MINDFULNESS
envy PARTNER
BY ANTHONY GONZALEZ, LCSW
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et’s be honest - our relationships are not perfect.
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No matter what we post on social media, how grand we make our lives, or how financially or professionally successful we become, we still face the challenges of our human imperfection in our relationships. Particularly in our ever-opening society and the digital outlets of our lives, I am seeing an increasing vulnerability to toxic comparisons between and within our most important relationships. Envy, from an emotional experience perspective, is rooted in the way in which we compare ourselves to others and judge our experience as somehow “less than,” often resulting in a fragile ego state or poor sense of self worth. We are equals, plain and simple. Yet, even in my own marriage of 17 years, I have found myself victim to these intrusive emotions. My wife is a natural with communication. She can hold a conversation with anyone. For many years, this was a fairly persistent struggle of mine, and I would often find myself feeling envy of her. Ques-
tions persisted like “What is wrong with me?” and “Why can’t this come more easily to me?” Envy often manifests in relationships when our insecurities or feelings of inferiority go unchecked, and one partner (or both) begins to judge their experience or station in life. This will often lead to anger, which becomes toxic in the relationship. When we are unsure how to communicate this emotion, or even understand its function, it will be suppressed or projected unfairly onto our partner. We tend to envy when we think our lives would be “better” with the things, characteristics, titles, money, etc., that others seem to have. And, this ultimately serves to erode the beauty, gratitude, and appreciation for what and who you already are in your relationship. Envy also grows out of our struggle with self-worth. We compare ourselves to those with “more” influence, or who we find as “more” attractive, “more” successful, and “more” intelligent. This creates a perceived imbalance in achievement, and this experience can also be tied to social, gender, and cultural expectations.
“We are equals, plain and simple.” For our entire marriage, my wife has been the breadwinner (which I am grateful for!), and it would be very easy for me to fall into envy given our strong cultural expectations, which I’m glad are finally shifting. I feel sure many successful women reading this can relate to the challenge of balancing our unspoken cultural expectations and their own drive to excel. Partner envy can manifest in relationships when we lose trust that our partner is happy with us or may fear they would be happier with someone else (enter jealousy). The primary difference here is that envy is desire for what you do not have, while jealousy is fear of losing what we are attached to and that which we feel is threatened. And, both are rooted in self-judgment, insecurity, and shame. The most important step in both understanding and working to change this potential pattern in a relationship is to better differenti-
ate our “Primary” and “Secondary” emotions. Primary emotions are what we truly feel, at our core. Secondary emotions are often what we show that we feel. For example, I may feel like a poor husband because I don’t make as much money as the next door neighbor (Primary) and begin to envy their “stuff.” If I don’t know how to be vulnerable and honest about these feelings, I will likely express that in anger (Secondary) toward my partner, criticizing or withdrawing. We project these emotions out as they normally feel safer than the raw vulnerability of our Primary emotions, and yet, little in our lives is resolved by only dealing with the Secondary surface. Another area I have observed with many in my practice is that we can develop envy within our relationship when we have children. Maybe your child responds to one parent better than the other. Or, one parent may end up
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