Athenian Issue 85 by The Athenian

Barnabas Brennan Adithi Iyengar

The Fancy Issue: Table of contents Fancy ads- 2 Table of contents - 3 22nd Amendment - 3 News for the one percent - 4 Unprecendented study - 4 Life is hard - 5 Tuxedo venn diagram - 6 Denny’s changes - 7 Children learn cursive is not used - 7 Donor Penis Size competition - 8 CaseCash offshore bank accounts - 8

Fancy CWRU things - 9 New campus transportation - 10 Fancy Urban Dictionary - 10 Thanksgiving as a college student - 11 Athenian Student Spotlight - 12 Prestigious ivy - 13 Skype interview - 13 New Res Hall - 14 Columbus discovery - 14 Seduction - 15 Bon Appétit menu - 16

Americans proudly defend 22nd Amendment Tejas Joshi ica’s First Freedom” and “WWJD: What would Jefferson Do?” The event was organized by the NRA— the National Re-election Association—a nonprofit group which has informed its members about term-related bills and directly lobbied for limiting legislation since its inception in 1950. Rachel Luntz, spokesperson for the NRA, commented on their closest call: “When we heard that old Dick [President Nixon] was considering a third term, we furiously scrambled to fight back. Despite our wild grass-roots campaign and over $300 million in super PAC contributions for pro-term legislation, I think it was only a lucky break that prevented us from tragedy. If two of our interns hadn’t discovered that Richard’s staff

WASHINGTON, D.C.—This November, Americans from all around the country gathered at the National Mall to commemorate 65 years of successfully defending the 22nd Amendment. Supporters reaffirmed their commitment to the important pi---ece of legislation which set a term limit for election and total time of service on the office of the President of the United States. Several watchdog groups praised the pro-limit supporters’ perfect record (no president has served three terms) since the Amendment’s ratification in 1951, noting that they’ve had a perfect record. The revelers snacked on complimentary ‘freedom’ fries and a giant cake shaped like the bill while handing out t-shirts with slogans such as “The 22nd Amendment is Amer-

had broken into the DNC, well, I shudder to think of what our country could have become.” As President Obama completes his second term in January 2017, pro-limit supporters are prepared once again. Luntz explained “We’ve forced our presidents from Eisenhower to Reagan to Bush to curtail their ambitions after two terms, and we are going to continue defending the Constitution.” She also praised the continued aid of previous presidents, stating that “The best way to stop a tyrant without term limits is a good guy with a term limit.” Several prominent members of the NRA include Rand Paul, Wayne LaPierre and Barbara Snyder. 3

News for the one percent “The World” project shows that hard work and perseverance pays off Caleb Diaz The 2008 financial crisis was one of the worst economic recessions in history. Something like 99 percent of the world was crippled, but the one percent survived and thrived. Now, they are resuming a project: an archipelago known as The World. Designed to model the landmasses of planet Earth, this project’s initiation cost 15 billion U.S. dollars. “2008 was a bit of a setback because we had to deal with all the whiny peasants,” said Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum of Nakheel Properties, who spearheaded the project. “But the leaders of this world stood together and avoided this problem yet again.” Artificial land development finished in 2010. The World will consist of resorts, hotels and private mansions. Each island will be responsible for its own utilities and resources, but Nakheel Properties knows that this will not be an issue. A statement on the project’s website reads, “The World serves as a reminder to the rest of the planet that this is a dream realized solely by hard

work and perseverance.” The wealthy across the globe were immediately interested. At a tech conference in Silicon Valley, Larry Ellison was quoted saying, “I would invest in one of those islands, but hell, I already bought that one island in Hawaii. And do you realize how much money it costs to maintain this mustache?” Nearby, venture capitalist Peter Thiel was telling intrigued college students about his motivation behind buying an island in The World. “Here’s what I’m saying: college is absolutely useless if you’ve got a good idea. I’ll pay you $100,000 to go live in The World, foster this idea, and come back to make the world a better place.” Other members of the one percent were said to have some involvement with The World development, but for various reasons they did not invest in the project. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were reported having interest in the island called Ethiopia. Upon hearing that it was not the African country, they pulled out.

