Partner Envy

MINDFULNESS

envy

PARTNER

BY ANTHONY GONZALEZ, LCSW

Let’s be honest - our relationships

are not perfect.

No matter what we post on social media, how grand we make our lives, or how financially or professionally successful we become, we still face the challenges of our human imperfection in our relationships. Particularly in our ever-opening society and the digital outlets of our lives, I am seeing an increasing vulnerability to toxic comparisons between and within our most important relationships.

Envy, from an emotional experience perspective, is rooted in the way in which we compare ourselves to others and judge our experience as somehow “less than,” often resulting in a fragile ego state or poor sense of self worth. We are equals, plain and simple.

Yet, even in my own marriage of 17 years, I have found myself victim to these intrusive emotions. My wife is a natural with communication. She can hold a conversation with anyone. For many years, this was a fairly persistent struggle of mine, and I would often find myself feeling envy of her. Questions

persisted like “What is wrong with me?” and “Why can’t this come more easily to me?”

Envy often manifests in relationships when our insecurities or feelings of inferiority go unchecked, and one partner (or both) begins to judge their experience or station in life. This will often lead to anger, which becomes toxic in the relationship. When we are unsure how to communicate this emotion, or even understand its function, it will be suppressed or projected unfairly onto our partner. We tend to envy when we think our lives would be “better” with the things, characteristics, titles, money, etc., that others seem to have. And, this ultimately serves to erode the beauty, gratitude, and appreciation for what and who you already are in your relationship.

Envy also grows out of our struggle with self-worth. We compare ourselves to those with “more” influence, or who we find as “more” attractive, “more” successful, and “more” intelligent. This creates a perceived imbalance in achievement, and this experience can also be tied to social, gender, and cultural expectations.

“We are equals, plain and simple.”

For our entire marriage, my wife has been the breadwinner (which I am grateful for!), and it would be very easy for me to fall into envy given our strong cultural expectations, which I’m glad are finally shifting. I feel sure many successful women reading this can relate to the challenge of balancing our unspoken cultural expectations and their own drive to excel. Partner envy can manifest in relationships when we lose trust that our partner is happy with us or may fear they would be happier with someone else (enter jealousy). The primary difference here is that envy is desire for what you do not have, while jealousy is fear of losing what we are attached to and that which we feel is threatened. And, both are rooted in self-judgment, insecurity, and shame.

our “Primary” and “Secondary” emotions. Primary emotions are what we truly feel, at our core. Secondary emotions are often what we show that we feel. For example, I may feel like a poor husband because I don’t make as much money as the next door neighbor (Primary) and begin to envy their “stuff.” If I don’t know how to be vulnerable and honest about these feelings, I will likely express that in anger (Secondary) toward my partner, criticizing or withdrawing. We project these emotions out as they normally feel safer than the raw vulnerability of our Primary emotions, and yet, little in our lives is resolved by only dealing with the Secondary surface.

The most important step in both understanding and working to change this potential pattern in a relationship is to better differentiate

Another area I have observed with many in my practice is that we can develop envy within our relationship when we have children. Maybe your child responds to one parent better than the other. Or, one parent may end up spending more time with a child than the other. If we judge our role, this can become insidious. We struggle to find our value if we are hyper-focused on what we lack in comparison to others, rather than focusing on our own strengths and capabilities.

How do we overcome this?

Get ‘straight up honest’ with ourselves. Sometimes we shy away from these types of emotions because they can be so uncomfortable and can breed shame. When we’re open with our partners, we open dialogue that alleviates our fears of self-judgment or rejection. This can work to create closer bonds when we allow for these more intimate disclosures, and it can create greater understanding of how you see yourself within the relationship.

Be vulnerable with your partner. Share these feelings if they are becoming intrusive on the relationship. Opening the door to how one feels about the self works to build trust and allows for you as a couple to walk more closely together. This type of openness will hopefully create dialogue and opportunity for reciprocal validation and change.

and take within strong relationships. Each of you fills different roles, and that is okay. You can grow in appreciation for one another’s strengths when you are receiving validation of your own. Learn to accept the Yin and Yang that likely drew you together. Praise your partner for the strengths and the qualities that you truly value. This can lead to genuine Balance in the relationship.

Be Mindful. Acceptance of where you are remains the only way to truly work toward change. You’re building greater appreciation and gratitude for the strengths that each of you share and how this contributes to YOUR relationship, instead of comparing to others. Acceptance of the present moment is the truest form of esteem. And, mindfulness of non-judgment will help clear self-critique clouded by Secondary emotions.

If you are finding yourself lost in the confusion of toxic envy, work to get open and honest, and challenge the perceived catastrophe of vulnerability. And, with this deeper understanding, you will ultimately help one another to be better both individually and as a couple!

Let envy be instructive. If there are things you want, GREAT! Couples can always improve. Let those who are better or more successful be guides rather than the mirror by which we negatively judge ourselves. Don’t simply try to keep up with the Joneses – instead learn from them. I can honestly say that I have learned to be a good business man from my wife. I still to this day run every decision by her, not simply out of respect, but more because I believe she knows more about business than I do, and I deeply value her instruction and insight.

Apply transactional health in your relationship. There is always a healthy give

Anthony is the Clinical Director at The Delray Center in Delray Beach, FL, which is one of the most clinically and medically advanced mental health treatment centers in the United States. Anthony is a proud alumnus of the University of Kansas School of Social Welfare. Anthony has advanced therapeutic training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Prolonged Exposure Therapy.