The DA 08 April Fools

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“Little good is accomplished without controversy, and no civic evil is ever defeated without publicity.” — That’s what she said.

Milan Puskar University

April Fool’s Day

Old people brief Several residents at the Morgantown Home for the Curmudgeonly blasted several City officials for “things costing more than they used to.”

Appearing at last week’s meeting, several residents hobbled into the courtroom with an “agenda to disrupt the meeting,” according to several unnamed officials.

“They just appeared out of nowhere,” one council member said under the condition of anonymity. “Sticks, canes and walkers as far as the eyes could see.”

“Things cost more than they used to,” shouted one elderly gentleman, who police have identified as 71-yearold Eugene Hubert. “Back in my day, I could get candy floss, a house, a twoseater boat and a Ford Model T. All for a nickel. Today, I can’t get leeches for my ailments for less than $15. This is all (President Herbert) Hoover’s fault.”

One woman blamed the recent economic woes on Wall Street for the financial crisis.

“Forty years ago,” 84-year-old Sandra Katz reminisced, “I used to be able to buy orange juice for half a clam. But back then, I was a real flapper. I used to go down to the dance hall and court the men while doing the Charleston.”

What relevance that had to do with the meeting remains unknown.

The rowdy residents were calmed down when city council members assured them inflation was beyond their control.

The meeting was adjourned after several new tax measures were passed only after council members were insisted to accept that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was still president.

— ddr

PRT to expand to N.J., Parkersburg

By David Ryan Opinion Editor

West Virginia University’s flagship transit service is to be “greatly expanded,” according to plans announced by WVU President Mike Garrison.

Beginning this summer, construction will begin on a $230 million additional station for the Personal Rapid Transit system that will see the Morgantown and Parkersburg campuses connected.

Another tentative, as-yet finalized idea, is to extend service to New Jersey to “deal with the influx of students from that state,” according to proposals outlined by the University.

“One of the pivotal goals of this University is expansion,” Garrison said at a press conference held at the Walnut PRT station. “We were thinking about how we could do that. We’ve got a competitively priced tuition that beats many outside, instate costs; we’ve got attractive athletic programs; and we’re known for our spirit.

“We believe we’ve found the ideal way to bring even more students to Morgantown without leaving appropriate time for the city to accommodate them.”

The station will connect from the downtown Walnut station and will follow the 112 miles

■ Border will let

Local weather: Today

By Leann Ray Editor-in-Chief

Wednesday

distance through Interstates 79 and 119. While the final location of the station is yet to be determined, it is expected to be placed in the middle of the campus at Campus Drive.

“We will be linked to our sister school, which will open a slew of new education possibilities,” Garrison said.

Parkersburg campus President Marie Foster Gnage highlighted some of the ways the connection between the campuses will benefit students at both University campuses.

“We don’t have a full journalism program,” Gnage said. “With this new connector, students wishing to pursue a full degree in journalism will have the same opportunities that Morgantown students have.”

The cost of the project is to be covered by a $1,000 tuition increase, which will begin at the start of the 2008-09 academic year.

As for the cost of the New Jersey addition, University officials are working with alumni in the area.

“The PRT was designed to be a convenient method of transportation for students,” Garrison said. “If we have a slew of students from the Garden State, why shouldn’t we put a station there?”

DAVID RYAN/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

See PRT page A5 A photo illustration of the proposed PRT extension into New Jersey.

Manchin wants state border WVU: Coach Rod businesses in, select few out of state

Rainin’ Men High Fierce / Low Hot Mess

Volume 121, Issue 125

Gov. Joe Manchin proposed a bill Monday to build a border around the state of West Virginia.

Manchin compared the border to the one between Mexico and the United States.

“We’ll have guards standing watch at all hours,” Machin said.

“We won’t be too picky with who we let in, especially if it’s a business. However, getting out is a whole other story.”

Manchin then went on to explain how he’s lived in West Virginia his whole life and truly does believe that it’s “almost Heaven;”

however, he doesn’t have much to compare it to.

“Yeah, I’ve been out of state.

But only to see our Mountaineer football team kick some other team’s behind at a bowl game,” Manchin said with a giggle.

“Of course, my wife and I will still be able to leave the state to go to bowl games, and our close personal friends will be allowed to leave as well: Mike Garrison, our congressmen and women who serve in Warshington, excuse me, Washington, D.C.” “Oh my God … I told you not to talk to the press until after you’ve consulted with me about what you’re going to say,” said Manchin’s spokesperson Lara Ramsburg.

“Whoa, don’t you talk to Gov. Manchin like that,” Manchin said.

“Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a very important interview? Anyway, I told the Puskars they can leave, too, as long as they prom-

ise never to close Mylan or fire my daughter,” he said this time with a chuckle, obviously tickling himself.

After listing a few hundred of his other close, personal friends, Manchin went on to explain if he would allow other residents out of state.

“The team and coaches will be allowed to travel for big sports, like football and men’s basketball.”

He explained that he thinks the women’s basketball team did well this year also, so he “suppose(s) they can go out of state to games.”

However, the Mountaineers may not have many fans at these away games.

“Yeah, I’m not sure I want to let fans out. We don’t want our students leaving the state and seeing states who actually have a high demand for teachers. As far as they See Manchin page A5

SGA’s president named ‘Burger King’ Managing Editor

Apocalypse High 666 / Low -666

Thursday

The Resurrection High 70 / Low 42

Index: News .................................. 2, 3, 5 Opinion.........................................4 Sports ..................................... 6, 7 A&E ...................................8, 9, 10

Contact Us: Advertising: 293-4141 Newsroom: 293-5092 Fax: 293-6857 danewsroom@mail.wvu.edu www.da.wvu.edu

By Heather Bresch Ph.D.

Documents used to grant an Executive Master of Business Administration to me, Gov. Joe Manchin’s daughter, in October 2007, nine years after I left West Virginia University, went missing for a reason, according to officials.

“Coach Rod shredded them,” WVU President Mike Garrison told The Daily Athenaeum on Saturday.

He said that I earned the degree but that alumni, including top donors, who were beginning to feel that standards at the University had grown too high – that too much was being asked of students – put pressure on the Athletic Department to again cater to their every whim.

So former football head coach Rich Rodriguez decided to ensure that WVU would keep its No. 1 Party School and No. 1 Their Students (Almost) Never Study rankings by undermining a growing

academic reputation.

The account seemed to put to rest doubts that University officials, including Garrison, my former classmate and employee, favored me by granting me the degree. I am the chief operating officer of Mylan Inc., whose founder, Milan Puskar, is a top University donor.

His account is backed up by a draft of a report from a panel of two WVU professors charged with investigating the matter.

“All documents pertaining to the degree were shredded by Mr. Rodriguez as he left the University in December 2007. Nothing inappropriate was done by anybody still at WVU,” a copy of the draft leaked to The Daily Athenaeum reveals. Three other members, all from out-of-state, were added after the leaked document was written, so it may not reflect the full panel’s final assessment, which is due out in 2012, See eMBA page A5

Students petition for a party major at WVU

By Kathryn Gregory Student Government Association President Jason Parsons has been bestowed with one of the highest honors any student body president can hope to achieve during their tenure in charge.

For his continued loyalty and outstanding service to the fastfood giant Burger King, Parsons has been named the honorary “Burger King” and will reign over all Burger King establishments that are situated on college campuses.

Burger King chose Parsons as the recipient of this prestigious award because of his continued dedication and persistence on having the Burger King fast-food shop placed in the Mountainlair while he held the office of SGA vice president under then-SGA president David Kirkpatrick.

During the crowning ceremony on Monday, Parsons handed out the decree that from now on, he would be known only as “Lord Burger King” and would answer to no other name.

He shook his scepter at the crowd to stress that he meant business.

Parsons has continually made it known that he is responsible for the fast-food chain coming to the Mountainlair, and never forgets at public appearances to mention that he, in fact, should be thanked every day for bringing such a healthy food option to West Virginia University.

“I am absolutely ecstatic that I

shredded eMBA files

By Andy Smith Design Editor

KATHRYN GREGORY/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

Student Government Association President Jason Parsons humbly accepts the honorary title of “Burger King” in an address to students and faculty Monday.

Parsons was so excited by the honor, that he had facial reconstructive surgery over the weekend, and now bears a striking resemblance to the company’s creepy mascot. have been chosen as the ‘Burger King.’ It was me, after all, that got the Burger King to open in the Mountainlair. Students wanted something healthy, like Subway, but I knew that the king of all burgers would have a happier home and warm place among the hearts of students in the ’Lair than the average sandwich shop,” Parsons said.

An awards ceremony was held on Monday to pass Parsons the golden paper crown of Burger King, with a special SGA emblem emblazed on the front of the crown.

Parsons, who was beyond

thrilled for the ceremony, decided that he should dress for the occasion and had reconstructive surgery over the weekend to make his face more “plastic” and “king-looking.”

“Jason now resembles the King, in all of his Burger glory. At first, I was scared about the plastic surgery changes and worried that it might taint the wholesome image that we worked so hard to achieve during this tough campaign season, but the new Kingface makes Parsons look much more regal and in charge,” said See Burger King page A5

For some, parties are reserved for weekend events.

Whether at a friend’s place or a local fraternity, thousands of college students engage in what is commonly known as “partying” every weekend. Soon, partying could take a whole new role in a student’s life.

A petition to open up a new major at West Virginia University has acquired 10,000 signatures, according to University officials.

The petition calls for a new “partying” major to be implemented into the Liberal Arts program at the University.

Chad Thomas, organizer of the effort, said that he was inspired at a local party to begin the petition.

“I was chilling it up with my dude-bros when all of the sudden an epiphany hit me just as I was asking for a rerack during a sweet beer pong game,” Thomas said.

“I thought, ‘Dude, I should major in this.’

“I made the next two shots and just knew it all meant something.”

Thomas is joined by several other male students, including junior Chad Foreman

and sophomore business major Chad Williams, who both claimed to be quick in their decision to sign the petition.

“I put my ‘Herbie Hancock’ on there as soon as I read the first line,” Foreman said.

“It was a no-brainer ’cause what bro doesn’t want to listen to Sublime in class and go to bars for homework?”

Williams has his own ideas on concentrations within the major, specifically using his background in business.

“Dude, I think there should be a class on deciding which place is cheapest to buy Miller Lite and the minimum number of drinks to buy a girl so that she can make bad decisions,” Williams said.

Despite his enthusiasm, Williams may have a difficult time approaching girls if the major is accepted by the University. According to the petition, 9,950 of its signers are males.

Thomas claims that’s just a simple obstacle in getting the program off the ground.

“It’s simple, dude,” Thomas said. “Bros have to pay for the class, but the girls get in for free.

It’s just like Bent’s, dude.”

The University has declined to comment on the petition. andy.smith@mail.wvu.edu

A2 ■ Good news for people who love bad news

The Daily Athenaeum - April Fool’s Edition

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Morgantown proposes worldwide user fee Mountainlair to charge

By Ry Rivard City Editor

Officials reeling from the recent defeat of a proposed Monongalia County user fee decided on Monday that if county workers don’t want to pay, everybody else should.

The new $2-a-week tax would be levied against unemployed county residents, including children and infants, and everybody who does not work inside the county, including other Americans and people all around the world.

“Bring us your poor, your tired, your sick, your weak,” said Steve LaCagnin, chair of a committee that campaigned for the fee, “so we might tax them.”

World reaction was immediate.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy praised the fee as the Champs-Elysees filled with Parisians reaching for their wallets and waving white flags.

Other nations, like Venezuela, threatened retaliatory action against the County Commission.

“This has generated a high degree of misery, inequality and infinite tragedy for all peoples,” said President Hugo Chavez. “Simon Bolivar, founding father of our country and guide of our revolution, swore to never allow his hands to be idle or his soul to rest

until he had broken the shackles which bound us to the empire – like him, we shall not rest until we defeat this measure.”

Others said county officials and user fee supporters were ignoring other serious problems.

“We cannot continue, and we should stop the implicit and latent ranking of conflicts that had relegated the Somalia issue to the background,” said former Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo in a speech meant to address the growing humanitarian crisis in Somalia. The comments were carried by THISDAY, a Nigerian newspaper.

Soldiers in Somalia have begun robbing people to eat, as residents flee the country, which is afflicted by a years-long civil war and impending drought.

