Grok Issue #2 2013

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PUBLISHED BY THE CURTIN STUDENT GUILD

ISSUE #2 - 2013

LET YOUR

IDEAS

EMERGE We are looking for new technologies and business ideas developed by the brightest minds at Curtin.

Open to both staff and students.

First prize to the value of $20,000 Other prizes totalling $12,000 Deadline for applications Friday 17 May 2013

Make tomorrow better.

More Information & Applications at: http://research.curtin.edu.au/ip/awards/applications.cfm Email: innovation.awards@curtin.edu.au IP Commercialisation Office on 9266 9292/1778

CRICOS Provider Code 00301J Curtin University is a trademark of Curtin University of Technology.

CURTIN COMMERCIAL INNOVATION AWARDS 2013

ISSUE #2 2013 CONTACTS Editorial - 9266 2806 Advertising - 9266 2908 Email - grok@guild.curtin.edu.au

EDITOR - Scott Donaldson LAYOUT - Rozanna Johnson Grok exists for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed therein are not necessarily that of Curtin Student Guild.

CONTRIBUTORS Grok would not exist were it not for the generous donation of time and effort from it’s contributors, to whom we are eternally grateful. (in no particular order) Anika Rodgers Naomi Faye Rachel Neumann Jon Solmundson Jessica McGovern Anthony Pyle Jarod Rhine-Davis Chloe Macri

GROK #2 2013

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Bethany Mulligan Ciaran Johns Athina Mallis Chelsea Banner Michael MacKenzie Matt Vassiliou Sarah Wood Caitlin Goddard

GROK

Radhika Kayarat Cassie Rees Ashley Westwood Connor White NATHANIA WIDJANARKO VANESSA GURUNG

GUILD EXEC PRESIDENT p: (08) 9266 2934 e: president@ EDUCATION VICE PRESIDENT p: (08) 9266 2920 e: educationvp@ ACTIVITIES VICE PRESIDENT p: (08) 9266 4578 e: activitiesvp@ GENERAL SECRETARY p: (08) 9266 2918 e: generalsec@

FACULTY REPS HEALTH SCIENCE FACULTY REP p: (08) 9266 3392 e: health@

The following awesome things have happened since the end of last year:

p: (08) 9266 4465 e: cupsacouncil@

CUPSA

INDIGENOUS DEPARTMENT p: (08) 9266 3150 e: indigenous@ INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS COMMITTEE p: (08) 9266 2910 e: isc@ QUEER DEPARTMENT p: (08) 9266 3385 e: sexuality@ WOMEN’S DEPARTMENT p: (08) 9266 3386 e: women@

STUDENT ASSIST OFFICERS

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GROK MAGAZINE

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GUILD ADVERTISING & EVENT ENQUIRIES p: (08) 9266 2908 e: advertising@

GUILD CLUBS

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But as cool as two out of those three records are, they’re not really doing much to further the human race. I mean, there’s a mathematical system for solving the Rubik’s Cube. Once you figure out the pattern (not an easy thing to do, obviously), you can solve any Cube, regardless of scrambliness. If you’re even more mathematically kickass, you can figure out the solution without even making a single move. You look, you figure it out, you go - hence blindfolded RC solving championships.

Going faster is simply down to having tank fingers and great hand-eye coordination, and as such, speed-solving doesn’t really make waves in the world of maths. Similarly, caffeine-powered anythings seem pretty great, given the fact that burning caffeine doesn’t give off hazardous fumes. So surely, if we want to really make a go of things, how about increasing the efficiency of a coffee-powered vehicle instead of trying to maximise its speed? What’s the point, if the vehicle can only run for a few minutes? The Milky Way + snakes thing is more-or-less self explanatory: what possible application could that skill have? None, unless we’re invaded by a race of snake-like beings who force each of us to eat five Milky Way bars whilst they drape themselves around our necks, promising to kill us unless we finish in under forty seconds. But that’s pretty unlikely, probably.

GROK #2 2013

p: (08) 9266 2900 e: reception@

HUMANITIES FACULTY REP p: (08) 9266 2764 e: humanities@

GUILD DEPARTMENTS

Ed.

GUILD FOOD OUTLETS

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SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING FACULTY REP p: (08) 9266 3392 e: science@

Hence the Speed issue. Within these pages you’ll find literally several cohesive articles detailing the benefits of speedy power naps, the finer points of caffeine competitions, the secrets behind stress management, and more. And barring some sort of editorial blunder on my part, rest assured there will only be a single mention of Speed 2: Cruise Control.

THE SPOT/SPOTLIGHT TICKETS p: (08) 9266 1797 e: spot@

BUSINESS FACULTY REP p: (08) 9266 2764 e: business@

Mats Valk solved a fully scrambled Rubik’s Cube in 5.55 seconds - a new official world record; Martin Bacon set the record for fastest coffeepowered car, taking his invention on a run with an average speed of 105 kilometres per hour; and Miki Sudo became the fastest person in the world (and perhaps only person in the world) to consume five Milky Way bars with four snakes wrapped around her neck. Her time was 37.06 seconds. Well done, I guess.

But these things don’t matter in the eyes of those who just want to do stuff faster. And you know what? I’m absolutely one of those people.

Doing stuff fast rules - have you actually seen Valk solve the Rubik’s Cube in 5.55 seconds? It defies belief – the cube disappears into a blur of motion, and as soon as you even begin to figure out what’s going on, the thing is solved, and mass applause ensues. There is nothing more satisfying than watching someone do something pointless at an insane speed.

BOOKENDS (GUILD SECONDHAND BOOKSHOP) p: (08) 9266 2909 e: bookshop@

GUILD REC THE TAV

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All guild email suffixes are: @guild.curtin.edu.au

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HEALTH CENTRE p: (08) 9266 7345 HOUSING p: (08) 9266 4430 INTERNATIONAL OFFICE p: (08) 9266 7331 PARKING p: (08) 9266 7116 PHYSIOTHERAPY CLINIC p: (08) 9266 1210 SCHOLARSHIPS p: (08) 9266 2992

SECURITY

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p: (08) 9266 4444 Emergency dial 5 from any campus phone (24h) or 9266 5555

RETAIL OUTLETS

STUDENT CENTRAL – BLD 101

GUILD COPY & DESIGN p: (08) 9266 2925 e: copy.design@

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STUDENT FEES

CURTIN CONCEPT p: (08) 9266 2828 e: concept@ www.curtinconcept.com.au

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EDITORIAL / CONTACTS

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T.L ROBERTSON LIBRARY UNI COUNSELLING p: (08) 9266 7850

The context is billions cut from higher education under the Howard government with very little replaced

by Rudd/Gillard, despite growing student enrolments; attacks on the independent funding base of student organisations, thereby undermining our ability to resist; and tuition fees and living costs for international students increasing 166 percent over a decade.

Recently at the Guild we have been asking students to let us know what their problems or concerns are and what that they would like to see changed about the education system.

It has been useful to identify the trends across schools and faculties - doing so has highlighted the difficulties of trying to survive on Youth Allowance and the hardships faced by students on unpaid work placements.

Unsurprisingly, PAYG parking has come up consistently. I don’t think there are many students who buy the line that PAYG is a more “equitable” system. It is cheaper for some students than the cost of a permit, but it isn’t lost on us that the inflated permit price was set by none other than the masterminds behind PAYG. We have also identified issues of major concern to students, including: overcrowding; common first year units that have high student numbers and generic content; and the push towards online learning. Online “self-directed” learning modules are replacing lectures and even tutorials. One example reported was that Child Psychology tutorials for teaching students have been cancelled, despite this being an area where interpersonal skills are paramount.

We have also seen the first wave of course cuts, with more to come. Two weeks into the first semester, students enrolled in two distinct journalism units were told their classes were being discontinued. When students raised their opposition, the faculty moved both the television and radio students into one broad unit resulting in a larger class with more generic content.

Larger student numbers and class sizes put pressure on academic staff for marking, feedback, and assisting students in need. It is important to recognise the stress put onto overworked academic staff, who by-and-large do what they can to compensate for a lack of resources (something that they should not have to do).

The current government has taken more from single parents by cutting their payments (90% of whom are women) than they have the super-profits of the mining bosses. While universities happily look to private investment, and others desperately talk about the need for “philanthropy,” a simple solution to an underfunded education system is right in front of us. The government could stop hitting the most marginalised sections of society, and demand that those who make billions from a highly educated workforce start contributing by paying their taxes.

2 editorial / contacts 3 your guild pres 5 your vps 6 your faculty reps 7 Guild news / the goon bag 8 guild equity departments 10 SLow down 11 anxiety cafÉ 12 go with the snow 14 faster than the speed of life 17 student assist: being awesome 18 what’s stopping you?

20 who’s faster: superman or the flash?

22 pay attention 24 page-turning time-turners 25 race you to the credits!

26 how to not suck at photography 28 coffee and alcohol 30 snapchat 31 the speed article 32 a day in the life of a supermarket employee 33 creative: poetry 34 movie reviews 36 album reviews 37 gig review 38 game reviews

University upper management has embraced corporatisation, user-pays and the growing imposition of the market into the education system. This is why no campus is an island. We need to recognise that what is happening at Curtin University is part of a broader problem of a higher education sector starved of funding.

If you have your own concerns or face these issues in the classroom, contact the Guild for support and find out how you can get involved in the campaign against cutbacks and stand up for education for all.

Last, but not least, a plug for an upcoming rally: come along on May 11, 1pm in Stirling Gardens (corner of Barrack Street and St George’s Tce) to show your support for marriage equality! facebook.com/EqualLoveWA president@guild.curtin.edu.au

3 - editorial

No university campus is an island...

In 2012, “demand driven funding” was implemented, which means that the government no longer regulates how many students can be enrolled in a particular course or at a particular university. This will inevitably lead to the sidelining of less profitable courses. Further deregulation of university fees is in the pipeline, so despite student debt being at an all-time high we could see a situation where Universities can charge as much as they like! All of this will affect disadvantaged students the most – those from poor or working class backgrounds, those who face discrimination or barriers such as insecure housing and/or health issues, and those who care for dependents.

Contents

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GUILD PRESIDENT / CONTENTS

Experiences that mean the world The Melbourne JD Law degree

www.law.unimelb.edu.au/jd

guys as well as a Guild-run photo booth and the ‘Giggle Stage’ where I hear some students were lucky enough to win tickets to Future Music Festival. All in all it was a wicked day and the later start time saved us from massive amounts of heat stroke.

Hey guys, thank God for the study break hey? I don’t know about you, but for

me the first few weeks of semester have been crazy busy!

First years, I hope you are all settling in okay.

Don’t forget, if you’re having troubles (whether they be financial, academic or personal) there is always someone you can come speak to in the Guild. I also want to reiterate to EVERY student how important it is to get involved on campus. If you haven’t yet, here are some of the things you have missed out on so far: O-Day- Not just for the newbies. As predicted, O-Day this year proved to be bigger and better than ever. The band line-up read like a mini music festival with some amazing acts, including Sun City, Last Dinosaurs, Brow Horn Orchestra and Rainy Day Women. There also seemed to be more freebies than ever for you

Toga Party- Holy cow you guys know how to party! We were not expecting such a massive turnout and as a result the Tavern reached capacity super early. Good work for all those cool kids who put major effort into their togas, everyone looked amazing. It was really good to see both new and returning students hitting the dance floor and meeting a bucket-load of new people. If you attended this event you definitely started your uni year off with a bang….solid!

Beach Bash- Ah, Beach Bash, such a legendary party. Tickets sold out (see: we’re not joking when we say they will) which left many students kicking themselves I’m sure.

Here’s a snap shot of what you missed out on: music, foam, leis, bands, spas, drinks, foam, more music, and lots more drinks. It was an event of fairly epic proportions and also, luckily, no major security incidents. Good work guys! I swear the whole next week I kept finding beach balls and leis randomly around campus.

Clubs Day- For those of you who missed out on signing up to your favourite clubs on O-Day, there was Clubs Day. This was a day for the clubs to shine, and shine they did. New and pre-existing clubs rallied hard to get new

for the same price to you but a fraction of the cost to the university.

You may have heard about the $2.8 billion cuts that Julia Gillard has proposed to make to universities.

For Curtin this will mean a cut of $5 million in 2014 and a further cut of $8.5 million in 2015. One of the worst things about the cuts is that it will give the university the green light to ramp up its aims to create a more streamlined, efficient, user-pays university system. I am going to go through some of the plans the university has on the table that will be made worse by the budget cuts.

The Push Online

This push online is destructive in terms of quality of learning and student culture and at the same time can be a huge money saver for the university.

While students are pushed off campus and are made to learn online the university can save on space, administration and staff. Having fewer students on campus allows for the university to give more space to commercial ventures such as those discussed in the VC’s address to staff. Her vision includes on campus hotels, private hospitals and 24-hour restaurants and entertainment in the “Greater Curtin Plan”.

For those of us “lucky” enough to have classes that will still be taught on campus the future looks just as bleak. The plan is to pack students into classrooms of up to 48 while a number of staff members roam around and make sure people talk about the online lecture or the YouTube videos we were meant to watch in our own time. On top of this instead of paying a staff member to deliver a lecture each week the university can just replay pre-recorded videos.

The rhetoric that surrounds online learning is about flexibility and equitable access to education for those who cannot physically attend.

In reality however, what is often coming out of this online push is that students have no option but to study units online. As a cheaper alternative to traditional learning we can expect to see more of a push online due to the budget cuts and we can expect to see our options of face-to-face learning diminish.

Course Cuts and Streamlining

At the moment the university is trying to “fix” the problem of timetabling by putting units wholly online, so for those of us who are fed up with late night lectures or classes during common free time the University is supposedly offering good news.

You now have no choice but to stay at home and watch your lectures online and while you are at it you can do your tutorials that way too. This is all

Not only has the university already made plans to phase-out hundreds of courses streams and majors it also plans to de-fund 20% of courses by the end of this year. The Deputy Vice Chancellor Education has also stated that Curtin University will need to go the way of UWA and Murdoch in offering a greatly reduced number of undergraduate courses in order to

University is not just about downloading information; it is about learning, engaging, discussing and getting involved in campus life.

The push online might save the university a lot of money but it destroys the things about university life that are just as important as book learning.

An online class should not be the only choice for students.

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VICE PRESIDENTS

members and promote the awesome work they do. For those of you out there who are yet to join a club I would basically say it’s a necessity of being a Curtin student. There’s something for everyone, whether it be academic, social, sports-based or religious. And if we don’t have a club that suits you, make your own! All it takes is 10 Guild members (four of whom are office bearers) and some forms, so get onto it peeps.

Easter Bash- At the time of writing, this year’s Easter Bash is still super fresh in my mind. And it was crazy good. The Potbelleez rocked it on the decks on the tavern stage along with party boy Harrison from Metric Promotions.

On the outside stage DJ Wazz kept everyone jamming. My only complaint of the night: stop stealing my damn bunny ears guys!

So if this makes you go, “Oh shit what have I been missing out on!?” never fear because there’s plenty more where that came from; for starters, there is the National Campus DJ Competition at the Tav on May 17th and End of Semester Bash on June 7th. To play it safe, Like the Curitn Student Guild and the Curtin Tav on Facebook to make sure you don’t miss out on anything. Oh, and if you’re wondering what the go is with Wicked Wednesdays, the university bigwigs are still being major arseholes about it. Typical.

Peace out, Shauna

stay competitive on the market. Murdoch has six undergraduate courses and UWA has five. If 20% of courses were “not economically rational” before the cuts to funding you can only imagine how the course cutting agenda will be accelerated in the face of the cuts.

Having a reduced number of courses reduces the quality of education because it allows the university to get away with providing broad units and using common, cross-discipline units more often. The current common first year units are a way of cutting costs, saving space and forcing students to pay more for less. Common first year units save money by employing fewer staff to create course content while teaching a much larger numbers of students.

