Planet JH 1.27.16

JACKSON HOLE’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE | PLANETJH.COM | JANUARY 27-FEBRUARY 2, 2016

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2 | JANUARY 27, 2016

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JACKSON HOLE'S ALTERNATIVE VOICE

VOLUME 14 | ISSUE 3 | JANUARY 27-FEBRUARY 2, 2016

10 COVER STORY LABOR PAINS When the valley’s promised land of milk and money turns sour for foreign workers.

Cover illustration by Cal Brackin.

4 OPINION

20 WELL, THAT

6 THE BUZZ

23 FOODIE FILES

14 CREATIVE PEAKS

28 COSMIC CAFE

18 MUSIC BOX

30 SATIRE

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January 27, 2016

By Meteorologist Jim Woodmencey

T

his is the last week of January, and typically January will finish off strong with cold temperatures. Although, there are years when it will present itself with one of those infamous “January Thaws”. Last year we had a couple of days at the end of the month that got pretty warm, like the high of 44-degrees on January 28th, 2015. That was just a precursor to the real thaw that showed up and lasted all of February. Let’s hope we don’t see a repeat of that in 2016.

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January 1979 was the coldest January on record in Jackson. The month started cold, with a low temperature of 50 below zero on New Year’s Day. And the month ended cold, with a low of 42 below zero on January 31st.

The coldest temperatures recorded during the first two days in February were 44 & 36 below zero on February 1st and 2nd, respectively, that happened back in 1956.

When we are talking “hot” in January that is a relative term. The last week of January in 1987, and again in 1992, we had temperatures soar to 49-degrees in Town. That is nothing compared to the last week of January in 1925: each of the last six days of the month temperatures were in the 50’s.

The hottest day was January 31st, 1925 with an afternoon high of 58-degrees. January 1925 is still the warmest January we ever had.

AVERAGE PRECIPITATION: 1.5 inches RECORD PRECIPITATION: 4.9 inches (1969) AVERAGE SNOWFALL: 19 inches RECORD SNOWFALL: 56 inches (1969)

Carpet - Tile - Hardwood - Laminate Blinds - Shades - Drapery Mon - Fri 10am - 6pm Open Tuesdays until 8pm 1705 High School Rd Suite 120 Jackson, WY 307-200-4195 www.tetonfloors.com | www.tetonblinds.com

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 3

Jim has been forecasting the weather here for more than 20 years. You can find more Jackson Hole Weather information at www.mountainweather.com

WHAT’S COOL WHAT’S HOT

NORMAL HIGH 29 NORMAL LOW 4 RECORD HIGH IN 1925 58 RECORD LOW IN 1956 -44

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JH ALMANAC

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4 | JANUARY 27, 2016

GUEST OPINION Public Sector’s Bad Rap Knee-jerk attacks on big government need to be examined.

BY PETE MULDOON

A

mong the many things Americans are noted for is a widespread antipathy towards government. This hostility is not unfounded; our government has the ability to imprison and even execute its citizens. Indeed, over the last couple of centuries it has shown it won’t hesitate to violently stifle dissent that threatens the establishment status quo.

But with the exception of the newly resurgent leftist wing of the polity, most of our aversion to government seems to spring, oddly enough, from a fear of government services.

Many of us have seen the meme circulating that jokingly warns: “A Snowplow Just Went By My House! Will This Socialist Tyranny NEVER END?!” It’s always good for a laugh whenever the East Coast gets a couple inches of snow.

Real-life variations on this theme abound. Instead of getting upset about the NSA collecting virtually all of our private information, we hear panicked warnings about the tyranny of government-provided health care. While other (more) advanced countries consider public services as a good thing, many Americans reflexively view them as, at best, a horrible waste of money, and yearn for the day when the private sector can do everything itself. Ronald Reagan, in his first inaugural address, famously said, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.”

But is this true?

Believing that the private sector can automatically do things better than the public requires some pretty far-fetched assumptions. The two biggest ones are: 1) That public employees are fundamentally flawed human beings, and 2) That the benefits provided by “free market” competition more than compensate for its costs.

The idea that public employees are somehow flawed is

easily dismissed. Government employees oversee, among many other things, an aviation industry that has a stupendously impressive safety record. Government does many, many things… and does them well. And it’s not exactly restricted to hiring solely from a pool of incompetent people.

Yet people somehow believe that humans are fundamentally changed because they are being paid with public funds instead of private. Refusing to properly fund government agencies and then complaining that they can’t get the job done is a common tactic among private sector proponents who enjoy watching the public sector fail.

The more widespread belief seems to be that the private sector is more efficient because of competition. This is worth examining in more detail.

On its face, the public sector should be a more efficient way of delivering services to the public.

Consider the alignment of goals. When the public decides to create an agency to deliver health care, for example, its goal is to deliver health care. When a for-profit corporation decides to get into the health care business, its goal is not to provide health care; its goal is to make money. Providing good health care is often an obstacle in this pursuit, and is certainly not the primary consideration. Anyone who has fought an insurance company over treatment knows this all too well.

Competition – to the extent it actually exists – also means redundancy and complexity of administration. A publicly owned national cell phone service would have one board, one web site, one billing system, one network, and would benefit from economies of scale. Five privately owned companies will have five of each of those, and in the process make it extremely difficult for customers to compare services.

On top of all of that we have a class of people we compensate with huge sums of money for the service of investing our resources. We allow them to skim massive amounts of money off the top – money that we could be keeping for ourselves.

This capitalist class does no actual productive work, and the question that has to be asked is whether the service they provide (distribution of resources) is worth what it costs, because this is a service the public could also provide. (The private sector, of course, is all about competition as long as they don’t have to compete with the public.)

Against all these arguments in favor of the public sector, we have the possibility that private sector competition will be successful enough to justify its existence.

I don’t mean to underestimate the value of competition,

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which undoubtedly provides benefits as well as costs.

Unfortunately, in many industries (the airline industry for example, or health care), there are truly no competitive markets. At best many of these sectors are being rapidly consolidated and are approaching monopoly status. At this point they will be indistinguishable from a government agency with two main exceptions: they will cost more due to the wealth extraction by the capitalist class, and they will have zero public accountability.

So is the private sector better at providing goods and services than the public sector is?

The answer is that we don’t know, and that’s the point.

When it comes to universally essential services (health care for example), the private sector often simply doesn’t provide enough benefits to justify its costs. This is also true for services like policing, EMS, firefighting, military, and so forth.

When it comes to innovation, competition is much more useful. A great example would be the development of smart phones and cellular service providers. The smart phone manufacturing industry was new and dynamic, and benefitted greatly from product competition. Yet providing cell phone networks may end up being exactly the sort of boring, universally-used service that would be better provided by the public for the public’s benefit. I don’t know that it is, but neither do you.

Why does any of this matter? Well, many of us here in Jackson believe we need to increase public services, and to do that we will need to increase taxes. And the opposition comes via two arguments: It’s unfair and inefficient. Unfairness is something I won’t address here other than to say that is exactly the sort of question that needs to be resolved through the political system. But when efficiency is questioned, the answer is sometimes public investment makes more sense and sometimes it doesn’t.

We have limited resources. To utilize those resources to create the greatest public good, we can’t simply reject ideas out of hand because we have some ill-considered bias against the public sector. Those kinds of blanket ideological assumptions are childish, naive and costly. And that’s a cost we truly can’t afford. PJH

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SKI TO LIVE

I

t was another week of new snow, which means excitement is pulsing through the valley. Paired with incessant wind, this also means soft slabs have the potential to break.

Last week, I took the opportunity to absorb the thoughts of an expert during the “State of the Snowpack” talk that featured Sarah Carpenter from the American Avalanche Institute. She confirmed what I, and probably a lot of people, have been thinking. Conditions are dangerous with a persistent slab always lingering, and the potential of soft slides stepping down to the said slab. She also pointed out that most slides are occurring on our south to southeast slopes.

Unfortunately, we bore witness to this on Sunday. The slide just south of JHMR showed a 3 to 4 foot crown, killing two skiers who were knocked off a cliff and leaving one, who survived, clinging to a tree. Whether they were wearing beacons or not, they would not have survived the fall. This is a prime, incredibly unfortunate, example of what happens when you travel in

avalanche terrain without the proper knowledge.

For this upcoming week, I think we all need to realize that it’s a long winter. Already there have been too many accidents this year–nine over the last nine days across the West. Three have happened here. Our terrain choices are going to be important with more new snow expected to fall later in the week and more soft slabs forming. Skiing a high consequential run-out or terrain trap should be reconsidered.

The temperatures have been fluctuating quite a bit over these past couple weeks as well. On Monday we skied a lap off of 25 Short. The valley held it’s cold temperature, but at about 9,200 feet you could feel the sun scorching the surface snow.

Keep a level head regarding your terrain choices. This might not be the season to go big until about April, but some things can wait.

Stay safe friends and pray for snow.

– Steve Weiss

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 5

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

6 | JANUARY 27, 2016

THE BUZZ TLC Could Lose its Love Looming budget cuts threaten important literacy program.

BY NATOSHA HODUSKI

ZAC SHEPHERD

J

ackson local Edgar Lopez’s entire trajectory has changed thanks to the Family Literacy Program at Teton Literacy Center. Through adult education courses and reading clubs, he was able to pass his Journeyman Test, allowing him to begin a career as an electrician that has vastly altered his life, and the lives of his family members.

Lopez cannot stress enough the merit of these programs. “With my kids in preschool, I noticed a huge difference between my oldest daughter, who didn’t have all this help from Teton Literacy, and with my boy. He’s confident. He’s better in school in every way.

He gets along with the kids in his class. It’s just awesome.” Now Lopez sees the improvement in his daughter, too. “She’s been a part of Teton Literacy for a few years, and lately she’s been helping them out there. We get a lot from the program.” Lopez says they work hard to give back and volunteer whenever they can.

But as of last week, life-enriching programs that have helped people like Lopez and his children have come under threat. On Thursday, the Wyoming Joint Appropriations Committee announced a budget cut proposal that would slash the funds of literacy centers across Wyoming. TLC would lose approximately $200,000 (roughly one third of its budget) if state legislators do not consider how integral the center’s programs are to its community.

Last year alone, the Teton Literacy Center helped more than 512 families and 550 students program-wide.

Their services include one-on-one tutoring, afterschool enrichment programs, and family literacy–hitting every major building block of education throughout a child’s academic career.

The Family Literacy Program will take a major hit if TLC loses funding. This would exclude families across Jackson from enjoying parent ESL (English as a Second Language), basic education, and GED services to Kindergarten Readiness (an education-oriented pre-school program) and parent-child education time.

Each of these programs uniquely enables members across the community to perform better. The Kindergarten Readiness program,

Maria Romero and her son Diego work on an activity at TLC making their own version of the game “Scattergories” to play at home. for example, enriches entire classes, as students who do not have experience in an educational setting prior to kindergarten do not perform as well once they find themselves in the classroom. TLC executive director Laura West Soltua told The Planet, “If we lose the Family Literacy Program, a substantial number of children will be unprepared [for kindergarten], bringing down the quality of education for everyone in the class.”

Zach Shepherd runs the Family Literacy Program at TLC. He says he’s not willing to give up these vital programs without a fight.

“This is a statewide program, so we’re trying to develop an advocacy program on the state level, ” he said. Shepherd hopes by the end of this week literacy programs across Wyoming will have put together a plan of action to save the funds so they can continue helping Lopez and others.

“It’s a huge help in the future too,” Lopez noted of the myriad young and older folks who learn to read and write thanks to TLC. “And I think it’s for the rest of their lives, because it changes their lives. If you don’t know the language, you take what you can get. But when you learn the language, that opens doors.”

Cesar Garcia promulgates a similar story.

Through the Family Literacy Program at TLC, Garcia’s English has dramatically improved as well as his connection to the community.

Because of these things, Garcia has been able to advance at his job and become involved in the community in a way he previously thought impossible.

Garcia is not the only member of his

“When you don’t know the language, you take what you can get.”

family to have experienced an improvement in quality of life through TLC. Garcia’s children grew up in a Spanish-speaking home, but through the Family Literacy Program’s work in Kindergarten Readiness, they are able to attend traditional English-speaking classes, enabling them to connect with their classmates and advance in their academic pursuits.

“Especially in the Latino community,” Garcia told The Planet, “we always start off at home speaking Spanish, and for little kids, before school, it’s very important to have this program for people with low income because it’s pretty much free. It helps out a lot.”

For Efrain Perez, English as a Second Language courses have provided him with communication skills and the opportunity to move forward in his career. For his children, it has meant they were able to graduate from high school. Perez has found value in another service offered at the literacy center, too–a parent-child education time, where professionals teach parents how to invest in the education of their children.

“In Mexico not many of us finished schooling–we didn’t finish high school, and through Teton Literacy we are learning to help our children finish school,” he said.

Stories of lives changed by the Teton Literacy Center’s programs run hundreds, maybe thousands deep and spread across community boundaries.

“Over the past few days, we have received incredible support from the community– even support from people who have never used the program but are appalled by this [budget cut],” TLC’s Soltua noted. “That’s really inspired us to keep doing what we’re doing, because there is no other program like it.” PJH

THE BUZZ 2

the latest happenings in jackson hole

Real Talk ‘22 in 21’ ushers serious valley issues to the forefront.

BY NATOSHA HODUSKI

22 IN 21

I

Gillian Chapman, Teton County School District Superintendent, talks child homelessness during last week’s 22 in 21 conference. or perform poorly in school, Chapman said.

On a hopeful note, Chapman reported that just days after 22 in 21, community members were already offering ideas to help struggling young people. “I think it’s a broad community conversation,” she said.

Indeed, the Teton County School District cannot solely shoulder the burden of hungry kids in the community. Chapman acknowledges that it will take partnerships with myriad local nonprofits to effect change. The Salvation Army, Hole Food Rescue, and the Jackson Cupboard are all invested in this issue as well, she explained; and through community collaboration, Chapman believes food insecurity for children in Teton County can be addressed.

In a town where 43 percent of the homes in Teton County sit vacant, homelessness does not seem like it should be a problem.

But as real estate prices continue to soar, the majority of middle class families cannot afford the initial down payment on a home.

Flitner was eager to share a new solution in which the county would subsidize initial down payments on homes in exchange for deed restrictions. These deed restrictions would allow the county to regulate the resale price of the home, and require the homeowner to be employed in Teton County. This would cut down on second homeowner properties and vacation home real estate that artificially inflates the price of houses in Jackson.

Over the hill but not far away

75 percent of the households in his community, travels the pass to Jackson regularly for work. Rather than simply attempting to capture and keep local talent in Teton Valley, Potter said he wants to see a joint effort between Jackson and Victor that will support more frequent commuter buses between the two valleys. With approximately 1,250 commuters navigating the pass each day, more readily available mass transit would help reduce traffic, improve safety, and cut down on carbon emissions, Potter surmised.

