Grok #3 2016

FREE Issue #3 2016 Published

by Curtin Student Guild

D E A LI N G WIT H ST R ES S S U R P R I S E ! YO U ’ R E D U M P E D ST U D E N T B EG G A RS C A N B E C H O OS E RS S LOS H ’ S BA R & G R I L L

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1.

4-7.

10.

16.

8.

12.

19.

Club News

Surprise! You're Dumped

9.

14.

YO U R STUDENT REPS

Catch up on all the goss from around the Guild!

STUDENT ASSIST Dealing With Stress

From Where You'd Rather Be: Reykjavic, Iceland

Confessions of a Gay Girl

Poetry

20.

ONWARDS

Student Beggars Can be Choosers

REVIEWS

SLOSH’S BAR & GRILL: Hot Sauce & Craf t Beer Wine & Cheese Platter 5-DOLL AR WINE CRITIC FOOD: Greens & Cock MUSIC: Human Buoy / Edie Green

Issue #3 / 2016

Contact

Contributors

Grok exists for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed therin are not necessarily that of Curtin Student Guild.

Email // grok@guild.curtin.edu.au

Grok would not exist were it not for the generous donation of time and effort of its contributors, to whom we are eternally grateful.

Editor // Caitlin Creeper / Stephanie McGann Music Editor // Jasmine Uitermark-Thuang

Chloe Macri / Rebecca Chrisholm / Emma McDougall / Joe Wilson / Josh Soutar / Jasmine Uitermark-Thuang / Gossip Gay

Art Direction & Design // Rozanna Johnson Cover // Nathanael Whale Printed on 100% recycled paper.

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Caitlin Creeper

EDITORIAL

2016 Grok Editor

2.

H I GU YS , I’ve got some news so I’m just going to rip it like a Band-Aid—this is going to be my last issue as editor for Grok.

As uni students, we’re used to trying to cram as much as possible into our lives. We want it all. We want that degree, that internship, that social life, family life, to at least attempt to maintain a semi-regular gym regime and intermittent trips away. Add to that the need to tend to the deep, dark, empty abyss of despair that is our bank account from time to time, especially now that the whole Centrelink debacle seems to have become a game of ‘How Few Fucks can the Australian Government Give About its Students?’.

So we must also uphold casual/ parttime/ full-time employment, too.

I mean, how much you work really depends on how many times a month you can bear having a family member or friend quietly whisper ‘lunch is on me’ to you at your café catchups (my limit is three times in one month before the storm of shame and self-hatred descends upon mehence why I moonlight as a burritorolling queen at Zambreezy’s). On top of that, especially if you’re an arts student, we’re well aware our

chances of gaining employment on a bachelor’s degree alone is about as likely as attending that 8am lecture we signed ourselves up for at the start of the semester (naw, bless our wellintentioned, start-of-semester self).

And so, a lot of us feel like we’re running on a caffeinated hamster wheel at all times, trying to keep all these balls in the air (giggity). But is that all life is? Just staying afloat, keeping our heads just above the water? I want Grok to be the best it can be because the publication means so much to me.

But I also want to follow a few other projects that have set me on fire in the past few months.

I’ve realised I can’t do everything. I really, really want to. But I can’t. All of us decide what we prioritise, where we draw the line when it comes to making this whole ‘trying-to-be-good-at-life’ thing work. Personally I don’t want to go to sleep feeling like I’ve just ticked another thing off a to-do list, another day marked ‘done’, my life’s worth measured by my productivity. So I’ve had to let some things go. Some hours, some units, some projects, some things really, dearly important to me.

It might look counterproductive but it’s right for me right now.

You might agree. You might think “there’s no room in the trenches for whiny little bitches”. Either way I love Grok like crazy and it deserves someone who is going to make it a front-and-centre priority, as I am no longer able to do. This is why I’m leaving this glorious publication in the very capable hands of Stephanie McGann, who has co-edited with me on the issue you currently hold.

Steph’s a badass. Steph is a hell of a writer and a powerhouse of an editor.

She’s a dreamer with a head full-tobursting with ideas and a damn good journalist. I have never met someone else as freakishly passionate about magazines as I am and could, and often do, get lost in hours-long conversations with her about them, the industry, and this vocational mindfuckery we choose to partake in that is: writing.

She also has the most leatherboundbooks-and-rich-mahogany voice I’ve ever heard. Seriously. If you ever see her around say hello and be soothed by what will feel like an orgasm for your ears.* Steph’s also real. She’s upfront about the messiness of human experience.

She doesn’t sugar coat situations, her own or others. She’s the kind of human-y human I feel like the world needs damn more of and I can’t wait to see her take Grok to magical new places. Can you see yourself being published in these pages? Hit her up at grok@guild.curtin.edu.au.

(We also strongly agree that Curtin tutors Helen Crompton and Jane Armstrong are quite possibly the two raddest women who ever lived and if at any stage you got/get to be taught by them you must gather their pearls of wisdom and hoard them until you die.)

Finally I just wanted to do a quick thank you to everyone who has been a part of Grok for the past year and a half who made it such a pleasure for me to be editor. To all my contributors who have given their time, creativity and efforts and put a slab of their heart out there for the world to see in any of the issues, I can’t thank you

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I wanted to thank the Guild for the awesome opportunity and more specifically our designer Rozie. Man, that support in all those last-minute emails at all crazy hours of the night, the way you can take giant globs of text and turn it all into a bangin’ magazine, those awesome existential chats about art and creativity, just thankyou, thankyou, thankyou you absolute queen.

And thanks so fucking much to you guys, the readers. I know it looks like it’s bleak times and all to be a uni student. I know it’s likely to be hard times ahead that will require a whole lot of hustle. But please remember, no matter what happens as a human, you are worth more than your productivity, your job title, your job prospects. It is a big factor of life but it sure as hell is not all of it.

Feel free to add me on FB or follow me on Insta @caitlincreeper. I write stuff on the internet. You might like it.

That is me out. Over to Steph!