Students deserve the right to choose from a range of courses and these courses should teach the subjects that are of interest to students.

Streamlining reduces specificity and the overall quality of a course. Courses should not be cut just to save money and regardless of the recent budget cuts the university should have no excuse to cut our courses.

How to Get Involved If you are angry about the cuts and want get involved in fighting back, the Guild will be holding a series of events in the lead up to the National Student Strike on May 14.

Feel free to help out in any way you can. Get in contact with me if you want to help stick up posters or hand out leaflets or just help build the student strike by sharing and inviting to the event page on Facebook.

Find the event page at theses sites www.Facebook.com/CurtinUncut www.Facebook.com/CurtinGuild Or email educationvp@guild.curtin.edu.au

In the town of East Leeming born and raised Now at Curtin where I spent most of my days Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some emails all around the school When a Vice Chancellor, she were up to no good Started closing Taverns in my neighbourhood I got in one election and when it was declared I said “Now I’m in the position Général Secrétaire.”

DJ Jazzy Myles aside, I’m the one who makes sure the finances tick over and that the Guild elections actually happen, and handles much of the other administrative stuff that the student reps have to deal with. While I may be tempted to share with you an in-depth account of my day-to-day activities, I won’t, because that would be boring.

Instead, I’m going to share with you a story that has become legendary amongst certain circles in which I move. It’s a story of hope, a mother’s love, disappointment, and the harsh realities of life. It’s a story which, since I first shared it with some close friends one soporific October afternoon in 2008, has touched the hearts of hundreds. A tale of excitement, wonder and true tragedy, such that whenever we are together, the original custodians encourage me to share it with any newcomers.

And so, dear reader, I hear you ask: “What the devil could possibly have occurred in the formative years of our General Secretary that could be so completely and utterly incredible?”

When I tell you that this story is known as “Myles’s Coathanger Story,” perhaps you will understand.

The story begins with an alarm. I awoke, and drowsed for a while to the dulcet tones of a 92.9 announcer who has long since moved on. Suddenly I realised – “Yes! It’s Saturday! I don’t have to go to work, I have nowhere to be: I can sleep in.” Content to return to Dreamland, I rolled over and closed my eyes once again.

Without warning, there was a metallic scrape on the handle of my bedroom door. I realised, too late, what was happening. The incessant scratching was the sound of a coathanger.

My darling, doting mother had hung a freshly ironed shirt on the door handle.

It was not Saturday, as I had so excitedly believed.

In fact, it was Friday, seven o’clock, and I had to get up and go to school.

Pretty amazing, eh? And, if reading it on paper was not scintillating enough for you, I certainly don’t have any hang-ups about sharing this one in person.

Science and Engineering - Fletcher Pym Continued from my small column in the previous issue.

Some ladsy student has taken action and the path that saves us a whole 5 seconds by not having to go around is now open once again.

Can I just say that while it may be 5 seconds a trip, it is surely an act worthy of recognition as this could potentially save students heaps of time that could be better spent at the Tav. For example a student on campus for 4 days a week may make 4 trips a day through this path. This would save them 20 seconds a day, 80 seconds a week, 960 seconds a semester and 1920 seconds over the academic year! For those of you not doing a maths degree that is a whopping 32 minutes! Think of what you will do with your extra 32 minutes a year? Spend it in peak hour, on the bus, in the Tav or most unlikely… studying? I know which one I will be choosing! A word of warning… still be mindful of the remaining pole. It is likely to get covered in who knows what at some point down the track.

And now for the serious stuff. The push for online lectures has at times been handled poorly and we hope to see some action on this for next semester. As the usual start-of-semester kinks such as unit outlines and timetables are slowly being sorted out, we seem to all be extremely busy with assignments and mid-semesters. I wish you all luck in your upcoming tests, etc. and hope you all have a great 2nd break week!

Live Long and Prosper Fletch

Business Fac Rep - Roshni Shah Hello there, Hope everyone survived the first few weeks of uni! The Guildies were kept pretty busy making O-Day a great success with heaps of clubs and bands playing throughout the afternoon.

Additionally, the Guild has definitely rocked the semester with other big events, including the toga party, Beach Bash, and Easter Bash. For most of you who attended, pictures are up on Facebook so make sure you tag yourself and your mates!

On the business side, by now most of you will be focusing on your assignments and tests.

Students who are in their second or third year may have noticed changes in CBS in regards to the concept of “flipped classroom strategy.”

This is a new initiative at CBS and has been drawn into many units across the school! I would definitely love to hear about the pros and cons from those who have this strategy implemented in their units. On another note, common free time, which is every Wednesday from 12pm-2pm, is for all students. In the past, CBS tutorials/seminars/lectures have been scheduled during the common free time, which is NOT allowed since this time is for students to organise group meetings or catch up with their mates. If any CBS student has a class GROK #2 2013

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faculty reps

during common free time, please contact me with the name of the unit at business@guild. curtin.edu.au.

Wishing all of you best of luck for your studies and I hope to see you around!

Love, Roshni

Humanities Fac Rep - Cameron Thorn

Hot tips for procrastinating at Uni At the time of writing, I’m sitting at my desk reminiscing about being down at Dunsborough for Easter. There’s nothing quite like waking up to the sound of kookaburras in the gum trees, fishing in the crystal clear waters of Cape Naturaliste, and watching Ace Ventura – that unrelenting animal lover. What I have realised though, is that the laptop and books for two units that also made the journey south with me returned back to my bedroom four days later completely unused. I had such good intentions to get one up on my studies and complete an article review and a tute presentation. However, I found it just way too easy to procrastinate with so many things to do. But now I’m back at uni, staring at my computer over the pile of books and papers, and I’m wondering how best to efficiently manage my time. Just for you, I am listing my hot tips for procrastination at Uni:

Become an active member in a club. We’ve recently seen the start-up of a few new clubs in Humanities. I encourage all of you to join Curtin Art Club and The After Party, as well as the School of Education Student Association.

If you have ever wanted to learn how to cook a BBQ, get involved and help raise some funds for your club. The After Party are going to be starting film nights soon, and the Art Club has held some classes already!

Start preparing for the next Art Fair. After the success of our initial Art Fair, we’re hoping to put on a second one in semester 2. Having seen what students were selling, start crafting/ designing your own products to sell next time!

It’s an easy way to get some extra cash for the poor students that we all are. It’s also a great way to clear your head after reading about behavioural theory in preadolescents.

Create your own short film. Google ‘National Campus Film Fest’ and check out the three categories of films. We will be having a screening later in the year of the best made

by Curtin Students before helping you to enter them into the National Competition. There are some really good prizes to win, and last year Murdoch students won most of them nationally.

So those are my top three time-management tips for Humanities students. I just want to say a big thank you to all those that helped make Art Fair the success that it was - it was really great to see that students from all over campus are very creative and imaginative.

Cars

broken into

must be drunk uni students News has reached our Guild ears that there were numerous daytime car break-ins over the Easter Weekend. Sticking with the university’s line we think the culprits must have been drunken students on campus.

They were definitely without a doubt on campus either because they were waiting for the next tavern event on April 12th or because they were still there from the Thursday night…clearly. There is absolutely no chance in hell that security cannot cope with the massive campus and needs more funding. No way.

Volleyball, AFL, and men’s and women’s basketball. It’s actually at the point now where you’ve just gotta feel sorry for the other universities. Sport was basically the one thing they could hold over us and now Curtin’s gone and taken it away from them.

Isn’t it a great feeling? Good work, teams!

we could use our combined power to get more discounts for you guys. Some popular ones in the Guild office include; a free drink at Grill’d when you buy a burger, $2 Whoppers at HJs, 20% off at La Senza and hire one get one free at Movies ‘N’ More. A massive win for the student budget.

Common free time

Finally, the uni actually

Yo, just a reminder that you’re not meant to have any form of class on Wednesdays from 12pm-2pm. If you do, please let the Guild know. Basically if the uni is forcing you to have class at this time you’re missing out on fortnightly free sausage sizzles, G-Music in the Agora courtyard and heaps of club activities. It’s just another sneaky slap in the face by the uni so let’s put our foot (feet?) down.

Discounts, discounts

Curtin wins shit everywhere… in sport for once

Yep, you better believe it! At last count Curtin has won the TSWA Mixed 4s Beach

It’s true. Curtin Student Guild has struck up a nice little deal which means your guild sticker counts for discounts at all other WA universities and vice versa. This also means

So back in the day (circa 2006), every Grok edition used to include a short segment filled with goon facts and trivia.

It was written by a gentlemen whose nickname was, in fact, Gooner. While the Guild no longer has any staff with such a nickname, the general consensus is that goon is just as relevant to students as ever.

And so, the 2013 edition of Grok is proud to bring back ‘The Goon Bag.’

produces a

working app No we’re not talking about CellOPark that’s still utter crap. The app we’re talking about is SafeZone and it’s actually pretty decent if your university is as scary and ghetto-like as Curtin Bentley. It’s free to download and provides you with an emergency button, security help call button, and first aid button. It also apparently works at Waterford Plaza…added bonus!

#6 #7

Fuel tank, also known as a bladder tank.

Goon-Of-Fortune. It’s a pretty amazingly easy game really. Find a clothes line. Attach a goon bag to each corner with pegs. Get your friends to stand in a circle around the clothesline then spin it. Whoever it lands on drinks. That simple.

#8

A hat. It works kinda like a car windscreen shade. The silver totally reflects the sunlight.

It may not be Cancer Council certified but it’s gotta be better than nothing.

#9

Housing insulation…I don’t know why I’ve never thought of this before…

#10

Beach volleyball. Just don’t let the sun blind you and hit the tap. It hurts. A lot.

GROK #2 2013

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GUILD NEWS

and to care about the world as much as we care about ourselves.

queer department Khyl Hardy - Queer Officer Hi all, the next rally for marriage equality is getting closer and closer! May 11th is just around the corner now. Everyone who hasn’t made excuses to get out of work or that boring family thing needs to get a move on!

As I said in my last Grok report, election years are vital for the marriage equality campaign.

While neither one of the major parties is willing to overturn the Howard-era ban, election years are prime opportunities to force the issue into the public light and continue building momentum. Given the political terrain - the overwhelming popularity of equal marriage and the backwardness of (obviously) the Liberals and (shamefully) the ALP on the issue - those same major parties would love nothing more than for the momentum of the campaign to die down.

We should take inspiration from the American equal marriage campaign, fighting in far less favourable circumstances, yet making real gains - just last week (at the time of writing), for example, saw serious Supreme Court challenges to Federal and California State laws prohibiting same-sex marriage - the most serious challenge to homophobia in that country in a long time. We’re part of an international campaign - a campaign going from strength to strength - all the more reason to hit the streets while the momentum is with us!

Saturday, May 11th, 1pm Stirling Gardens, Corner of Barrack St and St Georges Tce (See our Facebook page for more details: https://www.facebook.com/EqualLoveWA)

International Students Committee ( isc ) International Coffee Hour: A warm cup of culture

The International Students Committee invites all Curtin students to attend the brand new International Coffee Hour. If you enjoy a nice cup of coffee and a good chat between people from all over the world, then this event is ideal for you. Here you will find students from each corner of the globe ready to share their culture and make new friends! You can also take this opportunity to come and meet members of the ISC team, and ask your questions and get involved!

The event takes place every Wednesday from 12-1pm at The Guild Courtyard.

For more information about the event please follow the ICH Facebook page: www.facebook. com/isc.ich

International Student of the Year: Do you have what it takes?

Are you a current international student at Curtin University? Do you always work hard to get excellent marks? Are you an active member of your community? Do you believe that you could be the next International Student of the Year? If you answered yes to all of the above

ISC Director of Publications, Catarina Demony questions, then this competition is for you. The International Students Committee is proud to announce that the International Student of the Year Award 2013 will take place in April at Curtin University. If you believe in your potential and you’ve got what it takes to win, don’t hesitate to apply! If the possibility of being nominated the International Student of the Year is not enough, you will be happy to know that the prize for the winners is going to be something out of your imagination. All international students will receive more information on how to apply via Curtin e-mail by early April. Don’t miss out on this opportunity!

How to become a world citizen

As an international student you will find that some people will describe you as a “world citizen”- someone who doesn’t belong to a specific country but belongs to the world as a whole. It sounds easy to become a “world citizen” but in reality there is much more to it and being an international student is sometimes not enough.

For most of us, leaving our home country for the first time comes with a mix of emotions – we desperately want to leave but at the same time all we want is to stay. The moment that we leave is our tiny first step into becoming a “world citizen”. However, the fact that we have left doesn’t make us one. We will become one if we choose to learn about and accept the world around us.

When we arrive in our host country we face a variety of differences that need to be overcome. If we choose the right path and face the differences with an open mind, it’s easier for us to integrate into the new life, cultures, and values of the place we choose to study.

By becoming a “world citizen,” we learn that places are made of people and we will fall in love with a place because of the people we meet there and not because how beautiful the place looks.

The culture of the people we meet may be different from our own and in order to become a “world citizen” we have to accept those differences and, above all, respect them. After a while we realise that those same differences are where all the fun of being away from home comes from. We see that people behave differently everywhere in the world, and what is acceptable for us might not be the norm in other cultures. But we also learn that most of the things we thought about a certain country are nothing more than stereotypes, and as a “world citizen” we learn how to erase them.

The key to become a citizen of the world is not just about accepting and learning other cultures or travelling and ticking off countries from our bucket list. Being a “world citizen” is to be comfortable with our own identity; to be able to look at the mirror every morning and be proud of the citizen that we have become; to be informed about the world conflicts but also about its beauty; and to teach the people around us about the world and to do something to help them realise that they can also become citizens of the world.

One day we may all have access to a “world citizen” passport - or maybe there will be no more international borders, but still that will not make us all citizens of the world. The only way to become one is to be a role model for society GROK #2 2013

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EQUITY DEPARTMENTS

socialist alternative Philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways; the point is to change it.

– Karl Marx

Marxism Discussion Groups

A series of discussions for left wing people to learn about the Marxist critique of capitalism and about the socialist project to change the world.

Topics include: What’s wrong with capitalism?

The working class, class struggle and trade unionism · Socialism and revolution · Imperialism, war & globalisation · Oppression & capitalism: how socialists fight racism, sexism & homophobia · The role of socialist organisation.

The Russian Revolution Stalinism and the defeat of the Russian Revolution · Refugees · Palestine You can join in any week. Each session begins with an introduction, followed by small group discussion. It is a great way to familiarise yourself with the revolutionary ideas of Marxism.

Every Tuesday 6.30pm, Citiplace Community Centre, at the top of Perth train station For campus meetings and activity contact: socialist.alternative.curtin@gmail. com Hosted by Socialist Alternative www.sa.org.au

curtin marketing association

Greetings from the Curtin Marketing Association!

Upon entering the professional world at the completion of your degree, it is becoming increasingly important to brand yourself in cyberspace. If you aren’t sure what LinkedIn is or how you can market yourself online, your questions will be answered at this talk!

We have invited a professional speaker to share his experiences and give advice on how you can use some of the many online tools available to brand yourself on the internet.

Join us on the 1st May, from 12-1pm, right here on campus in bld 408:2038.

For more information head to: www.facebook. com/events/443933109030739/, or email us at curtinmarketingassociation@ gmail.com.

We look forward to seeing you there!

Slow Down and Stress Less Anika Rodgers

Another year is flying by and life seems to be getting faster and faster. Many people are in a constant state of stress as their lives are go, go, go! But pressure from the daily grind can cause the mind/body/soul to become unbalanced and stress levels to rise.

Work, study, family, friends, partners and money often leave us feeling worn out while running around, like a squirrel frantically searching for acorns.