The current failed government, one of many since the early 1990s, is now facing strong opposition from Islamic forces, which took several major towns last week from the American-backed interim government.

“We’re Baghdad-izing Mogadishu and Somalia. We’re making people feel wrongly treated and pushing them toward more radical positions,” Representative Donald M. Payne, D-N.J., and chairman of the House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on Africa and Global Health, told The New York

Times. He added, “What Monongalia County is doing is placing an unreasonable burden on people who can carry no more and barely themselves.”

All of this is of little concern to county officials, who said they are not willing to waive the fee even for unemployed county residents or the poorest non-county residents who would be effected by the new proposal.

But supporters of the fee were taken aback by the continued opposition not just from county residents but world leaders.

“People will sit in traffic and burn $3-per-gallon gasoline from now until the cows come home and wait for someone to come fix their traffic problem,” said Monty Warner, partner in the Augusta Apartments project. By opposing the measure, he said the citizens of the world “persist in the childish behavior of waiting for a paternalistic big government to descend from on high and clean up their messes.”

Republican presidential candidate John McCain quickly came out against the new proposal in an appearance last night on CNN. Morgantown traffic is “like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime,” he told Larry King. “They complain about sitting in traffic for an hour – well I was in a

Vietnamese prison for five years.”

Democratic candidates took the county’s side in their responses to the proposal.

“This is a wonderful first step,” said Sen. Hillary Clinton. “We need to begin putting outrageous burdens on taxpayers everywhere – including people from other countries – to pay for my universal health care plan.”

The campaign of Sen. Barack Obama sought to draw a sharp contrast between his stance and Clinton’s.

“We need to begin putting exorbitant burdens on taxpayers everywhere,” said spokesperson David Axelrod, using a Thesuarus.comsuggested simile for “outrageous.”

Clinton’s campaign said they will respond in coming days with a TV commercial suggesting that, instead, “We need to begin putting Herculean, inordinate and prodigious burdens on taxpayers everywhere,” using three similes suggested by a 1911 edition of Roget’s Thesaurus.

If the candidates and world leaders can’t agree on the proposed fee, “it’s up to the people who were against it to come up with a proposal that will do what it would do or more,” LaCagnin told The Dominion Post. ry.rivard@mail.wvu.edu

WVU Alert to offer free fashion advice to subscribers

By Kathryn Gregory Managing Editor

Many of West Virginia University’s students who have signed up for the WVU Text Alert system have been canceling their subscription, saying that the alert is useless and not providing students with important information they need.

Over half of WVU’s students have signed up and have so far been receiving alerts warning them of crimes, lock-downs and bad weather patterns. However, students find this standard safety information to be a waste of their text-messaging capabilities.

The University Police Departmenr, which was at a loss for its sudden decrease in users, implemented a survey across the MIX system, asking students what they wanted from their alerts.

The results returned that over 95.5 percent of users who used the alert system only used the alert to learn if school was cancelled. The other 4.5 percent of students were drunk and didn’t understand the question.

At the bottom of a survey was a comments box, and almost every student wrote that they would prefer to receive the weather forecast for the day, including what types of clothes would be suitable for their walk or drive to class instead of crime alerts.

The WVU police department took this information to heart and realized that students at

Mutt’s Place 2129 University Ave. Sunnyside

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“Puff & Stuff” Smoker’s Deck Member Specials Daily 21 And Over I.D. Required

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WVU simply do not care about their safety and are only concerned about their appearance.

To accommodate the student population, the police department hired students from the textiles, apparel and merchandising department to work solely with the WVU Alert system.

“We realized that the WVU Alert is the most effective way to inform students about the weather and make sure that everyone bundles up so that they don’t get sick,” said Lt. Ricky Jackson, staff officer for the University Police Department.

Students should now expect to receive messages such as “High 34 / Low 22 with a slight chance of snow. Ugg boots and a puffy North Face jacket would suit the needs for girls, while men should look to dig out their WVU hats and their Timberlands to stay warm.”

When the weather gets warmer, students should also expect the WVU alert system to inform them when “it’s just too nice to go to class” and to encourage them to stay home to barbecue and drink beer with their friends.

The University Police Department is hopeful that more students will sign up for the alert and that the numbers of people receiving the alert will look better when the information is sent out to other colleges on a national level.

“We want to make sure that other college campuses know that WVU is safe and that we take the safety of our students seriously. If that means that we have to tell them what to wear so that they don’t get sick, then so be it,” said Chief Bob Roberts of the University Police Department.

Students have also expressed an interest in having the alert system send them information about specials at local bars, and what places are charging a cover so that they can plan their nights accordingly.

Sororities and fraternities can sign up for a special WVU Alert package and receive up-to-theminute bar advice to ensure that they never miss a drink special.

“The Alert system is the best way we have to keep students informed,” Lt. Jackson said. “This is the best way to make sure our students feel, and look, great, while helping them to save money at local establishments.”

$10 per hour for parking

By Danielle Halle Staff Writer

Parking on the West Virginia University campus will soon become even more difficult for students.

With rising gas prices, University officials have decided to change parking regulations on campus.

Parking spots in the Mountainlair parking garage have been raised to $10 per hour for up to 3 hours and $20 for each additional hour.

Parking meters will only accept pennies due to the shortage of copper and will start at $1 per hour. Parking tickets will be $50, and each student will be given three days to pay the fee.

The WVU parking office has set up a temporary holding cell for violators of the new regulations. The parking authority was getting tired of all the students who abused parking rules so they have decided to put students in a makeshift jail cell until they pay their parking tickets.

“I think putting students in a holding cell is a wonderful idea because when they get a parking ticket, they don’t take it seriously, and I think this will definitely wake them up,” said Hugh Kierig, director of transportation and parking at WVU. Kierig also said that parking permits will be available for different campus lots and will start at $1,200 per month.

The campus police will be assisting in the enforcement of

the new parking regulations by arresting students who park in permit lots. A police officer will be assigned to each parking lot to regulate the rules.

“I am so excited to slap a pair of handcuffs on the rebellious wrists of a parking violating student,” said University Police Chief Bob Roberts. Roberts said he doesn’t understand what the big deal is with the new parking rules because if a student can afford to go to WVU, he or she should be able to pay the parking fees.

The University will be using the money made from parking to build a student exempt faculty lounge. The lounge will have lavish couches and a Starbucks.

“I think it will be wonderful to take the students’ money and use it all for the faculty – without the faculty, where would these kids be anyway?” said President Mike Garrison. Garrison will be enforcing the new parking rules in the Fall 2008 semester.

“It’s about time we charge the students a deserving amount to park on my campus. I think within a year or so, I’m going to raise the prices even higher,” Garrison said.

A meeting will be held in the Mountainlair on April 3 from 5 to 7:30 p.m. for any students concerned with the parking changes, but who knows if anyone will show up that will care about the students’ opinions anyway. danielle.halle@mail.wvu.edu

Absences plague SGA meeting discussing attendance policy

By Andy Smith Design Editor

The Mountainlair’s Rhododendron Room was home to only silence on Wednesday night.

An SGA meeting was scheduled for the evening to vote on a new attendance policy for the group. However, no members appeared in the room.

A worker employed by the University was the first to comment on the situation.

“Isn’t there supposed to be something going on here?” said nighttime custodian Wilford Montgomery, who was vacuuming a neighboring room at the time of the scheduled meeting.

Montgomery said that he was “surprised” to find the room empty, as he was told to avoid that section of the Mountainlair to give SGA silence for its proceedings.

“I don’t get it,” Montgomery said. “How can you vote on an attendance policy when no one is there?”

Still, there are students who are quick to defend SGA.

“The SGA does all sorts of things for the students that we shouldn’t ignore here,” said junior Chad Thomas.

“They got us barbecue sauce at McCoy’s. Does that mean nothing to anyone?”

An anonymous SGA member gave The Daily Athenaeum a few comments on the occurrence.

“Our governors do care about the University,” the governor said. “SGA has, and always will, be an asset to this University. We should not be ostracized for this one occurrence and ignored for all of our hard work. Have you ever had the barbecue sauce at McCoy’s? I rest my case.”

The anonymous governor maintains that students should take note that the SGA line-up is different than its previous incarnation.

“We’re excited to tackle the new year and solidify our esteem in the minds of WVU students,” the member said. “As soon as we get this attendance policy worked out, things will change. Just not this week.” andy.smith@mail.wvu.edu

Questions?

Comments?

Suggestions?

Don’t e-mail us.

We don’t care what someone else told you.

We don’t give two cents about your day.

kathryn.gregory@mail.wvu.edu

FestivalofIdeas Digital Media and the 2008 Presidential Election A Panel Discussion produced by the Perley Isaac Reed School of Journalism as part of Journalism Week 2008: New Media. New Democracy.

This Thursday Night • 7:30pm • Mountainlair Ballroom FREE ADMISSION Panelists include Ana Marie Cox, Washington Editor of TIME.com; Philip de Vellis, Senior Associate and Vice President of New Media at Murphy Putnam Media, best known as the creator of the “Vote Different” ad, which blended Apple’s “1984” spot with footage from Senator Hillary Clinton’s campaign Web site; Ross Douthat, Senior Editor at The Atlantic Monthly and a blogger for TheAtlantic.com; Terence Samuel, Deputy Editor of TheRoot.com, an online magazine published by The Washington Post and aimed at African-American readers; Abbi Tatton,an Internet reporter for CNN, covering blogs, Web video, and other new media for The Situation Room; and Matthew Yglesias, an associate editor of The Atlantic Monthly who writes a blog for TheAtlantic.com. Michael Tomasky, Editor of GuardianAmerica.com, the USbased Web site of the Guardian newspaper of England, will moderate.

Limited seating: first-come; first-served. • For more information, call 293-SHOW • www.events.wvu.edu

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Pedestrian bridge collapses

By Leann Ray Cake Mania Queen

West Virginia University’s pedestrian bridge collapsed Monday around peak foot-traffic time.

No one was injured.

Around 12:30 p.m., the pedestrian bridge, which connects the College of Business and Economics and Oglebay Hall, collapsed onto University Avenue. The bridge was built in an effort to reduce foot traffic on University Avenue in front of the Mountainlair.

No one witnessed the collapse, but several people who were walking past the area and traveling on University Avenue by car reported rubble in the road to University police.

“Calls started coming in around 12:37 Monday afternoon,” said Bob Roberts, chief of the Department of Public Safety. “Most people said there was some unidentifiable rubble in the road. They couldn’t figure out where it came from.”

Leon Roy, a junior English major, said he was on the Downtown Campus at the time of the collapse but did not see it, and, in fact, had no idea that WVU even had a pedestrian bridge.

“Why would the University waste money on a bridge that requires people to walk farther and then go up steps?” Roy said. “We seriously had a ‘pedestrian bridge’ right there? Huh ...”

Another passerby, Michelle Pinkus, a freshman textiles, apparel and merchandising major, was standing in front of the B&E building during the time of the collapse.

“I heard this loud cracking noise, and when I looked over, there were all these rocks in the road,” Pinkus said. “I still have no idea where they came from. No one does.”

Pam Halpert, WVU’s Foot Transportation and Bicycle Parking director, said she is relieved that no one was injured during the accident.

“I’m just glad it happened around noon when so few people are on campus,” Halpert said.

“I don’t even want to think what could have happened if it collapsed during peak pedestrian bridge traffic hours.”

When asked when peak traffic hours were on the pedestrian bridge, Halpert said there wasn’t enough data to determine an exact time.

It is currently unknown if WVU will spend another $1.6 million to replace the bridge. leann.ray@mail.wvu.edu

City proposes further redic Promise restrictions

By Gwen Schoolcraft Associate City Editor

Promise scholars may have to worry about more than thier GPA, ACT scores, staying in-state after graduation and being able to have cars their freshman year.

In an amendment to City Councilor Bill Byrne’s proposal to require Promise scholars and outof-state students to leave their cars out of Morgantown their freshman year, Byrne suggested these students be denied a wide variety of convenient privileges.

“In exchange for your Promise Scholarship, or the fact that you’re from out-of-state, we’re going to ask you not to bring your TV, video-game system or microwave oven into your dorms as a freshman,” Byrne said.

Byrne said that he firmly believes that freshman Promise scholars should devote their first year of college to campus life and organizations and that giving up these worldly possessions would

do just that.

“Instead of sitting in the dorm room playing Halo or Wii, students will be forced, out of boredom, to go get involved with the campus community,” he said.

