Issue 70

The Athenian

“Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.�

Horror Issue 70 Tales

-Jean Racine

East Cleveland joins in on campus HvZ

4 The Real Disney Horror

8 Meet Stabby

14

Unveiling of the Spartan

15

Meet the Staff

The Goons

20

Melanie Sayre, Editor-in-Chief Carissa Conine, Managing Editor Raymond Krajci, Head of Design Austin Sting, Business Manager Contact: cwruathenian.com

The Science of Scary Movies

6 12

The

True Tale

of the

Japanese Horror Tales

Goblin King

FUN PAGE

Email athenian @case.edu

16 22

for more information

Kyle Patterson, Web Designer Annie Nickoloff, Copy Editor Angeline Xiong, Graphics Editor Jessica Eiermann, Ad & Event Manager Brad Ricca, advisor

Letter from the Editor October is a month of many things. With a fast search, Google has no hesitation in reminding me that it is home to a wide array of events, starting with Sarcastic Month and Cookie Month, to Virus Appreciation Day and Evaluate Your Life Day. Despite all of these intriguing holidays, the one we always associate with this month is the infamous Halloween. Personally, it involves far too many clowns, too many sweets and too many pumpkins but, in that regard, I stand out like a dandelion in a field of roses – people love Halloween. However, due to this association, we’re taking a moment to delve a little deeper: what is the basis of this fascination with this wicked candy-filled holiday?

The truth is simple. We want to be horrified. We want to be scared.

We want that thrill of hopelessness. We are, bluntly, masochists. But then comes the Hallmark mentality and we have our newest Valentine’s Day – suddenly, everyone can be anyone they want to be and attempt to scare the shit out of anyone they want (or seduce the nearest poor soul whilst wearing as little to no clothing as possible; this is, after all, the acknowledged “Let Out Your Inner Slut Day”). That said, we’ve scratched the surface, but why would we choose horror tales as a theme?

Besides our vow to not directly theme our issues after any holiday besides April Fools’, we wanted something a bit deeper and a bit more broad. Where is horror and where does it come from? What different types could we find? Could we find that monster under the bed? Shake out the skeletons in the closet? Was there any skeletons to begin with?

We would sure as hell try.

So here we are, dancing with skeletons and flirting with red pens, and bashing somewhat on Disney (if you love Disney, you might want to skip page 8). We hope that this will entertain you as much as it entertained us, and we’ll see you soon for our next issue in November.

Melanie Sayre Editor-in-Chief

The Athenian’s Guidelines: 1) The Athenian is a semi-anonymous publication. Names can be printed at the wishes of the contributor. If not, a pseudonym is used. All contributors’ names are printed on page 22, but aren’t necessarily connected to any article.

2) The Athenian does not harm any clowns in the production of this magazine. We just make sure that we burn every last wig.

3) The Athenian is released on the first Friday of every month. The firm deadline for submissions (including articles, photoshops, and ad requests) for Issue 71 is October 14th, 2013.

Next Brainstorming Meeting: Monday, October 7th - 6PM to 8PM, Media Board Room Next Production Meeting: Friday, October 11th - 12:30PM to 2PM, Media Board Room To order food, go to http://tinyurl.com/ athfood or email mfs71@case.edu

We still offer a 50 dollar submission prize and the 500 dollar semesterly contest. Find out more about this contest on page 22, as well as last semester’s winners!

Proud member of the University Media Board since Hundert.

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The Athenian

East Cleveland joins in on campus Humans vs. Zombies game Reported by Rowan Wilde As part of Case Western Reserve University’s outreach program, the Big Games Club opened up the popular zombie apocalypse survival game, Humans vs. Zombies (HvZ), to the citizens of East Cleveland.

HvZ Core, the board of students that organize and run the game, thought that HvZ would be the ideal opportunity to integrate the neighboring communities and develop a mutual friendship. What they were not expecting, though, were the many complications and horrors that ensued.

“We experienced our first road bump during the practice mission,” said a Core officer. “There was a little confusion about the gun modification rules.”

Several East Cleveland players had painted their hand guns to look like Nerf guns thinking that this modification was acceptable since it did not resemble an actual gun. Fortunately, the experienced Core members were able to identify the real weapons and confiscate them before the start of the mission. However, the confiscation of the real guns failed to prevent blood being spilled.

During the practice mission, eighteen students were transported to the local hospital with horrible contusions, broken bones and minor

puncture wounds. HvZ Core officers confirmed that no real bullets were shot, but that the Nerf bullets that came from modified Nerf guns owned by East Cleveland players were the cause.

“Quite frankly, we never knew a Nerf gun and soft, foam bullets could have that much power, and we’re engineers!” stated the Core officer.

When East Cleveland player Mike Carpenter was asked about the injuries during the practice mission, he did not seem concerned.

“I’ve had worse,” said Mike Carpenter.

“A Band-Aid would have done just fine.”

All eighteen students were released from the hospital and will make a full recovery, but they were just the first of many to come.

After further restricting the gun modification rules, the real HvZ game began at midnight on October 2 with Core-approved Nerf weapons in all humans’ hands. The first two days went by normally, but as the zombie count increased rapidly, HvZ Core began to experience their next challenge.

Many of the human East Cleveland players had begun to build barricaded forts out of the various sculptures around campus, stockpiling food from other campus club events as well as ammunition. Because they had no classes to distract them, this gave them the advantage over student players.

While they could have used this advan-

tage to help other humans coming out of buildings, instead the East Cleveland players chose to ally within their own groups, and had no sympathy for the student humans.

“We have had some players take this game pretty seriously before, but nothing like this,” said the Core officer about the sculpture forts. “I mean, these guys make the professionals seem pathetic.”

“This isn’t fun and games,” said another hoodie-clad player who remarkably resembled many security alerts. “This is survival of the fittest, and I’m not about to get chomped.”

And survival of the fittest it has become.

Human CWRU student players have reported many instances of being mugged for Nerf weapons, darts, and socks by some of the East Cleveland players. Even some non-player students have been targeted by these muggings.

“It’s not so bad,” said a lonely CWRU nerd who had been mugged for his socks.

“At least they are just taking your socks and not your laptops anymore.”

There have been some cases of retaliation from the human CWRU students, but all reports of mugging from East Cleveland players have been ignored by the local police and CWRU’s Police & Security Services. None of the culprits have been caught due to the students’ inability to provide a description of their assailants beyond the generic security alert and a neon green bandana.

Meanwhile, there have been speculations on the motives behind opening up the game to the East Cleveland players in the first place. One pre-med student suggested the hospital was hoping to boost revenue.

Another student, a cynical EECS major, commented that it just showed how desperate campus activities leaders have become to boost involvement.

With only the final mission left to go, everyone is wondering how the game will turn out. Will there be more bloodshed?

Will the East Cleveland humans’ stockpile of ammunition be enough for the humans to defeat the zombies or will they be eaten?