This speed-driven lifestyle – this desire to get everything done yesterday - often ends up with us neglecting our own health. Yes, we may be going to the gym, playing sport or trying to eat well, but the stress is still there – stress which hinders the effectiveness of our good work. Even my eight-month-old Beagle puppy seems constantly stressed out as he runs around the backyard chewing everything up like he’s just consumed 10 cups of coffee.

He loves the beach, which is great because he can run around and burn off his excess energy and come back home and have a nap (oh, the life of a dog!).

Not all stress is bad. The body requires a certain degree of stress to get things done and to protect itself. However, chronic stress levels can cause health problems leading to even more worry - even more stress – a very negative cycle indeed.

When we get stressed our body releases cortisol from the adrenal glands which sit on top of our kidneys. Cortisol is a hormone that helps support the immune system and looks after anti-inflammatory reactions in the body.

Too much cortisol being released can cause adrenal exhaustion, which gives you a feeling

of fatigue and makes it difficult for you to get to sleep or concentrate.

Stress sets off the body’s ‘Fight or Flight’ mode, which is why it’s a great idea to do something physical if you start to feel stressed out about something. Go for a jog after work, take a brisk walk during your lunch break, or run up and down a staircase a few times (people may think you’re mad, but that’s okay because you won’t stress out over it!). The physical activity will help your body use up the excess cortisol, helping you to feel calmer.

Finding your own way to unwind and release stress is important so you don’t come home at the end of the day feeling exhausted.

We all know how important it is to eat healthy, though we don’t always do it. I know I often get caught up doing so many things that I neglect my health and end up eating poorly.

This then leads to me feeling sluggish, which in turn prevents me from exercising as much, and before I know it I’m in a health rut. I generally catch myself, or my mum will say something when she catches up with me (family and friends are great for keeping you on track).

Relaxation Advice for the Mind/Body/Soul Yoga and Meditation are great ways to slow the mind and unwind. Even just closing your eyes for 5 minutes while breathing deeply helps to decrease stress levels.

Vitamins

are also great for supporting the body: B group nourishes the nervous system, and magnesium helps relax nerves and muscles.

A warm candlelit bath with essential oils such as lavender is very calming.

Herbal teas

such

as

chamomile

and

peppermint are another quick way to soothe the mind and body. Drink outside, surrounded by nature or inside, curled up with a good book. This is soul-nurturing stuff.

Nature

is the perfect place to release stress because the outdoors is full of negative ions, which remove the positive ions we absorb from being indoors or around technology. Go for a walk in the bush, watch a sunset on the beach or simply sit under a tree.

Things to avoid:

Coffee, too much alcohol, white grains and processed sugar. These things aggravate the body and cause you to feel irritated and tired.

Swap coffee for green tea (I like to drink green tea and mint). It has less caffeine and more antioxidants. You can still have coffee but just reduce the frequency of its consumption.

And of course eat healthy wholesome foods, because they put less pressure on your digestive system and the rest of your body.

Relaxing and looking after your mind/body/ soul is easier said than done and I know I don’t always achieve a balance between the three.

It’s not about feeling guilty with the stress in your life - this just increases your stress levels.

Instead recognise it’s time to find some ‘You Time’ so you can nourish yourself. When you feel balanced, everything flows smoothly and you’re able to handle anything that comes your way.

I will leave you with this quote that reminds us all to live in the moment and to not worry about what has been or what’s to come. The present grounds us and removes worry. I hope you have a relaxing (or at least less stressful) month.

“The Past is History, The Future is a Mystery and Today is a Gift” Bill Keane

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Anxiety Café Naomi Faye

I turn the corner and they are there, waiting. I hide for a few minutes, not wanting it to begin. Don’t open the door, I beg. Please…anything else.

They come at me, vultures. They demand things, they want salt, they want sugar, they want my soul. They want their hit now! I feel like throwing things at them: big, sharp objects, anything that will stop them in their tracks. It happens fast, their speedy, urgent arrival. One after another they move forward into this small, tiny space. I can’t get through, I can’t breathe, I catch a breath and they take my air!

I try to move swiftly through the minefield of people. It feels as though they’ve come here for me, just for my blood. I feel inadequate in this setting, not fast enough, not made for this kind of hefty battle.

My heart begins to race, my breathing quickens as I reach every new corner, forcing myself to deliver pleasantries. Pleasantries. Pleasantries to ominous creatures.

Bad things start to happen. Objects that I carry begin to fall out of my hands, I start losing my grip on what is needed to be done, what I came here for. I can’t process one thought, it’s a rush. Hours feel like minutes and I’m stuck here with characters from a deep, dark place.

It starts to come to an end, after hours of forced interactions. I start to slow my breath, regain my strength, reach for my drink, begin to pack away all that was ruined. Then I see it, the worst kind. The kind that will give me one last blow. Here it comes I say, two minutes before it was all meant to end - “Decaf Skinny Soy Chai Latte.” I swallow hard.

It’s a Saturday at the café and I’m spent.

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Speed is most commonly associated with danger.

On the roads, in your bloodstream, eating your dinner too quickly.

But for some reason, people still push themselves outside the boundaries of what’s considered to be safe, which is honestly something I’ve never really understood. I drive at the speed limit (if you’ve ever had people driving behind you getting all wound up that you’re not going faster when you’re going the speed limit, I feel your pain), I eat slow, I pace myself - I just don’t get why going fast is such an appealing idea, in any form.

But then I went snowboarding, and all this changed.

The rules of snowboarding are so different from anything else in life, and they go something like this:

Falling over is good

board straight down the mountain in order to change from going in one direction on one edge of your board to the other. You feel like you’re losing all control. And it’s terrifying.

This is the part that made me think that other things in my life are like this: before snowboarding, I was so scared to lose the control I thought I had. I was afraid to move fast, because then I would fall over and hurt myself. Even though it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and that inevitably I’d get up and keep going, I was still afraid. But when I did get over that, and I managed to let go of my fear, it felt amazing. It felt liberating, and what’s strange was that I had more control over everything than before when I was holding back. I was in control of what I was doing, even though I was going fast. That’s not to say I didn’t fall over. And on some pretty rock hard icy areas too, which really hurt. It’s called an ‘epic stack,’ and it’s not a skiing/snowboarding holiday unless you have a few. And it’s funny, because the feeling of when I did figure it out, how to let go and snowboard properly, and those ‘epic stacks’ are what I remember the most from my holiday.

And now it’s gonna get deep, so prepare yourself.

I didn’t go as fast as I possibly, humanly could have, because Don’t trust your instincts, until you I think I would’ve died. Illicit have snowboarding instincts. drugs are illegal for a reason.

Then trust your instincts. Until then do what your distractingly attractive snowboarding There are speed limits for a instructor tells you to do in his distractingly reason. But you shouldn’t slow charming British accent. yourself down because you’re The faster you go, the better.

And it’s a little bit scary. For the first few days afraid of falling. We should all try to If you’re falling over, you’re learning how to not fall over (I was very good at this).

you’re flailing around laughing at yourself and watching people fly past you while you think, “That guy’s really good and he’s on the beginner slope, what a jerk.” And then there are the muscle aches. Don’t even get me started on the complete, full body aching of muscles that you didn’t even know existed and barely being able to get out of bed in the morning because they feel like they’re made of wood. But when you get out there, there’s this moment when everything comes together - when you’ve finally learnt what you’ve had to learn to start being able to snowboard properly.

You know exactly what you’re supposed to do.

It’s necessary to be able to turn (obviously) and to do that, you have to be able to point your

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let go of the fear of failing, because I have the idea that at the end of my life, just like at the end of my holiday, the things that I’ll remember and will make me laugh are those ‘epic stacks.’ The trip would have been awesome if I could have done some fancy park stuff (half-pipe, jumps, rails, etc) but it was an amazing experience all the same, and one I’ll remember fondly for the rest of my life. I can’t help but feel like my fear of failure has taken away so much in my life already. I’m going to try to be a bit more fearless, and passionate, and do what I want to do when I want to do it. Because letting go was the best feeling, and there has to be more of that in life. After all, as the internet is constantly telling us, you only live once.

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Faster than the Speed of Life

Time Extension

Sleep is a beautiful thing. There are few better places to be than in the company of a thick doona and a large ‘SNOOZE’ button on a cold winter morning.

Polyphasic sleep theory suggests that all of those phases except REM - in which the brain is most active - are effectively useless. If you can force your body into going straight to the useful part then you can spend significantly less time sleeping. Thus the ‘Uberman’ polyphasic sleeping schedule was created. It takes the form of six 20 minute naps separated by waking periods of 2 hours 40 minutes, and if everything works out that’s only two hours of sleep per day. You’ve suddenly got another six hours in your day to do stuff with.

Jon Solmundson

But it takes up a lot of time. The average person will spend 28 years of their life sleeping. So why do we keep going back to bed?

Catching Z’s Sleep is one of those frontiers of science – one of the things we kind of understand, but don’t really. It’s the research equivalent of being on the tip of your tongue. We know where we’re going, but we don’t know exactly how to get there.

It’s the kind of speculation that leads to gross misunderstanding. That’s why an episode of House can send insomniacs Americawide into a panic, suggesting that ten days of sleeplessness can suddenly kill you. In the days after the episode’s airing there were more than a few worried phone calls to general practitioners.

Sleep is a big part of human life. 8 hours of our 24 we down tools and settle in for some rest. A full third of your day gone, just like that.

So people devise different ways of avoiding sleep. Of course there’s you and your 3 litres of coffee the night before deadline, but there’s also a group of people who are dedicated to squeezing the need to sleep out of their lives; people who are no friend to the doona and give no quarter to the pillow.

It’s called polyphasic sleeping, and the basic idea behind it is this: sleeping more times per day means shorter sleeps, leading to increased productivity. In theory, it works, because sleep happens in phases.

Remember those 28 years of your life spent sleeping? Well here’s the kicker: if you can cut down to even just three hours of sleep a day at age 20, and keep it up throughout your life, you’ve got an extra 11 years on your average Western lifespan. 11 whole years that you would otherwise just sleep away. You could watch all of the Lord of the Rings extended cuts just over 8,500 times with those years (if you never ate, drank, used the bathroom or decided to function as a human being in that time). 11 years really is a lot of time.

“It’s not the amount of extra waking hours, but the mental clarity I get after a sleep,” my cousin Mark says, avidly scrawling down notes about the Russian neo-classical movement, even as we speak. He’s a musical theatre student, and between learning three instruments, acting,

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singing and for god-knows-what-reason pursuing professional basketball, he doesn’t have much time to spare.

He’s pretty much the poster boy for the benefits of polyphasic sleeping. An insatiable ambition to learn, but not enough hours in the day to do it. The large online communities forming around polyphasic sleep are similarly ambitious, being a collection of people from younger industries that are happy to let someone swap their lunch break for a couple of 20 minute naps. Especially if it leads to increased productivity. It seems like a win for everyone.

“There’s about an hour there where I can just reflect with absolutely no other thought, no distraction.

The amount I’ve learnt in those hours is worth it alone.” Despite what

he says, it appears as if he speaks through tired eyes. “It’s much better than it was before,” he retorts to my gesture of concern.

“When I started I had to keep moving to stay awake, and at least it helps me eat better.”

He’s referring to an odd restriction of the polyphasic community. Apparently if you want to stay awake 22 hours of the day, you have to be incredibly conscious of your diet. Lots of slow-burn energy. No sugar, no caffeine-and depending on who you’re asking-no artificial preservatives. One single misstep and you’ll be inexplicably exhausted. Similarly, missing your scheduled sleep time will land you deep in the end of sleep hallucinatory deprivation.

Not exactly a place you’d ever want to be.

That part doesn’t make sense to me. If you could so easily adjust your body clock, why does it so violently retort when you don’t keep schedule? I need at least four hours of sleep before I consider it a ‘bad night,’ but with polyphasic sleep it’s more like 15 minutes.

Cracks in the Veneer

“The claim that humans can adapt to any sleeping pattern is false,” the doctor writes.

“Many shift workers never adapt to shifts in sleep patterns.”

Dr Wozniak also sees the diet and napskipping arguments as a socially reinforced false justification. He believes the community is so obsessed with the benefits of polyphasic sleeping, that they don’t see the fatigue for what it is - fatigue from not sleeping. It’s not hard to see his point when you read the comments he cites; “Man, I’m struggling so badly today... I really pissed my body off. Must have been the popcorn because I can’t think of another reason for this.”

He goes on to explain that fatigue will follow whenever you distort the standard human sleeping pattern (which he does admit is biphasic), and his warnings against extended non-standard sleep are dire.

The internet is great at recycling information, whether it’s well researched or not. So while science indicates you might be better off sleeping normally, that’s not the message anyone’s hearing.

“This propels an individual on a straight path to a volley of health problems, which include cardiac disorders, suppression of the immune system, diabetes, gastrointestinal disorders, obesity, depression...” and the list just keeps going. That’s not even considering the enormous risk of driving while fatigued or the social problems that arise from being constantly moody.

But I don’t want to leave you on a sour note.

See, the problem is few of the proponents of polyphasic sleep are academically trained in neuroscience, or even human biology. Dr Piotr Wozniak is, and he thinks people need to get a hold of themselves for a minute.

But it’s easy to scare people by telling them everything wrong with them comes from a lack of sleep. What actually convinces me of Dr Wozniak’s warnings is experience.

My cousin, as dedicated to his crazy sleeping schedule as he is, will happily admit that when trying to adjust to the pattern his immune system decided to stop existing. He would get incredibly sick, making him even more tired, and only stayed conscious through the use of very loud music and even more obnoxious alarms.

And it’s not like it was just that first time either.

The process of adjusting took weeks, and skipping a nap would see him drained for days to come. It wasn’t exactly life-threatening, but being debilitating sick and having to take midday naps didn’t make social life easy.

The Only Exception Dustin Curtis is a prolific writer, but has a very peculiar condition known as non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome. Essentially his body clock is attuned to the 28 hour day. A day that, unfortunately for Dustin, doesn’t exist on the planet Earth, resulting in an entire childhood’s worth of tiredness.

For Dustin, sleep is an obstacle that has to be overcome, so he’s decided he should break it down. Before, his physiology (which preferred to sleep at night) was fighting his brain (which would be active for 22 hours before deciding to start its six hours of sleep time), but the use of polyphasic sleep brought him some semblance of balance.

It’s a difficult thing for most people - taking 20 minute naps in the middle of the day - but for a person whose body ignores the very position of the sun, it solves a whole load of problems.

So don’t get me wrong, polyphasic sleep is a useful discovery.

So here’s the thing. If you’re a student who wants nothing more than to cram more knowledge into your head, polyphasic sleeping

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will give you more time in your day - there’s no question about that. You’ll learn a lot with all those extra hours, if you’re willing to put in the reading. My cousin still does. He’s always tired and eats like Jenny Craig herself is personally watching over him, but he’s also one of the brightest people I know.

In Australia we go to great lengths to secure a certain quality of life. We offer public holidays at the drop of a hat, and think working weekends is kind of despicable. It’s a country that will let you slow down if you want to, you don’t have to always run at top gear. So after my research, I’m at a loss as to why you might want to.

Polyphasic sleeping will keep you awake 22 hours a day. It can be done.

You can go faster than the speed of life, and outrun everyone else. But you might just end up awake at night, tired, alone and wondering how a bucket of popcorn made you sleep for 14 hours straight.

Student Assist Student Assist is the welfare department of the Curtin Student Guild. Simon, Juliana, Olivia, Jo-Ann and Jess are there to support all students, both postgrad and undergrad, with any personal, welfare, or academic issues.

