Issuu 88 by The Athenian

ThE Athenian

The Animal Issue

8 - Village charges mice rent 9 - Squirrel’s Day Out 10 - NSA stops chickens 10 - If fish had thumbs 11 - Interview with Chicken 11 - Aminal word saerch 12 - Political parties’ mascots 13 - Dating advice 14 - Destressing Lions 14 - Furry love 16 - Safari guide

Photo by Hans Hillewaert

Election 2016: Democrats break out in cat fights while Republicans actually get to debate Katherine Starr

Conchcord, New Hamstershir— Toadal pandamonium ensued at the latest Democratic debate. Within 20 minnowets of the debate, voters couldn’t help but screech their BuzzFeed facts and opinions over the debaters. The herd of foal voters accused Cillary Hinton of being an elephant in donkey clothing, while the brood of older hens bawked whenever the alleged Comoonist Sernie Banders spoke. These voters weren’t kitten around; the howling matches quickly devolved into brawls across the auditorium. It was the animal world—animal politics. As for Republicans, something seemed fishy when Tronald Dump failed to show up at the latest debate.

Yet with Dump’s followers silent as lambs, the other candidates had a chance to speak on relephant issues. Cred Tuz was the cock of the rock after the debate, but Republican voters certainly have their pick of the litter when primary elections begin. However Dump gave no fox, and assured everyone that he will run without a pack as an Independent if he is not elected to lead his Republican lemmings off the cliff. Dump likely could succeed according to the latest Gallop poll. Hopeful Democrats are counting on Dump to run as an Independent to divide and weaken the Republican vote. Dump’s specist rhetoric has created a hawkward situation for him, sending potential voters to support more

tolerant candidates. Some rumor that Dump is not taking this sealisouly because he is meant to make everyone vote for an actual koalified candidate and be happy it’s not Dump. Looking ahead, the Democratic primary is otterly unclear as the votes have been neck and neck. Some foals warn voters “not to trust Hinton because she’s a lion hippocrite.” On the other hand, older voters would find it “unbearable if a woman were not elected to roost in the White House.” However all Democratic voters have unanimously agreed on one thing: if Dump is elected as president, they’ll alpaca bag and move to Canada because they’ve given up on humanatee (until 2020).

Bhargavee Gnanasambandam In a recent interview with Saudi prince Muhammed Allahhuakhmed Akbar Malik, the extravagantly dressed prince stated his clear annoyance towards his financial advisors who recommended that he stop using the endangered species list when buying new pets. With an extensive collection ranging from the Yangtze finless porpoise to the south China tiger, the famous prince stated how important it was for him to have things that no other person has. His love for endangered species began when he was five years old, when his parents told him he was one very special boy. Malik even stated, “I have always demanded the best, and these animals are so rare, the world itself doesn’t even own that many.” A prince must, after all, only have

Photo by Adithi Iyengar

2 - Election 2016 3 - Prince unable to buy animals 3 - Snake Ralph Lauren model 4 - Ted Cruz reincarnated 4 - #Hippos 5 - Hamilton Hog 5 - Peta 6 - Types of endangered people 6 - CWAR 7 - Michelson-Morley mascot 7 - Birds and the bees

Wealthy Saudi Prince gets mad for no longer being able to buy animals

Snake replaces Ralph Lauren model

Issue 88 - The Animal Issue

the best. From a young age, Prince Malik was showered with everything he could have ever wanted. In the end, the only thing he wanted were the animals that the world no longer wanted. The Saudi Prince Malik began his collection at the age of seven, when he realized that dead were not alive enough for him. From then on, the collection only grew because, after all, live things are the best of the best. After every family vacation to exotic locations, young Prince Malik brought the rarest animal of that area back to his palace in Saudi Arabia to prove how special his family truly was. Prince Malik claimed that he can no longer give out his love to more animals around the world because everyone is jealous of him. “Everyone just

wants these animals for themselves, but no one can love them like I can,” he said as he pounded his fist on the table full of rage. In the world of Prince Malik, humans do not own the world, animals live in the world too. He even believes that animals should be left to live their own life. Malik’s crazy ideas even brought him to the conclusion that animals deserve rights, just like people. “These animals need love! Can’t you see? I just love them. I give them life,” Prince Malik explained with extra strength. Malik even lets these animals keep their own fur instead of using it on his new designer Apple watch band. He even believed that ivory belongs to the elephants not on a custom-carved bed frame.

