Planet JH 12.23.15

JACKSON HOLE’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE | PLANETJH.COM | DECEMBER 23-29, 2015

After digging into Jackson Hole’s culinary milieu, a visiting food critic will never be the same.

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2 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

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Special orders from the bakery always welcome from special occasion cakes & cupcakes to muffins & raw treats.

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JACKSON HOLE'S ALTERNATIVE VOICE

VOLUME 13 | ISSUE 50 | DECEMBER 23-29, 2015

11 COVER STORY FRIED OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER Executive Chef Santiago Kano at The Kitchen Cover photo by Robyn Vincent; cover design by Cait Lee

4 GUEST OPINION 22 MUSIC BOX 6 THE BUZZ

24 GET OUT

8 THE BUZZ 2

30 THE FOODIE FILES

20 GAME TIME

39 SATIRE

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December 23, 2015

By Meteorologist Jim Woodmencey

I

Jim has been forecasting the weather here for more than 20 years. You can find more Jackson Hole Weather information at www.mountainweather.com SPONSORED BY GRAND TETON FLOOR & WINDOW COVERINGS

The average low temperatures this week in Jackson are right around four degrees, but the record low temperature this week is 40-below zero. That happened on December 23rd 1990. The coldest Christmas Day ever was back in 1952, when the local thermometer bottomed out at 32-below zero. The high temperature on that Christmas was only 9-below zero. That is pretty cold, even for a guy from the North Pole.

The average high temperature this week is 27-degrees, that’s relatively cool compared to the record high temps we’ve had here this week. On two occasions the afternoon high in Jackson during this week reached 49-degrees, once back on December 28th, 1980 and once way back on December 29th, 1933. The hottest Christmas Day we have ever had in Jackson was in 1950, when it was 47-degrees. That’s too warm for a stocking cap.

AVERAGE PRECIPITATION: 1.52 inches RECORD PRECIPITATION: 5.95 inches (1964) AVERAGE SNOWFALL: 17 inches RECORD SNOWFALL: 47 inches

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DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 3

t’s Christmastime and I cannot remember the last time we did not have a White Christmas in Jackson Hole. There have been some close calls in the 30-some years that I have lived here, but Mother Nature has always come through in the clutch. Well, there may have been a little brown showing through in town one or two times over the years. But normally, we have snow-cover throughout the valley by December 25th. As a matter of fact, the average snow-depth in Town on Christmas Day is a little more than 7 inches.

WHAT’S COOL WHAT’S HOT

NORMAL HIGH 27 NORMAL LOW 4 RECORD HIGH IN 1933 49 RECORD LOW IN 1990 -40

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4 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

GUEST OPINION Ante Up To create the Jackson Hole we want, we have to put our chips on the table.

BY CRAIG BENJAMIN

H

alfway up the boot pack on Mt. Glory for a dawn patrol lap with two good friends, I stopped to catch my breath and realized this is why I love living here.

To my right, the early morning sun rose over the Gros Ventres, scorching the sky an indescribable pink. To my left lay nearly endless peaks and bowls, beckoning me to ski them when I had more than a few hours before work.

Between the three of us, we knew nearly every person we saw in the parking lot and on the hike up, leaving us glowing with that sense of community you only find in a closeknit small town. Then there was the ski down. The snow wasn’t ideal, but any time you get to make 1,500 feet of turns with friends before you walk into the office, it’s a good day.

But one image from the hike up burrowed into my brain and wouldn’t let go. I had turned to look at the sunrise and instead saw a never-ending line of cars commuting over Teton Pass and up Snake River canyon, and rural development sprawling across our valley. While I shoved this negative image out of my brain for our lap, it kept sneaking back into my thoughts because it captures the core of the challenges facing our community.

Right now we’re dealing with a housing crisis that’s destroying our middle class and threatening the fabric of our community, transportation challenges that are tearing into our quality of life, rural development that is consuming the wildlife habitat and open spaces that define our valley, and more than 200 animals that are struck and killed on our roads every year.

It’s great our elected representatives have adopted plans to help address our housing and transportation challenges, are working on a plan to reduce wildlife-vehicle collisions and are poised to adopt updated rural land development regulations that will encourage the permanent protection of wildlife habitat and open space. These are important and

necessary first steps in the right direction.

But these plans aren’t enough. If we’re serious about addressing the challenges we face, we must have the courage necessary to provide Teton County voters with the opportunity to fund these plans. Without consistent and predictable funding, these plans will not effect tangible change.

Here’s the problem: right now, our local government simply lacks the money necessary to deal with the tremendous challenges facing our community. Town and county leaders have repeatedly stated that it will be incredibly hard to accomplish our housing and transportation goals without a dedicated funding source for capital and operational expenditures.

Making matters worse, because of declining energy revenue and associated budget cuts at the state level, we are facing cuts to our local budget as we will likely receive less funding from the state. This means that unless we provide voters the opportunity to approve new revenue for the operation of our local government, we’re very likely facing cuts in the basic services we receive today. Imagine slower response times from our emergency responders. Consider decreased hours at our library and rec center. Think about the human consequences of cuts to the critical social services that support those most in need. It doesn’t have to be this way.

This is a choice about what type of community we want to be. We can be a community that keeps our middle class and maintains a close-knit small-town feel by making it possible for at least two thirds of people who work here to afford to live here. We can be a community that deals with our traffic congestion by providing people with choices through investments in transit, walking and bicycling. We can be a community with connected habitat where wildlife can safely cross the road. But only if we make the right choice.

Our elected representatives can lead us to a better future by letting our community choose to approve a package of capital investments funded through the specific purpose excise tax (SPET) and funding for operations and additional strategic capital projects through an increase in the general

“I had turned to look at the sunrise and instead saw a neverending line of cars commuting over Teton Pass.”

SNOW PACK REPORT “V

ariable” seems to be the word for the last two weeks when it comes to our snow quality and, more importantly, our snowpack. Snow has come in waves followed by a sudden heat wave creating unique packs in a variety of areas. Look at the recent storm that dropped roughly a foot of snow immediately followed up with a high of 40 degrees on December 19.

These periods of snow bring great angst, especially with how little we have gotten, which can lead to some of us catching powder fever. Some of you must have caught it because there were two skier-triggered avalanches on December 11 and 12, and two snowmobiler triggered avalanches on the 13th. Fortunately, there were no injuries or fatalaties.

Up until Monday’s storm, in general, the pack had been relatively stable. I had not noticed anything glaring at me for the days I have skied so far besides those large facet feathers

sales tax.

Specifically, our elected representatives should provide Teton County voters with the opportunity in November to approve a new, consistent and predictable funding source — like an increase in the general sales tax — to implement our county-approved plans to deal with our housing, transportation and habitat connectivity issues. In addition, in August they should provide voters with the opportunity to support a comprehensive list of capital investments appropriate for funding through SPET, like the implementation of our wildlife-crossings master plan, an expansion of the START maintenance facility and shovel-ready projects that will help hard-working families afford to live here.

Yes, it’s hard, even a little scary, to consider raising taxes. Here’s the thing — for decades, our community has shown time and time again that it’s willing to fund investments that address the challenges we face and improve our quality of life, and recent public opinion research shows Teton County voters would support this approach.

Even better, our local elected representatives have a long and proud history of fiscal discipline and spending our money wisely. They can build on this tradition of accountability by providing a detailed plan to voters about how they will spend new revenue (that includes some flexibility for strategic investments) and create a citizen oversight committee that provides our community with annual reports to ensure this plan is followed. Communities across America have proven the effectiveness of this tactic.

Look, it’s simple. If we are serious about addressing our housing, transportation and habitat connectivity challenges, and avoiding potential cuts to basic services, we need to approve both new general revenue and a package of associated capital investments funded through SPET. Let’s support our elected representatives in providing us with this opportunity. PJH

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forming through November that are in the back of my mind every time I go out. With the new snow coming in and the infamous Teton winds, expect avy danger to increase, as new snow is blown around and forms into a soft slab. When choosing terrain, for now until we get more snow and it settles, keep it mellow before you start hucking yourself into steep, high consequence terrain. I know some of you have already been doing that, to each her own I suppose. It is still early season though, considering the BTAC has said that our pack is at a 4 - 4.5-foot base.

Finally it’s worth noting that on Dec. 19 a skier triggered a slide with a 3-foot crown, just south of the resort, most likely caused by those facets that formed back in mid-November.

Stay safe out there friends, and pray for snow.

– Steve Weiss

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6 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

THE BUZZ Devil in the Details DREW RUSH

Officials debate the ins and outs of Jackson’s future.

BY JAKE NICHOLS

County crushes conservation County officials met last week to finalize rural Land Development Regulations (LDRs) for various districts including amendments to Division 6.1, the establishment of three new zones in Division 3.2, and updates to conservation easements in Division 7.1. The LDRs were unanimously adopted during a county meeting Tuesday morning.

But as the pen hovered over the dotted line last week, commissioners received an outpouring of public comment on property owners’ options for conservation. Others were concerned with unintended consequences of adopting policies in District 3.2 that could disallow educational outreach at places like the Teton Raptor Center and Teton Science Schools.

The Jackson Hole Land Trust led the way with a strongly worded letter urging elected officials to move the required baseline inventory process — a de facto Environmental Assessment study — to the final stages of an easement deed rather than a prerequisite to submitting an application with the county planning department. The Land Trust also objected to language that it felt would hamstring large landowners’ ability to seek accessory uses with conservation easements — things like weddings and other events. Neighbors have often complained about hearing more than cowbells from adjacent ranches. “[This] is a deal breaker,” said Laurie Andrews, executive director of the Land Trust. “Brad Mead would not have done his recent easement if this was on the books. You are killing conservation before it happens.”

Former commissioner Hank Phibbs also advised the board to reconsider how conservation easements would be handled in the future.

“I had the curse of being involved in planning in this valley since 1973,” Phibbs began. “I strongly support the changes recommended by the Land Trust. Those are the folks who have the track record, the history and the perspective. The county should not get in the way of conservation easements.”

Deidre Bainbridge owns property bordering the Serenity Ranch. The agricultural 209-acre parcel was once owned and operated by the Hansen family. It has been protected by easement since 2001.

“You have a duty as commissioners to protect our property rights,” Bainbridge said. “You’ve excluded things like noise from parties or sprinklers, fencing, lighting. What’s the point of having an NRO [Natural Resource Overlay zoning] and pretending we care about wildlife corridors when ranchers can fence and chase away wildlife any hour of the day or night as they please?”

Planning commissioner Stephen Fodor said commissioners should carefully balance private property rights with wildlife and open space. “The county seems to be implementing its own judgment on what is open space. That’s troubling.

Trust the Land Trust on this one,” he said. Fodor added that he also had the backing of two of the biggest landowners in the county: Bill Resor and Kelly Lockhart.

“I’ve worked on about 20 conservation easements for the family over the years. I’ve also seen about 12 easements that never happened because the board of county commissioners

The Mead family’s 380-acre easement, secured by Jackson Hole Land Trust, lies just beyond the 211-acre Hansen Ranch (seen in the foreground) in Spring Gulch. said, ‘No, we don’t want to do it,’” Resor said. “Remove some barriers and you may get one, or two, or three more easements. Otherwise, you won’t know what you missed. You are impacting existing uses, and stopping future uses and not even know it.”

Lockhart made the most impassioned plea to the commissioners.

“I’ve been the fortunate caretaker of certain R1 lands that have been in the family for generations. My family has applied to the county, and we are not too far away from doing an easement under the old regulations. You have made it difficult and are making it more difficult to do conservation. So I can tell you for certain that as long as I am the caretaker of these lands and your regulations look like they do, I would be very nervous about doing future easements. It shouldn’t be a secret why,” Lockhart said.

“Other multigenerational stewardship families I’ve discussed it with also feel this way. People move on, and we pick up the pieces of what you’ve done. I hope this works for the community, first of all for my family and for future generations. Because I suspect families will come before future boards and the only consistency will be the families are still here and your faces will have changed.”

Jackson Hole Conservation Alliance community planning director Mary Gibson called the majority feedback “legitimate, honest and real” and said she was comfortable with what major landholders were asking for.

“When Laurie [Andrews] asked Brad [Mead] if he would have done his easements or consider any in the future under the new proposed regulations and he said, ‘No,’ well, that should tell you something. We are disappointed that it doesn’t look like that change will be made,” Gibson said, referring to an informal straw poll vote that indicates commissioners are leaning (3-2) toward not asking staff to make any more revisions.

Amy McCarthy, of the Teton Raptor Center, asked the board to reconsider “education and assembly,” which would be prohibited uses in certain NRO zones like those proposed for the Teton Raptor Center and Teton Science Schools.

Science schools director Chris Agnew echoed her comments. “We own almost 1,000 acres in the NRO. We’ve developed only 15 of these acres. We do education. This penalizes us for sacrifices we’ve made,” he said.

Before the county commissioners once again tabled a final decision (the next meeting will be Jan. 13 on rural LDRs), former county planning director Jeff Daugherty asked that a Reader’s Digest version of the murky documents be created.

“I think readability and comprehensibility should be considered,” Daugherty said. “If Fodor and I are struggling with understanding this, how can the public or the commission get through it?”

“If you can make it more understandable, please do,” commission chair Barbara Allen told long-range planner Alex Norton.

Town kills commercial

As long as the county has been flogging away at LDR revisions, the town has been languishing in those final stages of the Comp Plan as well. Town planner Tyler Sinclair modestly called it a “fair amount of time,” but council members have seen proposed District 2 LDR regulations since the spring of 2013.

After a summer packed with traffic and “housing needed” ads, town officials have finally seen the light and seem poised on following staff recommendations that no additional nonresidential development is necessary in Jackson.

But zero doesn’t exactly mean zero. An estimated 1.9 million square feet of latent commercial zoning sits on the books from the 1994 Comp Plan. That should be plenty for the next 20 years, staffers have stated, saying it’s time now to get housing on the ground.

At Monday’s town workshop, councilors seemed in agreement as they head into another joint meeting with the county to make a final decision on Downtown District 2 LDRs. Councilor Don Frank asked staff if there was some way to monitor progress toward the building of workforce housing.

“How onerous would it be to issue a quarterly report?” asked Frank. “I think the whole community would love to have some check-ins on empirical growth in the town and county. A go-to point so that no matter what you hear, or read, or think — this would be anecdotal evidence. I think it would help put things into perspective and ease anxiety for people to see the actual number of building permits or some real data.”

Sinclair said that could easily be done.

As to how and why municipal leaders are poised to scrap any new nonresidential development, Craig Benjamin, JH Alliance executive director, said he thinks the easiest and least costly way to put housing on the ground is to not increase nonresidential potential.

“I would say our community has spoken loud and clear over the past six months,” Benjamin said. “This idea implements the 2012 Comprehensive Plan as written and is in alignment with the visions of our community.”

Town officials are also struggling with how to handle nonconforming properties in town. A value-based methodology discourages some landowners from doing simple maintenance and minor upgrades. A few older properties, like the old Bubba’s site, lie fallow because its owners would be required to come into compliance — a costly proposition the way regulations are currently being proposed, according to Frank.

The biggest problem with town staffers’ handling of nonconformities is there is no one size fits all, said Jim Stanford.

Planner Paul Anthony agreed, saying, there are some situations where the town would like to see a historic building remain no matter how nonconforming it is, and other instances where the town would rather a building be razed for a newer, better one. PJH

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Rallying for Relief A Jacksonite carves a new life trajectory while helping refugees on the island of Lesvos.