Their services are free for all Curtin students and cover things such as:

Leaves of Absence Assessment Appeals Appealing terminations Withdrawing or Changing Courses Finances Time management help Tenancy advice And more…

Deferral from Study Complaints and grievances Plagiarism and Academic Misconduct Discrimination and harassment Health and wellbeing issues Study skills advice Career and resume help

Student Assist is completely confidential and will help make your life at University that little bit easier. If you happen to find yourself in need of help, then drop by Guild Reception (Building 106F), or you can make an appointment at a time that is convenient to you. Call Reception on 9266 2900 or email reception@guild.curtin.edu.au

You are already Awesome but let’s take it up a notch!

The Guild Student Assist has taken on many challenges and causes throughout its time, such as assisting students with academic misconduct issues, appeals and résumé writing skills. Now in 2013 as a department we are promoting the art of being awesome.

The word awesome is a beefy version of outstanding or impressive. Most students at Curtin already know how awesome they are and we encourage that attitude all the way.

Other students might not have that awareness and may not realise how awesome they truly are. For this small few, this article is for you.

Here are some methods that all of us can use to bring out our awesomeness.

attitude

The first thing to understand is your general attitude. How would you describe your attitude toward things? Is it optimistic, avoidant, or hopeless? Is your attitude affecting your

relationships or how you go about your daily tasks? These questions and many others might help align your attitude with your values and goals in life. They also might be a powerful way of assessing whether or not your attitude is cultivating your awesomeness or hindering it.

awareness

The second step that goes hand in hand with attitude is awareness. Having an awareness of how you fit into the world and how the world works around you is a powerful tool in maintaining your awesomeness. Are you the sort of person who enjoys the small things in life or do you take them and the people around you for granted? Think back to when you were a small child and you were given a present. The present came in a big box – most kids were amused with the gift for about 10 minutes but the box itself presented heaps of fun. Awesomeness takes being aware and appreciating life’s boxes and seeing the world through a child’s eyes as opposed to the boring grown up pair we all eventually develop.

authenticity

Thirdly, once you are aware and you have a keen attitude, it is time to be authentic. Most students on campus have their own look, interests, views on the world, etc, and that is what sums up authenticity. This famous and legendary quote by Oscar Wilde really highlights the importance of authenticity: ‘Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.’ So if you’re someone who likes bright clothes, GROK #2 2013

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documentaries and eating chocolate for breakfast – be proud and pat yourself on the back for being super awesome.

assertiveness

One of the most important ways of continuing your awesomeness is to be assertive. When interacting with other people, they will respect and recognise your awesomeness more if you communicate your needs whilst taking the needs of others into consideration. There are several steps to being assertive but the most important ones are to be straightforward, respectful and to advocate for yourself without giving in to other people’s opinions or pressure.

Hopefully these tips and tricks will help boost your awesomeness and shed light on how cool you already are!

For more information or advice:

Student Assist Contacts call Reception on 9266 2900 or 1800 063 865 for country callers. email: reception@guild.curtin.edu.au

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Luckily, if you’re a citizen with an Australian passport most countries don’t need you to obtain a visa if you’re travelling there short term. Often those that do require a visa allow you to gain it upon entry. You will be in trouble if you want to rock up to somewhere like Brazil though, where visas must be arranged prior to the trip. The Australian Government’s Smartraveller website is a great resource for this sort of information and lets you know exactly what you need to know before you go anywhere.

we all have that one fantasy: rocking up to the airport and getting on the first plane out of here, in order to see where fate takes us.

(If you thought you were the only one, you were wrong. Your limitless wanderlust doesn’t make you quirky or individual, you’re just bored and unfulfilled like the rest of us.)

It seems pretty ridiculous to just up and leave.

You have commitments; you can’t just hightail it out of the country on a whim. And even if you did, how would you afford the trip? How could you make sure you’d actually be allowed into your country of choice or have a place to stay when you got there?

Maybe you should learn a bit from the fantasy version of you and just stop worrying.

First off, if you’re reading this, you’re probably a uni student. And you know what uni students have? A whole lot of free time! Sure, you have assignments, a job, and family commitments, but there’s bound to be a week or two (or nine) in your holidays where you can just take some time off and do whatever you want. You need to be a little selfish and irresponsible to be spontaneous, and as a student, you probably have those qualities in abundance.

But how do you actually achieve the ‘big trip’?

Even though this is an impulsive decision, a little preparation can help. Pimp that swanky smartphone of yours with some useful apps that will allow you to speed through any troubles that might come your way. For example, HotelTonight can save you in a pinch when looking for accommodation. An international maps app (like Google Maps) will help you find all the nearby amenities you’re looking for and it will also probably save your arse when you get lost (though sometimes getting lost can be the best part of the trip).

Equip yourself with knowledge on cultural matters, such as local customs or any upcoming festivals and holidays that could interfere with your plans. You’ll also need some understanding of legal issues, like visas.

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When it comes to accommodation, doing things on the cheap can be a little tricky. You could be impulsive and carefree, relying on the kindness of strangers and websites like couchsurfing.com, or you can try to find a hostel (which can be pretty difficult to do when you haven’t had much time or a decent wi-fi connection to do your research). The time of your arrival will affect how easy it is to find accommodation or people willing to help you find it, so factor this into your flight choice and plan to arrive earlier in the day rather than in the middle of the night.

When you are there, explore the place and make sure to wine and dine like a local - or a very poor local, at least. You need to make sure you have enough money to get you home at the end of the trip!

If you’re somewhere where English isn’t the first language, Photo Translate will translate the words in images you take with your phone camera - pretty handy if you want to avoid any unwanted cuisine. There’s also iTranslate, which does the same for spoken words, and will likely come in bloody handy. Remember, if you don’t want to come home to a massive phone bill, you’ll need to either use public wi-fi or purchase a data roaming pack from your service provider so you can access the internet overseas without being charged a billion dollars (at least) per kilobyte.

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You’ll need to save up and set budgets, and although this is maybe not the most freespirited approach, it will save you a lot of hassle and can be done pretty quickly. When setting budgets don’t run on a basis of “I’m going to X location and want to spend this amount on this day, and that amount on that day.” Just know how much cash you’re bringing with you, and stick to it. Maybe set a limit on how much you want to spend on each trip if you’re destination hopping. And when picking flights, be extra-careful. Last minute tickets, contrary to popular belief, are usually not cheap. The people who absolutely need to travel last minute are probably desperate and will spend any amount of money to get to their destination, so costs will already be hiked up by the time you arrive at the airport. So it’s best to have a limit that is realistic, so as not to come back home ready to declare bankruptcy.

Finally, be smart - don’t decide you want to go skiing in Finland when all you’ve packed in your little carry-on is a bunch of shorts and singlets. Also, be prepared to be greeted with shifty looks at the airport - after all it is pretty dodgy to arrive on your own and want to get on any old plane and then pay for the flight upfront. You may have to wait a long time before anything good arises as budget airlines often try to fill up a plane as quickly as possible and often overbook them, so there might not be any seats available on your intended flight.

Holidays can be pretty amazing, but as for the months of planning and stress - not so much.

Flying away on a moment’s notice could be the solution to your travel problems, but only if you are willing to take every opportunity given to you and are comfortable with not having a plan. To have a successful and speedy trip, you’ve got to slow down and enjoy the ride.

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Who’s Faster: Superman or the Flash?

Scott Donaldson

For decades, this simple question of superhero speed has remained without a definitive answer - it truly is the “to be or not to be” of the pop culture universe.

Some claim that Superman is faster in the air and the Flash is faster on the ground. Some claim that they are equals. And some claim that they really just don’t give a crap about this kind of thing. The pair have raced seven times in DC’s history, but predictably, lame plot devices have prevented any sort of decisive outcome. Comic book readers have been arguing the merits of both characters for years - but these people are only a small part of a much larger subculture.

Somewhere in the dark, wild reaches of the Internet is a website called Screw Attack, which proudly proclaims itself as “the home of DEATH BATTLE!” And what is this all-caps scream that brings up horrifying no-longersuppressed memories of MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch? It’s a video series which features pairs of non-related fictional characters going at it in fights to the death. Each video contains an extensive, fifteen-minute ‘tale of the tape’ followed by the actual 3D animated fight itself, which generally goes on for another fifteen minutes.

Simulated battles include Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker, Mario vs Sonic, Boba Fett vs Samus Aran, and my personal favourite, Goku vs Superman. There’s no joking around here, either – DEATH BATTLE is about as far from humour as the Gestapo’s Christmas work party. The 25-episode-strong series means business, and its creator clearly isn’t going to give up until absolutely everybody on the Internet is made painfully aware of who is top dog in the world of not-actually-real dogs.

Yes, I also thought it sounded stupid and lame and crap. But this clearly isn’t the pet project of some guy living in his parents’ garage, poring over works of Stephen King and Joss Whedon so he can find out who would win in a fight between Randall Flagg and Malcolm Reynolds.

Nah, this guy is a veritable champion of the Internet. The video featuring the decisive battle between Goku and Supes has over 10,000 comments. That’s 10,000 instances of people giving enough of a damn to actually respond to the content - and that’s nothing to scoff at.

Smack “goku vs superman” into Google and

the results number in the millions. Encyclopedia Dramatica states, “Since the beginning of the internets, man has wondered who would win in an epic battle: Goku or Superman?” Even though the question is tongue-in-cheek, there’s definitely some factualness to it.

So there’s a whole subculture of people who like to argue the finer points of hypothetical inter-company superhero battles. And, thanks to sites like Screw Attack, they now have a place to discuss - either in diplomatic terms or in ALL-CAPS ULTRA RAGE - the merits of their favourite characters. User Tomcatm16 makes this fantastic analysis of the Sonic vs Mario video: “I’m thinking this is right, but could have been far more difficult for Sonic to win. Mario can jump far higher than Sonic. Knowing speed is a disadvantage wouldn’t Super Mario have more of an advantage by pitting his intelligence against that and choose a better place to fight? I’m just stating because Sonic isn’t the smartest (like the video already states). Also, Sonics’ spin jumps are not entirely controllable at higher speeds sometimes it would go around the opponent rather than hit them. Maybe, just maybe Sonic would miss and possibly defeat himself?”

Yes, you just read that. And yes, it was somebody discussing, without any semblance of irony, the finer details of jump mechanics in a live or die scenario.

PSap9, a user clearly on a mission to destroy the very concept of context, has this to say about a fight between Legend of Zelda’s Link and Final Fantasy’s Cloud: “I’m pretty sure dark magic is a lot worse than meteors. Besides meteors fall on the earth everyday, we just can’t see them because they’ve burned up so much when they enter the atmosphere. You’re gonna have to do a lot better than that. Link is an incredibly smart fighter, and is very physically strong (he IS a fucking sumo wrestler after all). Cloud might be stronger physically, but Link’s intelligence allows him to analyse Cloud so he can exploit his weaknesses.”

It is very easy to make fun of these people.

They are nerds, geeks, weirdos, dweebs, and dorks, and they care about stupid, pointless things. But did you know that there are people out there who become genuinely upset when a group of people they like kick a ball between some sticks fewer times than a group of

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people they don’t like? Did you know that there are people out there who yell at their television when somebody “kills” them in a video game?

And did you know that there are people out there who go to Paramount every weekend?

My point is that your interests and hobbies might look stupid from somebody else’s perspective.

I personally don’t understand sports; I don’t get how people can become so invested in the football season when it just repeats itself year after year. But I’m hardly going to go out there making fun of football fans for liking something that I find stupid, because 1) I would probably receive a pint glass to the face from somebody five times my size, and 2) I don’t have a solid reason to prevent people from arguing Dockers vs Eagles (even when they aren’t playing) - it’s part a genuine interest, and pretty much the same as arguing Superman vs the Flash. So instead of making fun of other people’s interests, just ignore them, and get on with your own probably-stupid crap.

And yes, you guessed it, everything is looking to end on a touchy, rom-com-esque, ‘let’s accept each other for who we are’ note. This is something I absolutely do not want to do, so instead of pulling a Mean Girls, I’m going to answer the ultimate question.

In Superman: The Movie, Supes flies at superluminal speeds around the Earth in order to reverse time so that he may save Lois Lane from suffocating to death in a car which is rapidly filling with dirt (greatest damselin-distress death ever? I think so). However, the Superman that exists in modern comic books has never done this - he can of course travel at incredible speeds, but he’s never used the ability for timey-wimey purposes.

So essentially, the full extent of Superman’s powers really depends on which version of the Man of Steel we’re inspecting.

In issue seven of DC’s epic Final Crisis, two Flashes (don’t even) run faster than light in order to travel backwards and forwards through time - and they do this with relative ease. Flash 1 speeds back through time to meet Flash 2, and then they both run forward through time together. Easy-peasy.

So if we disregard the films and only take the comics as ‘fact,’ there’s a clear winner: The Flash.

Come at me, nerds.

Pay Attention!

Jarod Rhine-Davis

If you’ve seen Pixar’s Up, you know just how distracted and unfocused people can be. And also how hilarious it can be when those unfocused people are gifted with perfect comic timing. But all jokes aside, society has an

epidemic on its hands - an epidemic of short attention spans. Don’t think this applies to you? Ever doodled in a lecture? Ever played naughts and crosses with the person sitting next to you while the tutor droned on? Heck, even the Guild diaries have games in them in case you zone out during a tutorial. And if you think we only zone out after listening for too long, think again. The rest of our senses also play a part.

For example, these days we don’t like reading long things anymore. Ever started a long reading then let out an audible groan and started skimming it instead? Perhaps this is because we have no reason to. Have an essay to do? Read the Wikipedia article and draw your own conclusions (and simply reference the citations the page uses). Lazier? Why

not just check out the Sparknotes entry and regurgitate the info onto the page. Lazier still, pay someone to write it for you - you won’t have to read a thing. Is there anything we can do about this? Well, there’s only one way to find out - with a long-ass article! So let’s dig a little deeper and see if there’s a light at the end of that tunnel.

If you really think about it, this whole short attention span thing boils down to the notion of us constantly wanting life to be easier and more efficient for ourselves. We’re exposed to ever-evolving technology and constantly want more for less, and we have ironically been bitten in the ass as a result.

Let me explain.

100 years ago: “Sick of those useless ‘leg’ things? Why not try our latest invention: the car. Who needs fresh air and the wonder of the outside world when you’ve got the stuffiness of your convertible and new car smell to keep you company?”

5 years ago: “Afraid of talking to people? Not to worry. With Facebook you never have to

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endure human contact ever again! Sit on a chair and literally hear the fat congealing as you update your status.”

See what I mean? It’s this constant desire for more. And now that we live in a world where everything is at our fingertips at the click of a button. We have too many things available to us and as a result we don’t know how to live in the moment anymore. All we care about is what we would rather be doing. It’s really sad, not to mention a really unhealthy way to live. For example, when was the last time you have ever been able to enjoy something like a party or a wedding or even a conversation with a friend wherein you have never thought to check your texts? Or thought, ‘ooo that would make a great Twitter update’? Or whipped out the Wikipedia app to look up something that somebody just mentioned? Or lived the entire event through the lens of a camera? How many times have you flicked through song after song on your iPod after about 5 seconds each, never settling on a piece of music? Thinking honestly about your answer may just make you a tiny bit terrified (I know I am). And I would argue

the latest abominations in this downward spiral of first world problems (all-in-one devices like iPhones, mostly) have turned this generation into a group of ‘now’-hungry, hyperactive, removed people.

And that brings me to another consequence - or perhaps cause - of the short attention span epidemic. I know for a fact that if there is anything young adults are terrified of more than brussels sprouts, Slenderman, and SBS News, it’s a convoluted – not to mention superfluous – vocabulary. Why are we so afraid of using long words? Are we

scared of becoming ‘smart alecs’? Do we risk alienating ourselves from our friends if we succumb to creative bursts of high-quality prose? Perhaps in a modern day society when so much communication relies on our shared cultural capital, we are forced to enter lowest-common-denominator territory. Mostly because it’s super easy to share and distribute simple content via platforms like Facebook and Tumblr.