His initial proposal stated that the scholarship can be used to solve other city problems.

“By making them leave their cars at home, we’ve already killed two birds with one stone,” he said.

“We’ve alleviated traffic and also kept out-of-state students from leaving West Virginia due to lack of transportation.”

But his amendment can solve even more problems, he claims.

“First of all, if less students had microwave ovens, fire evacuations caused by burnt popcorn would be virtually eliminated, saving the Morgantown Fire Department a lot of time and money,” Byrne said.

In conjunction with the University’s new initiative to make the campus greener, Byrne said that there would be tremendous

Staff Writer

A graduate from the West Virginia University College of Business and Economics has presented a solution to the problems in Sunnyside.

Michael Stellfox, of Killer Aces Casinos, and the Sunnyside Up Campus Neighborhoods Revitalization Corporation will collaborate to open a gambling strip that will occupy the area beginning at Summit Hall and ending at 6th Street. The strip is scheduled to be fully operational by late summer 2009.

Stellfox graduated from WVU in 2001 after living all four years in the Sunnyside area. With his casino business up and running, he decided to return to his former neighborhood with a plan to help.

The proposed plan for the gambling strip will involve knocking down several blocks worth of offcampus housing, but does include two casinos and a series of hotel suites.

Installing attractions instead of more housing will bring outside revenue into Monongalia County, according to Stellfox.

“Instead of focusing on newer, more expensive housing, which puts all of the burden on the student renters, a gambling strip will allow investments to be returned without depending solely on students,” Stellfox said.

James Hunt, executive director of Sunnyside Up, said he is looking forward to the collaboration with Killer Aces.

“The main concern that has been voiced by students is a fear of losing the area’s ‘college town’ aesthetic,” Hunt said. “But Sunnyside is obviously in disrepair, and constructing a gambling strip will allow the party aesthetic to stay in the area – just with a little more class.”

The casinos’ accompanying hotel has an expected capacity of about 550 overnight guests. To accommodate the extra vehicles,

amounts of energy saved due to freshmen not sitting around sluggishly in their dorms with TVs, lights and computers left on for hours.

“Heck, let’s make sure they don’t have computers, either. Better get rid of those mini-fridges too,” he said.

He also said that without television, students will be forced to go outside and become active.

“This should lower the amount of obesity in the state as well,” he said.

“Actually,” he said, “why don’t we just have these students live outside, rather than in the dorms?”

With the University’s enrollment rising every year and dorms becoming overcrowded, pushing freshmen Promise scholars completely out of the housing market would solve the problem.

“Freshmen Promise scholars make up a large amount of the dorm population. Bada-bing, bada-boom – housing problem

Animal fighting ‘for the birds’

By Kellen Henry Staff Writer

A bird in the bush yielded four more in the basement of a Morgantown residence over the weekend.

A West Virginia University student remains in serious condition after a brutal attack led Morgantown police to an underground ostrich fighting ring in Sunnyside.

Police think Martin Vick, a junior athletic training major, may have helmed the thousand-dollar-a-weekend operation that almost turned deadly on Saturday night.

“They really got cocky when they hatched this feather-brained scheme. We almost ended up with a dead duck on our hands,” said Chief Phil Scott of the Morgantown Police Department.

Vick remains at Ruby Memorial Hospital where he is being treated for several broken bones, a concussion and loss of blood from the mauling.

Emergency personnel responded to a 911 call at 9:30 p.m. on Saturday from Vick’s Grant Avenue apartment. They found him unconscious and bleeding.

His roommates, who bore less-serious defensive wounds, told police Vick was injured in a drunken fight, according to a criminal complaint.

Vick’s wounds did not seem consistent with a brawl, and police began to search the house.

Outside, they discovered an obese ostrich with its head buried in the soil, Scott said. The ground was littered with pecked cans of Natural Light beer and packets of un-

cooked Ramen Noodles.

A wild goose chase led to the basement where police discovered four more ostriches in small pens and a fighting ring covered in feathers.

It was on this gladiator arena that police believe that Vick became a sitting duck for Rudy, his prize-fighting ostrich.

Augustus Germanicus, a roommate, told police that Vick was alone in the basement warming up Rudy for a fight.

Germanicus, a senior political science major, heard screams from the basement and observed Rudy sprinting up the stairs like a chicken with its head cut off. Germanicus and another roommate, Benjamin Hur, a junior and member of the crew team, attempted to wrestle the ostrich away from the refrigerator, but it escaped and fled into the night.

Vick refused to comment regarding the allegations of illegal ostrich fighting.

“The first rule of Avian Fight Club is, you don’t talk about Avian Fight Club,” Vick told The Daily Athenaeum on Monday.

But Vick’s roommates broke that vow in taped statements to police.

Hur said the birds were becoming fat and lethargic thanks to their steady diet of complex carbohydrates.

“They were unmanageable. All they wanted to do was drink Nattie and play World of Warcraft, and (Vick) said, ‘Well, we’ve got to put these birds on a diet,’” Hur said.

Ornithologist and former pop star Jim McGuinn said it is no surprise that the bird snapped after

Gambling strip to open in Sunnyside

By Amanda Karpeuk

More News ■ A3

The Daily Athenaeum - April Fool’s Edition

Stellfox’s engineers have designed a 34-story parking garage.

According to projections based on revenue at Killer Aces’ other locations, the casinos should generate enough revenue to cover the costs of construction within the first eight months they are operational.

Hunt said that the amount of wealth the strip will bring to the county will increase funding, allowing Sunnyside Up to continue with its ultimate goal – to manage

the area’s growth and preserve its character.

Stellfox said he believes the plan is optimum for the University and the city.

“As far as the University students are concerned, I’m proud because I think this will provide an alternative, very upscale spot for nightlife,” Stellfox said. “Just as long as they don’t forget – the house always wins.” amanda.karpeuk@mail.wvu.edu

losing his supply of Nattie Light.

“It’s a legitimate addiction and being deprived really brought out the fight or flight instincts. Unfortunately for those boys, these are flightless birds we’re talking about,” McGuinn said.

Police confiscated about $3,000 in cash and took the birds into protective custody. McGuinn is now treating the five ostriches for substance abuse problems at his rehab center in Preston County, but he said he doubts he will be able to reverse all the damage.

“I saw what the refrigerator looked like after that bird got through with it. I’d hate to see what Rudy did to that kid’s face,” he said.

Germanicus and Hur were arrested at the scene and remain at North Central Regional Jail. Morgantown Police have a warrant for Vick’s arrest and will charge him as soon as he is released from the hospital.

“Birds of a feather flock together, so we believe that others in the Sunnyside area were involved. Anyone with information about these fights should come forward,” Scott said.

The three students may face federal charges, as well. kellen.henry@mail.wvu.edu

solved,” he exclaimed.

He said that there is no reason that students with high GPAs, good ACT scores or who come from out-of-state should have a roof over their head.

“Students smart enough to receive the Promise Scholarship should be able to overcome the inconveniences of the world,” Byrne said. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world – survival of the fittest, just like ol’ Chuck Darwin said.”

Cynthia Taylia, mother of upcoming freshman Promise scholar Jenna Talia, expressed concern about her daughter’s safety.

“My daughter? Live without a roof over her head? That’s inhumane,” she reasoned.

Byrne has responded with such concerns by saying that Kroger gives away boxes in the evening and that freshman students can get those to sleep in at night.

“They can even sleep outside the PRT stations, so they can get to class really quickly in the morning,” he said.

Your day doesn’t matter.

“What about extra pedestrian traffic caused by freshman students flooding the streets of Morgantown?” asked City Councilor Jim Manilla.

Byrne responded that Manilla shouldn’t fear such a thing, as there will be so much extra funding since freshman Promise scholars and out-of-staters won’t be sucking up the city’s electricity.

“We’ll just take that extra money and build another pedestrian bridge in an obscure, underused part of campus,” he said.

Jenna Taylia shared her mother’s concerns.

“I’ve never lived like that. I guess I’m just going to cook my Ramen with a hair dryer,” Taylia said.

Byrne has said hair dryers would also be confiscated and should be left at home, far away from WVU’s campus.

“Damn,” Taylia said. gwendolyn.schoolcraft@mail.wvu.edu

the da

B4

April Fool’s Day

Opinion

Opinion Editor: Sir David Ryan www.da.wvu.edu 304.555.DAVE

DA Endorsement: Ry Rivard for President

When looking for a presidential candidate, we – the press – have a huge responsibility to our readers. We must not engage in premature acts of endorsement, nor should we heap praise on candidates that have yet to prove themselves.

With only seven months left to go, the staff of The Daily Athenaeum has chosen to act swiftly in deciding who receives the prestigious endorsement of this fine college paper. It is with a responsible journalistic approach that we have arrived at our decision as to who shall receive our endorsement.

We feel that the credentials of our presidential favorite more

than merit his candidacy for the nation’s highest office.

For our eagle-eyed readers, this is almost the same opening that we featured for our endorsement of comedian Stephen Colbert’s presidential bid.

That endorsement didn’t have the impact we thought it would. Colbert was forced to drop out of the race because the Democratic Party in South Carolina didn’t allow him to run – a tragic end to the promise of a candidate that was intentionally funny.

But it did give us the opportunity to re-endorse another fine, American candidate – someone who truly believes in the poli-

tics of actual change, rather than false hopes and failed dreams.

It is for this reason that we, the editorial staff of The Daily Athenaeum, have thrown full support to in-house City Editor Ry Rivard’s presidential bid.

Mr. Rivard is a man of sound moral character. Through his humble upbringings, Mr. Rivard has been aged, like a fine wine, into a being of steadfast determination with unparalleled leadership skills.

Mr. Rivard originally began as a columnist at the paper, writing weekly columns that reflected his intelligence and his national scope.

Former Opinion Editor Mike

Janney rehired Mr. Rivard for the columnist position, citing his “unparalleled ability to be late.”

His in-depth analysis of important, national events – such as the State of the Union in 2005 – showed his interest in making America great.

“We should run a whole episode of Fashion Police about Nixon,” Mr. Rivard eloquently wrote regarding the fashion at President Bush’s then-fourth address to the nation.

In the interest of full disclosure, and to ensure you get all the facts, Mr. Rivard is currently ineligible to run for the nation’s highest office. He is not 35. But he will be soon.

But we feel that the presidency of the United States, in these troubling times, should not be sold short of a candidate that, for some uncontrollable reason, wasn’t born soon enough.

We watch the network news coverage only to see candidateafter-candidate fight each other, arguing about personal issues rather than ones that matter to ordinary Americans.

America, we ask you. Would it be so bad to have a successful, younger, croc-wearing president over the current crop of starched suits and campaign rhetoric?

DA DA

Editorial Staff

Editor in Chief: “Cake Mania” Ray Managing Editor: Kathryn “Gregories” City Editor: Ry Rivard for President Assoc. City Editor: Gwen’s Schoolcrafts Opinion Editor: The Big Cheese Sports Editor: Touchdown Dobies Assoc. Sports Editor: 31” Waist Stefano A&E Editor: Very Tall Patrick Snyder Assoc. A&E Editor: Shelly Daveeeedov Design Editor: Andy “Triceratops” Smith Photo Editor: Photo Montgomery Copy Desk Chief: AP Allison Butler Business Manager: “Ads man” Stone Campus Calendar: James “Carboner” Web Master: “Obscure Reference” Davis General Manager: “The Golfer” Waters

daperspectives@mail.wvu.edu

FOUR MORE YEARS! David Ryan Opinion Editor

Call me crazy. Call me a visionary. Call me whatever you want. But I just don’t think America is ready to say goodbye to President George W. Bush.

Hear me out. Don’t disregard this argument as some nonsensical rambling about the nation’s commander-inchief; don’t start folding the paper so your professor can’t see you’re working hard on the Sudoku (nobody takes notes anymore, and if they do, they don’t care about the environment).

This is a serious – nay, urgent – plea for the American public to bring about serious change in this upcoming election. We need to give President Bush a third term.

We’ve all heard that this election, unlike every other preceding it, is the most important election of our time.

No election before it – not even the nation’s first electoral exercise, when George Washington fought a close race with pro-British campaigner Chester J. LovestheBrits (Washington won by a landslide) – has ever amounted to such a level of sheer national importance or urgency.

We as a nation are facing troubling times ahead.