Caitlin *Sorry for the very distinct imagery.

And also sorry Mum. Between the imagery and the swearsies I think I now understand why you won’t let grandma read my stuff.

W E L L , T H I S E S C A L AT E D Q U I C K LY… One moment, I’m in my PJs, surrounded by crusty cereal bowls, buckling under the weight of mid-semester assignments and post-graduation prospects, and ugly-crying into a bottle of the cheapest-finest red I can find (Bowler’s Run cab merlot – it’s the closest thing to liquid gold for less than $3). The next, I’m sitting at a real desk in a real office, wearing real office-y attire and editing the magazine that has nurtured (and often challenged) my writing for the past two years.

I mean, we’ve all been there (amIright?...Guys?).

We’ve all fantasised about ditching the pressure and trading it all in for a simpler existence…in a whimsical seaside lighthouse, say…where the breeze is laced with salt, the sound of beating waves lulls you to sleep, and your sole obligation is to keep that great light burning to guide weary sailors home (OK, maybe I have an unhealthy obsession with Wes Anderson movies.

I’ll simmer down now, I swear).

But seriously, sometimes (student) life is fucking hard. Firstly, I suspect those cruel GoT writers are forcing us to wait out an entire season or two before they finally reveal whether Jon Snow is alive or dead. I. Cannot.

Handle! And secondly, as my good friend, and inspiration, Caity Creeper

said, sometimes we need to muster all of our energy just to keep all those balls in the air. Family, assignments, exams, friends, significant others and demanding lovers all require attention, as does casual (or even full-time) work because, you know, keeping yourself and your pets/ children alive is important.

E D I T OPRRI E A ZL

enough because it’s a damn hard thing to do sometimes. I can’t wait to see where your by-lines will pop up in the years to come and I urge you to keep in touch with me pls.

2016 Grok Editor

Stephanie McGann

3.

At times, it can all seem too much and the tiniest reprieve from that neverending to-do list is all we need to re-charge our batteries and get shit done. That’s where Grok comes in; a little parcel of word-smith-y goodness that’s chock-full of funny, creative, fierce and, above all, relevant material written by, and for, you. In a world where the ever-narrowing media landscape is pandering to ‘the man’ instead of championing the individual (last month, two of Perth’s best and most widely-read independent magazines, Scoop and Out In Perth, were forced to shut up shop. Scary times, people!), Grok represents your voice. And that is something to defend fervently.

It’s been an absolute pleasure to work with such a talented team of contribs on this issue, as well as our resident design-wizard Rozie, without whom you wouldn’t have such an exciting and diverse mag in your hot little hands. Now you just need to kick back in a quiet spot, with your beverage of choice, and get lost among these pages.

If you have an issue you’d like us to flesh-out, or better still, if you’re keen to punch out some words yourself (no matter your course – there’s no exclusivity here!), please give me a yell at grok@guild.curtin.edu.au. I’m all ears.

Until next time.

Much love!

Steph

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PREZ

4.

C H A N G E S TO T H E U N I V E R S I T Y AC T S

G U I LD P R E S I D E NT Jake Wittey Welcome back, friends. It would be remiss of me to say that I didn’t miss all of you over the mid-sem break.

Staying back here at Curtin without all of you was a little hard, but nevertheless we got a fair bit done, and some stuff did come up that I think we should talk about.

F E E D E R E G U L AT I O N … AG A I N .

In an unsurprising move by the Federal Government, the Federal Education Minister, Simon Birmingham, has experimented with the idea of a 20-percent cut to higher education funding. According to modelling done by the NTEU, this would mean at the very least an 11-percent increase in your tuition fees. In addition to that, the government has stated that the cost of your education is “too burdensome” for the government, and that the deregulation of fees should occur to enable them to pass the share of the cost onto you – despite the fact the we’ll more than likely pay more tax in our lifetimes than our peers who didn’t go to university.

In the coming days, we will be doing more to oppose this – so please watch this space!

In the first Grok of the year, I wrote about potential changes to the Curtin University Act that could see our ability to democratically elect students to University Council removed, as well as the provisions that ensure that your Guild gets 50 percent of your SSAF to spend on you.

On the 28th of April I met with State Education Minister Peter Collier to discuss this matter. He had some good news and some shocking news. The Minister conceded that your right to elect your peers to represent you on University Council is important, and that it will be retained in the amended Curtin Act. The shocking news is that your Guild will no longer be assured 50-percent of your SSAF. Under the proposed amended legislation, the University sets the amount of SSAF that they will give to us.

I am quietly confident that this will not pass through parliament any time soon, but if you are worried about your Guild being able to provide the services it currently does into the future, please contact me, or your local state MP and let them know that you support student control of student money.

PA R K I N G Still shit. Will continue to be shit.

Anyway, best of luck with everything friends; and please don’t forget – I think you’re all amazing.

GENERAL S E C R E TA R Y

Liam O’Neill See I did spend all the Guild’s money on these dumb hats! In fact, your entire yearly SSAF, and royalties were paid! (This is a joke. I’m this stupid. I spent my own money).

In actual serious news, myself and the amazing Noni Elliott-Hobbs have been elected as your University Councillors for the 2016 - 2017 term. While as members of the University Council we are required to place the interest of the University before any other, you can be sure that the perspective that we bring to Council is focused on students’ needs and issues. Hopefully the State Government won’t decide to do away with students on the University Council either.

The changes to the Guild Regulations are almost completed and you will hopefully receive a notice by the end of May asking for any Guild Member objections. If you have any questions about this, feel free to contact me at generalsec@guild.curtin.edu.au.

Finally, the Guild’s Annual General Meeting will be on May 25th in the Tavern, be sure to come down for a free drink and chat about how we’re making Curtin great again.

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VP’s

5.

E D U C AT I O N VICE PR ESIDENT

AC T I V I T I E S VICE PRESIDENT

Sarah Franz

Jack “Marto” Martin

Hello again! Hopefully you had a wonderful Easter and aren’t buried under too many assignments! We’ve got quite a lot going on here so lets dive straight into it!