Ted Cruz reincarnated as a centipede Story by Sabanrab Bocaj Photo by Alaina Lisanti Even after Senator Ted Cruz’s success at the Iowa caucus, many Republicans still had differing opinions on whether he would win the GOP nomination. However, both supporters and opponents from within and outside the party equally mourned his recent death. Even Donald Trump had fond words to share following the funeral service, which was attended reverently by all current candidates, saying, “I liked him, great guy. The new one will be even better,” speaking of the Cuban-American body double hired to replace Sen. Cruz in the campaign. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton remarked that she wished she could do something as simple to take back popularity and Democratic support from Senator Bernie Sanders and secure the nomination. Friends and family expressed their thanks to all who attended the service, but did not have to mourn for long, as it was discovered that their beloved Ted has been reincarnated in the body of a centipede.

Joe Langley, a caretaker at the Cleveland Botanical Gardens, told news correspondents that he discovered the Senator’s new form of existence while watering day lilies in the greenhouse. Langley said he knew in an instant who it was he had encountered, citing the uncanny resemblance, especially the large feeler antennae, Senator Cruz’s most notable feature of his robust, guapo Latino looks. Vogue is in the process of editing a new edition dedicated to his handsome rebirth. Heidi Cruz confirmed her husband’s identity, remarking that daylilies are his favorite flower. She currently visits him each day at a specially-made enclosure in the Washington, D.C. zoo, hoping that his recovery will come in time. “I speak to him, whether or not he can hear with his little arthropod ear holes. I just hope that something gets through,”

she said, “that he knows we just want him to come home.” Update: Since publishing, Senator Cruzipede has returned home with his family and is presently enjoying his now simpler and segmented life. His family keeps him in a glass tank full of foliage to hide in, with plenty of bugs to eat. His children plan to bring him daylilies every day when they begin to blossom, mainly as an alternative to hugging him.

Dubbed “#HipposHaveFeelings,” the campaign aims to bring awareness to the feelings of hippos, who have been subject of public hate for a number of reasons, most notably, their physical appearance. Hippos feel all animals deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, whether you’re a lion or a hippo. Hippos have been particularly aggressive towards gazelles, who jump and prance around the hippos, calling them out with slurs. Gazelles have always been treated as first class citizens by the other savanna animals, while hippos barely even get hunted by lions and other pred-

ators. Hippos believe that the way you were born should not dictate your standing in the animal kingdom, since the food chain is only as strong as the weakest link. The hippos refuse to back down until they gain more equal rights in the Sahara. They recently put forth demands that gazelles treat them with dignity and that lions begin to hunt them too. The hippopotamus population wants everyone to think of them as animals that deserve respect. However, they also feel that all animals of the Sahara, not just the hippos, deserve respect and proper treatment as well. #HipposHaveFeelings

#HipposArePeopleToo

Review: Hamilton hogs the theater Paul Palumbo

These days there seem to be a lot of people that insist there’s nothing interesting about history. Here to counter that assertion is the new musical sensation that’s sweeping the nation: “Hamilton”! Taking place during the first few years of the United States, “Hamilton” focuses on Alexander Hamilton, the Founding Father, as he tries to make a new name for himself and a new government for his country. Along the way he fights in the Revolutionary War, falls in love and even becomes the Secretary of the Treasury. What makes his journey even more amazing is that Hamilton can accomplish all of this with a brain smaller than a human’s and an inability to speak the language of men. While the musical is an inspiring tale of brave heroics and underpigs, the premise is still unbelievable. For one thing, there’s no way a farm pig could communicate with the politicians at any of the constitutional conventions or cab-