Not only due to the current

economic uncertainty, the climbing death toll in Iraq or even the security breaches in the Green Zone or even the staggeringly bad value of the American dollar (when should the Canadians be better than us?).

There is only one qualified individual in the spotlight right now.

It isn’t Barack Obama, the Democratic ne’er do well. It isn’t the staunch, scarecrowesque Hillary Clinton.

It isn’t even the war veteran John McCain.

It is an individual who is familiar with all these situations of national urgency.

It is, ladies and gentleman, the man who has overseen them during his consecutive presidential terms: President Bush.

Let me just admit that I know, right now, it is impossible for President Bush to run again … right now. I know all about presidential term limits (thank you, Diclerico and Hammock!) and why lawmakers saw fit to destroy the possibilities of American dynasty.

But we can change that.

And if you hear me out, I believe you’ll be convinced.

President Bush, for the most part, has been the president we’ve all liked to dump on at some point. Unless, of

course, you’re a staunch supporter of Dubya, in which case, four more years!

He’s been the butt of many comedians’ jokes, helping fuel the ratings for many cultural institutions such as “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report.” That is one way this president has attributed to American greatness.

While one person may see a president falling off a Segway as some sort of comic mishap, others see it as an economic policy done right: P re s i d e n t f a l l s off Segway, which gives news satire shows material, which g i v e s com-

edy networks higher ratings, which gives corporations more advertiseing revenue, which means more brands get their messages out

to more people, which means more Americans spend more at their local retailer.

And I’m sure there’s more untapped comedic potential.

Comedy writers, you need him. And networks, you need them to bring me to the screen to sell your advertisers’ delicious energy drinks to.

The current political candidates are spending huge amounts of time and campaign money arguing back and forth about who will be best to deal with the situation in Iraq.

Who, may I ask you, has more knowledge about the situation than the man who sent troops into Baghdad to begin with?

Sure, Hillary Clinton can answer a telephone at three in the morning – I could even do that, if I actually believed there was a three o’clock – but who has continuously said they wouldn’t see the end of American occu-

pation in Iraq?

Mr. Bush.

Isn’t it only fair we let the architect see his plans completed?

Why should Obama, Clinton or McCain get the glory?

We should also allow Mr. Bush more time to see his other, less-talked about plans come to fruition.

Remember that lunar base?

Remember our plans for Mars? Sure, we’ve cut back our funding for NASA since then, and we’re struggling to pay for our homes back on Earth, but you have to admit, they were gutsy plans.

America, we should not get caught up in the hype for “change” in the White House.

These are troubling times ahead of us.

We should not be electing would-be presidents who offer real solutions, real alternatives or real possibilities.

No, the only “change” we need come November is a constitutional one, not a presidential one.

Let’s re-elect George W. Bush and let him finish what he’s started.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

A petition for the forced resignation of columnist Chad Wilcox Chad Wilcox Columnist

After reading The Daily Athenaeum loyally for three years, with day after day of well-written opinion columns, after mulling over the provocative thoughts of some of our most outspoken students, there appeared early last semester a reason to skip the Opinion page.

Does anyone else think this Chad Wilcox character is a bit too much to swallow?

Seriously, who does he think he is? What right does he think he has to opine?

Twice a week, the Opinion page suffers the slights of his “editorials,” underneath a sincere and relevant staff editorial and juxtaposed against the genuine efforts of other serious, future journalists.

As sensationalists before him were yellow, he seems to have turned exaggeration inward, try-

ing his hardest to pass off bombastic garbage as gilded – he has created “Look-what-I-can-do Journalism.”

Reading these poorly structured rants, it seems like he has absolutely nothing to say but too many ways to say it.

There is no evidence of research, no sources cited and very few facts actually presented for consideration.

Each aborted argument is just an unfounded accusation or unspecified abstraction, overly epigrammatic and aphoristic, the gaps between one-liners filled with phrases turned so hard that they spin – all, really, just self-evident sophisms.

It’s like scrutinizing a sphere: you could spend all day looking, but you’ll never find a point.

Each column is a several-hundred word headache, with excessively flowery diction that exhausts his vocabulary until the non sequitur sentences he vomits are themselves exhausting, splitting infinitives to occasionally dangle written without bothering to proofread participles, alliterating arrogantly as if the accident of an amateur, with no respect for the precepts of AP style.

He writes with a brow so high that to furrow it would knock the thesaurus off his desk, in a voice so condescending that even the low-grade and easysmudging paper carrying his flamboyance feels itself in contempt, while disgorging prose so polished that he wants to see himself in it – befitting the narcissism of a charlatan. You should feel sorry for his editors.

Even his line-breaks seem arbitrary.

He is at best whimsical, at worst bathetic, while he forces archaic words and drops obscure allusions that in no way support arguments that are themselves immaterial anyway.

It’s like listening to James Joyce stream his consciousness in the middle of a migraine, like reading the partial work of a 19th century romantic who just got off a five-day bender with Hunter S. Thompson.

All this, of course, when his caustic sarcasm doesn’t devolve into absurdity beyond satire.

He doesn’t even bother to disclaim his insincerity; so insensitive is he to the feelings anyone who may be flipping through the pages.

Chad Wilcox.

It appears that he excels at reverse-engineering his ego, building himself up as he tears others down.

Is anyone else disappointed that hasn’t yet choked from having his tongue in his cheek so often?

The only thing more consistent than his tendency to randomly switch between columns of complicated rhetoric and simply con-

structed satire, it would seem, are the constant, sad attempts to impress someone, written right between the lines.

If only he knew what some people say about what he writes.

Speaking of which, who is his audience anyway?

He can’t be writing for undergraduate students, unless said students actually miss his under-breath attacks on their intelligence.

He certainly isn’t targeting faculty and staff with his obnoxious, vulgar bullet lists about partying and embracing the college lifestyle.

Some of his “pieces” have fallen upon both ears, deaf and attuned; he thinks he has found a frequency that resonates dichotomously, but it seems more like an accident of poor argument development.

And what about that Valentine’s Day hopeless romantic nonsense? Have you ever seen a more pathetic attempt to get laid?

Does he really sustain a fantasy that a few seminal articles will benefit his seminal vesicles, that uncommon lines will save untouched loins?

I guess that leaves one person:

himself.

When it comes to a pseudosatirist like this, an essayist even more vain than Montaigne, ad hominem attacks are inevitable.

A respected student newspaper should not be victimized by the cries for attention of an insecure cynic.

He calls it satire, but whereas satire affords redeeming social value, he seems to be content with stopping short at public ridicule.

Perhaps he should quit writing for the DA and begin working on an autobiography, since it is so clear that he is his favorite subject.

Yet he persists arrogantly, with the “Gaul” to speak about himself in third person, as if he were a Caesar narrating the conquest of barbaric impressions.

If all he wants is a reaction, he’s going to get one.

I don’t care if I have to read this trash in order to despise it. He should be replaced by someone sincere, someone who doesn’t specialize in slander. I’m disgusted with this asshole.

I call for the firing or forced resignation of Chad Wilcox.

Who’s with me?

Check out our Web site at www.da.wvu.edu.

Read through glorious back-editions of our paper. Notice our mistakes, our gleaming errors as we foolishly try to provide you the news of the University, the town and the city while balancing class.

Print out our errors and hang them on your doors, professors!

The Daily Athenaeum April Fools edition requires all submissions to contain the author’s name, telephone number, address and/or e-mail address. No letters or guest columns can be considered for publication until April 1st, 2009. It’s kind of pointless writing one, really. We can’t really have any responses to any particular article, seeing as the meaning will be lost. But if you do have a problem with one of our articles, please rest assured that these articles are meant satirically, and not with the intent to cause offense, illness, emotional damage or loss of reputation. All submissions may or may not be framed on the wall in a decorative frame that will only add to the context of the message. While the individual articles from this issue won’t appear online in plain format, they will appear as PDFs through our archive. Go ahead, check ‘em out. We don’t think we did too bad. Especially that awesome staff editorial endorsing Ry Rivard for president. Check out our Web site. www.da.wvu.edu today. So yeah. Why are you reading this, exactly? You really want to submit a letter to the editor? Unless it’s about ice cream stores or how we say “Blue and Gold” as opposed to “Gold and Blue” (we apologize), we hear nothing. Oh well. We hope you enjoyed this April Fools edition of The Daily Anthenaeum.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Even More News ■ A5

The Daily Athenaeum - April Fool’s Edition

’Lair gets makeover, Garrison paints students gold and blue

By Kathryn Gregory Managing Editor

The West Virginia University Mountainlair is undergoing a new branding process, where everything in the ’Lair will be changed to either gold or blue and must have at least one flying WV in its vicinity.

The branding is the newest initiative from the Student Government Association to help make students feel more “at home” and to have more “West Virginia pride.”

All of the pillars in the Mountainlair will now have a WVU tattoo on it. The design will

include a picture of the Mountaineer, the PRT system, the Evansdale Residential Complex Towers, the Downtown Library Complex and Stewart Hall, along with Lord Burger King and his faithful followers, also known as the remaining members of SGA. All of the chairs in the Mountainlair area where students sit and eat will be changed to bright WVU blue, with flying WVs in gold along the fabric. The tables will also be changed to gold with a large blue WV symbol in the center of each table.

Sbarro’s, Burger King, Quizno’s, Dong’s Express and Freshens have all agreed to change the

PRT

eMBA

Continued from page A1

Continued from page A1

On reliability of the extended stations, James Hatcher, operational manager of the PRT system, said that Parkersburg students can expect the same level of service from the system that Morgantown students enjoy.

“Sure, we’ve got issues with a five-minute run between Engineering and Walnut,” Hatcher said. “But I don’t think we can draw any conclusions that it will short-circuit, get stuck or break down in the 112 miles between Walnut and Parkersburg.”

To help offset the cost of the construction, the University will begin offering varying degrees of “class,” similar to the different levels of comfort enjoyed during flights.

For an extra $200 a semester, students can opt for a “business” class PRT ride, including a foldout bed and headphones connected to Sirius Satellite Radio.

The PRT was constructed in 1974 by a former division of jetmaker Boeing. Since its design by former engineering students, the PRT has become a staple and landmark of the city.

The PRT was named “Best Overall Performer” in the ‘People Mover’ category of The New Electric Railway Journal’s annual competition,” according to an archived WVU Today press release, beating Disneyland’s monorail.

It is widely accepted, however, that the ultimate destination of a typical PRT is far less exciting or interesting.

the year that time ends according to the Mayan calendar.

“This decisively proves what we have been saying all along, which is that we were not at all involved one way or another,” said Garrison’s spokesperson, Bill Case. He then declined to comment on anything else, including the weather.

“It is just not very spring-like,” a spokesperson for the president, who wished to remain anonymous, said of this week’s forecast, which has lows nearing 29 degrees, according to Weather.com, a Web site devoted to weather forecasting.

But Rodriguez’s agent Mike Brown fired back on Sunday telling reporters that not only was the weather fine – adding that the coach’s wife, Rita, had many fine coats and scarves – but that Rodriguez only shredded the documents at the behest of Garrison and the WVU Foundation, the secretive private nonprofit that handles donations to the University.

Sources at the foundation and in the College of Business and Economics with knowledge of the situation said that they were only protecting the academic reputation of the University and the college.

“We are the No. 1 Party School – but we have had 25 Rhodes Scholars, 30 Goldwater Scholars, 18 Truman Scholars and five members of USA Today’s All-USA College Academic First Team,” said one source close to the matter.

david.ryan@mail.wvu.edu

Manchin Continued from page A1 know, everywhere is like West Virginia, with huge waiting lists and years of serving as substitutes.”

Ramsburg shook her head and rolled her eyes while the governor explained that he also worries that some students will hear about “oceans” and will want to work with animals that aren’t native to the state.

“We really can’t have that. Why on earth would anyone ever want to leave this state? Why would someone want to live where they can get a job easily and not wait years and years to work their way up to the top? That doesn’t leave a sense of accomplishment.”

Besides the state border, Manchin is working on several other bills. One bill will stop all airports from flying planes to out-of-state airports, and another bill will block Web sites that try to attract tourists to other states.

His third, and most elaborate, bill will propose that the state use all the Promise Scholarship funding to build a time machine so that he can travel back in time to early October 2007 and burn down the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. He said if that doesn’t work, he will travel back to December 1998 to make sure his daughter, Heather Bresch, goes to her WVU graduation and takes several pictures with her and her master’s degree and a copy of the current day’s newspaper to prove the date.

