February 6, 2014 by The Daily Pennsylvanian

February 6, 2014 34st.com

ARCHITECTURAL BUCKET LIST | LOWBROW #TBT

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2014 3 HIGHBROW the round–up, word on the street, in/out, over heards

4 EGO

ego of the week, phil(ly)anthropy, penn & ink, ask a freshman

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7 FILM

classic of the week, movie review, how to fall in love

9, 12 MUSIC

album reviews, meet the penn musician

10 FEATURE LOL

gregory: a house of their own

13 FOOD & DRINK super olympa bowl

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Yesterday I went downtown to treat myself to a haircut and some much needed off–campus alone time. Seated comfortably in the safety of the rear–most station, I was ready to let my mind wander from the consuming topics of the Penn bubble. The small talk from my stylist was more than welcome, it was necessary for my peace of mind. Except she didn’t want to small talk, she wanted to dig right into what was consuming me. Did I know any of the students who died? Can I believe what’s going on? And then she asked me if I read that article from a campus

magazine about the university’s response to student deaths. A client had told her about it. Yeah, I read it. While I wanted to be angry that my escape was being ruined, I wasn’t. I was proud that something so dear to me had started such an important dialogue. With the events of this week, I’m even more grateful that the dialogue continues. And I’m going to keep talking about it until something changes. I hope you’ll join me.

TO THE WINDOW, TO THE WALL–NUT TO THE SWEAT DROP DOWN MY BALL—point pen ALL THESE WRITERS CRAWL—to 4015 Walnut srsly come, 6:30

15 ARTS

DIY, campus aesthetics, architectural bucket list

17 LOWBROW

tbt headlines, tbt fashion, tbt dispatch, tbt ritz bits, tbt bar mitzvah, tbt wishlist

20 BACKPAGE

state of the (Penn) union

AHHHH STREET STREET MUTHAF*CKA AHHHH STREET STREET, GOD DAMN.

Come to the

Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Assistant Photo Julia Liebergall, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Nicole Malick, Ego Randi Kramer, Ego Emily Marcus, Food and Drink Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 6 , 2 01 4

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Tonight. 6:30 p.m. 4015 Walnut St.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE

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Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Casey Quackenbush, Film and TV Michelle Ma, Features Zacchiaus McKee, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Ciara Stein, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Emma Soren, Lowbrow Patrick Del Valle, Lowbrow Marley Coyne, Backpage Emily Johns, Copy Clare Lombardo, Copy Justin Sheen, Copy

Alyssa Berlin, Web Producer Katie Hartman, Web Producer Giulia Imholte, Web Producer Lauren Greenberg, Social Media Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Assistant Social Media Rosa Escandon, Multimedia COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey Contributors: Cody Smith, Mark Paraskevas, Devon O'Connor, Michael Shostek, Joanna Glum, Kimberly Lu, Ben Lerner, Carolyn Grace, Nayeli Riano

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "We said a lot of weird things about One Direction last night." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday

HIGHBROW

HIGHBROW'S ULTRA OVERSIMPLIFIED wordonthestreet I'M YOUR CRAZY GIRLFRIEND GUIDE TO RELEVANCE BY KIMBERLY LU

What’s in and what’s out at this very moment. Nothing lasts forever, babe.

Out

Tinder

Schmear

Einstein

ARCH

The Krishna P. Singh Center

Yellow Brick Frosh

Underground Frosh

Class dogs

Frat dogs

Snow days

Actual Snow

Hot sauce-covered freshmen

Saucy freshmen

THEROUNDUP To the pre-professionals whom it may concern: We see you in that Ann Taylor Loft statement necklace. But don’t get your pantsuit in a bunch when you see us in the OCR suite. We aren’t competing for a Goldman spot. Highbrow already has a job: recruiting the most qualified and wellrounded gossip. At a Tabard bowling date night, freshman pledges weren’t the only ones in the gutter. After one too many, a sophomore socialite decided to embody a bowling ball, rolling off the back of the bus to campus. But her strike didn’t stop there. Highbrow hears this pin-up girl (get it?) kept on rolling, off the front porch and into the night, only stopping when the Society physically took her down. May we suggest bumpers next time? Speaking of "bowl"ing, Phi Delt truly out-broed itself at its Super Bowl party last Sunday. Sources say that one bro secretly counted how many chicken wings were consumed by their female guests throughout the night. After the ladies had left the gathering, the mathematician separated the numbers by sorority in order to determine the hungriest sisterhood. No word yet on an official winner, but we’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, Highbrow declares “Touchdown: chauvinism!” Valentine’s Day may still be a week away, but love is already polluting the air. In the throes of young love and Banker’s, one sophomore Romeo paid a midnight visit to his alleged Juliet at her off–campus home. With the keys to her heart but not to her house, the star–crossed lover forced his way inside, taking down part of the door with him. Juliet’s startled housemates found their intruder emptying his bladder in the secondfloor bathroom. Make yourself at home, Romeo. Just be sure to use the doorbell next time. Ke$ha may be in rehab, but her songs continue to bring the rowdy at Penn frat parties. As “We R Who We R” blared through the speakers at a TEP party, one DFMOing couple showed their true colors...in the biblical sense. Ke$ha may have had her “hot pants on and up,” but these sweaty teens took theirs off altogether, proceeding to have sex on the dance floor. Oh, you horny Quakers, has Miss Cassandra taught you nothing? Ke$ha might like your beard, but we don’t like seeing your penis. Next time you feel the need to be yourself, take it somewhere else.

over heard PENN at

Under the Button Editor: I was having a really good convo with this guy on Tinder until he called me a sexy Jewess. OCR JAP: If I got a second round interview at Goldman, I wouldn’t even take it. I’m just not that into finance. Girl in Houston: My dream job is to be a real estate broker and have sex in all the houses before selling them. Locust Geek: I watched like three episodes of Digimon this morning. It’s actually so underrated. AXO: Saladworks is my underrated, favorite restaurant.