And this leads me to one thing I absolutely cannot stand – the lack of grammar on the internet. In particular, the grammar of our demographic. And it’s not like we don’t know how to type; it’s almost as if we don’t want to – like an artistic choice, using things like Twitter and Flickr to rebel against the corporations.

But in all seriousness, we generally lose interest when things are hard to read or type, and we end up avoiding writing things that are long or difficult. Maybe it’s our way of saying that simpler is better – that getting straight to point is always better than skirting your way around issues to confuse everybody.

But we ironically end up making conversing much more complicated when even the most normal sentences are made up of codes that have to be cracked by the detectives and sleuths of the internet. It’s almost as if people are like, “Ahhhh!!! A word!! It will eat me! The scary word! Ahhhh a long word. Take it away!

Take it awaaaaaaaay!!!” Users are horrified by the very thought of cohesive conversations, disillusioned by the notion of world absent from awkward moments and non-sequiturs.

Here’s a typical Facebook status I see time and time again. (I use the term ‘read’ lightly.

I usually start feeling dizzy after a couple of words.

“omg i<3u so mch n jstn bbr is so ht omgomgomg ths guy u wnt blv it lk omg he is lk tttly dng tht and its jst nt cool that guy is a ho gz chrst.”

The sad thing is that even if you manage to decode it, it still doesn’t actually make sense.

Nwdz we hv 2 use mch smlr wrds n no pncttin

fr feer dat well di of brdm rr smtng lk dat. And as if all that wasn’t bad enough, we also have instances where the substitute words are actually the exact same length as the others.

Do we do it to be cool? Different? Young and rebellious? I don’t know.

Changing subject slightly, let’s move onto the massive issue of products’ ‘staying power’ (i.e. how long they can be relevant until they drift off into the sands of time and forgotten about). For example, Oprah was essentially the Jesus Christ of talk show hosts for 25 years, and after pondering for a bit how they could possibly exist in a world without her, when she ended her show in 2011 all her ‘loyal’ fans forgot about her and switched over to Ellen.

is. Kind of like when I was at the Louvre two years ago, and walked passed rooms full of 50 or so masterpieces each, and ended up ‘meh’ing at them. Because these works – that had so much effort put into them – had become devalued by their own abundance.

And thinking about it from a slightly different perspective, are we now using less information to make decisions about more?

Internet memes epitomise the fickleness of our society. The greatest trends one week can be yesterday’s garbage. Ever said “whatever happened to...?” Even the greatest phenomena die out fast. And I can’t help but wonder why. Is it because entertainment is getting worse, or because out short attention spans require that we are always searching for that something more? Perhaps it’s all about being interactive – being a part of something bigger than ourselves, and that once we’ve already added our input there’s no reason left to care.

Because maybe culture doesn’t rely on actual talent anymore, but on cheap gimmicks that everybody can participate in. Like the Harlem Shake, or the Cup Song.

There is an awesome series on Youtube called ‘_____ react to _____’ by TheFineBros. In one of their videos a teenager says something which I think just perfectly sums up our thought process: “What’s this? This is weird.

Okay this is really funny. Now I wanna be a part of it. Okay it’s getting annoying now. I hate it.

Let’s all get onto hating the _____ thing.” The Kony 2012 ‘Cover the Night’ thing fell into the ground fast.

Our desire to get information as fast as possible before moving onto the next fad also means that there are no such things as spoilers anymore. The world is at your fingertips, and if you want a piece of information, you can easily go out and grab it, consequences be damned. Have you ever desperately wanted a piece of information at a particular moment, and searched on the internet for it, and then afterwards felt guilty for spoiling it for yourself?

I certainly have (*cough* upcoming glee songs *cough*), and it’s not a very nice feeling.

Being anxious about something is a good thing. It means you are genuinely invested in it. If you are force-fed everything you want at the slightest desire, you will start to take everything for granted. I think we have so much stuff available to us that we’ve forgotten quite how valuable and special good-quality content

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For example, reviewers may have a subjective opinion about films based on the circumstances surrounding when/how they saw it, but as soon as the Rotten Tomatoes score is up, public opinion is set in stone.

Because it’s much easier to check out an aggregated score than reading tonnes of individual reviews. So is it worth shunning years of preparation and planning by a bunch of talented people because the word ‘40%’ happened to cross our eyeballs? Are the reviews that made up that final score just?

I’m not sure, but these sorts of things are happening more and more often. That’s a bit scary, especially when it comes to important decisions like buying a car or house, not a $20 movie ticket. And we’re all guilty of it to some degree. I believe the concept is referred to as ‘bounded rationality.’

So in closing, I’m sure if you’re in my generation, you didn’t read a word of this.

And that’s cool. You can check out my Tweet about it later. Because ironically the greatest argument for our short attention spans is your possible inability to read this article on short attention spans. But considering you made it this far, I think you’ve proved me wrong on that and I applaud you for your courageousness and stamina. In any case, I hope I’ve amused and enlightened parents, teachers, stuffy old people, and the like. And here’s hoping you cite this “academic” source when dealing with your distracted kids as they lead their fractured, unfocused, hashtag-infused lives.

Maybe the way forward is to just find a way to be content with our world as it is. Maybe this consumerist, materialistic culture is unhealthy.

Maybe the ‘Western’ way of life is killing us.

And we just don’t know it yet. Or maybe we do, yet choose to live on because we are already in too deep. Maybe that’s the scariest thought of all...

Ooo, that’s actually quite poignant. I think I might make that my Facebook status. Just hold on a sec. I’ll be back asap to finish off the piece.

Page-Turning Time-Turners Chloe Macri

We’re introduced to the Time-Turner in part three. And it’s not used lightly - because as we all know, when it comes to backwards time travel, even the slightest mistake can have huge ramifications on the future. The time trip wasn’t even talked about until the very end. But it all ended well; she really saved the day. Good one Hermione!

Yeah ok, I’m talking about Harry Potter, and its wands, spells, and magical devices. But seriously, it’s lucky that she had that TimeTurner in the first place. What if she didn’t? A tragic ending to a trilogy. Good one JKR! I have a time turner, but I’ve never used it. In fact, it’s still in its box. Whether it’s real or not is highly debatable - but if it really was a trusty, handy, working time turner, I still don’t know if I’d use it. Would you? What would you change?

What if you went back and changed something and then it screwed up horribly, à la Looper?

Would you use your time travel abilities for good or evil? The greater good or personal glory? Would you go back to a particular moment in order to perfect it?

What if everybody had access to TimeTurners? Maybe there would be rules – laws, even. Would there be a time police to say who could have one and who couldn’t? One per suburb? One per household? One per country? Would we have allocated time travelling times or would it be a huge free-forall? When could we play in the past and when would we have to play in the present? What a big fat mess everything would be. We’d all be so intent on getting past moments exactly how

we wanted them, whether they really needed fixing or not. But at the same time we’d be changing too, based on what we and everyone else was messing around with. Think, Back to the Future style, they cut that pretty close - it could’ve ended badly so very easily. Imagine falling in love with your mum. Awkward much?

Very much. What if we got stuck in some other universe? How very ghastly! Man, if that happened, I’d skip out on people altogether and go chill with the dinosaurs. T-Rex ftw!

Without getting all deep and meaningful here, what about our feelings!? Take the Time Traveller’s Wife, a prime example of how romantically stuffed up life can get when you date and old man who is actually a baby. Or is he? I don’t really understand the logistics.

But fancy that for a second. How hard would that be to manage? Talk about a long distance commitment!

“Sorry, Fenton couldn’t make it to dinner again; he’s busy in 2630BC Egypt...something about a triangular brick, I’m not sure, I wasn’t really listening...”

haven’t seen it, I don’t mean to ruin it for you but man, does he well and truly screw up his life. What a joke. See, the flaw in his universal, time turning remote is that he loses control.

The remote always wins and eventually, as his life flashes before his eyes, he regrets the whole shambarkle. (But yeah, sorry to ruin that time travelling movie for you kids. You should watch it, it’s totally not predictable.)

No matter what kind of technological masterpieces we possess, no matter how many phone boxes or police boxes we paint blue and definitely no matter how many times we spin around in a circle (trust me on this one), us humans just cannot change the speed of time, let alone experience time travel. And quite frankly, I am so very relieved.

Let us not be too caught up in the past, of what we have done, or not done, and of what we might want to change. Ain’t nobody got time for that. And please, let’s not be too caught up in the future, because pretty soon it’ll be right here. Just have a jolly good time now I say, before it all speeds away and we wake up one morning alone and surrounded by cats.

Whether in movies, books, or videogames, we all love the occasional mind-bending, time-turning adventure.

Imagine how smart we’d be if we could pop into our DeLorean halfway through a test. Too easy, young space traveller: straight A’s and lesson learnt. But is it really lesson learnt?

Whenever my time turner looks at me lovingly and calls out to me, I just think of Adam Sandler.

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Because realistically, we are never ever going to get the chance to change time. That can be very good, or that can be very bad. Ponder that and decide for yourselves. But as for me, my time turner is staying in the box on my shelf, just to be safe.

speedrun

noun A play-through of a video game in which the whole game (or a particular section, such as a single level) is played with the intent of completing it as quickly as possible.

There’s an art to beating video games amazingly fast. You might be thinking, “I could probably complete a game in one sitting,” but this is child’s play for seasoned speedrunners - these guys will wake up and finish Ocarina of Time before you’ve even had your breakfast.

Super Mario 64, the beloved gem of the Nintendo 64, has a speedrun time of around sixteen minutes. The average completion time of Mario 64 is considerably higher - you’re probably looking at a few hours at least, and even I’ve been known to spend sixteen minutes completing a rather tricky jump. So how is this done in such a short time? Well, in this instance, it’s down to a glitch. With some skilful jumping in order to get through a locked area, players can access the final level of the game with only sixteen stars in their possession (as opposed to the seventy which are required when playing ‘normally’). But even when glitches are taken advantage of, these speedruns are still amazing testaments to skill - every second counts, and players must commit to muscle memory every single button press if they are to achieve record-breaking times.

My favourite speedrun has to be Super Mario Bros 3 for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

With eight worlds in total (each containing a whole bunch of individual levels) it will take a while to complete, although it’s definitely a game you can complete in one sitting if you’re dedicated enough. So what’s the speedrun time you say? Around fifteen minutes, but the most amazing part of this is that it only takes two minutes to get to the final world. If this doesn’t surprise you, let me explain just how vast these worlds are. Each is made up of a handful of levels, with a mini-boss in the

middle to split them up. And when you think you’re almost done, you’re chucked into a tough boss battle that if you lose, has the boss run away, forcing you to chase him down and start over. This all adds on extra time that you just can’t afford in a speedrun. But this isn’t the only way to blast through the game – as with Mario 64, there’s a way to skip content.

Magical flutes (yes, magical flutes) are hidden halfway through the first world and, if found, allow the player to reach the final level of the game without having to play through worlds two to seven, resulting in a drastically lower speedrun time. This technique is known as sequence breaking.

Obviously, the amazing speedruns with astronomically great times come down to cheats, glitches, and hidden flutes.

Understandably, this may not be your thing.

But if a world record is at stake, you might as well Lance Armstrong it, given that in most cases you’re totally allowed to.

But although glitches and Easter eggs are considered fair game, the speedrun community possess a great hatred of anyone who uses hacks to cut time off their run. Hacks can sometimes be difficult to spot, making it difficult to judge whether or not a run is ‘clean.’

While you could complete a game with hacks that make you invincible or let you run through walls, it really takes away from the competitive value of speedruns. Kind of like running the 100 meters against someone who is on a motorbike.

Don’t fret if you don’t feel like you’re a cheater and therefore can’t be involved in the great sport of speedrunning, because there still exists the classic speedrun which relies on reflexes and skill. These speedruns are often referred to as ‘route planning’ speedruns, in which the player already knows every move they plan to make before they start playing the

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game. While this can work for any game, it is often incredibly helpful when you approach a game with a lot of variables, or non-linear narrative elements. This is especially prevalent when it comes to games such as Final Fantasy which are known for their open world maps and mass of optional side quests. When it comes to getting your time down, it might help not to go after extra characters or ultimate weapons. The skill part of these planned routes can also relate to beating bosses at a much lower level than expected. This would rely on a strong knowledge of enemy weaknesses and character strengths that other players may miss. The norm for most role-playing games generally leans towards taking a brawn over brains approach and merely out-levelling the enemy, which is not a luxury a speedrunner can afford. For instance, Final Fantasy 7 is estimated to have around 50 – 70 hours’ worth of content, although the speedrun is just shy of 8 hours. This includes cut scenes, long dialogue bars and the infrequent swapping of discs.

Speedruns mostly still lend themselves to older or classic games. This is most likely down to the fact that the games are shorter.

Games released for the Nintendo are often used for speedruns more because the games were smaller due to the limitations of early generation consoles. Since the original Playstation, games have become considerably larger. Modern games feature hefty cut scenes and long stretches of dialogue, which make speedruns more difficult. Games that focus heavily on storytelling aren’t that popular in the larger speedrunning community, however there do exist small groups dedicated to smashing through longer games like Fallout or Final Fantasy. Often the games that rule the speedrun community are the ones that have minimum story and already have exploits that keep the run time below an hour.

How to not suck at photography

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Have you ever shot an image at night and wondered why your photo was so dark and fuzzy? Taken a photo of your friend while they are killing it on the dance floor only to be greeted by a blurry mess? Been out on a nice summer’s day and thought, “blimey, my photos are so bright!”

We may be well into the twenty-first century, but that doesn’t mean that technology is always going to work how you want it to.

These things happen because your camera isn’t always good at guessing what settings it should use. So don’t waste that $1000 snazzy camera of yours by using automatic settings take control, and you could be the next David Bailey!

shutter speed Let’s start off with shutter speed. This is the amount of time your image will take to shoot, and how long you allow light to enter your camera. This is called exposure, and affects how bright or dark your photograph will be.

To give you an idea and a general starting point, the most common shutter speed is 1/125. This is one 125th of a second, and used mainly for portraiture (that’s right, you can now take a better selfie for Facebook, hooray!)

The number attached to each shutter speed is referred to as a ‘stop.’ Each time you up your camera stop you half the exposure time, thus doubling the stop number, meaning you’re shortening the speed because everything works in nth’s of a second. Confusing, I know, but here are some examples: For that wonderful night cityscape we may go for 2 sec, 1 sec, 1/4th of a sec, 1/8th of a sec, 1/15th of a sec, 1/30th of a sec, as they are considered slower shutter speeds.

For the posers taking sexy shots of themselves or each other, 1/60th, 1/125th, or 1/250th are effective speeds here. These speeds are considered mid-range.

To get rid of blur in the “look at me jumping in the air next to this awesome landmark” shots, we might use 1/500th, 1/1000th or 1/2000th, which are considered faster shutter speeds.

There are stops in-between, but I don’t want to get too complicated.

We use shutter speed to either freeze motion (with short exposure) or add emphasis to movement through motion blur (with long exposure). Long exposures are also used to shoot landscapes when it’s dark, because you can let the small amount of light hit the sensor for a longer period of time, thus producing a brighter image.

wider open your aperture will be. The higher your f stop the more closed your aperture will be, restricting the light entering the camera.

Aperture restricts the input of light to your camera when you open the shutter. Which of course works backward numerically - bloody maths and fractions making our lives difficult!

As I explained earlier, f3.5 is a bigger aperture (brighter image) and f22 is a smaller aperture (creating a darker image).

If you’re staring down at your Nikon thinking, “Oh this is too complicated,” don’t worry! The easiest way to learn how the settings work is to try them out for yourself. So fill up a 32 gig memory card with crazy exposure-affected shots, and I guarantee by the time you’re done, it’ll be easy.