Elk evolution As manager of the Elk Refuge, Steve Kalin said he wants to bring refuge policy into the 21st century. To him, this means addressing the potentially devastating effects of winter elk feeding. Legislators never specifically intended the refuge to be a feeding ground when it was created, Kalin said. According to him, there are serious inherent risks in continuing the practice. Namely, he said, “The risk of concentrating animals – creating conditions that open the door to devastating disease outbreaks – can threaten the very elk which the feeding program is designed to benefit.”

Research done on the refuge indicates that this is not an abstract possibility that could occur in the future. It is taking place right now. Brucellosis (a version of mad cow disease for elk) exists in approximately 35 percent of the elk on the refuge, but occurs less than a third as often in natural-grazing elk herds that are not artificially fed.

For all MEETING AGENDAS AND MINUTES WEEKLY CALENDAR JOB OPENINGS SOLICITATIONS FOR BIDS PUBLIC NOTICES AND OTHER VALUABLE INFORMATION

Health vs. wealth?

As 22 in 21 ushered these notions into the spotlight, Schechter opened the roundtable Q&A by offering an important reminder.

These problems, at their root, he explained, could be condensed down to the tension that transpires when short-term economic benefit is pitted against the long-term sustainability and health of the valley. PJH

Visit our website

TetonWyo.org The public meeting agendas and minutes for the Board of County Commissioners and Planning Commission can also be found in the Public Notices section of the JH News and Guide.

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 7

It’s not necessarily insufficient housing or affordable meals for students that Driggs residents fear.

“The biggest challenge to all of the communities in Teton Valley is our proximity to Jackson Hole,” said Driggs Mayor Hyrum Johnson. “Yes, Jackson is a pain in our rear.”

The draw of the Jackson dream, Johnson added, uproots great minds and great talents and pulls them toward profits and success on the other side of Teton Pass. This leaves places like Victor and Driggs to foot the bill for transportation and housing without proportional tax revenue or business investment to support it.

Victor Mayor Jeff Potter, along with nearly

pjhcalendar.com

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

s child homelessness a battle being waged in Teton County? The fifth annual “22 in 21” conference illuminated that at least 28 valley students qualify for government financial aid through the McKinney-Vento Homeless Education Assistance Act. In order to legally qualify as a homeless student in the state of Wyoming, a student either lacks sufficient night-time housing, lives in a shelter, lives in a public place not designated for sleeping (like a car), is unaccompanied or abandoned, or is awaiting foster care placement. It was just one of many issues brought to the forefront as valley leaders engaged in candid discussion last Thursday at Spring Creek Ranch.

Jonathan Schechter, executive director of Charture Institute, which hosted the conference, took a moment to light candles for change, encapsulating the meeting’s mantra –a Chinese Proverb, “It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.”

Schechter steered clear of flowery topics during a conference meant to spark important community dialogue so that child homelessness, the local economy, housing and transportation and Elk Refuge feedings could take center stage.

Teton Count y School District Superintendent Gillian Chapman presented tales of poverty that caught many officials by surprise, including Jackson Mayor Sara Flitner.

“It’s not right,” Flitner lamented. “We spend too much time on things like where to put the dog park or how to form the bike paths, and kids are going hungry or wondering where they’re going to sleep.”

Chapman pointed out that there might be more children suffering in silence as well.

“It’s humiliating to ask for help,” she said, emphasizing the struggle families face to juggle rent, transportation, food, and medical expenses in a resort town like Jackson.

“Twenty-four percent of our students are on free or reduced breakfast and lunch.”

In order to qualify for free breakfast and lunch, a household must earn less than 130 percent above the poverty line (the poverty line is about $24,000 in the U.S.). That’s $31,500 a year for a family of four – in a town where the price of a home is 261 percent above the national average.

In an interview with The Planet, Chapman explained how students with housing and food insecurities often do not handle the stress of adult problems well. Flailing from the stress of wondering where their next meal is coming from, or how long the roof over their heads will last, students often act out

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

8 | JANUARY 27, 2016

THEM ON US

By JAKE NICHOLS

Down under The Sydney Morning Herald ran a piece from Rachel Olding on the Aussie killed in Sunday’s avalanche at JHMR. Dave Hannagan, 46, was skiing with his newfound American companion from Arizona, Cathy Grimes, 36. The pair was enjoying a ski trip through Aspen, Telluride, Oregon’s Mt. Bachelor, before reaching Jackson Hole Mountain Resort.

The two reportedly met recently while Hannagan was in the U.S. traveling. The night before they were killed, Hannagan posted a photo of him and Grimes at the Cowboy Bar. It was his last post.

Hannagan was a Level 2 ski instructor and an avid surfer.

“He was just one of those real true blue people, he was just so genuine,” Hannagan’s close friend and boss Ric Serreo told the Australian paper.

Housing hell from JH to NYC Another week, another story on Jackson’s tight housing market. This time it’s the New York Times weighing in with a story written by Nick Cote that mainly centers on Colorado’s woes.

Mayor Sara Flitner was quoted for the part of the piece that mentioned Jackson Hole.

“It’s so much worse today than it’s ever been,” Flitner told the Times. “When I go to the grocery store, I see the people who are sleeping in shifts. We see the gap continuing to widen between the uppermost levels of income earners and the rest.”

The chief cause was nailed by the paper in one line: “Local officials and housing experts say it is a symptom of widening economic inequality, one that is especially sharply felt in tiny resort towns hemmed in by beautiful but undevelopable public land.”

Singing the blues Wait. Stop! Don’t read any further. Cover the rest of this item.

24/7 Wall Street just listed the most Democratic county in every state. Guess which county it is in Wyoming? OK, read on. If course, you’re right, by the way.

Because Wyoming begins with a “W” we had to do a lot of scrolling for you. It was hardly worth it. No surprise: Teton County is Wyoming bluest county with 54.7 percent of residents casting a ballot for Obama in 2012.

“That is a significant margin, given how red the state is as a whole,” wrote 24/7. “The county, which comprises a single district, has not elected a Democrat this century.”

She’s back… probably CNN, MSNBC, and The Hill were among numerous outlets to run news that Liz Cheney will announce any day that she intends to enter the race for Congress. Current House Rep. Cynthia Lummis surprised Wyomingites with the news she would retire at the end of the year. The announcement spurred immediate reaction from state Republicans looking to succeed her.

Wyoming senator Leland Christensen joined an already crowded field with his coming out last week. His campaign will be run by Annaliese Wiederspahn, the daughter of Cynthia Lummis. Christensen has received early support from fellow state legislators and local politicians.

Cheney is not likely to get a warm reception from Lummis herself. When the daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney moved to Wyoming from back east and suddenly declared she would challenge longtime Senator Mike Enzi for his seat, Lummis was less than supportive. The three-term congressman suggested Cheney run for office in Virginia rather than Wyoming.

Cheney’s short run was marred with allegations of “carpetbagger,” filing a false application for an instate Wyoming fishing license, and personal conflict with her lesbian sister. She blasted local media under the strain during a stop in Jackson when she said, directing her comment at the News&Guide, “Newspapers are dying, and that’s not a bad thing.” PJH

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NEWS

By CHUCK SHEPHERD

OF THE

Streaming News

WEIRD

The “public art” statues unveiled in January by Fort Myers, Fla., Mayor Randy Henderson included a metal structure by sculptor Edugardo Carmona of a man walking a dog, with the dog “lifting his leg” beside a pole. Only after inspecting the piece more closely did many observers realize that the man, too, was relieving himself against the pole. Carmona described the work as commentary on man and dog “marking their territory.” n A recent anonymously authored “confidential” book by a National Football League player reported that “linemen, especially,” have taken to relieving themselves inside their uniforms during games, “a sign that you’re so into the game” that you “won’t pause (even) to use the toilet.”

Can’t Possibly Be True

The popular Nell’s Country Kitchen in Winter Haven, Fla., was shut down again (for “remodeling,” the owner said) in December after a health inspector found that it had been operating for two weeks without its own running water—with only a garden hose connection, across its parking lot, to a neighbor’s spigot.

It had also closed for a day earlier in 2015 because of mold, roach activity and rodent droppings (although management insisted that business had immediately picked up the day they reopened).

Weird News One Can Actually Use

In November, a perhaps-exasperated Centers for Disease Control attempted once again to tout a startlingly effective anti-HIV drug—after a recent survey revealed that a third of primary-care doctors said they had never heard of it.

So, FYI: Truvada, taken once a day, said the CDC, gives “better than 90 percent” protection from risky gay sex and better than 70 percent protection from HIV acquired from the sharing of needles. Truvada is the only FDA-approved retroviral drug for retarding HIV (but its maker, Gilead Sciences, has declined to advertise it for that purpose).

Oklahoma Justice

In 2004, abusive boyfriend Robert Braxton Jr. was charged with badly beating up the three children of girlfriend Tondalo Hall, 20, with injuries ranging from bruises to fractured legs, ribs and a toe. Braxton got a deal from Oklahoma City prosecutors, pleaded guilty, served two years in prison and was released in 2006. Hall’s plea “bargain” resulted in a 30-year sentence for having failed to protect her kids from Braxton, and she’s still in prison—and in September 2015 (following a rejected appeal and a rejected sentence modification), the Pardon and Parole Board refused, 5-0, even to commute her sentence to a time-served 10 years.

Great Art!

Unclear on the Concept

Jamie, 29, and Abbie Hort, 21, an unemployed couple drawing housing and other government benefits, won a United Kingdom lottery prize in December 2014 worth about $72,000, promptly spent it all (including “some” on “silly” stuff, Abbie admitted), and according to a January press report, are angry now that the government will not immediately re-institute their benefits. Abbie said, as lottery winners, she and Jamie “deserved to buy some nice stuff” and go on holiday, but that now, except for the large-screen TV and Jamie’s Ralph Lauren clothes, the winnings are gone. Said Jamie, this past Christmas was just “the worst ever.”

Undignified Deaths

A 40-year-old man driving a stolen truck was killed after a brief high-speed police chase on Jan. 14 in Alameda County, California. Police noted that the man had pulled to the side of Highway 238 to flee on foot, but fell to his death off a cliff—landing on the grounds of the San Lorenzo Pioneer Cemetery.

2. A coroner’s hearing in Folkestone, England, in January determined that a 16-year-old boy had died of accidental asphyxiation from spray deodorant.

According to the boy’s mother, he preferred massive application of the spray instead of bathing, and police recovered several dozen empty spray cans in his room.

Update

n Public relations spokesman Phil Frame, 61, was arrested in Shelby Township, Mich., after a Jan. 1 Sheriff’s Office search of his computer and paper files turned up child pornography. The Detroit News reported that Frame had already been questioned about child pornography, in September, by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, and for some reason apparently was not intimidated enough (or was too lazy) to clear out his files. (The Homeland Security investigation is still ongoing.)

Marie Holmes, that 2014 Powerball winner in North Carolina whom News of the Weird had reported in September rapidly running through her winnings by bailing her boyfriend out of jail (alleged drug dealer Lamarr “Hot Sauce” McDow), had already tied up $9 million on two arrests. In January, Hot Sauce was arrested again (only for “street racing,” but that violated his bail conditions), and Holmes was forced to fork over another $12 million (as bond basically doubles with each violation, but Holmes would get about 90 percent back—if Hot Sauce shows up for court). (Holmes earlier addressed her critics on Facebook: “What y’all need to be worried about is y’all money.”)

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

A News of the Weird Classic (October 2011)

Neighbors in Inola, Okla., complained in December and January about a Union Pacific train that had been parked “for weeks” while tracks up ahead were under repair. Not only does the train block a traffic intersection, it triggers the ringing of the crossing signal. “It’s annoying, yeah,” said one resident, apparently a master of understatement. n At a ski resort in Western Vorarlberg, Austria, recently, as the ski lift was temporarily stopped (to address a problem elsewhere on the lift), one occupied lift basket came to rest directly in front of the industrial-strength artificial-snowmaking machine, drenching the two passengers in a several-minutes-long blizzard (of which, yes, Internet video exists).

Wait, What?

Refreshing the Witness: A convenience store clerk, Falguni Patel, was giving testimony in the witness box in the September (2011) trial of a man charged with robbing her in Hudson, Fla., two years earlier when she began shaking and then passed out. A relative of Patel’s approached, removed her sneaker and held it to Patel’s face, without success. The relative explained that Patel was subject to such blackouts and that sniffing the sneaker often revived her.

(After paramedics attended to her, Patel took the rest of the day off and went back to court the next morning.)

Thanks This Week to David Bryant and James White, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

Fort Worth, Texas, firefighters, responding to a suspected blaze in January at a grain elevator, encountered smoke on the structure’s eighth floor—along with a man “juggling flaming batons.” No explanation was reported (except that the man “did not belong there”). A department spokesman said his firefighters “put (the man’s) torches out.” n In December, animal protection officers in Halland County, Sweden, confiscated two cats that the officers found being “mistreated” in a home—coddled (by two women) as babies in “pushchairs” and spoon-fed while strapped in high chairs. Both cats had been encouraged to suck on pacifiers, and one woman reportedly allowed the cats to suckle her breast. The public broadcaster SVT reported that the cats were removed from the home because they were not being allowed to develop “natural animal behavior.”

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| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

Mike Wolfe, 35, of Nampa, Idaho, finally brought his dream to life for 2016—a calendar of photographs of “artistic” designs made by shaving images into his back hair. He said it took him about four months each for enough hair to grow back to give his designer-friend Tyler Harding enough to work with.

(January, for instance, features “New Year” in lettering, with two champagne glasses; July’s is a flag-like waving stripes with a single star in the upper left.)

“Calend-hairs” cost $20 each (with proceeds, Wolfe said, going to an orphanage connected to his church).

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10 | JANUARY 27, 2016

CAL BRACKIN

W

hen Oksana* arrived in America last year the very first thing she remembers was the mountains. She was awestruck by their rugged beauty. Awe turned to shock when she was shown her home for the next four months.

It was a dump, she said.

“I am from Serbia. I am not afraid of nasty places. I have lived in places not really well,” Oksana said.

She shared a bed–not a bedroom, a bed–with three other girls. Once a day they were all trucked from the rented house in Alpine to their job at a local hotel. The van driver was “many times drunk,” Oksana said.

She was promised a comfortable room with Wi-Fi. She got a trailer with no running water.

Oksana’s story is not uncommon in Jackson Hole, where temporary foreign workers are the labor lifeblood of the service industry. They are here from all around the world–cooking and cleaning for the valley’s other chief import: tourists. Thousands are here in the area on temporary work visas like the J-1 and H-2B to perform seasonal work local employers say no one else will touch.

THEY’RE COMING TO AMERICA

When it works, the guest worker program profits all.

Employers get a temp who doesn’t need benefits. Foreign nationals bank U.S. dollars and party like rock stars.

Still, the system, at its best raises questions of whether it drives down wages, contributes to unemployment, and fosters an overarching socioeconomic imbalance. At its worst, people like Oksana get steamrolled.