“Don’t ever, ever call me again, you low–life scum, you trash!” I hang up with finality, promising that this is the last time I break up with my on–again, off–again “boyfriend”—at least, that’s what I think I’m supposed to call him. It’s hard when no one wants to put a label on anything in college, but everyone still wants rules about who sleeps where and whether to make that call checking in around 1 am. I am the prototypical “crazy girlfriend.” I succumb to all the crazy gf misgivings—I check his phone when it buzzes, ask those heavy questions about what he’s doing Friday night, stalk his Facebook for cutesy posts from other girls. Even to myself, I sound “over–invested” in a relationship that I’m too scared to acknowledge with something as serious as “FB official” status. But I’m not the only crazy one. As my girlfriends and I gather in our usual Saturday morning brunch spot, I’m acutely aware of their "crazy antics." Last Friday night, Jackie scrolled through her boyfriend’s texts when he was asleep. The kicker is that he’s a proud owner of the new iPhone 5S, but she just pressed his indolent finger to the lock key and presto—she’s in. Steph just had a fight with her “exclusive” hook–up over the hot girl he recently followed on Instagram. She’s positive he’s not following a 27 year–old stripper because he likes her filters. Sometimes these shameful confessions are funny, but most of the time, they echo a truly deep fear that many college kids share: no one is trustworthy. I’m not saying that this assertion is true; I’m merely pointing out the factors that drive us all nuts. In this digital age, it’s incredibly easy for anyone to have a second or third identity. It’s easier to keep your secrets in your inbox than a lockbox, and only you know the shameful things that a few clicks can surface. It doesn’t help when most people are scared that being in anything too serious or too official might just lead to less fun or a missed opportunity. After all, this is college. There are tons of young, beautiful people who are looking for other young, beautiful people to DFMO with on any given night. Even I can admit that titles and relationships are confusing, especially after six shots of God–knows–what. It’s even worse when all of us have been hurt before. If you are one of the lucky few who hasn’t had your sneaking suspicions confirmed, bless you. May you wander in your blissful state until you are married with three children and pleased with your beautiful, white–picket–fence life. But if you’re like me, or like one of my girlfriends, or like Natalie Portman in Closer, you know building trust is like birthing twins—harder the second time around. So forgive me if I’m dating you and I can’t help flinching every time you Snapchat that cute girl from back home, but I am your crazy girlfriend and I will unapologetically keep doing these crazy things until someone proves to me that these things are, in fact, crazy...until someone proves to me that trusting someone is sane. F E B R U A R Y 6 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: JEREMY PINCUS

This Phi Psi/Sphinx dreamboat will lead you through the wilderness with PennQuest or serenade you with The Shabbatones—but most importantly, this former One in Four president will always treat the ladies right, because consent is sexy. Street: There are two types of people at Penn... Jeremy Pincus: Those who did PennQuest and those who wish they did. Street: What’s your favorite PennQuest memory from freshman year? JP: Definitely my tandem poop. Street: Sorry, what? JP: You shit with somebody else. We were in the woods, and you know the way people like...[hold] each other up when they’re both on the ground? We were like, leaning backwards, and both of our pants were [at our ankles] and making eye contact and pooping. It’s wild. Street: What made you want to become a PennQuest leader?

JP: I just had such an incredible experience. Those three days defined my freshman year, and I didn’t want the feeling to go away. And it also made me super comfortable with myself and my body and my being. And, like, my shit.

violence. My time as president of One in Four was great. I got to interface with a lot of really wonderful administrators. It was weird being the only guy in the Women’s Center lounge for a few months, but then I kind of got over that. I’m one of the girls now.

Street: What’s one thing you need to survive in the wilderness? JP: Short shorts. I really like to hike in short shorts. Rain or shine.

Street: For the uninitiated, what’s One in Four’s mission? JP: We are Penn’s all–male sexual assault awareness and rape prevention group. We’re in a visible position to make change. We’re doing something that is against traditional fraternity culture and re–defining what healthy masculinity is. There’s always a little inertia to overcome the first time you say to a friend, “Don’t say that test just ‘raped’ you, it’s not cool.” But after that, there’s no real, rational

Street: How did you get involved with One in Four? JP: I came into Penn not being an activist. And then I met some people that encouraged me to interview for One in Four. I had never known that I had known someone that had been affected by sexual

argument to be against what we do...you know, appealing to people’s inner soul. Street: What are some things you wish you knew about Penn before you applied? JP: The Women’s Center is awesome, and you don’t have to identify as a woman to be welcome there. They have free condoms on the tables. Also, the a cappella scene is huge. Street: You’re in Shabbatones, right? Do you speak Hebrew? JP: I’m actually baptized. I was brought up Presbyterian, but I now self–identify as Jewish and I’m going to start my conversion process. Street: Did the Shabbatones help you come to that decision? JP: Absolutely.

JP: Hands down Aladdin. I Street: If you are what you eat, sang the big one for my Penwhat would you be? nQuest interview. JP: I’m vegetarian so I’d be a vegetable! Street: As in "A Whole New World"? Street: What’s your spirit ani- JP: That one! We make kids mal? do weird shit in the interview. JP: Well I’m kind of hairy...so a bear. A baby brown bear. Street: What was your first AIM screenname? Street: Tell us about your first JP: TheJester46. Capital T, kiss. capital J. JP: Classic 13 year–old relationship, it was like three Street: My PennCard looks weeks into us “dating,” and like… we’d never kissed. Just like the JP: My PennCard looks like awkward hug at the end of the “what PennCard?” because school day and then texting I’m on number six, I’ve lost furiously all night. We were so many of them and broken on the couch. She just made most of them. a move. I was like, alright. She just went for it. Oh, she went Street: What will you be dofor it. ing on this day in 10 years? JP: In 10 years? I’ll be thirty— Street: What’s your favorite holy...I’ll be 32. I’ll be going to Disney movie? work, like a shmuck.

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EGO

PHIL(LY)ANTHROPY

Looking to be involved with a cause—and not just for a resume boost? Check out these low–commitment, big–impact opportunities. Contact: Carly Roman (croman@ sas.upenn.edu), or check out the Facebook page “UPenn GlamourGals” ✩ Accessibility: ★★★✩✩ Join if you: Love visiting Nana in Boca every year. Pro–tip: The sparklier the better.

You love your grandma, and now you can love somebody else's grandma too. To forge some intergenerational bonds, the Penn chapter of national nonprofit GlamourGals goes to St. Ignatius Nursing Home in Philadelphia every month to provide manicures to residents. This group is a fun way to give back and spread a little TLC. The next manicure session is February 8 at 2:30 PM.

Contact: Eric Xu (ericxu@sas.upenn.edu) Accessibility:

Fitness for Life ventures out to schools in West Philadelphia throughout the semester, teaching the importance of exercise, nutrition and healthy living. Michelle Obama will commend your dedication to teaching healthy habits to the younger generation.

Spare an hour and a half any Sunday to visit Hillel, when UCHC Soup Kitchen welcomes members of the West Philadelphia community in need of a hot meal. Help serve food to guests and spend some time getting to know a few Philly locals for a unique and rewarding study break.

Still hungry for some good karma? Check out more Phil(ly)anthropy online @ 34st.com You do–gooder, you. Your mother is just SO proud.

★★★✩✩ ✩ Join if you: Miss elementary school P.E. Pro–tip: Hope you’re good at dodgeball. Contact: Allison Resnick (atr@ sas.upenn.edu) Accessibility: ★★★★★ Join if you: Are looking to leave the Penn bubble without actually leaving. Pro–tip: No kippah? No problem! ALEX FRIEDMAN

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EGO

Student Tattoo of the Week Left Pec: Mark has found inspiration in this Nietzsche quote since age 14, and has wanted this tattoo ever since. The quote is a reminder that whatever life throws his way, if he has a strong enough reason driving him, he can overcome any obstacle. Mark's inspiration will always be to make his family proud, and to repay his parents for all they have done and sacrificed for him. He had the tattoo hennaed multiple times before recently having it inked for real at a local Philly tattoo shop. Parent approved?: Mark’s mom wasn’t happy when she discovered the tattoo in Mark’s cover photo, but she’s come around. Pretty neat–zsche if you ask us.