“I thought about proposing a bill to make scientists figure out a way for us to truly bleed blue and gold, in case someone sneaks out so the government can send them back to us,” Manchin said. “But, after Googling for a little bit, I found out that’s kind of impossible.”

Manchin is hoping his new proposals will help him in the 2008 elections. He is currently running unopposed. leann.ray@mail.wvu.edu

Your only source for a three-day weather forecast.

the da www.da.wvu.edu

colors of their establishment and will also be showing their goldand-blue pride in the food court of the ’Lair.

The Vandalia Lounge will have new carpet put in that is gold-andblue inspired, and the information desk will be painted bright gold, with cutouts of the new Mountaineer’s face placed all over the desk and surrounding area, including the copy center and the post office.

“We wanted to make sure that students remember where they go to school, so we are changing everything to gold-and-blue so students never forget,” said SGA President Jason Parsons, WVU’s own “People are beginning to think we have some credibility, which could prevent some students who have absolutely no right attending an institute of higher learning from applying and, despite the standards of other SREB schools, getting in.” The person was referring to the Southern Regional Education Board, the organization of peer institutions in the south and along the eastern seaboard.

By Monday, University officials were consumed by further controversy when Rodriguez told ESPN that, though he did shred the documents, he was attempting to clean his office in an efficient way and said the “things thrown away were completely useless to everybody” except for an eMBA he said he had also earned in December 1998, when he was Offensive Coordinator at Tulane.

He said the degree was helpful in understanding his contract, which he broke to coach at the University of Michigan.

“There’s so many inaccuracies and falsehoods and innuendo – at some point you get tired of getting beat up,” he said. “There was an implication that I had all these secret files, and I was throwing them away, but it’s simply not true.”

He said that he was only destroying files that had already been destroyed by B&E administrators in Summer 2007 during house-cleaning inside of the college.

A philosophy professor who met with a reporter at a local McDonalds to discuss the coach’s claims said he could not invalidate the premise of a destruction

Lord Burger King.

WVU officials, including Provost Gerald Lang, WVU President Mike Garrison and former-WVU President, and current law professor, David C. Hardesty Jr. will be on hand in the Mountainlair with paint brushes and buckets of paint and will be “offering” to paint students as they walk through the ’Lair.

“It’s important that students feel the gold-and-blue pride everyday of their lives. Basically, we’ve decided that if they are not wearing gold, or blue, or anything that suggests that they attend this University, we are going to paint them to remind them where they attend of files that had already been destroyed because time could be cyclical and because he had lost his train of thought, though he promised to get back to a reporter when it came back around to him.

I also said that the records alone would have proven nothing. In a lengthy sit-down interview, I said my word was “better than a transcript” and that “Rod and I both earned this degree if we say we did.”

I said, however, that I could not vouch for his being in class because I had not been in class.

“Sadly, she was not the only student this has happened to,” said University spokesperson Amy Neil.

The foundation denied that it asked Rodriguez to throw away the files.

But a source close to the foundation – an employee who works at Oliverio’s Ristorante three blocks from its offices in the Wharf District – gave a different account.

“Donors were beginning to get nervous that the money they donated would not be used to provide the kind of educational experience they had – which is, essentially, of very limited worth,” said the source. “They told the coach to shred the files in order to save the face, specifically shitfaced, nature of WVU.” The new football coach, Bill Stewart, said he thought the whole controversy was in the past, adding that WVU was “first cabin” academically, then hugged a reporter.

college,” President Garrison said.

SGA members will also be stationed at strategic locations around campus with paint to brand unsuspecting students who were smart enough to avoid the paint wash in the Mountainlair.

“You won’t know where we are, or when we are going to attack, but we will. You need to have pride in your school and show your colors!” said SGA Vice President Tommy Napier.

In addition to the total revamp of the Mountainlair, WVU is also considering putting blue-andgold Styrofoam bricks over the façade of Woodburn, Chitwood and Martin Hall in Woodburn Circle,

increasing the amount of WVU pride that students feel when they walk through campus.

“We send pictures of Woodburn circle out on every piece of literature for WVU recruitment.

We think that our out-of-state attendees would double if they saw that the heart of campus had more school spirit,” said Craig Walker, chief of staff for President Garrison.

Students who do not want to be painted are advised to avoid the Mountainlair, and WVU in its entirety, for the remainder of the semester. kathryn.gregory@mail.wvu.edu

Burger King Continued from page A1 Tommy Napier, SGA vice president for the 2008-09 school year.

The plastic surgery has been hailed as a great success across campus, and many are saying that the new king-look is a healthy improvement to the image that Parsons and Napier want to portray.

“I think he looks great, and it’s wonderful that he is taking this honor so seriously and is putting hard work into making sure everyone thanks him for a job well done,” said WVU President Mike Garrison. “‘Lord Burger King’ is not the only one changing face this

week, and students should expect delays in their fast-food orders until the end of April.

The Burger King location in the Mountainlair will be undergoing reconstructive surgery as well, and a gold-and-blue ‘Lord Burger King’ statue will be at the beginning of the long, slow, fast-food line, welcoming students into the establishment.”

The statue will speak every time someone walks past it and will remind the students that Parsons is The Burger King.

“This is the happiest moment of my life,” Parsons said.

“I never thought that I would be given so much recognition for something so important that I accomplished.” kathryn.gregory@mail.wvu.edu

Looking for Sudoku? Won’t find it here. Nope, it’s gone. We know that’s the only reason you pick up the paper. We know you hate when we accidentally print the answers. Why don’t you stop being cheap and buy a Sudoku book from the dollar store?

sudoku???

Fine, it’s on B6. We’re sorry. Still friends?

hkirby1@mix.wvu.edu

A6

April Fool’s Day

Sports Mike Smith Correspondent

12-year-old boy hired at Michigan

By Tony Dobies Sports Editor

E-mail shows Stefano’s darkside Two college friends are now enemies, courtesy of an anonymous e-mail sent to The Daily Athenaeum on Monday morning.

The e-mail was sent at 9:10 a.m. and was signed, “Sincerely, the referee of the Papa John’s Halftime Shootout.”

In the e-mail, the referee admitted to receiving an undisclosed amount of money from current DA Associate Sports Editor Daniel Stefano.

The referee said Stefano gave him the money in order to disrupt former DA Associate Sports Editor Todd Krise’s concentration during the Papa John’s Halftime Shootout at the WVU-Winthrop men’s basketball game on Dec. 1, 2007.

Winning contestants received a $100 prize.

Stefano’s plan went accordingly, as Krise was cheated two seconds in the contest, which requires contestants to run the length of the court and score a basket within a five-second limit.

According to Krise, the clock had already started before the referee blew his whistle, cheating him out of his full five seconds. Krise made a valiant effort but was denied when his desperation heave from beyond the 3point arc clanked off the front of the rim.

“This is very disappointing news,” Krise said. “I’ve always considered Dan as a close friend and coworker. His actions in this ordeal are surprising.

“I guess I should have seen this coming after that pathetic column he wrote a few days after the game. He humiliated me in that story. He said some little kid beat me. But obviously, I was cheated.”

Stefano’s column ran three days after the game and described what occurred during the contest.

“The next couple of contestants came no closer than Krise did, unable to match his highwater mark of a beautiful, lowflying brick,” Stefano wrote.

“Then came the final contestant – a child, who seemed to be no

Sports Editor: Tony Dobies Associate Sports Editor: Dan Stefano dasports@mail.wvu.edu 304.293.5092

RICH RODRIGUEZ’S BASEMENT, Mich. — A 12-year-old boy from Connecticut, who had officially petitioned to West Virginia University President Mike Garrison to become the head coach of the WVU football team, has decided to take that position at Michigan.

“It was just the right thing for me at this point in my life,” the boy said. “Basically, West Virginia screwed me over like they screwed over their other coaches and wouldn’t pay me what I wanted.”

Bill Stewart, WVU’s current head coach, was chosen over the boy to replace former head coach Rich Rodriguez.

Rodriguez, who has been re-

ceiving criticism from multiple media members, was forced into retirement even before he was able to coach the Maize and Blue in its Spring Game.

“The opportunity to hire a coach at the ripe age of 12 is a great perk,” Michigan’s athletic director told reporters at an impromptu press conference, held at the boy’s favorite restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese. “He is going to be a fantastic long-term option.”

The boy, an avid backyard football enthusiast and “NCAA Football 2008” junkie, is ready to take Michigan to the next level.

“It has to be like the video game right?” he asked. “I mean, I just beat Slippery Rock by 71 points.”

The boy said he will change the Michigan offense back to what head coach Lloyd Carr had run

while in Ann Arbor.

He said he would like to ask former quarterback Ryan Mallett, who has since transferred to Arkansas, to return and run the offense.

“I don’t know who this Rodriguez guy is, but he needs to realize what veteran coaching guys like me already know – you can’t give up players like Mallett.

“I mean, his name reminds me of one of those things my dad used to put up my tent for my sleepover with my friends.”

According to NCAA rules, Mallett would not be able to return unless he found his way out of the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese in under 10 seconds, but that has only been done once in history, by Barry Bonds, who at the time was obviously “not” taking steroids.

Rodriguez said that he was surprised to be replaced by a 12 year old.

“I don’t know how this happened,” he said. “But, in the end, I will blame the West Virginia media.”

The main concern Wolverine fans have with the boy replacing Rodriguez is how well the boy will recruit.

“You don’t need to worry about that,” the boy told the media, as they tried to follow him frantically through the laser tag map. “I’m going to let them stay up until nine.”

The boy did say that he would like to move up to a more premiere coaching job and would use Michigan as a stepping stone to other programs.

“I really want to coach at Nebraska,” he said. “They have BY

FAR the best fans in college football and a great tradition.

“Who wouldn’t want to have to deal with the constant criticism that their fans give coaches?”

He might also try coaching some other Michigan sports teams.

“I’m pretty good at ‘NCAA Hoops 2K8’, too,” he said. “John Beilein, watch out. I won 10 games in five hours.”

Still, the boy said that despite the snubbing from WVU, he has not lost respect for the program.

“Bill Stewart is a pretty cool cat, from what I’ve heard,” the boy said. “If I had gotten the job, he would’ve definitely stayed on to be West Virginia’s PR guy or something … that great Mountain State.” anthony.dobies@mail.wvu.edu

Huggins signs 25 star recruit Pryor decommits

By Tony Dobies Sports Editor

A 10-FOOT LADDER — Step aside Joe Alexander, Bob Huggins has a new recruit ready to take over.

And his name is Joe, too.

Joe Forthree will be the highest-rated recruit in the history of college basketball – an outlandish 25 star guy.

Forthree, a 15-foot-6-inch center, doesn’t even need to jump.

He is the world’s largest man – and he’s only 17.

“This guy is a guy who will dominate inside,” Huggins said. “He will stop penetration at every angle with his blocking ability.”

Huggins said that Forthree is not only a good post player, but he can also shoot the three.

“I mean, he’s 15 foot tall, he can lay the ball up from half court basically,” Huggins said. “He’s the only one that can make a dunk and three at the same time.”

Forthree will try and reach the standards of past Joes that have seen time on the WVU Coliseum court over the past five years, like Alexander, Joe Mazzulla and Joe Herber.

“At least I can finally play at my natural forward position,” Alexander said. “But I think he might get in the way of my awesomeness.”

Alexander averaged 16 points for the Mountaineers in the 200708 season. His average is likely to go down considering the pure talent of Forthree.

“I don’t expect my scoring to stop,” Alexander said.

Joe Mazzulla, on the other

hand, believes his assist-to-turnover ratio will go way up.

“I was thinking about just trying to throw no-look passes every time out and see if he can catch them,” Mazzulla said. “That way, I can get on ‘SportsCenter.’”

Forthree will fill an immediate role for the Mountaineers, who have had to deal with the loss of senior center Jamie Smalligan.

“Jamie really improved over the span of last season,” Huggins said.

“But with Joe, we now have the talent to be a Top 10 team.”

Huggins has also flirted with the decision of whether to just be cool and play the three Joes at once.