For those of you thinking that this is too much, you can now use your camera on shutter speed priority mode and you’re good to go!

This mode name varies depending on your camera, but allows you to set your desired shutter speed and your camera will do the rest.

Nifty, hey!

ISO Settings Note the ISO you set your camera to can affect the exposure even when using this mode.

Changing your ISO alters the sensitivity of your camera’s sensor inside the body. ISO starts at 100 (darker) and ranges up to the thousands (brighter) depending on your camera. Be careful using ISO though, as a high ISO can create noise - unwanted coloured flecks - on your image. I would advise you to avoid changing your ISO to a higher number unless necessary until you get the hang of things.

aperture For you enthusiasts, let’s move onto aperture.

If you have your mind set on using a certain shutter speed, you then need to select your aperture setting to get the right exposure for your image (as well as your ISO, if need be).

The range of aperture (referred to as f-stops) when using a standard lens is generally: f3.5, f5, f6, f8, f11, f16, 22. The smaller your f stop the

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You can get other lenses with lower or higher aperture depending on their type but for the benefit of your brain I’ll let you discover this on your own later, because there are A LOT of lens types and sizes.

So step one: set your ISO. Step two: Select the shutter speed you want to use. Step three: select your aperture. Go on Bailey, you can do it!

To try and help you get your head around all this I’ll give you a (very) rough example of a photo opportunity: if I am outside on a sunny day photographing my friend, I would want to use a low ISO, 100. (I only alter that if I really need too, which I don’t because it’s already bright.) A high aperture (f11/16/22) to make sure I don’t let too much light into the camera and a fast (ish) shutter speed to freeze her motion (1/125th 1/250th of a second, or faster if I wish).

Information overload? Maybe, but once you start experimenting with your camera it will all make sense - hopefully. Be patient and eventually you will get results and produce a super photo that isn’t blurry, too bright or noisy, and then you can ask, ‘Would you like to do a photo-shoot?’ to all the hot “models” you spot around uni. Good luck!

Coffee and Alcohol Ciaran Johns

artwork: vanessa gurung

Life in the 21st century demands that we do everything fast. We

get mad if our Big Mac and fries take more than three minutes to prepare, our keyboards create cacophonies out of status updates and instant messages, and we speed down the freeway to get to work, somehow brushing our teeth and drinking our espresso at the same time.

But rarely do we consider the poor barista who had to slam said espresso together in a split second, sacrificing his or her artistic integrity for the speedy needs of their customer. I’m sure at some point in their training, they had been told, “It’s not a race.” However, our society has become so obsessed with doing things quickly, it was only a matter of time before we made it one.

The World Barista Championship is a competition that requires competitors to make twelve cups of coffee (four espressos, four cappuccinos and four signature drinks) within fifteen minutes. People come from all over the globe to compete. However, before getting the opportunity to battle it out in the World Barista Championship, one must win their respective International Barista Championship.

Ron Ngo, owner of Maven Espresso in Perth has competed in the International Barista Championship on numerous occasions.

“It’s my fourth year competing in this particular competition, probably the one I’ve been doing the most. I’ve come second four times in a row, which is a little disheartening. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”

Competitors undergo rigorous training which has to be scheduled around the hectic working hours that come with being a barista. Ngo manages to train three hours a day up to three months before the big competitions.

A number of Ron’s employees accompanied him to Melbourne, where the competition is

held. Melbourne is known for its huge café culture, making it the perfect location for such an event.

The competition is assessed on a number of criteria with speed being an important part of the judging process.

“We sent everyone from this café just to see the culture over there and what we want to do and what we want to bring back from there. I used to live in Melbourne and spent two years roasting coffee over there and it inspired me. I wanted them to get that inspiration.”

“Bartenders need to be able to pour two consecutive 330ml chalices. That requires a certain amount of speed, concentration, and you also need to be able to look up at the audience at the same time and have a personality on stage. To do that, you need to be particularly aware of how the beer is pouring and you have to have speedy hands.”

“The café culture in Perth is still getting there in a sense that we don’t have as much variety as what we would like. The market here is Five Senses dominated, which is great because they make really nice coffee, but we don’t have much choice. We still have a little ways to go. In Melbourne it’s all about freedom of information.

Everyone loves to share how we make coffee, how we roast coffee, how we serve coffee. In Perth, everyone’s very secretive; it’s a little 1990s if you will. They think that it’s a special skill, it’s something no one else can learn when it’s actually quite simple.”

Coffee is by no means the only beverage that has become associated with a competitive sport. The Stella Artois World Draught Masters competition involves pouring a Stella Artois pint, following the nine part pouring ritual, a tradition that is said to ensure freshness and purity in a pint of beer. Charles Mudd was runner-up in the 2012 competition. He is a fulltime manager at the Boulevard Hotel in Floreat.

“I started at a regional level, here in the Belgian Beer Café and I got through that stage. I then went to Melbourne and competed against the state finalists and then managed to get through that round. Then I went to Montreal so that was awesome, really enjoyed my time over there. I came second to the Belgian guy, who won it.”

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As well as being able to pour beer and put on a show for the crowd, Charles had to go through a rigorous interviewing process and provide a profile with a background story to the judges.

Charles said that the beer pouring aspect was only about 30% of the competition.

The winner of the competition is crowned the Stella Artois Global World Draught Master ambassador, a very important role that comes with a lot of responsibility.

“Stella Artois will be taking him (the winner, Allaine Schaiko) around the world to their different global markets. As much as it’s an advertising campaign, it’s also about education of bartenders and just promoting Stella Artois. He’ll be doing very different roles, meeting lots of people, showing his skills and passing that information on to other people.”

The respective cultures surrounding both coffee and beer in Australia are huge. In many ways both the World Barista Championships and the Stella Artois World Draught Masters competition are a celebration of the drinking culture that unites people of all backgrounds.

Those skilled enough to enter these contests are the people who have managed to adapt to the speedy world we live in.

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I’m bored in class. The tutor is talking about something irrelevant to my life, I’m hung over, and I don’t care

that I’m not paying attention. I look down at my phone and an idea comes to mind. I sneakily take a photo of my friend in class and put some lame-as caption on it like ‘Satan’s spawn’ and draw a devil horns and a pitchfork. I then send it to all of my other friends who have Snapchat.

Minutes later I receive the same kind of photo from other people. From then on I take photos of random objects in the room and add lame puns to them like ‘I’m your biggest fan’ or ‘white-bored.’ And that, my lovely reader, is the power of Snapchat: distracting students everywhere.

In September 2011 the mobile app Snapchat was introduced to the world. It was inspired by the humiliation of a New York politician who was found sending sexy pictures of himself to a woman online. I like how a horny politician inspired the creation of a now popular app see, politics do matter.

Snapchat is simultaneously the best and worst thing that has ever happened to mankind. I’m guessing 90% of people reading this have an iOS/Android mobile device and have heard of this relatively new app. For those who are technically oblivious however, here is a summation of the app: take a photo, control the amount of time it will exist in cyberspace, then send it to your Snapchat-using friends. Easy as 1, 2, 3. Thankfully, Snapchat has a screenshot function so you can try and capture that lovely

photo of your best friend that looks more like a mixture of tongue, teeth and eyes than a face.

However, most people aren’t stupid and leave their snaps up for 10 seconds; many decide 3 seconds is the perfect amount of time for us to have a peek and either laugh or become scarred for life…

You can also send videos to your friends.

Some of the video snaps I get from my friends are of pets acting crazy, randoms at clubs, or, if I’m lucky, sometimes the sender sings for me. Who needs VIVO with Snapchat around? But the majority of them occur when I’m drunk so the videos I send are of drunk activities that my friends and I get up to. We wake up and then see about 10 Snapchats waiting to be opened and that’s when we know we did something stupid.

to send a one second snapshot of their dick to me. Thank you very much for that picture, I really appreciate it. It definitely shows how mature you really are. Lucky for them I’m not a whiz at screenshotting the snaps so I can’t embarrass them at a later date. It’s okay, boys, I’m getting better, so watch out - your junk could become Facebook famous.

To some, Snapchat is not just fun and games; the app has caused some controversy in the past couple of months. The youth of today have taken advantage of this once innocent and fun app and turned it into a means to enact their sexual fantasies.

Out of all the apps I have on my phone, I feel as if Snapchat is the most unproductive yet fun app I have ever used. Facebook is there for socialising with your friends, Instagram is to post pictures of your food to make all the bitches jealous, and Cat Wang is for putting cats everywhere. Snapchat is, essentially, useless. In some ways it’s a GPS device: if you want to know where your friend is just look at their most recent Snapchat and deduce from the background their current location. So instead of asking someone where they are just look at their Snapchat and go to that place.

Genius! Or don’t ask – Snapchat is also a great stalking tool…

Some of my guy mates think it’s quite funny

SNAPCHAT Athina Mallis

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Good one horny 13-year-old in sending a picture of your small dick to all of your female contacts - they’ll totally date you now!

(That was a joke, put your phone away!) It’s apparently also being used for paedophiles to perv on the youth of today. Great, another app made for pure enjoyment has just been destroyed by some asshole’s need to see a 16-year-old’s tits. You people are the reason why we can’t have good things.

Snapchat is probably the best thing ever to happen to me: a selfie-whore who does nothing but take photos of herself and everything around her. But probably the worst thing to happen to my contacts. Sorry guys, I’ll try and contain myself, but no promises!

The Speed Article Chelsea Banner

Speed: also known as methamphetamine, crystal meth, ice, or just meth, it can sell on the street for between 180-1000 dollars per gram. And today we’re going to learn how to make it!

Not really. You have Breaking Bad for that, and as a nursing student I really shouldn’t promote the use of any illegal drug. So, if you’re an avid watcher of Malcolm and the Middle’s dad turned bad, you know vaguely how it is made.

However, do you know how it works?

Speed is super accessible because it’s easy to take. It can be taken orally, inserted rectally, dissolved in drinks, smoked, snorted or injected. When a typical person is high on speed, they will present as irritable, nervous and violent, while experiencing mood swings and an increase in activity. The main hazards of using speed are that it can cause arrhythmias (an irregular or abnormal heartbeat), loss of appetite which can lead to starvation, hallucinations, stroke, cardiovascular collapse, paranoia, convulsions, coma, brain damage, death from overdose, and more.

Amphetamines are frequently abused because they act fast, make you feel good, or stop you from feeling bad.

Speed is similar to the following natural hormones that exist in the body: noradrenaline, adrenaline, and dopamine. These are, however, more lipid-soluble and active in the central nervous system. Being more lipid-soluble, speed can easily cross the blood-brain barrier, and since it can penetrate into the central nervous system easily, it is a more potent and longer-lasting stimulant.

Speed increases the release of the aforementioned natural hormones, especially dopamine, which stimulates the brain cells, leading to an enhanced mood and increased body movement. Normally, when a person is feeling pleasure, the dopamine is passed through the synapse (structure which passes signals between neurons and other cells) onto the next neuron, before it is re-stored so that it can be recycled. When a person takes speed, the dopamine release is much larger, which causes the dopamine to leak abnormally into the neuron and then spill into the synapse. The brain cells become flooded with dopamine, thus becoming overexcited. Speed blocks the dopamine transporters, which is what usually re-stores the dopamine for recycling, thus further increasing the dopamine levels.

Speed makes dopamine flood the brain’s receptors. This means when used over and over, the supply of dopamine within the brain is eventually exhausted. In addition to that, the blocking of the transporters and shrinking of the receptors due to flooding of dopamine means that each time you get high on speed, it can get harder. This then makes the drug increasingly addictive, as the brain will constantly seek that first high without ever getting it.

Dopamine is not only involved in pleasure and reward, but also movement, learning, memory and motivation. This is why someone who is on a high will not only feel an extreme sense of pleasure but will also feel excited and motivated to do more things. But with repeated use, as mentioned before, the dopamine supply is severely depleted. This makes it difficult

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for a user to feel pleasure at all, as well as decreasing their ability to think or remember, and it can also affect their movement.

Methamphetamine can act as a neurotoxin, as it can damage nerve terminals and even slowly kill neurons. The result of this can lead to memory problems, drug-induced psychosis and sexual dysfunction.

When sober or in the process of quitting speed, a meth user will commonly be left withdrawn and depressed. Using speed severely disrupts the brain’s reward system, leading to this loss of the feeling of pleasure. This is one common reason why a user keeps using speed, as it can seem like the only way they will feel pleasure.

While speed might seem like it only affects your brain, it also has an impact on your entire body. Speed can increase body temperature to dangerous levels, which can lead to increased heart and respiratory rates, as well as organ failure or brain damage. The toxic chemicals and acidity of speed can cause hair loss as well as rotted teeth. Meth also restricts the flow of blood within your body, leading to a delayed healing process which leads to open sores and greying skin. Because speed suppresses the appetite, users often become extremely thin. This leads to a loss of bone density and muscle.

So here’s your lesson for today, kids: don’t do speed.

A Day In The Life of a Supermarket Employee Michael MacKenzie

You’re going to be late. Your hands have gone numb from the cold, and it begins to rain.

“Fuck this,” you think.

4:00 The alarm is telling you to wake up. “Fuck this,” you think. You consider calling in sick. You think about what your boss will say. You think about the extra pressure it will put on your coworkers. You’ve already have three days off this month. You hit snooze.

7:32 or that he knows you didn’t take it intentionally.

The last delivery for the morning leaves the dock. You decide to take smoko. As you’re walking to the lunch room, your boss walks in.

“Morning, Michelle,” he says. He thinks this is a funny nickname. You don’t, but you’re too tired to care. He tells you that you filled the paperwork out wrong yesterday, so you fix up the errors while you’re supposed to be on your break. “Fuck this,” you think.

5:04 You’re late. You can see the trucks have already begun queuing in the loading dock.

You clock on, grab an overpriced energy drink from the vending machine, and throw on a high vis vest. You open the receival bay door, and the first delivery is from the overly enthusiastic Tip Top bread guy. “Good morning!” he yells at you. “No, it fucking isn’t,” you think. “Yeah, it’s not bad,” you say.

4:10 The alarm is telling you to wake up again.

“Fuck this,” you think. You look at the clock on the bedside table and decide you still have time to masturbate.

8:02 The front doors open two minutes late, and the customers are furious. An old woman tells you, “It’s a joke.” “I know, it’s terrible, isn’t it?” you appease her. You wonder how her life sunk so far that she needs to be in the supermarket at exactly 8:00 every morning.

You hope that you never get old. Two of the checkout staff have called in sick, so they put you on the checkouts. “It’s just for a minute,” they tell you.

5:31

4:11

The grocery load arrives. You have to fit thirteen pallets and twenty-eight roll cages into a space designed to fit ten pallets and fifteen roll cages. The driver eats a pie while you unload the semi-trailer by yourself.

9:08

You finish, and wipe yourself with the sheets.

You force yourself to get out of bed, and convince yourself the day “only gets easier from here.” You brush your teeth and get dressed. You can’t find your name badge, but you don’t have time to look for it. You check for wallet, phone, and keys, and you get in your car. You remember you forgot to fill it up yesterday, and so you take the motorbike. It’s four degrees, but you have no other choice.

5:55

You’re still on the checkout. A man complains to the manager that you put the dairy free ice cream in the same plastic bag as the normal ice cream. The manager insists you watch the training video again. You’ve watched it three times. Everybody has.

You finish bringing in the load, and go to sign the paperwork. There’s no pen. “Why is there no fucking pen?” you wonder. The driver lends you a pen, and you sign eight different pieces of paper. You forget to give the pen back. You hope he forgets by the next time he sees you,

9:48

4:32

You get off the checkout and go to lunch.