Name: Mark Bai Year: 2016 Major: Economics Minor: Philosophy

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO LIVE IN DUBOIS?

I put DuBois on my housing application because it said it had a kitchen and, though I can’t cook, I thought that might be cool. When I found out my first seven dorm choices had been ignored, I went straight to the Penn ’17 Facebook group to find tips on how to switch rooms. However, once I got on campus, I realized how clutch it was to have my own bathroom. From there, my perspective slowly began to change. Who needs beautiful Quad architecture when I have a view of Bobby’s and Chipotle? The kitchen may be weird—there’s a giant closet dividing the stove and sink, which really doesn’t make any sense—but one of my roommates loves to cook, so every once in a while I get a top notch, swipe–free meal in my own building (suck on that, Hill). An added bonus: My roommates and I each have our own (albeit small) bedrooms. Guess who still gets along because we’re not living on top of each other? Residents may not have the glamour of McClelland, but the fourth floor study lounge and the multipurpose room sure are terrific. Plus, when we ditch studying, the basement has both a piano and pool table. On the downside, getting packages is a drag—literally. Have you ever carried a box back from Rodin, and then lugged it up four flights of stairs? I have. There’s no elevator. But, as a white male, this is my first time bringing diversity to a group. I’m proud to be one of the boys of DuBois and I wouldn’t trade it for anywhere else. Unless there’s AC. MARK PARASKEVAS

$$$ GRANTS AVAILABLE FOR YOUR GROUP $$$

The Trustees’ Council of Penn Women (TCPW) is pleased to announce its 2014-2015 Grants Program and encourages members of the University community to apply. Grants ranging between $1,000-$5,000 will be available to individuals or organizations which promote: • women’s issues • the quality of undergraduate and graduate life for women • the advancement of women • the physical, emotional and psychological well-being of women Favorable consideration will be given to projects that: • affect a broad segment of the University population • foster a greater awareness of women’s issues • provide seed money for pilot programs that have the potential to become ongoing self-supporting programs To apply, visit the TCPW website at www.alumni.upenn.edu/tcpwgrants and download the application from the TCPW Grant web page. Applications must be submitted no later than February 14, 2014. Awards will be announced in the Spring of 2014 and funds will be distributed in July/August 2014 for projects in the 2014-2015 academic year.

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FILM & TV

“ALL ABOUT EVE” If you’re looking for boobs and blockbusters, look to the theaters. If you’re looking for real black–and–white substance, look to the past. This week’s pick: “All About Eve.”

A smoky room. Drinks litter the atmosphere. Intoxicated men spit insipid conversation at heavily made–up women. They have high hopes of getting some (thing). A woman sees that gal she knew once, and a passive–aggressive battle of jealousy plays out before an audience of amused and bewildered spectators. “I thought they were friends! What bitches,” an onlooker comments. This is not actually a recap of what happened at Copa this weekend (though that’s a good story too). It’s just one of the many settings for the 1950 film with the most Oscar nominations (Count ‘em, 14) in film history, “All About Eve.” In a role that saved her career, Bette Da-

vis plays Margo Channing, a seasoned actress whose reign as the queen of the theatre is usurped by Channing’s fawning fan, the seemingly humble, but secretly little bitch–of–a–thing, Eve Harrington. However, this Classic of the Week is actually not all about her—never trust a label. Instead, this film offers a pointed critique on something we Quakers take for granted: the frenemy. "Eve" is an unflinching meditation on the environments that breed a culture of competition, manipulation and facade—all for the sake of a successful career. Unfortunately, Huntsman wasn’t available for on–location shooting in 1950. Never fear, though!

There’s nothing “All About Eve” can say about competitive career–seekers that an Ivy League student doesn’t already know. You may know one, you may be one, you may fear one; regardless, Eves abound on Penn’s campus, in their khakis and pant–suits, each ready and raring to get to the top without much concern for the other guy. Perhaps Margo is more identifiable as that one guy who still thinks being high school valedictorian means he’s the smartest jerk in the room. The director, Joseph Mankiewicz, also described Margo as “treating a mink like a poncho”—otherwise known as that girl walking down Locust. Even if you can’t relate to any of the above (liar), the

film has even more to offer. Maybe you’ve read one of those articles about how women in the film and television industries are shit out of luck for good roles, especially if they’re not as hot as someone like Marilyn Monroe. Look no further than this depiction of powerful females outwitting and maneuvering around the men that play only supporting roles in their lives. Female engineers–about–Towne will find solace in the ways Bette Davis dominates a field otherwise run by men, both with and without the context of the film. Fun fact: Davis was the first female president of the prestigious Academy that will be handing out those little gold

men in a few weeks. Rejoice in this film that passes the Bechdel test despite its emergence from an era known for its images of women vacuuming in pearls. As an added bonus, here you'll find Marilyn Monroe, lovely as ever, in her first attention–grabbing role. Hubba hubba. If none of that is satisfying, be left with the film’s most iconic piece of advice: “Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.” Sounds like prep for the weekend to me. Find "All About Eve" for ~FREE~ at VP. JOANNA GLUM

REVIEW: "THE MONUMENTS MEN" Frank Stokes’ (George Clooney) reflective monologues in “The Monuments Men” incessantly question the risking of human life to preserve a cultural artifact. Indeed, this utilitarian conflict is the central premise of the film, but “Men’s” haphazard and blatant inclusion of conservationist George Stout’s commentary only serves to sober an otherwise light and disappointing film encapsulating a unique historical tale. “Men” chronicles an Allied platoon of artists, historians, curators and architects as they traverse Europe at the end of World War II to save thousands of stolen pieces of art, sculptures and revered artifacts

before Hitler can destroy them. This seven-man unit is also known as the MFAA (Monuments, Fine Arts and Archives) Program, to whom President Franklin Delano Roosevelt entrusted this daunting assignment. Led by Clooney’s Stokes—a character inspired by the art conservationist George Stout—the rest of “Men’s” star-studded cast includes Matt Damon, John Goodman, Bill Murray, Jean Dujardin, Hugh Bonneville and Cate Blanchett. While Damon and Clooney’s characters’ giddy exchanges are entertaining, many of the film’s conversations are flat, even in the most dire of battlefront circumstances. After assembling

his squad (most of whom are unsuited for war) in Europe, Stokes divides his acquaintances into individual teams and admits his doubt of their mission’s success. As they venture out to recover the stolen art, their plan becomes fuzzy, and the script’s conversation grows acumbersome. Yet they prowl through underground mines, safeguarded buildings, and warzones with ease and dexterity, undermining the severity of the situation.