Party Party Party ! That’s pretty much what this semester has been about so far. We have done three large shows in five weeks which is a fantastic feat by everyone involved.

THE HUNTING GROUND This May, in conjunction with the uni, we’re doing a special screening of The Hunting Ground, an American documentary about sexual assault on campuses. It is an amazing film and afterwards we will be having a panel discussion around what we’re doing to help make the campus safer and better for all of you!

F E S T I VA L O F L E A R N I N G Our wonderful faculty representatives ran workshops for the Festival of Learning this year and did a fantastic job! Thank you to everyone who came down, asked questions and got involved!

E XC E L L E N C E I N T E AC H I N G AWA R D S Finally, a big thank you to everyone who nominated their favourite lecturers, tutors and research supervisors for the Guild’s Excellence In Teaching Awards. It was great to see so many tutors who were loved by their students and clearly do an amazing job.

Spring Break was splendid and Slice N Dice raised the roof off the courtyard like no one else. All those who attended enjoyed the night and it’s looking like the event will stick around for many years to come.

Moving ahead to the rest of the semester, coming together nicely and looking to be big as ever is the End of Semester Bash. The night is piecing together nicely with a few surprises in store and plenty of entertainment bound to make the night worthwhile.

There are still plenty more things to get involved in which include the 3 on 3 street ball comp, clubs scavenger hunt and Guild Ball which you will hear more about in the coming weeks.

In the meantime hit the books, continue to kick goals straight through the big sticks and get your assignments done so you can get on the sauce!

HAVE YOUR SAY AT THE GUILD’S

A N N UA L GENERAL MEETING MAY 25 AT THE TAV CHECK FB FOR DEETS

Marto x

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FAC U LT Y R E P S

6.

HUMANTITIES FAC U LT Y R E P

H E A LT H S C I E N C E S FAC U LT Y R E P

SCIENCE & ENGINEERING FAC U LT Y R E P

Lewis Whittaker

Kieran Gulvin

Noni Hobbs

Hi All,

Hey hey people of the health science faculty! As the mid-sem season draws to a close, and the brunt of 40% assignments are being prepped to be handed in, remember to take care of yourself! While at the time it might seem like what you’re doing is incredibly removed from what the real world is like, remember why you started the degree in the first place.

Hello my children,

I hope you all survived mid-semester assignment season and are looking forward to doing it all over again in a little over two weeks (I’m not). As always, if you ever have any issues at all with university life, flick me an email at humanities@guild.curtin. edu.au and I’m sure I’ll be able to help or point you in the right direction. If you want to talk in person, my consult hours are 1-3 on a Monday (but I’m usually in most afternoons). And finally, I hope to see you all at End of Semester Bash at the Tav on the 3rd of June. Protip: Get in early and spend the money you save on entry for more drinks or a kebab.

Signing off, Lewis

To remind you of the light at the end of the tunnel, we’re putting together a bit of a health sciences market day, so for students about to graduate, or for those wanting to know what happens at the end of your degree, come on down to the guild courtyard on the 11th of May, to meet some potential future employers!

For those non-health science students, we’re also doing a bunch of giveaways and stuff, so come on down from 11-3.

‘Tis I, the Mhysa of Science and Engineering, here to light your way through the darkness that is the aftermath of mid-semester exams.

“The light at the end of the tunnel,” I hear you say, “It’s getting closer!”. You may think so my friend, but we’re not there just yet. End of sem exams are approaching us as quickly as winter is. So hitch up your skirts and knuckle down at a desk in the library for the weeks leading up to exams to ensure your examination experience is the dandiest of all time.

Remember that if you are having any troubles with your units, pass requirements, etc. you can always visit me in my office between 1-4pm on Tuesdays or flick me an email with all your qualms (science@guild.curtin. edu.au).

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M AT U R E AG E D E PA R TM E N T

Q U E E R D E PA R TM E N T

CUPSA

Jordan Piggott

Logan Ward & Imogen Charles

Aminul Haque

G’day Folks,

Hello again from the Queer Department! We hope everyone is doing well and holding up as the semester progresses and the workloads are increasing. Don’t forget to de-stress from time to time and look after your mental health by taking enough breaks.

Hello everyone!!

If you have any ideas, questions, queries or concerns as a Mature Age Student here at Cur tin, make sure you f lick them through to me at mature@g uild.cur tin.edu.au, We’re here to help!

Other w ise I hope your semester is going smoothly.

Jordan

EQUITY DEPARTMENTS

7.

Here in the QD things have been quieter but definitely no less busy. We had our “Coming out by Candlelight” event which involved a deep, close discussion about our experiences (gender/sex/queer-related) among those who attended. The event also involved us eating way too much cake and drinking way too much tea.

I hope your semester has started off well and you guys are now busily working to finish this semester successfully. Every month CUPSA arrange a PODS meeting. This is a social event where postgraduate students get the opportunity to network and make new friends.

Here, there is also the opportunity to present your recent work to other students to gain valuable experience and feedback. If you are interested in joining this event to present your work, or just to have fun, keep your eyes on the CUPSA and CUPSA PODS Facebook page.

This coming month is a little more relaxed on the event side, but we do hope you come down and check the Queer Department out if you’re ever looking for a safe space—if you’re in the LGBTQI+ community or an ally.

We also arrange free social sports for postgraduate students to keep you fit and meet new mates in Curtin Stadium. Check out our Facebook page for the all the latest social sports details.

Again, good luck with everything as the semester progresses. We’re all rooting for you <3

I’m friendly and cooperative so if you have any postgrad issues, whether they be course-work or researchrelated, please feel free to keep in touch with CUPSA.

Love always, Logan and Immi

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CLU BS

8.

CURTIN E N G I N E E R S C LU B Our second Beers on the Lawn for the year is coming up on Friday the 20th of May (2pm - 6pm on Lower Henderson Court). Curtin Engineers Club will be kick-starting your weekend with cheap drinks, a FREE sausage sizzle and good tunes. FREE entry for all of our CEC members. If you haven’t

signed up yet, membership is $5 (or a $5 guild voucher)—you can pop by our office in the Engineering Pavilion, or sign up on the day at Beers on the Lawn.

