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dailybobo
April 1,
2010
The Independent Voice Of UNM Since 1895 Stuffi ng News Down Your Throat Since 1895
volume 114 issue 126
Duck Pond adventure uncovers toxic treasure by Quarter Roy
day, but he was glad to figure out where he was. “I was in one of my Scotland lakes and I felt like going on a walk. So I went to my armoire to get my ecause everyone and everything coat and I just fell into some parallel universe,” the seems to gravitate toward the Duck monster said. “As it turns out, I’m in New Mexico.” A mermaid, covered in a toxic film, warned AvPond, Daily Bobo editor-in-chief Eva Avenue got to wondering what’s at the enue not to go in the Duck Pond again because of the water quality. bottom. “Then, I guess she felt bad for me, so she gave So she suited up and went for a dive at 8 a.m. me the answer sheet to Thursday. You will not believe the Anthropology 150 final the treasure gathering down in exam,” Avenue said. “If anythe wet, stinky freeze. It’s really one has that class, you can polluted. come by the newsroom to She found an old TV, the Loch see me about it, but don’t tell Ness Monster, all sorts of weird Mark Muller.” monster fish looking like they got While headed to his weekcaught in a nuclear waste tide, ly Playwrights Anonymous some dead bodies (though one ~James Blessing meeting, student James Blesslooked like he was still breathing ing saw her procure some of — Avenue said she kicked him in the chest and he got up out of the water), a platter his belongings from the pond. “I was walking by when she totally pulled out of buttered bagels and spaghetti with refried beanballs, GPSA’s 15th draft of amendments from Octo- my old stolen bike!” he said. “Then she pulled out my missing homework assignments from freshber 2009… The Loch Ness Monster was the most shocked men year, mismatched socks from my argyle colto see Avenue in the water, she said. The monster lection, my pink lighter and my pet turtle. Thanks, said it’s been a while since he’s seen the light of Daily Bobo!”
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Daily Bobo
“I was walking by when she totally pulled out my old stolen bike!”
Vanessa Sanchez / Daily Bobo Eva Avenue, Daily Bobo commander-in-chief, found this sea monster during a quick dip in the Duck Pond on Wednesday. To see the specimen, come by the Daily Bobo newsroom in Marron Hall.
Avenue resurrects a TV from the depths of the Duck Pond. She dates it at about 15 years old, because it was looping a really old episode of “The Simpsons” when she discovered it. You know, when they had those really weird voices. Gabbi Campos / Daily Bobo
UNM drowning in wet campus by Richie Yelkin Daily Bobo
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t’s been four days since UNM repealed its “dry campus” rules, and the Daily Bobo still can’t find a single sober person to interview. “Issshh ‘cuz we’re all- all are celebratin!” said Petey “Taz” Radisson, a drunk student. “We’sh got to show everbody we know that’s we can, uh… party!” New UNM President John Birks “Dizzy” Kulkarni, who instituted the “wet campus” rule, said he felt it was important to show students that personal freedom must be balanced with a keen sense of responsibility. “Wooooooo!” he said. A student protest against the ongoing quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan was unusually festive Tuesday. “You know what? I don’t, um, don’t, um,” said protest organizer Jeff “Concerned Citizen” Glbert. “I, um, party!” Curiously, UNM campus is still considered smoke-free. Earth Sciences Professor James “Nerd” Cooley said he was not drunk while teaching class. “I habn’t been drankin since I wab 13 year ol,” Cooley slurred while
Inside the
Daily Bobo
Joey Trisolini / Daily Lobo Student Ryan Garcia takes a study break four days into the implementation of UNM’s wet campus policy. “Leave me alone, mom!” he screamed at our photographer.
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools. Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs. Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard. For entertainment purposes only.
standing pantless in front of a halffull lecture hall. “I- Well, this inter-erview it over, I think I’m teaching class right now.” Cooley passed out in a puddle of his own vomit approximately five minutes later, but was not rushed to the hospital because no one was sober enough to remember the number for 9-1-1. Students in the Coronado dormitory celebrated the rules by urinating out of open windows. Resident Advisor Jimbo “Boot Camp” Laine was not angry about being accidentally peed on seven times, because, he said, “the moisture helps the heat.” Regent Jackson “Moneybags” White, who was a staunch opponent of the “wet campus” rules, said he was completely wrong to try to keep the alcohol ban in place. “I’m really impressed with the level of maturity the students have demonstrated here since the wet campus rules were instituted four days ago,” he said. “I have come to the understanding that this campus is populated by level-headed adults, who won’t fly off the handle or act irresponsibly just because they’re allowed to have a
see Wet campus page 3
hot as hell or freaking snow
Who knows? It’s New Mexico. Your guess is as good as ours