Read the re st of this revie w by Michael Sho stek @34st.com

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FILM & TV

HOW TO FALL IN LOVE IN 8 DAYS OR LESS

Valentine’s Day is once again around the corner, meaning we'll all be alone crying into our Carlo Rossi wine jugs eight days from now. Fear not, dear Quakers, the following characters found love in 8 days or less—and so can you.

“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”

Check back next week for our breakdown of the movies and TV series that helped us realize love is for losers, and night cheese is forever (s/o to Liz Lemon).

Yes, this movie takes place over the course of ten days (and through the lens of an insane coincidence), but the characters realize they’re in love on the eighth day when dear old Matt McConaughey and Kate Hudson bang in the shower at his parents’ house. Watch out overconfident frat boy, we heard The Walk might’ve commissioned a writer to figure out how to dump a guy in ten days this upcoming V–Day. Prepare to be bamboozled. ...Not that we’re privy to The Walk’s content, but hey it could happen.

Boy meets girl on train, boy offers girl the opportunity to walk aimlessly around Vienna with him. Boy and girl share whimsical intimacies about themselves and say Richard Linklater-y things to each other, then do it in a Viennese public park. Unlikely scenario, you say? Well, just imagine the Uber towncar you’ve ordered to go to NYC gets double–booked and you wind up wandering the streets of Manhattan all night with the boy of your dreams before smanging it in Central Park. Totally plausible.

“Romeo and Juliet” (Let’s go with the 1968 version featuring Zac Efron look–alike, Leonard Whiting)

Yup, the supposed greatest love story of all time takes place over the course of three days. Romeo sees Juliet, visits her balcony, they do some sex stuff, ignore a priest’s warning to take a step back with the whole love thing and then both end up dead. Hopefully your version of “R&J” won’t end up with you and your dearly beloved accidentally offing yourselves, but this love story offers hope for controversial Penn romances like a Wig/Bloomers affair or SDT/St. A's secret rendezvous just in time for V–Day!

In 1994’s “Speed,” Sandy Bullock and Keanu Reeves try to save the lives of a bus full of people strapped to a bomb programmed to detonate if the bus dips below 50 miles per hour. Most of the movie takes place over the course of an afternoon on a public transit bus, yielding a sexy tonsil hockey sesh after just one action–packed day. Maybe SEPTA is a good idea after all.

“Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist”

“Before Sunrise”

“Speed”

After spotting her ex at a concert, Norah demands that total stranger Nick pretend to be her boyfriend for five minutes to stick it to the dweeb. The following night’s misadventures feature the two teens falling in love as they search for Nick’s favorite band’s secret show and Norah’s drunk–ass bestie. While we commitment–phobic Quakers might not prefer this type of committed relationship, your trek to Smokes’ might just end with you in the arms of a lost Drexel cutie. Eat that, freshman year hallcest partner.

In an attempt to get back at an ex–fiance, Debra Messing hires a male escort (the dashing Dermot Mulroney) as her date for her sister's wedding, where said fiance will appear as best man. The plan goes awry when Messing (surprise!) falls for the hired escort over the course of the wedding. Mulroney declares to Messing, “I’d rather fight with you than make love to anyone else,” and Penn kids everywhere think of the midday hook ups they passed up for long arguments with resentful graduate TAs over the B+/A- line. Love is real, but grades are real–er.

“The Wedding Date”

CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS 8

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MUSIC

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS: H

ip–hop as a genre, as a lifestyle, is ste- He’s not afraid to rap over nontraditional reotypically dominated by braggadocio. beats, as he proved on “Contemporary The most interesting thing about this phe- Man” where he spit over a medley of Peter nomenon is how different it is from music Gabriel and Phil Collins. Bronson’s music is of older generations. There’s a disconnect guaranteed to entertain, whether you’re paywhen I play modern rap music in the car ing close attention to the lyrics or not. with my dad. Did Frank Sinatra croon While my dad usually complains about about how great his voice was? Did Jimi the rap music I play in the car, he loves Hendrix write songs about how much he when I throw on “Rare Chandeliers” or shreds on guitar? Music relies on connecting “Blue Chips 2.” If my 53–year–old dad, to the listener, and while some people enjoy who grew up on 80’s British punk rock, likes songs like “Rap God,” it’s not exactly relat- Action Bronson, I’m sure you can find it in able. When’s the last time you heard some- your hipster hearts to give him a chance. one brag on the beat about putting their MARK PARASKEVAS arm through a priceless painting or hiding drugs inside of a small dog? Welcome to the world of Action Bronson. Arian Asllani may look like he plays left tackle for the Giants, but this New Yorker is actually a top–notch MC (and chef!). His songs are littered with references to gourmet food, athletes and plenty of other over–the– top boasts and assertions. What makes Bronsolino’s claims different from your average rapper’s is how utterly ridiculous, yet somehow believable they are. There is no way that he actually surprised his girlfriend with “face–to–face toilets” or paid Patrick Ewing to miss his famous finger roll, but the way he portrays his character makes these outit s always a good time at pulse rageous lines seem more real than your average one–hit–wonder's game about his millions of dollars. He does everything in his power to make his persona work in person philly’s premier hot spot as well—from setting up food trucks at music festivals to throwing G–pens College Night eVery thursday! and dime bags of weed out No CoVer 11 pm - 3 am to the crowd at his shows. The beats atop his boasts driNk speCials $3 — $4 — $5 often steal the show. He usually collaborates with for speCial eVeNts reserVatioN: iNfo@pulsephilly.Com one producer at a time, 1526 saNsom st. 215-751-2711 ranging from hip–hop www.pulsephilly.Com legends like Alchemist to up–and–comers like Party Supplies or Harry Fraud.

“AFTER THE DISCO” Broken Bells

James Mercer of “The Shins” and renowned indie–rock producer Brian Burton—better known as Danger Mouse— are back, four years after the duo’s debut album. In “After the Disco,” listeners will find a more consistent and coherent album, one that pairs older influences with modern production and updated sound. Though the groovy influence is obvious thanks to the album’s title, “After the Disco” also showcases adaptations of classic rock on “Leave it Alone” and a modern, indie–soul sound on “Control” and “Holding on for Life.” Though well–produced, carefully constructed and expertly executed, the album makes for somewhat mindless listening. Mercer and Burton have crafted an impressive sophomore effort, but that doesn’t necessarily make it an interesting one. Grade: B+ Download: “Leave it Alone” Sounds best when: Pretend– studying in Huntsman

GIULIA IMHOLTE

’