Hope to see you there!

STUDENT ASSIST

THER APY STUDENTS A S S O C I AT I O N The Therapy Students Association aims to educate, connect and support all therapy students at Curtin University. Our events are designed primarily for Physio, OT, Speech and Exercise Science students, however we welcome any and all students to both our club and events. We’ve just held our tri-varsity netball cup with both UWA and Notre Dame, and our annual Med vs Physio footy match is also just around the corner!

We welcome you to come and celebrate with us as the semester draws to a close at our first ever Beers in the Garden! It’s on the 25th of May at 5pm - We'll have more details as the event approaches, however it's sure to be a good time! While it's only two

hours long, you can head straight on over to Wicked Wednesday afterwards at Curtin Tav! This event is strictly 18+ ONLY and approved Australian Photo ID / Passport is required for entry.

We’ve also got some upcoming academic professional development events this month, with guest speakers presenting on a unique approach to dementia care and management, along with another Key Word Sign workshop presented by our friends at Key Word Sign WA! To get all the latest on our events, sign up for membership, or to contact us in general, head over to our club Facebook page at www.facebook. com/tsa.curtin.

Student Assist is the welfare department of the curtin student guild. Simon, juliana, jo-ann, andrew, olivia and onki are there to support all students, postgrad and undergrad, with any personal, welfare or academic issues.

Hope to see you soon! xoxo, TSA

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9.

IN THIS ISSUE, THE STUDENT ASSIST TEAM TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AT STRESS As we all know, stress can creep up on us and before we know it we can feel out of control or as if we can’t cope.

There are a few ways of being aware of this and also reducing our stress levels before they become overwhelming.

THERE ARE FOUR TYPES OF STRESS * TO BE AWARE OF: OVERSTRESSED

– when we are ‘psyched up’ too much we end up bombing out or underperforming.

UNDER-STRESSED - this is when we don’t find something challenging enough and therefore don’t put much effort in.

DISTRESS - can relate to receiving a

bad mark or feedback and the feeling of hopelessness or despair.

EUSTRESS (GOOD STRESS) - this is

when we have a strong physical or psychological reaction to an external event such winning a race or getting good marks back on an exam. *Selye’s model of stress

THINGS THAT CAN CAUSE STUDENTS TO BECOME OVER STRESSED ARE:

• Academic status • Academic misconduct • Over-loading on units • Conflict with other students or academic staff • Legal issues

WE CAN ENCOURAGE MORE GOOD STRESS AND LESSEN THE AFFECTS OF BEING OVERSTRESSED BY: HAVING EFFECTIVE AND REALISTIC TIME MANAGEMENT

E.g. creating a study plan that also factors in other life commitments and responsibilities as well rest periods/ hobbies.

This often means trying to strike a balance between work, cultural and social, university, and family commitments while being realistic about your course and workload SETTING GOALS THAT ARE MORE SIMPLE AND BROKEN DOWN INTO PARTS RATHER THAN LOOKING AT THE WHOLE PROBLEM

OTHER HELPFUL TIPS:

• Try to gain good quality sleep • Try to eat healthy food and stay hydrated with water • Try to include some form of physical exercise in your daily routine Try to avoid additional stress if you have to deal with stressful situations— try to recognise what kind of stress it is and actively do something about it or gain support.

IS TH IS YOU?

If you are feeling stressed, or you would like to talk to us about any other issue, such as assessment appeals, course progress or resumé assistance, please contact Student Assist.

DROP IN AND SEE US IN BLD 106F, OR CALL 08 9266 2900 TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

E.g. studying one section a week for a unit, rather than trying to cram all the content of the unit into three days before the exam.

Source: Selye, H. (1BBS) ‘The stress concept: past, present and future’, in Cooper, C. L (ed.) Strsss Research (Chichester: John Wiley & Sons). #3

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10.

10.

FR OM WH E R E YOU ’ D R ATH E R B E : R E YK JAVI K , ICE L AN D Chloe Macri

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11.

11.

Where to begin. If you know anything at all about travel, you surely must have noticed this sudden trend among jetsetters in recent years. If not, you’ll be noticing now.

Iceland, a teeny tiny island at the top of the world is reeling people in from all over the place; planes chock-full of them too. But why? Let me fill you in on the best kept not so secret travel destination.

W H AT E V E N I S R E Y K J AV I K ?

In short, Reykjavik is the capital city of the Nordic island nation Iceland. But it is much more than that. It is the base ground and hub of a rugged and dramatic landscape; a country where volcanoes, geysers, waterfalls and glaciers all surround each other, everpresent and alive and lights dance across the sky. One could imagine it as something from the scene of a fantasy show. It is no surprise to know that parts of Game of Thrones are filmed here, bringing the otherworldly beauty of the country to audiences all over the globe.

Reykjavik itself is home to the majority of Iceland’s population, a population of only 323,000. It is a small capital city; one you’ll be able to walk around very easily. The country was settled in the 9th century by Norwegian Vikings and became a republic in 1944. Only in recent years has it had a surge in the tourism industry, which quickly became its largest industry to date.

T H I N G S YO U ’ L L WA N T TO S E E EVERYTHING! Iceland has so much to

offer you, despite its small size. The time you spend there can vary greatly, depending on what you want to see and how far out of Reykjavik, and into the wilderness you want to go. I only spent 4 jam-packed days there, but in hindsight I could’ve easily spent more time and done some more awesome things.

One main reason people flock to the Nordic island nation is to try to glimpse the elusive Aurora Borealis, or northern lights. This phenomenon draws in people from all over the world and many people are yet to catch a glimpse of it, no matter how hard they try. The lights can sometimes be seen on the outskirts of Reykjavik, however, due to the amount of light radiating from the city, it is better to get further out where it is less populated. A night tour is often a good idea, as unless you’re planning to drive yourself, it is essential to get out of the city for a bit. Also, don’t come in the middle of the summer season expecting to see the lights.

