FART THE ART O F THE

A Short History Of Flatulence

By Martha Chapman

Ancient Romans giggled over them. In the 1500s, a British aristocrat left the royal court in shame after letting one rip in front of Queen Elizabeth I. And since the beginning of time, we have cooed and chuckled when babies emit adorable wee ones.

We are speaking, of course, about farts. Officially known as flatulence, farts are little explosions of air (often accompanied by a sulphuric smell) that are the evidence of the activity of the bacteria in your gut as it helps move waste through your body. As air builds up in your system it has to find a way out, and there are only two options: burping or farting.

APPARENTLY WE FART BETWEEN FIVE AND 25 TIMES A DAY.

If it’s any consolation (and it won’t be to your sleeping partner or firehouse mates) we fart more when asleep, when both social conventions and our sphincters are more relaxed.

On the good news front, flatulence is actually good for you, and a necessary part of digestion. It signals a healthy digestive tract and helps your bowels move. And we all do it, from presidents to beauty queens to your mother-inlaw – and in every corner of the world including Denmark, where a fart is a “prut”, Germany (“furz”) and Holland (“scheet”). In New Zealand, apparently after some people fart in public they say “An empty house is better than a bad tenant.” (For more international hilarity, check out “Funniest fart commercials” on YouTube. I did, in the cause of research for this story.) Spend enough time in the truck with your crew and you’ll be able to identify each member’s particular “brand” of farts.

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WHAT BRINGS ON FARTS?

Many vegetables, including beans (remember that huge batch of chili you cooked up for the firehouse crew a few weeks ago?), lentils, cabbage, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussel sprouts and asparagus. Lots of these are called cruciferous vegetables. If that sounds familiar, it’s probably because you’ve heard how good they are for you, thanks to their high vitamin C content and potential cancer-fighting properties. Bran, milk/dairy and eggs can also bring on the flatulence orchestra. And yes, it all gets worse with age.

WHAT IF YOU’D LIKE TO CUT BACK ON YOUR FARTING?

Recommendations include drinking more water, eating smaller meals more frequently, and eating slowly. Avoid soda and beer, with all their gassy bubbles. Even gum-chewing or drinking through a straw can result in your ingesting more air, which, as we have learned, has to come out somewhere. And, if need be, there are over-the-counter remedies designed to help cut down on your fragrant emissions and make you significantly more popular at the firehouse.

When does farting become more than an embarrassment and morph into an actual health concern? When it is accompanied by cramps or bloating, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and/or bloody stools. Then it’s time to seek medical attention.

So what ever happened to that aristocrat who “cut the cheese” in front of Queen Elizabeth I back in the 1500s? Evidently he was so ashamed he left the court, travelling for seven years before slinking back, whereupon the Queen greeted him with “My lord! I had quite forgotten about the fart.” A claim to fame indeed.