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F E AT U R E

riday, midnight. The sounds of drunken classmates at parties along Spruce seep into the lounge, but these Penn students wouldn’t consider it. Xbox, sci–fi television shows and Settlers of Catan are more their style, and their college house lounge is at the heart of weekend nightlife. One of them says with a matter–of–fact shrug, “All my friends are here.” Across from Allegro at 40th and Spruce, there is a nondescript, architecturally unimpressive four–floor brick building. Most don’t give it a second thought. Some know it is a college house. Fewer know that it is Van Pelt Manor, one of two buildings that make up Gregory College House. Even fewer live within it and have come face–to–face with what’s inside: one of the smallest, closest communities at Penn. It’s utterly under the radar, but diehard Gregorians, as they’re called, wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not a campus staple and its tight–knit, intimate culture is certainly not for everyone, but some residents fall in love with the familial warmth within its walls. They’ll spend two, three or even four years of their college experience dwelling in Gregory, intentionally choosing to foster their small social circle within the house, eschewing the overwhelming intensity of the greater university lifestyle. As thousands of Penn students walk by Van Pelt Manor on their way to class (or to the other, scarier Van Pelt), they unknowingly pass the small but sturdy niche of Gregorian “lifers,” cut off but content. College senior Melissa Sosa is one of these longtime Gregorians, now living in the house—and working behind its main desk—for her fourth year. In a competitive school where it’s easy to feel lost, Melissa found her best friends in Gregory, and they never left. “Penn’s a really big place, and coming in as a freshman I was kind of intimidated by

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that,” admits Melissa, who consciously focused on socializing and pursuing her extracurricular interests within the house rather than without. “We’re kind of the misfits on campus,” notes Melissa, whose main activity at Penn is serving as a House Manager for Gregory. “I’m weird. My roommate’s weird. We’re all weird together.” Even though Gregory loses residents from each grade as they get older—like every college house—the house’s current seniors have almost all lived there since freshman year, which is a testament to its high retention rate. The top two floors of both buildings are freshman–only, while the bottom two floors are mixed upperclassmen. Half of the house’s approximately 260 residents are freshmen. “If you can’t find your niche anywhere else, you’ll probably find it here,” Melissa says with pride as two girls swipe in, waving to her. One of them is her roommate, Lucero, who stares in jealousy at Melissa’s full box of waffle fries. In an act of mind–boggling generosity, Melissa silently hands her entire food supply to her friend to bring into the lounge. Where many Penn students would hoard every fry like an OCR offer, Melissa gives them all away, commenting with a shrug: “There’s lots of free food here.” Like most college houses, Gregory does pride itself on free food and planned social events, although its self–described “overstuffed calendar” provides well over 20 opportunities a week. Many of these, such as the weekly BYOM (bring your own mug—“say it, don’t spell it”) in which students get free hot chocolate, cider, cookies and baked goods, make a fry– donating gesture seem run of the mill. Gregory is also home to the Film Culture Program, which hosts regular movie screen-

F E AT U R E

ings and discussions for half a credit or for fun. “The students who invest in the program broaden their horizons, see works they’ve always heard about, and perhaps some classics that had never been on their radar,” explains Christopher Donovan, the Gregory house dean who helped develop the program over a decade ago. “I think even the Gregorians who aren’t particularly cinema–enamored, and just pop in for the occasional screening, recognize the atmosphere of academic and cultural exploration as representative of this place.” The Film Culture Program, as well as the guaranteed single rooms, attracted College senior Amanda Ruffner to Gregory as she selected her freshman year home. Gregory was not Amanda’s first choice of housing. Looking back, she realizes that spots in the house must have been significantly less competitive than those in the Quad, for example. She notes frankly, “The fact that I ranked it at all made me get it.” But the advertised tight–knit camaraderie failed to meet freshman dorm expectations for Amanda. While certain types of students fell in love with the social vibes that the house community had to offer and chose to focus their residential and social life on Gregory for the rest of Penn, Amanda found it “solitary.”

Amanda confesses she spent most of her first semester sleeping in Hill, where her PennQuest friends dwelled (and where her classes were nearby). “That was a real, open–door freshman hall experience,” she says. While certain Gregorians chose to inhabit the lounges, the actual room doors remained shut, making Amanda feel “like an outsider” relative to the openness of Hill (According to Melissa Sosa, they stay closed “mostly because our doors are really heavy and they don’t give us door stops.”). Second semester of freshman year, Amanda and her Hill friends took to sleeping in Gregory, due to its proximity to the western end of campus, where sororities were. Still, she has no idea whether her freshman year roommates ended up staying in Gregory or living elsewhere. “That’s just a testament to how closed–door it really was,” she says. “We were friendly, but I hadn’t even thought about that until you brought that up.” As for the people themselves, Amanda muses, “We could have had things in common, but I didn’t really give it a chance. It’s not welcoming to everyone...maybe it would have been better as an upperclassman.” “I think many residents come to believe this place is a true home for them,” says Donovan, who is also a cinema studies professor. “Often, students whose top priority is to be

immersed in the major social currents at Penn—who invest deeply in the fraternity and sorority scene or who show up in the 34th Street gossip columns—may not find Gregory their ideal place.” “We certainly have our share of partiers, but the kind of students who prefer to spend Halloween weekend hanging out, baking and watching scary movies with their friends often find this a warm environment,” he adds. It’s true that those who choose to invest their social lives within the walls of Gregory tend not to branch out to Greek life and other aspects of these “major social currents,” but it suits Melissa and her friends just fine. “It’s really hard to make friends outside of Gregory,” she says. “My roommates—those four people you saw—you can go into the lounge at any given time and find one or two or all of us playing video games, talking or creating a ruckus.” “I have acquaintances outside, but they’re not the people I share my life with,” she continues, noting that finding a smaller “family” at her “home away from home” kept her grounded after coming to Penn from Texas. “If I wanna make a difference at Penn, working on a smaller scale is probably more effective than trying to be student body president or something like that,” she theorizes. “Big associations are intimidating. I can deal with 200– and–something, not the whole senior class.” Though Melissa is graduating in May, she is looking forward to Van Pelt Manor’s major renovation this summer, after Class of 1925—the other of the two Gregory buildings—redid its rooms (adding key card access, overhead lighting and accent walls), lounges, kitchens and the basement this past summer. The current Van Pelt basement—

not Rosengarten, of course—is abandoned and creepy, according to Melissa. While it’s “kind of a shithole,” she thinks Gregory’s reputation is as irrelevant as it is unfair. “I have an acquaintance who found out I live here, and he always gives me shit,” she recalls. “And I’m like, 'Okay, you lived in the Quad for two years. Don’t even give me that.'” Gregory may have a bad reputation as forgettable or antisocial (or no reputation at all), but to its diehard residents, it’s anything but. “You can hear the screams right now,” says Melissa. “Like, they’re watching ‘Teen Wolf.’” Sure enough, inside the lounge, 10 or so Gregorians are huddled around the television, including one alumnus who still hangs out in the house postgrad. “That says it all,” his friend pipes up. Jamilah Steele, the AlliedBarton security guard stationed in the Van Pelt building, splits her time between Gregory and Rodin and corroborates Melissa’s sentiments. “I like it,” she says. “They’re friendlier here. It’s very family–oriented.” Christopher Donovan doubts he would have stayed on as House Dean for as long somewhere like the Quad. Gregory and its resident retention provides “an ideal environment for an educator.” He explains, “In the classroom, I sometimes get to work with students for more than one semester, but there’s nothing like what Gregory offers.” They’re not an official club on campus, but a tight–knit collection of students makes Gregory the heart of their college experience—and they exist under most of Penn’s radar. “We’re aware of our appearance, but give us a chance,” says Melissa Sosa before darting off to catch the end of “Teen Wolf.” “We might be a little awkward, but we’re pretty cool.” Ben Lerner is a junior from Hastings–on–Hudson, NY. He is an English major, and Editor–in–Chief of Under the Button.