Hillary Clinton was about to use lobbyist funds to join the project, but thought better of it. A recently released email indicates that she hired someone to permanently delete her emails, in attempt to hide her attempt to rejoin the elite. The World looks like a promising and creative endeavor for the wealthy. They have the money to make this project an outstanding human achievement. It certainly demonstrates the one percent’s resilience despite facing harsh backlash in 2008.

News for the 99 percent Water crisis in California threatens food supply “Kafala” law in Qatar makes slave-labor virtually legal Dunkin’ Donuts to buy out neighborhood bakeries

Unprecedented study reveals that people who listen to country music don’t know what “unprecedented” means Staff Reporter

that people who listen to country music possessed no knowledge of the meaning of the word “unprecedented.” The reasoning behind this remains unclear, although some researchers are attributing this lack of knowledge to the fact that “unprecedented” is not a synonym for “gonna,” “truck” or “cruise.”

CLEVELAND, OH—Inspired by a recent study showing Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar out of any other voting group, a study was recently conducted to further understand more about this and similar demographics. This groundbreaking study revealed

The executors of this study decided that political correctness was overrated. Funding for this study was provided by Social Darwinists for America. Other illuminating studies funded by this organization have shown that people who wear shutter shades don’t know what illuminating means.

“Life is hard.”

Socialite shocked by realities of college life Steve Kerby “slow” 10 gigabyte per second internet, while yet another griped about the lack of chauffeur service around campus. “I mean, I could take the bus, but the buses don’t have TV’s inside them… Uh, don’t get me started about TV’s.” Despite our best effort, Blair quickly got started about TVs, noting that the residence hall TV’s are “only 36 inches in span, and don’t have surround sound system. The drama of ‘Downton Abbey’ is ruined!” Blair is convinced that the food available around campus is a significant step down from the food “chez moi,” enough so to warrant its own separate complaint list. “For one, you actually have to go and get your own food, and they don’t have my personal favor-

ite, double-pumpkin spiced latte with crème. It’s outrageous,” she complained. Furthermore, the self-serve method of Fribley and Leutner dining halls “completely ruins the culture of artfully small serving sizes that any connoisseur of food is familiar with.” The administration refused to comment on the rising controversy, even as Blair gathers followers in what she calls “an attempt to show the executives just how much influence we bourgeois have.” Blair’s father, an executive of a petroleum company, was seen attending a fundraiser banquet at the highest table, though, raising hopes that an amiable solution will be found soon and a crisis averted.

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“I’m still, like, in shock. And there’s no butler to help me,” complains Linda Blair, first-year, motioning around to the common room of her residence hall. After moving in at the beginning of the year, self-entitled socialite Linda Blair started compiling a list of pet peeves, which now extends several pages. “I want to eventually bring this list to the attention of the administrators, so they can fix what surely is just a few little mistakes,” she mentions, waving the list over her head. The subjects of each complaint were as varied as the ferocity of the rage each contained. One pointed out the lack of self-heating towel racks, double-soft toilet paper and

@CornerAlleyUC CornerAlleyUptown

An in-depth look at the best fashion trends with the similarities and differences of: Letty Dornfeld

Tuxedos • • • • •

People ask if you’re related to the penguin. Your crystal glass is filled with mint-flavored Chardonnay milked from the purebred unicorns in your stables. You’re off to the Metropolitan Opera to meet with your rival crime lords in a summit (but now you regret wearing your favorite suit, because you know everything’s going to end up in a bloody brawl). All your maids just did your laundry, and this suit feels particularly nice and warm from the dryer! You think about raising their hourly wages from $4 to $4.25… You come out of the forest at night with black, slimy tentacles coming out of your back, ready to feed on the souls of innocent children.

Both • • • • •

Goes great with a black satin fedora. (Don’t forget to tip it to the ladies as you walk by!) Also goes well with clip-on bow-ties. You’ll blend in with the crowd as well as a flamingo blends in with a flock of pigeons. That being said… You want to make that profound, long-lasting impression on others that shows them where your standards are. People will be impressed for about 10 seconds before they remember that they don’t give much of a damn and go back to their daily lives.