You sit down to eat a packet of two-minute noodles and read some of the novel you’ve been meaning to catch up on, but a loud

There is only one other car on the road, and it happens to be in front of you, doing twenty kilometres an hour less than the speed limit.

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coworker walks in and sits down at the table.

She decides that you need to know everything about her holiday in Bali. You listen politely, looking into your book at every pause. She doesn’t take the hint, and it becomes apparent that this is going to continue for the entire duration of your lunch break. You close your book and shovel noodles into your mouth. You didn’t let them cool down enough, and they burn your tongue. “Fuck this,” you think.

12:34 Three high school students are hanging around the lolly aisle. You know they’re going to steal something. You can only tell because of the four managers who are watching them from the next aisle over. They act like it’s an espionage mission, peering through the shelving. You figure it’s because they’re middle-management at a supermarket, and this is the only excitement they’ll get this month.

10:21

14:07

A customer drops an entire jar of olives on the floor. “Could I please get grocery to aisle six with Cleaning Equipment B,” says a voice over the PA. You wonder why they can’t just call it a mop and bucket. You go to clean up the mess, and another customer has slipped on an olive and landed on the floor. Company policy requires that you don’t apologise in the case of an accident or injury, but you do anyway, because you’re a half-decent human being.

You were supposed to go home seven minutes ago. You’re showing a customer where the eggs are for the sixteenth time today. You’ve been counting.

She stands in a meadow watching the men approach, a heaped wagon in tow. She is ten.

Each man walks with bowed head and grim face; eyes downcast.

None call her name; she cannot see his face.

Now, he is one among many; a mountain of bodies to be buried by children left behind.

There are no pipes, drums, or golden words; just frozen features, adorned with blood, and heaped with dirt.

“why falun gong is the missing piece of the puzzle” 14:21 You’re finally able to clock off. You know they won’t pay you for the extra twenty-one minutes if you don’t write it down, but you just want to get home. You enter your eight digit code without looking.

12:03 You’ve cleaned up the mess and helped the customer fill out a six-page incident report.

You realise you need a coffee, and so you go to the lunchroom. Somebody’s used the last of the coffee and hasn’t replaced it. You try not to get angry about it; you’re going home in a couple of hours anyway. You go into the staff bathrooms. Somebody’s used the last of the toilet paper too. Just a few more hours.

Your boss gives you a written warning for not wearing your name badge. “It’s all about presentation,” he says. You want to jam his own name badge up his ass. But you don’t.

Matt Vassiliou

He left; eyes bright, astride white stallion, braided head raised towards clouds, great sword held aloft.

Katy Perry’s “Hot ‘n’ Cold” plays over the PA for the sixth time. You recite the words in your head, and begin to hate yourself for it.

11:04

under the setting sun

14:36 14:36 - It’s taken you another fifteen minutes to leave the store, due to another two customers asking you to show them where the eggs are.

As you walk through the front doors, your boss shouts, “See you tomorrow, Michelle.”

“Fuck this,” you think.

sarah wood Puzzle gong gone muzzled falun falling flailing ailing liniments imminent danger upon a time swaddled rhyme breath sing song shrieking gong gone wrong wrenching tumbling through paths along across down drains fearful streets rivers rushing trickling bleeding reading words screaming gashes breathe ink staining weeping fingerprints on maps and wet paint doors floors carpets stairs flowing into cloying pools in locker rooms over rubbish bins sick cheese threats stale bread smashed under shoes dirty walking scuffed conviction sad steps bruised papers students printers roaring chillies needling eyes burning no breath no wilting prayers blisters moth touch gasp burst cane raw orange flowers but not black dandelions or wines or cries fires beaten grasses dry hoses in icy summer flattened crops guttering floods mood crude insults pliant hands grasp fiction truths ruthless honesty lies falling faith calling news events knowledge speakers corner yelling gasping aching throbbing head smash gong gone choking falling calling down and silence Where has falun gone?

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movie REVIEWs irresistible. Bateman is no slacker either. His dry, piercing wit is a subtle undercurrent to McCarthy’s boisterous nature as a man who is trying to keep calm, even though his world is aflame. The growing bond between the two characters is seamless, like a match heaven sent, as the two personalities bounce off each to crescendo into a vibrant hurricane that seems to resound even as the credits roll.

identity thief

reviewED by matt vassiliou The room was dark as we crept in, with only the vague silhouettes of people contorting themselves into cinema seats visible in the gloom. Our voices were hushed as we crept by, eyes peeled for two empty seats. “This would have been so much easier if someone hadn’t forgotten the tickets,” hissed my friend, her sarcastic tones stabbing into my back. It was true; I’d forgotten the tickets...to a free movie. Nevertheless, we persevered; synchronising watches in seconds lost, commando-rolling behind underpaid teenage ushers, and deciphering convoluted hand signals. We finally reached our second-row seats after wading through a sea of unwashed legs. The seats were hard, crude contraptions, and the flimsy cushion did nothing for my posterior. Ignoring the piercing glares of the cinema crowd, we helped ourselves to the complimentary popcorn that our neighbours had brought, and craned our necks to see the towering screen. I was optimistic. I had to my surprise - loved Horrible Bosses, so I was expecting a similar experience. After yet another confusing-as-hell Tom Cruise trailer, the movie began.

Bright colours flashed in my vision, and my eyes were greeted with an office setting in which Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) gives his name, date of birth and social security number to a woman who claims to be from a security company (it was at this point I realised that he wasn’t particularly bright). The woman turns out to be Diana (Melissa McCarthy), who then takes these details, prints off some fake IDs and credit cards, and then proceeds to raise hell. I was unfamiliar with McCarthy, and so I was worried that her character would be overdone for the movie (much like those of Adam Sandler) - that jokes would be forced, and I would ultimately hate the whole film.

Didn’t happen.

McCarthy is an explosion of energy and enthusiasm that unleashes itself upon the film.

I found myself in hysterics at the sight of her heart-stopping renditions of Kelis’ ‘Milkshake’ and Heart’s ‘Barracuda’, her racist one-liners, and her unusual and soul-scarring sex scene.

Revealing a softer side, McCarthy also creates a blend of control and vulnerability, and Diana becomes a deeply scarred villain, but one whose roguish nature makes her charms

her role as she played against type, eschewing her ‘blonde bimbo’ image to play an unkempt charity worker. Merchant is superb as always and shines in his scenes.

I Give it a Year might not be for everyone, but it’s an enjoyable romp and easily watched.

As we left the cinema (amidst disapproving glances and the occasional confectionary missile) I couldn’t help but feel a sense of disappointment. Over the last two hours, I had met a quirky and exciting pair who had taken me along for a wild ride, but now were leaving me behind. Not to worry; they’ll probably make a sequel.

pauline detective

reviewED by caitlin goddard

i give it a year

reviewED by jessica mcgovern I Give it a Year is the new romantic comedy from British director Dan Mazer that topped the Australian box office charts in its opening weekend.

Nat (Rose Byrne) and Josh (Rafe Spall) are a newly-wed couple, but their friends, family and celebrant don’t think the relationship will last.

Nat is an ambitious go-getter, whereas Josh is a laid back novelist. Shortly after their nuptials, both partners are tempted by other people: Josh by an old flame (Anna Faris) and Nat by a new client at her work (Simon Baker).

The film is a light-hearted but cynical take on the romance genre as our protagonists struggle to live ‘happily ever after’ like expected. Characters dismiss marriage as a trap and in the same breath laude the values of love and commitment. We also see a mixture of dysfunctional relationships and seemingly happy ones.

Though overall, the emphasis is on the comedy rather than the romance - a strong suit of the movie. With comic greats such as Steven Merchant present, there are many laughs to be had. The humour is definitely British in tone and there are many moments where the audience will cringe at the situations the characters find themselves in.

The cast includes quite a few big names and there are solid performances all-round.

Byrne seems to be all over our screens at the moment and I Give it a Year is proof of her charisma. Faris is particularly interesting in GROK #2 2013

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After winning a double pass to the Alliance French Film Festival courtesy of the Art Gallery of Western Australia, I was itching to see what the festival had to offer. I was a bit of a foreign film rookie so it was with a slight amount of trepidation and excitement I perused the program to see what would appeal. As soon as I saw the title of Pauline Detective I knew I had a winner. As a Hitchcock fan any movie involving mystery and deceit immediately appeals.

The movie itself begins with the main character, Pauline, talking through her problems in a therapist’s office. From there on in, everything is somewhat predictable. After eagerly discussing how happy she is in life, she leaves the office and is immediately left heartbroken after being dumped by her boyfriend. Her sympathetic yet high-maintenance soap star sister and brother-in-law whisk her away to the south of Italy to mend her heartbreak, forcing her away from the detective scandal magazine she runs.

Whilst driving to the hotel she learns that there is a serial killer on the loose. Her interest is immediately piqued despite her sister’s best attempts to quash it. Once at the hotel Pauline encounters a crazy old rich lady who takes an unnatural interest in her private life and who later ends up dead. She also encounters a rather rotund couple who are interested in the swish hotel only because of the food on offer, discovers the sleazy hotel manager is having an affair with the receptionist, and falls in love with the hot Italian swimming instructor but not before a few bumps along the way.

Overall I liked the movie. The murder mystery template, when teamed with the fun and lovable characters, beautiful scenery, and the film’s bright colour palette is fresh and interesting. The rocking soundtrack, including Style Council’s ‘Shout to the Top’ makes up for the fact that the movie is in French (I honestly couldn’t understand a word).

movie REVIEWs fucking brilliant. It captures the imagination, inspired my (and no doubt many other younguns’) love for science, and even today still poses some very relevant moral questions on genetic engineering and gene manipulation.

As posed by ‘chaotician’ Dr. Ian Malcolm in the film, “Scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

jurassic park 3d reviewED by radhika kayarat Before we begin, may I just ask: if you don’t like dinosaurs then please, with all due respect, get the fuck out.

Besides all the intellectual discussions and ‘man-playing-god’ arguments that can be had around the storyline, Jurassic Park 3D is basically just an all-round pimpin’ movie with undeniable universal appeal (unless you’re a pussy, in which case maybe you should go watch Oz the Great and Powerful instead).

much more realistic way. The audience ends up feeling like they’re walking right beside Matt, going through his motions, cringing and cursing as he stumbles into things while he’s sleeping, and deals with life’s hilarities while he’s awake.

Life isn’t a movie, but somehow Sleepwalk With Me comes as close to life as a movie can.

This quirky tale makes us realize that life can be hard, even humorously tragic at times, but that’s just the way it is. There’s rarely a “happy” ending, but just like Matt, we usually end up in a marginally better place.

Now that that’s out of the way (hopefully most of you are still here because let’s face it, who doesn’t like dinosaurs?) we can get straight into exactly how badass Jurassic Park 3D is (the answer is ‘extremely badass’ if you haven’t already guessed).

I’m not actually a massive fan of 3D movies; the glasses are a pain and make my eyes all weird and tingly, but when I heard that Jurassic Park was going to be released in 3D early last year, I actually set up a countdown timer on my iPhone. Jurassic Park is the very first movie I remember watching; it had quite an impact on me because I wanted to be a palaeontologist until I was about 15. Saying I’m a massive dinosaur fan is a bit of an understatement: my celebratory end of exams ritual for the last few years has been watching the Jurassic Park trilogy (even though the second one is pretty shit); I have a dinosaur onesie, several dino stuffed toys, and have glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers on my ceiling; and I will admit there were a few happy tears when I saw the London Museum of Natural History’s life-sized animatronic T-rex. There is just something so enchantingly beautiful about the prehistoric fellas even if they are fucking terrifying - two aspects Jurassic Park captures so perfectly, and the reason audiences young and old keep coming back 20 years after its release.

It’s hard to believe it’s been two decades since this iconic masterpiece first hit the screens. I’m no expert but the special effects are just great and 3D simply makes them that much better.

I know that’s the whole point of 3D movies but it’s like they were actually coming right at me! Call me simple, but it was just so realistic.

Kudos to all the kiddies in the theatre (and there were a fair few), because my best friend and I were shitting our pants. I’ve probably seen it about 25 times but Velociraptors still make me jump out of my skin - I even found myself hiding under my jacket during the kitchen scene. I am 20, holla.

With the perfect balance of cheesy humour, legitimately thought provoking dialogue and, of course, dinosaurs, Jurassic Park is what most modern 3D sci-fi movies try and fail to be:

rust and bone sleepwalk with me Reviewed by naomi faye One of the most comforting things we can do in life is make fun of ourselves. Somehow, by laughing at less-than-desirable situations, life is more bearable. Sleepwalk With Me understands this completely, and delivers a story that has you chuckling under your breathe at the relatable laughs. Comedian Mike Birbiglia tells the story of a struggling stand-up comedian who is asking life’s most common questions while dealing with a sleep behavior disorder.

“I’ll tell you a story and it’s true,” says Matt as he faces the camera. Right from the first shot, Mike Birbiglia connects with the audience, and take us with him as he makes sense of his many shortfalls. Working in a bar, with aspirations to be a full-time comedian, Matt’s wacky family tends to hinder his self-esteem without even trying. Long-term girlfriend Abby, played by actress Lauren Ambrose, wants to settle down and starts to put pressure on Matt regarding their future. Matt begins to feel anxious, which manifests into a serious sleepwalking problem, getting him into dangerous situations. Ironically, as his illness worsens, his conflicted relationship inspires him to update his comedic repertoire with jokes about his own life, landing him gigs around the country.

Most of us love a “tragic” character; one of those loveable “losers” we like to pity, and many movies rely on this narrative trope to present a predictable comedy. Sleepwalk With Me could have easily followed suit, yet Matt, an extremely relatable character, comes forth in a GROK #2 2013

35 reviews

REVIEWED BY cassie rees French director Jacques Audiard delivers astonishing beauty in this multi-layered, unique film surrounding a stark romance risen from dire circumstances. Academy Award winner Marion Cotillard plays Stéphanie, a killer whale trainer who is confined to a wheelchair after falling victim to a tragic accident. As expected, her performance is flawless as her character struggles with her condition and attempts to find a new lease on life. Matthias Schoenaerts plays Ali, a destitute, unlikeable character who seeks refuge in Antibes with his sister after reuniting with his estranged five year old son, Sam. Their paths cross at a seedy nightclub where Ali begins work as a bodyguard, and picks her up from a bloody fight.

This is not your typical boy-meets-girl, happily-ever-after kind of film, although the trailers may lead you to believe so. Instead, the story focuses on haunted characters in bleak and often awful conditions, while eliciting almost no pity from the audience.

For example, the sheer shock of Stéphanie’s accident never wavers throughout the film, and yet the story is somehow so convincing that the audience simply runs along with it. Rust and Bone is a slow-moving film, garnished by the use of inspired cinematography and a solid, believable script, creating a focussed, physical film that stays with you long after the credits roll. The mutual vulnerability of the main characters is delivered through intimate, dedicated performances and mind-blowing special effects that only the French could pull off. A beautiful film recommended for film geeks and romance-lovers alike.

ALBUM REVIEWS limits?” His question, apparently rhetorical, is answered immediately: “I don’t know none.”

And then guitarist Tim Sult explodes out of the gate with eleven tracks of huge, blues-laden hard rock riffs accompanied by absolute ballsto-the-wall drumming from Jean-Paul Gaster.

This is Clutch, exactly as you know them. Only faster. And louder. And better.

Hoodie allen - crew cuts REVIEWED BY ashley westwood Hoodie Allen is back spitting fire on his latest full-length mixtape and as always, the 24-yearold Long Islander delivers. Crew Cuts packs a punch so powerful you’d only expect it from a fully-fledged album from some rap Illuminati. It’s crammed full of flow, rhyme and unbelievable swagger but the fact that Hoodie has made the entire release completely free really seals the deal.