“The guest worker program is great in principle. It’s wonderful for everyone,” said Rosie Read. The attorney has focused heavily on immigration law in Jackson for the past seven years at Trefonas Law. “We have a shortage of people who are willing to perform harder work, more uncomfortable manual labor in the U.S., and that gap is often filled by immigrant labor. There is clearly a need as well as a will on the other side from the employees to

come take those jobs.”

Problems arise for a variety of reasons, including less than scrupulous middle agents – government sanctioned companies acting as recruiters – that sometimes misrepresent or mistreat foreigners. Federal bureaucracy, red tape and political tug-of-wars have also created a system rife with abuse and exploitation.

When workers dare complain, they are threatened with deportation. They are often too scared to seek help.

They don’t know their rights. Neither, it seems, does anyone else.

Since 2009, lawsuits involving H-2B visa regulations have turned the program into a political football. Crafted for employers by big money DC lobbyists including the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, ImmigrationWorks USA, and the National Restaurant Association, H-2Bs were once a cheap and easy way for hoteliers to hire summer housekeepers. Then a lawsuit. Then an injunction.

Another lawsuit. And a resulting enjoining.

Immigration policy becomes campaign fodder, while the feds have trouble getting out of their own way. The result of constant litigation and congressional appropriation riders has left agencies like the Department of Labor and Homeland Security wondering who has the authority to do what…and with what money?

“You are up against a big messy bureaucracy. The H-2B regulations in particular are a mess,” Read said.

“Employers aren’t happy overall with how the program is run, and from the employees’ perspective I think some protections need to be implemented. Because when things don’t go well for them here they are trapped. It needs reform from both ends.”

Reform is reportedly on the way but word is always slow to reach Wyoming. When Read took a case pro bono last summer to represent six workers from Jamaica who were unhappy with their gig at Snake River Lodge, she ran headfirst into the machine. It took days to find the right phone number. After runaround in an automated

phone system at the state capitol, Read finally found the right person only to be told there was nothing he could do.

“We were trying to find this one guy. There is one guy in the state of Wyoming who is responsible for taking these complaints, and when we finally found him he told me he didn’t think he had the authority to investigate visa cases because ‘the program was on hold,’” Read said. “I felt quite helpless. It’s sort of a grim picture as far as what recourse an unhappy temporary worker has in the U.S. during the time they are here. I told the Jamaicans they should just go home and start over with a new employer.”

Read eventually convinced someone in Cheyenne to take her complaint. It was filed. She hasn’t heard a thing since. The Jamaicans are long gone.

As Read found, protections for foreign workers are few, while finding justice for them seemingly impossible.

According to nationally recognized journalist-turnedresearcher Jerry Kammer, “The State Department has done a horrible job of protecting these people. They are supposed to look after the interests of these people but they are often ripped off and abused.”

Daniel Costa is director of Immigration Law and Policy Research at the Economic Policy Institute (EPI).

He said loopholes in immigration law continue to allow employers to exploit migrant workers. It’s an indentured servant program bordering on serfdom.

“Employers don’t need guest workers to fill labor shortages, but they hire them because guest workers become instantly deportable when fired and aren’t protected from retaliation or allowed to switch jobs if they have an abusive employer,” Costa said.

Time is not on the side of foreign workers, either.

Most are in the states for less than six months. Even if a case were looked into, the investigation would take longer than the visa term. Monetary judgment, if any, would include back pay that probably wouldn’t cover

JAKE NICHOLS

airfare back home, Read guessed.

“Sometimes the only recourse these people have, the only justice they are going to receive, is when newspapers like yours make it a story,” said Mike Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS) based in Washington, DC. Employers can do pretty much anything they want to [foreign workers] because there are no parents here to complain. Whereas, if they are stacking American kids 14 to a room they wouldn’t be able to get away with it. It all comes down to the same thing: employers import people they can control and pay less.”

SNOW JOB

Middle agencies effectively create a layer of protection for employers. When jobs or hours or housing isn’t what was promised, both parties blame the other.

Mears said her issue was with the hotels. “I am really frustrated with the powers that be there. They signed the employment contract along with the agency. But all I got was finger pointing.”

Oksana ended up quitting and going to work somewhere else. She said she liked Jackson Hole and met some really good friends. “It was bad situation. But I know that is not what America is like,” she said. “I still remember beautiful mountains.”

Vaz-Smith keeps residences in Wisconsin, Maryland, Maine, and Connecticut. Attempts to reach her were unsuccessful.

“When I did the calculations, they were making less than 4 an hour.”

VOODOO ECONOMICS

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 11

The guest worker program is tailor-made for places like Jackson Hole. The richest county in America has become a place of the “haves” and the “will nots.” Those with the means to have their every whim catered to share space with a middle class feeling too entitled to take unskilled work. That leaves bottom-feeder peons to hang sheetrock, fold sheets, and mow lawns. That pool is stretched thin with 70-hour workweeks pieced together between three jobs by hustling laborers from bedroom communities in Teton and Star valleys.

Enter Mexico, Venezuela, Argentina, and Russia to the rescue.

But are foreign workers taking jobs from locals? And do they keep wages artificially low?

Sara Saulcy, a staff economist with the Wyoming Department of Employment said, “The argument that foreign workers are employed in jobs domestic workers do not want may have credence, given that most foreign

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

Back to Oksana. She and her fellow countrymen were brought to the U.S. by a recruiting agency called American Connection, run by Linda Vaz-Smith.

When problems arose concerning the amount of hours workers were assigned, subpar housing situations, unreliable transportation, and a workplace environment filled with systematic abuse, the employer blamed VazSmith. She, in turn, claimed the hotel was at fault.

Recruiting agencies like the one Vaz-Smith owns are authorized by the federal government to match employers with employees. There is an estimated 18 licensed in the U.S. They receive fees from the employee, often in addition to recouping airfare and other expenditure layouts they make on behalf of visa seekers. Their role is as a sponsor but it comes dangerously close to worker exploitation.

“The government is not really all that strict in who they allow to do this kind of work. The standards are pretty low in the approval process required to be a recruiter or middleman, and there is almost no follow up unless you really screw up and the story gets in the news,” Krikorian said. “Congress has allowed these programs to mushroom to such a degree there is no bureaucratic structure to keep track of them. It’s basically

on the honor system.”

Read said she’s familiar with numerous problems with recruiting agencies. “[For instance], the employee is not supposed to have to pay basically anything in order to come here with an H-2B visa. But you’ll see the recruitment agencies charging them some prohibitive fees,” she said. “I’ve certainly heard of recruitment agencies doing this.”

Kenneth Goehring worked as a subcontractor for Vaz-Smith the season Oksana and others had their trouble.

He remembers that summer as a “nightmare.”

Goehring says she was unethical and unreliable and still owes him $ money.

County attorney Keith Gingery said he’s been looking for Vaz-Smith since last October. When Department of Workforce Services found Goehring was owed $1,122 in unpaid wages, Gingery called American Connection in Chicago.

“At first she tried to claim Ken didn’t technically work for her,” Gingery recalled. “Then she said she was putting a check in the mail. You know how that goes. I haven’t heard anything since.”

By August 2014, the hotel allegedly had had it with Vaz-Smith. Its HR director severed ties with the agency after 11 of their workers retained a lawyer, according to local attorney Traci Mears.

Mears took the case on behalf of the foreign contingent. “They were not being paid what they were promised. The hours far exceeded what is allowed under U.S. law and Wyoming state law,” Mears said. “When I did the calculations, they were making less than $4 an hour. Plus they were being charged $150 a week for housing and $80 a month for transportation. They had no money and no time off.”

“These kids were treated like crap,” Goehring said.

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

12 | JANUARY 27, 2016

workers are employed in low-paying jobs.”

But Krikorian counters. “If the supply of foreign workers were to dry up, employers would respond to this new, tighter labor market in two ways. One, they would offer higher wages, increased benefits, and improved working conditions. At the same time, employers would look for ways to eliminate some of the jobs they are now having trouble filling. The result would be a new equilibrium, with blue-collar workers making somewhat better money, but each one of those workers being more productive,” he said.

It’s a valid argument in the real world. But this is Teton County.

“I’ve got ads in the paper right now. I don’t care what you pay. No one is walking through the door,” said Stephen Price, general manager of Spring Creek Ranch.

“We are not taking any jobs from people, and these are good paying jobs.”

Every employer contacted by The Planet said they paid their guest workers the same rate they do locals.

Albertsons, Four Seasons, JHMR, and others all claimed pay rate was not a determining factor in choosing to go out-of-country for employees. They simply couldn’t fill the jobs from the classifieds. All denied, as well, that temporary visas were taking jobs away from Americans.

“The effects on American younger workers are significant. It allows employers to pay less but that’s not the only advantage,” Krikorian insisted. “Employers lock in the workers early in the season. They’ve filled their staffing needs so early that when American kids look for these summer jobs on college break, the jobs are gone.”

Costa said data supports the notion that foreign workers drive down wages. From 2007 to 2014, statistics from the American Community Survey show little to no wage increase in several select entry-level occupations.

“Low and stagnant wages are not the result of benign, abstract economic forces,” Costa said. “They reflect conscious policy choices by lawmakers influenced by powerful corporate lobby groups like the Chamber of Commerce and the National Restaurant Association.”

The system has inherent fraud built in.

Jackson’s seasonal ebb and f l o w necessitating resort hotels, for instance, to justify use of temporary work visas is questionable.

CIS has found an example of a local hotel that successfully petitioned the DOL for 118 H-2B workers from December 2007 to April 2008. That spring, the same hotel asked for another 118 workers from May to

the end of October, effectively providing the resort with year-round “seasonal” coverage.

BOARDING WORKER BEES

Newport Hotel Group owns some of the most exclusive lodging facilities in the country including the Snake River Lodge and Spa. But one holding you’ll never see them advertise is the Cache Creek Lodge in north Jackson. The motel was ranked dead last in TripAdvisor’s 41 lodging listings in Jackson before it was sold to Newport last year. It’s now used solely to house Snake River Lodge’s immigrant workers.

Attorney Read defended the group of Jamaican workers at the Snake River Lodge. She says rent was deducted directly from their paychecks. When the Jamaicans wanted out, resort managers allegedly told them if they left company accommodations, they would be fired.

Read ran down a list of alleged human rights violations in that case. “They were supposed to provide a certain number of hours and these employees weren’t getting enough hours. They are not supposed to be retaliated against if they complain about unsatisfactory working conditions. When one went in to complain she was sent home for the day. That’s docking wages. The rent was more expensive than they were originally told it was going to be,” she said. “They were also told they were going to be taken to Idaho Falls to get their social security cards. They kept being put off.”

Calls for Scott Alemany, Newport’s director of operations, were never returned.

Housing has always been a bitch for bosses. Spring Creek caught some flak last summer for boarding a few eastern Europeans in a rundown trailer. GM Price said the tight housing market caught him by surprise. “[During the recession], we cut back on the number of apartments we had. Then all of the sudden everything hit,” he said.

The resort is currently building dormitory-style housing onsite. The project should be ready by May and will house 30 employees.

In years past, Four Seasons has bought out the Teton Gables Motel to house their temporary visa workers.

Resort spokesperson Nina Braga said housing continues to be a difficult aspect of the program but added, “We work with them. We have some local opportunities offsite and limited housing on property.”

rather than H-2Bs. The latter has become unpopular with most local employers for a number of reasons. They are harder to get. The total number issued in the country is capped at 66,000 a year. They are also becoming increasingly more expensive, putting employers on the hook for the cost of getting employees to the US. And they require proof that an employer could not fill their needs locally.

Brian Clark, state monitor advocate for the Wyoming DOE, said H-2B use has tapered off in recent years due to “the need for new regulations from the Department of Homeland Security and the Department of Labor.” He added that the slack appears to have been taken up with increased use of J-1s.

J-1 visas are similar to H-2Bs with two major distinctions. They are designed for college students from other countries to expand their education with training in the field while in America. But these summer break ”internships” usually amount to little more than learning how to operate a conveyor dishwasher. There is also a cultural exchange component, which is largely ignored by both superior and subordinate.

“The idea that this is a cultural exchange program is completely bogus. It merely justifies a way to avoid hiring Americans,” Kammer said. “Our government has set up a system where employers don’t even need to try to find domestic help. It provides the recruitment process for the employer so they don’t even have to get into that, and to sweeten the deal there are incentives to hire foreign workers because they don’t have to pay the taxes that they would on fulltime workers.

It’s a $150 million industry American employers have become addicted to.”

Mary Erickson, who heads the Community Resource Center where foreigners regularly show up for assistance, said the system creates a burden on social services.

“The J-1 is supposed to be an educational exchange but I don’t see that happening. It’s really just labor,” Erickson said. “I believe in the goodness of people but some of these employers and middlemen have been continuously stretching the rules as much as they can.

And what ends up happening is these workers come to us and it’s a strain on our services. We are really not set up to take care of transients. We are intended to take care of long-term members of the community.”

The Good Samaritan Mission has been inundated lately with bewildered Puerto Ricans who say they were promised jobs at the Four Seasons. When they arrived in Jackson, the jobs mysteriously vanished.

“We have five or six staying with us,” said the Mission’s Brad Christensen. “They said they were

“The idea that this is a cultural exchange program is completely bogus.

It merely justifies a way to avoid hiring Americans.”

BRACERO DE NUEVO

Price said Spring Creek has migrated toward J-1 visas

CAL BRACKIN

ATTORNEY ROSIE READ

as a source of cheap imported labor in the US. Pew Research Center analysis of Census Bureau data found 84,000 people left Puerto Rico for the US mainland in 2011. NACLA estimates the number could be closer to 200,000, annually.

“Puerto Rico’s nearly decade-long economic recession has led to people leaving the island for the mainland in numbers not seen in more than 50 years,” the Pew report stated. There were 1,026 Puerto Ricans documented living in Wyoming according to the 2010 Census.

SYNTHETICALLY WESTERN

The effect of guest worker programs in Jackson Hole is a handiworked “Devil’s Bargain,” Hal Rothman describes in his book of the same title. In it, Rothman portrays luxury resort towns like Jackson as modified tourist communities. A place where “neo-natives, attracted to the original traits of a transformed place, have moved in and created a community very different from the one established by locals who came before them.”

A few years ago, the News&Guide ran a poll asking citizens what the new slogan for Jackson Hole should be since the sign at the top of the pass – “Yonder lies the Last of the Old West” – was beginning to show its teeth. The paper jokingly suggested a replacement: “Jackson Hole, where California plays and Mexico works.”

Jackson Hole Mountain Resort is employing about 52 foreign workers this winter on J-1 visas. They hire about the same amount for summer. In past years, JHMR has employed more than 250 international workers at any given time. Human Resource director Nicola James said they gave up on H-2Bs back in 2007. JHMR has an in-house recruiter who regularly visits countries like Argentina. She works with a middle agency called Universal Student Exchange.

Albertsons typically hires around 80 foreign temps a year. Xanterra, concessionaire for Yellowstone and Grand Teton parks, typically hire 1,000 or more guest workers. Other valley businesses using international laborers include numerous restaurants, smaller hotels, construction firms, lawn care companies, and dude ranches.