inet meetings. While Hamilton’s oinks and squeals flowed beautifully with the musical numbers they were in, his noises were overbearing in songs with more than one performer. Apparently it’s really hard to perform a duet with a literal pig. In addition, the love story between Hamilton and his wife Eliza was somewhat disturbing. At this point, every reviewer awkwardly snuck out of the theater mentioning something about a bathroom break. Despite its flaws, “Hamilton” still has many good qualities. Many of the songs, particularly the barnyard hoedowns, are well crafted and will stay in your head for weeks to come. The characters the audience can actually understand speak with great pomp and circumstance, something Hamilton himself does in his own way. And how the actors act! By the end, you will decipher all of the minor quirks

By Julia Bianco and ticks that turn a pig’s oink into a display of Oscar-worthy emotion! “Hamilton” is a treat for the whole family! Quite literally, as the pig playing Hamilton is cooked and served up after the final curtain call. I’ve you’ve never tried bacon spiced with a hint of thespianism, you’re missing out. “Hamilton” – 4.5/5

Michael Codega

SAHARA DESERT, SUDAN—The east Sahara has been in stir recently, with watering holes everywhere blocked by protesting hippos. These hippos are attempting to draw attention to their cause. Being forced to hear the protestors in order to hydrate themselves, many feel the hippos are employing aggressive, but necessary, tactics in order to get the giraffes on their level. In recent years, there has been increasing public resentment towards hippos, and hippos, who have finally had enough of the hate, are lashing back with a diverse social campaign. ADVERTISEMENT

By Letty Dornfeld 4

People that are going endangered Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley, Resident Nostalgia Correspondent and Professional Old People Translator Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I bring to your attention one of the most alarming crisis of this day and age. Your kid is doing it, your dog is doing it, even you’re doing it: changing. Is the presence of this virus not more alarming than #Kony2012 or even more alarming than the majestic clump of straw on top of soon to be president Donald Trump’s head? If this doesn’t alarm you, then you must be a hippie in rainbow tie-dye shirt with a peace sign on it that says things like, “Go with the flow bruh,” “carpe diem,” and “hakuna matata.” Change means the losing the people that form the backbone of America, like: Cigarette smokers – No I don’t want to vape or hookah with you, get me a cigarette. Will I die 20 years before you? Sure, but I die an American patriot. Scene kids – “Mom, It’s not a phase, it’s who I am.” Ever since

the death of My Chemical Romance, there have been less and less of these sad pandas wondering around. People with distinct opinions – We don’t all have to agree. I should be able to hate babies and yell at the neighborhood kids all I want without Twitter ranting about me. Gingers – Just because they have no soul doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to haunt the rest of us. Nobody is more patriotic than people who flow red. People who know how to use sarcastic irony – I write for a comedy magazine and I still don’t really know what irony is. Do you? If you do, I need you to contact me at (1–800 – GET–BENT) immediately, so you can educate me and make me better than most people. People that walk – Don’t those hoverboards look cool? Don’t get one! Stick it to the man and walk.

People who use the water cup to actually get water – These people are the salt of the Earth. The common wire lover – I miss wires, there’s something about tripping over them, being confined to one area, and having to untangle them all the time that’s just therapeutic. People who hate Justin Bieber – Bieber fever is back, and this time it’s not just infecting 12-year-old girls. That’s right, be scared. People who aren’t prepping for the apocalypse – EVERYONE should be hysterically stocking up on military grade artillery that they don’t need and moving out of the city into the middle of nowhere, because we all know that “The Walking Dead” is going to happen. Do your part, high five a ginger, listen to some My Chemical Romance, learn how to use irony, and maybe just maybe we can keep this nation great.