Being so far north means the hours of daylight vary significantly throughout the year, so a dark, cold, clear night is what you want if you want to catch a glimpse.

Image: taxitravel.is #3

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12.

SU R PR IS E !

YOU â&#x20AC;&#x2122; R E DU M PE D: H OW TO S U R V I V E YO U R M I D -S E M E S TE R B R E A KU P W ITH G R AC E ( A N D H I G H D I S TI N C TI O N S)

Rebecca Chrisholm We all know breakups are hard. But they are also terribly inconvenient.

I was blindsided by the cold truth of both facts when my now-ex boyfriend did this cute thing for my 21st birthday where he decided to dump me. Surprise! A complete shock, and a feeling I can only compare to having your heart ripped out, beaten with knuckle dusters then shoved back in.

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13.

Not really what I had in mind when he said he wanted my birthday to be a memorable one, but hey.

do, the easier you find it to get going. There is a lot to be said for keeping busy. Besides, no one ever feels like doing assignments. If you didn’t feel like shit, you would still be avoiding them. But you do it regardless, and this time will be no different.

The only thing worse than being dumped on your birthday is the realisation you have a ridiculously busy week at uni ahead and of course you have started nothing because, as we all know, procrastination is an important part of the process.

4.

Find the Silver Lining – It is important to remember that your relationship was not perfect. No relationship is.

Chances are, there have been problems for a while, or you just didn’t communicate. Something about them annoyed you. I am not saying you have to hate them and leave a flaming bag of dog poo outside their front door, but just remember that it wasn’t all good times. That being said, maybe you just need your ex out of your life because he was a terrible human being. Or maybe your ex can be a great friend, given enough time. The shock of loss and loneliness has a tendency to make you romanticise the past. Remember that.

My friends, I do not mean to brag, but between this most recent breakup and last year when I had the brilliant idea to initiate a breakup just before semester, I have now become somewhat of an expert juggler of breakups and study. It is practically now my party trick.

So as I now sit upon a throne of knowledge and experience on the matter, I bequeath you my five tips on how to survive a breakup and still get your degree on schedule.

1.

5.

It’s Okay to be Sad – Regardless of whether you were the dumper or dumpee, you’ve got some mourning to do. Unless your ex was the antichrist (in which case you’ve dodged a bullet and should be getting yourself down to the Tav stat and toasting yourself for your great judgement) give yourself enough time to just be sad, preferably whilst drunkenly singing along to Adele’s greatest hits. Be as dramatic and heartbroken as you desire. If you can’t start wailing over a breakup, then when can you? If the tears aren’t coming, think of the mountain of uni work staring you in the face. That ought to do it.

Be Nice To Yourself – as time goes on, things will seem a little easier. That’s awesome, but just be aware that out of nowhere, something will remind you of your ex. Or worse, a happy memory you shared. Quite honestly, I’d prefer to be punched in the face than to feel that again. You will very likely end up ugly-crying. But that’s okay. Don’t let it all build up, and don’t torture yourself with thoughts that it was your fault, or things you could have done to save your relationship. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend going through the same thing. The last thing you need is to be beating yourself up about it.

2.

Be Mindful of Deadlines – I know, it’s the last thing you want to think about, but you cannot let your ex affect your studies as well as your happiness. Even if you haven’t started anything and are just working your way through a tissue box and a whole series on Netflix, at least know when things are due so you know when to get down to business.

With these tips, I hope you can get through the week, stay on track with your studying and get to a point where you will be not merely okay, but happy again. Because this horrible feeling? It’s only temporary. As far-fetched as it may seem, you will meet someone else at some point, and they will make you feel euphoric. You may doubt me, but if Donald Trump can find a wife, there is truly someone out there for everyone.

I promise you it only gets better from here.

3.

Force Yourself To Do It – You may feel like absolute shit, but you still need to function. As much as you don’t want to do it, you need to go have a shower, go to classes, do your assignments and reply to your friends. The more you #3

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14.

I F YO U H AV E $ 2 0 We'll start off a little fancy, for when your Centrelink payment just comes through for the fortnight and seeing it all stacked up together incites you to spend big. The Swan River sundowner cruises will cost you a twenty and hell, since tonight we're choosing to forget we're pretty much living on the poverty line, why not drop some dosh at the onboard bar?! What else do students even spend money on?! Books? Psssh. Sessions run on Saturdays from 2-5pm and Sundays from 4-7pm . They offer $15 tickets for groups of six or more people and a $50 bar card for groups of 10 or more people. There is a giant Jenga set and an aux cord on board, making for the perfect Sunday sesh.

S T U D E N T BEGGARS CAN BE CHOOSERS Emma McDougall

www.boatcollective.com.au

Dear fellow povo students, Here I have compiled a list of fun, procrastinate-from-study activities that are affordable on that Centerlink or casual job budget. Yes you can have it all; a social life AND that packet of Mi Goreng for dinner.

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15.

I F YO U H AV E $ 1 5

LO O S E C H A N G E M E N U

Cockburn Ice Arena offers a discounted rate of $15 for skate hire and 2 hours of falling on your ass on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8-10pm. There is a DJ and a snack bar so make like a pro figure skater and head to 401 Progress Dr, Bibra Lake.

This one is for all y’all wanna be gangtas and hip hop lovers, Hip Hop Kara‘YO!’ke packs out The Bird every 2nd Thursday of the month. It is free before 8pm or it will cost you a fiver thereafter. It is full of fun vibes, so grab ya pals, get lit and drop a beat. Hit up their Facebook page for monthly updates.

www.cockburnicearena.com.au

181 William St, Northbridge

I F YO U H AV E $ 1 2

FREE STUFF

Serpentine falls has BBQ’s and kangaroos—what more could you want on a 40+ degree day? Round up your buddies and split the entry fee of $12 or splurge like me and buy an annual pass for $20. There are a number of hiking trails (if you’re into that sort of thing) where Jarrahdale Tavern, the beacon of light at the end of the trail, promises a range of rewarding bevvies. There is nothing better than a float in the falls and a picnic with Skippy.