The result? Many employers and employees alike are happy with visa programs. They suit Jackson Hole’s crunch seasons with little overhead. They have, however, arguably created a fabricated faux Jackson Hole. An ersatz community of waiters and the waited upon.

And Oksana, for one, is never coming back. PJH

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

*Not her real name.

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 13

ATTORNEY TRACI MEARS

recruited by a company called MMI and promised jobs at the Four Seasons, then abandoned when they got here.

They weren’t happy.”

Christensen said he’s contacted Access for Justice who said they are interested in taking up a case for the misplaced migrants.

Four Seasons spokesperson Braga says the hotel has not hired anyone directly from Puerto Rico but acknowledged they do sometimes work with a third party contractor called The Service Companies, an outsourcing company The Planet learned acquired MMI in 2014.

The Service Companies’ corporate director of human resources, Nikki Bernal explained how her firm works and said she wanted a chance to set the record straight.

“MMI is not a temporary staffing agency, we are an outsourcing company working directly with the Puerto Rican government,” Bernal said.

She added that MMI hires their own employees after a background check and drug testing. They are then assigned to property locations throughout the United States.

“We only recruit in areas where it is difficult to find employees. The labor pool in Jackson Hole, as you know, is very limited,” Bernal said. “There is nobody who comes to Jackson through us without a job, and our intention is certainly not to burden the city of Jackson or the state of Wyoming with our workers.”

Bernal added that MMI pays airfare for each employee to Jackson. They are housed each with their own room.

They are paid $10 an hour to start. They are prepared for conditions in Wyoming and winter clothing is purchased for them by MMI. “We had a property in Jackson that closed for a month.

We were able to keep eight of our employees there deep cleaning. I moved 12 others to another hotel we service in Jackson Hole. Seven others were moved to Colorado to work a hotel there and some went back home for a while,” she said.

Bernal admitted some employees choose to leave her employment after they arrive. They sometimes find better paying jobs. Once their employment with MMI is terminated, they must surrender housing within 48 hours but Bernal said she understands the hardship of finding housing and has often let employees stay as long as two weeks until they can find something.

Erickson said hiring Puerto Ricans is a new trend she is seeing at the Four Seasons and Hotel Terra. These laborers are technically US citizens who do not need a visa to enter the country.

“Their economy is in the toilet. They are coming to the states in droves,” Erickson said. “They don’t have to go through the whole visa process, all they have to do is just get here. The problem is some are promised jobs and housing and some aren’t. They are completely unprepared. They show up here without winter coats or boots.”

The North American Congress on Latin America (NACLA) reports Puerto Rico is second only to Mexico

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

14 | JANUARY 27, 2016

CREATIVE PEAKS Stage Savoir-Faire Renowned storytellers bring Moth Mainstage to the Center.

BY KELSEY DAYTON

T

here is only one thing you have to do when you attend the Moth Mainstage: Listen.

If you can abandon expectations, forget about your cell phone, and let the stories told onstage wash over and captivate you. It can change your perspective on how you see the world.

“It can be transformative,” said Peter Aguero, who will host the Moth Mainstage, a show featuring five storytellers at the Center for the Arts on Friday.

Through the ages, around campfires and dining tables, storytelling has brought people together.

About 20 years ago, writer George Dawes Green founded the Moth. Green grew up in the South telling stories with friends on the porch. These weren’t mere conversations, but each one wove true tales, said Jennifer Hixson, a senior producer with the Moth.

A hole in the screen allowed moths to come inside and the group started calling themselves “The Moths.”

When Green moved to New York City, he missed those nights out on the porch.

“People don’t give each other that kind of space in the city,” Hixson said.

He started hosting storytelling nights at his apartment and they took off, turning into public events and eventually shaping the Moth Mainstage, which now tours the country.

“It feels like theater, except that it’s true; and because it’s true, it feels especially intimate,” Hixson said.

Each person in the cast of five tells a story onstage.

The lineup coming to Jackson includes Adam Mansbach, who wrote “Go the F**k to Sleep,” and several other books. He’ll tell a story about how writing that book changed him.

“Get ready for this one, it’s a good one,” Hixson said.

Danusia Trevino will tell a story about how jury duty changed the way she saw certain things. Dame Wilburn visited a fortuneteller who told her she was cursed. Not only did it seem to explain her life, she realized she had to take the curse into her own hands,

The Moth Mainstage makes a stop in Jackson to celebrate the power of storytelling.

Hixson said. Chenjerai Kumanyika is a successful musician with a rap hit.

The Moth always includes one local person in the program. Ian McGregor will share a story involving kids and wildlife.

McGregor remembers hearing older people tell stories at events when he was a young kid growing up in Jackson. As he got older those moments disappeared – he’s not sure if it’s because he started doing other things, or those people who used to gather the kids and tell the tales were gone.

He missed hearing stories until he started listening to books on tape and podcasts, like the Moth, while skiing. He’d often tell stories of his own to his friends, or whoever would listen.

Hixson heard about McGregor through a friend.

“He said ‘He’s the most gregarious bastard I’ve ever met,’” Hixson said. “And I thought, ‘Well that bodes well.’”

Hixson first saw a Moth show in 1999 in New York City. The intimacy of the show made it feel like she was watching a mix of live theater and documentary. By the end of the night she felt like she was friends with the cast, even though she hadn’t met them.

That feeling of sitting around a campfire with friends is what the show aims to create.

“It gets people sharing extraordinary moments from their life that both seem familiar and out of this world,” she said.

While the format stays the same, each show is always different, host Aguero said.

Some are upbeat. Some are somber. People tell stories of triumphs and disasters.

“It’s kind of a roller coaster,” he said.

It’s meant to be a way for people to take two hours and shut out whatever they are dealing with in their own lives and just listen, he said. By simply listening, people reconnect with their own memories, but also realize how alike we all are as human beings, Aguero said.

“A lot of the stories on the surface may seem to be about significant experiences in people’s lives, and at first light they might seem totally unique to that person But stories, at their core, are about emotion. They are about truth. They are about fear, sadness, triumph or anger, or confusion, and those are things that everyone feels,” he said. “These stories take an individual experience and make it universal, and at the end of the night you feel not so alone.”

The show brings in storytellers from all walks of life and from across the country, but the Moth didn’t invent storytelling, Aguero said. There are people telling stories around the world, including in Jackson. The Moth is meant to remind people about the power of stories.

“And hopefully people will get a hunger to then hear more stories,” he said. “It’s a really great way to get connected to the people around you.”PJH The Moth Mainstage, 7 p.m., Friday, Center Theater at the Center for the Arts, $55 to $75. jhcenterforthearts.org.

2016 MOUNTAIN STATES REGIONAL USA YOGA ASANA CHAMPIONSHIP THIS WEEK: January 27-February 2, 2016

WEDNESDAY JAN. 27

n Andy Frasco & the UN 10:30pm, Town Square Tavern, $10.00, 307-733-3886 n Matt Flinner Trio Dornans, $8.00 - $15.00

THURSDAY JAN. 28

n Kettlebells 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, Free, 307-733-6398 n Yoga 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Intermediate/Advanced Ballet @ Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Teton Valley Great Snow Fest 10:00am, Downtown Driggs, Free, 208-201-5356 n Tech Tutor 10:00am, Teton County Library, Free, 733-2164 ext. 218 n Curious Kids 10:15am, Jackson Hole Children’s Museum, $8.00, 206733-3996 n Storytime 10:30am, Teton County Library Youth Auditorium, Free, 307733-2164 n Storytime 11:00am, Teton County Library Youth Auditorium, Free, 307733-2164 n EVSE Rebate Lunch and Learn 11:30am, Jackson Whole Grocer, Free, 303-483-8207 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 12:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Cribbage 1:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Driggs, Free, 208-354-5522 n National Elk Refuge Birding Excursion 1:00pm, Jackson Hole & Greater Yellowstone Visitor Center, 307201-5406 n Freestyle Skating 3:00pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633

Hosted by WY Yoga Sports Club and Inversion Yoga wyyogasportsclub@gmail.com / 307.231.2716 Registration for all Athletes Due January 28, 2016 Doors Open at 3pm - Performances start at 4pm PINK GARTER THEATRE: YOGA ON THE STAGE! 50 W Broadway, Jackson, WY

Admission at the Door

$10

Jackson Hole Travel and Tourism Board - Teton Spirit Connection - Bikram North Shore Wind River Yoga - Antler Inn - K & K PR - 49er Inn - Healthy Being Juicery Medicine Wheel Wellness - Hot Power Yoga Laramie - We Are Yoga - Everywear Teton Yoga Shala - The Reiki Room - LaLa Land - Modern Yogi - Yoga+Wellness

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 15

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 19

n Snowflakes 3:30pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $40.00 - $50.00, 307-733-6379 n Apres with Maw Band 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Fine European Brandy Tasting 5:30pm, VOM FASS Jackson Hole, $10.00, 307-699-7282 n DIVE: Dumpster Diving Documentary & Rescued Food Buffet 5:30pm, Senior Center, $8.00, 307-733-7300 n Evening Yoga 6:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Cribbage Club 6:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library Driggs, Free, 208-3545522 n Barbara Trentham Life Drawing 6:00pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $10.00, 307-7336379 n Winter Meet & Greet 6:00pm, Morning Star Assisted Living of Jackson Hole, Free, 307-734-0500 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Bridge 6:30pm, Old Wilson Schoolhouse, Free, 307-413-9507 n Donation Dry Needling Clinic 6:30pm, Medicine Wheel Wellness, Dontation, 307-699-7480 n Salsa at Dancers’ Workshop 7:00pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n STACKHOUSE 7:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Tavern Trivia 7:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886 n Songwriter’s Alley 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-733-2190 n Tribal Seeds 8:00pm, Pink Garter Theatre, $20.00, 307-733-1500 n Mike Dillon and the New Orleans Vikings 9:00pm, Knotty Pine, $10.00, 208-787-2866

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 2016

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

n Boot Camp 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Pilates Mat Classes at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-739-9025 n Yoga 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Teton Valley Great Snow Fest 10:00am, Downtown Driggs, Free, 208-201-5356 n Toddler Gym 10:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-739-9025 n Tech Tutor 10:00am, Teton County Library, Free, 733-2164 ext. 218 n Story TIme 10:00am, Valley of the Tetons Library, Free, 208-787-2201 n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Fables, Feathers, and Fur 10:30am, National Museum of Wildlife Art, Free, 307-733-5771 n Lap Sit 11:00am, Valley of the Tetons Library, Free, 208-787-2201 n Ladies Day Wednesdays 11:00am, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Suicide Prevention Training 12:00pm, St. John’s Medical Center Moose Wapiti Room, Free, 307-264-1536 n Total Fitness 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Ranger-led Snowshoe Hike 1:30pm, Grand Teton National Park, Free, 307-739-3399 n Freestyle Skating 3:00pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Free Tax Prep: Volunteer Training Advanced Tax Preparers 3:00pm, Teton County Library Computer Lab, Free, 307-7332164 n Chess Club: Grades K to 12 3:30pm, Teton County Library Youth Auditorium, Free, 307733-2164 x118

Compiled by Caroline Zieleniewski

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

16 | JANUARY 27, 2016

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PRIZES Dinner for 2 at Snake River Grill

One Night Stay at Teton Mountain Lodge, Dinner for 2 at Spur and 2 Massages

$75 Gift Card to Lotus Cafe

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 17

RULES

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| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

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SPORTS, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

18 | JANUARY 27, 2016

MUSIC BOX Wild for John Wayne’s World Instrumental jazz-funksoul project expands scope with vocalist.

BY AARON DAVIS @ScreenDoorPorch

D

rummer John Wayne Harris, Jr. has been the backbone in several local music projects since moving to the valley a handful of years ago—Elk Attack, Mandatory Air, Canyon Kids, Uncle Stack & the Attack, Freda Felcher, and Maddy & the Groove Spots among them. A drummer as bandleader, or moreover a drummer to have his name on the marque, is unfortunately rare. Harris has the chops, though, as well as the vision and the big picture that is John Wayne’s World (JWW).

“I’m a big fan of the current funk and soul revival happening from coast to coast,” Harris said. “As a drummer, the most satisfying element of this kind of music is creating textures of groove that make people feel what your doing on stage from the ground up. Two of my favorite drummers are Adam Deitch (Lettuce) and Robert Searight (Snarky Puppy) whom I’ve been fortunate enough to take lessons from.”

Core members of JWW were in flux during the band’s first year. Whenever Harris booked a club gig he would often post an open invitation on the Jackson Hole Musicians Facebook page inviting jazz and funk musicians— both local and passers-through—to bring their instrument and sit in. Soon, Harris’ core lineup became more concrete with longtime wingman Adam Wooley on bass, Michael Evans on guitar, and keyboardist Mark Longfield. Before opening for New Mastersounds at the Pink Garter last winter, Harris gave a then-snapshot of their focus on instrumental music.

“We are re-creating classic and contemporary material from instrumental jazz/ funk icons such as The Meters, John Scofield, Medeski Martin and Wood, Grant Green, Soulive, Greyboy Allstars and Snarky Puppy.

The project is a chance for us to stretch out our musical limbs and put our chops on display with a strong emphasis on heavy, danceable grooves.”

Fast-forward a year. Harris has found a “weapon” in newcomer Sheena Dhamsania, JWW’s new vocalist. Dhamsania holds a BA in bassoon performance and music education from Michigan State, and she sang with a ten-piece salsa band during that time. She also plays bass guitar and teaches music at Wilson Elementary.

“We are her students,” Harris said of Dhamsania. “Our little intermingling corner of the scene has really taken notice of Sheena’s abilities.”

Harris explained the new direction, which includes the addition of homegrown compositions and, of course, vocal-based material. “Right now the set is about 50/50 original to cover. The original stuff is heavily influenced by New Orleans funk and R&B, and Brooklyn soul-jazz. The cover material with Sheena is mostly classic and neo-soul based…Stevie Wonder and Donny Hathaway to Erykah Badu and Lianne La Havas.”

John Wayne’s World now includes the vocal prowess of Sheena Dhamsania.

John Wayne’s World, 10 p.m., Saturday at The Rose (free). Residency continues Feb. 13, 25 & March 12, 26. Also 9:30 p.m., Feb. 5 at the Mangy Moose ($5). PinkGarterTheatre.com, 733-1500.

‘Montucky’ kitchen grass Montana is currently a hotbed for the traditional-meets-prog-grass bands and Bozeman’s Kitchen Dwellers are certainly a part of that. Though they sport a classic bluegrass lineup of banjo, mandolin, fiddle, guitar and upright bass, the quintet brings to mind Midwesterners Greensky Bluegrass in their approach—not afraid to stretch with jam and folk elements in mind, yet maintaining the energy of Bill Monroe’s fire. They self-describe it as “a trip to outer bluegrass.”