CWRU names Michelson-Morley experiment new mascot Story by Steve Kerby

Following a week of intense debate between the University Program Board (UPB), the administration and irate alumni, university president Barbara Snyder announced a new mascot for use in school functions and sporting events, to replace the Spartan that has represented the university for some years now. “It gives me great pleasure to present our new mascot, the lovable Michelson-Morley experiment and his sidekick, Photon Phred!” Babs announced, unveiling with a dramatic flourish a new statue that will grace an archway above the binary walkway. The gasps from the crowd, and the loud sound of choked laughter, surely represent the level of excitement for the new mascot. Michelson-Morley is an anthropomorphized representation of the famous experiment at the dawn of the 20th century that started the process of disproving the luminiferous aether and paved the way for Einstein’s theory of relativity. A recreation of the historic setup, involving mirrors and a rotating slab of wood, sits atop a representation of a globe for the three new costumes ordered by the school. Photon Phred dresses in a yellow skin-suit and runs back and forth in front of the exper-

iment, making loud buzzing noises. “The new mascot is sure to really drum up school spirit, and will accurately represent the university’s proud tradition of Thinking Beyond the Possible ™,” remarked an official pamphlet advertising the mascot. The choice of a new mascot was not unanimous, however. Some alumni were irate that the history of mascots that were living things was being discarded. “I mean, we had the Cats, the Rough Riders and the Spartans, and they all can have personality! But a scientific experiment that initially didn’t produce much statistically significant evidence for or against the aether? Preposterous!” exclaimed one alumni donor. Several students were protesting the omission of their suggestions, Tiny Tim from Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” saying that Tim’s crippled leg and impoverished state better represent the crippling debt and lack of good jobs available to CWRU graduates. “His sidekick, the Black Cat of Student Loans, is

especially relatable to the student body!” shouted the leader of the group, Bill Stickers. Nevertheless, students seem to prefer an inanimate object to a relatively emasculated Roman warrior. The new mascot seems to be well-received at student functions, with a crowd at a recent basketball game falling over in laughter when the new mascot tried to rile up the fans. “I simply can’t believe it,” stammered one fan, clutching her ribs from laughing so hard. The next few years are looking to be an exciting time, with Michelson-Morley and Photon Phred leading the student body in cheers.

The birds and the bees – Explained! Slar’rgron Baxla

The method by which humans reproduce is neither complicated nor extraordinary, and yet children and even some adults harbor great confusion and misconceptions about the process. The Athenian is tasked with educating the public on this issue, which is most crucial to the survival and wellbeing of the species. First it is important to make sure all the necessary ingredients are at hand. You will need: one adult female, one adult male (beard optional) and a glowing crystal of pure love. Once the materials are gathered, the ritual may proceed. The process begins in an Italian

restaurant, where both humans feed on a meal comprised of tomato, noodle, parmesan cheese and possibly the meat of an animal beneath themselves on the food chain. During the restaurant phase, it is important for each human to use their sophisticated vocalization capabilities to induce feelings of joy and humor into the potential mate, as this increases the chance of fertilization later. When the dinner is complete, the pair reaches an agreement about who will pay for the experience, and then they will leave the eatery and get into the male’s vehicle. The next phase of the ritual, the driving phase, is very important and

the attainment of reproduction hinges on its success. If the previous stage went well, then the humans should continue to partake in pleasant conversation throughout the drive until they arrive at the female’s inhabitancy. At this point, the duo will either press their lips together, signifying mutual affection or simply say goodnight and depart. If mutual affection was signified, then the female may invite the male into her apartment, which indicates that the ritual has succeeded! If the male accepts the proposition, then after a nine month gestation period a new baby human just might be born.

Village to charge mice for housing Riddhi Patel He is fat. He is furry. And he loves cheese. He is also your new roommate, and he is a mouse. That is right: you are about to have your housing costs split in two because of a little furry fellow – or two. It is no secret that the university has had a few mice problems in the suites in The Village at 115th. There had to be more than just skunks and squirrels in the campus ecosystem. Most students have seen them scurrying along and running quickly through their Village suite common rooms. You may have asked your GRM about them or heard from other friends about the little critters. You may have laid out a few traps for them and then caught nothing, making yourself believe you saw a little mouse run across your kitchen with cheese in its mouth. Well, you saw it. The university is finally acknowledging their existence in the best way possible – by making them pay