In no way has Hoodie created a carbon copy of his previous release, 2012’s All American, which gave him much needed traction in the underground hip-hop scene. Crew Cuts shows off an older, more developed Hoodie, bursting with the witty verses and slick hooks that really show of his character and how far he’s grown since the days of sampling Florence + The Machine and Marina & The Diamonds back in 2010.

Like All American, Crew Cuts is an authentic Hoodie project: no samples, just true, old school original production and these things really help define the experience. The mixtape features outstanding talent from the likes of Chiddy Bang, Chance the Rapper and Skizzy Mars. Check out ‘Cake Boy,’ ‘Good Intentions’ and ‘Two Lips’; all are strikingly powerful songs.

CC isn’t without its flaws, though: it get slightly bogged down with ‘Reunion’ and ‘Wave Goodbye’, but this is forgivable since you’re giving nothing but bandwidth in return for 30-or-so minutes of independent hip-hop brilliance, and this isn’t even his full release for this year - expect an full-length album in the Spring.

Can anything stop this guy?

clutch - earth rocker REVIEWED BY scott donaldson Neil Fallon opens the tenth Clutch album by asking us, in his usual bark, “What’s this about

Gone are the staccato rhythm guitars from previous effort Strange Cousins from the West and the organ-driven epics of From Beale Street to Oblivion and Robot Hive/ Exodus - Earth Rocker is made up of galloping drums, nonstop in-your-face riffery and some of the greatest chorus hooks Fallon has ever unleashed. Everything slows down a wee bit in central track ‘Gone Cold,’ in which the band attempts to recreate some of the catchy acoustic bits found in Clutch classics ‘The Regulator’ and ‘Gravel Road.’ It’s definitely a lull in the otherwise stoner-riffic rock adventure, but it’s still solid by the band’s standards and gives the listener a break from all the, y’know, eardrum destruction.

Ten albums in, Clutch are still giving it their all.

There is more energy here than in your average rock debut, showing that there truly are no limits for the twenty-three-year strong bearded middle-agers.

daughter - if you leave REVIEWED BY Naomi Faye After Daughter’s hauntingly beautiful EP releases over the last few years, the London folk band have finally released their debut album, If You Leave. The catchy and emotive single, ‘Youth,’ from their EP The Wild Youth release is thankfully included, and demonstrates their early appeal. ‘Smother’ showcases Daughter’s main draw card: the deep, mature, expressive vocals of Elena Tonra, who seems wise beyond her years. The song builds and extends, ending with the words, “I’m sorry if I smothered you.”

Beautiful and thought provoking lyrics are present in every one of Daughter’s recordings, and Tonra is capable of delivering them with a vast amount of feeling in her voice. Recent additions in guitarist Igor Haefeli and drummer Remi Aguilella have extended Daughter’s fullness and musical effect. The 2011 selfreleased EP His Young Heart still offers more than the new album in some ways, though - If you Leave may have been slightly over produced, losing some of the sensitivity found in Daughter’s early releases.

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rhye - woman REVIEWED BY athina mallis Woman is the debut album from Canadian instrumentalist Mike Milosh and Danish music producer Robin Hannibal, together known as Rhye. They’ve been making music for a year or so as unidentified silhouettes on the Internet. It seems as if lately chilled out music about love and loss is the new trend for artists, and Rhye is fitting in well with the trend with music like The xx and a voice like the smooth operator herself, Sade - even though the vocalist is male. If you ever want a somber, quiet album to cry to, sleep to, or listen to when your head is throbbing after a heavy night of booze, this is definitely the album you need.

Frightened rabbit - Pedestrian verse REVIEWED BY naomi faye With their raw, grinding intensity, Frightened Rabbit can make even the blackest hearts feel. Always one to delve into his most painful experiences and failed relationships, lead songwriter Scott Hutchison has never struggled with being honest. Pedestrian Verse, the fourth album from the Scottish indie rock band, definitely hasn’t lost any of this sincerity.

This time though, the band presents more of a confronting picture of a man, rather than the heart broken, limping shell we have grown to love in previous songs. The first track, ‘Acts of Man’ demonstrates this with the opening line, “I am that dickhead in the kitchen. Giving wine to your best girl’s glass.” And with a faster pace than previous albums, Pedestrian Verse sees the band really shifting gears. With multiple layers and a more polished sound, Frightened Rabbit present songs that end up grander than past efforts. ‘The Woodpile’ is a standout, offering their customary sensuous verses and gritty, melodic choruses. Giving fans more of what they know and love whilst also evidencing musical maturity, it will be surprising if this album disappoints.

GIG REVIEW

birds of tokyo fremantle arts centre, mar 8 2013 REVIEWED BY ashley westwood Perth-bred alternative rockers Birds of Tokyo have never been a band to do anything by halves, and their latest WA gig was no exception. The five-piece have enjoyed varying mainstream success since their debut album dropped back in 2007, with a string of Hottest 100 hits such as ‘Broken Bones’, ‘Silhouettic’ and ‘Plans.’ This latest concert celebrated their most recent album March Fires, released on March 1st - just a week before they hit the Fremantle stage.

The night opened with a top performance from local rockers Stillwater Giants with their wistful melodies infused with thunderous rock drawing a large crowd as the guests filtered in. They were followed up by The Love Junkies, a three-piece with some very catchy lyrics and lots of serious guitar crunching.

Both bands did a superb job of getting a

restless 3000-strong crowd geared up for the headlining act.

After a short break, everything went dark, the smoke machines started up, and an ominous blue glow began to emanate from somewhere at the back of the stage. Birds of Tokyo had begun their act. As the guitars fired up, the bassline started pumping and the drums kicked in, the crowd surged forward towards the retaining barrier, hoping to get a glimpse of their heroes. First up were some of the more gig-friendly tunes from March Fires - highlights included the soft-rock atmospheric ‘Liquid Arms,’ an upbeat ‘This Fire’ and ‘Lanterns.’

All time fan-favorites, ‘Wild at Heart,’ ‘The Saddest Thing I Know’ and ‘Plans’ also made well-received appearances.

Although never finding a real connection with the Birds of Tokyo’s studio releases, I was sold on the live show. These guys, seriously, they make real music: wonderful, dirty, powerful music where every fibre of their

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soul is poured into creating this astonishing blend of brilliance. No Auto Tune, no Skrillexesque MacBook-molested beats, just pure unadulterated music.

Ian Kenny has to be one of the most talented singers I have ever come across; even Simon Cowell couldn’t criticise the man. Both lead and bass guitarists Adam Spark and Ian Berney have some unbelievable talent and great showmanship to boot. And drummer Adam Weston and keyboardist Glenn Sarangapany, the true foundations of the group, put on a solid performance.

I really understand why the event had such a turnout - when live, regardless of whether you’re a fan or not, Birds of Tokyo will entertain you with some of the best live music ever to grace your ears.

GAME REVIEWS Sim city PC REVIEWED BY Jon Solmundson I’m really torn. SimCity is on one hand a masterpiece of approachable, social game design but on the other it’s a technically broken, currently unplayable mess.

The technical issues arise from the necessity to be constantly connected to EA’s servers while playing. This is fine provided you have a decent internet connection (which is not guaranteed in Australia) and that EA’s servers are actually operational. Unfortunately - even weeks after release - that can’t be guaranteed.

This means the ability to save your last couple of hours progress also can’t be guaranteed. Or that your city will exist at all when you log in tomorrow.

I’d love to say all of the problems are technical, but it gets worse. Your city’s inhabitants do not perform jobs or occupy houses with any rhyme or reason. They stay at the first free room they find on their way home from work, with no ownership over a particular house.

Similarly, they will occupy the first job they find open with no concern for what they were doing yesterday. You hardly notice until you try to build a sewage treatment plant on the edge of town (because who wants to live next to that?) and literally no-one shows up to work there, so your town just pollutes itself into bacterial epidemic.

Then there’s the traffic. Someone at Maxis feels the need to push a public transport agenda, because the only solution to gridlocked cities is funding a small armada of inner city shuttle buses. Your choice is either to pay huge amounts to sustain that armada or have no emergency services, because they simply can’t navigate around traffic. Fires, crime and disease run rampant because a few Sims can’t make the effort to cycle to work.

But there is a diamond in the rough. Maxis crafts world simulations like no other, and it really shows here. Pedestrians seethe through the arterial streets of a dense metropolis, and traffic burdened highways crisscross through the busiest parts of town. Uptowns rise away from ghettos, creating a stark classist economy. But at night everything lights up like a Christmas tree, and no one is alone in the thick glow of your personal utopia. If nothing else, SimCity is a joy to watch.

The multiplayer is also inspired design. Maps contain up to 16 cities, with each supporting an individual player. Nearby cities prosper greatly from trade and sharing of services. If you have too many workers, neighbours can create more jobs to accommodate. If you have too much crime, neighbours can send some police to help. If you’re digging up tons of coal but don’t have the space to smelt it, a neighbour can pop down a processing plant and make more money for both of you.

Yet as wellintentioned as this plan may have been, you can’t count on anyone to be online. You can’t even count on people to stick around if they aren’t your friends. If you start a game with randoms, half of them might leave after the first few hours. You’re then stuck with a bunch of half-finished cities taking up valuable space.

And space is in short enough supply already.

Once you’ve got a grasp on the mechanics it takes about four hours to completely fill a city. It does provide a challenge - to build an efficient city in such a small area requires a strong single focus and good trade negotiations - but it changes what SimCity was. This new SimCity is far less of an open ended, urban planning simulator and more a game of economics. Some will like the change, others may not.

SimCity is an awkward step in the right direction. The social features are interesting, but the game leans on them a little too heavily.

Otherwise it looks great and the gameplay has undergone some very smart streamlining to bring you the most welcoming SimCity yet.

That’s the saddest part - SimCity may be a great game in future, but at present it’s far too fundamentally broken to be worth playing.

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Bioshock infinite Xbox 360, PS3, PC REVIEWED BY Connor White The year is 1912. Booker DeWitt is an American who owes money to the wrong people, purportedly through gambling debts. In order to “wipe away the debt,” Booker is to rescue a mysterious girl named Elizabeth from the skyward city of Columbia, a secessionist city under the religious rule of Father Comstock.

Once again, the greatest strength of Bioshock is the world the action takes place in. Set in the early 20th century, Columbia is built around singular colour palettes that really stand out. There’s also a sheen of gloss on the characters and world that makes the action pop. If Dishonored was more idealistic in tone, it would probably look like this.

Infinite is a lot more linear than its predecessors. Each environment is fairly open, but there’s little in the way of backtracking or exploring optional side missions - meaning few mechanics have been adjusted to compensate. In line with a lot of other modern shooters, you have a regenerating shield, but can only carry two guns. This redesign actually fits with the new pacing, as you don’t have to micromanage equipment as you run through the city.

Combat is chaotic and fast-paced. Your shield provides only mild protection, but your pool of health is generally adequate, thereby nudging you into the action. Limited ammo pools and salt (fuel for superpower-like Vigors) pick-ups encourage you to go on the offensive and mix up your tactics as proceedings go on, and the new ability to travel along skyline rails really pumps up the action. This new take for the series feels cohesive and complete - involving, but not too demanding. It accommodates a range of play styles and loadouts without ever restricting you or stating via the level design that a particular loadout is more suitable than

GAME REVIEWS others, which breathes a lot of life into the battles.

Your companion Elizabeth can also lend a hand during battles. She can summon inter-dimensional tears mid-battle, calling new allies and objects into the environment.

This mechanic could have been intrusive, but is actually integrated rather well, as summoning new objects is quick, easy and melds with the established framework.

Elizabeth can also scrounge the environment for ammo, health, salt, and money to toss to you at opportune times. This was a little intrusive, as it seemed like she had money to give during each segment of downtime, but it lends her character enough of a connection to Booker to make things even out.

lego city undercover wii u REVIEWED BY Connor White Chase McCain, having taken an extended vacation/period of unemployment after arresting super criminal Rex Fury, is beckoned back to Lego City after Fury escapes and causes a massive crime wave. To accomplish this, he’ll have to go u n d e r c o v e r, infiltrating the lower gangs to work his way up the criminal food chain.

What makes Infinite really stand out amongst its peers in gameplay, however, is its pacing.

Following the classic video game storytelling formula well, Infinite balances high octane action with plot downtime on small scales exceedingly well. Each fight, big or small, is punctuated with some exploration, scavenging, or world building, and each of these is moderate enough to be fulfilling but non-intrusive. It kept me interested throughout most of the adventure without fail.

Undercover seeks to c o m p e t e against other popular open world games.

Obviously, the subject matter, difficulty and the like are going to be very different given the age group, but there are still fair comparisons to be made.

Without giving too much away, the plot gets as involved and demanding as that immortal plot twist from the first game. When this generation closes, I have no doubt that people will point to Infinite’s ending as one of its more memorable moments.

First off, there’s the world itself. Lego City is actually pretty well designed. Much like in Sleeping Dogs, it’s small enough to be compact and learnable, but large enough to pack in lots of surprises and secrets. However, a broader look at the map reveals that it’s set in a circular pattern with a big blank splodge in the middle. It makes the city feel really segmented and fractured.

Infinite is still some ways behind its big brother, but compared to its contemporaries, there’s no contest. Cynics in the gaming community should pay attention, as Infinite feels as refreshing and as revitalising as it should. The askew long-term pacing and slightly less interesting world are mild disappointments, but otherwise, it stands out on its own. Would you ki-Oh, just buy it.

The car controls also seemed to take a while to get used to. In early stages, they had no grip, and would oversteer and skid each time I tried to turn. This seemed to stop happening later on. Whether that was me or the game, I don’t know, but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Driving also doesn’t have that sense of speed or flow that the likes of Saints Row, or even The Simpsons Hit & Run had all those years ago. Copters and boats fare even worse, making street races altogether pretty unenjoyable.

Elsewhere, Undercover is comprised of the on-foot gameplay we’ve come to know from Traveller’s Tales. The focus is on environmental puzzle solving and platforming, with different characters (or disguises in this case) granting different abilities to open certain doors or perform different puzzle-solving actions. For example, the police disguise gets a grappling hook, while the robber gets a crowbar for breaking into places.

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This gameplay style is weathered in general, but it fares less well than that of the other Lego games. There’s nothing challenging or engaging in the main missions, as you have to perform rote actions to accomplish rather mundane tasks, and new abilities are unlocked far too slowly to compensate.

Exploring Lego City and uncovering secrets

is really fun when you’ve unlocked a decent amount of abilities, as you can see some good sights and some of the platforming remains fun. Collecting secrets in general feels rewarding and refreshing, and there are a lot to get, but it feels a little superfluous.

That’s the one core problem with Undercover: with so much to collect, the game just doesn’t move fast enough.

The only part of this game that does not move slowly is the humour. Undercover is a generally funny game, but it also take a shotgun approach. The result is very Robot Chicken, in that for every two good jokes, there’s about one that falls flat. A lot of hidden audio caches have clever pun-based jokes, but trying to rip off The Shawshank Redemption or The Matrix verbatim feels fruitless.

Lego City Undercover tries to take existing concepts and slim them down for an expanded audience, but too much is lost or drawn out as a result. A cracking script and moments of bliss in freedom can’t hide an ultimately mundane title, which is what the colourful Lego product should never be.

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Shop Now ^ Dell Coupon Terms and Conditions apply and are available at Dell.com.au/spp. Trademarks: XPS is trademark of Dell Inc. Intel, the Intel Logo, Intel Inside, Intel Core, Ultrabook, and Core Inside are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S. and/or other countries. Copyright: © 2013 Dell Inc. All rights reserved.

Big weekend.

Pulled an all nighter.

Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get into it.

Whatever the deal is, nothing can kick-start your day like the full flavour and irresistible aroma of a SuperBarista Coffee by Braziliano.

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