MINDFULNESS
MINDFULNESS OF NON-JUDGMENT AND IMPERFECTION BY ANTHONY GONZALEZ, LCSW
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mperfection is inevitable, yet this is a truth that few of us can seem to accept. Brene Brown seems to have been one of the few to be able to speak to this truth in such a comprehensible way.
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In her exceptional book, The Gift of Imperfection, she posits, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle.” This is a very difficult dialectic for most of us to balance, particularly working women who must manage the expectations of so many demanding roles in their lives, often leading to the creation of unattainable beliefs or “shoulds.” We have impossible expectations of ourselves to be perfect, to succeed in all of our goals flawlessly, with grace and dignity, and still have enough energy to care for our minds and bodies. After all, why “shouldn’t” a successful woman or man be able to do this, right? However, an inner critic that is motivat-
ing from a place of judgment far too often drives this. We have come to believe and accept that if we don’t achieve, we don’t parent perfectly, we don’t impress our supervisor or colleague, and we don’t make a healthy dinner every night, then somehow we are failing. This perception of failure then creates even more pressure and judgment on ourselves. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy defines that there are three functions of emotions - to motivate us to action, to communicate to others, and to validate our experiences. The self-judgment that comes with this drive for perfectionism often serves the function to avoid the guilt or shame we may experience with perceived disappointment, to gain acceptance or approval of others, or to try to maintain some semblance of order in our lives when we may be otherwise feeling out of control. While these motivations are understandable as protective, they lead to invalidation of our efforts and genuine value sets. This judgment of self establishes the measurement of “good” without any flexibility or room for change, and even less room for defined success. Most people work with an honest effort and intention, and they rarely give themselves enough credit. Mindfulness