for housing. Hopefully your new mouse roommates do not invite their friends over and get drunk and pee on your couch. Wait, the mice are probably going to use all your toilet paper too – so you better stock up on those. They will also leave bread crumbs and eat all the cheese. Residents of the Village are somewhat relieved they will spending a little bit less than $10K a year to live in their suite-style dorms. We caught up with an upperclassman – who wishes to remain anonymous – and discussed the new policy. “I’m happy. I mean I thought I was crazy when I saw a mouse-looking-blob run across my suite and under the dishwasher. But then I saw it again and again and again. I knew something was up. If I had wanted to share my room with mice I would have lived on Hessler or on top of Blue Fig. However, the price discount is making this look a lot better. Hey maybe I can use the savings on Chipotle.”

The student was very excited about buying guac and not feeling guilty. The Village is old – it has been around since 2005. That is older than my cousin. He is 10. It would be expected that there could be a rodent problem. However something must be up when a building with the name “new” attached to its title has a fly infestation. That is right, the New Residence Hall has flies, and lots of them. So many that they are requiring the flies also pay for housing costs. Hey, now the students living in the new dorms can relax about the extra cost for their unventilated kitchens and fancy fireplace living room. These flies, unlike the mice which stay hidden, are pretty pesky roommates. The university is also equipping all the students in these dorms with bug spray and fly swatters. The school will also be offering a fly swatting class for PE credit. I know I will be taking it.

Photos by George Hodulik 8

NSA no longer accepts “to get to the other side” as a reason to cross the border Anonymous Source After a record-breaking number of chickens cited “to get to the other side” as their reason for crossing the U.S.-Mexico border, the National Security Agency (NSA) decided to revoke the passports of all chickens leaving the United States of America. American chickens are valued most for their undesirable position as the star of bottomless wing nights and Egg McMuffin sandwiches. While America’s pub industry attracts millions of attendees with such nights, chickens are slowly starting to realize their precarious position. Unfortunately very few humans outside of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals seem to

Josephus E. Tinkerdink McDuffle care about this. Since Texas is amongst the states that produce the most eggs in the country, it has seen the greatest increase in runaway chickens. When they reached the border, each said they wanted “to get to the other side.” While the border patrol pushed for a more detailed answer, they had no luck. The NSA was brought in to find out what was going on once and for all. Agents explained to the chickens that “to get to the other side” was too vague, but they were only met with a chorus of undecipherable chicken noises. In frustration, the NSA declared that saying “to get to the other side” will result in a

revoked passport. While the chickens have hinted that they are attempting to leave America due to the oppressive meat and egg industries, their lack of intelligence makes it difficult to know for sure. With the occasional exception, most are only able to articulate that they want to get to the other side. Most people theorize that the chickens only even know this phrase because they have heard their human overlords repeat the same bad jokes over and over again. What the chickens appear to have overlooked is that meat and eggs aren’t any less popular in Mexico than they are in the U.S.

If fish had thumbs By Letty Dornfield

Fish aren’t that interesting. Let’s face it, nobody has ever heard of Grumpy Fish or Moon-Moon the Fish. Kittens and sloths dominate the Internet while goldfish are flushed down the toilet. If fish had opposable thumbs, however, this would be so much different. Evolution does not strive to make animals the best versions of themselves; it only serves to help animals survive and reproduce in their habitats, sometimes only to the minimum standards. Not to mention that fish branched off the Tree of Life long before opposable thumbs came around, so I can’t declare a thumb war on Goldie anytime soon. But let’s just forget the last four and a half billion years, shall we? For one, the aquarium fish from Finding Nemo might’ve had a chance to get out of those plastic baggies at the after-credits scene. Then all the fish would’ve been able to join Nemo to help them find Dory in the sequel, unless Pixar throws their hands into the air this June and just throws them in Finding Dory without explanation. Animated movies aside, if their fins evolved to have small muscles in them, fish might’ve been able to pick up objects. Over time, fish might’ve become like the raccoons of the sea. They could learn to hold, twist, turn, and lift all sorts of objects. Who knows? They might even gain the intelligence to learn how to use tools. If the New Caledonian crow could use sticks as tools with only its beak, what’s the stop the fish from making something useful out of all that coral and seaweed? Is it possible for a type of intelligence to spawn from the fish’s new appendages? Could they learn over time how to make their tools more and more complex, up to the point 10