The only thing that is for certain is that Humans vs. Zombies will never be the same again.

cwruathenian.com

5

CAT

ATH

“Hats”

Wormhole scare at Peter B. Lewis draws police, astrophysicist experts Reported by Winchester Mac Cionaodha SWAT teams swarmed to the Peter B. Lewis building last Friday shortly before 2:00 p.m. after a philosophy student frantically called the police from his cell phone believing he had been sucked away to a strange land. After reporting that he had entered a barren, deserted terrain, filled with wavy, rounded versions of real world structures, authorities closed the surrounding area in hopes to avoid more casualties.

Witnesses say that the situation could be described best as tense, as police contacted astrophysics experts believing the worst; that the student had absentmindedly been sucked through a wormhole.

After leading astrophysicists were rushed to the scene, initial gravitational readings from the area indicated that an extreme pull was coming from the building.

Crisis teams were assembled whose goal was to bring the student home. There was debate over whether saving him was worth the risk of anyone else getting sucked in, but scientists wanted to be able to study him since he was the first known person to ever go through a trans-dimensional portal.

Mission control was set up in the Mather memorial quad.

Dr. Bradley Ricca, obsequiously trying to gain The Athenian’s Man of the Year award for a second year in a row, volunteered to enter PBL, go through the wormhole, and grab the student to pull him back into this dimension. A rope was tied around his waist, and Ricca entered the building shaking hysterically in fear.

As Ricca walked into the building, however, he was mildly let down. There wasn’t a wormhole; the gravitational readings were later discovered to be an equipment malfunction. While the student’s claims of a trans-dimensional portal were false, the psychological effect that the experience had on the philosophy student was evident. He was found muttering repeatedly to himself “where are the 90 degree angles?”

After being ushered out of PBL by Ricca, who attempted to convince everyone that the wormhole was indeed real so that he’d still be a hero, the student was taken to an area hospital for evaluation.

His family was shocked by the situation.

“I never believed that anything like this could happen to my son,” the student’s mother said. “I always told him not to enter the PBL building. It’s a strange place.

I mean, what kind of people can stand so much concrete? My family would appreciate the privacy in this tough time.”

The Athenian

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WANTED DEAD or ALIVE

Wanted for:

Crimes against the university and

bad punnning.

APPROACH WITH GREAT CAUTION Armed with poor wit and highly dangerous.

Last seen in The Jolly Scholar stealing a bottle of whiskey.

$58,000 - Alive $60,000 - Dead

[ The Science of Scary Movies ] Trust Me, I’m A “Scientist”- Evan Martin BOO! Hahaha, I scared you, didn’t I? Hey, speaking of scary things, Halloween is coming up pretty soon, isn’t it? Scary costumes, scary decorations, and even scarier hangovers (though, to be fair, those usually show up on Nov. 1). Also, scary movies! Now, I’m not personally a fan of scary movies, but I have a lot of friends who are (and, statistically speaking, many of you probably are too). Have you ever wondered why people love watching scary movies? I have, mostly because I generally consider fear to be a negative emotion. But, as it turns out, there actually are good, logical reasons for horror movie watching— and, like just about everything else that humans do, it (mostly) has to do with sex. Yes, as much as we humans like to think we are special because we have big brains and whatnot, there really are many, many fewer differences between us and a group of horny bonobos than people like to think.

So, as you probably already know, fear has some physiological effects on the human body—namely, it causes one’s heart rate to speed up (because if you need to run away from a ferocious, murderous raccoon, your muscles are going to need extra blood to do it). But while you may suspect your brain thinks “AAAHHHHHH SCARY RACCOON!” and then directs the rest of your brain into “panic and run away” mode, it actually kind of works in reverse. Your brain doesn’t rationalize what’s going on—all it knows is that shit is about to go down, and you need to get the hell out of there right now. But—and here’s the interesting part—your prefrontal cortex (aka the part of your brain that deals with thinking, rather than feeling) doesn’t actually figure out why you’re all jacked up until after the fact.

In other words, the progression of events in your brain is “see vicious raccoon, crap pants, run away, rationalize events later,” rather than “see murderous hellbeast, rationalize why it’s dangerous, run away, crap pants.” Or maybe it’s “crap pants, run away.” I’m not sure, as I’ve started pre-emptively attacking all raccoons on sight with my flamethrower.

So, here’s where it gets interesting: Obviously, when you see something scary, your brain can put two and two together and figure out why you put so much effort into running. But, the physiological effects also cause any other emotions that you feel to be heightened as well, particularly ones that are impulse-driven, rather than rational. So, of course, when you and your hot date are watching that scary movie, your furiously pumping hearts are actually mistaking the horror of the movie with sexual arousal. Or, even if not sexual arousal, other things that in your experience have to do with the 4 F’s of life (feeding, fighting, fleeing, f-reproductive behavior) intensify as well. So yes, this means that it’s better to take your first date to a horror movie than a romantic comedy, because you can actually trick their brains into thinking that it was you turning them on, not the movie. Just try not to crap your pants—they probably won’t appreciate that.

Evan is the product of 85 million years of primate evolution.

He enjoys sports, Star Wars, living in Cleveland, and seeing the world as one giant science experiment with too many variables and not enough explosions.

cwruathenian.com

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Wax museums nationwide hit by worst heat wave Reported by Hallie Dolin in history; profits melt Within the past few weeks alone, there have been ten recorded instances of temperatures at temperate latitudes reaching over 100 degrees nationwide. Here in Cleveland, due to the air-conditioning paid for by tuition money and Case Western Reserve University students’ souls, the heat wave has had very little effect on productivity. Save for an unfortunate 30 percent increase in the purchase of Speedos at nearby shopping outlets, the general atmosphere within University Circle has remained relatively unchanged.

Around the country, however, wax museums are currently scrambling to tighten up their insulation as the heat makes a significant and visible dent in their money-makers. In particular, Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum in New York City has reported a 25 percent decrease in wax integrity and consistency since the heat fluctuations began. The museum’s statue of Harrison Ford in his iconic Han Solo garb has taken a particularly serious hit; as approximately 50 percent of the museum’s regular patrons are mouth-breathing nerfherders, attendance is proportionally down.

The Las Vegas and Washington, D.C. museums, which – located in desert and bog climates as they are – were built with protections against sudden heat spikes, have not experienced as much face-melting as New York has. Las Vegas, home to stars and starstruck fans alike, nevertheless has experienced some degree of malformation as tourists flood in to escape the heat. As Wash-ington is populated with wax figures upright walking around and talking, its museum holds less of a draw than the one in Las Vegas.

In each museum, though, as attendance declines and money drips down to the floor, one section has experienced an increase of visitors: Pop stars (who aren’t Harrison Ford, that is). Julia Roberts’s statue, according to a poll of New York and Las Vegas patrons of Madam Tussaud’s, “actually looks better with her face all soft and melty.” One fan, when asked to clarify, added that “it look[s] weird anyway, so this is a big improvement.”

In a similar vein – or lack thereof – statues of Lady Gaga, Steve Buscemi and every member of One Direction have been found to be the most popular at-

tractions at America’s wax museums since the temperature started to go up. Reginald Deiffendork, general manager of the Vegas mu-seum, has been asked a lot lately if a sealed room might be a better idea for those particular statues.

“Well, it turns out people like to see reality stars’ faces melt off, so there might be a market for that,” he said, shrugging. “We’ll turn the temperature up to 90 on occasion and let the celebrities’ faces take the heat.”