BY ROBYN VINCENT @TheNomadicHeart

W

hile Donald Trump bumbles on with his anti-Muslim tirades, more Americans, shaken by the recent Paris terrorist attacks, are becoming increasingly xenophobic. A recent Bloomberg Politics poll found that 53 percent of Americans do not want to accept any Syrian refugees. Thirty governors have publicly opposed Syrian refugee resettlement in their states. Wyoming Governor Matt Mead is among them. This has not, however, assuaged an opposition group in Gillette that formed after the recent construction of a mosque. Some residents there say they fear it will somehow attract refugees to the small Wyoming town. Meanwhile, the mainstream media is compounding Americans’ refusal to accept refugees by disseminating narratives of “us versus them.”

That’s why differing narratives, which help peel away the unwarranted fear some folks are clinging to, hold special weight.

Jackson resident Sharif Zawaideh has positioned himself on the turbulent path used by Syrian refugees to escape war. Working with the nonprofit Salaam Cultural Museum for the last month, Zawaideh sometimes begins his day on the Greek island of Lesvos at 2 a.m.

Other times he works for 24 hours straight.

When a call comes in that a boat has been spotted, he and his crew, comprised of people of all stripes, coalesce and spring into action.

“Our team, which is just a little microcosm of this effort, is made up of Muslims, Christians, Jews and atheists. We have staunch Republicans and a member of Hillary’s staff working together,” Zawaideh noted. “Muslim refugees are hugging Jewish doctors when they reach shore here. Islamic, Israeli and Christian organizations, and non-religious, non-political groups have all come together

BASIL SAWALHA

SHARIF ZAWAIDEH

THE BUZZ 2

Left: Syrian refugees arrive to the Greek island of Lesvos from Turkey. Right: Sharif Zawaideh and other volunteers help a hypothermic boy to shore. for the same purpose. It gives me a little hope for what seems to be a polarizing world.”

As boats of refugees pour in from the Northern Aegean en route from Turkey, Zawaideh greets faces of desperation – men, women and children often suffering from hypothermia after braving the disorderly sea in small inflatable vessels. He has seen the anguish of mothers estranged from their young children after boats have capsized. And he has witnessed the shift from fear to hope when he pulls shivering, crying children to shore. But after receiving a warm blanket and the promise of safety, demeanors shift completely.

“I had one boy shouting ‘La, la, la,’ when I tried to take him off the boat (‘no’ in Arabic).

He started trying to choke me,” Zawaideh recalled. “He was maybe 5 or 6, probably younger. I had to fight with him to get him off the boat safely, but by the time we had gotten him out of his lifejacket, dry and changed, he was so playful.”

Following another rescue, Zawaideh remembered a little girl who wouldn’t get on the International Rescue Committee bus to the refugee camp until she had hugged every single female aid worker on the beach. “It brought a few of them to tears,” Zawaideh said.

Landing on the shores of Lesvos is just a portion of a long journey for many families, however. Their trajectories trace paths to Western Europe from Greece to Macedonia, Serbia, Croatia, Slovenia and finally Austria.

A laminated sign that begins “Dear Refugee,” tacked along the shores of Lesvos’ beaches warns that travel through Bulgaria can be very dangerous. And if you are caught in Hungary illegally, the sign cautions, you may be imprisoned for up to five years.

Slated to spend about three weeks volunteering with SCM, Zawaideh found himself in the midst of a calamitous situation that garnered global headlines this past week.

On Wednesday, after receiving word that a wooden boat was wrestling particularly bad weather at sea, aid workers went to Eftalou Beach to investigate.

“I spotted the boat with binoculars and they looked to be having difficulties,” Zawaideh said. Moments later the boat split in two and sank. “More than 80 people were bobbing about in the water and you could see the specks of orange drifting and spreading out across the sea.” Rescue boats quickly arrived to the scene, plucking people from

the frigid sea and bringing them to shore.

“The first boat came in full of hypothermic children,” Zawaideh said. “Cold, blue motionless faces, screaming, crying. Everyone was soaked and desperate … One infant was in cardiac arrest.”

Although some children perished that day, drowning in the water after the boat split, aid workers were able to save everyone who made it onto rescue boats despite many that were teetering on the brink of death.

That day others took note of Zawaideh’s calm, composed direction as he acted as emergency response coordinator until the head medical coordinator arrived. After the incident Zawaideh was asked to stay and head SCM’s mission for the next month. And it has him thinking about how he can help after that.

“I’ve always been able to remain calm in super stressful situations,” he said. “It’s funny – I get stressed out by what to order or about being punctual, but when things are intense and really matter I’ve always been able to focus, assess, prioritize and make effective decisions.”

A Jordanian American who has lived in Jackson on and off for the last 15 years, Zawaideh cut his teeth on disaster management of a different kind. He has headed logistics and site management for about 10 years, developing the operations plans for various music festivals and large scale outdoor events through his business Global Operations and Logistics. But a void in his work, once a softwhisper, was growing louder.

“Over the past few years, I have become a little jaded on the party scene that often accompanies these events and decided that I wanted to try to utilize my skills for something more helpful,” Zawaideh explained. “I’ve interviewed with various international NGOs over the years and tried to shift my businesses focus from event production to disaster management but hadn’t had much luck.”

Although he says he is slightly overwhelmed at the moment by his new set of swelling responsibilities, Zawaideh knows it’s the right thing for him to do now. “Wasting your talents because you don’t know what they are is one thing, but genuinely knowing what you should be doing with your life, but being either too lazy or too hedonistic to not pursue them (which I have been for quite some time) is not the path to a truly fulfilling life.” PJH

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PR

Please support keeping abortion safe and legal.

Choice Take away a woman’s right to choose and she’s left to take matters into her own hands.

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Are We Safe?

NEWS

By CHUCK SHEPHERD

OF THE

As if 2015 weren’t bad enough for the Department of Homeland Security (e.g., in June, internal DHS tests revealed that its Transportation Security Administration failed to stop 67 of 70 guns passing through airport screeners), a US congressman revealed in December that, based on a congressional staff investigation, 72 DHS employees currently appear on the FBI’s terrorist watch list. He admitted to Boston Public Radio that DHS’s record makes him squeamish about our ability to vet Syrian refugees. (Being on the FBI list is not a prohibited category for buying guns, either, and in fact, the Government Accountability Office reported that 91 percent of listees’ attempts to purchase guns in the last 10 years succeeded.)

n It was Nick Silvestri, 19, of Seaford, Long Island, who, seated in the orchestra section of the Broadway comedy “Hand to God” on July 2, left his seat to plug his iPhone into an “electrical outlet” on the stage set. Actors, patrons and management went nuts, but Silvestri ultimately was allowed to stay, and the show resumed. The set designer Beowulf Boritt said later he was proud that he had created a stage set so realistic that the electrical outlet (which of course was attached to nothing) looked so authentic.

WEIRD

The Continuing Crisis

The vice president of human resources at the Washington Post issued a formal memo in December to reassure female employees in its sleek new office building that people in the seventh floor’s central “hub” could definitely not see up their skirts as they walked on the indoor eighth-floor balcony overhang, even through the clear glass barriers. The memo cited HR’s “multiple” futile attempts, from many viewing angles, to see no-no’s and thus concluded that the ladies are safe. Nonetheless, the memo encouraged all employees, when in the seventh floor “hub,” not to look up.

Leading Economic Indicators

Dr. Raymond Schinazi was a federal government employee when he led the team that discovered sofosbuvir, which completely cures hepatitis C patients with an 84-pill regimen, but, as he recently told CBS News, he only worked for the government “7/8th’s” of the time— and, conveniently, it was during the other 1/8th that he found sofosbuvir. He admits now that he made $400 million selling his sofosbuvir company in 2012 to Gilead Sciences, which famously set sofosbuvir’s price for 84 pills to $84,000. Now, the Department of Veterans Affairs, with 233,000 war vets with hep-C, tells Congress that it needs much more money, even though Gilead has “cut” the VA’s price in half (to $42,000 per treatment, or $9.66 billion). (In a 2013 medical journal, Dr. Schinazi revealed that sofosbuvir could be manufactured for about $17 a pill, or $1,400 for an entire treatment.) n Famously, of course, no central characters from big banks went to jail for crashing the economy and causing thousands to lose their homes and jobs, but the US Justice Department and Securities and Exchange Commission seem rather proud that at least they pressured several banks to pay the government billions of dollars in civil-case settlements. However, the activist group US PIRG revealed in December that of the 10 largest such federal settlements, where banks and corporations paid a total of $80 billion, more than half was characterized as tax-deductible. (In addition, of course, all of the $80 billion was ultimately paid by the banks’ and corporations’ stockholders rather than by wrongdoing employees.)

Questionable Judgments

“It may be the most confusing traffic light you’ve ever seen,” wrote The Boston Globe in December, describing a pedestrian crossing in Cambridge, Mass. If the three clusters of three lights each are dark, drivers proceed.

If a pedestrian comes along, one light will blink yellow, then solid yellow, then two solid yellows, then two reds, until two flashing red lights in each cluster appear—and in Cambridge (and only Cambridge!), flashing red lights mean … go (unless pedestrians are actually present). The city has prepared a 12-diagram pamphlet to explain the whole thing, and officials say they have statistical proof from tests that the system enhances safety.

Cliche Come to Life

The Angelina County Sheriff’s Office (Lufkin, Texas) reported responding to a 911 call about shots fired at a home on Nov. 8, but made no arrest. The male resident was sitting in his pickup, admittedly drunk, and having listened to a “sad song” on his favorite station, he of course pulled his .22-caliber pistol and shot the radio.

According to the report, “Suspect’s wife took possession of the handgun and suspect.”

Ironies

Sweet: 1. As deputy leader of Scotland’s South Lanarkshire Council, Jackie Burns was instrumental in the budgetary closing of all 24 public toilets in the area. In November, Burns was fined (the equivalent of about $60) after he, out on the town, could hold it in no longer and urinated in the street. 2. Hector Segura, 29, in town for a Washington, D.C., conference on drug policy reform (with most attendees certain that the “war on drugs” has failed) was found by police naked in a flower bed in a neighborhood near his hotel in Arlington, Va., with (according to police) “bath salts” the culprit. It required two Taser shots to subdue him as he pounded on a squad car.

Bright Ideas

China’s love of beef, plus a regulation requiring that live animals imported for food be slaughtered within 55 miles of entry port, has created big business for the Australian cattle exporter Elders, which uses double-deck Boeing 747s whose only main-deck passengers “moo” instead of complain about leg room. (Business-class humans still travel upstairs.) Without the flights, the 55-mile rule could be met only by coastal Chinese cities, thus ignoring inland gourmets demanding fresh meat. Unlike the well-fed upper-deck passengers, the cattle get minimal food—for obvious reasons.

Least Competent Criminals

Not Ready for Prime Time: 1. Kenneth Rogers, 45, was arrested in November and charged with breaking into a home in Cape San Blas, located in the Florida panhandle.

A burglar alarm notified police, who found Rogers still in the house because he had accidentally locked himself in a room. 2. In Gloucester, England, Jamie Sharp, 25, stole a Porsche and was in the process of telephoning friends to brag when he crashed, pinning himself inside until rescuers (and police) arrived. In December, he was sentenced to four years in prison.

The Foreign Press

Villagers in Betul, India (in Madhya Pradesh state), celebrate on the day following Diwali—the huge “festival of lights”—a good-luck practice of dipping their children into a pool of cow dung, which they view as so “pure” that it will help bring them a life free of ailments. (The cow, of course, is viewed as sacred by India’s Hindus, and its dung and urine have long been thought to have medicinal qualities.) The latest series of videos depicting the ritual appeared on India Today in December.

Thanks This Week to Charles Zipperlen and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

A

s a food, wine and travel writer based in Salt Lake City, I’m never more than a half hour or so (with dry roads) from a choice of seven different top-notch resorts, plus the ski town of Park City. So I hadn’t thought much about visiting Jackson Hole, until I was made an offer I couldn’t refuse: an expense paid trip with the sole purpose of eating and drinking my way for a week (split between two visits) through some of Jackson’s premier restaurants and watering holes. Sometimes, my job doesn’t suck.

Keep in mind, however, that I am a trained professional. I wouldn’t recommend hitting 11 restaurants in a 48-hour period, as I did at one point during my mission, unless you are truly gluttonous or a competitive eater like Joey Chestnut, which I’m not. In other words, don’t try this at home… lest you don’t mind an extra 10 pounds resulting from your culinary conquest. That said, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

So, with the resolve of a Jedi warrior, I essentially dropped in blind armed with a list of restaurants and bars suggested to me by a team of Jackson

Hole locals and foodies, knowing virtually nothing of the valley beyond spine-tingling tales of Corbet’s Couloir. It must be noted, I didn’t make it to every eatery I’d have liked to – that would take another month or more – but I visited enough restaurants and watering holes to get a pretty good picture of the Jackson dining and drink scene. And I have to admit, I came away very impressed. There is an abundance of excellent food, libations and skilled service professionals packed into this relatively small town.

THE KITCHEN: FRIED OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

BY TED SCHEFFLER

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 11

After digging into Jackson Hole’s culinary milieu, a visiting food critic will never be the same.

BIN22: GULF SHRIMP

CARRIE PATTERSON

BIN22: WINE BLISS CARRIE PATTERSON

A scenic four-hour drive from Utah to Jackson made my wife, Faith, and me wonder: Why hadn’t we done this before? Sitting on the sun-drenched deck (in September) at Café Genevieve (135 E. Broadway, 732-1910, GenevieveJH.com), with its rustic cabin-like exterior, I had my first revelation: We’re not in Utah anymore. Virtually every table during Sunday brunch was filled with wine glasses, mimosas, barrel-aged cocktails, brews and other libations that you rarely see midday in SLC. You also won’t see dogs in Utah restaurants – a decidedly pet-unfriendly restaurant culture – but on Genevieve’s deck, dogs are de rigueur. While I pigged out on decadent Cajun eggs Benedict with housemade boudin sausage, the missus enjoyed a great grilled cheese sandwich, elevated from the norm with the addition of basil, Vermont white cheddar, avocado and beefsteak tomatoes.

Alongside was a cup of the best-tasting tomato soup we’d ever had.

For a mid-afternoon nosh we dropped into Bin 22 (200 W. Broadway, 739-WINE) – a place I wish they’d clone in Salt Lake City. The combination tapas restaurant and wine/liquor store — buy a bottle of hard to find wine in the store and grab a table to enjoy it — turned out to be one of my favorite Jackson joints. As chefs busily prepared dishes in the open kitchen, we enjoyed friendly conversation at the bar with a terrific barkeep named Maggie who kept our wine glasses full while we nibbled on a cheese plate (loved the crumbly Shelburne Farms cheddar). Be sure to order the house-pulled fresh mozzarella when you visit.

I was struck by the combination of cozy and contemporary at The Kitchen (155 N. Glenwood, 734-1633, TheKitchenJacksonHole.com), with its bamboo bar and tables, eco-panel wave of light and the arched wooden wall on the dining side of the restaurant. Equally impressive is the food, which I’d rate right up with meals I’ve had at renowned Nobu restaurants. A Japanese-Irish chef who grew up in Mexico, Santiago Kano’s innovative, travel-based cuisine (he’ll tell you at least two countries are in every dish) included some of our favorites. We loved the tuna tartare kissed with truffled ponzu, and especially the wildly popular (so we were told by fellow diners) luxury shrimp — a serving of what had to have been at least 50 tempura shrimp poppers with sweet and spicy aioli.