F E B R U A R Y 6 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

FILM

EGO

How Penn Students Watch Movies

MEET THE PENN MUSICIAN: USSMARS “SO LONG, YOUVIEW? “Formed Borrow from Library DO YOU PAYSEE PER in the annals of Philadelphia, five souls have joined forces to form TOMORROW” a union with a powerful bond:24.6% Rock n’ Roll." Don't Watch Movies Film polled you to find out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon Theaters movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. reads the description on the Facebook page officially launched onto the campus scene. Bombay Bicycle Club BY ANTHONYSoKHAYKIN

Free Streaming USSMars, Penn’s experian expansive hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters. And weof you guess then thatup–and–coming Penn stu47.7% Consequently, the band covers Do you like straight–ahead pop, rock n’ roll or any mental garage band. Sophomores Scott Collins, array of genres. They plays mostly rock Services music, 16.9% Paid Online Internet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their other mainstream genres? Then don’t listen to Bombay Rishi Chatterji, Jack LaViolette, Kevin Crouch but as Crouch explains, that includes all kinds (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free Bicycle Club’s fourth album, “So Long, See You Tomorand Alston Brown all agree that USSMars has of rock, including hard rock, dance rock and bedroom is no longer the only about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel row.” If, however, you are looking for a musical experigiven them a sense of community—be it with experimental. “It’s loud and intense music that 9.2% area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for ence will your senses with funky bass lines audience or each you can dance to,” he says. “I personally love tory. Forthat every girlbombard with daddy’s ery semester. servicesmembers, provided byother Netflixmusicians and and orchestral strings, then let Jack Steadman, frontman/ other. “There’s something exhilarating every playing ‘Hella1.5% Kopter’ (A group original). It’s AmEx, window browsing on But how about the other ste- Redbox? writer/producer, take control of your headphones. As the time the band gets together and we start playsuper punky, but it’s so catchy.” “I also get to Fifth Avenue has been replaced reotype, the one that says all colWhile 75% of us watch movvocals, harmonies and synths parallel the melodies (check ing,” says Brown, the band’s bassist. yell super loud and destroy my guitar,” he adds with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for out “Feel”), it’s as if Jack’s voice is simply another instruCollins, Chatterji, LaViolette and Crouch laughing. Crouch, along with Collins, has writFYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a Why do you go to the movies? ment and the album is speaking for itself. Title track “So the group at the of3.1% their ten several originals that have hard rock eleally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makesformed new release on iTunes — isbeginning hys6.3% Long, See You freshman year. “I knew I hadbut to is jam with some- ments, but emphasizeOther dancing. “It makes our intended) with theTomorrow” existence ofcloses the album, culminating terical, whole effort in a danceable mess of vocals, synths and do you Whose recommendations take? body when I came toit Penn,” recalls Chatterji, live shows a lot of fun,” saysto hang LaViolette. “We thethe multifarious iTunes store. worth the It's a way out with friends drums. are As no the different music fades 50 band bids “so long, Things hereout, the the group’s saxophonist. for 25% me, I also play covers from all sorts of genres, includ1.5 “Fortunately salads at 47.7% Other It's a good study break 40.6% youwhere tomorrow,” or until at see Penn, the Rave gets their next musical Sweetgreen was randomly paired with Jack as my freshman– ing hard rock, electronic, hip–hop and classic 40%endeavor. 40 A Friend It makes youthe feel relaxed happy nearly half the traffic for the it out would year roommate. I found he played piano rock.” Often times, this leads band and to new Cinema Studies 25% midnight screenings of blockcost if in the Quad interpretations of popular Required for Class and guitar. jam together songs. “What started 30 MajorWe wouldhave 26.2% 25% 25% Grade: A– Twilight as Hulu buster hits like Ithe hadweek.” seen it or TA practice Professor room during out as a funny idea turned into a rock instru20 “Luna” doesDownload: the day after the newest in theaters? Chatterji soon met Crouch, mental cover of ‘Bangarang’ by Skrillex,” Collins Street and LaViolette Sounds bestRock when: episode of 30 airs. getThis Ramen noo-in Penn Jazz. recalls during a rehearsal. “I love that we had the band’s resident drummer, 10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more tingsense. lost We looking the makes Penn for students dles aren’t sevenJazz movies, or less, Soon after, they met Collins throughesPenn the more drive and the patience to figure that one out. than one option. 0 are Biopond too busy procrastinating that sponsored bad, I by every Simple arithmeCombos, a selective group thesemester. Mu- It’s danceable and sounds cool, if a little bizarre.” on Penn InTouch and designtic proves $40 cheaper sic Department. “Theguess. four of us got together forthat it’s The band has its eyes set on the city of Philaing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible anda jamThe average student watch said movies ontrying Netflixto play more gigs in local bars session, rockedPenn out and decidedtothat we’d delphia, DEVON O’CONNOR the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with anmeet (who is anything but average, if than at the Rave, and an addi- With the seven original songs regularly for rehearsal,” recalls Collins, the and restaurants. leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’tband’s you lead ask Amy Gutmann) watchtional $20 less on iTunes (cost to record this semester, they're vocalist and guitarist. Brown joined USSMars hopes of popcorn and Mike and during their sure to reach Ikes their goal of releasing an album by in these f rnot e s hincluded m a n the end ofcalculathe school year. “We already have a tions). The low cost of watchspring se- free demo EP out on Bandcamp,” adds Crouch. ing seven movies on iTunes for mester as a “We’re sending it to various venues and promot>> Total amount of less than 30 bucks is worth the spent in movie bassist, and ers in the hopes of money branching out more into many conveniences that online theaters*CAROLYN by Penn U S S M a r s Philly.” GRACE paid services afford us: not be-

BY THE NUMBERS

$153,701

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

students each semester

ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the SEARCHING FOR THE immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not havPERFECT GIFT? ing to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn students who pay for their online services rather than going to the movie theater is somewhere be- HIGH QUALITY GREAT SELECTION LOW PRICES tween $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of depending on whether they use money spent watching Netflix or iTunes, respectively. online, if all people who Moral of the story is: we won't paid for online services judge if you just stay in bed. used Netflix*

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*A214simple sample Mon–Sat South 45thrandom Street To donate, call 10AM–8PM (Between Locust undergrads & Walnut) *$12.50/ticket at the Rave of 100 Penn were 215.662.1663 215.662.1663 *$3.99 to rent a movie on iTunes www. the second mile center .com surveyed to collect data about *$7.99/month on Netflix their film viewing habits.