His punny suggestion has been echoed by patrons and employees of the franchise around the world, so it is quite likely that in the next few years, you will be able to watch Kate Moss melt into a gelatinous blob in the comfort of an air-conditioned room. In the meantime, readers are advised to drink plenty of water and stay out of direct sunlight, especially if they find their skin sparkling.

The Athenian

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The Real Disney Horror Disney movies are cute and child-friendly on the outside, but their origins stem from some pretty dark places. Whoever was the first guy to think, “Hey, let’s take these stories about death and turn them into kids’ movies!” was pretty morbid.

The stories aren’t bad stories—they’re just not children’s stories. But Disney was apparently mistaken, and the tales are further screwed up by embedding glossy messages (some would call these ‘morals’) into the stories. But if one were to really watch Disney films, it would become all too obvious that they’re not all about friendship and singing animals.

Here’s a crash course on what these childhood stories lied about.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” is actually one of the more accurate of Disney’s animated films. Quasimodo, the ugly bell-ringer of Notre Dame, falls in love with Esmeralda, a beautiful gypsy girl. Unfortunately for the unattractive Quasi, Esmeralda is hot, and according to the morals of Disney, pretty people just can’t date ugly people. (That’s obviously the best thing to teach children these days.)

As Esmeralda brings all the boys to the yard, the rest of the movie is a fight between all those boys for Esmeralda’s love. At the end, Esmeralda and Phoebus (the most handsome man, of course) hold hands, with Quasimodo third wheelin’ it behind them. It makes perfect sense; who would want to date Quasi? He doesn’t even have flowing blond locks.

The biggest difference between the Disney and Hugo versions is the ending.

In the actual The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo, the ending wasn’t quite as ideal. Phoebus dies, Esmeralda dies, and Quasimodo dies next to Esmeralda’s dead body… actually, pretty much everybody dies. Also, no one gets what they want.

Maybe that would make for a good sequel, on second thought.

Sleeping Beauty This is truthfully the most effed-up of Disney’s movie choices, but Disney finds a way to make the awful original tale kind of cute and pretty. In Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty,” Aurora, a princess, is cursed to die after pricking her finger on a splinter on her 16th birthday. However, three fairies counter this curse with a spell that will instead make her fall asleep, and wake up unharmed after being kissed by her true love.

Her true love kisses her, she wakes up, marries him and lives happily ever after.

But the Grimm version is like a really horrible sequel to “The Hangover.” In this story, Aurora is found asleep by the king, who rapes her. A lot. While Aurora is still asleep, she births two children and is never aware of it until one of them pulls the magical wooden splinter out of her finger, and she wakes up to a world that she doesn’t understand.

The king then probably has a lot of explaining to do.

“So uh… yeah, you’re like, a mom now. We cool though?”

Compiled by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle

cwruathenian.com

Cinderella Out of all the Disney princess tales, “Cinderella” has got to be the most glamorous. Where’s Fergie when you need her?

The tale follows the poor little slave who must follow her evil stepmother’s orders, but eventually sneaks by enough to fall in love with a prince and be carried away to a magical kingdom. … once again, it’s getting difficult to see Disney’s creativity here. A girl and a boy fall in love and they live happily ever after? She gets a really pretty dress? They look longingly at each other and get married?

Viewers have obviously never seen that before.

The Brothers Grimm version was a bit more original (and horrifying) than the Disney one. Here, Cinderella still has an evil stepmother who hates her and makes her do her chores, but she is also sold as a prostitute to earn more money and abused by her whole family.

Later, when the prince is trying to find his love with the classic “fit the shoe, get married” test, Cinderella’s two evil stepsisters cut off parts of their feet to try to get the shoe on. The prince notices because of their bloody socks and rejects them.

Hopefully that prince had those flowing blond locks, or it would never have been worth it.

The Little Mermaid Ariel, the dancing and singing half-fish hero in Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,” is a princess who gets everything she ultimately wants. Curiously enough, as per Disney usual, it’s a beautiful man that she turns out to crave the most.

Not, you know, a good job, or a long, fruitful life; but a boy.

Ariel finds her true love when she travels near the surface of the water and saves him. Later, she gives up her voice to get human legs, eventually marrying him and getting ver voice back at the end. Cue: Awwwwww The original’s not so much of an “Awwwww” but a “Well… that’s shitty.”

Just as the mermaid saved her sailor in the Disney version, the mermaid in the tale saved her sailor too. However, instead of seeing her face and recognizing her later as the hero who saved him, the sailor instead attributes his thanks (and love) to a nearby woman on the shore. The little mermaid, who doesn’t even have a name in the story, then jumps into the water at the wedding and turns into ocean froth. The boy probably didn’t even notice her death, and never cared about her love for him.

There’s no dancing dolphins or snarky crabs in this version, just some good old-fashioned rejection.

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The Athenian

The tables have turned; Grab-It grabs YOU Reported by Mugwump McMillionaire Last Friday, students at Grab-It were shocked to witness Jeff Wilson, 20, consumed by his own lunch. Wilson chose the meatloaf option as his entree, and witnesses say he was at the microwave with the meal just before the attack.

Carla Samson described the horrifying experience. “I was at the microwave, you know, just microwaving my turkey hot dog, and Jeff was standing right beside me, and then he opened the microwave and I looked over and he was just gone.”

Michael Williams had a close view of the creature that seized Wilson. “It was sort of globular, I guess; it kind of just oozed out of the microwave and overtook him.”

Morgan Hughes, friend of Wilson, commented “Jeff was a really great guy, I can’t believe this happened; monster food from Grab-It was something I never ever expected. I told Jeff not to get the meatloaf and go with the hummus or something, but he didn’t listen.”

It’s safe to assume that Wilson is regretting this choice, wherever he is. Witnesses were asked about the specific appearance of the creature and what happened to it, along with Jeff, but none could seem to recall the particulars or keep consistent stories. The aftermath of the incident left the lunch room smelling of sadness and fear, with stains of refried beans, despite the lack of beans on the menu.

Grab-It was closed for the afternoon, but reopened on Monday, cleared for any health concerns and other possibilities of other lunches animating themselves by Bon Appetite.

Bon Appetite representatives deny that any part of this event happened, saying “The Grab-It meatloaf did not consume a student. The Grab-It meatloaf is not a monster. The Grab-It meatloaf does not exist. You do not exist.”

In any case, The Athenian sends sympathies to the family of Jeff Wilson, who could not be recovered. A single left shoe was successfully returned, only slightly stained with meatloaf ichor. He will be deeply missed.

cwruathenian.com

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A new kind of horror book in CWRU bookshelves Reported by Sierra Blanton In general, many students do not enjoy, and in some cases dread, opening their textbooks and they actually use them with even less enthusiasm. Or in the usual case, they don’t use them at all. However, lately there is an even better reason that students are rarely opening their textbooks. Even those you find with their nose buried in pages at all times are keeping their textbooks clamped shut.

It is what is causing those ear-piercing screams heard late at night and in the early hours of morning. The screams that make one’s skin crawl and forces one to bite their nails nervously. Well, at least for those lucky enough to actually have nails to nibble.

