carry on with life. I was constantly reminded that life challenges us and assumed being bullied was one of those challenges. I transformed myself to avoid being picked on; speaking and acting differently. I did not realize that, deep down, I was losing my sense of self-worth and outsourcing my need for validation. “If others accepted me, then I must be good enough” was the narrative I started using to define my life. Unfortunately, this narrative carried into my adult life and presented itself in almost all my relationships; I constantly sought validation from others at work, at home, or with friends.

After going through hours of therapy, reading book after book, journaling, reflecting, meditating, and changing my thought patterns, I have finally started to see the damage I did to my well-being and sense of self through seeking validation from others. But I still fall into that rut of scarcity and “not being good enough,” which is okay because that is also a test. It’s easy to do all that work and shame ourselves for making mistakes. The shame spiral sucks us down like a vortex, and we fall out of alignment with ourselves. While working on identifying my negative thought patterns and healing the childhood narratives has been a continuous and arduous journey, the reminder to have compassion for myself for compassion for myself for reverting back to my old self is equally crucial. Because if we cannot speak with ourselves with kindness or compassion in those moments, we let the same voice take over, which is the voice we need to silence. We need to start changing the narrative around bullying, feelings, talking openly and then maybe we will start to see a change.

The most powerful thing we can do for our kids, for all kids (and for adults) is making sure they know that there is someone who understands their pain and is willing to listen to them without judgment.

Seeking a School like Home?

Banbury Crossroads is the first self-directed private school in Calgary! Since 1979 we have offered full-day Junior-K to Grade 12.

Our goal is to foster student autonomy within a safe, relaxed environment of mutual respect. Our small (10:1) class sizes allow teachers to have quality time with their students, providing individualized academic instruction; teaching each child individually. This nurturing setting generates meaningful, trusting relationships that enhance learning. Students learn to communicate, negotiate, collaborate, and solve problems. These soft skills are helpful as they enter the wider community through field trips, volunteerism, and internships. Banbury Crossroads youth become intrinsically motivated and empowered to chart the course of their own education and, through their passionate engagement in learning, to contribute to the wider world.