“There might be times when we play three versus five just to See Recruit page A7

See Smith page A7

from Ohio State

By Dan Stefano Assistant to the Associate Sports Editor

Stunning the college football world and confirming what had once been a rumor circulating on message boards, Terrelle Pryor has gone to SHIT. After signing a letter of intent with Ohio State on March 19, the five-star quarterback recruit decommitted from the Buckeyes and signed a new letter of intent with the South Harmon Institute of Technology on Monday.

South Harmon, known more commonly by the unique acronym SHIT, most recently made national news when it was the subject of the feature film “Accepted” in 2006.

Following the end of the 200708 college football season, the administration at SHIT decided to begin building a football program to help bring notoriety back to the school.

Pryor, who labels himself a “major fan” of “Accepted,” secretly put the school on his short list of college choices back in January.

“It was actually me who contacted them,” Pryor said. “I just loved that movie so much. People thought it was just a comedy, but it was about so much more.

It really spoke to me, and that fat kid (“Superbad” star Jonah Hill) was hilarious.”

Even with his love of the school, the do-it-all athlete who led Jeannette High School to Pennsylvania state titles in football and bas-

ketball still faced pressure to sign with a school boasting an established program.

“It’s true,” Pryor said. “SHIT really doesn’t have (expletive) when it comes to tradition or any kind of history playing football.”

It was that conflict and a solid pitch from Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel that led the quarterback to originally signing with the Buckeyes, but South Harmon put up a fight.

“SHIT was relentless,” Tressel said. “Even before he signed with anybody, they were all over the place. I remember at our first visit with Terrelle, there were SHIT posters, hats and T-shirts smeared everywhere.”

Pryor said the proximity of the school to his home and the rich tradition originally made him commit to Ohio State.

Then SHIT got serious.

Last week, in yet another move that shook the foundations of the game, Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez left the Wolverines before even coaching one game in Ann Arbor to take the same position at South Harmon.

The new head coach of SHIT’s first order of business became luring Pryor from the Buckeyes to give his new program the boost it needed.

Pryor was already leaning heavily toward Rodriguez when he was at Michigan, but the added incentive of playing at his dream school See Pryor page A7

Pastilong to take over as Rod to Pastilong ‘My bad, bro’ athletic director at WWVU

By Dan Stefano Putting the “Ass” in Associate Sports Editor

West Virginia University Athletic Director Ed Pastilong’s announcement that he would retire from his position in 2010 appears to have been a bit hasty.

Pastilong and the WVU administration announced Monday that the 65-year-old AD will take over the same role at the University’s newest and largest branch campus: Western West Virginia University, located in Phoenix, Ariz., and set to open in 2010.

The new branch was the brain child of Pastilong and WVU President Mike Garrison, who saw the potential for the University’s expansion after a pair of Mountaineer athletic programs had positive experiences in the Arizona desert over the past few months.

The WVU football team defeated Oklahoma in the 2008 Fiesta Bowl in January and the men’s basketball team advanced to the NCAA Tournament’s Sweet 16 in Phoenix last week before falling to Xavier.

“What we saw was a great turnout for both events,” Garrison said. “Not to mention a great enthusiasm for the Mountain-

eers from the locals. I mean, I saw a mariachi band play ‘Country Roads.’”

Garrison also believes the expansion will help to popularize WVU and the Mountaineers around the country.

“We figured, we’re always trying to get the WVU brand out

there, but the sad reality is the state of West Virginia is just kind of a small market,” he said.

“Arizona, on the other hand, is enormous, and Phoenix is one of the fastest growing cities in the country.”

Should the new branch find success, Garrison said the administration may look into ex-

panding into other markets.

“If I’ve learned anything in my first year as president, it’s that we have spectacular alumni associations across the country,” Garrison said. “That tells me that the California Mountaineers or the Minnesota Mountaineers don’t sound like terrible ideas, and people would respond well to them.

“The demand for more Mountaineers exists.”

Garrison also said that while WVU’s main athletic focus will remain squarely on Morgantown, WWVU should get a good start on fielding some competitive teams by having Pastilong at the helm.

“Our new Mou nt a i n e e r s will receive a huge benefit by having a man with 19 years of experience as an AD leading them,” Garrison said. “Plus, if it doesn’t work out, there are tons of retirees out in the desert already. It’s the new Florida.”

WVU’s new head football coach Bill Stewart also gave a ringing endorsement, after he received Time Magazine’s Nicest Man of the Year award.

“The good people at Western

by God West by God Virginia University are so lucky to have Eddie there,” Stewart said. dan.stefano@mail.wvu.edu

FILE PHOTO

Former WVU head football coach Rich Rodriguez offers The Daily Athenaeum Sports Editor Tony Dobies a lump of sugar for his tea during an interview last week.

By Tony Dobies Sports Editor

RICH RODRIGUEZ’S KITCHEN, Mich. — After over five months of silence between former West Virginia University head football coach Rich Rodriguez and WVU athletic director Ed Pastilong, Rodriguez finally apologized.

“Rod hadn’t given me back my pie pan from our Thanksgiving dinner,” Pastilong said.

“He said he had it stored in a special place if I ever made it up to visit him in Ann Arbor.”

The pie, which Pastilong’s wife had made for the dinner between the two families, was pumpkin.

“It’s a holiday classic,” she said.

The relationship between the two figures seemed to have went sour when Rodriguez decided to leave West Virginia for Michigan in December 2007.

But according to Rodriguez, that was not the case.

“He was pissed because I used the last bit of whipped cream on my pie,” the former coach said. “Everybody needs whipped cream on their pie, and I’m sorry if he didn’t get any, but I specifically asked for that when I signed my last contract extension.”

According to the contract acquired from Pastilong’s office files, Rodriguez hadn’t asked

for any sort of whipped cream stipulation.

“I swear I did,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, I think I did.

“Oh, nope, never mind, I actually just asked for more money instead. I figured that extra million dollars could go to extreme amounts of whipped cream.”

Rodriguez added that the extra $1 million that would’ve gone to the whipped cream investment would’ve been the deciding factor in whether or not to leave West Virginia.

“Everybody would’ve gotten some then,” he said. “I told him, but just like usual, he See Rodriguez page A7

April 1, 2008

Sports â– A7

The Daily Athenaeum - April Fool’s Edition

WVU student set to become NASCAR star MOORESVILLE, N.C. (DA) — NASCAR owner Roger Penske may have just discovered a diamond in the rough.

But he didn’t have to do much digging to find it.

After a nationwide search for new, young talent, the long-time NASCAR and Indy Car owner has found his man.

Brandon Brown, a senior broadcast news major at West Virginia University, beat out more than 100 candidates in a year-long tryout to become Penske Racing’s next Sprint Cup driver.

Brown competed in a racing simulator on a trip to this year’s Daytona 500 in February and posted one of the top times of the day.

Unbeknownst to him, however, Penske was watching and was impressed right away.

Brown was told by a Penske representative that he would be the next driver for Penkse Racing after the simulator was completed, but was instructed to keep the operation a secret until the paperwork was finalized.

It was not until Monday that Penske could comment on his newest prodigy. “The young man can drive, plain and simple,� Penske said. “Watching his performance reminded me a lot of a young Rusty Wallace – how he knifed through traffic and how aggressive he was. I’m very anxious and excited to see him in real competition.�

His first taste will come on July 5, at the Coke Zero 400 Powered

By Coca-Cola at Daytona International Speedway.

“To come in here and race for the first time at Daytona where this whole thing got started is something special,� Brown said. “I just want to get some experience, get in the draft and mix things up and just go out there and impress some people.�

The 22-year-old Gerrardstown, W.Va., native has been a NASCAR fan since the age of 6, and, to top

FILE PHOTO

NASCAR superfreak Brandon Brown it off, his favorite driver was Wallace, who started his career with Penske.

But maybe the most shocking part of the move is that Brown will be replacing veteran Kurt Busch, who took over in the No. 2 car after Wallace retired in 2005.

Busch, who has posted three victories in his two-plus years with Penske, has been involved in ontrack run-ins with fellow driver Tony Stewart and is currently outside the Top 12 in points.

He will concede the ride to Brown after the June 29 race at New Hampshire Motor Speedway. “Man, to take over a car that my idol drove for so many years is something special. I never missed a race when Rusty was driving,�

Brown said. “I still consider this his car, and I think it will be forever. I just want to make him and the team proud.�

Penske has long been known for giving young drivers a shot in the sport. In 1980, he gave 23-year-old Wallace his first opportunity.

Wallace drove two races for Penske that season, finishing second to Dale Earnhardt at Atlanta Motor Speedway his first time out and following it up with a 14th-place finish at Charlotte Motor Speedway.

Brown just hopes that his chance goes half as smooth. “You look at what Rusty did in his first start. That result is unreal,�

Brown said. “I’ve got some big shoes to fill. I just hope he’s available for some pointers along the way.�

Wallace, who is now an analyst for ESPN, thinks Brown will do just fine. “I’ve known Roger (Penske) for years and if he has confidence in the guy, then so do I. I’ve heard good things, but until you get a young guy out on the track you never know,� Wallace said. “I wish him all the best.�

The young driver, who idolized Wallace, will also get to don the black and gold colors that Wallace made famous in the mid-90s.

Miller Genuine Draft will sponsor the car for five races, starting with the Sharpie 500 at Bristol Motor

Speedway.

Brown will join fellow Penske drivers Sam Hornish Jr. and this year’s Daytona 500 champ, Ryan Newman.

He will also be joined by a familiar face to him and to Penske Racing.

Buddy Parrott will be atop the pit box when Brown starts his engine for the first time. Parrott was Wallace’s crew chief for the 199394 seasons when Wallace won 18 races.

He also was with Jeff Burton when he won his first race in 1997. “I love mentoring young guys.

The moment I heard that Penske was hiring a young guy who loved the sport, I wanted in,� Parrott said. “I was just happy that Roger would have me back after all these years.

I’m excited.�

Brown, who was an aspiring sports writer, will forego his final semester at WVU to go racing on America’s biggest stage. He was hoping to break into NASCAR via the journalism route, but to him, this is a one up. “I love WVU and I don’t think I could go to college any other place.

I’ll always be a Mountaineer, but you can’t turn down an opportunity like this, especially in this situation,� Brown said. “I can always come back for a year and graduate after this NASCAR thing ends and then take my chances in the broadcast booth.�

But if history is any indication, Brown will have to wait a while for that degree.

The world will just have to wait until July to find out.

DA SPORTS

ON TOP OF THE WORLD ya... we’re on top of the Empire State Building... get it?

CAN YOU HANDLE PERFECTION?

B-ball facility gets facelift after Sweet 16 run

By Tony Dobies Sports Editor

SOME RANDOM FIELD BEHIND THE COLISEUM — After the West Virginia University men’s basketball team’s run to the Sweet 16, WVU officials have announced plans to redo the initial renderings of the proposed basketball facility.

Associate athletic director Russ Sharp said WVU head coach Bob Huggins wanted to increase the amount of luxuries in the structure. “Because of this, the structure will now cost close to $50 million, but it will be worth it,� Sharp said.

Previously, the basketball practice facility was intended to cost around $18 to 22 million.

Some of the smaller changes include marble countertops in the coaches’ bathrooms, elevators in place of all planned stairwells, chandeliers in each room and a full-working, NBA-type scoreboard.

Every player will receive his own walk-in closet for a locker.

Huggins will also have a closet filled with blue undershirts, West Virginia windbreaker jackets and an endless surplus of gold-colored suits and shoes. Assistant head coach Billy Hahn will be given a closet filled with black turtlenecks.

WVU forward Joe Alexander will also be fashioned with a 1,000-square-foot apartment that will be attached to the facility, so he doesn’t have to sleep in the team room.

“I told them if I didn’t get it, I was going to the NBA,� Alexander said.

Another addition that will be added is a 24-hour entrance announcer. According to Sharp, any time a player enters the building an announcer will come on over a loud speaker and announce the arrival of the player.

The athletic department is currently trying to figure out a system to do this for the football and men’s basketball team members, when they walk into classrooms, as well.

WVU radio broadcaster Tony Caridi will also call play-by-play for all basketball practices. Jay Jacobs has been banned from the premises, according to Sharp.

Despite the added luxuries to the facility, Huggins said prac-

tices will not change. “I asked for a gold-laced and diamond-studded treadmill, so, they will still run, it will just be running in style,� Huggins said.

The most expensive piece that was added is something no other basketball program in the country has – an automatic walkway path to Detroit.