Those who sound the terrible screams have no choice in the matter. For how can they chew their nails to nothing if they have no fingers any longer?

The now fingerless victims have told their woeful tales of the monstrous books lurking among the bookshelves of CWRU. Yes, that’s right. Textbooks are smashing down and chopping off students’ fingers

with their razor sharp pages – kind of far from the usual paper cuts.

Only a few accounts have been revealed so far. Actually, the amount of victims could be counted on two hands – if one has any left. These students have said that at first when they picked up their books, there seemed to be nothing wrong, but then the cover would sprout patches of fur and open wide, growling in between the crackling of the pages and snapping bindings as they chomp down through the bone, slicing them off. And then as abruptly as they attacked, the textbooks would rustle their pages (now soaked with blood) to flap and flop across the floor and squeeze under the doors. But no one hears them bang and stamp through the halls amid the screams of the student victims.

The terror of the situation is spreading and causing a massive strike on book use and the practice of finding any way possible to keep textbooks from opening of their own free will. Some use belts, others traps, chains and locked trunks. There was even one case of a book burial. If libraries were thought to be quiet before, then the silence now seems more oppressive than ever.

Rated #2 all-you-can-eat

by Scene Magazine!

Bring me in for a free dessert with purchase!

SUNDAY:

All you can eat wings, ribs tips, and fries!

To redeem, bring booklet to The Jolly Scholar during hours and present to the staff. One coupon per person, per visit.

After first use, box will be marked and coupon voided.

Mon - Thu: 11am to 12am Fri: 11am to 2am Sat -Sun: 12pm to 12am

The Athenian

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There once was a time...

The goblin king didn’t always thirst for the slime of eyeballs, sliding down his throat, pierced by his long claws.

Once, the goblin king was no king. He lurked in the ranks of the goblin plebeians, toiling under the cruel rule of King Ragnor.

Each day brought smoke and toil for hours upon hours; he worked creating gold statues of his royal majesty. The gold was stolen from humans, whose blood was often shed to obtain it.

But one day, the goblin who would become king began his day by traveling to the mountain’s surface. He sought to retrieve the gold for his day’s work. A new statue had been ordered; one of Ragnor triumphant in battle over his most recent rival, Zomedea. Zomedea’s allies had been few, and the uprising barely reached the king before she and her fighters were slaughtered.

This day, as our goblin went to work, his mind was on Zomedea’s failures. But when he came to the surface of the mountain, waiting for the delivery trolls, they did not come. Instead, a copper head emerged from the rocks. A human woman clothed in a dark dress brandished the sack holding

the goblin’s gold.

“It is mine,” she said hoarsely, and as she spoke blood shook from her body and her weapons. “But I come to make an offer.”

The goblin drew his knife and bared his teeth, but as he did she brought forth a smoking, circular device.

“I hold the power of the gods,” she hissed. “For I have split the atom, and if you kill me now your mountain will fall.

“I seek to destroy King Ragnor… he has killed my brothers,” and the words oozed from her throat. “If you will help me, take me to one who is a worthy rival, to lead your brothers to victory against Ragnor.”

The goblin’s mouth stretched in a cruel imitation of a smile, and he responded, “That one is me.”

The princess was loath to believe him, and to test him she threw the troll who should have brought the bag of gold: it was sliced up and barely stirring. She commanded the goblin, “Destroy it.”

The goblin had no qualms about killing the troll; he found other beings repulsive and thirsted blood’s taste. But he hardly

trusted this human, and he lunged for her.

She was caught off-guard and fell, but as he sliced at her ankles she threw her strange ball, and it smashed into the side of the rock.

The ensuing explosion would have killed him had he not shielded himself behind the troll’s barely living body. Though the princess watched gleefully, unharmed, pieces of the mountain crashed past the goblin, lurking behind the troll carcass.

When the dust had settled, the two stood and faced each other.

“What you saw was the least of my power,” she revealed. “That was gunpowder. I had no wish to die today.”

That day cemented the alliance between the goblin and the princess. There was much animosity towards Ragnor in the mountain kingdom, and the two grew an army through trickery and coercion until the day came for Ragnor to die.

The goblin knew the human could easily win the battle. Nonetheless, the two had decided goblins would begin the uprising, making Ragnor and his peons suspect nothing more than something like Zomedea’s pitiful attempt.

And so the fight began. Goblins roared, blades crashed and the mountain echoed with the sounds of vicious death. The goblin sighted Ragnor high at the mountain’s peak, hissing as he slashed away attackers.

The goblin fought his way to Ragnor, who he sought to kill before the princess landed her “nuclear power,” which he only understood would kill Ragnor’s allies.

The goblin reached Ragnor as he was turning away from a conquered foe, and both sounded their battle cries. Neither could draw blood from the other until the goblin lunged too far in a slice for Ragnor’s leg. He slipped, and found himself clinging to only the edge of the mountain. Below his dangling feet, the battle raged.

cwruathenian.com

The

Tale of the Goblin King

Ragnor leered over him, grinning.

“Goodbye, my servant,” he hissed, leaning in close. His face was inches from the goblin’s.

And that was as far as it needed to be for this goblin to open his jaw and sink his jagged teeth deeply into Ragnor’s eyes, a stronghold to pull himself up by. Ragnor’s eyes were ripped apart as the goblin did so, and the sudden flesh slid down his throat, renewing the goblin’s strength.

The tyrant cried out - his pitiful last act before the goblin who was now king threw Ragnor off the cliff, all the way down the mountain.

“Your king is dead!” he bellowed, standing atop the mountain, looking down into it. The battle dimmed as Ragnor was seen falling, ripped and ruined, past all who fought. “Long live the king!”

The clamoring yells of those below had just begun when the goblin king heard something much heavier than Ragnor falling, and the world ended in a flash of light and the sound of death. Screams and bodies ripped into pieces flew past him as the goblin king was knocked away from the mountain.

The goblin king awoke on shards of rock and gold. When he looked up, the sky was empty.

The mountain was destroyed, but the princess stood above him, covered now in streaks of blood and grinning as mercilessly as a goblin.

“It is done,” she said, “I have destroyed your king and your people… now only you remain.”

The goblin king struggled to rise, to enact revenge, but he was pinned beneath the fallen pieces of the mountain.

The princess leaned in, and blood dripped from her hair as she whispered, “Live. Tell others of how I have destroyed the goblin race.”

But she, like Ragnor, drew too close… the goblin king ripped her eye from its socket and she screamed, pulling away.

While the goblin king still could not move, he watched vindictively as the princess stumbled, still shrieking and clutching her face.

A residual avalanche tumbled down at that moment, separating the princess and the goblin. But her face was forever frozen into his mind. To this day, he lives vengefully, taking eyes from those he encounters and eating them, savoring the taste.

Someday, he has vowed, the goblins will rise again. Until then and forevermore, he remains king of the goblins.

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The Athenian

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Meet Stabby the reclusive clown

A lone light bulb flickers across the room, casting a fleeting orange glow onto the otherwise darkened supermarket. Blood splattered everywhere—or is that ketchup? Oh god, don’t let them see you. The horror, the horror!