Now for the section you’ve all skipped to because, let’s be honest, why pay for stuff when you can do free stuff?

Northbridge Piazza does free stuff—yay! There is a movie date night every Wednesday with a mix of B-grade to classic films for your viewing pleasure.

There are also free fitness sessions. www.visitperthcity.com/northbridge-piazza/events I’mma let you North of the river folk in on a lil secret: us Southies have the bestttttt beaches. Seriously, they are so perfect and calm it’s like you are on a tropical island.

The beach is ideal for when you’re having a classic student breakdown because everything is due on the same day and there are issues with bloody Turnitin and you just want to quit uni and become a stripper/drug dealer/beat boxer. Fear not! Just take a break, go get ice cream (if you can afford it—if not, just ask for some ice cubes out of the freezer and use that imagination of yours) and walk along the Rockingham foreshore beach.

Its crystal clear waters will bring on a wave of calm and clarity that will have you finding all of life’s answers.

www.parks.dpaw.wa.gov.au

I F YO U H AV E A R O U N D $ 9. 5 0 Run Amuk Hotdogs Unleashed in Fremantle has the most heavenly combination of ingredients sent from the food Gods. The owner Jodey has said: “we love food but with Run Amuk we also were keen to create a special place that people felt comfortable in and that had a friendly and inviting vibe. These fundamental concepts will never change!”. Be sure to attend the annual July 4th party where the tantalising CHILI DAWG ft. homemade chili con carne, guacamole, tortilla chips, cheddar, sour cream and parsley will change the hotdog game 5eva.

N ex t t i m e yo u t h i n k ‘ I c a n t a f f o r d i t ’ S t o p . Yo u c a n . P e r t h i s yo u r oy s t e r.

B u t i f n o n e o f t h e a b ove i n t e r e s t yo u , a s u r e p l e a s e r i s p i c k i n g u p yo u r F R E E c o py o f G r o k , s i t t i n g u n d e r a s h a d y t r e e a n d a b s o r b i n g yo u r s e l f i n i t s a we s o m e n e s s .

386A South Terrace, South Fremantle www.runamuk.com.au

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16.

CONFESSIONS OF A GAY GIRL Gossip Gay

Can you really “choose” to be gay? Ah, it’s the age-old question. Is being gay something you’re born with, or is it a learnt trait? You can lead a girl down below, but will she like it? Well gather round kids, while I try to break down and examine some of the things that contribute to making someone gay.

SEX EDUCATION

HAVING GAY FRIENDS

THE GAY MAFIA

When I was in school, gay sex ed just didn’t exist. There were no homo-loving examples to coerce my naïve mind over to the dark side.

Conservatives could breathe a sigh of relief. I was taught that girls were meant to love dick. I mean, it’s a foolproof method right? Get them while they’re young: girls like penises, boys like vaginas, end of story. There’s no way any girl would choose to be gay after putting condoms on bananas.

Being gay is pretty contagious. It’s like catching chicken pox, you just have to be in the general vicinity of a gay person to catch a case of “gay” for yourself. Man, do I regret spending my first New Year’s at The Court when I was finally 18; it’s pretty much where I caught the “gay”. I blame my best friend. He caught the “gay” when we were 17, so it wasn’t long before I went with him to The Court as a dutiful fag hag, and developed the urge to kiss girls and collect cats. Alas, my fag hag status was revoked and I was given a plaid shirt and awarded lesbian status.

Look, keep it on the down low, but there IS a secret gay mafia who’s sole purpose is to creep on innocent straight people and turn them gay.

There’s a secret handshake and even a membership card. Active recruiters for the mafia are carefully selected based on how much they can blend into a straight crowd. You have to keep an eye out for them. They’re the sleazy looking ones approaching girls, telling them about their sexual prowess and trying to “turn them”.

I guess, in a way, it worked. Thanks to sex ed, countless lesbians around the world do love penises, as long as they’re made of silicone, can be kept in the bedside drawer, and perhaps be strapped onto a fellow female.

Oh wait, I think I might be mistaking the gay mafia with creepy dudes trying to convince lesbians at The Court to sleep with them, then getting pissed off when they’re rejected. Look guys, if you can’t even pick up a straight girl, what on earth makes you think

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you’re going to score with a lesbian.

Let’s face it, even if she has a phallicshaped object in her bedside drawer, you can probably bet it’s bigger and more talented than anything you might have in your pants.

By now it’s pretty clear being gay is a choice, just like being straight is a choice. Straight girls, don’t you wake up with the sudden urge to lick clit?

No? Well, lesbians don’t wake up with the urge to suck dick. Same with boys, now I know all you hetero boys must just crave dick after a few drinks at the pub. Again, no? Funny, because gay boys don’t have much of a desire to go muff diving (or so I’m told).

Hmm, then maybe, just maybe, being gay isn’t a choice after all. We all know life would be a whole lot easier,

safer, and less heartbreaking to be straight. We wouldn’t have to fight for the right to marry our consenting adult partner, we wouldn’t have to be afraid of being bashed just for being ourselves, and no one would dismiss our lives as “just a phase”.

Despite the hardships one could experience, I’m proud to be gay. A completely straight society would be pretty boring. Let’s face it, no one knows how to throw a party like the gays.

XOXO Gossip Gay

#2

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Student Banking Join1 today and to say thanks we’ll put $202 into your account.

Bank with a member focussed organisation that gives back to the university community Our student banking incorporates a range of products designed to help you during this busy and exciting time in your life. Join the Bank today and we’ll look after you when you need it the most, now and in the future.

Apply1 today unibank.com.au or 1800 864 864 UniBank is a division of Teachers Mutual Bank Limited ABN 30 087 650 459 AFSL/Australian Credit Licence 238981.