After a local stop, they’ll roll into Big Sky Big Grass Fest next weekend with Sam Bush, David Grisman and a dozen other acts.

Kitchen Dwellers, 10 p.m., Saturday at Town Square Tavern ($5) and 3 to 6 p.m., Friday at The Trap Bar at Grand Targhee (free).

Flinner brings Traveling Roots Over the course of two albums and a few shows at Dornan’s in recent years, the Matt Flinner Trio’s teeter between jazz, bluegrass and avant-garde has been highlighted by it’s “music du jour” concept—drawing on

whatever inspires them that day to compose a new tune and then performing it that evening. This time around, the instrumental trio of Matt Flinner (mandolin), Eric Thorin (bass) and Ross Martin (guitar) bring “Traveling Roots,” an album that refocuses, delivering compositions beyond the single day concept.

“I feel that our goal as musicians should be to try to add some bit of beauty to the world,” Flinner explained. “I see this as our small, esoteric string band bluegrass-jazznew acoustic living on the 17th-moon-of-Saturn contribution to that.” PJH Matt Flinner Trio, 8 p.m., Wednesday at Dornan’s. $15. 733-2415.

PLANET PICKS

WED: Matt Flinner Trio (Dornan’s); Tribal Seeds with The Skints & The Steppas (Pink Garter Theatre); Andy Franco & the UN (Town Square Tavern); Mike Dillon Band (Knotty Pine); THURS: Ballyhoo (Town Square Tavern); SAT: John Wayne’s World (The Rose); Kitchen Dwellers (Town Square Tavern); SUN: Major Zephyr (Mangy Moose).

Aaron Davis is a songwriting troubadour, multi-instrumentalist, founding member of Screen Door Porch and Boondocks, and host of Songwriter’s Alley.

FRIDAY JAN. 29

n Boot Camp 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Citrus Fest: Storewide Tastings, Live Music & Fun for Kids!

7:00am, Jackson Whole Grocer & Cafe, Free, 307-733-0450 n 6th Annual WinterFest 8:00am, Various Locations, 307-733-3316 n Toddler Gym 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-739-9025 n bootybarre® at Dancers’ Workshop 9:00am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Yoga 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Portrait Drawing Club 9:00am, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $10.00, 307-733-6379 n Ballet Workout at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 10:00am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Teton Valley Great Snow Fest 10:00am, Downtown Driggs, Free, 208-201-5356 n Toddler Gym 10:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-739-9025 n College Freeskiing Competition 10:00am, Grand Targhee Resort, $125.00, 307-353-2300

n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Curious Kids 10:15am, Jackson Hole Children’s Museum, $8.00, 206733-3996 n Imagination Detectives 11:15am, Jackson Hole Children’s Museum, $25.00 - $55.00, 307-733-3996 n Yoga 12:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Feathered Friday 12:00pm, Jackson Hole & Greater Yellowstone Visitor Center, Free, 307-201-5433 n Total Fitness 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Story Time 1:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library Driggs, Free, 208-3545522 n Lego Club 1:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Driggs, Free, 208-354-5522 n Ranger-led Snowshoe Hike 1:30pm, Grand Teton National Park, Free, 307-739-3399 n Kitchen Dwellers 3:00pm, Trap Bar & Grill, Free, 800-TARGHEE n Italian Cooking Class 3:00pm, Spring Creek Ranch House, $122.00, 307-733-8833 n Pica’s Margarita Cup 3:30pm, Snow King Resort, , 307-733-6433 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Ladies Night Fridays 5:00pm, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Friday Night Meditation 6:00pm, Zendler Chiropractic, Free, 307-699-8300 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Soccer 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-0925 n International Pedigree Stage Stop Sled Dog Race 6:30pm, Town Square, Free, 307-734-1163 n Pam Drews Phillips Plays Jazz 7:00pm, The Granary at Spring Creek Ranch, Free, 307-7338833 n The Moth Mainstage 7:00pm, Center for the Arts, $55.00 - $75.00, 307-733-4900

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 19

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 20

n Armchair Adventure: Safaris in Botswana and Zambia 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $5.00, 307-739-9025 n JH Community Band Rehearsal 7:00pm, Center for the Arts Performing Arts Wing, Free, 307200-9463 n The Met: Live in HD - Les Pêcheurs de Perles 7:00pm, Center for the Arts, $12.00 - $20.00, 307-733-4900 n Major Zephyr 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-732-3939 n Salsa Night 9:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500 n Disco Night 10:00pm, Stagecoach Bar, Free, 307-733-4407 n Ballyhoo!

10:30pm, Town Square Tavern, $10.00, 307-733-3886

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

n Culture through Clay 3:30pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $150.00 - $180.00, 307-733-6379 n Apres with Stack and the Attack 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n InDesign Fundamentals: Brochure, Flyer and Book Layout 4:00pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $130.00 $156.00, 307-733-6379 n Thursday Gates 4:00pm, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Yoga 4:15pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n FAFSA Application Help 5:00pm, Jackson Hole High School, Free, 307-733-2164 n Ringholz Studios hosts Chamber Mixer 5:00pm, Ringholz Studios, Free, 307-730-7582 n Exceptional and Effective Board Practices 5:00pm, Community Foundation of Jackson Hole, $20.00, 307-739-1026 n Jazzercise 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $10.00, 307-739-9025 n Total Fitness 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Health Insurance Marketplace Assistance 5:30pm, Teton County Library Computer Lab, Free, 307-7332164 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Beginning Throwing Hustle 6:00pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $225.00 $270.00, 307-733-6379 n Collograph 6:00pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $35.00 - $42.00, 307-733-6379 n Introduction to Digital Photography 6:00pm, CWC-Jackson, $80.00, 307-733-7425 n Mountain Mantras: Wellness and Life Lessons from the Slopes by Kathryn Guylay 6:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library Driggs, Free, 208-3545522 n Open Gym - Adult Soccer 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-0925

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

20 | JANUARY 27, 2016

WELL, THAT HAPPENED

7 to 10 p.m., Saturday, Feb. 6 Tandi Metoyer art opening at The Painted Lady studio. n Free Public Stargazing 7:30pm, Center for the Arts, Free, 307-413-4779 n Jackson Hole Moose Hockey 7:30pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $5.00 - $10.00, 307-201-1633 n Rock Creek 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-7332190 n A-Mac DZ 9:00pm, Mangy Moose, $5.00, 307-733-4913 n BOGDOG After the SLEDDOG Races!

9:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-7333886 n Richiebeats 10:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307-733-1500

SATURDAY JAN. 30

n Citrus Fest: Storewide Tastings, Live Music & Fun for Kids!

7:00am, Jackson Whole Grocer & Cafe, Free, 307-733-0450 n 6th Annual WinterFest 8:00am, Various Locations, 307-733-3316 n Practice ACT Exam 8:00am, JH High School, Free, 307-733-2164 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 9:00am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Teton Valley Great Snow Fest 10:00am, Downtown Driggs, Free, 208-2015356 n Teton Valley Winter Farmer’s Market 10:00am, MD Nursery, Free, 208-354-8816 n College Freeskiing Competition 10:00am, Grand Targhee Resort, $125.00, 307353-2300 n Rolling Into Readiness 10:00am, Teton County Fair Building, Free, 307733-2164 n Parents’ Ski Saturdays 10:00am, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Tram Jam 11:00am, Base of the Bridger Gondola, Free n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 12:00pm, Town Square, Free

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 21

Cuisine of the Vikings Join the author for an Icelandic celebration of sheep testicles, rotten shark... and other sour delights.

BY ANDREW MUNZ

B

efore coming to Iceland, my only knowledge of the Icelandic tradition of Þorrablót (THOR-ah-bloat) was from the popular Sigur Rós documentary “Heima.”

In the scene, a large group of Icelandic adults were sitting at long tables in front of a stage.

A shot of a buffet table showed various pale, unidentifiable meat products and bread, while beer cans and Brennivín bottles sat in front of the guests. One item in particular that creeped me out was a sheep head severed in half, complete with teeth, a nose and an eyelid fused shut.

I never thought I would be in a situation where I would be eating the meat off a sheep’s face – called svið (SVEETH) – but sure enough, I was invited to participate in this year’s Þorrablót celebration. And the first thing on the menu? Svið.

The tradition of Þorrablót has officially only been around since the mid 19th century,

An Icelandic spread of sour meats and fish has the author feeling like a true Viking. but its customs date back as far as the 10th century during the settlement of Iceland. The Vikings didn’t have a lot of food opportunities during the winter, so they would pickle meats and organs to preserve them for the demanding winter months. Þorrablót is named for Þorri, the mid winter month on the historical Icelandic calendar that took place between mid January and mid February. Part of the tradition included making sacrifices to the thunder god, Þórr, and the term blót is in reference to a heathen celebration. Þórrablót is a private ceremony and one must be invited by a farmer’s family to attend the event. We sat at long tables in front of a stage, where, throughout the night various comedy sketches and speeches were performed. Every so often we would link arms and sway back and forth singing traditional farming songs. I did my best to follow along in the songbook, but as I’m sure you’ve already gathered, the Icelandic language is a bit tricky to master.

Placed in front of us at the tables were wooden troughs full of the foods I first saw in “Heima.” In addition to the svið, there were strips of dried codfish, rotten shark, sour sheep’s testicles, blood haggis, sour pig’s liver, sour whale blubber, smoked lamb, boiled potatoes, rye bread, flat bread and plenty of butter to slide it all down. Our only utensil was a knife.

I decided that I would take full advantage of this opportunity and try everything at the table. There was no going back. The first thing I placed on my plate was the sheep’s head and

began scraping meat off the dead animal’s cheek. The head is sawed in half (long-ways), singed by fire (to get rid of the hair) and then boiled for a few hours. I have to say the taste was surprisingly good, although the entire time my mind was trying to convince my stomach how disgusting this all was.

The sheep’s testicle and the other sour meats were among my least favorite. I kept having to tell my body that, “this is food, it’s going to be OK, this is food,” because my tongue was not having it. Think of the strongest cheese you’ve ever eaten and then pair it with that rancid vinegary smell that wafts from an old trash bag, and you’d be close to imagining just how foul it tastes.

But I remained brave. My boss ended up taking the sheep head, carving out the eye and serving it to me on a plate. The blue pupil stared up at me like in a horror movie and my whole body convulsed, telling me not to do it.

But I grabbed it with my fingers and shoved the whole orb into my mouth and chewed as quickly as I could.

I never thought I would have to compare the flavor of whale fat to a sheep eyeball, but now that I have that experience, I can say I prefer the latter. After a few more songs, we packed up the chairs, moved the tables, and the hall turned into a drunken dance party.

Just when I thought the worst was over, an older woman I got paired up with pulled herself close to me and breathed sour testicle breath across my face.

I’ve never felt more nauseous. Or more Icelandic. PJH

SUNDAY JAN. 31

n 6th Annual WinterFest 8:00am, Various Locations, 307-733-3316 n Teton Valley Great Snow Fest 10:00am, Downtown Driggs, Free, 208-201-5356 n Meditation & Writing Workshop 10:00am, Teton Yoga Shala, $35.00, 307-690-3054 n College Freeskiing Competition 10:00am, Grand Targhee Resort, $125.00, 307-353-2300 n Jackson Reads 12:00pm, KHOL Radio Show, 307-733-2164 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 12:00pm, Town Square, Free n Ski with the Godfather--Bill Briggs 12:00pm, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Short Interpretive Walks 1:00pm, Jackson Hole & Greater Yellowstone Visitor Center, Free, 307-201-5433 n Parent /Daughter Workshop 1:00pm, Jackson Hole Children’s Musuem, $80.00

February 27th 7:00 pm at the Virginian Bettie Taylor 509.362.1139

TICKETS AVAILABLE FROM THE QUEEN CANDIDATES

MONDAY FEB. 1

n Boot Camp 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n 6th Annual WinterFest 8:00am, Various Locations, 307-733-3316 n Pilates Mat Classes at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Gym 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-739-9025

PR

Please support keeping abortion safe and legal.

Choice Take away a woman’s right to choose and she’s left to take matters into her own hands.

HAPPY HOUR

IT’S PRO-CHOICE OR NO-CHOICE.

•••••••••••

Paid for by the KCR Coalition for Pro-Choice Kristyne Crane Rupert | www.naral.org.

10:30am - 3:00pm Bottomless Mimosas & Bloody Marys $15

1/2 Off Drinks Daily 5-7pm Monday-Saturday 11am, Sunday 10:30am 832 W. Broadway (inside Plaza Liquors)•733-7901

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 21

SATURDAY & SUNDAY BRUNCH

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

SEE CALENDAR PAGE 22

n Open Gym - Adult Volleyball 4:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Apres with Major Zephyr 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Jackson Kids Perform “Aladdin” with Missoula Children’s Theater 5:00pm, JH High School Auditorium, Free, 307-733-2164 n Stagecoach Band 6:00pm, Stagecoach, Free, 307733-4407 n Taize 6:00pm, St. John’s Episcopal Church, Free, 307-733-2603 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Western Swing & Texas Two-Step Lessons 6:00pm, Old Wilson Schoolhouse Community Center, $30.00 - $60.00, 307-413-9507 n Wine Tasting on a Budget 6:00pm, Dornan’s, 307-733-2415 n Hospitality Night 9:00pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500 n Uncle Stackhouse 10:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886

Jackson Hole Lion’s Club

n The Miller Sisters 8:00pm, Knotty Pine, Free, 208787-2866 n A-Mac DZ 9:00pm, Mangy Moose, $5.00, 307-733-4913 n Kitchen Dwellers 10:30pm, Town Square Tavern, $5.00, 307-733-3886 n Jameson Music Series presents John Wayne’s World 10:30pm, The Rose, Free, 307733-1500

Save the Date!

n Ranger-led Snowshoe Hike 1:30pm, Grand Teton National Park, Free, 307-739-3399 n Raptor Encounters 2:00pm, Teton Raptor Center, $10.00 - $12.00, 307-203-2551 n Jackson Kids Perform “Aladdin” with Missoula Children’s Theater 2:30pm, JH High School Auditorium, Free, 307-733-2164 n 2016 Mountain States Regional Yoga Asana Championship 3:00pm, Pink Garter Theatre, $10.00, 307-31-2716 n The Maw Band 3:30pm, Trap Bar & Grill, Free, 800-TARGHEE n Chanman Solo in the K BAR at the Teton Mountain Lodge and Spa 4:00pm, K BAR, Free, 307 413 1348 n Snowboard Saturday Adult Classes 5:00pm, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Daddy and Daughter Snow Ball 5:30pm, Grand View Lodge at Snow King Resort, 307-739-9025 n Madame X Gala - The Best Exotic Madame X Hotel 6:00pm, Center for the Arts, $150.00 - $175.00, 307-2312443 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Open Gym - Adult Soccer 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-0925 n Jackson Hole Moose Hockey 7:30pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $5.00 - $10.00, 307-201-1633 n Rock Creek 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-733-2190

McKenna Rickaby 307.734.8226

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

22 | JANUARY 27, 2016

n Jazzercise 9:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $10.00, 307-739-9025 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Kindercreations 9:30am, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $85.00 - $102.00, 307-733-6379 n Toddler Gym 10:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $0.00 - $2.50, 307-739-9025 n Open Hockey 10:15am, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Little Hands, Little Feet 11:00am, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $85.00 - $102.00, 307-733-6379 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n Total Fitness 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Story Time 1:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library Driggs, Free, 208-3545522 n Ranger-led Snowshoe Hike 1:30pm, Grand Teton National Park, Free, 307-739-3399 n CLIMB Wyoming Information Event 2:00pm, CLIMB Wyoming Office, Free, 307-733-4088 n Freestyle Skating 3:00pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Maker Monday’s 3:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library Victor, Free, 208-787-2201 n Handbuilding Plus!