Tuxedo Shirt • • •

People ask you if you’re related to any penguins. Your red solo cup is filled with the finest Gatorade-tini. Which, of course, is the cool blue/ Blue Moon mix. Only savages take the glacier freeze/vodka mix. You’re off to a back-door gentlemen’s club to host your cousin’s friend’s bachelor party (except you’re also one of the strippers, and the tuxedo shirt is easier to take off). All your other shirts were in the laundry. You drunkenly go into the forest at night and wake up on the ground the next morning with a bunch of baby skunks who think you’re their mother.

• •

Denny’s quarterly earnings report: New changes introduced Adam Erlichman Denny’s All Nighter, a mainstay of freshmen shitlords on Case Western Reserve University’s campus, has revealed their most recent earnings, and the results aren’t good. The collective decrease in revenue was their first in the last seven years on CWRU’s campus. Though much speculation is in play, there is one reason for this that seems to be the most likely. University President Barbara Snyder, in a never-ending battle to fight the spread and use of alcohol across campus has recently instituted new policies and mandates such as dry housings for on-campus fraternities, and more regular RA rounds of freshmen dormitories. While this has certainly made CWRU kids more on edge than ever before, it has had an unintended consequence of shaking Denny’s busi-

ness model to the core. Anyone who wanders upon CWRU’s Denny’s at 2:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning (by far their busiest time) can clearly notice that the one similarity between all the customers is their levels of intoxication. While this has often led to verbal and physical conflicts between Denny’s employees and patrons, it has also kept the sad excuse for a restaurant afloat. The Athenian approached Denny’s upper management about how they would address this concern. Instead of attempting to raise the quality and performance of their restaurant, Denny’s has decided to go a different route. Denny’s has recruited Natural Light Beer on campus as their sponsor, and will be distributing their products throughout CWRU’s North

Residential Village.1 Natty Daddy’s TM will now be available for one meal swipe on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Rather than actively discouraging vomiting in their establishment, as they have done in years past, Denny’s will now be celebrating it akin to how most restaurants do birthdays. If most of the vomit lands in the togo container, the student will be awarded a gourmet, off the menu dessert called “The 6 Special.” Many students have openly supported this change, while a vocal minority has been strongly advocating against it, just like everything else fun at CWRU. This choice in sponsor has not been supported, or even shown to Snyder. 1

Fourth graders outraged when they find out they don’t have to use cursive

Bhargavee Gnanasambandam

“It’s not perfect. When will it be perfect?” he asks almost on the verge of tears. She cocks her head, and looks down at the the smeared marks and the thin paper attacked by an eraser. She noticed his eyebrows furrow at the center of his forehead and the little tear drops form in his bright blue innocent eyes. “You don’t need cursive for anything sweetie. I only teach this because they tell me to,” she said as she patted him on the head to comfort. His finger muscles begin to cramp. He drops his pencil on the floor. Reality punched him in the face and his mind goes blank. His entire view of the world is suddenly flipped. It didn’t matter if his handwriting looked like calligraphy. The sophistication of being the best is lost to the plebeians surrounding him and his soul fills with

A little hand moves slowly on the paper, etching each and every little part of the letter. A little bead of sweat drips slowly from his forehead. The graphite on his pencil moves slowly against the paper. Must. Get. The. Perfect. Letter. He looks down at his papers, thinking about the embarrassment that he will soon face when they get to the real world. The college admission teams of mediocre community college voting ‘nay’ instead of ‘yay’ on his application. The upper class boss men firing him because his cursive ‘a’ doesn’t match the company look. His potentially Summa Cum Laude resume means nothing in comparison to each and every cursive letter. He raises his hand, ever-so-slowly, and waits for the teacher to see him. She looks down at his letters, and pats him on the back for his effort.

rage. “WHAT.” What was the point of working hard? What is the point of having a future? What was the point of dreaming when fourth grade is just full of nonsense? Who teaches handwriting for the sake of it? Is the world full of nonsense too? “We just want you to know how and what cursive writing is. No one actually ever uses it,” the teacher said, afraid of the little child losing his head to the realness of reality. He looked down at his paper. He sat back down, and looked around at the rest of the children, with snot dripping down and Velcro on their shoes instead of Italian leather. Turns out, he was just like the rest of them. 7

CWRU hosts 50th annual Alumni Donor Penis Size competition Staff Reporter For the past 50 years, Case Western Reserve University has graciously hosted the Alumni Donor penis size competition, where the wealthy benefactors of our school donate ludicrous sums of money directly proportional to their penis size. CWRU uses the façade of malleability to financially well-established alumni to hide the true competition—donor dick sizes. The most accurate way to measure penis size is to publically display how much money one possesses, preferably in a grandiose and outrageous way. Every year the winner of the competition gets carefully stroked by various upper-level administration, and buildings like Tinkham Veale University Center appear on campus. However, the competition is rigged, as seen in the case of alumni donor Teddy Upshire. Administration is currently working on the problem, but competition is to proceed as planned. Most people think that the

Julia Bianco Michelson-Morley Monument, commonly called the “lipstick fountain” or “penis fountain” was built to commemorate the Michelson-Morley experiment.

On the contrary, it was a gift from Upshire, in order to compensate for his remarkably average penis.

CaseCash funneled through offshore bank accounts

Michael Codega

is a fund set aside by meal plans for students to spend at local restaurants, preferably ones owned by Bon Appétit. While the nature of the money dumps has yet to be revealed, it is expected to be related to an unusually high exchange rate that CaseCash has been experiencing in recent months. This exchange rate is likely due to Chipotle beginning to accept CaseCash. Students at CWRU often frequent the fast food restaurant as an alternative to the school’s dining options. These dining options are controlled by the wannabe monopoly Bon Appétit, while Chipotle is owned by a more respectable Chipotle franchise. While the origin of CaseCash has yet

In shocking national news, Case Western Reserve University has come under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) for high volume money laundering. There is also strong evidence that the FBI has joined the investigation. The precise nature of the investigation is unclear as the SEC has yet to make a statement, and CWRU has not publicly acknowledged any investigation. Sources close to the investigation reveal that the SEC and FBI have been tracking an unusual stream of CaseCash that has been flowing out of the Cleveland area and into anonymous bank accounts in Switzerland. For our readers who are unfamiliar with CaseCash, it

to be tracked down, The Observer recently featured an article investigating mysterious disappearances of CaseCash from some students accounts. After sifting through information leaked to CWRU’s more venerable news outlet, The Athenian staff found strong indication that Bon Appétit may be a likely suspect behind the laundering. Despite the turmoil around the future of the system, students indicate that they still hold faith in Our Beloved President Babs Almighty, who can do no wrong while running the school. Without the CaseCash system, students would be forced to eat at Leutner, which is feared more than finals week.

, -

Mount McKinley

MUSICIANS

THINGS AT CWRU The word “provost” Bab’s pantsuit Bab’s pantsuit It exhudes power, fashion, brillance, and makes dat ass look mighty fine.

Josh Groban Andrea Bocelli

Forgot my manners with the last one, I meant to say that it makes her look... professional. Yeah that’s it. Bab’s pantsuit

Andrea Bocelli Andrea Bocelli Biggie Smalls and Jr. M.A.F.I.A

Silverware stolen from Leutner Trying to convince Stolen silverware a company who isn’t hiring your It becomes even fancier major to give you a job at the career fair when you use it after cooking for a date in on of the freshman dorm’s digusting kitchens. Poverty Poverty Poverty I worked hard to get here too, they should just get a job

Poverty

Igleton Bab’s pantsuit

You’re telling me rich people don’t like the 1995 hit “Get Money”? Shit. Iggy it is I guess.

Eating endangered animals I can be an egotistical maniac and destroy the earth at the same time? I love having money.

Eating endangered animals

pretending to live in poverty when you are actually a self-entitled college student

Iggy Azalea

Eating endangered animals

Foie gras

Eating endangered animals

Truffles

Poverty Poverty

SOCIETAL PROBLEMS TO LOOK DOWN ON AND BLAME THE MASSES FOR

Caviar Think of the fanciest event you’ve gone to. Was there caviar? No, well you’re not fancy you stupid, uneducated plebian.

Fanciest things at Case Western Reserve University

Caviar

FOOD

New campus transportation service launches

Paul Palumbo

A new service has opened on Case Western Reserve University campus that is designed for students who are sick and tired of having to walk to class all the time. The service is called “First Class Flights,” and students who pay the monthly fee have unlimited access to catapults that the business has placed all around the university. “It’s a very simple system,” says company founder Darren Tortoa. “Students can use these giant catapults to sling themselves in the direction they need to go. We’ve set up trampolines all over campus as well, which the students will probably land on while getting to their destination much faster than using a bike or feet. As if it wasn’t fast enough, G-forces of the launch render the user completely unconscious, which means it seems even faster for the flier. It’s the best way to get around since the car!”

Results show that this service has indeed been very successful at getting students where they need to go. Of the survivors, 80 percent report they got from one end of campus to the other before they even regained consciousness. Only 60 percent of students have been admitted to the hospital with broken bones, and overall class tardiness has decreased by 90 percent. The absence rate has increased in similar numbers, but researchers inform us this is a mere coincidence. “It’s fantastic!” claimed CWRU nursing student Debra Dent. “I’ve been getting an extra 15 minutes of sleep every morning. I don’t need to worry so much about waking up now that I can get to class almost instantly. And it’s been doing wonders for my major, too; in the past week we’ve had more people be admitted for massive, life-threatening contusions than any other week in the history of the hospital! There

are so many people to learn from!” Despite the endorsement, many people on campus have not accepted the idea of being shot out of a catapult. Common criticisms include “I just don’t like flying much,” and “You realize you’re LITERALLY killing people, right?” “I don’t let them bother me,” says Tortoa in response to these harsh critics. “There will always be people who are too scared of progress. There will always be doubters and haters who want to stand in your way and take you down to their level. I’m not going to let them, though. I’ve designed a product that has made the world a better place, and sooner or later they’re going to have to realize that.” For now, Tortoa’s system remains in place as he works out the various kinks and issues. With luck, such a service will become available to other colleges in the near future.

Urban Dictionary ...for the fancy

Anne Nickoloff, Editor in Chief

save small dollar amounts not unlike food stamps. Why they would ever be needed, we are unsure. Pennies: /ˈpenē/ noun Small, metal, round objects that for some strange reason are not made out of gold. They appear to be useless. Energy drink: /ˈenərjē driNGk/ noun The energy drink is a low-grade form of venti cappuccino with soy, used to keep the masses functional at their desk jobs. Energy drinks have a taste of chemical detergent and synthetic fruit flavor. Bathtub: /ˈbaTHˌtəb/ noun A primitive jacuzzi, comparable to the cleanliness of Pomeranian’s mouth. The bathtub is used for cleaning urban filth. Clocks: / kläk/ noun Inventions which hang on the wall, displaying the time of day for those who don’t have a personal butler to announce the hour, or a Google Glass to display the time. Alarm clock: /əˈlärm kläk/ noun A sub-

For fancy people, the world can be a frightening place. Words we are unaccustomed to can sound like a foreign language, and navigating the sidewalks of any major city can be filled with confusion and disgust. Here is a handy guide for the top one percent to get through a day in the city. Subway: /ˈsəbˌwā/ noun A mode of transportation. Like limousines, they take you from one place to another. Unlike limousines, they run on a schedule other than one’s own, and have a distinct scent of urine mixed with that smell your child brings in after playing in the pool too long. Ramen noodles: /ˈrämən ˈno͞odl/ noun Shredded cardboard, which tastes salty like caviar. Heated in a contraption called a “microwave.” This food sustains the masses in their day-to-day lives. Coupons: /ˈk(y)o͞oˌpän/ noun A foolish form of currency used to decrease minimal amounts of money being spent on food and basic necessities. Coupons are used to 10

section of the “clock” family, which awakens those who have morning obligations other than sleeping until noon in a king-size bed. Broom: /bro͞om,bro͝ om/ noun The broom is a mechanism used by your housekeeper for collecting dust and dirt into small piles, which are then bagged and disposed of. They are an early form of the Roomba. Eye glasses: /ī ˈɡlasiz/ noun This item is used purely as a fashion statement. They come in the form of clear or darkened glass. Disestablishmentarianism: / dĭs′ĭstăb′lĭsh-mən-târ′ē-ən/ noun What the devil is this? It has more than six syllables, and is an unfit word for any human to utter. Ask the butler to Google this for you, and find a better result than we can offer. Job: / jäb/ noun Some way the masses choose to spend their time when not sleeping, eating, or watching films on their personal home theaters. Jobs are a complete snooze, if you ask us.

8 Things to do for a fancy Thanksgiving as a poor college student Article By: Riddhi Patel - Pictures By: Eric Polhemus College is tough, especially when you have to spend Thanksgiving away from home. Everyone in your family is most likely enjoying a scrumptious dinner that took several days to prepare while you are shuffling through your drawers for another night of Cup O’ Noodles. You plan to sit in front of your tiny laptop screen, eyes glued as countless Thanksgiving specials play queued on Netflix and soggy noodles enter your mouth.

the first maintenance worker you see to the closet with all the supplies and break in. You might even get a free mop as well. 5. Collect food from your neighbors. We all want to have a squash medley, mashed potatoes and green bean casserole as sides but who has the money for all those components? Instead you can make cheap replacement sides by asking everyone in your dorm what food they are willing to throw towards your feast. Instead of a green bean casserole you can make a leftover Chipotle casserole or a medley of stolen fruit from Leutner. Of course your neighbors are likely college students, so perhaps procure several antibacterial products too.

Well fear not young college student. Here are 10 things you can do this year to have a fancy Thanksgiving on a budget. 1. Dress up. Instead of spending the entire day in your pajamas you should wear something beautiful. I was thinking a ballroom gown, four inch heels and gloves for the females and a tuxedo for the males. Thanksgiving is not known as a holiday where one dresses up, but let’s make it. When will you ever wear your prom dress again anyways? 2. Buy the basics.

4. Use a plunger as a turkey baster. You’re a poor college student who can barely afford to eat Chipotle once a week. So you most likely do not have intense cooking equipment like a turkey baster, but fear not! Plungers can be used as a replacement and are often free. Just follow

Pumpkin spice lattes, K cups, fall candles, and terrible quotes written in every worst calligraphy. If you can’t have real Thanksgiving, at least make your kitchen table look Instagram-worthy.

6. Have a cooking party. As we all know from our mother’s cooking, Thanksgiving is a chore that will probably take up to 24 hours. Buy a bag of Tostitos, and turn on the cooking channel. Invite your friends and make it a party. 7. Borrow utensils from Leutner. You pay around $14 per meal swipe so why not let that money go for good use and grab a few hundred forks and knives for this fancy feast. No one will notice. 8. Skype in.

3. Empty your pantry into the stuffing.

Call all your friends who live close enough to go home for the break and eat to candlelight in your common room together. Tie plastic bags around the smoke detectors (for safety, of course).

This is an easy one: just mix everything together and call it a “medley.” Take all those old care packages and just stuff those sweet treats into that turkey’s butt. This will make a very unique tasting meal that will be discussed for years to come. Maybe the recipe can even be sold to L’albatros.

The Athenian’s Student Spotlight Alaina Lisanti “When I was but a boy, in days of youth, My father brought me into London town To listen to a trav’ling music troupe. He inquired of me, “Son, when thou art grown, Wilt thou become the savior of the broke,

Alaina Lisanti

They who are crushed or beaten, they, the damned.””

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Case orders shipment of ivy to increase prestige

Eric Polhemus

This last Monday, Case Western Reserve University received two tons of fully grown English ivy, which will be shipped and glued to the walls of numerous buildings across campus over the course of the next two weeks. The installation of the ivy is intended to increase the prestige of the university to potential students, and will come at a cost of about $2 million. “We want Case to be the best; and when people think the best, they think Ivy League,” President Barbara Snyder said in an interview last Saturday. “And how can you be Ivy League without ivy?” When asked about the decision to glue the ivy up, she said “It would be nice if the ivy would grow in naturally; but the kind of fo-

liage that says ‘established’ doesn’t grow in overnight. We want big ivy, and we want it now.” The ivy is only one part of a larger effort to make CWRU more closely resemble an ‘old-money’ East Coast school. Calling CWRU’s history as a merger of Case Technical and Western Reserve “confusing” and “not marketable,” Snyder says she hopes the school will adopt an alternate history. “From now on, Case Western Reserve University has always been a single school,” she said. “It was founded in 1796, which would make it one of the first colleges in the United States, had it actually been within the United States’ boundaries at the time.” Further efforts to increase CWRU’s pres-

tige have included posthumously declaring seven presidents graduates, changing the name of Clark Tower to St. Alaistair of Devonshire-upon-Gilford-McGillighenhy, and eroding several stone and brick buildings with a seawater-filled power washer. CWRU is also spending $1.5 million to build a fully authentic 18th century building, and then another $1.2 million to immediately replace electricity with gaslights and to introduce asbestos into the walls. Students have expressed favorable opinions of the effort. “Aside from the hiccup with the poison ivy, the installation is going well,” one of the workers said. “But we still haven’t figured out how to get the ivy to stick to Tinkham Veale.”

Skype interview takes devastating turn

Anastazia Vanisko

Barnabas Brennan

relevant employment questions and comments on the student’s outfit. The interviewer was so impressed by the upper ensemble that he asked the student to stand up and model the outfit. At this point, a look of horror froze upon the student’s face. Somehow missing this, the interviewer urged him to stand. It was then that the student was forced to reveal that on his lower half he was wearing nothing but Spider-man boxers (which, with pain-

A CWRU student was recently humiliated during a Skype interview with the company of his dreams when his interviewer asked him to stand during the interview. Not expecting this tragic turn of events, the student was wearing only boxers. The student, who wished to remain anonymous due to the shame in which this incident resulted, had assumed that he could present his would-be employer with a professional upper body and ignore the rest. “Who asks you to stand up during a Skype interview? No one. Skype interviews are supposed to be chill, right?” the student said, still in shock from his experience. When preparing for the interview, the student put on a crisp white dress shirt, a stunning blazer, his lucky bowtie and his ruby cufflinks, a family heirloom. Apparently they matched the lucky bowtie perfectly. The interview started off quite well. The student made sure to sit erect in order to demonstrate his impeccable posture, always made direct eye contact with his interviewer, and folded his hands in front of him (this also helped him to show off his cufflinks, the student reported). Eventually the interview became a mixture of

ful irony, happened to match his bowtie). Though the interviewer was clearly uncomfortable at this unexpected view, he covered it well. With a practiced deftness he congratulated the student on a well-done interview and informed him that they would be in touch. The interviewer was unavailable for comment at this time. Apparently he has asked to never be assigned an interview with a CWRU student again. 13

The New Residence Hall is broken

Barnabas Brennan

Disclaimer: I wanted to make up some amusing jokes, but most of this is really just what residents have shown me or told me about. In the spring, a skeleton arose on the corner of E 115th Street and Wade Park, and all of a sudden, there was a university facility. I pass the new residence hall every day. On one occasion, I commented, “It’s looking good.” A gruff construction worker responded, “It looks the same as it did yesterday.” But it still was not ready. Upper class students spent the first four weeks in limbo. When they were finally able to move in, it was clear the work was not done. My investigative reporting has confirmed one thing: The new residence hall is broken. The townhouses are effectively isolated from the rest of the building, but the large windows take away any sense of privacy. The security station isn’t positioned well to watch the area anyway. The rest of the building forms an S-shape five stories tall, lined with suites. Only the north wing has five full floors. It wraps around a quasi-courtyard facing the softball field, and floodlights illuminate the building for no one to see. The lights do succeed in shining upward into the windows of students trying to sleep. The rooms lack soundproofing, and the walls don’t reach the ceiling. The CWRU community isn’t quite close enough that you want to hear every time your neighbors get frisky. The ventilation seems to have the opposite problem. Air conditioning scarcely

reaches the bedrooms, and there are four-inch grills in the ceiling instead of fume hoods for the stoves. The fire alarms, one or more in every room, used to go off several times a day. The average has now decreased to twice per week. The kitchens have small sinks and no dishwashers, and you can only get to the laundry room through one hallway. The only elevator for handicap accessibility is at the center of the building, which means you’re better off pitching a tent in the lobby rather than trying to reach an easy way up. Several spots in the upper floors open inexplicably to the floors below, one of which vertically connects two study rooms. It’s just begging for someone to get hurt climbing over and sue the university. The cute balcony and roof garden, however, isn’t even open to students. I interviewed a fourth year who is looking at the bright side. She noted that there is no asbestos in the walls and “the elevator works, for now.” Then she optimistically noted the facility seemed “hobbled together,” and cheerfully recommended, “Do not ever pick this house to live in, ever.” The current facility name is “1576,” but since that’s literally the address, there have been several suggestions for what to call it, including ‘Village House 8,’ ‘The Afterthought,’ ‘The Monsters under Your Bed Are SAGES Seminars,’ ‘[Insert Name of Generous Donor Here]’ and ‘Glass Half Empty, Building Half Finished.’

Historians discover that Columbus was actually a good guy Staff Reporter CLEVELAND, OH—High school teacher Sally Peterson told reporters yesterday that Christopher Columbus was not who they thought he was. Students from first grade through sixth grade are taught that the great Christopher Columbus was a brilliant Italian navigator who sailed the ocean blue and proved the earth was round. Upon reaching seventh grade, students are taught that Christopher Columbus was actually “not that nice,” and proceed to learn in ninth grade of the enslavements and tortures he oversaw. He was not the man that young students thought he was, and they learn that he probably initiated genocides and what not. Now historians have made the brilliant discovery that Columbus was actually a good guy, and helped the native Haitians and worked together with them to build a society. He was a visionary who purely spread the good word of the Christian religion. Columbus was actually really friendly, a term that Peterson has now deemed appropriate to associate with “colonization.”

Andrew Dupuis

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Seducing the rich is hard. Is the chase of plebeians for intimacy getting a bit dry? Are old baits like the trail of money into the bedroom or buying expensive gifts just not working as well as they used to? Well don’t fret, I, the Sultan of Seduction, have a mystical method with a mind-boggling success rate. Hand crafted many moons ago in the land of Sultanania, this method was fine tuned to only be utilized by those who live the most extravagant and lavish lives. I call it: the Art of Innuendo, trademark pending. Follow these ancient methods, and I assure you that you’ll entice the fanciest of lovers. No longer will you have to put efforts into expressing your affections to the rest of the 99 percent, just slip one of the following fancy pick up lines into any conversation, and you’ll be sure to get an explosion of passion unlike ever before: 1. I bet you can put a lot of bang in these bucks. 2. I’d stuff your off-shore accounts. 3. I’d crash my Bentley into your Bugatti. 4. Is your name Vera? Cause I’ve got your Wang. 5. My company would drill through 10 Earths for your crude oil. 6. I’d take you with a bottle of Domaine de la Romanee any day. 7. My plastic surgeon can’t keep things as tight as you.

8. I’d start a thrust fund with you. 9. You can take a ride on my platinum submarine any time. 10. I’d make my mansion staff bend over backwards for you. 11. We can bang around my croquet balls any time. 12. I’d let you monopolize all my time. 13. You can drive my yacht, if you know what I mean. 14. I’d eat your caviar, if you know what I mean. 15. Let’s have sex. If you experience any difficulties such as having to avoid super swift karate chops to your brand new face, getting a variety of fine wine thrown all over your diamond encrusted business clothes, rekindling a lost love with your third spouse, and/or losing the deed to your moon property, this means that my methods are working.You are, slowly but surely, on your way to becoming a master of the innuendo arts. For a small charge of $100,000 a month you can have private lessons with me. As my apprentice you will learn the true secret to innuendo, and become a black belt in the art of innuendo in half the time. Call 1-800-MO-MONEY today, to learn how to woo the perfect lover the right way. - The Sultan

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Contributors Barnabas Brennan Michael Codega Caleb Diaz Letty Dornfeld - Cover Adam Erlichman Bhargavee Gnanasambandam Adithi Iyengar Steve Kerby Alaina Lisanti Mike McKenna Paul Palumbo Riddhi Patel Eric Polhemus

The Sultan of Seduction

Anastazia Vanisko Lucy Wan - Back Cover Angeline Xiong Executives Annie Nickoloff Mahima Devarajan Beth Magid Tejas Joshi Sarah Lisk David Pendergast Julia Bianco Sarah Whelan J.P. O’Hagan 15