I look forward to returning to sample The Kitchen’s exciting new winter menu, which includes Kano’s piquant fried oysters Rockefeller (France, Morocco and the U.S.). The chromatic dish happens to be featured on the cover of this issue.

Nearly dizzy from our first day of food excess, we did manage to scarf down a handful of gorgeous artisan chocolates — literally works of art — from Coco Love at Atelier Ortega (150 Scott Lane, 7346400, AtelierOrtega.Squarespace.com) in enticing flavors like wasabi white chocolate, raspberry, passion fruit and chipotle chile. These aren’t your granddaddy’s Hershey bars!

COCO LOVE: ARTISAN DECADENCE

COURTESY PHOTO: COCO LOVE

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

12 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

DAY 1

We’re not in Kansas anymore

DAY 2

International delights done right

the boutiques and cowboy shops in downtown Jackson, we made our way to Snake River Grill (84 E. Broadway, 733-0557, SnakeRiverGrill.com) for dinner. Although the place was packed, and tables are close and cozy, our window seat was divine and surprisingly quiet. Sharing an exquisite dish of sweet corn agnolotti, our server Lucas — one of the best servers I’ve ever encountered — suggested a glass of Moscatel alongside, a perfect match. A dish of wood oven-roasted organic chicken with späetzle in natural jus was outstanding, and my wife loved her Korean hot pot brimming with veggies and ramen noodles. I now understand why Snake River Grill is such a favorite among locals and tourists alike.

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 13

W. Highway 22, Wilson, 200-6633, StreetfoodJH. com). The eclectic menu and friendly service from owner Marcos Hernandez made lunch on the patio truly memorable. I hadn’t planned to find the perfect Cuban sandwich in Wilson, Wyoming, of all places, but Streetfood’s Cuban is the real deal. Ditto my wife’s excellent fish tacos. And, the French fries were also fantastic — the dog begging at our table agreed.

Sadly, we never had time to eat dinner at Trio (45 S. Glenwood, 734-8038), but we will make sure to upon our next visit. We did, however, make time to stop in for a Blood Orange Margarita and a marvelous bowl of steamed Prince Edward Island mussels with grilled bread to soak up the savory broth.

After burning a few calories visiting some of

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

Well rested from a night at the Virginian Lodge, we made our way to the Four Seasons in Teton Village for breakfast at Westbank Grill (7680 Granite Loop Rd, 732-5000, FourSeasons.com). Deciding to forego the breakfast buffet, I ordered huevos rancheros, expecting them to be routine. However, they were anything but; indeed I’ve never had better huevos, with slow-roasted pulled pork, green chiles, cojita cheese, perfectly cooked eggs, ranchero sauce and more. My wife was equally pleased with her healthful Irish Steel cut oatmeal and dried berry compote.

A hike to Jenny Lake in Grand Teton National Park had us famished for lunch, so we descended upon one of my favorite eating spots during the entire trip: Streetfood @ The Stagecoach (5755

ROBYN VINCENT

WESTBANK GRILL: HUEVOS RANCHEROS

DAY 3

We need more time!

There’s a lot to like about Persephone Bakery (145 E. Broadway, 200-6708, PersephoneBakery.com), but one of my favorite details there is the old-fashioned typewriter that sits next to the water closet, inviting people in-wait to type messages and tack them up on the bulletin board above it.

While Faith chose a healthy muffin and granola for breakfast, I found the croque madame on levain toast calling my name.

It gave me the sustenance and energy I’d need for a tour of the National Museum of Wildlife Art, where we spent much of the morning in awe.

With just enough time for lunch before heading back to

Utah, we met a Jackson foodie friend, Michael Krulin, on the patio at Hatch Taqueria & Tequilas (120 W. Broadway, 203-2780, HatchJH.com). Timing is everything, as they say, and I wish my timing had been better. Because had I not been faced with a four-hour drive back home, I’d have loved to sip my way through some of Hatch’s remarkable selection of tequilas, mescals, brews and cocktails. But, I settled for a bottle of Mexican Coke and tender, slow-roasted carnitas tacos instead. The highlight of our lunch, however, was a sizzling iron pan of bison sausage a la plancha with poblano chiles and salsa verde. Ole!

PACO ELENES

HATCH TAQUERIA: BISON SAUSAGE A LA PLANCHA LINDLEY RUST

14 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

PERSEPHONE BAKERY: GRANOLA

COURTESY PHOTO: SPUR RESTAURANT AND BAR

DAY 4

Mountain comforts

During our second Jackson Hole excursion, we got an early taste of what winter here is like: cold. Eleven degrees at 10 a.m.? Brrr. However, a gargantuan sausage egg bagel — the biggest I’ve ever sunk my teeth into — at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort’s Café 6311 (Bridger Center, 733-2292l, JacksonHoleWY.com) provided the carbs I’d need for my first day of Jackson Hole skiing.

Although not all of the mountain and runs were open, I can see now why JHMR is considered one of the world’s best.

Warming up at the Mangy Moose (3200 W. McCollister Dr, 733-4913, MangyMoose.com) for lunch after shopping for Jackson Hole 50th anniversary gear, I immediately understood why the place is so iconic. In a world where restaurateurs think nothing of spending millions on décor and ambiance, the natural, funky feel and look of the Moose is entirely refreshing. But what really surprised me was the quality of the food in the bar.

We tend to be taco fiends and the machaca and mahimahi tacos were superb, particularly washed down with a Pako’s IPA from Snake River Brewing Company.

SUPER SALSA I’ve eaten salsa all over the U.S. and in many of

easy to make as you might think. French fry aficionados know that the secret to a fabulous fry is in double cooking it. The fries are fried first at a relatively low temperature, and then finished around 375 degrees. I’ve tasted French fries from Paris to Brussels and from Rio to San Francisco, but I’ve yet to encounter a better French fry than Chef Kevin Humphreys’ paprika-dusted pommes frites at The Spur. They’re fab.

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DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 15

Joined by Jackson Hole Mountain Resort’s Amy Jimmerson, we cozied up next to the fire pit at Teton Village’s Handle Bar (Four Seasons, 732-5000, FourSeasons.com) for a surprisingly economical après ski. Still stuffed from lunch, however, we eschewed eating but I’ll certainly return for their elk and red bean chili.

We happened to be staying at Teton Mountain Lodge this trip, and so it was a convenient walk downstairs — after enjoying the rooftop hot tub — to The Spur Restaurant and Bar (3385 Cody Lane, 732-6932, TetonLodge.com/spur) for dinner. To be honest, I was at first a bit concerned about the noise from the busy bar area. However, seated at a table in the rear of the rustic dining room, you could hear a fork drop (which I did). By the time we’d finished dinner, I’d come to the conclusion that The Spur was my favorite Jackson Hole restaurant. For starters, it’s much more economical than most of the higher-end eateries in which we dined.

An absolutely stunning herb-roasted half chicken with sweet potato gnocchi, spinach, crisp speck pieces, shiitake mushrooms and goat cheese was a mere $24.

And the chile and citrus gravlox are simply to die for.

The house wine is cheap, but of very high quality, and the regular wine list is excellent. I am now a fan of The Spur’s Executive Chef Kevin Humphreys, who — perhaps not surprisingly — was named Best Chef for seven consecutive years in The Planet’s Best Of Reader’s Poll.

INSIDE THE SPUR

COURTESY PHOTO: SPUR RESTAURANT AND BAR

FRENCH FRY SHANGRI-LA A truly great French fry is a wonderful thing, but not as

Mexico’s states, but I have to say that I’ve never tasted salsa that I liked better than the Mangy Moose’s. Who knew? Fresh-cooked tortilla chips (somehow made without being greasy) come with a tangy red salsa (smooth, not chunky) with just the right amount of cumin and chile de árbol spices. It’s superb salsa.

IL VILLAGGIO OSTERIA: FUSILLI If there’s a classic, old-school diner-style spot for old-fashioned home cooking in Jackson, it’s gotta be The Bunnery (130 N. Cache, 733-5474, Bunnery.com). The log cabin that was once a blacksmith shop serves breakfast, brunch and lunch anytime, so no matter the time of day you can always stop in for their famous cinnamon rolls, a full breakfast or perhaps a slice of very berry pie.

And while we’re on the topic of baked goods, E.Leaven Food Company (175 Center St, 733-5600, Eleavenfood.com) is a terrific spot for flaky croissants, can’t-miss muffins, artisan breads, bagels and more. I enjoyed the best cheesesteak for lunch I’ve had outside of Philadelphia — what a surprise! My wife equally devoured her roasted veggie sandwich on multigrain bread with zucchini, bell peppers, mushrooms, red onion, tomatoes, provolone and yummy salsa mayo.

With a new executive chef — Serge Smith — and a new winter

menu focused on its specialty, rustic Italian fare, Il Villaggio Osteria (3335 W. Village Dr, 739-4100, JHOsteria.com) is the perfect spot for a cozy lunch or fantastic dinner in Teton Village. Take a ski break and enjoy a quick plate of antipasti such as tuna tartare, meatballs with house-pulled mozzarella or venison carpaccio — its silky meat juxtaposed by crunchy granola. Or, you can go whole hog with dishes like truffle-infused pappardelle with mushrooms, pork cheek with braised cabbage, or perhaps something simple but sensational such as the classic pizza margherita, fresh and gooey from the eatery’s woodfire oven. Pair any of these dishes with wine from Osteria’s extensive and thoughtful vino list, or saddle up to the bar and enjoy a creative libation at the hands of the cordial Sam Miller. Next time I visit JH, one of my first stops will include a visit to one of Osteria’s renowned sister eateries, Rendezvous Bistro.

ROBYN VINCENT

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16 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

DAY 5

Praise be to Italy

I’ve eaten in restaurants all over the globe, of every style and stripe, and yet Lotus Café (145 N. Glenwood, 734-0882, TetonLotusCafe.com) is one of the most unique I’ve found. It’s not too often that you can have your organic meat and raw, living, unprocessed plant foods under one roof. So I only felt a slight tinge of guilt ordering the grass-fed, all-natural, bison burger on brioche bread while Faith opted for the Lotus veggie burger, made with quinoa, brown rice, gold flax, sunflower seed, carrot, legumes, basil, parsley and thyme. Both burgers came with awesome roasted garlic aioli. Whether you’re a carnivore, macrobiotic, glutenfree, vegan, dairy-free, or you name it, Lotus Café has something to satisfy.

BODACIOUS BLOODIES In addition to their very extensive menu, Lotus Café also offers a terrific selection of wines, cocktails, beers, organic smoothies, fresh extracted juices and more. But the big surprise for me was their Bloody Mary, which they call “Fresh Mary.” And boy oh boy, is it fresh.

This isn’t Mr. T Bloody Mary mix. The Lotus mixologists make their Fresh Mary juiced on the spot with tomatoes, carrot, celery, lemon, parsley, ginger, spices, Burn Baby Burn hot sauce, GF Wizard’s Worcestershire sauce and peppercorn-infused Grand Teton Potato Vodka. It’s a Bloody Mary marvel.

ROBYN VINCENT

TETON THAI: CASHEW STIR FRY

but I’m not used to ordering dumplings in Thai restaurants.

Well, if most are as delicious as Teton Thai’s steamed/fried dumplings, I’ll order them every time. This was an order of five hefty, beggar’s purse-style dumplings stuffed to the brim with a hearty and heavenly mixture of minced pork, shrimp, chicken and shiitake mushrooms, served with sweet and sour sauce. Those dumplings are dope!

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 17

DOPE DUMPLINGS I’m a sucker for Chinese potstickers and Japanese gyoza,

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

A number of locals recommended Teton Thai (7342 Granite Loop, 733-0022, TetonThaiVillage.com) to us during our Jackson Hole visit. Thai food in Teton Village?

I was skeptical. But even on a Monday night, Sam and Suchada Johnson’s intimate joint was packed, mostly with young folks still in their skiing/boarding gear. I seemed to be the only patron not wearing a beanie or ski hat of some sort.

Teton Thai definitely attracts a local crowd. Well, thanks to our terrific server, Calee, we felt like locals ourselves in no time at all. If you’re looking for a quiet dining scene for a romantic meal, this isn’t it. But for a vibrant, bustling atmosphere and authentic Thai cuisine (thanks to the Thai ladies cooking in the kitchen), you’d be hard-pressed to do better than Teton Thai. And it’s inexpensive to boot. I’m not used to seeing duck, which I love, on Thai menus, so I quickly decided on Teton Thai’s roasted duck curry. I’m glad I did. Tender, moist, boneless pieces of duck breast were bathed in a coconut milk red curry with tomatoes and basil, plus pineapple to sweetly offset some of the curry’s heat. Faith ordered the cashew nut stir-fry with celery, peppers, onions, mushrooms and chili paste and was equally satisfied. Portions are huge, so plan on having leftovers for lunch the next day.

COURTESY PHOTO: LOTUS CAFE

DAY 6

Uniquely healthy and genuine spice

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18 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

DAY 7

Dreaming about Jackson Hole

I had to say, I wasn’t looking forward to leaving Jackson Hole. In less than a week, I’d come to love it more than the over-commercialized town of Park City, which I used to call home. But, we still had a couple meals left to enjoy in Jackson.

Remembering how much I adored our dinner at The Spur, we decided to try breakfast there, just to make sure the whole thing wasn’t an illusion. It wasn’t.

Throwing caution (and calories) to the wind, I ordered the most decadent breakfast I’ve had in years. It was four pieces of banana bread French toast, drizzled with Nutella, sprinkled with powdered sugar and served with strawberry compote and fresh fruit. My teeth hurt just thinking about it, but it was absolutely delicious.

With only one meal left before our drive back to Salt Lake City, we decided on lunch at Noodle Kitchen (945 W. Broadway, 734-1997, NoodleKitchenJH. com). There’s a long bar/counter area that’s perfect for solo diners, as well as booths and tables for larger parties. The key to Noodle Kitchen is customization.

It’s a place where you can “have it your way.” There’s a regular menu with an assortment of Asian-inspired dishes, but most customers seem to choose the “Build Your Own Bowl” option. It’s a checklist where you choose from starches such as ramen, glass, rice or udon noodles or jasmine rice. Next, there’s a choice of broth (dan-dan, bone broth, roasted peanut, miso, yakitori, etc.). Vegetables are then chosen and, finally, a protein: chicken, tofu, shrimp, beef, or pork belly. Faith opted for the jasmine rice bowl with lots of veggies and roasted peanut sauce, which was delectable, but I liked my ramen with pork belly and bone broth even better. Like so many restaurants in Jackson Hole — even smallish ones like this and Teton Thai — I was impressed by the wine selection.

COURTESY PHOTO: NOODLE KITCHEN

NOODLE KITCHEN: BUILD A BOWL RAMEN

FABTaking FONDUE a break from skiing, we were walking past

The Alpenhof Lodge (3255 W. Village Dr, 733-3242, AlpenhofLodge.com) when a fellow said, “Hey, c’mon in for some fondue.” It turns out that in the upstairs bar at the Alpenhof they serve chips and salsa along with cheesy fondue with bread morsels. And here’s the kicker: it’s free.

Now that’s what I call happy hour. The free fondue was fabulous, by the way.

TED SCHEFFLER And so, now I’m back home in Utah and find myself eagerly anticipating another Jackson Hole excursion. Now I get it. Park City gets a lot of accolades for its impressive dining scene and rightly so.