3:30pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $150.00 - $180.00, 307-733-6379 n After School Kidzart Club 3:30pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $195.00 - $234.00, 307-733-6379 n Heart Centered Mixed Media 3:30pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $5.00, 307-733-6379 n Apres with Tucker Smith 3-piece band 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n Barre Fusion at Dancers’ Workshop 5:30pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Hootenanny at Dornans 6:00pm, Dornans, Free, 307733-2415

n Monday Sitting Group 6:00pm, Chiropractic and Sports Injury Center, , 307-7337584 n Evening Yoga 6:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Foreign Policy Series: The Rise of ISIS 6:00pm, Teton County Library Ordway Auditorium, Free, 307733-2164 n Skiers can Tango, and so can You! 6:30pm, Center for the Arts, Free, 917-613-3176 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025

TUESDAY FEB. 2

n Kettlebells 7:00am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n 6th Annual WinterFest 8:00am, Various Locations, 307-733-3316 n Zumba at Dancers’ Workshop 8:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, Free, 307-733-6398 n Yoga 8:30am, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Ballet Workout at Dancers’ Workshop 9:30am, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Toddler Time 10:05am, Teton County Library, Free, 733-2164 ext. 118 n Open Gym - Adult Basketball 12:00pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Public Skating 12:00pm, Snow King Sports & Events Center, $6.00 - $8.00, 307-201-1633 n MELT at Dancers’ Workshop 12:10pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Spin 12:10pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-733-5056 n Freestyle Skating 3:00pm, Snow King Sports & Event Center, $10.00, 307-2011633 n Build Your Own Free Website 3:00pm, Teton County Library Computer Lab, Free, 307-7332164

n Afterschool Monthly Workshops 3:30pm, Borshell Children’s Studio, $180.00 - $216.00, 307733-6379 n Apres with Fresh Roy and the Winch Cats 4:00pm, Mangy Moose, Free, 307-733-4913 n White Lightning Open Mic Night 4:00pm, The Trap Bar & Grill, Free, 307-353-2300 x 1360 n Yoga 4:15pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Winter Wonderland: Ice Skating on Town Square 4:30pm, Town Square, Free n Special Olympics Wyoming Winter Games 5:00pm, Jackson Hole Mountain Resort, 307-235-3062 n Tele Tuesdays 5:00pm, Snow King Mountain, $49.00 - $59.00, 307-699-4227 n Jazzercise 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $10.00, 307-739-9025 n Total Fitness 5:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $8.00, 307-739-9025 n Great Until Late 6:00pm, Local Businesses, Free, 307-201-2294 n Screenwriting 6:00pm, Art Association of Jackson Hole, $160.00 $192.00, 307-733-6379 n Fat Bike Demo 6:00pm, Summit High School/ Middle School Ski Track, Free, 307-739-9025 n Scholarship Application Help Nights 6:00pm, Teton County Library Computer Lab, Free, 307-7332164 n Geologists of JH: The Uninhabited Continent: A Rare Glimpse into Antarctica’s Interior 6:00pm, Teton County Library Ordway Auditorium, Free, 307733-2164 n Open Gym - Adult Volleyball 6:30pm, Teton Recreation Center, $3.75, 307-739-9025 n Hip Hop at Dancers’ Workshop 7:00pm, Dancers’ Workshop, $12.00 - $16.00, 307-733-6398 n Language Exchange Night 7:00pm, Valley of the Tetons Library, Free, 208-787-2201 n One Ton Pig 7:30pm, Silver Dollar Showroom, Free, 307-732-3939 n Steam Powered Airplane 10:00pm, Town Square Tavern, Free, 307-733-3886

FOR COMPLETE EVENT DETAILS VISIT PJHCALENDAR.COM

ELIZABETH KOUTRELAKOS

GET OUT

The Dirty Truth Have dog owners cleaned up their acts near the valley’s cherished recreation areas?

BY ELIZABETH KOUTRELAKOS

S

ome like to get out by finding new places of existence; others search to gain a new perspective. This week, I decided to contemplate Jackson’s accessible exercise spots while considering the excrement of the beloved creatures that people know as dogs. Many love these four-legged beasts. The responsible owner loves her pet so much she follows him around with plastic bags in hopes to pick up after her creature.

I do not know of any other beings on the planet that choose to own something they must feed for the entirety of its life in addition to collecting every bit of hard waste the animal produces and disposing of it in a bin.

I’m assuming then that dogs must be pretty special to deserve such careful thought and care devoted to every orifice of their being.

There are many wonderful dog owners but society tends to take note of the unsavory ones. The actions of these humans do not affect the dogs per se, but can impact the entire ecosystem the said dog disposes in. A recent study from the University of Colorado found that dog fecal matter presented a major source of winter airborne bacteria in urban areas. The myth of poop freezing and bacteria dying along with it in the frigid air is just that, simply a myth. High levels of airborne bacteria can trigger both asthma- and allergy-type reactions.

In fact, dog fecal bacteria is one of the leading causes of water pollution in the United States. Each gram of dog poop contains more than 23 million units of fecal bacteria. So what? One could argue there is bacteria in everything. While this is true to a degree, dog waste harbors Giardia, Salmonella and E. Coli, all of which are harmful to other animals and humans. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, dog poop can be just as toxic to an ecosystem as chemical and oil spills.

Wild Wyomingites might sometimes view

Beware of what hides just below the surface...

dog poop in nature as natural, even, possibly, a right, as this place has a lot of open spaces.

Thus there should be plenty of places for dogs to poop freely, right? While dog poop does eventually decompose, the average ecosystem can handle about two dogs per square mile – a drastically different world than the town we live in. Unless one has her own square mile of land for her dog to poop freely, the doodie simply doesn’t belong in popular areas of recreation.

On prolific powder days, it’s hard to imagine that the beautiful white blanket is momentarily making our world look good again. Come spring, that brown stuff will be out, about and abundant. Last March, Cache Creek was closed for a week to awaken irresponsible dog owners. The Forest Service seemed to recognize the importance of addressing this issue, so I wondered if things had gotten any better.

Using my eyes and nose along the Cache Creek corridor, the poop was evident but it seemed like people were picking up after their own dog’s poop along with forgotten turds from previous travelers. Yes, people have really stepped up their game around that area. I then made my way to a closed Snow King on a Monday, discovering only a couple instances of the contaminant.

My next stop, however, was shocking, for it showed the current truth of where the poop was coming from. Good old Teton Pass was like poo central station. From the bottom of the Glory boot pack to the sign, steamers abounded despite the strategically placed trashcan a mere 10 feet away. I put my head down and began my walk up the boot pack.

For the first hundred yards, each step morphed into a sort of brown remnant etched in the mountain with the insole of a ski boot.

I made every attempt not to plant my poles along the sides of the trail for fear of spearing the gooey brown stuff on the upward trench.

The stench eventually wore off after I was a little over half way, but the utter disgust stuck with me for a while. Teton Pass, a beautiful area for backcountry enthusiasts was also the grand winner of largest and most bountiful amount of dog feces. Sure, storms will eventually cover this stuff up and everyone will continue on their merry way. Spring will roll in and the mountains will supply us with great runoff to surf the wave or float the river. But this little discovery will make me think twice about taking my boots off inside of my own home. Though that’s the least of my worries because the snow hasn’t melted yet. PJH

Cooking Class Panache Cooks, foodies enjoy delicious hands-on instruction at CWC.

BY ANNIE FENN, MD @jacksonfoodie

T

Left: Pasta-making starts with a rich egg dough. Center: Sheets of pasta hang out before they are turned into agnolotti, capellini and tortellini. Right: Plating the fruits of cooking class labor–homemade capellini with marinara sauce. themselves the differences between single origin chocolates from Venezuela and Madagascar, and those more mass-produced by Mars Chocolate.

Aspiring fermentos should check out the series of classes offered by Marija Nagy of Maya Organics. You may have met Nagy last summer at the Jackson Hole Farmers Market on the Town Square. I quickly became smitten with her entire line of fermented jams, vegetables, condiments, and nut butters.

Now Nagy is excited to teach us how to put up fermented foods. “I want to change people’s view of health food,” she said, “and show how easy it is to make delicious, wonderful foods.”

Nagy, a pharmacist who grew up making fermented foods with her mother and grandmother in Serbia, believes in their potent health benefits. “I eat something fermented with every meal,” she says. Soon Nagy will be offering her Maya Organics products year-round with a home delivery service.

In the meantime, Nagy’s upcoming classes will cover easy fermentation projects — sauerkraut, ginger carrots, and fermented vegetables — and students will get to take a jar of their work home.

There are lots more classes for food lovers coming up soon at CWC: More Coffee Cupping with Snake River Roasting; Making Gnocchi with Virginia King; Homemade Ravioli with Christine Goodman; Easy Hors d’Oeuvres with Virginia King and Homemade Ice Cream with Kim Fadiman. Aspiring home brewers will brew and bottle a batch of beer in a twopart class offered by Rocky Rabjohns, brewmaster at Snake River Brewing. I hope to make it to as many classes as possible. See you there. PJH For more information and to sign up for a class, visit www. jackon.cwc.edu or call 733-7425.

After delivering babies and practicing gynecology for 20 years in Jackson, Annie Fenn traded her life as a doctor to pursue her other passion: writing about food, health, sustainability and the local food scene. Follow her snippets of mountain life, with recipes, at jacksonholefoodie.com and on Instagram @jacksonholefoodie.

JJANUARY 27, 2016 | 23

marinara sauce simmered on the back burner and another of Parmesan broth warmed on the front, our pasta creations were cooked in batches until perfectly “al dente.”

Thanks to that last burst of activity, we were back on schedule and it was time to plate our dishes. I was proud of how much my team had accomplished in a few short hours.

Wine and water glasses were refilled as we toasted all around the table to our love of pasta and the joy of cooking together.

We feasted on delicate meat agnolotti and cheese tortellini swimming in Parmesan broth, our homemade capellini with perfect marinara sauce, and crispy and creamy cannelloni al radicchio topped with sage and toasted walnuts. The students had taken a few extra minutes to make the fennel, blood orange, and olive salad as beautiful as can be. I snuck away to slice the biscotti and give them a second bake, so we would have warm chocolate cookies for dessert. (Soon I’ll have recipes from my pasta-making class up on jacksonholefoodie.com.)

My pasta-making class was part of Central Wyoming College’s program of community enrichment courses. The Jackson branch of CWC offers an associate degree in culinary arts, and hotel and restaurant management; I think of it as our hometown culinary school. But CWC also offers cooking classes for the community—CWC’s outreach coordinator Sue Heffron calls it the Jackson Hole Culinary Enthusiast Program. These are classes for people who love food, taught by local chefs and home cooks. In the past I have taught hands-on cooking classes in Moroccan, regional Mexican, and Sicilian cuisines. My Desperation Dinners class was for those who need to get dinner on the table fast. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never held a whisk; all levels of cooking experience are welcome.

There are also tasting and food appreciation classes on CWC’s Culinary Enthusiast roster. Earlier in the term, the staff of Snake River Roasting offered a series of coffee tasting and brewing classes, sharing their secrets to making great coffee. Chef Virginia King taught a chocolate appreciation class by first breaking chocolate down into its basic ingredients: cocoa powder, cocoa nibs, milk powder, sugar, cocoa butter, and soy lecithin. Then students tasted for

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

he best part of teaching a cooking class for me is that moment when my students are proudly plating their dishes just before we sit down to eat. During the last class I taught for Central Wyoming College—a three-hour, hands-on crash course in Making Pasta By Hand—I was briefly worried that moment would never come. We were having so much fun making pasta (and drinking wine) that we got a bit behind schedule.

My twelve industrious students got to know each other while mixing and kneading several batches of pasta dough.

Using a hand crank pasta machine, we rolled out golden sheets of fresh pasta and hung them up to rest. We uncorked a few bottles of wine and settled in to shape the agnolotti, a rustic hat-shaped pasta filled with ground mortadella and pork.

Having mastered agnolotti, the enthusiasm of my pasta-making students knew no boundaries. They decided to venture beyond the syllabus to create all sorts of pasta shapes: hand cut pappardelle, delicate “angel hair” capellini, and tortellini stuffed with ricotta and mozzarella. More wine was poured as we cut pasta into rectangles for the cannelloni and got a few large pots of water on to boil.

With one eye on the clock and another on the flurry of pasta-making activity, I feared we would not make my 8:30 deadline of sitting down to eat. My assistant and I shifted into high gear, our students following our lead. Soon the radicchio and ricotta stuffed cannelloni were happily bubbling away in the oven. Biscotti logs were brushed with an egg wash, sprinkled with coarse sugar, and placed in the oven for their first bake.

Working together, students prepped the salad. While a pot of

ANNIE FENN, MD

THE FOODIE FILES

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

24 | JANUARY 27, 2016

BEER, WINE & SPIRITS

Gulps of Guigal Spend some time with the whimsical wine of Rhône Valley.

BY TED SCHEFFLER @critic1

W

henever I think about the wines of the Rhône Valley in southeast France, what inevitably comes to my mind’s eye are the iconic gold-and-redhued labels that identify every bottle of wine produced by the family-owned firm of E. Guigal. Guigal originally was founded in 1946 by Étienne Guigal in Ampuis, a small ancient village and cradle of France’s CôteRôtie appellation. They are the best-known of the Rhône wine producers.

Although they’re starting to get the respect they deserve, Rhône wines were long considered to be the poor stepchild of France’s more aristocratic and opulent wines from Bordeaux and Burgundy. Fun fact: For hundreds of years, the red wines

of Burgundy and Bordeaux were given hefty doses of Rhône juice to deepen their flavors. Today, Rhône wines are more likely thought of as France’s wild child of wines: untamed, irreverent, spicy, earthy, brooding, dark and lively. They are Lady Gaga to the more Taylor Swiftian wines of Bordeaux and Burgundy—not always appropriate, but certainly exciting.

A great place to begin your discovery of Rhône wines is with E. Guigal, since they make everything from white wines such as Marsanne-based Saint-Joseph Blanc and elegant Condrieu, to Côtes du Rhône, Tavel Rosé, Gigondas, Châteauneuf-du-Pape, Hermitage and gorgeous Côte-Rôtie.