FOOD & DRINK

RUSSIAN ROULETTE

Step up, take a chance and remix these vodka–inspired classics.

Street may not have the tightest grip on sports, but touchdowns and the slalom are much easier to stomach with a little substance use.

CANNABIS COOKIE BARS

Still pissed about the game? Still celebrating your team’s unforgiving smackdown? Here’s a post–Super Bowl recipe that’ll have both Broncos and Seahawks fans soaring high. Serving sizes are ﬂexible, depending on how sad you are. You’ll Need: • One cup cannabutter, melted • One cup graham cracker crumbs

• One can condensed milk • One cup shredded coconut • One cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Pour the melted cannabutter into a 9×13 inch baking dish. Spread the crushed graham crackers onto the bottom of the baking dish and press lightly to form a crust. Sprinkle the shredded coconut and chocolate chips over the graham cracker crumbs. Pour condensed milk over everything. Bake for 25 minutes, or until golden on the edges. Wait until cool, then cut and serve. And every time you feel the need to make a weed–related Super Bowl pun, stick one in your mouth instead.

White Russian: Skip the cream and turn your drink into a Black Russian instead. Simply combine one part coffee liqueur with two parts vodka and enjoy.

Penne alla Vodka: Put a healthy twist on pasta by disguising your veggies in this rich and creamy sauce. Try spinach and peas, or add shallots for a stronger flavor.

Vodka Cranberry: Step up this frat party drink with other options at the bar, like seltzer or orange juice. Or try different twists on cranberry juice, like sparkling varieties or mixed fruit cocktails.

Vodka Watermelon: Give new dimension to this classic by adding fresh mint or using flavored vodka. Just take your watermelon, cut a hole in the top and funnel in your vodka and mint leaves. Cut it up for a boozy fruit salad.

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FOOD & DRINK

THE VODKA SKI JUMP

DELICIOUS

In honor of the impending Olympic excitement in Russia, here are some culinary gems from around the ol’ Bloc. Watch out for moose.

Salo (slabs of pig fat with the skin) and Chacha (vine vodka, kind of like grappa) Horilka with Candied Raisins Red Bull and Banker’s Vodka As seen in: Every frat/ house party ever Tastes like: Paint stripper

As seen in: Kiev, Ukraine Tastes like: Raisinets...and a little bile. Bonus: Make it a flaming shot to express your armchair solidarity with the Ukrainian protesters.

As seen in: Tbilisi, Georgia Tastes like: A bacontini should, if bacontinis didn’t suck ass.

Frozen Raw Moose Meat and Vodka As seen in: Tura, Krasnoyarsk Krai, Russia Tastes like: A richer, less gamey venison, with the texture of a frozen strawberry five minutes out of the freezer. And vodka.

Caspian Sea Caviar with Stolichnaya Vodka As seen in: Moscow, Russia Tastes like: Sweet, sweet oligarchy

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Go for the gold, little olympians.

DIY: BEER CAP CANDLES

ARTS

You’ll Need:

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Bottle caps Crayons Pre–waxed string Empty soda can Scissors Lighter

Cut the soda can in half and place the crayons in the bottom half. Be careful about the crayon color combinations—you don’t want to end up with blackish–brown candles.

ARCHITECTURAL (DIS)ORDER: PENN’S CAMPUS

Fill a pan with approximately one inch of water and heat until boiling. Next, place the half–can into the water. While the crayons are melting, cut the pre–waxed string into approximately one inch pieces. Once the crayons have melted, pour the wax into the bottle caps while holding the wicks upright in the center of the cap (FYI—the aluminum can does not heat up).

Wait for the wax to cool and harden, then cut the wicks to a shorter length. Grab a match and enjoy your DIY mood lighting!

Penn’s campus provides us with the best of both worlds: old yet new, historic yet modern, elegant yet hip. But is it really possible to wear a gown with biker boots? A vest with ripped jeans? A tie with sunglasses and a beanie? Sure! It is this contrast between the traditional and the up–and–coming that transforms campus into a world of its own—castles (and Castle) share Continued on page 16

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ARTS

Contrappasto, continued from page 15

when we look at Van Pelt. Amidst a campus full of sexy and sophisticated colors, stones, shapes, spires, arched windowpanes and intricate designs, we see a large, brown rectangle. VP, architecturally speaking, doesn’t have it going on. Some would say this building clashes and detracts from the beauty of the rest of our campus—as if someone tried a little too hard to place a modern–type building on campus that ended up (pun intended) too square. ground with glass buildings in a unique We have glimpses of modern designs blend that, much like Penn’s students, demonstrates our diversity. But how much dif- throughout Penn that are absolutely in sync EASYCARE BRAND ADBRAND B&W AD B&W our campus layout and architectural ference in aesthetic appeal EASYCARE can we handle? Is with spectrum. The Singh Center for NanPenn’s campus schizophrenic? College Hall is a grand structure that otechnology is an example of modern seems to command respect. The serpentine minimalism done right: the building’s glass EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W EASYCARE BRANDareADaccented B&W by bright pops of orange, a walls stones of green neighbor courses of white and brownstone, creating a pallet that is earthy color that radiates warmth and happiness as and classy. The design is of the more con- well as eccentricity and energy. This modern ventional “Geometric Gothic” tracery, a key appeal is a demonstration of the architectural EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W indicator of design before and after the Civil feats attainable by our innovation. After all, architecture, like art, can be done War. The building stands in such a way that in so many different ways. Penn welcomes it respects the paths combining Locust Walk Starting your next painting project? True Value’sTrue ultra-premium Starting your next painting project? Value’s ultra-premium and Woodland Avenue by blending naturally all artistry and creativity, and from it, creates EasyCare Paint offersPaint complete with a lifetime EasyCare offers satisfaction complete satisfaction with a lifetime our home away from home. It's weird, but with the rest of the campus scenery. ® and try ® and try warranty. Come in and talk to our Certified Color Experts warranty. Come in and talk to our Certified Color Experts it's ours. Some of us can’t help but think, “...what?” Starting yourour nextexclusive painting project? True Value’s ultra-premium Starting your next painting project? Trueexactly Value’s ultra-premium Starting your next painting project?find Trueexactly Value’s NAYELI RIANO selection tools. You’ll find what you ultra-premium ourcolor exclusive color selection tools. You’ll what you

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THE PENN ARCHITECTURAL BUCKET LIST 1) Streak across the Krishna P. Singh Center for Nanotechnology This glass–walled research center is functionally a display case for the exhibition that is your naked ass. Take comfort in the fact that the nanotechologists here look at really small things on the daily.