1. Membership eligibility applies to join the Bank. Membership is open to citizens or permanent residents of Australia who are current or retired employees, students and graduates of Australian Universities, or family members of existing members of the Bank. This banking package is available to you if you are a current full time student at any Australian University, and may be withdrawn at any time. Conditions of use – Accounts and access document and Fees and charges brochures are available online or from any of our offices. You should read both of these documents before deciding to open accounts and access facilities issued by Teachers Mutual Bank Limited. Any advice provided here does not take into consideration your objectives, financial situation, or needs, which you should consider before acting on any recommendations. For further information call 1800 864 864 or go to unibank.com.au 2. The Bank will credit an initial $20 into your Everyday account once opened. An additional $20 will be credited into the Everyday account when you make a purchase with your UniBank Visa Debit Card within 28 days of opening your membership. UniBank is a division of Teachers Mutual Bank Limited ABN 30 087 650 459 AFSL/Australian Credit Licence 238981 | 00954P-MAR-UB-0516

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POETRY

19.

F I V E WO R D S

Joe Wilson One thousand stars above a dark ocean.

ENTITLEMENT

One thousand bodies below.

Joe Wilson

One million lives disrupted by a deadly commotion.

Old men tell tales

One continent lacking emotion.

Of youth trying to prevail.

Two sides engaged in a fiery debate.

Applied on a biblical tablet by force.

Two thousand marching with hate.

Our dreams making a hasty divorce.

Two million crawling to shelter.

We are the new economic threat.

Two million more escaping winter.

The stratospheric rise of student debt.

Three ideas have escaped and entered the human pysche.

Our parents already striking bets.

Compassion, apathy and ability to see we are all alike.

Our destinies already set.

Three conventions remain in tatters.

But is this problem set in our ideals?

Three human rights considered not to matter.

To think of what we want, instead of how we feel?

Four kinds of people fight a class war.

To want a job we grow to hate.

The kings, the clergy, the rich and the poor.

To the impossible of investing in real estate.

Four horsemen perdantically announced by the media.

Paranoia emerging to make us greedier.

Five years on and the war has no end.

Five years on and many lives are spent.

Five words we’ll ask ourselves upon sight of the bloody awe.

Could we have done more?

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REVIEW

20.

SLOSH’S BAR & GRILL Josh Soutar

WELCOME TO SLOSH’S BAR & GRILL WHERE WE BRING YOU THE VERY BEST HOT SAUCE AND CRAFT BEER WE HAVE DISCOVERED SINCE LAST WE MET…

H OT S AU C E S E L E C T I O N :

CR AFT B EER SE LECTION:

BLAZING PLUM - ALL BURN CHILLI

SOUR SIDE OF THE MOON (BARREL AGED SOUR DARK ALE) - 8 WIRED BREWING

This is an amazing achievement. Within seconds your taste buds ignite and the onslaught begins with wave upon wave of flavours washing over your palate. The sweetness of the plums preceding the awesome heat of the Moruga chillies, followed by a perfectly balanced combination of ingredients that become way more than just the sum of their parts. There is magic here—but, unless you enjoy an exquisite full-mouth burn, use this sparingly.

We begin this journey sitting at a table with just a bottle of beer (with a rather unassuming label) in front of us, totally unprepared for what is about to come. What should you expect from a sour dark ale, aged for a year in Pinot Noir barrels? After that first sip there was so much going on in my mouth that it took me a while just to come to grips with what had just happened to me. The sour notes at the start, the beer itself full-flavoured and rich. Then the Pinot kicking in. Layer upon layer upon layer.

It is hot! 10/10 www.wildfirechilli.com.au

I have never tasted anything like this in my life. 10/10 7.5% Alcohol – 500 ML - $17.99

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REVIEW

21.

SLOSH’S BAR & GRILL - WINE AND CHEESE PLATTER Josh Soutar

OVER HERE AT SLOSH’S BAR & GRILL , WE DON’T JUST LOVE HOT SAUCE AND CRAFT BEER . WE LOVE MOVIES. We love movies that transcend the medium to become inspiring pieces of art that will resonate forever. We love the z-grade movies that are so horrendously awful, they go all the way around to becoming something special. Each time we meet, we will present you a selection from our wine & cheese platter – bringing you a fine piece of cinematic art and a z-grade disasterpiece (yes that is definitely a word!).

And what better way to follow such a deeply complex, multi-layered wine than with just the right type of cheese?

We were searching through our vast cheese platter when suddenly we saw it, looming ominously: we bring you one of my favourite childhood movies that is so horribly made and delightfully cheesy that it fills me with delight ( just like good cheese should!). Behold the glory that is Howard the Duck: Tim Robbins’ performance as the awkward 1980s geek so over the top and inconsistent, the confusing anthropomorphic sex scene between Lea Thompson and the humanoid duck so out of place, the final act so strange, the stop motion effects that somehow put the ones from IT to shame. The entire narrative arc so quintessentially 80s and disjointed that it beggars belief. George Lucas disowned it on release and remember, he is proud of the Star Wars prequels. If you go into this expecting the train wreck it isw, you may just experience the true cheesy glory that starts with the epic words: “In the beginning there was ... Howard the Duck!”

To begin this evening we will pour a tall glass from the mind of Chilean director Alejandro Jodorowsky and attempt to reach the summit of his masterpiece The Holy Mountain (1973), which was lost to the ether for more than 30 years due to legal issues. It was only available as a bootleg until its release in 2011 (when I could finally own a legitimate copy!). There is simply nothing like this movie. It is like diving headfirst through the looking glass into a kaleidoscope of increasingly bizarre symbolism and artistic vision that never lets you get your feet on solid ground. Every time you feel like you are catching up you are thrown, without warning, into what feels like a brand new film—a brand new world. This movie is relentless, beautiful, majestic, courageous, completely unique and mind-altering on all levels. Jodorowsky’s statement “I am LSD” has never been truer. The experience of this film is unparalleled and the ending is shattering (only those who have seen this can ever understand). This is a connoisseur’s delight. Treat yourself… you will never experience anything like this again! #3

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WINE REVIEW

22.