If you’re fairly unfamiliar with Rhône Valley wines, I suggest starting with the simplest and most straightforward: Côtes du Rhône. E. Guigal makes red, white and Rosé versions. A remarkable value at $17.75, E. Guigal Côtes du Rhône Rouge is unique insofar as it takes a wine that is normally Grenache-based (the Southern Rhône style) and instead uses Syrah as the main varietal in Northern Rhône style, brimming with elegance and finesse. E. Guigal Côtes du Rhône Blanc ($17.75) is a luscious blend of 65 percent Viognier, 15 percent Roussanne, and splashes of Marsanne, Clairette and Bourboulenc.

It has Viognier’s trademark apricot-andwhite peach aromas, and is rich and round on the palate. It pairs very nicely with sushi

IMBIBE and a range of Asian dishes. Grenache, Cinsault and Syrah go into the making of E. Guigal Côtes du Rhône Rosé ($17), and this is a terrific springtime wine with strawberry, red currant and raspberry notes.

If you’re in the market for a rustic, earthy, spicy and intense red wine, look no farther than E. Guigal Crozes-Hermitage Rouge ($29). This wine is Syrah through and through, an affordable luxury with well-structured, refined tannins and dark black currant f lavors plus vanilla notes from long aging in small oak barrels. Just a small step up in price is another pair of excellent E. Guigal reds: SaintJoseph Rouge ($34.97) and Gigondas ($34.49).

Like Crozes-Hermitage, Saint-Joseph Rouge is 100 percent Syrah, with a powerful red berry nose

and delicate oak aromas. Its bright acidity makes it a good candidate for mealtime. Meanwhile, dark fruits and classic Guigal tannins dominate full-bodied E. Guigal Gigondas, a blend of 60 percent Grenache, and 20 percent each of Syrah and Mourvèdre.

The nose is intense, and the wine is racy and assertive on the palate, albeit with soft tannins. Enjoy it alongside red meat, roasts, game and aggressive cheeses.

E. Guigal Châteauneufdu-Pape ($55.99) is the iconic southern Rhône wine, with lovely texture, harmony and concentration. If you’re looking for a bit of a white wine splurge that is well worth the investment, enjoy a bottle of E. Guigal Condrieu ($68.75). Aged in stainless steel, Condrieu is 100 percent Viognier, with a flowery nose and beautiful tropical and white fruit flavors. Enjoy it as an aperitif or with foie gras. PJH

SCOOP UP THESE SAVINGS

1/16TH COLOR AD Trio is located just off the town square in downtown Jackson, and is owned & operated by local chefs with a passion for good food.

Our menu features contemporary American dishes inspired by classic bistro cuisine. Daily specials feature wild game, fish and meats.

Enjoy a glass of wine at the bar in front of the wood-burning oven and watch the chefs perform in the open kitchen.

Local is a modern American steakhouse and bar located on Jackson’s historic town square.

Serving locally raised beef and, regional game, fresh seafood and seasonally inspired food, Local offers the perfect setting for lunch, drinks or dinner.

• FREE PRINT LISTING (50-75 WORDS)

Lunch 11:30am Monday-Saturday Dinner 5:30pm Nightly

EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

Dinner Nightly at 5:30pm 45 S. Glenwood Available for private events & catering For reservations please call 734-8038

• FREE ONLINE LISTING ON PLANETJH.COM • 6 MONTH MINIMUM COMMITMENT • $25 A WEEK CASH OR $40 A WEEK TRADE ON HALF OFF JH

20%OFF

CONTACT ENTIRE BILL YOUR

HAPPY HOUR Daily 4-6:00pm

307.201.1717 | LOCALJH.COM ON THE TOWN SQUARE

Good between 5:30-6pm • Open nightlyACCOUNT at 5:30pm

EXECUTIVE

733-3912TODAY TO

160 N. Millward LEARN MORE

Make your reservation online at bluelionrestaurant.com

SALES@PLANETJH.COM OR 307.732.0299

THE LOCALS

FAVORITE PIZZA 2012, 2013 & 2014 •••••••••

$7

$4 Well Drink Specials

LUNCH

SPECIAL Slice, salad & soda

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••

TV Sports Packages and 7 Screens

Under the Pink Garter Theatre (307) 734-PINK • www.pinkygs.com

Featuring dining destinations from buffets and rooms with a view to mom and pop joints, chic cuisine and some of our dining critic’s faves!

ASIAN & CHINESE TETON THAI Serving the world’s most exciting cuisine.

Teton Thai offers a splendid array of flavors: sweet, hot, sour, salt and bitter. All balanced and blended perfectly, satisfying the most discriminating palate. Open daily. 7432 Granite Loop Road in Teton Village, (307) 733-0022 and in Driggs, (208) 787-8424, tetonthai.com.

KAZUMI

Breakfast Lunch & Dinner ••••••••• Open daily 8am 145 N. Glenwood (307) 734-0882

WWW.TETONLOTUSCAFE.COM

Kazumi is a family-owned and operated restaurant serving unique sushi rolls, fresh sashimi and nigiri, and off-the-charts specialty items. Located near the Town Square, we also feature hot noodle soups and the spiciest rolls in town! Open Monday through Saturday at 11 a.m - 9:30 p.m. 265 West Broadway, 307-7339168, jacksonholesushi.com.

KIM’S CORNER Best ski food in the area! Korean and American style, from breakfast sandwiches, burgers, chicken tenders, Philly cheese steaks to rice bowls and noodles. Something for everyone!

Open Tuesday through Thursday, 9:30 a.m. to 7 p.m.; Friday through Sunday, 9:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.

At base of Snow King between the ski patrol room and the ice rink. 100 E. Snow King Ave. Order ahead (307) 200-6544, facebook.com/ Kimscornercafe.

cool ways

to PERK

UP

THAI ME UP

Steamed Subs Hot Dogs Soups & Salads

The Deli That’ll Rock Your Belly

CONTINENTAL ALPENHOF Serving authentic Swiss cuisine, the Alpenhof features European style breakfast entrées and alpine lunch fare. Dine in the Bistro for a casual meal or join us in the Alpenrose dining room for a relaxed dinner experience. Breakfast 7:30am-10am. Coffee & pastry 10am-11:30am.

Lunch 11:30am-3pm. Aprés 3pm-5:30pm.

Dinner 6pm-9pm. For reservations at the Bistro or Alpenrose, call 307-733-3242.

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

307-733-3448

Sun-Wed 11am-4pm, Thur-Sat 11am-8pm 180 N. Center St. | 1 block n. of Town Square Next to Home Ranch Parking Lot

Home of Melvin Brewing Co. Freshly remodeled offering modern Thai cuisine in a relaxed setting. New tap system with 20 craft beers.

New $8 wine list and extensive bottled beer menu. Open daily for dinner at 5pm. Downtown at 75 East Pearl Street. View our tap list at thaijh. com/brews. 307-733-0005.

THE BLUE LION FAMILY FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT PIZZAS, PASTAS & MORE FRESH, LOCALLY SOURCED OFFERINGS TAKE OUT AVAILABLE Dining room and bar open nightly at 5:00pm (307) 733-2460 • 2560 Moose Wilson Road • Wilson, WY

A Jackson Hole favorite since 1965

CAFE GENEVIEVE Serving inspired home cooked classics in a historic log cabin. Enjoy brunch daily at 8 a.m., dinner nightly at 5 p.m., and happy hour

1110 W. Broadway • Jackson, WY Open daily 5:00am to midnight • Free Wi-Fi

JJANUARY 27, 2016 | 25

HOUSEMADE BREAD & DESSERTS

A Jackson Hole favorite for 37 years. Join us in the charming atmosphere of a historic home. Ask a local about our rack of lamb.

Serving fresh fish, elk, poultry, steaks, and vegetarian entrées. Live acoustic guitar music most nights. Open at 5:30 p.m. Off Season Special: 2 for 1 Entrees. Good all night. Must mention ad. Reservations recommended, walkins welcome. 160 N. Millward, (307) 733-3912, bluelionrestaurant.com

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

26 | JANUARY 27, 2016

POLKA NIGHT FEATURING THE

®

HOF POLKA BAND THURSDAY, 7PM-10PM GERMAN BEER SPECIALS

Large Specialty Pizza ADD: Wings (8 pc)

Medium Pizza (1 topping) Stuffed Cheesy Bread

307.733.3242 | TETON VILLAGE

$ 13 99

for an extra $5.99/each

(307) 733-0330 520 S. Hwy. 89 • Jackson, WY

daily 3-5:30 p.m. featuring $5 glasses of wine, $5 specialty drinks, $3 bottled beer. 135 E. Broadway, (307) 732-1910, genevievejh.com.

ELEANOR’S Enjoy all the perks of fine dining, minus the dress code at Eleanor’s, serving rich, saucy dishes in a warm and friendly setting. Eleanor’s is a primo brunch spot on Sunday afternoons. Its bar alone is an attraction, thanks to reasonably priced drinks and a loyal crowd. Come get a belly-full of our two-time gold medal wings. Open at 11 a.m. daily.

832 W. Broadway, (307) 733-7901.

FULL STEAM SUBS The deli that’ll rock your belly. Jackson’s newest sub shop serves steamed subs, reubens, gyros, delicious all beef hot dogs, soups and salads. We offer Chicago style hot dogs done just the way they do in the windy city. Open daily11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Located just a short block north of the Town Square at 180 N. Center Street, (307) 733-3448.

LOCAL Local, a modern American steakhouse and bar, is located on Jackson’s historic town square.

Our menu features both classic and specialty cuts of locally-ranched meats and wild game alongside fresh seafood, shellfish, house-ground burgers, and seasonally-inspired food. We offer an extensive wine list and an abundance of locally-sourced products. Offering a casual and vibrant bar atmosphere with 12 beers on tap as well as a relaxed dining room, Local is the perfect spot to grab a burger for lunch or to have drinks and dinner with friends. Lunch Mon-Sat 11:30am.

Dinner Nightly 5:30pm. 55 North Cache, (307) 2011717, localjh.com.

LOTUS CAFE

Take-out just got easier!

Order online at PizzeriaCaldera.com or via our app for iOS or Android.

11am - 9:30pm daily 20 W Broadway 307 - 201 - 1472

- Snow King Mountain -

Mangy Moose Restaurant, with locally sourced, seasonally FRESH FOOD at reasonable prices, is a always a FUN PLACE to go with family or friends for a unique dining experience. The personable staff will make you feel RIGHT AT HOME and the funky western decor will keep you entertained throughout your entire visit.

Reservations at (307) 733-4913 3295 Village Drive • Teton Village, WY

www.mangymoose.com

KOREAN & AMERICAN

Tues-Thur 9:30am-7pm | Fri-Sun 9:30am-4pm 100 E. Snow King Ave

(at Snow King Mtn between Ski Patrol & Ice Rink)

307.200.6544

MANGY MOOSE Mangy Moose Restaurant, with locally sourced, seasonally fresh food at reasonable prices, is a always a fun place to go with family or friends for a unique dining experience. The personable staff will make you feel right at home and the funky western decor will keep you entertained throughout your entire visit. Teton Village, (307) 733-4913, mangymoose.com.

SNAKE RIVER BREWERY & RESTAURANT

Cafe

BREAKFAST & LUNCH BURGERS • FRIES RICE BOWLS • NOODLES

Serving organic, freshly-made world cuisine while catering to all eating styles. Endless organic and natural meat, vegetarian, vegan and glutenfree choices. Offering super smoothies, fresh extracted juices, espresso and tea. Full bar and house-infused botanical spirits. Open daily 8am for breakfast lunch and dinner. 145 N. Glenwood St., (307) 734-0882, tetonlotuscafe.com.

BUY 1 GET 1 APPETIZERS LIMIT 1 PER A TABLE

265 WEST BROADWAY 307-733-9168 JACKSONHOLESUSHI.COM

America’s most award-winning microbrewery is serving lunch and dinner. Take in the atmosphere while enjoying wood-fired pizzas, pastas, burgers, sandwiches, soups, salads and desserts. $9 lunch menu. Happy hour 4 to 6 p.m., including tasty hot wings. The freshest beer in the valley, right from the source! Free WiFi. Open 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. 265 S. Millward. (307) 739-2337, snakeriverbrewing.com.

SWEETWATER Satisfying locals for lunch and dinner for over 36 years with deliciously affordable comfort food.

Extensive local and regional beer list. Lunch 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. features blackened trout

salad, elk melt, wild west chili and vegetarian specialties. Dinner 5:30 to 9 p.m. including potato-crusted trout, 16 ounce ribeye, vegan and wild game. Reservations welcome. (307) 7333553. sweetwaterjackson.com.

TRIO Owned and operated by Chefs with a passion for good food, Trio is located right off the Town square in downtown Jackson. Featuring a variety of cuisines in a relaxed atmosphere, Trio is famous for its wood-oven pizzas, specialty cocktails and waffle fries with bleu cheese fondue. Dinner nightly at 5:30 p.m. Reservations. (307) 734-8038 or bistrotrio.com.

ITALIAN CALICO A Jackson Hole favorite since 1965, the Calico continues to be one of the most popular restaurants in the Valley. The Calico offers the right combination of really good food, (much of which is grown in our own gardens in the summer), friendly staff; a reasonably priced menu and a large selection of wine. Our bar scene is eclectic with a welcoming vibe. Open nightly at 5 p.m. 2560 Moose Wilson Rd., (307) 733-2460.

MEXICAN EL ABUELITO Serving authentic Mexican cuisine and appetizers in a unique Mexican atmosphere. Home of the original Jumbo Margarita. Featuring a full bar with a large selection of authentic Mexican beers.

Lunch served weekdays 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Nightly dinner specials. Open seven days, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. 385 W. Broadway, (307) 733-1207.

PIZZA DOMINO’S PIZZA Hot and delicious delivered to your door. Handtossed, deep dish, crunchy thin, Brooklyn style and artisan pizzas; bread bowl pastas, and oven baked sandwiches; chicken wings, cheesy breads and desserts. Delivery. 520 S. Hwy. 89 in Kmart Plaza, (307) 733-0330.

PINKY G’S The locals favorite! Voted Best Pizza in Jackson Hole 2012, 2013 and 2014. Seek out this hidden gem under the Pink Garter Theatre for NY pizza by the slice, salads, stromboli’s, calzones and many appetizers to choose from. Try the $7 ‘Triple S’ lunch special.Happy hours 10 p.m. - 12 a.m. Sun.Thu. Text PINK to 71441 for discounts. Delivery and take-out. Open daily 11a.m. to 2 a.m. 50 W. Broadway, (307) 734-PINK.

PIZZERIA CALDERA Jackson Hole’s only dedicated stone-hearth oven pizzeria, serving Napolitana-style pies using the freshest ingredients in traditional and creative combinations. Five local micro-brews on tap, a great selection of red and white wines by the glass and bottle, and one of the best views of the Town Square from our upstairs deck. Daily lunch special includes slice, salad or soup, any two for $8. Happy hour: half off drinks by the glass from 4 - 6 daily. Dine in or carry out. Or order online at PizzeriaCaldera.com, or download our app for iOS or Android. Open from 11am - 9:30pm daily at 20 West Broadway. 307-201-1472.