But, pound for pound, I’d put my money on Jackson Hole. For a place the size and population of Jackson, it is teeming with truly excellent restaurants, and I barely put a dent in them.

The other reason I’m compelled to return to Jackson is the unparalleled service. There

wasn’t a single restaurant or bar that we visited where the service wasn’t incredibly friendly, but also professional. That’s especially impressive in a seasonal town like Jackson Hole where yearround help is hard to find. I can’t list everyone’s names, but servers such as Amber at Genevieve, Caitie from The Kitchen, Westbank Grill’s Kelly, The Spur’s Marielle, Micha from Mangy Moose, Allison at Lotus Café, and Josh at Trio — these and many more top-notch pros made our Jackson Hole visits truly memorable. In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I’ll be back.” PJH

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DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 19

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

20 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

GAME TIME Hunter-Gatherer Mavens More and more females are getting into the game.

BY JAKE NICHOLS

JAKE NICHOLS

T

heir stalking has nothing to do with broccoli. And it’s not so much salad dressing as field dressing that offers an afternoon’s greatest challenge. In fact, you’re more likely to find women like Lynn Sherwood, Gloria Courser and Christy Marsteller decked in blaze orange than sipping orange mimosas on the back deck.

Ladies are just killin’ it these days.

The proportion of women who hunt has risen 25 percent since 2006, according to data from the Census Bureau. An estimated 11 percent of the nation’s 13.7 million hunters who hit the woods last year did so without a Y chromosome.

It’s about self-reliance and independence for a majority of huntresses. A woman’s place may still be in the kitchen, but not until she’s packed out 600 pounds of elk meat from the forest to put on the table.

“For me, it’s about knowing that I’m a part of human history,” Sherwood said. “Regardless of the economic situation or whether I need to, I know I can provide for my family in a more primitive, hunter-gatherer kind of way.”

Courser started hunting for the enjoyment but quickly learned it could provide an alternative to processed food laced with hormones and antibiotics.

“There is this study out now about the meat of an animal and the flavor being tainted by its life,” Courser said. “Just like we are affected by our own stress and anxiety, causing cancers and other health problems in our bodies, the meat of an animal carries its own stress and anxiety. With factory-grown beef you don’t know what you are getting, and you are injecting that animal’s life into your body. When I harvest big game my thoughts and prayers are for the animal. ‘I hope you had a wonderful life,’ I say. ‘I hope you had a chance to procreate and enjoy this amazing land.’ That comes back full circle and brings me joy.”

Ensuring an animal dies quickly is not only the humane thing for a hunter to do. Sherwood, a shooting instructor by day who has fired countless rounds at range targets, remembers her first hunt and the intense training that went into it.

“I have taken a shot from a mile away and hit my target.

I’ve taken thousands of shots, but I still wanted to hone in, find my sweet spot, so I could make an ethical kill. It’s an immense responsibility,” Sherwood said.

Courser, too, remembers her first few hunts where it was all about getting out there and learning how to live off the land. “I didn’t start hunting for the food or to be organic or that. It was about developing a new skill set. I wanted to learn how to do everything … for myself,” Courser said. “Then I wounded a few animals at first and followed a blood trail until I couldn’t find them. That’s when the weight of it hit me. What my hasty shot meant. What came afterword was experiencing the beauty and connection to what I learned was God.” For all three ladies, harvesting big game turned into a passion for preparing and eating food that never passed by a supermarket checkout scanner.

“For me, the food came first,” Marsteller said. Her husband Steve says she’s a phenomenal cook. “I love food — healthy food. I love the challenge of cooking food in a way that people would like it. I always thought hunting was just a guy thing.

Christy Marsteller, Lynn Sherwood and Gloria Courser aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty in the kitchen and in the woods.

You know, a redneck sport filled with testosterone.”

Marsteller now joins her husband at hunting camp, but it’s in the kitchen where she really shines. “We’ve had people over for dinner who scarfed down three or four helpings before they ask what it is they’re eating,” Steve said. “When Christy tells them it’s antelope heart they push the plate away.”

Marsteller hated antelope the first time she had it. She enjoys meat dishes that don’t taste “gamey.” She says it’s all about a careful, intentional effort that begins before the pull of a trigger. Taking the right shot — at animals that haven’t been running with fear and filled with adrenaline, for instance — and safeguarding the quick quartering and dressing out of an animal are all important steps in making sure quality beef goes into the freezer.

After that, Marsteller says, don’t rush the thawing process.

She thaws slowly and never cooks the meat until it’s at room temperature.

And the notion of the full circle, connection to the earth enrichment hunting brings to the dining room doesn’t stop at a forest-to-fork process. Courser, for one, takes pleasure in gardening and growing her own fruits, vegetables and spices.

“When I think of a beet I’ve canned, for instance, it’s not so much about the actual taste of the beet but the memories that went into getting it to the table,” Courser said. “That first sunny day in April when I’m teased into thinking it’s time to plant but it was only a sucker hole. What row I planted it in. All these snapshots of memories that I don’t have from a grocery store.”

Marsteller gets eggs from her own chickens. “It’s empowering, and it’s a feeling of self-sufficiency to be part of my food,” she says. “Knowing that we can do it, we can take care of ourselves.” PJH

Goose Poppers by Lynn Sherwood Because Everybody Wants a Little Christmas Goose Ingredients (eye it) Anaheim peppers Cream cheese Canada goose Bacon Garlic salt

Directions Clean and cut Anaheim peppers to approximately 2 inces. Fill with 1 tsp cream cheese and add a slice of Canada Goose. Wrap in half of a slice of bacon and salt with garlic.

Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes; broil to brown and voila, low carb and fabulous.

Antelope or elk work well in this recipe, too.

Antelope Heart Carpaccio by Christy Marsteller Ingredients Clean-clean antelope heart (clean-clean: a clean harvest and clean processing) 1 egg yolk (preferably farm fresh) 1 tsp dried mustard 1/4 tsp salt 1/4 white pepper powder Approximately 3/4 cup high quality olive oil 1 Tbsp white wine vinegar 1 1/2 Tbsp lemon juice 3-5 Tbsp milk 1 tsp Worcestershire

Directions Whisk the egg yolk, dried mustard, salt and white pepper. Then slowly mix in the olive oil while whisking continuously. After the olive oil is incorporated, continue mixing in the rest of the liquid ingredients. Adjust seasoning and acidity level (i.e. more lemon juice) to desired taste. Set sauce in refrigerator while preparing antelope.

Cut the antelope heart into small pieces and then flatten between two layers of plastic wrap, using a meat mallet or small heavy cast iron skillet. Lay out each piece on a plate, trying not to overlap the pieces much.

When antelope pieces are flattened and ready, use a basting brush to cover the meat with a thin layer of prepared sauce.

Then top the whole dish with a decorative light garnish of a little arugula, capers, shaved Parmesan and fresh parsley.

Note: I let the clean, sliced antelope heart age in the refrigerator for approximately eight to 10 days followed by at least two weeks in the freezer before preparing this dish.

THIS WEEK: December 23-29, 2015

Compiled by Caroline Zieleniewski

Wednesday: Holiday Sweater Party at Snake River Brewing, 5pm Enjoy delicious Holiday brews and discounted pints all day if you are wearing a festive, funky holiday outfit.

WEDNESDAY DEC. 23

n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Salsa at Dancers’ Workshop 7:00pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Art Opening: Home By Emory Cooper 7:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500 n Oneness Deeksha Meditation 7:30pm, Akasha Yoga, $5.00, 307-413-3965 n Tavern Trivia w/ Crazy Tom 8:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886 n Vinyl Night 9:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500 n Brad O’Brien 10:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886

THURSDAY DEC. 24

n Kettlebells 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, Free, 307-733-6398 n Yoga 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 21

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 23

n Lap Sit 11:00am, Valley of the Tetons Library, Free, 208-787-2201 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Total Fitness 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Raptor Encounters 2:00pm, Teton Raptor Center, $10.00 - $12.00, 307-203-2551 n Grand Teton Distillery Tasting 3:00pm, The Liquor Store, Free, 307-733-4466 n Chess Club: Grades K to 12 3:30pm, Teton County Library Youth Auditorium, Free, 307733-2164 x118 n Apres with Maw Band 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Santa on the Square 5:00pm, Town Square, Free, 307-201-2309 n Holiday Sweater Party 5:00pm, Snake River Brewing, Free, 307-739-2337 n Cowboy Santa & Twas the Night Before Christmas Reading 5:00pm, Teton Mountain Lodge, Free n Evening Yoga 6:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

n Boot Camp 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Women’s Avalanche Awareness & Backcountry Freedom Clinic 8:00am, CWC-Jackson, $299.00, 307-733-7425 n Pilates Mat Classes at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-7399025 n Yoga 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Nativity Scene on the Town Square 9:00am, Town Square, Free n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 10:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-7399025 n Tech Tutor 10:00am, Teton County Library, Free, 733-2164 ext. 218 n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Fables, Feathers, and Fur 10:30am, National Museum of Wildlife Art, Free, 307-733-5771

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

22 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

MUSIC BOX

Funky Hoofers Rhythmic Circus’ tap dancers, brass band and beatboxer all take on the Center.

BY AARON DAVIS @ScreenDoorPorch

S

pirited tap dance and brass band funk are rarely mentioned in the same context. Add another curveball that is a human beatbox and you have Minneapolis’s Rhythmic Circus, performing “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now!” The act combines two entities that have been touring since 2008 — four rapid-fire tap dancers backed by the seven-piece band Root City that unleashes funk, hip-hop, salsa, Latin jazz and soul.

The dancers — Ricci Milan, Nick Bowman, Kaleena Miller and Galen Higgins — maintain a vibe that is more rock ’n’ roll than it is precision, constantly upping the ante in a friendly, competitive manner that often sends the foot tempos into human-challenging dimensions. Double timing — even triple timing— the feet beats to the floor over groove-based funk music is an interesting mash and so are their respective dance styles. Bowman and Miller prefer old-school tap dating back to the film musicals of the 1930s and ’40s, Milan is the

Left: Rhythmic Circus transforms the Center Theater into a funkshun on Monday. Right: Fox Street celebrates the life of Chad Kreft Saturday at the Tavern. percussive hip-hopper, and Higgins is a whirling puppet of physical abandon.

“It’s all genres of music, really a musical mash-up,” Bowman told South Bend Tribune recently. “People put us in the box of a dance show too often. It’s really a music concert.

It’s just as much about the music as it is about the dance.

But at the same time, we’re not afraid to throw in a flashy tap combo or do the moonwalk. It’s not all percussive all the time, and the dance form we take very seriously.”

What’s impressive is that 100 percent of the pieces performed are original and written for this particular show.

Seeds for composition come from each end of the spectrum, making for a brand new form of co-writing.

“Some started with a music idea and some started with a tap-dancing concept, and we built a song around that,” explained Bowman. “There was a variety of different ways we created the pieces. We focus on the music, but we’re not afraid to entertain.”

As for Aaron “Heatbox” Heaton, the human beatbox, he’ll add a clang, riff or refrain as an instrumental texture, but he’s also featured as a one-man phenom. Using a digital looping device, he builds a groove layered with sounds that you didn’t realize could be created with the human voice — a true on-the-spot composition built as a track-by-track foundation before breaking out into a solo over his own creation.

An extravaganza for the entire family, take advantage of this singular act that is breaking the mold.

Rhythmic Circus: Feet Don’t Fail Me Now!, 7 p.m., Monday at the Center Theater. $55-$71. JHCenterForTheArts.org, 733-4900.

A Night for Chad Kreft, KHOL 89.1

Denver-based, seven-piece band Fox Street will lead the charge in celebrating the life of KHOL deejay Chad Kreft, who passed away in his Jackson home last month. Kreft, a history buff from Colorado, hosted the show “A/B Side Story” and was an expert on funk music. All proceeds from the concert will benefit the community radio station KHOL. Fox Street (which recently dropped “Allstars” from its name) could be classified as post-jam band, though there’s more to the story when fusing honky-tonk with soul, blues and funk. Hands down, the band has grown into one of the most respected and hard-working acts out of the Front Range.

This is a band that brings the party, especially when you bring yours as well.

Fox Street plays A/B Side Story, 10:30 p.m., Saturday at Town Square Tavern. $10 in advance at Tavern Liquor Store or at the door. 733-3886. PJH

Aaron Davis is a songwriting troubadour, multi-instrumentalist, founding member of Screen Door Porch and Boondocks, and host of Songwriter’s Alley.

Friday: Papa Chan Holiday Classics & Jazz at the Silver Dollar Showroom, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY DEC. 25

n Boot Camp 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Toddler Gym 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-7399025 n bootybarre® at Dancers’ Workshop 9:00am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Yoga 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025

n Nativity Scene on the Town Square 9:00am, Town Square , Free n Ballet Workout at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 10:00am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 10:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-7399025 n Skiing with Santa!

10:00am, Jackson Hole Mountain Resort - Bridger Gondola & Teewinot Lift, 307-733-2292 n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Yoga 12:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Total Fitness 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Friday Night Meditation 6:00pm, Zendler Chiropractic, Free, 307-699-8300 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Soccer 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-0925

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 23

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 27

n Knit Nite 6:00pm, Knit on Pearl, Free, 307-733-5648 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Soccer 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-0925 n Christmas Eve Dance Party with Three Rivers Rock ‘n’ Country 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-733-2190 n Salsa Night 9:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500 n Karaoke 9:00pm, Virginian Saloon, Free, 307-739-9891 n Disco Night 10:00pm, Stagecoach Bar, Free, 307-733-4407 n BOGDOG 10:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

n Nativity Scene on the Town Square 9:00am, Town Square, Free n Intermediate/Advanced Ballet @ Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Tech Tutor 10:00am, Teton County Library, Free, 733-2164 ext. 218 n Crystal Sound Bowl Experience with Daniela Botur 12:00pm, Intencions, Free, 307-733-9290 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 12:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Tasting 4:00pm, The Liquor Store, Free, 307-733-4466 n Apres with Stack and the Attack 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Yoga 4:15pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Santa on the Square 5:00pm, Town Square, Free, 307-201-2309 n Acoustic Christmas Tunes 5:00pm, Teton Mountain Lodge Events, Free n Total Fitness 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025

HAPPY HOUR

1/2 Off Drinks Daily 5-7pm

•••••••••••

Monday-Saturday 11am, Sunday 10:30am 832 W. Broadway (inside Plaza Liquors)•733-7901

Eat, Ski, Repeat Tasty fuel to power your backcountry adventures.

BY ELIZABETH KOUTRELAKOS

OLLOW US ON FACEBOOK FOR THE LATEST PLANET HAPPENINGS! @

W

e live in a place that could not sustain its inhabitants without truckloads of food shipped in on a weekly basis. Some people here actually make decisions to burn those precious imported calories in the mountains during the frigid winter months. The sustenance I choose to propel myself throughout these activities can make or break my day. Therefore, to set myself up for success, my behavior patterns and food consumption vary depending on where my journey into the hills will take me.

Not only is food important, but good food helps enhance performance and mood in the mountains. Dehydration and lack of food intake on a powder day will usher in that tired feeling at an unwelcoming time. Thus, choice of food is essential for creating a day filled with active fun and happiness.