Slashy the Clown wouldn’t be able to say how he ended up haunting a run-down Whole Foods— maybe he was always here, who knows. Really, the store found him. Sure, it was a pretty good gig—who wouldn’t enjoy haunting a health food store, spooking pretentious customers by day and snacking on organic, low fat pizza rolls by night—but something just wasn’t right today. He knew the layout of the store by heart, but something was out of place tonight. Someone…or something… was there, and they weren’t supposed to be. This was his store to haunt, damnit!

Was it another clown? No… it couldn’t be. His people had long since been exiled to the forgotten lands known as Saskatchewan, cursed to dwell in its frozen corn fields for all eternity. Except Slashy.

Slashy had a troubled history as a creepy clown, for he had a terrible, hidden secret. Years before the exile of his people, Slashy had discovered that another clown in his troupe—he dare not speak his name aloud—had tried to…to…oh, it was too horrible! Slashy could not even bring himself to dwell on the horror of what had occurred, but he knew this clown had to be stopped, lest their entire troupe be destroyed. In the end, Slashy stopped his enemy’s nefarious plan, but his actions were misunderstood by other members of his troupe. And thus, Slashy was cast out, and made to wander.

A spilled box of

Written by Evan Martin

non-genetically modified cereal on the floor?

How did that get there? Slashy felt drops of sweat moisten his brow. He looked over his shoulder, but saw nothing other than the free range poultry and beef. He hurried his walk, and hid under the display of stone ground crackers and cheese.

“Hello, Slashy. I’ve been waiting for you, my old buddy,” sneered a familiar voice.

Slashy shrieked. He rolled out from under the table, his huge clown shoes catching a leg, sending a glass container of goat cheese spread to the floor, where it quickly shattered into many dozen shards.

“Now, now, my old friend. That spread costs $13 per jar… you don’t want to waste it,” boomed the voice, deep and taunting.

Slashy quickly rose to his feet, and eyed the figure who had suddenly appeared. And what he saw, he couldn’t believe.

“Stabby the Clown! I thought you were dead.

Run over by a Zamboni in Saskatchewan, all those years ago!” Slashy was so surprised, the words almost seemed to form themselves.

Stabby chuckled. “You’ve been gone for so long, old Slashy. A mere Zamboni is not enough to end me. But enough small talk over goat cheese, my boy. I have come to kill you, Slashy. For what you did to me.”

Slashy’s face turned white…but nobody would have been able to tell underneath the pasty clown makeup. He turned, tried to run down the organic body care aisle, but Stabby suddenly appeared in front of him. There was nowhere to run. Stabby laughed evilly, as he drew his clown knife, and closed in on Slashy, who lay motionless on the floor.

“And now Slashy, for stopping my brilliant plans all those years ago, it is time to die. Any last words?”

Before Slashy could speak, he heard the distance roar of a motor, gradually growing louder.

Suddenly, a huge metal rectangle crashed through the shelves, flattening Stabby beneath its enormous chassis.

The driver of the contraption looked down at Slashy, who found himself able to move once more.

“Thank you,” Slashy said to him.

“You’re welcome, Slashy,” said the driver.

“Now please, join me. Your old friends of Saskatchewan await you.”

And so Slashy rode away upon the Zamboni, never to return to the (formerly) haunted Whole Foods again.

Do you know who’s in your Whole Foods store?

cwruathenian.com

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Robin Thicke inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Reported by Bill Lohny answered the ever-present question: “What rhymes with hug me?”

Reactions to the induction have been mixed. “This song is great. So catchy, especially that ‘hey, hey, hey’ part!” said international student Dum Gai, who still has trouble understanding the lyrics to “Blurred Lines.” Many had different reactions to the announcement.

Other critics believe the induction will go to Thicke’s head, and worry that future music videos will further overemphasize his “D.” Regular inductions to the Rock Hall ended in April, prompting The Athenian to question the selection committee about the out-of-season induction.

“Yes, we planned on inducting Thicke a very long time ago,” said the unanimous committee. “We love his work for ‘The Wheel of Fortune,’ and couldn’t wait for some game show musicians to enter the hall of fame!”

Once it was explained to the elderly committee that the theme song to “The

Unveiling: Babs is the Spartan!

Case Western’s mascot, Spartie, is the most honorable position to hold on campus.

It only makes sense that the second most important person (the campus president) would be interested in moving up to become the real boss.

CWRU President Barbara Snyder has made numerous strides since taking the esteemed position in 2007, but nothing compares to the peppy power that only Spartie is able to initiate within the student body.

While Babs is busy pushing for different honors, she is also busy trying to steal the most important role here at CWRU: School mascot.

Recently, an undercover photographer revealed a photo of Snyder putting on the classic Spartie uniform, right before a pre-Homecoming mascot practice session. In the photo, Babs is about to pull down the foam Spartie head, but her face is still clear and easy to identify. Rays of dignity, honor and pride shine from her eyes as the outfit is completed.

“We’ve gained so many top ten honors,” said the undercover CWRU student photographer, who prefers to remain anonymous in case the secretive Spartie mascot overlords were to find out. “It only makes sense that she wants us to get in America’s top ten for school pep, too.”

Wheel of Fortune” was actually written by Alan Thicke, they looked at each other and shrugged. “Robin who?” said one member.

“Whoops,” muttered another.

This isn’t the first time the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame made a mistake. In 2008, it was only during Madonna’s performance at the inductions that the committee realized they had accidentally misspelled “Metallica.” courtesy hollywoodreporter.com

Early last Tuesday morning, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame selection committee announced that R&B sensation Robin Thicke had been inducted. The committee stated that their decision was based on “changing market trends and popularity forecasts,” as well as “the rejection of the idea that artists should be excluded from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame simply because they don’t play rock and roll.”

The news has caused millions of inattentive teen girls to scream out in glee, while feminists and people with dignity have reported that they don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Asked how he felt about the recent decision, Robin Thicke replied “I’m glad the selection committee understands my lyrical beauty.” He also referenced his hit music video “Blurred Lines,” when he added, “Robin Thicke has a big D,” and threw in a seductive wink.

Reporters probably should have gotten more from him; but at the time they had to excuse themselves in frustration before he

The Athenian

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[ The Japanese Horror Tale ] Well, There Goes Japan - Shinichi Atatakakunakattakara There are many strange and interesting mythological and urban legend traditions in Japan, and you’re probably familiar with a few of them. The tales emerge, time and time again, in different forms. Stories that children tell. Horror films. Urban legends. Mythology. The Japanese have been called the most literate people on record with more than 97 percent literacy, while their culture also devours more stories, comics, literature, and news than any other people. That point is well-established, but why the Japanese tell the stories that they do (be they strange, true, or utterly terrifying) is unknown.

We just know they do. To share just the surface of this world with you is my single goal.

You’re walking alone in the late evening twilight. You’re on your way home, and just as you think it’s gotten a little darker than you intended and that you really must be hurrying, you notice her. Ahead of you is a woman, walking towards you. Has she been there all along? Did she just arrive?

As you approach, you notice that she’s wearing a surgical mask, a common custom for the Japanese when sick or in allergy season, and think nothing of it. But then she speaks: “Do you think I’m pretty?” You’re shocked and don’t respond. She’s lowering her mask.