Detroit, of course, is the home of the 2009 Final Four. “It’s to be expected by year two that we make it to the Final Four,�

Huggins said. “This saves a plane trip.�

Sharp said the actual walkway will cost 18 times as much as a plane trip would but said it was needed to keep Huggins around. “Not really. J/K,� Sharp said. anthony.dobies@mail.wvu.edu

It’s where we get all our stories from anyways.

www.espn.com

Pryor Continued from page A6 was the icing on the cake.

And though the matter of breaking the commitment he made to Ohio State was dicey, it didn’t prove to be much trouble for the No. 1 prep player in the nation. “He’s Terrelle Pryor. Haven’t you seen him play on the field?�

Rodriguez said. “He can do whatever the hell he wants out there,

Smith Continued from page A6 older than 7, possibly 8, years of age. Surely, he could not outdo the legendary former associate sports editor at The Daily Athenaeum. Don’t count out the little guy, though. “With five seconds on the clock, the boy wonder dashed down the court and, just before the buzzer sounded, let loose a granny shot that arced perfectly

Rodriguez Continued from page A6 didn’t listen.�

At Michigan, Rodriguez was promised unlimited amounts of pie and whipped cream along with a larger salary to go along with the desserts. “It was just hard to say no with that type of deal,� Rodriguez said.

Currently, Rodriguez’s lawyers are trying to get West Virginia University to take a supplement of $4 million worth of dessert topping instead of the actual $4 million. “It’s not going to happen,� said WVU President Mike Garrison. “I don’t even use whipped cream on my pumpkin pie. “In fact, I don’t even like pumpkin pie. I’m more of an apple kind of guy.� anthony.dobies@mail.wvu.edu

so why not out here?�

But Pryor’s move has left Tressel in a sour mood since the crown jewel of his recruiting season jumped ship. “Since Terrelle left for SHIT, the (expletive) has hit the fan,�

Tressel said. “There’s just no loyalty in college athletics anymore.

No one’s word means anything.

It’s annoying, like a person making an extended poop joke. It stinks.� dan.stefano@mail.wvu.edu

into the basket with a sweetsounding swoosh. The ensuing cheers were nearly as loud as those that follow a Joe Alexander dunk, and the boy collected his $100 prize.�

The e-mail confirmed everything in the column was correct, except one thing: the dirty money. “Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about,� Stefano said. “Yeah, whatever that e-mail said, it’s not true.�

Stefano, who lists squirrels

Recruit Continued from page A6 have only Joes on the court,� he said. “I’m not sure exactly how it will work, but hell, I have 600-plus wins.�

Joe Herber is happy to see that there is another Mountaineer name Joe on the roster. “Wait a second, how tall did you say he was?� Herber said, who added that he will for sure add to the tradition of successful Joes be-

cause of his height.

But there is one person who isn’t happy with the addition of Forthree to the WVU basketball team besides all college basketball coaches and centers who have to find ways to stop him next season. “I really don’t know how this is going to work,� WVU’s game day announcer said. “People are going to get confused when I say ‘Forthree for three.’�

Student living, PERFECTED. The freedom to choose where you live is yours. That’s why we’re committed to providing perfect living and learning environments with everything you need for when you’re studying and when you’re not.

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that can waterski as his interests this week. on Facebook.com, has a long his“I want my $100,� Krise said. tory of lying within the walls at “He took it away from me.�

The Daily Athenaeum. He claims The two have been friends his waistline is a size 31; how- since freshman year.

Jebb â&#x20AC;&#x153;But not anymore,â&#x20AC;? Krise said. ever, one coworker disputes this <h[[ claim. â&#x20AC;&#x153;That canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be true,â&#x20AC;? one source dasports@mail.wvu.edu said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;His waist is entirely too big to be a 31.â&#x20AC;?

Krise, who was replaced as edThe C. Eugene Bennett Department of Chemistry itor by Stefano on April 10, 2006, and the Eberly College of Arts and Sciences is looking for compensation. He at West Virginia University is preparing to file a lawsuit at Cordially invite you to attend the Monongalia County Court later

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Fourteenth Annual C. Eugene and Edna P. Bennett Careers for Chemists Program Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 7:30 pm Durrett Hall, Erickson Alumni Center West Virginia University

Invited Speakers: Norman D. Ferrari III, M.D. Senior Associate Dean for Student Services and Academic Progress West Virginia University School of Medicine Morgantown, WV Ranjani Siriwardane, Ph.D. Group Leader, Separations and Fuels Processing Division National Energy Technology Laboratory United States Department of Energy Morgantown, WV Philip J. Grandinetti, Ph.D. Professor, Department of Chemistry The Ohio State University Columbus, OH Free Admission - Dessert Reception to Follow Please join us and discover the value of a chemistry degree.

A8

Arts & Entertainment

April Fool’s Day A&E Editor: Patrick Snyder Associate A&E Editor: Shelly Davidov DAA&E@mail.wvu.edu 304.293.5092

Mean Gene outraged over Music venue 123 opens sister club 456 closing of Mean Gene’s

By Patrick Snyder

By Leann Ray

A&E Editor

Don’t you know who I am!?

After years of force-feeding indie hipsters their brand of hip-hop at 123 Pleasant St., the Soundvizion rappers are getting a special venue.

At the address of 125 Pleasant St., “456” will feature acts 6’6 240, Jathara, Ace Beanz and Johnny Harmonic biweekly.

Morgantown rockers and rappers have always gotten along well, but awkward set changes and forced conversations have been the main reasons for the split.

“Man, you know, we just needed our own place to call home,” 6’6 240 said. “We’ve just been steppin’ on their toes for too long.”

Harmonic said mixing the genres was a good idea, but “all that crazy screamin’ and yellin’ don’t work too well with what we’re tryin’ to do here,” leaving the idea at that – an idea.

456 will be the building directly to the right of 123. Club owner L.J. Guilliani said the name “456” came from the continuation of “123.”

“They’ll only be related in their names,” Guilliani said of 123 and 456. “456 won’t have any Black Labels behind the bar, for one.

Probably no PBR, either.”

456 will mainly serve Patron, Cristal, Colt 45 and Goldschlager. Courvoisier will also be frequently passed around the bar in honor of Busta Rhymes’ song, “Pass the Courvoisier.”

“That is what rappers like to drink, right?” Guilliani said.

“Why would they sing about it if they don’t like it? That’s my thoughts.”

Brian Spragg, lead vocalist and guitarist of It’s Birds, is glad the rockers and rappers are getting individual venues.

“It’s not that we don’t like each other – those guys are real nice,” he said. “It’s just so odd some-

Although most West Virginia University students were happy to see Burger King in the Mountainlair, one alumni is upset.

Eugene “Mean Gene” Okerlund, a graduate of WVU and a former WCW and WWF/ WWE announcer and interviewer, recently found out that Burger King took the place of his restaurant, Mean Gene’s Burgers.

“I was Googling myself and found the 2001 press release about the opening of Mean Gene’s and got a little tearyeyed. What’s better than having a burger joint named after you at your alma mater?”

Okerlund said.

However, after a few more Google searches, his pride turned to outrage.

He started to search for the Mountainlair location and couldn’t find it listed anywhere. Once visiting WVU’s Web site, Okerlund discovered that Burger King had taken the place of his pride and joy.

“I couldn’t believe it. Jerry West gets a statue, and my restaurant is replaced with a god d--- Burger King,” Okerlund said. “Burger Kings are everywhere. How many Mean Gene’s are there? Not many, I can tell you that for a fact.”

He went on to ask if Don Knott’s star on High Street would be replaced by Ben Affleck “because he’s the Burger King equivalent who married a native West Virginian.”

Mean Gene’s Burgers opened in the Mountainlair in the 2001 fall semester. Burger King took

KENDAL MONTGOMERY/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

6’6 240 is glad he doesn’t have to share a venue with indie hipsters anymore. times … I mean, me with my giant beard and then 6’6 simply is a giant – he could probably crush me if he wanted to.”

Others are concerned with the atmosphere outside of the bars.

With the different lifestyles and personalities, the groups could find discrepancies and sort them out with force.

Trey Curtis, guitarist and vocalist for Librarians, doesn’t like the idea of fighting the rappers.

“Are you serious?” he said. “If I got in a fight with one of those guys, I’d get knocked around so hard – I’m not a scrappy guy or strong for that matter. Plus, they’re all so much bigger than we are.”

Curtis and many others of the rocker clique are glad the rappers haven’t realized they could take out the rockers, which is another reason for their happiness of 456’s opening.

Before the opening, the rappers could have simply taken 123 by force. Now they have no reason to.

“We’re just glad they’re all nice,” Curtis said. “We wouldn’t have stood a chance.” “(Fighting) is just not in our blood,” Harmonic said. “The rockers and us, we’re all into music, so that makes us family. Love is in our blood – not fighting.” patrick.snyder@mail.wvu.edu

its place in April 2006.

Mean Gene started his wrestling career in the early 1970s with the American Wrestling Association. In 1984, he joined the World Wrestling Federation as an announcer/interviewer.

Okerlund left the WWF for World Championship Wrestling in 1993. However, he returned to the WWF in 2001, which was renamed WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) in 2002.

Okerlund was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 1, 2006, just weeks before Burger King took over Mean Gene’s spot in the ’Lair.

Jesse “The Body” Ventura, former governor of Minnesota, gave Mean Gene his nickname.

“I can’t believe that they closed down Mean Gene’s,” Ventura said. “Who is the governor? Give me his number.

We’ll talk governor to governor and get this mess straightened out.”

Another WWE Hall of Famer, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, also talked with Okerlund about the matter.

“Ol’ Mean Gene called me and started filibusterin’ about some burgers, and I said, ‘Mean Gene, unless you’re talkin’ ’bout wings, I ain’t interested,’” Rhodes said.

Rhodes refused to comment further on anything that didn’t involve wings.

Okerlund said that once he found out about the closing, he immediately contacted WVU to find out what happened.

The University pointed the finger at the Student Government Association.

“They kept calling it SGA,” Okerlund said. “I don’t know what that is, all I know is that they obviously don’t appreciate what wrestling has done for America and what Mean Gene’s Burger’s did for WVU.” After a few hours, Okerlund was finally able to get ahold of current SGA President Jason Parsons.

“I said, ‘Son, who put the Burger King in the Mountainlair?’ and he said, ‘We did.’ He sounded very proud,” Okerlund said. “Then I said, ‘Son, do you know who I am? I’m Mean Gene Okerlund of Mean Gene’s Burgers, and you’ve messed with the wrong burger joint.’”

Parsons then said he didn’t personally get the Burger King in the Mountainlair, but that it is the SGA’s biggest accomplishment, according to Okerlund.

“I explained to this kid that I’m very close with Hulk Hogan and The Big Show. He thought I was suggesting them for fundraising,” Okerlund said.

“I don’t know what SGA is, but SGA is cruisin’ for a bruisin’.”

Hogan, one of the wrestling world’s most popular wrestlers, who starred on VH1’s reality show “Hogan Knows Best,” has taken Okerlund’s side, as well.

“Whatcha gonna do, SGA, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” Hogan said in an email statement.

SGA members were unavailable for comment by press time. leann.ray@mail.wvu.edu

‘Hackers,’ ‘Problem Child’ on 2008 National Film Registry

By Justin Channell A&E Film Critic

Librarian of Congress Arthur P. Billingsworth has finally announced the 10 titles that will be inducted into the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress.

Ever since the National Film Preservation Act was passed in 1992, 10 films have been added to the registry each year.

The Librarian of Congress chooses the films based on advice from the National Film Preservation Board. To qualify, the films must be 10 years old and selection is based on significance in culture and history.

Among this year’s notable inductees is the 1990 film “Troll 2.”

When questioned about the cultural significance of “Troll 2,” film scholar and NFPB President Skip McGirvin was unable to hold back his enthusiasm.

McGirvin was later asked to explain why the film had been selected, when the first “Troll” film had not been selected for the prestigious list.

“Come on, no one cares about ‘Troll 1’, it’s all about ‘Troll 2,’” McGirvin said.

Another pick is “Hackers,” the 1995 cyberpunk teen thriller featuring a young Angelina Jolie.

According to McGirvin, the film was selected due to “heavyhanded realism, which created a wave of fear and panic across the world.”

However, he later admitted he did not even see the film upon its original release and only caught it on Cinemax on a free preview weekend a few months ago when he had a small bout of mononucleosis.

