LETTING GO

BY ANTHONY GONZALEZ

Letting Go!! But how? That is the most common question I get from anyone struggling to detach from an expectation, a hurt, a resent- ment or an anxiety about the future. It’s a complicated question, as there are no fully concrete steps to achieve a sense of relief or internal calm. How do we truly move toward “letting go”?

Full transparency, I don’t really know either. This process is depen- dent upon so many intersecting factors, including our own sense of ego and identity, the emotional connection to what we are strug- gling with, our life experiences that have created paradigms and rules about how life works, our perspective on justice or simple right and wrong. I could go on, and you can consider all the dif- ferent elements you may wrestle with when this process is haunting you.

I find it essential to consider what you are holding onto in order to move toward acceptance. We will often attach ourselves to a “should”, and expectation of how we hoped reality would be, and feel hurt, disappointed or angry when these desires are not met. This can then prompt us to create a story as to why it happened, which will often churn up our insecurities or vulnerabilities that we are not ready or able to sit with. A story will be written in our minds as to “why”, and we resist accepting this reality because of what it may mean about us. If someone hurts us, is it because they don’t care, or maybe we think it’s because we don’t feel worthy of better treatment, so we fight for answers that help to calm our inner dialogue.

“Letting go” is moving toward the acceptance of the unknown. This requires focusing more intensely on how we regulate our own emo- tional responses to the world around us. Here are some steps to consider as we move through this process.

1. Remaining curious. We develop a practice of seek- ing understanding of others. This is balanced with equal atten- tion to understanding our own needs. We often struggle to let go because we become rigid that facts should be different. DBT teaches that all things have a cause, and it is better to understand the causes of reality than to simply judge our reality. And we can be curious about where our reactions are coming from and what is keeping us unsettled. We can only change what we are aware of.

2. Offering compassion. Compassion is an act of con- cern and consideration. When we want to let go of our anger or resentment, we make efforts to find empathy for another person, the pain they may be experiencing that leads to their hurtful ac- tions or words. This does not mean we relinquish others from accountability, it actually allows us to move toward necessary change when can reflect on both our hurts and others’ pain with validation. When we comfort our own pain, we feel safer in let- ting go of the protection.

3. Allowing equality. At times, our inability to accept in rooted in our ego, our pride. While we must instill limits and very healthy boundaries in our lives, we must also accept the nature of humanity, that we can all make mistakes, all short or cause harm unintentionally. When we can see others in this light, we are more likely to achieve compassion and remain curious. Letting go of expectation is deep-rooted in allowing our lives to unfold with- out forcing, dialectically balanced with prioritizing self-respect.

If you would like to explore this more for yourself, I can strongly recommend The Art of Living by Thich Nhat Hanh and Let That Shit Go by Nina Purewal. Namaste.

Anthony Gonzalez, LCSW, QS