2) Fuck in Fisher Fine Arts The fiery red brick of VP’s sexy older sister gets your pulse racing—just try to keep your voice down. For mid–coitous epiphanies, take a gander at the inspirational quotes spanning Fisher's stained glass windows.

“Talkers are no great doers.” Indeed.

3) Find a husband or wife in Jon M. Huntsman Hall The viewing platform over Baker Forum is the perfect vantage point to spy on your future employer/life partner.

Surveying the goods.

4) Flash downtown from the Harrison Sky Lounge With Harrison’s floor–to–ceiling windows, you can say hello to all your friends at Rumour without going downtown tonight. The view is gorgeous—from both sides of the window.

LOWBROW

LOWBROW PRESENTS: Do you ever ﬁnd yourself wishing every day was Thursday? Do you celebrate #FlashbackFriday, #MemoriesMonday or #WishingitwasthepastWednesday? Well, this installment of Lowbrow is for you, readers whose moms email them scans of childhood photos to Instagram every Thursday.

Remember when Britney bit the head off that snake? Neither do we, we made it up. It's Lowbrow, bitch.

Babies with wings?

so 2013. Let the DP play cupid this year!

SUBMIT YOUR LOVE NOTES TO www.theDP.com/LoveNotes

for FREE

(Submit online by Feb. 11th to have your message printed in the DP on Valentine’s Day!)

F E B R U A R Y 6 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

1872: FASHION TRENDS 1. hoop skirts 2. corsets 3. chastity belts 4. girdles 5. monocles 6. silk gloves 7. bowler hats 8. bustles 9. slap bracelets

LOWBROW

1999: DISPATCH— ENGINEERING SENIOR CHARLES LEE’S SATURDAY 8:14 a.m.: Mom wakes me up late for my soccer game, ugh, not again. 8:20 a.m.: I’m coo–coo for Cocoa Puffs®, but of course I only got to eat one bowl. 8:31 a.m.: Just made it to my soccer game, thank goodness my Heelys® got me there in time! 9:12 a.m.: Tim’s mom brought Capri Suns® and Kudos® bars for the post–game snack. I wish my mom didn’t bring milk and orange slices last week. 10:32 a.m.: Play–date with Audrey. I really want to try her Skipit®, but it’s pink, so there are proabably cooties on it.

1:02 p.m.: I’m playing Pokemon® on my Gameboy Color® and watching today's episode, you can call me Ash Ketchum. 1:03 p.m.: Well I know what I’m being for Halloween. 1:04 p.m.: Also, can someone explain to me why the fuck Meowth is the only Pokemon that can talk? 4:50 p.m.: Great! My Tamagotchi® is dead again! 5:02 p.m.: I could definitely eat Kraft® mac and cheese for the rest of my life, but only the Rugrats® kind. 9:22 p.m.: Just got caught up past my bed time, I bet I am the ONLY one of my friends who has to go to bed this early.

2002: POINT/COUNTERPOINT—RITZ BITS We all know the epic rivalries of history, and we love debating them. Mac or PC, Coke or Pepsi [Ed. note: Diet Coke, fucking duh], the USA or the USSR, *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys, Penn or Princeton, Sharks or Jets...we can never get enough of the heat. But the biggest rivalry happens every day when mom packs Ritz Bits in your lunch: do you go for peanut butter or cheese?

CHEESE

Savory is the way to go. If I’m going to eat protein that’s not string cheese or chicken nuggets, it needs to be the real deal, and the cheese filling’s naturally bright orange color screams “coolest kid at recess.” And don’t get me started on the genius that is the “Kickin’ Cheddar” flavor. But really, who wants their crackers to have peanut butter but not jelly? Not me.

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PEANUT BUTTER

Sweet can’t be beat when it comes to snack food. The soft pad of PB melts in your mouth like m&m’s are supposed to. It’s so good, I find myself hoping there’s some extra filling at the bottom of the bag. You can eat it even without the crackers—— would you do that with that over–processed cheese sludge? I don’t think so.

LOWBROW

2007: JUNIOR DAVID LEVY’S BAR MITZVAH By The Numbers:

Quick Facts: Theme:

Judaism

Color Scheme:

Giveaway:

Camp Friends Invited:

Theme David Wanted:

Camp Friends Who Came:

Color Scheme David Wanted:

Number of Champagne Snowball Dances:

Giveaway David Wanted:

Glasses of Champagne Drunk by David:

Game David Game Played During Israel trivia Wanted to Play: Cocktail Hour:

Coach Wristlets Sported by Party Guests:

DJ’s Pick: "The Hora" David’s Pick: “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)”

Chai:

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Start the New Year right at

Great Service!

Philly’s Best Wings!

2004: COLLEGE SOPHOMORE SARA JOHNSON’S

24 4

1116 Walnut Street 215.627.7676 | www.moriartyspub.com F E B R U A R Y 6 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

Give us your house motto, we'll give you a totally disrespectful reboot.

Ware

Street Translation: Except that Van Pelt carrel where you spend your Saturday nights...or literally anywhere else for that matter.

Motto: In Necessariis Unitas Real Translation: Unity in Necessary Things. Street Translation: “Necessary things” being keeping scary up-

W.E.B. Du Bois

Riepe

Trish.

perclassmen out of your bathrooms come Fling. Good luck, little ones.

Motto: Veritas et Honestas Real Translation: Truth and Honor. Street Translation: And other things...Like alcohol. And drugs. And weird sex stuff. Welcome to college ;)

Fisher Hassenfeld

Motto: Res publicae et res populi Real Translation: Public Affairs and Public Culture. Street Translation: And public restrooms.

Hill

Motto: Habitare in unum Real Translation: To Live Together as One. Street Translation: To live together as one. Just like in prison.

King’s Court English

Motto: Scientia Vos Liberabit Real Translation: Knowledge Shall Set You Free. Street Translation: This isn't Hill.

Stouffer

Motto: Nihil Domo Similius Real Translation: Nothing Comes Closer to Home.

Motto: It takes a village. Real Translation: N/A Street Translation: It takes a fearless leader, too. We see you, Ms.

Gregory

Motto: Multis e gentibus vires, Real translation: From Many peoples [comes] Strength. Street translation: What we lack in everything, we make up for in friendship!

Harnwell

Motto: Monstrat Sol Viam Real Translation: The Sun Shows Us the Way. Street Translation: Phallically punctuating the Philly skyline since 1970.

Harrison

Motto: Non sibi sed toti, Real Translation: Not for the Self, but for Everyone. Street Translation: Harrison elevators: the longest ~RiDe~ you’ll have at Penn.

Rodin

Motto: To Be Rather Than to Seem Real Translation: N/A Street Translation: Lots of dicks around here. Freud thinks we need to chat.