When going to Jackson Hole Mountain Resort, I am faced with multiple options for breakfast on the way. If I’m feeling caffeinated and innovative, I grab a $3.99 burrito at Lucky’s Market. These things are chalkfull of goodness. Warm tortillas wrapped around eggs and thick cuts of bacon tend to last through mornings of line mingling. If by chance I miss my burrito in town, Osteria Café (formerly Terra Café) has revamped its menu to offer multiple $8ish dollar breakfast options, including but not limited to burritos

ROBYN VINCENT

10:30am - 3:00pm Bottomless Mimosas & Bloody Marys $15

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

24 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

ELIZABETH KOUTRELAKOS

SATURDAY & SUNDAY BRUNCH

ELIZABETH KOUTRELAKOS

GET OUT

Left: Chance Burleson enjoys a snack break in the hills. Middle: Hearty salads to sustain care of Rendezvous Lodge. Right: Teton Thai ‘s toothsome duck curry will warm your bones. and sandwiches full of vegetables, bacon, eggs and even meatball subs! It’s a great place for a quick slice and a beer when your stomach starts rumbling come lunchtime, too.

Speaking of lunch, when you’re on the mountain can be difficult to find proper sustenance, especially if one is considering spatial availability. The Rendezvous Lodge, located upstairs at the top of the Gondola, offers myriad healthy snackings, including a salad bar, warm noodle bowls and baked potatoes. This place serves a variety of people, and the ease of finding gluten- and dairyfree yet filling ski foods makes this cafeteria style restaurant a must taste.

Après food at the village can range from full-fledged dinners to short ski snacks. For the optimal comfortable environment, I tend to lean toward the Spur’s bar for their giant platter of nachos topped with cheese, beans and salsa. Note, nachos are only available during après so if you get there too late or too early, you are out of luck.

For an actual meal, Teton Thai offers classic curry, noodle and rice dishes ranging from mild to blow your ears off spicy. Wash down your meal with their legendary spicy marg or a Thai iced tea. Yes, there’s a reason this place has stayed in business for so long besides its convenient Teton Village location.

Finding food for a backcountry tour can be a bit more difficult during the wee hours of the morning, but Creekside Market never fails. Open at 6 a.m. daily, this off-the-road eatery offers handmade, gigantic sandwiches chock full of gluten, goodness and calories that could serve as breakfast and an afternoon delight. The friendly staff will welcome you with a smile, even when the sky is still dark. What better way to start the day than a

lovely interaction with a complete stranger?

Packing numerous lunchtime snacks on tours for ski-friend sharing seems to bolster the joy inherently found in the peaks. Salami from Jackson Hole Buffalo Meat Company coupled with some hard cheddar cheese on a cracker offers sustainable solutions to long days. For those who feel that this is too elaborate, Lucky’s and the Whole Grocer sell epic jerky snacks that fit perfectly in the pockets.

If I could have one wish for additional snack support, that wish would entail precooked bacon in the bulk section, but perhaps that’s something for the future of Jackson Hole Snack Patrol.

Post skiing in the peaks, Dornan’s is strategically placed on the road between Grand Teton National Park and town. This seemingly benign stretch of highway seems to induce the calls of hunger more than any place I’ve ever driven. Unlike many spots in Teton Village and town, this restaurant has both skiers and normal people who like to talk about non-skiing life things. They don’t care where you went in the hills or where you plan to go. They simply and politely chat about daily things such as weather and food.

Unwinding at Dornan’s has historically prepared me for returning to the realities of life while I fill my belly with homemade pizza and gigantic house salads.

I could spend an entire year writing about mountain-fuel dining options in and around this town. The reality of the free-market economy coupled with living where nothing can grow in the winter offers some pretty amazing diet options. Let’s just hope our future continues to provide enough food shipments to hold us over for the winters to come. PJH

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 25

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

26 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

ANDREW MUNZ

WELL, THAT HAPPENED

Taste Bud Shockers Icelandic specialties such as rotten shark and lamb sushi are a bit new for the North American palate.

BY ANDREW MUNZ @AndrewMunz

T

aking one look at their traditional foodie fare, it’s no secret that Icelanders have some of the strongest stomachs in the world. They certainly know how to knock back some rotten shark that’s for sure. Having been here for two months now, I’m nowhere closer to craving sheep tongue than I was before I came, but that doesn’t mean I’ll avoid it forever. Much like the Icelandic language itself, Icelandic cuisine requires plenty of practice, and there’s no better time to shock your taste buds than around Christmas.

The original Icelandic settlers were proud heathens who celebrated Yule. Even today Icelanders say, “Happy Yule” or “Gleðileg Jól” rather than Merry Christmas. Instead of Santa Claus, we have the Yule Lads — 13 mischief-making brats who wreak havoc for each of the 13 days before Christmas Eve. They are the sons of the vicious children-eating troll, Gryla, and are often accompanied by the Yule Cat, a ferocious black beast that also enjoys devouring children. Fun! To celebrate the Yuletide season, the hotel I work at has been hosting a series of Christmas buffets each weekend for people of the area. You won’t find any king crab legs or mac and cheese on your plate, but rather marinated goose, raw lamb sushi, smoked salmon, boiled beef tongue and guillemot breasts encased in brown gelatin.

Tubs of butter accompany warm rugbrauð or Icelandic rye bread that’s been buried in the ground and baked with geothermic heat for 12 hours. Add a heaping spoonful of steamed potatoes soaked in sugary

A traditional Icelandic Christmas buffet at the Hildibrand Hotel in Neskaupstaður, Iceland.

caramel sauce and wash it all down with plenty of malt beer and you’ve got yourself, well, a stomachache, probably.

But it’s Christmas, so who cares?

Watching Icelanders hunker down on some beef tongue or rotten fish can be a little off-putting, but it’s a joyous occasion and Icelanders are proud of their food traditions.

You’ll notice that consuming whale meat isn’t as popular as it once was, though I’m told some more traditional families still dine on harbor porpoise (a non-endangered species) during this time of year.

One of my favorite items from the buffet was our homemade reindeer pâté. Luckily, I ended up getting the head chef, Guðni Jón Árnason, drunk enough to share his secret recipe.

Hreindyrapate (Reindeer Pâté) Makes “enough for a family” ½ pound ground reindeer (or elk, deer, moose, bison for Wyoming folk) ¼ pound ground chicken (or turkey) ¼ pound pig’s lard 2 eggs 2 tsp curing salt 2 tsp cracked black pepper 2 tsp fresh rosemary 1 tsp brandy 1 tsp port wine

Garnishes ½ cup minced cooked ham ¼ cup roasted shelled pistachios ¼ cup dried wild mushrooms

Directions Preheat oven to 200 degrees.

Hand mix ingredients, starting with the ground meats. Guðni recommends “introducing” each item as you mix rather than combining everything at once. This allows flavors to develop. Push mixture through a sieve or strainer to break down large chunks.

Add garnishes to the mixture. Press firmly in a loaf pan and bake in oven for one hour.

Allow to cool. Cut into ½ inch slices. Serve chilled on warm bread with lingonberries or red currant jam.

Happy Holidays from Iceland! PJH

n Pam Drews Phillips Plays Jazz 7:00pm, The Granary at Spring Creek Ranch, Free, 307-7338833 n Papa Chan Holiday Classics & Jazz 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-732-3939

SATURDAY DEC. 26

MONDAY DEC. 28

n Boot Camp 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Pilates Mat Classes at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-7399025 n Jazzercise 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $10.00, 307-739-9025 n Nativity Scene on the Town Square 9:00am, Town Square, Free n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 10:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-7399025 n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633

Happy Holidays!

WE’RE OPEN ON CHRISTMAS 3PM-CLOSE!

$5 SLICE & TALL BOY

VOTED BEST PIZZA IN JACKSON HOLE 2012, 2013, 2014 & 2015! $7 SLICE, SALAD & SODA

TUESDAY DEC. 29

n Kettlebells 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Women’s Avalanche Awareness & Backcountry Freedom Clinic 8:00am, CWC-Jackson, $299.00, 307-733-7425 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, Free, 307-733-6398 n Yoga 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Nativity Scene on the Town Square 9:00am, Town Square, Free n Ballet Workout at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Time 10:05am, Teton County Library, Free, 733-2164 ext. 118

We will be closing on Christmas Eve at 9pm.

50 WEST BROADWAY • JACKSON, WY 307.734.7465 PINKYGS.COM

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 27

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 28

n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Jackson Reads 12:00pm, KHOL Radio Show, 307-733-2164 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 12:00pm, Town Square, Free n Open Gym - Adult Volleyball 4:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Apres with Major Zephyr 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Stagecoach Band 6:00pm, Stagecoach, Free, 307-733-4407 n Taize 6:00pm, St. John’s Episcopal Church, Free, 307-733-2603 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Stargazing 6:00pm, Hotel Terra, Free, 307733-5898 n Uncle Stackhouse 10:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886

n Total Fitness 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Story Time - Victor 1:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library, Free, 208-787-2201 n Freestyle Skating 3:00pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Apres with Tucker Smith 3-piece band 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Barre Fusion at Dancers’ Workshop 5:30pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Hootenanny at Dornans 6:00pm, Dornans, Free, 307733-2415 n Evening Yoga 6:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Women’s Avalanche Awareness & Backcountry Freedom Clinic 6:00pm, CWC-Jackson, $299.00, 307-733-7425 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Rhythmic Circus: Feet Don’t Fail Me Now 7:00pm, Center for the Arts, $53.00 - $69.00, 307-733-4900

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 9:00am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Nativity Scene on the Town Square 9:00am, Town Square, Free n Adult Oil Painting 10:00am, The Local Galleria, $25.00 - $80.00, 208-270-0883 n Health Insurance Marketplace Assistance 10:00am, Teton County Library Computer Lab, Free, 307-7332164 n Open Hockey - Weekend Mornings 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00 n Tram Jam 11:00am, Base of the Bridger Gondola, Free n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 12:00pm, Town Square, Free n Raptor Encounters 2:00pm, Teton Raptor Center, $10.00 - $12.00, 307-203-2551 n David Cattani Trio 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Book Signing and Art Show 5:00pm, Altamira Fine Art Gallery, Free, 307-739-4700 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Soccer 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-0925 n Live Music 7:00pm, The Virginian Saloon, Free, 307-739-9891 n Papa Chan Holiday Classics & Jazz 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-732-3939 n Dirt Road Music 8:00pm, Knotty Pine, Free, 208-787-2866 n Calders Charge 10:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500 n Fox Street plays A/B Side Story 10:30pm, Town Square Tavern, $10.00, 307-733-3886

SUNDAY DEC. 27

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

28 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

SCOOP UP THESE SAVINGS

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GIVE A LITTLE HISTORY THIS SEASON Give a little history this season!

Now open for the Winter Season!

Now through January 2nd

WINTER HOURS: WEDNESDAY-SATURDAY, 10AM-4PM 225 N. CACHE STREET, JACKSON, WY – 307-733-2414

n Crystal Sound Bowl Experience with Daniela Botur 12:00pm, Intencions, Free, 307-733-9290 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 12:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n MELT at Dancers’ Workshop 12:10pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Freestyle Skating 3:00pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-201-1633 n Joint Class 4:00pm, Moose-Wapiti Classroom, St. John’s Medical Center, Free, 307-739-6199 n Apres with Fresh Roy and the Winch Cats 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Yoga 4:15pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307739-9025 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Creative Writing Club 4:30pm, Teton County Library Youth Auditorium, Free, 307-733-2164 n Jazzercise 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $10.00, 307-739-9025 n Total Fitness 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307739-9025 n Public Lands Treasure and Legacy: NW Wyoming 6:00pm, Teton County Library Ordway Auditorum, Free, 307-733-2164 x 229 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Volleyball 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307739-9025 n Hip Hop at Dancers’ Workshop 7:00pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Adult Oil Painting 7:00pm, The Local Galleria, $25.00 - $80.00, 208-270-0883 n Language Exchange Night 7:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library, Free, 208-787-2201 n The Center and Perfect Moment Entertainment co-present film premiere: Don’t Crack Under Pressure 7:00pm, Center for the Arts, $20.00, 307-7334900 n One Ton Pig 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307732-3939

FOR COMPLETE EVENT DETAILS VISIT PJHCALENDAR.COM

IMBIBE Festive Sips Add sparkle to the holidays with bubblicious cocktails.

BY TED SCHEFFLER @critic1

I

FEAST OF THE TETONS A Celebration of Local Food

well and pour into a Cognac glass over ice.

Finish with 3 dashes of Angostura bitters and a splash of Champagne or other sparkling wine. Garnish with fresh blueberries and raspberries.

Most often, the classic French 75 cocktail (named such because the effect was said to have the kick of a French 75 millimeter field gun), created in 1915 in Paris, is usually made using gin. However, I prefer the version made popular by New Orleans’ bartenders, which uses Cognac in place of gin. To make it, fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add 1-1/2 ounces VSOP Cognac, 1/2 ounce simple syrup, 1/2 ounce fresh lemon juice and shake well.

Strain the Cognac mixture into a martini glass and top with an ounce or so of sparkling wine, garnished with a lemon twist.

Here is another ridiculously simple, but elegant cocktail for your New Year’s Eve celebration, for St. Valentine’s Day, or any other time you’d like a refreshing Rosé drink.

I’m especially fond of the Rosé Champagne Cocktail because I adore Rosé Champagne in almost any form. This recipe makes two Rosé Champagne Cocktails. Slice one sugar cube in half with a serrated or sharp, thin knife. Place half a sugar cube into the bottom of each of two Champagne flutes (I like to use old-fashioned Champagne coupes).

Add 4 dashes of aromatic bitters (such as Angostura) to each glass. Then top the glasses with Rosé Champagne. Add a lemon twist garnish if you’re so inclined. PJH

January 10th at 6:00PM Dinner Prepared by Chef Rene Stein Sunday,

Dinner at the Residence of Annie & Jonathan Fenn

$125 PER PERSON & CASH BAR Tickets Available at tetonslowfood.org

Slow Food Tetons

cool ways

to PERK

UP

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

1110 W. Broadway • Jackson, WY Open daily 5:00am to midnight • Free Wi-Fi

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 29

n last week’s Drink column, I suggested a number of affordable bubbly bottles to help make your New Year’s Eve toasts sparkle. However, not everyone loves Champagne or sparkling wine straight.

Many—like Mimosa lovers—prefer to enjoy their bubbles blended: with fruit juice, with liquor or even with both. So, with New Year’s Eve 2016 in mind, here are some tantalizing twists on the standard New Year’s toast.

The simplest of all Champagne “cocktails” is one that actress Ali Larter likes to serve: a Lemon Twist. And, when I say “simple,” I mean this one is simple. For eight servings, divide one 750-milliliter bottle of Champagne or other quality sparkling wine among eight glasses. Drop a lemon zest strip into each glass, and voilá! You’ve created a slightly bitter, delicious Champagne cocktail that even the klutziest mixologist can concoct.

A smooch is a New Year’s Eve stroke-ofmidnight tradition, so why not pair it with a Cali Kiss cocktail? Here’s the recipe for one Cali Kiss: Cut half a lemon into quarters and muddle the lemon pieces in a mixing glass with 1-1/2 ounces Caliche Rum and 3/4 ounce St-Germain French Elderflower Liqueur. Fill the glass with ice and shake until chilled. Strain the mixture into an ice-filled Champagne flute; top with 1-ounce chilled Prosecco or other sparkling wine.

The kid in all of us enjoys the idea of an old-fashioned soda fountain float. Well, here’s one that’s not so old-fashioned, nor as calorie laden as those of our childhood.

