THE THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY ABOUT ME

By Carrie Fleetwood B.A., M.Ed., R.P., O.A.M.H.P.

relationships are rarely easy.

Each partner brings an array of hopes, realities, disappointments, challenges, rewards, and successes to the table. And we all have expectations we place on ourselves and on our partners. Ideally, we work as a team to meet those expectations but all too often, we fail miserably.

Things get particularly challenging when one partner is gone half the month or more, isn’t home for the frequent small or occasional big decisions, and can have a set of expectations that might be realistic at work, but not at home. Sound familiar?

First responders work in intense environments with little to no margin for error, and where repetition, practice, and perfection are key to the best outcome. While dealing in absolutes is expected at work, it can become a detriment to home life. Why is it so hard for a first responder to let

the small things go at home – knowing well enough that perfectionistic behaviour is a relationship-killer?

When you get home from work, do you ever catch yourself on the edge of anger at the sight of a sink full of dishes? Try as you might, does the edge in your voice still sneak out? Does a pile of laundry and a mess of toys make you feel frustrated and disappointed? Surely your partner had the time, or should have made the time to clean. You know you would have!

Why is there such a feeling of disappointment when our expectations aren’t met? Rest easy – you’re not alone.

Let’s break down these reactions to some basics that every first responder couple should understand.

When you feel anger it’s usually because a boundary is being crossed. It’s important to use that anger as information – not to react to it – but to communicate and negotiate boundaries. Learn to use the simple phrase "I feel X when you do/don’t do Y" but wait until you’ve calmed down before you speak. Listen carefully to what your partner is expressing and, rather than responding defensively (a huge relationship-killer), look for things you can empathize with and ways you can express appreciation. Then respectfully make a boundary request: e.g. "When you‘re home and I arrive with groceries, would you mind carrying them in while I begin putting them away?"

take responsibility for your own emotions:

Keep in mind that you were probably attracted to your spouse initially because they had qualities you didn`t. Maybe one of you was more flexible, easy-going, and socially adept while the other was more rigid, organized, and socially anxious. After the honeymoon phase of your relationship, did these qualities surprisingly start to feel like laziness or control-seeking? When you feel strong emotions, learn to make requests. If something is that important to you, it can wait a few hours or even days until you’ve moved past the intense emotion phase and can present a request calmly. "Honey, since we have very different styles in the way we approach the kids and the housework – and neither is necessarily right or wrong – I’m wondering if you would be willing to help me re-enter homelife after work by having the dishes put away (or toys stored, tea made, laundry folded, etc.)?" Make one specific request, not three or four. When you feel resentment creeping up inside, it’s usually a sign that you need to make a request so don’t ignore it. Since you each likely have your own history of trauma, the last thing you need is to be side-swiped by something you hadn’t anticipated. By arranging a time to discuss sensitive feelings, you’re showing respect for your partner. Just because "now" would be the best time for you, doesn’t mean it’s the best moment for your spouse. Younger ears in the room shouldn’t have to listen to uncensored banter that can too easily escalate to a loud, long, hurtful "emotion dump" so choose your times carefully. On a happier note, make it a priority to have fun together! Enjoy outdoor activities whenever possible without the kids. You might already feel guilty for the time you spend away from them for work but remember – it’s essential to safeguard the "coupleship" and not make your relationship all about work and the children. Dinner and a movie is great occasionally but outdoor activity enables you to breathe fresh air and get your body moving to increase your serotonin levels naturally. Doing that with the one you love helps you feel that natural "high" together. In my work with couples, I like to settle the question of tone early: If your spouse says you have a tone – you have one! This can short circuit the endless “I didn’t like your tone/I didn’t have a tone” argument. If you can’t say what you want to say without sounding sarcastic, condescending, or angry then save it for a time when you can be more in control of your emotions.

put guardrails around your relationship:

Working as a first responder means constantly thinking about challenging situations and feeling intense emotions. Someone you work with can understand that far more easily than your spouse, who doesn’t work in this field. But try to avoid having those long, deep conversations with a colleague who could potentially affirm you and listen to you in ways that your spouse doesn’t or hasn’t for a long time. Many first responders spend more waking hours with their work mates than with their spouses so if you feel attracted to someone you work with, don’t be alarmed, but don’t keep it a secret. Find a good friend or a therapist to help you come back to reality and take the power out of the fantasy.

Learning how to listen to your partner’s concerns and to communicate your own thoughts well is a sign of respect that shows you’re willing to be an active part of dealing with both sets of expectations and mending any bridges you may have unintentionally burned by attacking/blaming or disparagng your partner. A first responder’s job isn’t easy, but neither is the job of

a partner who has a career of his or her own or is home all day

managing the responsibilities you can’t, simply because you’re not there. Have the courage to admit where you’ve gone wrong. Humble yourself, apologize and begin practising some of the strategies we’ve just discussed while adding a healthy dose of forgiveness. You might just begin to see again the person that

you once fell in love with!