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L.A.TIMES “MISALIGNED” By Mark Bickham

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 2016

ACROSS

DOWN

10 Does as expected 20 “But enough about me” follower 30 Occasionally

40 Board VIP 50 Black toon duck 60 Alamo competitor 70 In the future 80 Farm girl 90 Greeting from Kermit 10 King in “The Tempest” 11 Put in stitches 12 Hot-button political platform term 13 Warner __ 14 Came apart 15 High degree 16 Fr. holy woman 19 Exclusion 20 Quite a bit 22 Fruit often dried 24 Shipping overnight, perhaps 30 Certain undercover cop 32 Andy’s son 33 Painter Rousseau 35 32-team gp.

37 “The Lord of the whole wood,” per Mr. Beaver 39 Blood typing concern 40 Worker with hides 41 Ball girl 43 Suffix with front 44 Sweet talk 49 Rites group 50 Titular character with no lines 52 “My eye!” in Minsk 56 “__ Aunt”: Little Rascals short 59 Cassis aperitif 61 Starts to bubble, maybe 64 NFL season opening mo.

66 Monastery garb 68 Easy read 70 Extremely 72 Production design team member

73 Said farewell to 74 Resort area souvenirs 76 With “a,” eminently skilled at, as disguise 78 Severe disrepute 80 Be carried gently 82 Explorer __ da Gama 83 “The Young Lions” novelist 84 External Jeep attachment 87 Napoleon’s légion 89 Mountain State: Abbr.

92 List-limiting letters 94 Gram 95 Our Gang assent 98 Makes it big 99 Dogpatch conditional 103 Rides to the prom 104 Sinatra trademark 105 They may be rough 110 Black-and-white swimmers 111 Bit of a chuckle 113 Mimicked 115 “The Good Earth” wife 117 Hendrix hairdo 119 Wee 120 Granada gold 121 Meal opener 122 Food service trade org.

JANUARY 27, 2016 | 27

77 It receives many returns: Abbr.

79 Become less hostile 81 Frigate front 82 Meas. reduced by fog 85 Major conflict 86 Country singer McCann 88 Picnic side 90 Place for a nail 91 Van Cleef & __: French jeweler / perfumer 93 Red Label spirits 96 Crisis team acronym 97 Letters before F? 100 Mr. Knightley’s wife, in the novel of the same name 101 Leaning 102 Clique 106 Olympic hawk 107 Teen’s opening number?

108 Actress Ryan 109 Close 110 Common rejoinder in oneupmanship 112 “Full House” actor 114 Forest female 116 Rhein tributary 118 MLX ÷ X 119 Vivien Leigh’s last film 121 Misaligned ... or, literally, a perfectly aligned aspect of seven answers in this puzzle 123 Farm girls 124 Polonius hid behind one 125 Razor brand 126 Source 127 Blown away 128 Reddish horse 129 General __ chicken 130 Shelter sounds

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

10 Time to hang on?

50 Dinner __ 90 Trunk hardware 13 Future flowers 17 Sheltered area 18 Declare frankly 19 NFL Titan, before 1999 20 “But I could be wrong” 21 Place of business 23 Powerful display 25 49-Down counterpart: Abbr.

26 “Assuming that’s true ... ” 27 Heap 28 Sics on 29 Like some guitar music 31 Comic Jay 34 Not nice at all 36 U.S. govt. broadcaster 38 Mandlikova of ’80s tennis 39 Recidivists 42 Louise __, National Book Award winner for “The Round House” 45 Empire with provinces called suyu 46 Superman nemesis Luthor 47 Hebrew for “skyward” 48 Olive branch 51 Still being tested, as software 53 Objectivism advocate Rand 54 Stadium shaker 55 “There __ darkness but ignorance”: “Twelfth Night” 56 Undefined number 57 Thieves’ room?

58 Cheat 60 Wound covering 62 __ center 63 Sweater sizes: Abbr.

65 Ancient Roman garment 67 Camaro option 69 Where shakes may be seen 71 Udder parts 75 Quarterback Tony

| PLANET JACKSON HOLE |

28 | JANUARY 27, 2016

Hug Therapy Embracing the built-in benefits of the clutch and cuddle.

G

enuine caring hugs feel great and are a built-in, natural and cost-free way to enjoy better physical and emotional well-being. We are wired to experience touch as reassuring, and scientists have discovered the far-reaching reasons for and benefits of the feel-good factor.

Hug Hormones

Oxytocin Hugs stimulate the production of oxytocin in the brain. This amazing biochemical evokes the feeling of contentment and lays the foundation for interpersonal bonding. It also lowers blood pressure and heart rate while reducing the stress hormone, cortisol.

Though women are more associated with the bonding benefits of oxytocin, studies show for me, it also has a positive effect on levels of happiness, affection and connection in men.

Dopamine Hugs stimulate dopamine, another of the feel-good hormones. Dopamine is the pleasure hormone. MRI and PET scans reveal that when you give and receive hugs your brain releases dopamine. The brain even initiates dopamine in anticipation of a hug.

Another benefit of balanced dopamine levels is that it contributes to feeling motivated in life.

Seratonin This biochemical contributes to feeling that you matter and you are wanted. Both loneliness and depression occur when serotonin levels are too low. Reaching out and hugging releases endorphins and serotonin into the blood vessels. The released endorphins and serotonin cause pleasure as they negate pain and sadness. Hugging for an extended time lifts one’s serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.

A Few More Benefits Hugs promote a feeling of relaxation, of being cared about and feeling safe; all of which naturally boost our immune system. Another part of the relaxation response, which genuine hugs stimulate, calms and balances our parasympathetic nervous system. Aaaah.

Pet Cuddle Puddles Research demonstrates that cuddling with pets also creates the soothing and healthful effects of reducing stress levels, lowering blood pressure and heart rate, boosting immunity, and feeling safe and loved.

Hug Friendly JH One more delightful aspect of life in Jackson Hole is that the culture here is hug friendly. Now you know the science behind why sharing heartfelt hugs is such a plus!

Reach out often. Be present when giving and receiving hugs. And of course continue loving on your animals, too. PJH

Carol Mann is a longtime Jackson resident, radio personality, former Grand Targhee Resort owner, author, and clairvoyant.

Got a Cosmic Question? Email carol@yourcosmiccafe.com

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) People turn to you Tauruses for help in staying grounded.

They love to soak up your down-to-earth pragmatism.

They want your steadfastness to rub off on them, to provide them with the stability they see in you. You should be proud of this service you offer! It’s a key part of your appeal. Now and then, though, you need to demonstrate that your stalwart dependability is not static and stagnant— that it’s strong exactly because it’s flexible and adaptable.

The coming weeks will be an excellent time to emphasize this aspect of your superpower.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) When winter comes, pine trees that grow near mountaintops may not be able to draw water and minerals from the ground through their roots. The sustenance they require is frozen. Luckily, their needle-like leaves absorb moisture from clouds and fog, and drink in minerals that float on the wind. Metaphorically speaking, Gemini, this will be your preferred method for getting nourished in the coming weeks. For the time being, look up to obtain what you need. Be fed primarily by noble ideals, big visions, divine inspiration and high-minded people.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) We all go through phases when we are at odds with people we love. Maybe we’re mad at them, or feel hurt by them, or can’t comprehend what they’re going through. The test of our commitment is how we act when we are in these moods. That’s why I agree with author Steve Hall when he says, “The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” The coming weeks will be an important time for you to practice this principle with extra devotion—not just for the sake of the people you care about, but also for your own physical, mental and spiritual health.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) After fighting and killing each other for years on end, the Roman and Persian armies agreed to a truce in 532 A.D. The treaty was optimistically called “The Endless Peace.”

Sadly, “endless” turned out to be just eight years. By 540, hostilities resumed. I’m happy to announce, though, that your prospects for accord and rapprochement are much brighter. If you work diligently to negotiate an endless peace anytime between now and March 15, it really is likely to last a long time.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) “I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people, to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole.” Author Lauren Oliver wrote that, and now I’m offering it to you, just in time for your season of correction and adjustment. The coming weeks will be a favorable time for you to get smarter about evaluating your allies— and maybe even one of your adversaries, as well. I expect you will find it relatively easy, even pleasurable, to overcome your misimpressions and deepen your incomplete understandings.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) In June 1942, the U.S. Navy crushed Japanese naval forces at the Battle of Midway. It was a turning point that was crucial to America’s ultimate victory over Japan in World

War II. One military historian called it “the most stunning and decisive blow in the history of naval warfare.” This milestone occurred just six months after Japan’s devastating attack on U.S. forces at Pearl Harbor. To compare your life to these two events may be bombastic, but I’m in a bombastic mood as I contemplate your exciting possibilities. I predict that in the second half of 2016, you’ll claim a victory that will make up for a loss or defeat you endured during the last few months of 2015. And right now is when you can lay the groundwork for that future triumph.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Playwright Edmond Rostand (1868-1918) had a lot of friends, and they often came to visit him uninvited. He found it hard to simply tell them to go away and leave him alone. And yet he hated to be interrupted while he was working. His solution was to get naked and write for long hours while in his bathroom, usually soaking in the bathtub. His intrusive friends rarely had the nerve to insist on socializing. In this way, Rostand found the peace he needed to create his masterpiece Cyrano de Bergerac, as well as numerous other plays. I suggest you consider a comparable gambit, Scorpio. You need to carve out some quality alone time.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) “I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn’t.” The preceding reminiscence belongs to a character in Khaled Hosseini’s novel The Kite Runner. I bring it up in hopes that you will do the opposite: Say the words that need to be said. Articulate what you’re burning to reveal.

Speak the truths that will send your life on a course that’s in closer alignment with your pure intentions.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) According to some traditional astrologers, you Capricorns are vigilant to avoid loss. Old horoscope books suggest that you may take elaborate measures to avoid endangering what you have accumulated. To ensure that you will never run out of what you need, you may even ration your output and limit your self-expression. This behavior is rooted in the belief that you should conserve your strength by withholding or even hiding your power. While there may be big grains of truth in this conventional view of you Capricorns, I think it’s only part of the story. In the coming weeks, for instance, I bet you will wield your clout with unabashed authority. You won’t save yourself for later; you’ll engage in no strategic self-suppression. Instead, you will be expansive and unbridled as you do whatever’s required to carry out the important foundation work that needs to be done.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) “It seems that the whole time you’re living this life, you’re thinking about a different one instead,” wrote Latvian novelist Inga Abele in her novel High Tide. Have you ever been guilty of that, Aquarius? Probably. Most of us have at one time or another. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the coming months will bring you excellent opportunities to graduate forever from this habit. Not all at once, but gradually and incrementally, you can shed the idea that you should be doing something other than what you’re doing. You can get the hang of what it’s like to thoroughly accept and embrace the life you are actually living. And now is an excellent time to get started in earnest on this project.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) “Even nightingales can’t be fed on fairy tales,” says a character in Ivan Turgenev’s novel Fathers and Sons. In other words, these marvelous birds, which sing sublimely and have long been invoked by poets to symbolize lyrical beauty, need actual physical sustenance. They can’t eat dreamy stories. Having acknowledged that practical fact, however, I will suggest that right now you require dreamy stories and rambling fantasies and imaginary explorations almost as much as you need your daily bread. Your soul’s hunger has reached epic proportions. It’s time to gorge.

Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.

GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Do you know Emily Brontë’s novel Wuthering Heights?

At one point, the heroine Catherine tells her friend about Edgar, a man she’s interested in. “He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace,” Catherine says, “and I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive, and he said mine would be drunk. I said I should fall asleep in his, and he said he could not breathe in mine.” If you’re a typical Aries, you’re more aligned with Catherine than with Edgar. But I’m hoping you might consider making a temporary compromise in the coming weeks. “At last, we agreed to try both,” Catherine concluded, “and then we kissed each other and were friends.”

GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA SATIRE

New Year, New Nonsense

I

t’s the new year again and the time has come to make all those resolutions we have no intention of keeping. I will explain with a cautionary tale.

A friend of mine decided that she would spend the year becoming a physical goddess.

She would run a marathon in spite of the fact that she had rarely walked more than 10 feet.

She went to Wal-Mart, bought a pair of running shoes and began her quest. She started out at night because it was dark and no one could see her, and she took along the dog who did not want to run a marathon. At some point she fell over the dog and landed on the sidewalk, breaking a number of things.

Eventually, her children missed the dog and went to look for it, discovering their mother on the sidewalk. They wanted to know why she was there and she told them to get her the hell out of there. I’m sure she never ran a marathon and neither did the dog. I am telling you this to remind you that in the heat of battle, some people make dumb decisions that they come to regret.

I can remember when workout fever hit my hometown of Corn Cob, Iowa. Everyone ran out and either joined a gym or bought some expensive equipment they couldn’t afford and didn’t know how to use. The gym-goers lasted about two or three weeks, or until they realized that they didn’t have cute workout clothes and they would get terrible BO and shin splints. A number of young women thought they could meet hot guys there, but you know how that goes.

For a while the emergency room was filling up with victims who thought they could be like those people on TV and would soon have a “six pack.” The closest most of them came to a six pack was the refrigerator. Mavis

Here is Gallopin’ Grandma’s husband in high school, 1947. He is planning on running faster than a speeding train and leaping tall buildings in a single leap.

Merch, the mayor’s wife, bought one of those bars that fasten on to a doorframe like a curtain rod on which you can do pull ups and stuff. Mavis took a flying leap and bar, doorframe and Mavis catapulted into the next room. Worse came to Oscar Oscarson when he bought one of those incline treadmills.

He started off at a decent rate, but something went wrong (something always goes wrong) and the treadmill rocketed into warp speed.

Oscar whizzed off the back and kept going. I don’t think he ever used it again, but the dogs liked to ride up and down on it. He sold it at a garage sale for $10. The dogs were sorry to see it go.

Someone recently suggested that I could become a new me and look just like those stars on the red carpet. All I needed to do was to wear shapewear like they did. It would flatten my many lumps and I would look sleek and fabulous. When I was a kid, shapewear was something called a foundation garment, which looked like sheet metal and whalebone fastened together with rope. It flattened. Everything.

No, they said, this is just like underwear, all soft and stretchy. I got some and when I finally struggled into the top it rolled up under my arms like a window shade. I then attempted the bottoms but they had molecular properties and bonded with my skin. The lumps went away but I felt like one of those rubber toys you squeeze and the eyes pop out. Mine did. I cut the shapewear off with a pair of scissors. I heard a bang, and my lumps leapt out into the fresh air where they were glad to be.

I don’t think there needs to be a new me.

I have been friends with the old me for a very long time and we are used to us. We spent a lot of effort digging our cozy rut and we are happy there. At our age, we are happy to be anywhere. PJH

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