It comes from the famed Bemelmans Bar at New York’s Carlyle Hotel. To make this LowCal Float, use a melon baller to add a scoop of lemon or raspberry sorbet to a chilled Champagne flute. Fill the glass with 5 ounces of Martini & Rossi Prosecco (or your favorite brand) and garnish with one raspberry or a twist of lemon. It’s a terrific aperitif for your New Year’s Eve guests.

Speaking of The Carlyle, here is the recipe for their popular Carlyle Punch. In a cocktail shaker with ice, combine 1 ounce Southern Comfort, 1-1/2 ounces Stolichnaya Raspberry Vodka, 1-1/2 ounces cranberry juice, 1 ounce orange juice, 1 ounce St-Germain French Elderflower Liqueur, 1 ounce simple syrup and a squeeze of fresh lime juice. Shake

BEER, WINE & SPIRITS

You’re Invited To Join Teton Slow Food for the

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

30 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

ANNIE FENN, MD

THE FOODIE FILES

Gifts for a Foodie Shop around town for crave-worthy, delicious, last-minute gifts.

BY ANNIE FENN, M.D. @jacksonfoodie

I

’m sure you had good intentions to do all your holiday shopping last week. But all that snow drifting down from the sky made it hard to stay focused, didn’t it? If you’re not done Christmas shopping by now, it’s crunch time.

For the foodies on your list — those obsessed with enjoying, cooking and learning about food — I can help. You won’t have to sacrifice a powder day to plow through that shopping list. While you were out skiing, I scoured the town for the most unique, crave-worthy gifts that any foodie would love. And this time of year isn’t everyone a foodie?

Mountain Dandy bowls and more People who love to cook can never have enough serving bowls. The Alex Marshall ceramics at Mountain Dandy are beautifully functional with distinct asymmetrical architecture, cool hues and glazes, and modern yet rustic lines. Choose the small and medium sized bowls ($56 and $76) for someone who loves serving home-cooked dishes family style — I reach for mine every day.

Mountain Dandy also has a great

Top left: How about a boxed set of Rocq macarons from Jackson Whole Grocer for that gluten-free sweet tooth? Bottom left: For the farmers market fanatic, gift a winter CSA share from Roots Kitchen and Cannery. Middle: Bakery manager Jenn Beastrom is baking up holiday magic at the Grocer. Right: Steve Ashley, owner of the Valley Bookstore, with his current cookbook crush. selection of hardwood cutting boards, serving trays, resin ice buckets, elk antler corkscrews and pizza cutters. Know someone who needs encouragement to do the dishes?

Whiskey-scented dish soap is the answer ($16). Mountain Dandy is located in Gaslight Alley. Open Christmas Eve, closed Christmas Day.

Delicious Reads at the Valley Bookstore Most foodies I know are passionate cookbook collectors — they pore over them for inspiration, read them like novels and can never have enough. “Cookbooks are the comfort food of the culinary world,” said Steve Ashley, owner of the Valley Bookstore, Jackson’s beloved independent book merchant. A food enthusiast himself, Ashley has cookbooks in stock that you just can’t find by browsing Amazon.

My most recent Valley Bookstore discovery makes the perfect cookbook gift for a mountain town foodie — “Winter Cabin Cooking: Dumplings, fondue, strudel, glühwein and other fireside treats,” by Lizzie Kamenetzky, ($24.95). Set in the high-mountain ski towns of central Europe, this gorgeous book makes me want to cozy up by the fire while a tartiflette — an iconic mountain dish of potatoes, bacon and Reblochon cheese — bubbles away in the oven. It has me intent on mastering the perfect fondue for an après ski gathering, while plotting my next trip to the Dolomites.

Ashley’s current favorite cookbook?

“Genius Recipes: 100 recipes that will change the way you cook,” by Kristen Gilmore and the food hub website Food52.com ($35). I agree with Ashley. I’ve been cooking through

my copy all year. This curated collection has all the best recipes for just about everything — from classic guacamole to kale salad to Marcella Hazan’s tomato sauce with butter and onion. It’s like having a recipe box with a card from every luminary in the food world: Barbara Kafka, Marion Cunningham, Alice Waters, James Beard, Yotam Ottolenghi and more. It’s the perfect book for both novice and seasoned cooks.

Don’t miss the Food Lit section at the Valley Bookstore for memoirs, food writing anthologies and many more delicious reads. Every foodie’s bookshelf should have a copy of “The Food Lover’s Companion” by Herbst and Herbst, now out in paperback.

The Valley Bookstore is located in Gaslight Alley and will be open Christmas Eve, closed Christmas Day.

Lodge Cast Iron Pans at Big R Ranch and Home Store Generations of cooks swear by the nonstick surface of cast iron cookware. With proper care and seasoning, these pans are destined to become family heirlooms. My kids already have their sights set on my biggest Lodge frying pan — the first pan I reach for each morning and the best $30 investment I ever made in the kitchen. It’s perfect for frying up eggs, potatoes and breakfast sausage. I love it for baking a blueberry crisp, a batch of scones and a giant chocolate chip cookie. Hefty and indestructible, it’s a real American classic.

I also love the small Lodge frying pan ($16.95) and the scone pan ($20.95). Big R Ranch and Home Store has hard-to-find

Lodge cast iron lids that will turn your pan into a Dutch oven for campfire cooking next summer.

For the foodie on your list who loves to pickle and can, check out Big R’s selection of Ball mason jars and canning accessories.

Big R Ranch and Home is located on 1220 Meadowlark Lane and is open Christmas Eve until 4 pm, closed Christmas Day.

Truffles from the Meeteetse Chocolatier

With all the talented chocolatiers in this town, it’s not hard to find a gift for the chocoholic on your list. For handmade chocolates with a sense of place, check out the new guy: Tim Kellogg of Meeteetse Chocolatier. Kellogg has been making his uniquely Western chocolates for more than a decade, but he just opened a shop in Jackson. His more boozy truffles are flavored with Wyoming Whiskey, Zonker Stout and Pako’s IPA. Kellogg uses all natural ingredients, sourced locally, to make his own flavor tinctures for the prickly pear cactus fruit, huckleberry, sage and sarsaparilla truffles. Business has been brisk, especially since The New York Times came to Meeteetse to visit Kellogg’s shop, calling him the “Frontier Chocolatier” and featuring him in a slide show on its website (check it out in the Times archives). On the day I visited Kellogg’s tiny shop on Broadway, he’d been pretty much cleaned out of truffles.

With limited hours in the Jackson shop, you may have to wait until after Christmas to gift these exquisite chocolates. Just tell that chocoholic on your list that it will be worth the wait. A truffle six-pack costs $12 and is meant to be eaten within five days. No problem there. Meeteetse Chocolatier is located on

Broadway across from the Elk’s Lodge. Open the Sunday after Christmas and through the New Year.

Holiday treats from Jackson Whole Grocer’s Bakery

ANNIE FENN, MD

Top left: Christian Burch of Mountain Dandy with his line of Alex Marshall serving pieces.

Bottom left: Food Lit at the Valley Bookstore; every foodie needs ‘The Food Lover’s Companion.’

Right: General Manager Sean Walsh is one of the friendly faces at Local Butcher, our new downtown butcher shop and foodie heaven.

Roots Kitchen and Cannery

Local Butcher Stepping into the newest butcher shop in town is like walking into foodie heaven.

Local Butcher, owned by chefs Paul Wireman and Will Bradof, of Trio An American Bistro and Local Restaurant and Bar, is an outpost for the chefs’ unique brand of Jackson

After delivering babies and practicing gynecology for 20 years in Jackson, Annie traded her life as a doctor to pursue her other passion: writing about food, health, sustainability and the local food scene. Follow her snippets of mountain life, with recipes, at www. jacksonholefoodie.com and on Instagram @jacksonholefoodie.

FIND US AT THE BASE OF THE PASS AT THE STAGECOACH BAR.

OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK FROM 11AM - 9PM

STREETFOODJH.COM 307-200-6633

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 31

If you frequent the farmers markets, you’ve surely met Orion Bellorado and Willi Brooks of Roots Kitchen and Cannery.

Starting out as the “Guys Selling Pies,” they now have expanded their line of foods to include vegetable pickles, fruit jams, chutney, sauerkraut, hot sauce, quiches, meat pies and more. Everyone knows that there’s nothing a foodie loves more than scoring homemade, locally sourced, unique farmers market finds. Roots Kitchen is offering a winter CSA share that makes the ultimate foodie gift. Every two weeks, shareholders receive a selection from its line of homemade goods — like the addictive blueberry lavender jam, curried carrot pickles and pumpkin pie syrup. Other goodies include freshly milled flour, ready-made meals, fresh roasted coffee beans and handmade pastas. My first share even included a bottle of Niner Olio Nuovo olive oil, a limited edition first press olive oil from the Niner family in California. Items can be purchased individually — a boxed set of jams makes a nice gift — or through the CSA program, starting at $180 for the season.

Pickup is at the Center for the Arts every two weeks. Contact Roots at rootskitchencannery@gmail.com or call Orion at 690-4634.

Hole cuisine. You’ll find Trio’s famous BLT Soup in the freezer, along with chef-made caramelized onions, foie mousse with figs, and veal and chicken stocks. In the pantry, locals who know and love former Jackson chef Tamalpais Star will be thrilled to see her Bunches and Bunches line of foods — mole and chili sauces, Cloud Cookies and Snaps.

Local executive chef Mike Christie created the delicatessen menu of grab and go sandwiches and salads, like the duck confit salad he serves at Local. And Christie’s meat counter is fun and ecletic, with some hard-to-find items like duck breasts, duck confit, pheasant sausage and house-made hot dogs. I couldn’t resist taking home a few packages of huckleberry maple sausage — some to give away and some to keep for Christmas morning.

Lockhart Cattle Company beef is for sale in the meat case and reclaimed wood from the ranch lines the walls. Local Butcher strives to source everything locally and regionally. Let the staff help you put together custom small or large foodie gift baskets. Local Butcher is located at 50 West Deloney Street. Open until 7 pm on Christmas Eve, closed Christmas Day. PJH

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

Walking into the bakery department at Jackson Whole Grocer during the holidays takes me back to the small-town New York, Italian bakeries of my youth. After meeting bakery manager Jennifer Beastrom, now I know why. Beastrom grew up in Saratoga Springs, New York, in a family of Polish and French bakers. The youngest of six children, she remembers placing doilies on cakes when she was barely old enough to reach the counter. Since taking over the Whole Grocer bakery department earlier this year, Beastrom is infusing the place with the old world traditions she grew up with.

The results are magical — crispy cannoli filled with sweet ricotta, flawless flourless chocolate cakes, adorable 6-inch tiramisu cakes and spectacular Grand Teton chocolate mousse filled pastries, to name a few.

Everything is made in house from natural ingredients. Everything, that is, but the full line of Rocq macarons imported from French chef Eddy Rocq in California — a box of these would make a perfect gift for the gluten-free foodie on your list. I also love the full line of gluten-free baked goods, the holiday sugar cookies and the almond cookies — just like the amaretti I grew up with. My favorite gift from the Whole Grocer, however, is the prefab gingerbread house with a large tube of frosting for $19.99. Decorate your house by taking home some bulk candies and you have a great gift for kids of all ages. Jackson Whole Grocer is located at 1155 South Highway 89. Open until 9 pm Christmas Eve, closed Christmas Day.

NOW IS THE TIME TO GIVE US A TRY!

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

32 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

Featuring dining destinations from buffets and rooms with a view to mom and pop joints, chic cuisine and some of our dining critic’s faves!

Breakfast Lunch & Dinner ••••••••• Open daily 8am 145 N. Glenwood (307) 734-0882

WWW.TETONLOTUSCAFE.COM

ASIAN & CHINESE TETON THAI Serving the world’s most exciting cuisine.

Teton Thai offers a splendid array of flavors: sweet, hot, sour, salt and bitter. All balanced and blended perfectly, satisfying the most discriminating palate. Open daily. 7432 Granite Loop Road in Teton Village, (307) 733-0022 and in Driggs, (208) 787-8424, tetonthai.com.

KAZUMI

FAMILY FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT

Take-out just got easier!

Order online at PizzeriaCaldera.com or via our app for iOS or Android.

11am - 9:30pm daily 20 W Broadway 307 - 201 - 1472

PIZZAS, PASTAS & MORE HOUSEMADE BREAD & DESSERTS FRESH, LOCALLY SOURCED OFFERINGS TAKE OUT AVAILABLE Dining room and bar open nightly at 5:00pm (307) 733-2460 • 2560 Moose Wilson Road • Wilson, WY

A Jackson Hole favorite since 1965

Kazumi is a family-owned and operated restaurant serving unique sushi rolls, fresh sashimi and nigiri, and off-the-charts specialty items. Located near the Town Square, we also feature hot noodle soups and the spiciest rolls in town! Open Monday through Saturday at 11 a.m - 9:30 p.m. 265 West Broadway, 307-733-9168, jacksonholesushi.com.

KIM’S CORNER Best ski food in the area! Korean and American style, from breakfast sandwiches, burgers, chicken tenders, Philly cheese steaks to rice bowls and noodles. Something for everyone!

Open Tuesday through Thursday, 9:30 a.m. to 7 p.m.; Friday through Sunday, 9:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.

At base of Snow King between the ski patrol room and the ice rink. 100 E. Snow King Ave. Order ahead (307) 200-6544, facebook.com/ Kimscornercafe.

THAI ME UP

®

EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

20%OFF ENTIRE BILL

Good between 5:30-6pm • Open nightly at 5:30pm

733-3912 160 N. Millward

Make your reservation online at bluelionrestaurant.com

Large Specialty Pizza ADD: Wings (8 pc)

Medium Pizza (1 topping) Stuffed Cheesy Bread

$ 13 99

for an extra $5.99/each

(307) 733-0330 520 S. Hwy. 89 • Jackson, WY

Home of Melvin Brewing Co. Freshly remodeled offering modern Thai cuisine in a relaxed setting. New tap system with 20 craft beers.

New $8 wine list and extensive bottled beer menu. Open daily for dinner at 5pm. Downtown at 75 East Pearl Street. View our tap list at thaijh. com/brews. 307-733-0005.

CONTINENTAL THE BLUE LION A Jackson Hole favorite for 37 years. Join us in the charming atmosphere of a historic home.

Ask a local about our rack of lamb. Serving fresh fish, elk, poultry, steaks, and vegetarian entrées.

Live acoustic guitar music most nights. Open at 5:30 p.m. Off Season Special: 2 for 1 Entrees.

Good all night. Must mention ad. Reservations recommended, walk-ins welcome. 160 N. Millward, (307) 733-3912, bluelionrestaurant.com

CAFE GENEVIEVE

BUY 1 GET 1 APPETIZERS LIMIT 1 PER A TABLE

265 WEST BROADWAY 307-733-9168 JACKSONHOLESUSHI.COM

Mangy Moose Restaurant, with locally sourced, seasonally FRESH FOOD at reasonable prices, is a always a FUN PLACE to go with family or friends for a unique dining experience. The personable staff will make you feel RIGHT AT HOME and the funky western decor will keep you entertained throughout your entire visit.

Reservations at (307) 733-4913 3295 Village Drive • Teton Village, WY

www.mangymoose.com

Serving inspired home cooked classics in a historic log cabin. Enjoy brunch daily at 8 a.m., dinner nightly at 5 p.m., and happy hour daily 3-5:30 p.m. featuring $5 glasses of wine, $5 specialty drinks, $3 bottled beer. 135 E. Broadway, (307) 732-1910, genevievejh.com.