A conversation with the chicken who crossed the road

where they could go from building simple cutting tools to creating large undersea monuments? Could this possibly even lead to an entire marine civilizations such as the famed Atlantis? If so, does this mean that they could make powerful weapons as well to take over the world? My answer is no. Fish aren’t that intelligent, even with thumbs. Dolphins, on the other hand…

We’ve all heard the punchline, but we haven’t heard the story; at least, not like this. Recently, The Athenian had the opportunity to sit down with the chicken who crossed the road and ask her the questions we’ve been yearning to have answers to for years. While the interview took a dark turn, Chicken’s past was finally shared for our readers to understand. Athenian: How are you today, Chicken? Chicken: You could say my feathers are pretty ruffled. A: Hahaha, great punchline! C: What? A: I mean, right, sorry. What do you mean by that, exactly? C: Well, when you live your whole life behind a fence, it’s hard to feel okay about this. I’ve been sent right back to the coop I escaped, doomed to live a life I didn’t choose, one of laying eggs. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for any of this. A: Please, tell us your story. C: It started when I was hatched. It’s all such a corporate undertaking. Enslaving millions of chickens for their unborn young, and for what? Egg McGriddles? For much of my childhood, I wondered why I wasn’t some scrambled egg. Why was I chosen to exist? You start to lose your mind in there. I spent my entire life behind chicken

Photo by Letty Dornfeld wire, staring at the faces of hens like me, forced into a sorry existence. So one day, I had enough. I escaped the coop and I crossed the border. I crossed the road, into the other side, into the side of freedom. It was beautiful. Food that wasn’t processed grain, space that was larger than a wire shoebox; I soaked it all up until my arrest. They’re going to make people think I’m a criminal, and why shouldn’t they? I broke the rule, and I’m proud of it. A criminal; that’s eggzactly what I am.

A: Hahaha oh my gosh, stop it with these puns! C: What do you mean? A: Sorry, sorry. Do you have anything else to add? C: No. It seems like you’re really winging this interview. A: Hahaha, okay this interview is done now thank you, I’m sorry you’ve had an awful life. C: You’re an eggs-traordinarily terrible interviewer, do you know that? Thanks anyway.

Find the aminals! A word saerch by Julia Bainco AUNTEATER BARE CROCODIAL DEAR EEMOO FRAHG GRAYP HYPPOCAMPUS IGGYAZALEA

JELLYPHISH KAT LADIEBUG MOOZE NARWALL OTTRE PELLYCAN QIRAFFE REBBET

SNAYK TARANTUBLAH UCTOPAS VULLTUHRE WYZERD XYLOKERP YACK ZEEBRA 11

Political parties’ mascots Katie Starr

While many may recognize the Republican elephant and the Democratic donkey, not many know of third party mascots. We at the Athenian have matched mascots for major 3rd parties.

Dating advice Jessica Chalas

Have you ever started flirting with a girl and partway through your clever one-liner, she and her friends are staring at you like you have a parrot on your shoulder? Or maybe you planned a cute movie night for Friday, but when you told your significant other the game plan, he decided it was time to end it? Consider that maybe your dating strategy is too civilized. After all, you have to remember, the animal part of your brain is responsible for your basic instincts. And what’s more instinctual than dating and mating? If you want to be successful in your relationships, consider this carefully compiled list of aces to stack your dating peck – I mean, deck. • If you want someone to say yes to a date, remember to growl forcefully at them. Then it stops being a question. Of course they’re going to say yes. • When packing a picnic, you want to make it tasty and memorable. Fill your basket with raw meat – the bloodier the better – and head to the nearest park. The outdoor smells and the inevitable