FIVE- DO LL AR WI N E CR ITIC Chloe Macri

M C W I L L I A M ’ S , I N H E R I TA N C E F R U I T WO O D W H I T E Inheritance Fruitwood White (more affectionately known as Fruitwood to its fans) is a fine drop by McWilliam’s Wines. McWilliam’s Wines is based in NSW and has been producing grape drank for an incredible six generations.

Inspiring further confidence in the quality of the wines is the fact that the McWilliam’s are Irish by heritage and no one appreciates their alcohol better than the Irish (soz to any Irish people reading this).

The first things you note before downing Fruitwood are its straw colour and fruity and floral aroma, that’s kind of like your grandma’s perfume. As far as flavour is concerned this dank drank explodes in your mouth with opulent fruity notes, particularly tropical fruits such as pineapple and passionfruit. It’s like a party in your mouth—all your taste buds put on leis and Hawaiian t-shirts and just go nuts. The more refined palates may be able to detect veiled citrus notes, however this master reviewer found them to be better hidden than Where’s Wally. The finish is somewhat crisp like a winter morn’ but not as crisp as a packet of Pringles.

Alcohol content is a satisfying 9% or 5.3 standard drinks per bottle which, when taking into consideration the drinkability of this fine drop, is more than sufficient for a good time. The price is approximately $5 at good bottle shops (Uncle Dan, we salute you), so it works out to be just over one standard drink per dollar spent which is good value. Fruitwood deserves 4.5 out of 5 for Irish, lei-wearing grape drank.

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FOOD REVIEW

23.

GR E E NS & CO Address: 123 Oxford St, Leederville

Chloe Macri FOR: Cake, board games, lanterns and more cake.

People watching at its finest. And also cake.

The cakes! Sahh many choices! Everyone loves cakes at any time of day and these are not to be missed. It’s open pretty much all the time, so there’s never a bad time to go. In the morning for tea or coffee and a spot of people-watching, a chilled place to catch-up with friends and maybe play a quick board game, a cool place to hang out on a week night when everywhere else in Perth is shut or the perfect place to end a night. But be warned, an ideal location and comfy chairs means this place gets ultra- busy, especially later on in the evenings.

If you are a hip and trendy youngish uni student, with bulk coolness and many friends, then you need to get yourself down to Greens & Co in Leederville. I took some young juvie cousins there for an after-dinner outing not too long ago and now they’re not totally ashamed to be seen with me in public.

G R E E N S & CO C K , L E E D E R V I L L E : G E T A M O N G S T I T.

Greens & Co have been around for a while now; you’ve surely seen the place in hip Oxford Street, Leederville.

You may also know it as Greens & Cock, thanks to the delightful graffiti that frequently reappears on the cafés signage. The place is an old gem and it’s still going alright; just by walking by, it isn’t hard to see how infectious the vibe is. It is essentially like they’ve taken a whole lot of people in their living rooms, playing board games, having a chat and eating cake, and put them in the one place with all walls removed. It really, really is. They are as consistent as your grandmother in the great cake department. That is a promise.

The cool thing about Greens & Co is that you get all sorts of people. Families with kids going for an evening walk and the trendy Leederville natives on their bikes stopping in for a chat. Good news for those of you who are still 17, it’s unique in the sense that it draws in juvies counting down the days until they’re 18 and clubbing kids alike, all bonding over cake, lanterns and grungy wall deco.

Please go to Greens & Co, only there can you have your cake and eat it too. Greens & Co rates 7 out of 10 board games and living rooms.

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REVIEWS

24.

SINGLE:

SINGLE:

HUMAN BUOY - PERIOD OF MAXIMUM EXCITABILITY

EDIE GREEN - MOONSHINE Joe Wilson

Jasmine Uitermark-Thaung Indie-rock-folksters Edie Green have re-emerged from a self-described summer of mischief with new single ‘Moonshine’, smashing out a rawer track than their previous releases. With considerably more angst in her voice, Sophie Wiegele’s lyrics evoke the feeling of a simmering rage, bubbling away in the track’s underbelly. The song itself has me probing as to whether the band has shifted direction in terms of sound and style, now treading classicallyinfluenced hard-rock territory. Either way, the change on ‘Moonshine’ definitely pays off.

With Tame Impala storming the barricades of psychedelic rock, alternative music in the Perth scene has been stepping up its game. One group that’s exceeded expectations is Human Buoy with their second release ‘Period of Maximum Excitability’.

Fronted by Ben McDonald from Perth bands Dream Rimmy and Shiny Joe Ryan, the experimental project cites David Bowie as a major influence and there’s no denying that one, as the tune navigates the weird and wonderful territory Bowie was known to trudge.

Mean and fresh, ‘Moonshine’ begins with a flurry of heavy rock n’ roll, while still maintaining that unique Edie Green feel that comes from rapidly interchanging guitar notes and Tyler Michie’s intense, jazzy drums. The verses are drawn together with Wiegele’s ballad-like, programmatic vocals, which guide the listener on a figurative journey down the coast. Like an audible brick wall, the chorus comes out of nowhere; the tune suddenly ascends with the almost reverbed tribal chants of Wiegele.

Taking inspiration from a documentary about the world’s collective conscious and how the sun seemingly mirrors it, McDonald explained that world wars and all sorts of revolutions have occurred during “the period of maximum excitability” – a key solar cycle. Crazy, huh?

Frenetic in its sound structure, ‘Period of Maximum Excitability’ is awash with reverb from beginning to end.

As the driving riffs begin their ascent into the void, you’ll catch yourself being swept up in the resounding echoes.

With sombre vocals accompanying the track alongside documentary footage, the song makes for not only an interesting listen, but an educational one too!

A breakdown of mischievous blues tops it all off, exemplified with a burst of keys and raunchy guitar solos. The song ends much like the film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid , instrumentally running in a defiant blaze of glory. Is this where the Perth outfit are taking their sound for their next EP? Only time will tell. #3

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