ELEANOR’S Enjoy all the perks of fine dining, minus the dress code at Eleanor’s, serving rich, saucy dishes in a warm and friendly setting. Eleanor’s is a primo brunch spot on Sunday afternoons. Its bar alone is an attraction, thanks to reasonably priced drinks and a loyal crowd. Come get a belly-full of our two-time gold medal wings.

Open at 11 a.m. daily. 832 W. Broadway, (307) 733-7901.

FULL STEAM SUBS The deli that’ll rock your belly. Jackson’s newest sub shop serves steamed subs, reubens, gyros, delicious all beef hot dogs, soups and salads.

We offer Chicago style hot dogs done just the way they do in the windy city. Open daily11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Located just a short block north of the Town Square at 180 N. Center Street, (307) 733-3448.

LOCAL Local, a modern American steakhouse and bar, is located on Jackson’s historic town square. Our menu features both classic and specialty cuts of locally-ranched meats and wild game alongside fresh seafood, shellfish, house-ground burgers, and seasonally-inspired food. We offer an extensive wine list and an abundance of locallysourced products. Offering a casual and vibrant bar atmosphere with 12 beers on tap as well as a relaxed dining room, Local is the perfect spot to grab a burger for lunch or to have drinks and dinner with friends. Lunch Mon-Sat 11:30am.

Dinner Nightly 5:30pm. 55 North Cache, (307) 201-1717, localjh.com.

LOTUS CAFE Serving organic, freshly-made world cuisine while catering to all eating styles. Endless organic and natural meat, vegetarian, vegan and glutenfree choices. Offering super smoothies, fresh extracted juices, espresso and tea. Full bar and house-infused botanical spirits. Open daily 8am for breakfast lunch and dinner. 145 N. Glenwood St., (307) 734-0882, tetonlotuscafe.com.

MANGY MOOSE Mangy Moose Restaurant, with locally sourced, seasonally fresh food at reasonable prices, is a always a fun place to go with family or friends for a unique dining experience. The personable staff will make you feel right at home and the funky western decor will keep you entertained throughout your entire visit. Teton Village, (307) 733-4913, mangymoose.com.

SNAKE RIVER BREWERY & RESTAURANT America’s most award-winning microbrewery is serving lunch and dinner. Take in the atmosphere while enjoying wood-fired pizzas, pastas, burgers, sandwiches, soups, salads and desserts. $9 lunch menu. Happy hour 4 to 6 p.m., including tasty hot wings. The freshest beer in the valley, right from the source! Free WiFi. Open 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. 265 S. Millward. (307) 739-2337, snakeriverbrewing.com.

SWEETWATER Satisfying locals for lunch and dinner for over 36 years with deliciously affordable comfort food.

Extensive local and regional beer list. Lunch 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. features blackened trout salad, elk melt, wild west chili and vegetarian specialties. Dinner 5:30 to 9 p.m. including potato-crusted trout, 16 ounce ribeye, vegan and wild game. Reservations welcome. (307) 733-3553. sweetwaterjackson.com.

TRIO Owned and operated by Chefs with a passion for good food, Trio is located right off the Town square in downtown Jackson. Featuring a variety of cuisines in a relaxed atmosphere, Trio is famous for its wood-oven pizzas, specialty cocktails and waffle fries with bleu cheese fondue. Dinner nightly at 5:30 p.m. Reservations.

(307) 734-8038 or bistrotrio.com.

ITALIAN CALICO THE LOCALS

FAVORITE PIZZA 2012, 2013 & 2014 •••••••••

$7

$4 Well Drink Specials

LUNCH

SPECIAL Slice, salad & soda

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••

TV Sports Packages and 7 Screens

Under the Pink Garter Theatre (307) 734-PINK • www.pinkygs.com

A Jackson Hole favorite since 1965, the Calico continues to be one of the most popular restaurants in the Valley. The Calico offers the right combination of really good food, (much of which is grown in our own gardens in the summer), friendly staff; a reasonably priced menu and a large selection of wine. Our bar scene is eclectic with a welcoming vibe. Open nightly at 5 p.m. 2560 Moose Wilson Rd., (307) 733-2460.

MEXICAN EL ABUELITO Serving authentic Mexican cuisine and appetizers in a unique Mexican atmosphere.

Home of the original Jumbo Margarita.

Featuring a full bar with a large selection of authentic Mexican beers. Lunch served weekdays 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Nightly dinner specials. Open seven days, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.

385 W. Broadway, (307) 733-1207.

PIZZA - Snow King Mountain -

Cafe

KOREAN & AMERICAN BREAKFAST & LUNCH BURGERS • FRIES RICE BOWLS • NOODLES (at Snow King Mtn between Ski Patrol & Ice Rink)

307.200.6544

Hot and delicious delivered to your door.

Hand-tossed, deep dish, crunchy thin, Brooklyn style and artisan pizzas; bread bowl pastas, and oven baked sandwiches; chicken wings, cheesy breads and desserts. Delivery.

520 S. Hwy. 89 in Kmart Plaza, (307) 733-0330.

PINKY G’S The locals favorite! Voted Best Pizza in Jackson Hole 2012, 2013 and 2014. Seek out this hidden gem under the Pink Garter Theatre for NY pizza by the slice, salads, stromboli’s, calzones and many appetizers to choose from. Try the $7 ‘Triple S’ lunch special.Happy hours 10 p.m. - 12 a.m. Sun.- Thu. Text PINK to 71441 for discounts. Delivery and take-out.

Open daily 11a.m. to 2 a.m. 50 W. Broadway, (307) 734-PINK.

PIZZERIA CALDERA

The Deli That’ll Rock Your Belly 307-733-3448

Sun-Wed 11am-4pm, Thur-Sat 11am-8pm 180 N. Center St. | 1 block n. of Town Square Next to Home Ranch Parking Lot

45 S. Glenwood Available for private events & catering For reservations please call 734-8038

SCOOP UP THESE SAVINGS

1/16TH COLOR AD • FREE PRINT LISTING (50-75 WORDS) • FREE ONLINE LISTING ON PLANETJH.COM • 6 MONTH MINIMUM COMMITMENT • $25 A WEEK CASH OR $40 A WEEK TRADE ON HALF OFF JH

CONTACT YOUR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE TODAY TO LEARN MORE

SALES@PLANETJH.COM OR 307.732.0299

Local is a modern American steakhouse and bar located on Jackson’s historic town square.

Serving locally raised beef and, regional game, fresh seafood and seasonally inspired food, Local offers the perfect setting for lunch, drinks or dinner.

Lunch 11:30am Monday-Saturday Dinner 5:30pm Nightly

HAPPY HOUR Daily 4-6:00pm

307.201.1717 | LOCALJH.COM ON THE TOWN SQUARE

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 33

Steamed Subs Hot Dogs Soups & Salads

Jackson Hole’s only dedicated stone-hearth oven pizzeria, serving Napolitana-style pies using the freshest ingredients in traditional and creative combinations. Five local microbrews on tap, a great selection of red and white wines by the glass and bottle, and one of the best views of the Town Square from our upstairs deck. Daily lunch special includes slice, salad or soup, any two for $8. Happy hour: half off drinks by the glass from 4 - 6 daily. Dine in or carry out. Or order online at PizzeriaCaldera.com, or download our app for iOS or Android. Open from 11am - 9:30pm daily at 20 West Broadway. 307-201-1472.

Dinner Nightly at 5:30pm

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

Tues-Thur 9:30am-7pm | Fri-Sun 9:30am-4pm 100 E. Snow King Ave

DOMINO’S PIZZA

Trio is located just off the town square in downtown Jackson, and is owned & operated by local chefs with a passion for good food.

Our menu features contemporary American dishes inspired by classic bistro cuisine. Daily specials feature wild game, fish and meats.

Enjoy a glass of wine at the bar in front of the wood-burning oven and watch the chefs perform in the open kitchen.

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

34 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

Gut Instincts Your belly is an intelligent guidance system that knows what’s good for it.

RABBIT ROW REPAIR WE SERVICE THEM ALL …

T

he advice to trust your gut is more than folk wisdom. Sometimes an idea or decision looks great on paper but does not feel right in your gut. And sometimes an idea or decision feels right in the gut though it does not look promising on paper.

The gut is a valuable, intelligent guidance system especially because it bypasses the mind. The body does not lie. The mind, on the other hand, can make up a reason to justify anything.

When it comes to food (or any other choice you are about to make), consider consulting your body for the instant feedback it will give you on what is true and in your highest good in that moment. The challenge, of course, is to then follow your own body’s intelligence.

Here’s some science from the Institute for Psychology of Eating that validates the intelligence of the gut. “The enteric nervous system is the separate yet interconnected nervous system located in your digestive organs. It contains at least as many nerve cells as there are in your spinal cord. The implication is that there is a ton of intelligence in your gut.”

Best digestives

4 2 8 0 W. L E E P E R • W I L S O N • 3 0 7 - 7 3 3 - 4 3 3 1

SALES ASSOCIATE POSITION AVAILABLE Are you motivated, have a sense of humor and do what it takes to get it done? Planet Jackson Hole is currently looking for an Advertising Associate who can help us stay in touch with some of our awesome advertisers as well as be our on-the-streets super star for Planet JH. The ideal person will be outgoing, hard-working, a team player and must have some experience. All inquiries, please send your resume and a brief explanation of why you think you're the one to: Jen@planetjh.com

Preparing food with love and gratitude, serving it with love and gratitude, and feeling love and gratitude for the food you are eating make the nourishment in the food easier to digest and assimilate. Those feelings turn on the parasympathetic nervous system (a relaxation response), which sets the stage for nature’s most effective digestion and extraction of nutrients, adding to the all-around pleasure of food.

Also consider the intuitive knowing and the scientific understanding that everything is energy, frequency and vibration. The energy and vibration of heartfelt love and gratitude uplift and expand what’s possible for the highest functioning of the body, the mind and the spirit. Perhaps experiment with pausing before you eat and feeling authentic appreciation for your food in your heart. Notice what happens.

Organic versus conventional food The toxic load from chemicals used to grow and process conventional food is no friend to our health or overall well-being. Nothing in our world at this point is toxin free, but organically grown food is grown without man-made chemical additions to the soil or to the produce. When it comes to meat and dairy, organic means the animals have been fed organic food, which is not laced with preservatives. It makes a lot of sense that happy, healthy animals equal healthier food. Objectively organic food boasts significantly more nutritional value. Subjectively it tastes better.

Here’s an inspiring news flash: The Danish government has announced it will convert the entire country’s public and private agriculture into organic and sustainable farming. Denmark will become the world’s first organic country.

A cosmic and hopeful thought We know that when we feed the body the right nutrients, it self-heals.

When we collectively feed love into the world by treating the planet and all her inhabitants with love, everything will self-heal and upgrade. PJH

Carol Mann is a longtime Jackson resident, radio personality, former Grand Targhee Resort owner, author, and clairvoyant.

Got a Cosmic Question? Email carol@yourcosmiccafe.com

NATURAL MEDICINE Food as Medicine During the holiday season, eat real food to stave off extra pounds.

BY DR. MONIQUE LAI

“L

et food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”

- Hippocrates, early 300s BC.

Playing in the powder this holiday season can help burn off excess calories, but it’s best to avoid putting on extra weight all together. when it is the right time.

Now that you know which foods are good for you, how do you find the best foods in Jackson?

Food sourcing has changed considerably for the better in Jackson over the past 15 years. We are lucky to have two natural markets — Lucky’s and Whole Grocer — and two chain grocery stores that carry organic foods. We have specialty shops like Pearl St. Market and the Aspen’s Market that carry locally grown, zero-hormone meats from the Lockhart ranch.

After attending the SHIFT lectures, I learned more about the many farmers in our area raising healthy animals. One of my personal favorites is Haderlie Farms in Star Valley, which delivers its products to Jackson at least once a week.

Patients frequently ask me questions about the benefits of organic food, often after reading something that questions the relative nutritional value of organic versus nonorganic. I urge them to remember that a big part of what you’re getting with organic is a considerable decrease in the chemical load of pesticides and herbicides used to grow nonorganic food. A great way to accomplish that goal in the summer is through a local farm share. There are many in the area, we purchase ours from Cosmic Apple. In the winter Cosmic Apple holds frequent outdoor markets in Jackson. Similarly, when buying good-quality meat you are not only trying to avoid antibiotics and hormones, you are gaining the greater omega 3 content contained in grass-fed meat.

Fresh, wild seafood has always been tough to find in Jackson. Now, however, we have some great sushi and seafood restaurants, and people like the Captain, who I met

at the farmers market this summer, bring in fresh seafood almost daily. Liquor Down South also special orders king crab, oysters and halibut. Get yourself on LDS’s email list to stay apprised of items the store is looking to order. Because of the current pollution levels of our oceans, it is important to eat fish that contains low levels of mercury and PCBs, such as catfish, herring, oysters, pollock, wild salmon, sardines, shrimp and wild tilapia.

I know there are many other great sources for wonderful food in Jackson and the surrounding area. If I missed any, I’d love to hear from you. Email me: DrMoniqueLai@gmail.com Remember: Eat only food 1.

2.

Figure out which food is good for YOU 3.

Purchase the best food you can This is your health and life is more fun when you are healthy. PJH A 15-year Jackson resident, Monique Lai, ND, is an alternative health expert with a family practice where she works with patients to restore their health. She obtained her doctorate in naturopathic medicine from Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine in 1996. Monique enjoys tackling a variety of health challenges, particularly autoimmune disease, thyroid disease, digestive disorders, menopause and diabetes. For more info, visit drmoniquelai.com.

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

This week is one of the biggest eating weeks of the year. The average American will eat and drink more than 7,000 calories on Christmas Day, more than three times the amount recommended by the United States Department of Agriculture and equal to the daily intake of a Tour de France rider. The result: the typical American will be putting on four pounds from Christmas to New Year’s. Living in Jackson gives us the opportunity to ski that weight off, but the healthier plan is to avoid putting it on in the first place.

It is important to recognize which foods are our medicine and which foods are poisons. When I say poison, I really mean what foods are harmful to your body. As I’ve said over and over again in this column, eat only food and avoid the chemicals that are so prevalent in processed food.

Figuring out which foods are good for you as an individual requires some effort in return for the reward. The gold standard is an elimination diet. This process involves eliminating foods for which many people have sensitivity for a two-week period, then re-introducing them one by one, monitoring your body’s response if you react to something.

Another method that has shown promise is from the book “The Plan.” Although this book is written for weight loss, it’s based on the proven premise that you gain weight because of inflammatory reactions to specific foods. You commit to a very strict diet for three days, weighing yourself every day.

Then, you introduce foods one by one to measure weight gain in the form of inflammation.

Another method I have found helpful for my patients over the past 20 years has been a food-sensitivity test through a blood draw. This identifies the reaction of an antibody called immunoglobulin G (IgG) to specific foods and the subsequent inflammation. Sometimes it is difficult to decipher what that reaction is. I had the test done 22 years ago when I was in naturopathic medical school and found I was sensitive to coffee. Coffee made my stomach grumble but from what I heard it made lots of people’s stomachs upset. I needed coffee for energy — I was in med school. Four years ago, I finally quit coffee and immediately my chronic low-grade back pain disappeared. Often we get information but only listen to it

DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 35

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

36 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

SUDOKU

Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9.

