Non-Judgement and Imperfection

MINDFULNESS

MINDFULNESS OF NON-JUDGMENT AND IMPERFECTION

BY ANTHONY GONZALEZ, LCSW

Imperfection is inevitable, yet this is a truth that few of us can seem to accept. Brene Brown seems to have been one of the few to be able to speak to this truth in such a comprehensible way.

In her exceptional book, The Gift of Imperfection, she posits, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle.”

This is a very difficult dialectic for most of us to balance, particularly working women who must manage the expectations of so many demanding roles in their lives, often leading to the creation of unattainable beliefs or “shoulds.” We have impossible expectations of ourselves to be perfect, to succeed in all of our goals flawlessly, with grace and dignity, and still have enough energy to care for our minds and bodies.

After all, why “shouldn’t” a successful woman or man be able to do this, right?

However, an inner critic that is motivating from a place of judgment far too often drives this. We have come to believe and accept that if we don’t achieve, we don’t parent perfectly, we don’t impress our supervisor or colleague, and we don’t make a healthy dinner every night, then somehow we are failing. This perception of failure then creates even more pressure and judgment on ourselves.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy defines that there are three functions of emotions - to motivate us to action, to communicate to others, and to validate our experiences. The self-judgment that comes with this drive for perfectionism often serves the function to avoid the guilt or shame we may experience with perceived disappointment, to gain acceptance or approval of others, or to try to maintain some semblance of order in our lives when we may be otherwise feeling out of control.

While these motivations are understandable as protective, they lead to invalidation of our efforts and genuine value sets. This judgment of self establishes the measurement of “good” without any flexibility or room for change, and even less room for defined success. Most people work with an honest effort and intention, and they rarely give themselves enough credit. Mindfulness

that generate anxiety, as when we are not labeling our circumstances as good or bad, we can more clearly see them for what they are and problem solve accordingly.

Feelings are not facts. And yet, we believe them with certainty. Mindfulness of non-judgment helps us to move away from labeling our experiences as good nor bad, which in turn helps remove the consequential branding of ourselves as failure or success.

of non-judgment is a core tenet of achieving a state of wise mind and balance.

Developing a practice in mindfulness of non-judgment pushes us to accept reality as it is, rather than placing a “should” on our existence. We can validate our longing to always get the outcome we desire and accept that we may fall short at times. Irrational beliefs and myths around approval and acceptance are often rooted in our early childhood experiences, and they may be very difficult to challenge. Practicing Mindfulness of non-judgment allows us to work toward development of a healthier internal dialogue that allows for imperfection and fluidity of success. Mindfulness practice is not simply relaxing and achieving a quiet mind. Rather, it is strengthening our ability to accept moments as they are - in that we are, by nature, imperfect beings and doing the best we can while striving to do better for ourselves.

Mindfulness of non-judgment helps us to challenge the irrational or improbable fears

I often tell my clients that failure is in the effort, not the outcome. We can be good enough for today and allow for the acceptance that we are doing the best we can, while continuously striving to do better. Working hard and facing fears, all while accepting that the only failure is in an experience from which we do not grow. That is the beautiful dialectic of imperfection.

Anthony is the Clinical Director at The Delray Center in Delray Beach, FL, which is one of the most clinically and medically advanced mental health treatment centers in the United States. Anthony is a proud alumnus of the University of Kansas School of Social Welfare. Anthony has advanced therapeutic training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Prolonged Exposure Therapy.