Putting it on the Table: Why Men Need to have Real Conversations

In a time where men everywhere are struggling to find an identity and in a constant state of confusion, the answer to this state is right in front of us at our disposal. While we are constantly being inundated with information and ideologies around how men need to behave, how to act and what to say from all directions, what is needed is leadership and brotherhood.

The problem is that so many men have become attached to the idea of what they do with their lives rather than who they can be. This pursuit of an ideal set by someone else creates the chase of something that is often unattainable. Besides, there is no meaning in pursuing a goal you do not set for yourself. Additionally, from a neurological perspective, our body releases dopamine when we pursue something, not when we achieve it. Therefore, the focus must shift to the present moment and find meaning in every interaction, every action, every choice, and every word we speak.

Because our perspectives are limited, we also have blind spots. Often, we need people around us who can hold us accountable. The challenge is that men have lost a sense of connection and vulnerability. Most male relationships are based around sports, women and work. The typical “locker room” talk that people ascribe to masculinity no longer serves men. As men evolve, so do their needs for comradery and the ability to speak openly about everyday challenges we all encounter. Our ancestral men travelled in tribes and connected; they sat around fires and shared stories and experiences. These men learned from each other and pushed each other to become better. They held space for each other and had their backs.

Men need and crave a connection outside their romantic relationships, work lives and everyday responsibilities. What is missing is a safe space to be vulnerable and speak openly, not out hustling, out competing or un-upping each other. The competitiveness and hustle can be left on the court or in the office, which is crucial if exercised healthily.

However, outside of that, we all want a place to go where we belong and can take our masks off and just be us. That does not happen without vulnerability. In my experience, I believe in the power of one; it takes one person to be vulnerable and takes the pressure off of everyone. But most men constantly wait for someone else to take that first step and often wait forever. Hence, leadership and brotherhood are the antidotes to this persisting issue.

The next challenge is finding a group of like-minded men or where one starts. The amazing thing is that many men have taken it upon themselves to create their initiatives and gatherings to get together and have the difficult conversations we must have. Sometimes it requires taking the initiative to ask around or do research. Sometimes, the initiative requires building or starting something from the ground up. It can look like whatever one wants it to be as long it serves individuals.

In my case, I was feeling lonely and isolated at times during Covid-19 amidst the various lockdowns. Being the social creatures we are, I found it extremely difficult to be cut off from friends, sports, family, and co-workers. Fortunately, I connected with other men on social media and started attending men’s groups remotely with these men across the globe. While we were from different parts of the world, we all shared the need for connection and found safety. I gained tremendous value from these group sessions and realized their benefit. I also felt that these groups in person would feel even more powerful for me.

A couple of months later, I was introduced to someone who has become a very good friend. We connected and started chatting about starting a men’s group locally in Calgary. After spending a few months researching and sorting out all the details, we started the group and asked some friends to join. Over time, many men have joined through word of mouth. In the past 14 months of being part of this group, I have gained more than I thought I would. We have shared laughs and some tough conversations while holding space for each other. Many of us have shared things we would not openly discuss or even share with our close ones. At our table, we have experienced vulnerability that has only strengthened us.

Despite us coming from different backgrounds, walks of life and childhood experiences, we all share something in common that unites us. We can take something home from each session. I personally value the opportunity to be held accountable and am often reminded to be kinder to myself. I often leave these sessions with many things to think about, reflect upon, or think deeper about something. The table is a great place to test out my thoughts and ideas, be given honest feedback and not feel judged. Often, many of us struggle with the same questions and challenges; all it takes is one person putting it on the table. That is why these spaces are so crucial; they not only offer men an opportunity to find a sense of connection and community but also learn, grow and evolve. These spaces allow men to have conversations they often cannot have with their partners, colleagues, family members or even friends. By putting whatever is on the table, we can take more back. The table is where we take our masks off and step outside what we do for work, where we come from, and our labels. At the table, we are all equal, and we are all present.

The real conversations show our human side amidst all the noise, busyness, and deadlines this world offers us. We all need a tribe where we feel like we belong. Where we can go and take our armour off and just be. These conversations are often more powerful than we think, and they allow our true selves to come out.

Sometimes we lose sight of how deep we bury those parts of ourselves. So, I encourage everyone to find their table where they can have real conversations. If you cannot find one or don’t like what you see, start your own table, and see what happens. Like Jim Rohn said: “Whatever good things we build end up building us.”