What’s beneath? Just a mouth? Teeth?

She suddenly jerks it away, revealing a long, jagged cut extending her mouth from ear to ear, crusted with blood and splitting with her words: “Do you think I’m pretty?” Who could lie to such a hideous abomination of a face? It hardly looks human. It is human, right? A glint of light reflected from her waistline draws your eyes down and your heart races as you see her left hand holding a bundle of incredibly sharp scalpels. In her right, a single sharp instrument is stained red. Fear overcomes you. You have to respond.

So what did you say? This common legend is used to scare children into making it home on time when it gets dark out. And even though Japan is one of the safest nations in the world, (incredibly low crime, especially violent

crimes and homicides) mothers want children safe. Kuchisake onna (The slit mouth woman) stalks the night looking for children alone. Her question is basic, but your response is key. If you say yes, she knows you’re lying and will slit your mouth like hers. Only bad children lie.

A no, however, is disrespectful and will also earn you a painful, flesh-rending punishment. The key, then, lies in confusing her. Depending on who you ask, telling her she looks average or simply running away without saying anything will work to confuse or out maneuver her. True to Japanese fashion, however, the best way to avoid her is to tell her that you have a pressing engagement to get to and that you simply don’t have the time to talk.

Another traditional horror story is that of the red mantled man. He waits in the girls’ bathroom for a woman to enter, to ask, “Would you rather have a red coat or a blue coat?” A ‘red’ answer leads to a bloody death by decapitation, while saying ‘blue’ earns you suffocation by his pale hands. The obvious answer is to name some other color, right? Wrong.

Any other color will cause the floor to fall out and a thousand white arms to drag you into hell. Some traditions, however, reveal that an answer of yellow gets you drowned in urine. It’s never said outright, but supposedly running means he’ll be waiting in every bathroom for you.

These legends go on and on. A woman who was cut in half by a train drags herself around with her arms and cuts children. A snake woman. A man in a red mantle that kills people in bathrooms.

Pillars that are human. No doubt the reader has heard of “The Ring” and “The Grudge,” both adapted from Japanese horror films. Horror is all around Japan, and their strange stories stretch beyond the gross and grotesque. Remember to watch out if you’re alone, and that evil never really suspects clever responses.

Sayounara bromodachi.

Shinichi Atatakakunakattakara, despite the name, is an American citizen, not a foreign exchange student. His parents disowned him three years ago when he received a grade of ‘B’ in a certain professor’s MATH 122 class,

*

* Your ad here .

Contact us for details:

Austin.Sting@case.edu

cwruathenian.com

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Unseasonable weather causes “worst student-led battle in history” Reported by Hallie Dolin Twenty-two Case Western students were rushed to University Hospitals’ emergency room yesterday when the normal sidewalk from south campus to the Mather heating vent turned into an unprecedented stampede. A capable team of EMTs dispatched from UH proved their worth in a stressful situation when they managed to soothe their injured classmates, many of whom were freaking out the entire time about missing a Biomechanical Engineering exam, during the rides to the hospital.

Although – fortunately for the school’s endowment – there were no deaths, an ER nurse who prefers to remain anonymous claims the students as a whole exhibited “the worst collective case of multiple contusions that [they have] ever seen.” There has been no official statement on the behavior, but there has been speculation.

Sophomore English Translation major Ana Pestiche, who was rescued from the bottom of the human pyramid that formed

by the vent, has yet to be released from treatment for her severe concussion. Other victims of the accident sport such varied injuries as black eyes, elbowed livers, dry skin and one particularly memorable case of a sprained patella.

What could have caused such an unreasonable number of Case Western’s best and brightest to lose control? CWRU meteorologist David Chappelle, who moonlights as a history professor and was at the scene of the accident itself, thinks he has the answer. “We all know Cleveland weather is schizophrenic,” he told reporters for The Athenian, “but this year, it’s been ridiculous. It was a hundred degrees a few weeks ago, and now it’s fallen below ten – that’s in Celsius, of course, not Fahrenheit. Stupid, outdated system.”

CWRU’s actual Meteorological Science Department, which was careful to dissociate from Chappelle in its official statement on the matter, agrees that not only was the

weather almost certainly the cause of the student pile-up, but that a rash of injuries nearly as severe had taken place several days before as temperatures shot up past 50 Celcius.

“It’s just that no one noticed,” said a department representative, “because it happened in the Nord computer lab, and students trample each other to get to the printers all the time. That’s the coldest air-conditioning on campus, you know.”

Upon further investigation, it has been found that the university was not guilty of negligence in the case of either set of injuries, but rather was simply unaware that people were getting hurt – not a prosecutable offense under campus bylaws. Any plans (of which, The Athenian is completely unaware) to take on the university in a class-action suit will be shot down immediately. Donations to help the victims of the vent accident are acceptable, though: BandAids only.

The Athenian

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The plot to destroy Wikipedia Reported by Anastazia Vanisko Despite the protests of billions of dedicated users, Wikipedia has finally switched to subscription only. This has created yet another unstoppable internet monopoly, and rumor has it that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales will be spending the money from subscriptions on his own reasonably priced private island.

This news has been traumatic to everyone. One frazzled student, who prefers to remain anonymous, described how she learned the news. “I realized my paper was due the next day. I know that teachers despise Wikipedia, but I assume they secretly use it like we do, and that it would be fine to use just this once. When I was redirected to a signin page for subscribers, though, my heart just shattered.”

This is not an isolated incident.

Thousands of heart-broken students have had to pull all-nighters as a result of this highly unpublicized change in policy. This writer may or may not have been one of them.

This begs the question: How did the benevolent Wikipedia transform into a greedy monster? Many may remember the banner across the top of articles asking for money a few months ago. If not, it may be because it was a paragraph long, and no one has the time to read anything that long these days. The banner asked for five dollars from everyone that used Wikipedia so that the site could avoid resorting to pop-up advertisements for funding. Unfortunately, the banner appeared suspiciously similar to a pop-up, another reason it may have been ignored. After all, internet users are experts at disregarding the incessant advertising in which most websites participate. However, going from internet ads to requiring subscribers is a big jump. Something with a much more evil intent was clearly at play.

A little investigation led to the discovery of quite the malevolent influence. An unassuming teacher’s union based in Cleveland, the Cleveland Teacher’s Association (CTA), forced Wikipedia’s hand by offering to pay all

of the money that it so desperately needed if it promised to limit students’ access. As for how CTA obtained the money, apparently there is a quite profitable maple syrup store owned by the leading members of CTA that sells to wealthy Canadians. For unknown reason, these Canadians also supported the downfall of Wikipedia.

However, what CTA doesn’t realize is that just because they didn’t have the benefit of Wikipedia doesn’t mean that kids today shouldn’t. As for Canada, no one is sure if they even have internet yet.

The deal between Wikipedia and CTA occurred a month ago, and within that last month millions of people worldwide have experienced outrage at the dramatic alteration in Wikipedia’s policy. College students have been hit especially hard. The Wikipedia of their childhood has disappeared, replaced by some unknown entity created by teachers and Canadians. The days when the site supplied knowledge for free are gone, and they may never return.

Many feel that they already pay too much for higher education, and the typical college student budget prohibits many from subscribing to Wikipedia.

Some students have decided to take action against this new injustice. Students for a Free Wiki (SFW) is a local group fighting to bring back the golden days of Wikipedia.

As a group, they especially encourage procrastinators and those too lazy to do actual research to join them, since studies show that those groups historically have used Wikipedia the most. A petition is currently in the works, and a mass national chain email will be sent to every student with a college email in the United States so that they can sign. There is currently speculation that an international chain email will be sent out, though there is also concern that this will create a high level of annoyance and a resulting animosity towards SFW. How the fight for a free Wikipedia will end is, at this point, up to the people. Numerous efforts are in the works, and for the sake of people around the world, hopefully this madness will end with a result that doesn’t require money being taken from checking accounts.

Movie disaster of 2013 Insidious : Chapter 2 Reviewed by Tejas Joshi Most cited from the first “Insidious” film is its creepy music. However, what critics universally find most impressive about the sequel is the revolutionary, genre-shattering nature of this newly-beloved horror film.

Almost subliminally, the audience is kept anxious from the start. Notably, the producers steer clear of blood and gore, aiming instead for a more suspenseful, hair-raising journey. The movie is full of unexpected plot twists audiences cannot predict. Also lauded by critics was how movie producers kept themselves from repeating the original “Insidious.”

“It was almost a work of art,” wrote one film aficionado, “at least in how producers used almost exactly the same storyline from the first movie and yet made it so different!

I was amazed.”

The dark movie follows the same family as the first “Insidious,” but the demon possesses the father instead of the child. Overwhelming themes of family, resilience and Ouija boards also have made movie-goers feel like this movie was really worth their time. This reviewer also felt that the demons were much more personified in this film than they have been in others, just another element really making “Insidious: Chapter 2” rise above this year’s films.

One can only speculate on how the filmmakers managed to lower the rating of this instant cult classic from NC-17 to PG-13, but the presence of children and enormous bribes must have both played a role. All agree, however, that this gloomy gothic story is horrifying, but often transcendent in its dark implications.

cwruathenian.com

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Professor mistaken for ghost, killed by wannabe Ghostbusters Reported by Winchester Mac Cionaodha Police are investigating the death of a professor following an attempt at a “scientific exorcism” launched by inebriated students last night. At approximately 10:30 p.m., a group of three students forcibly entered the A.W. Smith building. Having heard rumors that the building was haunted, the students snuck in and decided to exorcise the ghost by incinerating it. The “ghost” has since been identified as Doctor DeKay, a biology professor.

Freshmen Eric Shun, Ben Dover and Dick Head entered the A.W. Smith building from a back window and prowled the halls. When they found DeKay, the students attempted to exorcise him with their experimental ghost-catching devices. Said devices have been revealed to consist of a laser-pointer taped to a military grade flamethrower, both of which were fitted into a cardboard box with “super scientific ghost catcher” written on the side in red crayon. When questioned as to how they acquired the flamethrowers, the students merely shrugged and said, “Some dude on Craigslist.”

The students claim that they confused DeKay for a ghost because he was, “Old as balls [and] seriously looked like a skeleton.”

While The Athenian is unable to disclose DeKay’s exact age, we can say that according to records, DeKay had been with the university “a really long-ass time” and was due to retire in four weeks. “We used to send someone into the break room to poke him while he was sleeping because we couldn’t tell if he had died or not,” says Dr. Gutstein, a colleague of DeKay’s. “I hate their guts, but I can see why they thought he was dead.”

The students were apprehended on West 117th St. asking passersby if they were the “keymasters.” They were wearing makeshift hazmat suits constructed out of tin foil.

When questioned, the students asserted that they were “totes for real ghostbusters.” The boys claim that they found an online beginner’s guide to exorcism and had decided to master it to impress their friends.

“We saw this ad online that had pictures of guys holding tons of cash they got from

exorcising ghosts, so we knew it had to be true,” said Shun. “We knew this would totally get us laid, so we had to do it. Plus, it was only $49.99 per lesson per day! We just pooled the money we would’ve used for textbooks and had our ectobiology certificates in no time.”

In order to prevent such an occurrence from happening again, CWRU is sponsoring a lecture by the Stop Proliferating Incendiary Technology foundation [SPIT] in DeKay’s name. Foundation president Sally Liva will speak to the student body this coming Wednesday on the importance of SPIT. “We worked with Dr. DeKay in the past, and we are deeply saddened by his tragic death,” said Liva. “We want to students to know that Dr. DeKay meant as much to us as our own members. That’s right, Dr. Dekay meant SPIT to us.”

The Athenian would like to remind everyone that spreading fake rumors of hauntings hurt everyone involved and that it is not appropriate behavior for a CWRU student.

BREAKING NEWS: Straight A student crushed between library stacks Reported by Ellie Rambo Late Sunday morning, freshman CWRU student Annabel Hardy was found dead in the third floor stacks of Kelvin Smith Library. Officials believe she had been there since Friday afternoon, but explained that she was not found until Sunday because, to quote the report, “studying on a Friday night at the beginning of the semester? It’s not even midterms yet… I mean really.”

Hardy’s body was found squished between the moving stacks in the PS 2631 section, a scenario that many students report worrying about on occasion. A Kelvin Smith librarian reassured CWRU students in a press meeting that they should not fear the library’s shelving.

“It’s very unlikely that the stacks would malfunction like this, at least without someone holding the button down from the end of the aisle. We’ll look into it, I guess, but I wouldn’t worry too

much.”

The first-year student is remembered on campus as diligent and studious, and the SIs will miss seeing her at every midweek SI session. “She never seemed to need help with the material,” said the SI for CHEM 111. “I think she showed up out of amusement.

She seemed to think it was funny when the other students tried to solve the homework problems.”

Described by her roommate as ‘very quiet’ and ‘always caffeinated,’ Hardy was enrolled in engineering and pre-med track classes and planned on declaring her BME major later this fall. “Her grades were really good,” said fellow classmate Christie Agatha. “Almost too good, actually…”

She was a favorite with professors, as her perfect test scores allowed them to not curve grades.

“If she could get a 100 percent on every

quiz and test, why couldn’t they? Sure, she probably studied all the time, but isn’t that what CWRU is about? She did so well that there clearly was nothing wrong with my test’s difficulty level,” said one professor.

Another professor reports that he had his TAs use Hardy’s test as the key, because “her responses were perfect. I don’t think she ever missed a single question.”

Hardy did not have many close friends on campus, especially after test results started coming back. “She didn’t gloat about her grades, exactly,” said her roommate, “but she didn’t hide how well she did, either. She thought she was better than the rest of us. She didn’t say that, but we always got that feeling from her.”

A CWRU Security Alert was not issued when Hardy’s body was found, as the incident did not involve phone theft.

There are suspects being held in custody.

For further updates on this breaking news story, please visit cwruathenian.com.

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The Athenian

Meet the Staff

As the supreme cat ruler of The Athenian (probably more commonly known as the editor-in-chief), Mel spends most of her days sitting in front of the computer trying to steal the ownership of her hands back from her cats. She occasionally dabbles with actually making the magazine, when the chance presents itself.

Outside of this ironically serious job, she wishes to travel the world. Whilst already done a fair amount of sightseeing, there is no bounds to her desire to make sure every rock is unturned – unless they’re clowns. She’s deeply terrified of clowns and everything they represent (yes, this issue, particularly page 18, was slightly stressful for her).

However, she’s currently stuck at Case Western, fighting to get out of her senior year alive. She hopes that she can cure the violent epidemic of zombieism that is plaguing the campus before she leaves.

Raymond Krajci is a fifth year computer engineering major with a penchant for doodling. Somehow he managed to find a job at The Athenian as Head of Design. He secretly hopes this will lead into a wildly successful, lucrative career in art and not in engineering. This has yet to be seen, but he’s still hoping. He enjoys playing Pokémon and table top games, plotting big stories and cooking when – to be honest – he’s putting off his work. When he actually does the work, he co-publishes award winning comics with the help of his lovely girlfriend.

After a childhood surrounded by books, Currently, Ray suffers crippling anxiety about his impending cheese, and tractors, Managing Editor Carissa graduation into the real world where he finds zero job Conine left the icelandic tundra of Wisconprospects. This is probably because he hasn’t sin to brave the slightly warmer streets of looked yet.

Cleveland, drawn to CWRU’s alluring engineering department. Although someday Carissa will be a successful mechanical engineer who builds world-dominating robots, by that Austin started his life in the forest. He always loved to time, editing for The Athenian reach out and soak up the sun. A slow grower, he took will be just one more adventure years to reach full size before his time came. beside going to the moon, performing “Maple Leaf Rag” in His limbs were chopped away, and he was reshaped and Carnegie Hall, skydiving, and reborn. Austin’s rough exterior was cast aside and coated solving differential equations. with a new polish. Always supportive, he knew he could be there to keep others off the ground. His new purpose The combination of engineerwas clear; he now serves as the business chair for The ing and writing confuses some Athenian! people, but it really just means someday While often found tucked under a desk, or in a corner, Austin has many other interests and hobbies. When not cooking the books, he likes to provide a resting place for others. He is a senior accounting student, the treasurer of the SCUBA club, and vice president of programming for the Wolstein Society.

He loves to tuck into his desk at home, sit down to a video game and soak up a beer.

her robots will best you in physical combat and at wordplay. If anyone wants to get on her good side, they should tell her she has good taste in music, or about how much she reminds them of Emma Stone. Currently she spends her days teaching EMAE 160 students how to use machines and tricking people into thinking there’s a cat around by meowing realistically.

cwruathenian.com

As web manager for The Athenian, Kyle works to improve cwruathenian.com. This includes updating the site with the latest content, moderating comments, and deploying server-side updates. He is also seen working at various other campus organizations where his job description isn’t very different.

Outside of these places, Kyle works with Case Western Reserve’s Information Technology Services as a web developer, where he helps maintain various university-sponsored web pages.

In his free time, Kyle can be found dismantling the patriarchal tools of oppression board by board and sawing the foundation of a cis-dominant society in half. His latest goals include sending the hammer of the people’s will crashing through the windows in the racial house of servitude, seeking free equality and lulz.

We would like to give honorable mention to our advisor, Professor Bradley Ricca, and Hallie Dolin, Evan Martin and Pat Melvin for their contributions to the magazine over the years.

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In her younger years, Annie Nickoloff dreamed of becoming a garbage truck driver or professional saxophonist. However, neither of those worked out. She then chose something as equally fantastic and unlikely: writing. She applied to Case Western Reserve University (the obvious choice for English lovers) and now uses her undergraduate years to kill time before needing to make real decisions, such as what career to pursue, what the meaning to life is and whether eating that bowl of week-old Chipotle in the back of her fridge is a good idea.

During her college journey, Annie has met many friends of majors she had never heard of, but also people like her. She soon became acquainted with The Athenian, where she learned of other people who love to write.

All in all, Annie loves puns, food, knitting, and the city life. Despite the stigma associated with Cleveland sports, she is a passionate Browns fan and awaits their Super Bowl win eagerly.

Jessica has the fabulous pleasure of working with The Athenian’s most gracious and bodacious Editor-in-Chief, along with the ever-so-charming Business Manager, to get the word out to various businesses about this magazine as the Event & Ad Manager.

A CWRU junior, Jessica is a Civil Engineering major, specializing in Construction Management; someday, she will be in charge of planning buildings. Please, knock them down for her; she’ll just make more money building new ones. But, for now, Jessica is involved with several other organizations on campus, including the wonderful Phi Sigma Rho sorority and the Case Firearms Club (yes, girls can shoot guns too).

Occasionally, she waves foam weapons at her friends in Case Medieval Combat Club, plays oboe, and will often gear up to fight when Humans vs. Zombies rolls around.

Angeline Xiong, who spent most of her life living in Phoenix, Arizona, insists it has the best winter weather because it does not snow. Despite her aversion to the cold, Angeline is willing to tough it out to study Biology and Economics at Case Western Reserve University.

In grade school, Angeline hated writing and wanted nothing to do with it, but has since realized how exciting it can be. Although not a writer, Angeline is starting her first full year as part of the graphics team after creating a piece last year piqued her interest. Since she was young, she has always loved art. She started with colored pencil and oil pastel, gradually moving to oil painting, pencil, and watercolor. Although pre-med students never have time for fun, she strives to keep up her hobby as a graphics artist for The Athenian.

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The Athenian

Interested in winning prizes of up to 250 dollars at the end of the semester?

F UN PAG E

Enter the contest with one entry each issue by going to the link below (through your compter browser or smartphone via QR code) and vote for your favorite article of each issue. It’s that simple and you, the readers, get to determine the month’s winner of $50 and get a chance at at several different prizes!

Last semester’s winners were: Alexander Abbott - $250 John Gunderman - $100 Nicholas Badger - $50 Madeline Ermlich - $50 Shruthi Srinivas - $50 Diana Acosta - Hoodie Chelsea Wellmer - Hoodie

To enter, go to:

http://tinyurl.com/athenian70

________________

We’d like to additionally take a moment to thank all the contributors::

Either: A. Pokemon keep getting weirder.

B. I need to lay off the mac ‘n cheese.

C. My DnD group has no idea what‛s in store.

Alex Aloi Sierra Blanton Carissa Conine Hallie Dolin Tejas Joshi Raymond Krajci Josie Krome Evan Martin Mike McKenna Pat Melvin Annie Nickoloff Doug Oswald Ellie Rambo Joanna Rumbley Mel Sayre Anastazia Vanko Emily Wixted Angeline Xiong ________________

cwruathenian.com

ThE

ATHENIAN wishes you a

HAPPY

HALLOWEEN! Come to our next meetings!

We offer a free Scholar meal for just listening to us talk and chatting with your peers. We also pay for contributions to this magazine.

Next Brainstorming Meeting: Monday, October 7th - 6PM to 8PM, Media Board Room Next Production Meeting: Friday, October 11th - 12:30PM to 2PM, Media Board Room To order food, go to http://tinyurl.com/athfood or email mfs71@case.edu To get on the mailing list for reminders, please contact mfs71@case.edu

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