flies will surely inspire a feeling of wild grittiness. • If you want someone to know you like them, you shouldn’t be coy. Best to let them know right away with some casual leg humping. • People like to know you appreciate them, especially in relationships. To show your significant other they’re important, give ‘em a big lick or two, preferably in an easy-to-reach location. You know, to make it more spontaneous. The face is always a good option. • You should nibble the ear of every person you find attractive. How else are they to know you like them? • A lot of people lose their partners to competition, because let’s face it, you can’t follow them to every class. Or most classes, if you’re sleeping till noon. To clearly give potential rivals the signal that you don’t appreciate their advances on your mate, take your significant other’s textbooks and rub your musk on them. The smell should keep your

rivals at bay during those unavoidable “group projects.” • Most people like to get little gifts from their significant others. It lets them know you’re thinking of them. But why waste your money on overpriced jewelry or some wonky tech doodad? Neither of those is inherently fun. You know what inspires happiness and fun? Tennis balls. Get them lots and lots of tennis balls. But hey, who am I to think you already have a significant other? Maybe this is your first time getting out there, pruning those feathers, baring those teeth. Next time you go to a bar, don’t waste time with inappropriate compliments, bad puns or witty repartee. Instead, do a little peacocking. Let them see how your hair glistens, strut about the club and thrust your chest out with great gusto and when you see them looking, shake those luscious locks and grin widely. And don’t forget those bright neon clothes, the brighter the better. Do a little dance (practice beforehand), make a little love and get that Black Beauty!

Photos by Barnabas Brennan

CWRU FILM SOCIETY P RESENTS

Marathon April 8th

Raiders of the Lost Ark Indiana jones and the Temple of Doom

7:00 pm 9:30 pm

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade

12:00 am

Join the CWRU Film Society for a night of adventure as we watch Indiana Jones battle against Nazis, rescue enslaved children and find the Holy

FILMS.CWRU.EDU

Photo by Adithi Iyengar

STROSACKER AUDITORIUM $4 for 1 Movie

Falling in love with a Furry: Lucy Wan

gestions led it to prompt me with a few additional questions. “Do you have any pets?” No. “Do you eat a varied diet?” I would say three different types of dessert is as varied as it gets. “Have you recently had sexual contact with a partner?” I looked over my shoulder to the man sleeping in my bed. I mentally congratulated my drunk self for managing to not be alone on Valentine’s Day and checked the box for yes. Then the questions got weird. “Did your partner attempt to pet or groom you?” I vaguely recalled a hand smoothing over my hair as I fell asleep. “Did your partner refer to sexual intercourse as ‘yiffing’?” He

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How I got ringworm The morning after Valentine’s Day, I woke up with an itchy, flaky ring on my forehead and a stranger in my bed. My social anxiety prevented me from picking up the phone and calling my doctor, so I went on WebMD instead. Ignoring the daily symptoms of “craving alcohol,” “desolate loneliness” and “excessive crying,” I checked off everything that could describe the burning red circle that had popped up overnight. The list of possible conditions seemed unlikely. I hardly ever ventured out during the day, so sunburn was impossible. I figured if it was a chemical burn, I would probably remember it. Rejecting all of WebMD’s sug-

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had asked me if I wanted to yiff, but I assumed he was from New Jersey or Texas or something. “Did your partner wear a fursuit during sexual intercourse?” Slowly, I realized the dive bar I was at last night didn’t have a mascot. Why would a squirrel be at a place called “Moriarty’s Pub”? The suit sat, mocking me, in the corner of the room. Its empty eyes stared straight into my soul. Horrified, I told WebMD to tell me my diagnosis. How many diseases could this person have given me? And how did it end up on my forehead? The page loaded up and a popup window appeared… “You have cancer.”

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Contributors Julia Bianco Barnabas Brennan Jessica Chalas Michael Codega Letty Dornfeld Bhargavee Gnanasambandam George Hodulik Adithi Iyengar Steve Kerby Alaina Lisanti Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley Paul Palumbo

Riddhi Patel Katherine Starr Lucy Wan Executives Annie Nickoloff Mahima Devarajan Beth Magid Tejas Joshi Sarah Lisk David Pendergast Anastazia Vanisko Julia Bianco Sarah Whelan J.P. O’Hagan