McGirvin refused to comment if the film “The Net” had been considered for similar reasons.

Also among the inductees is the 1990 comedy “Problem Child,” which stars John Ritter and a redheaded child actor who no one heard from ever again.

“I do believe that all American citizens have a deep bond with ‘Problem Child,’” Billingsworth said before announcing the titles.

“Anyone with cable television will agree,” McGirvin added, “that upon seeing the film again, they become filled with warm sentimental memories of afternoon programming on USA Network. It’s a truly breathtaking experience.”

The 1988 corpse-comedy “Weekend at Bernie’s” was also added due to its repeated showings on cable television being

“more socially significant than The Beatles appearing on Ed Sullivan.”

Thankfully, the NFPB assured everyone that the film’s sequels would not be inducted.

“Come on, no one cares about ‘Problem Child 2’ or even ‘Problem Child 3’ for that matter,” McGirvin said. “And besides, the third one was made-for-TV anyway. It doesn’t even count as a real movie.”

McGirvin’s statement contradicted last year’s inclusion of “Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style.”

The following is the entire list of inductees for this year: 1. “Problem Child” 2. “Troll 2” 3. “Kindergarten Cop” 4. “Hackers” 5. “Johnny Mnemonic” 6. “Ernest Goes To Jail” 7. “Weekend at Bernie’s” 8. “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” 9. The last half hour of “Hudson Hawk” 10. “Treasure of the Sierra Madre” Everyone on the board later admitted that ‘Treasure of the Sierra Madre’ was merely “a guilty pleasure, but we decided to add it anyway.” justin.channell@mail.wvu.edu

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Black Label beer shortage incites riot at 123 Pleasant St.

By Andy Smith A&E Writer

Tragedy struck 123 Pleasant St. on Saturday night as the lower bar reportedly did not have $1 Black Labels for show-goers.

According to one attendee of the concert, it was an event he “will never forget.”

“I had one dollar left

out the angry bar crowd.

“We were just finishing up our set of overly complicated math rock when a riot broke out,” Stagg said. “People got even worse when they were offered Pabst as a substitute for fifty cents more.

“I just don’t get what the big deal is. Maybe I’m biased since we already had Black Labels,

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and I hadn’t gotten my buzz yet,“ said Crispin Thompson, a local coffee shop worker. “It was the worst thing to happen to the Morgantown music scene since reggae.”

Black Labels currently account for 98 percent of the beer consumed at the bar.

When a bartender announced that he had no more of the product, reports stated that “mayhem ensued.” Local musician and selfdescribed “townie” Ulrich Johnson had his own views toward the circumstance.

“This would not have happened back when Minor Threat played here,” Johnson said. “Whatever happened to punk rock? Whatever happened to my hairline?”

For Bryce Stagg, lead singer for the band It’s Marsupials, even live music could not drown

though,” he added.

It’s Marsupials reportedly ran off the stage when a “barrage” of beer bottles were thrown at it in protest to the beer shortage.

“Sure, the music is important,” Thompson said. “But if there’s one thing you have to know about these show-goers, it’s that you can’t come between them and cheap beer. There’s a relationship between beer and music that makes virtually any band listenable. You just can’t break that pact.”

“Dollar beers are one of those rights that are just expected of the 123 Pleasant St. establishment,” Thompson said. “When you’re face-to-face with a crappy hardcore band, it’s the only salvation you have.” andy.smith@mail.wvu.edu

Panel to Panel Graphic Novel Reviews This week’s “Panel to Panel: First Ish Spotlight” discusses the new series “Super-Secret War Invasion” from Marvel Comics.

The plot of the new crossover event finds the Marvel Universe rocked by a new alien species, Skrills, that have been posing as Skrulls, who have posed as characters within Marvel’s continuity.

Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada promotes the new series as something that cannot be missed by fans.

“I swear that Mesphisto won’t have anything to do with this,” Quesada said. “But I still reserve the right to change everything that happens if it doesn’t market well.”

“Don’t trust anyone,” said Marvel spokesperson Colin Spencer. “Not only do readers have to figure out which hero or villain is a Skrull, but now which of the Skrulls are this whole new species we created to confuse you even more.”

According to Spencer, Marvel creators have been planning this out for decades.

Arts & Entertainment ■ A9

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with Andy Smith

“This goes way back to the ’60s Stan Lee stuff,” Spencer said. “On Amazing Fantasy #15, Spiderman is holding a man. That man is totally a Skrill. Just look at him – total Skrill.”

Spencer maintains that only “real fans” will follow the series.

“Buy this book, please,” Spencer said. “We even made all the packaging and covers look the same so you’d have to buy all of the hardcovers.

“Characters will die. You should know that. Even characters who have died will die again,” he added.

Local comic-book buyer Dirk Reynolds claims to be quite excited about the series.

“Make mine Marvel,” Reynolds said. “I don’t care if the book is late and they are recycling ’80s storylines. When Marvel says, ‘This will change everything forever,’ they mean it. Just look at Spiderman and Mary Jane getting married. Oh, wait … ” andy.smith@mail.wvu.edu

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer’s a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick’ and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

“

”

— Chris Rock

LFO reunites for W.Va. tour

By Katie Griffith A&E Writer

“Shoobie Doo Wop and Scoobie Snacks.” The band that put Abercrombie and Fitch on the map is back.

In 2003, the American music industry suffered one of its most crippling blows since the death of the Elvis Presley lip curl, with the news that the intuitive musical stylings of the Lyte Funky Ones would be no more.

But now, those who wallow in the misery of lyrical sensibility can finally put away their middle school nostalgia and therapeutic collection of boy band singles and empty out some space on their mp3 players for the latest from the Funky Ones.

On June 9 at 7:30 p.m., the band that gave us “Girl on TV” and “Summer Girls,” LFO, will grace the WVU Coliseum in the kick-off concert of its reunion tour, celebrating the release of its newest album, “Since That Summer.”

The new album, on sale May 16, features two remixes of its classic and most well-known hits as well as sure-to-be chart toppers such as “Chinese Food Sucks” and “Footloose is Lame.”

“I’ve always been hip to the B-boy style,” said front man and song writer Rich Cronin, referring to musical inspirations, such as the 1980s group New Edition and its hit single “Candy Girl.”

Other inspirations include William Shakespeare, who wrote a whole bunch of sonnets, New Kids on the Block, another ’80s pop group which had a bunch of hits, and Paul Revere, a determined patriot.

Like his predecessors, Cronin said, “We’re known to act wild and make girls smile,” and he and the other band members, Devin Lima and Brad Fischetti, have missed touring.

“I think about that summer and I bug ’cause I miss it,

like the color purple, macaroni and cheese, ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees,” said Lima, an environmentalist and fan of Judy Garland, recalling the band’s 230-city concert tour in 2000. In addition, the group opened for diva Britney Spears the same year and coheadlined Nickelodeon’s All That Music & More summer tour.

Lima hopes the reunion will continue its previous success, which garnered much critical attention and the prestigious Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award for Favorite Group of the Year in 2000. LFO was also recognized by Play Along Toys, who made dolls of the group in 2001.

The hip-hop artist Marshall

Mathers, stage name “Eminem,” a great friend of the band in its heyday, is very supportive of the reunion. Eminem was recently quoted saying, “I can’t wait ’til I catch all you faggots in public. I’m ’a love it.”

Fischetti laughed when he heard of Mather’s affectionate antics.

“We’re BFFs,” Fishcetti said.

“We’re always joking like that.

I’ll steal his honey like he stole my bike – it just goes back and forth.”

Fischetti is glad for Mather’s support and excited to open the reunion in Morgantown.

“I think it’s fly that we’ll a stop by for the summer,” he said. katherine.griffith@mail.wvu.edu

MYSPACE.COM/RICHCRONIN

LFO front man Rich Cronin has “always been hip to the B-band style.”

NEWS.BOSTONHERALD.COM

Boy band LFO (Lyte Funky Ones) will visit Morgantown to perform classic hits like “Summer Girls” and “Girl on TV.”

Tired of Facebook? Then search the DA archive to find your friends in Campus Crume!

www.da.wvu.edu

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Vice Versa hosts ‘Guys’ Night In’

By Shelly Davidov Associate A&E Editor

Outside the infinite urban diversity of New York City or the sun-tanned, fashion-based culture of Miami and Los Angeles, the homely hills of West Virginia is seemingly the last place any homosexual individual would come to for understanding. Even Morgantown’s alternative dance club Vice Versa is taking steps to thrust the local gay community back in the closet.

From 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday, Vice Versa’s first-ever outreach event “Guys’ Night In” will offer a series of activities, lectures and support group gatherings designed to accomplish a seemingly impossible feat: turn the gay straight.

The club, located at 335 High St., will be divided into two sections for gay men and lesbian women. According to event coordinator Ben Dover, “Guys’ Night In” intends to bring out the masculinity in gays and the femininity in lesbians.

Classes for gay men will range from Game Hunting for Dummies and Female Anatomy to more leisurely activities like Beer Tasting 101 and ESPN Classics marathons.

Events for lesbian participants will include a Mary Kay make-up party, a movie viewing of “Pretty Woman,” a Yogalates class and Cake Baking for Beginners. Lunch will be catered by Damon’s Grill for the men and Panera Bread for the women.

As a special treat, reformed gay porn stars Rod Longfellow and Helga Humphreys will present their nationally-praised motivational lectures. Both Longfellow’s lecture, “Deep Impact: Back from the Crack,” and Humphrey’s lecture, “Strap-Off : Finding the Barbie Within,” will discuss both performers’ dramatic histories in adult films and their life-changing decisions to pursue heterosexuality.

According to Dover, “Guys’ Night In” offers a different but realistic experience for participants.

“Of course Vice Versa believes in acceptance and diversity,” Dover said. “But come on, this is West Virginia. ‘Will & Grace’ reruns are where most locals get any glimpse of gay culture. ‘Guys’ Night In’ might help gay people in Morgantown find some balance.”

According to 10-year club patron Harry Cox, “Guys’ Night In” is a welcome change of pace.

“Sure, I been to all the usual parties like ‘Drag in a Bag’ and the ‘Military Ball,’” Cox said. “But I thought to myself, ‘Hey, why not see how the other half lives for once?’”

To register for a spot at “Guys’ Night In,” sign up on the event Web site at www.rightwayforgays. com.

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shelly.davidov@mail.wvu.edu

Pulitzer Paris: Hilton wins prize

By Katie Griffith A&E Writer

The results of the 2008 Pulitzer Prize winners and finalists, to be officially announced April 7, have been leaked.

Among the winners, which in the past have included Frank McCourt and William Faulkner, is Paris Hilton. Hilton is a well-known American celebutant, actress, model, business woman and author who recently enjoyed critical success for her memoir, “Jail Sucks,” a harrowing account of her 2007 prison sentence in the L.A. county jail.

“I just want to let people know what I went through,” said Hilton at the release party of her book, which took place in New York City’s Marquee Club, a favorite pole-dancing venue for the Hilton posse.

“When (Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer) sentenced me to that much time in jail, it was shocking because that doesn’t happen, like, ever,” Hilton said. “I am a social person. I love to dance. I love to go out. I love music,” she said.

“But jail’s not hot.”

Among the various traumas Hilton experienced was gastronomic abuse, which she writes about in her book, exposing the horrors of the California penal system and the unfair treatment of celebrity felons.

“The food was horrible,” Hilton said. “It was jail food. Lunch was basically a bologna sandwich. They call it mystery meat.

It’s pretty scary. Two pieces of bread and some mayonnaise.”

But Hilton rose above the difficulties of the high-security prison to give her experience a

more philosophical turn.

“I feel like God does make everything happen for a reason,” Hilton said. “And it gave me, you know, a time-out in life just to really find out what is important and what I want to do, figure out who I am. And even though it was really hard, I took that time just to get to know myself.”

Hilton said she prayed every day with a nun, and riding the wave of religious reformation, she announced she would be visiting Rwanda in November 2007 as a

post-jail vow. Unfortunately, perfume launches and canned wine promotions have since postponed the trip until an unknown date in 2008.

Hilton hasn’t yet issued a formal statement of acceptance for the Pulitzer award and isn’t scheduled to until the official announcement but is very excited about the honor.

“First of all, the book parties will be really fun!” she said. katherine.griffith@mail.wvu.edu

Tuesday, April 1, 2008