No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.

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L.A.TIMES “EXTRA! EXTRA!” By Amy Johnson

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2015

ACROSS

10 Duchamp genre 50 Toot one’s own horn 10 In the thick of 15 Prepare for a birth, in a way 19 Not supportin’ 20 Moose meeting place 21 Check 22 Munch Museum city 23 *Bugs line 25 Seat of New York’s Oneida County 26 Common parade street 27 Martha’s Vineyard papers 28 *Classic novel with the chapter “My Breaking In” 30 Babs Bunny, e.g.

31 Website for techies 33 Single or double 34 Title teacher in a 1967 film 37 *“End of discussion!”

43 Guinea pig, e.g.

46 Part of a Latin trio 48 It may be close 49 Meter reading 50 Eggs in a clinic 51 *John Adams’ home after the Market Street mansion 54 Air quality concern 55 Sounds heard with a stethoscope 57 Hyundai sedan 58 Glue base 60 Agcy. with facilities in Denver and West Point 61 Ben Jonson epitaph words 63 Like pre-Easter diets 65 Comédie part 66 To be, in Paris 68 *“That’s how the cookie crumbles” 72 Hardy heroine 73 Capone nemesis 74 Everett of “Citizen Kane” 75 Cryptic letters 77 Drying-out sites 79 Quake danger

83 Delivery van assignments 86 Baker with Grammys 87 BC and Cal, e.g.

88 *Whodunit staple 90 Base VIP 91 Popular Girl Scout cookie 93 Indian wrap: Var. 94 Grumpy mood 95 Prior to, poetically 96 *Soap set in Pine Valley, Pennsylvania 100 Mdse.

101 Gentle treatment, briefly 102 Weighty refs.

103 Some dishwashers 105 *No spring chicken 111 Polytheistic creed 116 Rate of speed 117 Pope’s muse 118 Answer to the spoken riddle hidden in the answers to starred clues 120 Like many a quote: Abbr.

121 Home to the Sforza Castle 122 “Buckaroo Holiday” ballet 123 Driver’s warning 124 Advance 125 Argues vehemently 126 German steel hub 127 Secondhand

DOWN

10 University of Georgia athlete, familiarly 20 Ottoman general 30 Actress Cameron 40 Paid for a hand 50 Wheat protein 60 Easy gait 70 Bookie’s numbers 80 Back in the day 90 Sleuth, slangily 10 Former minors 11 Prefix with ethics 12 Of the ear 13 Banjo part with frets 14 Bit of this, bit of that

15 Rootless one 16 Jacob’s womb-mate 17 Cut (open), as a letter 18 Tiger with a red scarf 24 Ancient gathering place 28 __ noir 29 Sushi bar suppliers 31 Scene using stunt drivers 32 Piercing site 34 Cutting tools 35 Letters before two cents?

36 Whatever the weather 38 Brit. medal 39 Tough guy 40 Going through the roof 41 Sees through 42 Critic who won’t quit 43 Tricky force tactic 44 Some are blessed 45 Sweet and sour 47 Eyes persistently 52 Pilot’s update, briefly 53 Heckle, say 54 Editor’s “Leave it” 56 Many open mic night performers 59 Sci-fi staple 60 On the fence 62 Blowup: Abbr.

64 “I do not see why I should __ turn back”: Frost 66 Infuriate 67 Many a concertgoer 69 Many a startup 70 Move nonchalantly 71 Burden 76 “Neither snow __ rain ... ” 78 Lava rock 80 “It’s __!”: speakeasy warning 81 Keyboardist Saunders and crossword immortal Reagle

82 Pegged 84 Oklahoma’s “Wheat Capital” 85 LAPD ranks 87 Tee sizes, initially 89 Nautical pronoun 92 Speculative lead-to-gold practice 93 Author Silverstein 97 Eyes in texts 98 Encourages 99 Minimum-range tide 101 Graph revelation 104 Major mix-up 105 Down Under gem 106 Rooftop sight 107 Micro- or macro- subj.

108 Buffalo’s lake 109 Area where a pass may be needed 110 Angled print: Abbr.

111 Xing people?

112 __ bit: slightly 113 Wall St. highlights 114 Arid 115 ’60s TV barn resident 118 “__ You Experienced”: Hendrix album 119 Negatives

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

ARIES (March 21-April 19) The raw materials you have at your disposal in 2016 may sometimes seem limited. You might not have access to all the tools you wish you did. You could be tempted to feel envy about the vaster resources other people can draw on. But I honestly don’t think these apparent inhibitions will put you at a disadvantage. Within your smaller range of options, there will be all the possibilities you need. In fact, the constraints could stimulate your creativity in ways that would have never occurred if you’d had more options.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You know what physical hygiene is. But are you familiar with imaginal hygiene? Educator Morgan Brent defines it like this: “Imaginal hygiene is the inner art of self-managing the imagination, to defend it from forces that compromise, pollute, colonize, shrink and sterilize it, and to cultivate those that illuminate, expand and nourish it.”

It’s always important for everyone to attend to this work, but it’s especially crucial for you to focus on it in 2016.

You will be exceptionally creative, and therefore likely to generate long-lasting effects and influences out of the raw materials that occupy your imagination.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Your mind sometimes works too hard and fast for your own good. But mostly it’s your best asset. Your versatility can sometimes be a curse, too, but far more often it’s a blessing. Your agile tongue and flexible agenda generate more fun than trouble, and so do your smooth maneuvers and skillful gamesmanship. As wonderful as all these qualities can be, however, I suggest that you work on expanding your scope in 2016. In my astrological opinion, it will be a good time for you to study and embody the magic that the water signs possess. What would that mean exactly? Start this way: Give greater respect to your feelings. Tune in to them more, encourage them to deepen and figure out how to trust them as sources of wisdom.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Swedish movie director Ingmar Bergman won three Academy Awards and was nominated for eight others.

Numerous filmmakers have cited him as an important influence on their work. His practical success was rooted in his devotion to the imagination. “I am living permanently in my dream, from which I make brief forays into reality,” he said. Can you guess his astrological sign? Cancer the Crab, of course! No other tribe is better suited at moving back and forth between the two worlds. At least potentially, you are virtuosos at interweaving fantasy with earthy concerns. The coming year will afford you unprecedented opportunities to further develop and use this skill.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Avoid pain and pursue pleasure. Be kind, not cruel. Abstain from self-pity and ask for the help you need. Instead of complaining, express gratitude. Dodge time-wasting activities and do things that are meaningful to you. Shun people who disrespect you and seek the company of those who enjoy you. Don’t expose yourself to sickening, violent entertainment; fill your imagination up with uplifting stories. Does the advice I’m offering in this horoscope seem overly simple and obvious? That’s no accident. In my opinion, what you need most in 2016 is to refresh your relationship with fundamental principles.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Many of the atoms that compose your flesh and blood were not part of your body 12 months ago. That’s because every year, 98 percent of you is replaced. Old cells are constantly dying, giving way to new cells that are made from the air, food and water you ingest. This is true about everyone, of course. You’re not the only one whose physical form is regularly recycled. But here’s what will be unique about you in 2016: Your soul will match your body’s rapid transformations. In fact, the turnover is already underway. By your next birthday, you may be so new you’ll barely recognize yourself. I urge you to take full charge of this opportunity! Who do you want to become?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The English word “ain’t” can mean “am not,” “is not,” “are not” or “have not.” But it ain’t recognized as a standard word in the language. If you use it, you risk being thought vulgar and uneducated. And yet “ain’t” has been around since 1706, more than 300 years. Most words that are used for so long eventually become official. I see your journey in 2016 as having resemblances to the saga of “ain’t,” Libra. You will meet resistance as you seek greater acceptance of some nonstandard but regular part of your life. Here’s the good news: Your chances of ultimately succeeding are much better than ain’t’s.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) My old friend John owns a 520-acre farm in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. Blueberries are among the crops he grows. If he arranges their growing season so that they ripen in July, he can sell them for $1.75 a pint. But if he designs them to be ready for harvest in late summer and early fall, the price he gets may go up to $4 a pint.

You can guess which schedule he prefers. I urge you to employ a similar strategy as you plot your game plan for 2016, Scorpio. Timing may not be everything, but it will count for a lot.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In 1803, the U.S. government bought a huge chunk of North American land from the French government. At a price of three cents per acre, the new republic doubled its size, acquiring what’s now Louisiana, Montana and everything between. I don’t think you’ll add that much to your domain in 2016, Sagittarius, but it’s likely you will expand significantly. And although your new resources won’t be as cheap as the 1803 bargain, I suspect the cost, both in terms of actual cash and in emotional energy, will be manageable. There’s one way your acquisition will be better than that earlier one. The Americans bought and the French sold land they didn’t actually own—it belonged to the native people—whereas your moves will have full integrity.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The coming year will be a favorable time for you to nourish a deeper devotion to truth, beauty and goodness.

Anything you do to make your morality more rigorous will generate benefits that ripple through your life for years to come. Curiously, you can add to the propitious effect by also cultivating a deeper devotion to fun, play and pleasure. There is a symbiotic connection between the part of you that wants to make the world a better place and the part of you that thrives on joy, freedom and wonder.

Here’s the magic formula: Feed your lust for life by being intensely compassionate, and vice versa.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I predict that 2016 will be your Year of Fruitful Obsessions.

In giving this positive spin to the cosmic tendencies, I’m hoping to steer you away from any behavior that might lead to 2016 being your Year of Fruitless Obsessions.

One way or another, I think you’ll be driven to express your passions with single-minded intensity. Focused devotion—sometimes verging on compulsive preoccupation—is likely to be one of your signature qualities.

That’s why it’s so important to avoid wasteful infatuations and confounding manias. Please choose fascinations that are really good for you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Your symbol of power in 2016 will be the equal sign (=).

Visualize it in your mind’s eye every morning for 20 seconds. Tattoo it on your butt. Write it on an index card that you keep under your pillow or on your bathroom mirror.

Gestures like these will deliver highly relevant messages to your subconscious mind, like “Create balance and cultivate harmony!” and “Coordinate opposing forces!” and “Wherever there is tension between two extremes, convert the tension into vital energy!” Here are your words of power in 2016: “symbiosis” and “synergy.”

Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.

GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA SATIRE Attack of the Cookie Monster Store-bought confections are good enough for Santa, and for me.

I

was recently approached by someone who should have known better to take part in a fancy, high society Christmas cookie exchange. I was to appear with four dozen of my very best favorite cookies and exchange them with someone else’s very best favorite cookies. I told the cookie people that I didn’t bake, but maybe I had a couple boxes of Girl Scout cookies around.

They were horrified and told me that storebought cookies were not acceptable. In case you don’t know, “store-bought” is a way of saying that you are too lazy and stupid to do anything yourself. They’re right.

This reminded me of the time in my hometown of Corn Cob, Iowa, that the church ladies from all the churches got together and decided that they would have a big Christmas bazaar with cookies and baked goods and stuff. At the time it sounded like a good idea. All the churches were to decide what they would like to do to show how they celebrated Christmas. If you know anything about church ladies, it was all downhill after that.

The Episcopalians decided that they would have high tea like the Queen and serve those little cucumber sandwiches.

Everyone sniffed and said there was nothing “Christmasy” about that, and they had been watching too much PBS. This opened the door for the Norwegian Lutherans to want to serve lutefisk and lefse, and the German Lutherans to want to serve sauerkraut and sausages. The committee gagged and proclaimed that there was to be boiled fish and no sauerkraut, nothing smelly and disgusting Worst was to come when the little Slovenian ladies wanted to serve their very favorite: a roasted pig head decorated with candy, or they could just serve it boiled.

It made a great centerpiece. The decree came down, no centerpieces made of animal parts.

If that wasn’t enough, the Swedish Lutherans announced that they were going to celebrate St. Lucia’s Day. On Christmas day, the oldest girl in the family dresses as St. Lucia in a white dress and serves the family cookies and coffee. She also wears a crown of burning candles. The Swedes were told that there was to be no flammable

Galloping Grandma, a few years back (1933), product testing a cake for the bake sale.

heads and to tell Lucy to stay home. This infuriated the local madrigal singers who were going to sing carols and then light a plum pudding that had been soaked in brandy. They forgot that the last time they tried this, the pudding exploded and they were picking raisins out of everything for weeks.

To top everything off, Mimsy Mingle, the queen of the vegan-no-gluten-no-taste crowd, insisted that she should be able to show off her goodies made of boiled kale and ground burlap, or something like that.

She even had a chocolate cake made out of cauliflower. The committee stuck her in the corner with the Episcopalians and their cucumber sandwiches.

I guess everyone survived the bazaar, but someone’s dog ate all the Swedish cookies and the First Baptists ran over the Second Baptist’s cake display in the parking lot. I even heard that someone was selling snickerdoodle cookies frosted with four-letter words, but it was just a rumor, I think.

I’m going to skip the cookie thing and just sit home with my Thin Mints and Samoas and watch something cheesy on TV. I’m sure Santa never complained about store-bought cookies and neither will I. Those ladies are nuts. PJH

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DECEMBER 23, 2015 | 39

THE BOARDROOM

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| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

was the night before Christmas in my trailer house.

I was trying to unbutton a pretty girl’s blouse.

She was a Westbank girl, her name was Claire, I had hopes that soon she would be totally bare!

The incensed candle was lit next to the bed While visions of lust danced in my head.

“Time for a drink,” I said with a snap, And poured some Bud Lite for our nightcap.

“You got to be kidding,” she said, her rage made her look hotter.

“I didn’t move to Wyoming just to drink water.”

I didn’t know what to say to one so refined, I felt there was no way out of this bind.

Then out on the lawn there arose such a sound, I knew my solution had just been found.

Her cool hip friends can’t do this trick; I threw open the door and in walked Saint Nick!

He said, “Thought I’d stop for some cheer, But I see you’re still drinking that crappy lite beer.”

My Westbank lover spoke up, said, “I do pray that you have something stronger stashed on your sleigh?”

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, He said, “I have everything from Hennessey’s to sherry.

Come with me; leave this Hog Island disaster When it comes to loving I am the master!

I’ll be traveling the world so here is a thought While in Colorado we can get some good pot.”

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I wanted to punch him in spite of myself.

“I’m going with Santa,” Claire told me at last. Hog Island people are below my class.”

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work Grabbed my rifle and turned with a smirk.

I walked out on the porch, next to the wall Then blast away, blast away, blast away all.

I shot Dasher and Dancer a nd Pra ncer a nd V i xen and Comet and Cupid and Dunder and Blixem; I butchered Prancer and cranked up the grill.

Claire invited over her best friend named Jill.

We feasted on reindeer and drank Santa’s good booze.

The girls showed us all their tattoos.

Santa said, “It’s all for the best.

This Christmas Eve gig has me all stressed.

Kids no longer want toys handmade by elves, They want video games they can play by themselves.”

So Santa moved in, a few trailers away He went to Browse and Buy to drop off his sleigh.

His elves were thrown out in the street, I sent them reindeer jerky for something to eat.

We’ve become even closer, Santa and I. And some evenings we look in the sky He remembers the times he flew around the globe A fat man and reindeer changed to a space probe.

And he began to fit in to Hog Island life, He bought a truck and got rid of his wife.

And I heard him exclaim one cold Christmas night, “Fetch me a can of delicious Bud Lite.”

PJH

40 | DECEMBER 23, 2015

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |