Issue 64 by The Athenian

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Proud member of the Case Media Board since Hundert. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” - Albert Einstein EMAIL: athenian@case.edu

ISSUE #64 The Goons In Charge: Advisor: Dr. Bradley Ricca Editor-In-Chief: Patrick Melvin Assistant Editor: Alex Kloss Business Manager: Evan Martin

Content

by:

Pat Melvin Hallie Dolin Alex Kloss Carissa Conine Jacob Derzon Evan Martin Jonathan Chan

Graphics

by:

Rya Lally Mel Sayre Donald Huston

Layout

by:

Mel Sayre

Head Graphics Artist: Rya Lally Layout Editor: Mel Sayre Assistant to the Assistant Editor's Assistant:

Have you seen us on Facebook lately?

Hallie Dolin Graveyard Manager: Mufasa

the

ATHENIAN

...From The Editor Well, it seems that another election season is drawing to a close. Don’t get me wrong; I won’t miss those stupid campaign ads any more than you will, but there is a certain something about election years that I love. Namely, so many politicians say so many stupid things that we here at the Athenian are never at a loss for material. Not since the days of Dan Quayle have we been given so much material to work with. From Todd Akin’s completely brainless comments about female pregnancy to Mitt Romney’s recent comments about “binders of women,” we (and humorists everywhere) have had a field day picking the Republican party apart. We have managed to fill the past two issues with the stuff they’ve said. That’s impressive; I’ve really got to hand it to them. And I must sincerely thank them for limiting the amount of hard work we’ve had to do around here. However, with the flow of dumb comments ebbing, we now need your support. No longer do we have a steady stream of nonsense to write about. No longer can we just open up cnn.com to see what stupid thing the Republicans have said now. I’ve been trying to offer up my soul in exchange for another way of getting a steady supply of humor, but the devil isn’t returning my calls. Looks like we’ve actually got to think about what

Pat Melvin, Editor-in-Chief to write. And thinking is hard work. (Well… harder work, anyway). So give us all you’ve got − articles, pictures, ideas, whatever. We can find a way to work with it. We enjoy supplying this campus with humor as much as you enjoy being supplied with humor. Help us help you by sending in funny stuff, and make the magazine better for everyone! And need I remind you that you can win $50 if your article is the best one of the issue? If you don’t feel like you can write a whole article, then keep your ears open for funny things people say around campus! I trust you won’t let us down. — The Editor

Athenian Guidelines 1) The Athenian is a semi-anonymous publication. Contributors’ names are printed on page 2, but aren’t necessarily connected to any particular artlcle. 2) The Athenian advises you not to smoke. Unless you’re on fire. Then it’s only natural. 3) The Athenian is released on the first Friday of every month. The deadline for submissions (including articles, Photoshops, and captions) for issue 65 is Tuesday, November 6th, 2012.

Congratulations to Jacob Derzon for winning best submission of Issue 63!

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raft” c r a . W y f all o r e d t l i r L . “Wo ires Back

Senate

Candidate F

rst n Palin the fi ti a S y b n te it Wr Following criticism from the Maine Republican Party about her World of Warcraft habit, State Senate candidate Colleen Lachowicz has gone on the offensive. Lachowicz was allegedly seen dressing up as her online alter ego, “Santiaga,” and attacking various Republicans in the Maine State Senate. Eyewitnesses reported that on October 30, Senator Thomas Martin was hit by a ball of fire thrown by Lachowicz, who was dressed in an assassination rogue outfit and wearing green body paint. Martin maintains that he was set ablaze by the spell, claiming that

Lachowicz ruined a “perfectly good suit.” Martin is preparing to sue for damages. David Sorenson, head of the Maine Republican Party, claimed that the greenskinned rogue tried to stab him and that he was cut in half, but admits that he “got better.” Finally, Grover Norquist alleged that Lachowicz attempted to drown him in his bathtub at approximately 11:30 that evening.

Sorenson released the following statement: “Originally we were maintaining the pretense that our criticisms of Lachowicz were based on her comments, rather than her game playing. In light of these attacks, however, I don’t think we need to pretend any more. These newfangled video games are destroying the youth of America and need to be banned. Lachowicz has clearly lost her ability to differentiate fantasy from reality, and this video game did it. Video games are evil. Video games came straight from the pits of Hell. Video games killed Abraham Lincoln. Video games were made by evil liberals to brainwash your children. All in favor, bleat like sheep.” Lachowicz denies the allegations, claiming that “Orc assassination rogues don’t even get fireball spells! Why would [she] cast fireballs if it were really [her]? These false allegations are clear demonstrations of partisanship from a party that has no legitimate criticisms and is grasping at whatever slim straws it can find.” She added that “this state has enough problems with all of Stephen King’s monstrosities running around. We do not need petty fighting in the state Senate and outright insanity from the state’s Republican Party to ruin Maine’s reputation even further.” Elsewhere in Maine, members of Lachowicz’s World of Warcraft guild attempted to meet with Senator Martin to try to smooth things over and clear up any misconceptions. However, one L. Jenkins, leader of the guild in question, claimed that things did not go according to plan: “Well, we all showed up dressed up like our avatars; I figured the Senator could see that we’re really all just normal people. So, when we all got there, we were standing outside discussing what to do. Then in the middle of discussions, one of the Senator’s staff opened the front door. I rushed in…one thing led to another… you know, I really don’t want to talk about it.” Unfortunately, at this point the staff at the Chamberlain County Correctional Center said that Mr. Jenkins’s phone time was up, so we were unable to continue the interview.

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Conservative Families Support “End of PBS,” Poll Shows Written by F. Scott Fitzgerald Big Bird, beloved favorite of America’s children, listened to his death sentence from U.S. presidential candidate Mitt Romney during the first 2012 election debate with a bowed head and sad look in his eyes, but gained no sympathy from parents across America who still support “traditional values.” “Sesame Street has long been leading children astray,” said Jean Adams, who described herself as “just your normal, cookie-baking, house-cleaning mother.” “It ranks just below ‘NOVA’ in shows my boys aren’t allowed to watch.” Mrs. Adams went on to say that NOVA brought ridiculous ideas to the table, such as the Earth revolving around the Sun and that the moon landing was not faked. She also mentioned a past incident in which one of her sons went to a friend’s house, viewed a NOVA episode about Carl Sagan, and was almost indoctrinated into believing in “space.” Other parents were more specific in their complaints. “PBS teaches kids der letters before dey get to school,” Ron Smith said to a reporter. “How we s’posed to keep the gov’ment from indoctrinatin’ my children with this ‘Reading Rainbow’ shit? It’s gotta go.” Unfortunately, our reporter was unable to get any more details out of Mr. Smith, as his habit of jabbing his rifle in the air as he spoke became too unsettling. If he had been questioned further, maybe our readers would not be left wondering how Mr. Smith raises his children. “Katy Perry was almost on Sesame Street!” said Texan mother Amy Perkins. “That woman is a sinner, and I cannot believe that any public educational system could consider endorsing her!” A new poll by the Things You Expect To Hear Organization (TYETHO) revealed that 76% of Romney’s supporters also supported his plan to cut funding to Public Broadcasting Service. Comments frequently included the phrase “privatize the damn thing” as well as the word “socialist.” “I often cut the smallest expenses in my family budget first,” Ann Romney said when asked to comment on her husband’s statement. She later added: “Well—I would if I needed to. I’m so grateful to the American Dream! It’s allowed us to spend more money on my dressage horse than most middle-class

families live on in one year; it means I don’t have to think about what represents 0.00012% of our family’s budget.” Although there was an Internet outcry to “save Big Bird,” it’s well-known that anyone who takes enough time to make their voice heard on the world wide web could hardly be counted on to provide much of America’s vote in the first place. Millions of kids’ happiness and education is hardly worth government support in a first world country who has bigger problems to worry about, like bonuses for the DHS. Romney ‘s plan to stop “borrowing money from China [to pay for PBS]” has been wholly endorsed by families who care about their children’s morals. Remember, kids; Public Broadcasting Service is full of (communist) sex and drugs. Turn on some Fox instead.

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versity i n U e v r e s e R stern We the Case Wderink to all of the following. students agree to

from his tour te do ec an an ns tio en m y ne om R • ficit, freedom, de e th s, es sin bu l al sm , na hi C ns • Romney mentio dreams, or the military r class pe up e th r fo s xe ta t cu to s se fu re • Romney moderator e th off ts cu e at id nd ca er th Ei • ator’s question er od m e th er sw an ly al tu ac t n’ es • A candidate do air • Romney pulls money out of thin Romney by d se es dr ad g in be le hi w um di • Obama stares at the po > then Romney is <x at th k in th u yo “If e ur ct ru st e • Obama uses th the candidate for you” Clinic • Someone refers to Cleveland bamacare O in s” rd oa “b to rs fe re y ne om R • le energy ab w ne re in ts en m st ve in s a’ m ba O • Romney attacks experience • Romney refers to his business • Obama mentions education • Obama sa ys “Let me be clear” ent of dogs tm ea tr s r’ he ot e th t ou ab g in jok • Either candidate

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ATHENIAN

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AS ELECTION DAY NEARS, MITT “TWO FACE” ROMNEY FORGOES ALL SEMBLANCE OF HONESTY IN ORDER TO APPEAL TO VOTERS Written by Hunter S. Thompson

With less than a month before election day, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is doing everything he can in order to appeal to the few undecided voters. In recent days, the former governor has been observed changing his policies every 20.3 seconds in an attempt to appeal to the broadest possible range of voters. Examples include telling a lesbian couple they can abort the atheist baby in a terrorist hospital sponsored by Obamacare one minute, and the next advocating that the Constitution be replaced by the single word “God” the next. The trend can be traced back to the October 3rd presidential debate, when challenger Mitt “The Twit” Romney used his 38 minutes of speaking time in order to present his case to the American people. In a move reminiscent of film director and writer M. Night Shyamalan, he reversed his position on key issues ranging from the pro-life debate (changing from “prochoice” to “bring the dead back to life”) to the correct term for a carbonated beverage (changing “soda” to “pop”). In an even more bizarre turn of events, the challenger has now taken the lead in several national polls, leaving top political scientists with no option other than to run off of cliffs like lemmings. Romney finished the debate with a now famous closing remark: “If I am elected president, every American will have a flying car and solid gold robot butler by 2014, they will never age, and they will be able to see all of their dead childhood pets.” On a brighter note, the candidate did elaborate on his plan to not only make America energy independent, but also solve the problems facing Medicare, Medicaid and the high unemployment rate. “I have a plan to make us energy independent and create about 4 million jobs,” said Romney while rubbing his hands together in evil mastermind manner. “When an American making less than $250,000 reaches the eligibility age of Medicare, they will be sent to a power plant where they will be used as a cheap oil and natural gas substitute. We get rid of the old people, 4 million young people get jobs running the plant, and America gets energy. Everybody wins,” finished Romney, between bouts of maniacal laughter.

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ATHENIAN Reality Check: Darth Obama, Lord of the Sith Written by James Cole

Mad Libs Shipping jobs to name of country is adjective for America. We should focus on verb workers in order to rebuild our noun. Obama is a religion and I think we should carefully examine his noun. I went to a number of women’s groups and said ‘can you help us find folks?’ They brought us whole binders full of noun. Name of rapper endorses Barack Obama. Why don’t you? No one’s ever asked to see my noun. They know that this is the place that I was born and raised. Guantanamo will be closed no later than number years from now.

A Washington insider revealed today that President Obama is actually a high ranking lord of the Sith, which comes as no surprise following the first two presidential debates. The source, who chose to remain anonymous, had this to say regarding Obama’s seemingly comatose state in the first presidential debate: “Well, you see, he was just channeling his Force powers, you know? He was making Romney say all sorts of crazy crap with his Force manipulation. I’m surprised it hasn’t been spotted before, but Obama is a really powerful Sith.” This was clearly evident in the second debate, where Obama was seen casting Force lightning on undecided voters with difficult questions. Many viewers also reported uncomfortable sensations, with one source saying that “it felt like [he] was being strangled or something” while watching Darth Obama’s performance. It is believed that Darth Obama plans to freeze any opposing parties in carbonite pending his victory, to be displayed as trophies around the White House.

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A My Americans, Four more years. That is what I ask from you this election year. I can restore this country to glory, and if you keep me in office long enough, I can make it happen eventually. The Republican party would have you believe that I am a Kenyan-born Muslim socialist. But that isn’t true at all. I believe that we need to provide services like health care and tax breaks to everyone, not just the richest 1%. Also, I’m neither Kenyan nor Muslim. Not really sure how those came about. Now, let’s discuss why you should vote for me. We have seen an increase in the number of jobs over the past 31 months. I propose to cut taxes for the middle class and ask the rich to pay a bit more (okay, a lot more). I’m going to let you borrow money from the government to pay for college or start a business, instead of “borrowing it from your parents.” We’ll finally be getting our asses out of Iraq and Afghanistan. The NDAA’s provisions about spying have the potential for wacky hijinks; I’d like to use my next term to explore the potential. Everyone will get healthcare, whether they want it or not. If I forgot any of the usual campaign clichés, please mentally insert them now. If you, the American people, give me four more years, we can accomplish all of this and much, much more. Well, assuming the Republicans don’t stonewall me again in a bid to make the Democratic party look bad and ensure a victory in 2016. But really, what are the chances of that happening? In closing, I would just like to remind everyone that it wasn’t the Democrats who have been showing complete ignorance of basic biology. The Democrats actually live in a place called “reality.” Which is more than I can say for the Republicans.

fireside chat with the

People of the United States, Healthcare. The economy. Jobs. Education. These are things that the other candidates are promising to fix, but America doesn’t want promises. You want results. Obama championed healthcare for everyone, and managed to get us out of unnecessary wars overseas, but now his policies are stalled. Mitt Romney thinks that we can restore America by getting everyone a job, but fails to show any evidence that he has a plan and that it can work. Do you want to take advice on getting a job from the $13 million dollar man? Under a Megan Fox presidency, America will see real, lasting change, not half-hearted election year party lines. I will raise tax rates for the millionaires who sit back in their mansions and laugh at Fox News reports about our country’s deficit. I will allow our nation’s couples to get married and receive the same privileges and rights as everyone else, no matter which way they were born. I will help America’s students get the education they want at a cost they can afford, instead of leaving them out to dry with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and no job to pay it back with. Most importantly, I will give every person in the United States of America affordable, high-quality healthcare. The idea that someone should stay sick because they can’t afford treatment is ridiculous, and contrary to the most basic human rights that our nation was founded on. On that note, I will institute massive health policy reform to make sure that we stay healthy even after we leave the hospital, by improving physical education programs in schools, constructing new means of travel such as bike paths and walkways, and cracking down on cheap, unhealthy food production methods. America, our country needs help now more than ever, and it’s up to you to decide its future. Vote for Megan Fox, and help me build a better future for you and your children.

201

presidential candidates My fellow Americans, The stakes in this election could not be higher. We cannot afford four more years of the current administration. Which is why I am asking you, and every single American, for your vote this November. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am extremely wealthy. Like, really fucking wealthy. Seriously, when I’m at home, I swim through piles of money like Scrooge McDuck. For reals. Literal piles of money, and I just dive right into them. Okay, now that you know who I am, let’s get to why you should vote for me. Being ridiculously fucking wealthy, I know something about budgets and finance. For example, you may have heard of a little company that I used to be in charge of called Bain Capital. At Bain, we provided capital to businesses who needed a little help, and that is exactly how I plan on running this country if elected. The free market made me a rich motherfucker, and I plan on using the market to make America great again. For example, Big Bird. Big Bird does not understand the free market. As a matter of fact, Big Bird is one of the biggest threats to our country, because he is indoctrinating our children with a dangerous, dangerous idea. It’s called sharing. Big Bird is nothing but, a big, yellow, feathery socialist. If I am elected, I will replace PBS with new, free market based children’s programming. Programming that encourages productive young children to keep their toys to themselves, and let those children who cannot afford toys get off their butts and find a job. I predict that within 15 years of this, our children will have traditional American values, like laughing at poor children while enjoying crayons and blocks that they earned through their own hard work. Or their parents’ hard work, that’s good too. That said, I have binders full of women. Elect me, and maybe I’ll let you look through them.

in the November 6th election

ATHENIAN

VOTE...

the

http://filer.case.edu/org/athenian/ Which Party Should You Vote For? An Athenian Voter’s Guide

Start

How much?

So much!

Yes!

No, because I am an Alien from the planet K’ahlwaas.

Do you love America? I have masturbated to the Constitution.

Enough.

No. Grog the Destroyer

Do you hate freedom too? Libertarian Do you love Jesus too?

Yes!

He’s ok.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Yes.

Fine.

Socialist

Kinda…

I SAID I LOVE AMERICA GODDAMNIT.

Moderate Republican

Cut excessive taxes and spending.

How do we fix it? No.

Yes I am. Yes. Are you sure?

Yes…

Raise taxes on the wealthy

Shut up, you damn commie. Democrat

It’s broken.

Are you imaginary?

Lazy, entitled bums!

How do you feel about poor people?

Just right.

Too small.

How do you feel about the federal government?

Tea Party On second thought, no.

Can we just get back to the issues, please?

You actually hate America, don’t you?

Communist

You misheard me. I meant to say “SO MUCH!”

Are you mentally stable?

Not even close.

Yep.

I mean enough.

They’re good people, for the most part. EEEEVIL!

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ATHENIAN

Since we havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T forgotten Thanksgiving....

Make sure you write for the Athenian! 13

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Congress Passes “Fedora License” Law; Case Students Riot Written by Arthur Conan Doyle Hundreds of Case students took to the streets in protest on Monday following a successful vote in Congress to pass the Ford Act. Named after actor Harrison Ford, the bill requires citizens to pass a test of basic fashion sense before they are allowed to wear a fedora-style hat. Case Police and Security Services have dispatched riot police to key areas of University Circle to stem the flood of angry Case students impacted by the bill, although there has been little to no property damage and even the appearance of police has stopped most students in their tracks. The bill was first proposed to Senator Al Franken by Ford himself, who feels that the modern-day use of the fedora makes “a mockery of Indiana Jones and other badasses,” according to the text of the bill. The bill’s introduction goes on to say: “The proliferation of cheap, low-quality fedoras, especially in the communities which frequent Hot Topic and, conversely, Reddit, is a tragedy and brings shame to anyone who has ever raided an ancient temple for gold or quested in search of the Holy Grail. Admittedly, there are a select few who can wear a fedora in combination with a relaxed outfit (perhaps a pair of chinos and a blazer with a nice button-down), but it is expected that they will be able to gain a fedora license with ease. This bill targets anyone trying to wear sweatpants or an ironic t-shirt with a fedora.” The licensing exam focuses on aspects of traditional menswear, such as when it is appropriate to wear a tie, proper fitting for shirts and pants, and color selection. In a move lauded by feminist and LGBT groups nationwide, the bill also allows

women to take the exam, citing recent studies showing that most women have a better sense of men’s fashion than the majority of college-age men. A similar bill is currently being presented in the U.S. House Committee on Homeland Security that would require a similar license in order to wear both leggings and Ugg-brand boots (specifically, those with the fur), but faces fierce opposition from the male representatives. Immediately after major news outlets began covering the passage of the bill, Case police officers reported students filling the streets in what appeared to be outfits making homage to a scene from the 2005 dystopian sci-fi film V for Vendetta. Clad in black robes, fedoras, and masks depicting anarchist Guy Fawkes, students swarmed Euclid Avenue and surrounding side streets, blocking traffic for several hours. Protesters cited discontent with the government for infringing on their right to headwear, which they claim is guaranteed through careful reading of the United States Constitution. When asked for comment, faculty at the Case Western Reserve University School of Law immediately said “No” to our reporter standing in the “Does the Constitution Actually Say...” line in the main lobby. Approximately four hours after it began, the protest was dispersed by police, most of whom were carrying “not at all lethal” foam tactical batons and no body armor whatsoever. CWRU Chief of Police Ted Roosevelt told reporters that the tear gas canisters used on the protesters were actually filled with Febreze, but that protesters had a stronger reaction than if they had actually been exposed to tear gas. Several anonymous CWRU police officers likened the dispersal to a staring contest “with a bunch of preschoolers.”

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Constitution Party endorses

drops current candidate,

Basil Marceaux

Much to the surprise of all involved, including its current presidential candidate, the Constitution Party officially moved its support to a man who shocked the world two years ago by running for governor of Tennessee: Basil Marceaux, a 60-year-old garbage collector for the Department of Transportation. According to his latest post on basilmarceaux.com, Marceaux is “delight” to have been chosen. Ever since the announcement of his official candidacy, endorsements for Basil Marceaux have been pouring in from prominent members of the Constitution and Tea Parties. One hour after the announcement, Ron Paul blogged that “Basil Marceaux is probably the most promising candidate this political party has had since me.” While the blog entry led to Paul being pelted with rotten fruit in his Galveston, TX home, his endorsement raised Marceaux’s approval rating from 3.5% to 4.1%. Needless to say, there are some who doubt Marceaux’s viability, both as a candidate and as a human being. In a recent Tweet, Vice President Joe Biden said that “Marceaux [should] remove himself from the race, as he is obviously a troll. I am referring to his face.” Although Marceaux declined to comment, President Obama “liked” the Tweet when it was copied onto Facebook. Marceaux is focusing his energy not on battling detractors (a welcome change from the usual election-year shenanigans), but on enumerating his proposed policies for the general public. He has vowed that, if elected, he will do everything possible to prevent the constituents known as “nutcakes” from gaining access to polling locations. “They, uh, can’t vote,” he said during an interview this afternoon. “Don’t want ‘em voting. Nor getting guns.” Marceaux then engaged in a long bout of coughing, at the end of which he hacked up some sort of organic matter and declared that he would also make twice-daily naps compulsory for all elected officials over fifty-five – “for the health.” He also referred to himself as “Basil Marceaux dot Com” three times during the interview, for reasons no one can fully comprehend.

Written by the Joker

Having also declared that he will gladly answer questions from “them fans,” Marceaux conducted an online interview several hours later, and answered questions from people who posted them on his website. When asked, he willingly named his top ten tips for “Being a President Real Nice”. The tenth was “not [to] let [one’s] dog sleep in [one’s] bed”; based on experience in that area, Marceaux believes that that will induce the dog to move in. While voters as a rule were confused about the relevance of his advice, they appreciated the sentiment. Marceaux’s ratings have consequently moved up another half percent. Case Western has cordially invited Mr. Marceaux to speak at the Mandel Center on November 7. Although he has not replied, we at the Athenian eagerly await his response. As he would only be elected in the event of a nuclear war, we can only assume that he will attend.

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Who Would You

RatheR Vote FoR?

The man who Or the man who chose to wants it to kill NASA... stay dead? Help save the dream of the United States of Space. Vote Armstrong 2012. 16

Paid for by the We’re Goin’ to Mars, Bitches! Foundation

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ATHENIAN

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Candidates

get down and dirty

Written by Olivia Davis

President Obama has announced that he will no longer tolerate mudslinging in either his or Governor Romney’s campaign ads . While such a statement would normally be met with approval across the board, it turns out that the president’s definition of ‘mudslinging’ differs significantly from history’s interpretation of the word. “The rampant overuse of the word ‘literally’ in this country has to stop,” Obama said in a small press conference convened just after the most recent debate. “I’ve had it up to here with the irresponsible use of language we’ve been seeing in campaign ads. ‘Obama is literally a Muslim!’ ‘Romney is literally retarded!’ – pardon me, I meant mentally challenged. Here’s the most recent one: ‘Romney is literally the fattest of the fat-cat executives.’ Now, I don’t know about you, but there’s very little in Governor Romney that suggests a literal resemblance to an overweight cat, and I’m sure DNA testing would prove me right, if required. My fellow Americans, I ask

grammatically

you to join me in denouncing such irresponsible grammar and hyperbole. We are better than that.” As might be expected, Governor Romney has fired back on the grounds that the president has no idea what he’s talking about. His official statement on the matter is that “President Obama has no right to censor people’s grammar. Part of what makes this country so great is that everyone has a right to use whatever kinds of grammar they can dream of. My official campaign ads will continue to use the word ‘literally’, and President Obama can suck it up.” Approximately fifty-three percent of polled Republicans agree with him, according to a recent survey. The final round of campaign ads is slated to air tomorrow night. President Obama’s campaign has been instructed – according to press releases – to only use the word ‘figuratively’, but as that will probably make their advertisements clunky beyond belief, we can all sit back with a cold beer and enjoy a pre-election laugh.

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ATHENIAN The Super Duper Mega Awesome

CAPTION CONTEST! Take a good look at the photograph below, and then send us a funny caption for it!

Whosoever thinks of the funniest caption for this photograph will win

awesome recognition and everlasting love (for an issue)!

Captions can be anything — summaries of what you think is happening, supposed dialogue, a sample conversation, — anything at all, just so long as it’s funny! We’ll announce the winner next issue, and then run both his or her caption as well as any others that we thought were funny. So if you want to try your hand at some humor but don’t think you can give a full article, give this a shot! Send your submissions, as always, to:

athenian@case.edu

Bread winner from last week: “Oh, thiiiiis is the night, it’s a beautiful night; and we call it beeeeella notte.” – submitted by (the) Anonymous

What’re

you waiting for?