March 25, 2015

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA

AirPennNet bans Netflix

Hulu, pirating websites could be next

will no longer support Netflix.

Penn President Amy Gutmann emphasized that Penn made the decision — effective March 26 at midnight — LAUREN FEINER Advertising Editor for mostly financial reasons, citing the large toll it takes on the bandStudents living in campus hous- width for thousands of students to be ing might have to find a new way watching high quality videos at the to procrastinate. The University an- same time. Still, she noted the decinounced March 24 that AirPennNet sion comes with the added benefit of

The Daily Prophet

refocusing students on their studies and peers.

“We live in a world where we interact more with our screens than with each other,” Gutmann said.

“There are so many things to experience on this campus. This seemed like the best way to make sure students make the most of their time at Penn.”

But students are less than thrilled with the change.

“Banning Netflix won’t help me refocus on my studies,” College junior Peter Russo said. “If anything, it’s only going to remind me that I don’t have my life together.”

“This is really inhibiting our SEE NETFLIX PAGE 5

ACCIO

EMMA WATSON

who recently graduated from Brown University this summer with a bachelor’s degree in English Literature, has confirmed that she will be continuSHOBA BABU ing her studies in English at Penn for Commuter graduate school.

The Sorting Hat has spoken — Kingsley Pennyton, Watson’s Quaker! Former “Harry Potter” publicist, said that after discretely actress Emma Watson confirmed on visiting campus and speaking to March 24 that she will attend Penn individuals from the English Departfor graduate school. ment, Watson fell in love with the Actress and United Nations GoodSEE EMMA WATSON PAGE 3 will Ambassador Emma Watson,

The ‘Harry Potter’ star will attend Penn for her master’s

Writing seminar can now be satisfied with AP credit

ALCOHOL

Penn enacts ban on hard alcohol

Policy change will apply to the class of 2019 and later CLARE CONNAUGHTON Writing Seminar Struggle Bus

Members of the incoming freshman class may not have to sit through hours of writing seminar.

Beginning with the incoming Class of 2019, the writing requirement for Penn undergraduates can now be fulfilled with Advanced Placement credit, according to the Center for Programs in Contemporary Writing.

In an announcement sent to all writing seminar instructors, the directors cited concerns that student were not fully benefiting from the class, as students are allowed to use laptops for the duration of the class period and often become distracted.

“Unfortunately we cannot prevent students from Facebooking, Instagramming, Tweeting and whatever else they do,” the email said. “It is with heavy hearts that we must allow this course to be fulfilled with AP credit.”

A score of 5 on the Advanced Placement English Language and Composition exam or the Advanced Placement English Literature exam will waive the requirement.

Members of the Class of 2019 are happy about

the University or by student groups.

The policy extends to events held off-campus by student groups, such as Greek organizations involved in ELLIE SCHROEDER the Panhellenic and Interfraternity Kesha ruined it Councils.

Playboy’s #1 party school is about The specific methods of enforceto get an image change — Penn has ment for the new policy remain adopted a ban on hard alcohol that vague. However, Gutmann said will go into effect on April 1.

Penn Police will enforce the policy In a University statement released on and around campus, from 33rd on Tuesday, Penn President Amy to 41st streets between Chestnut and Gutmann announced that Penn will Baltimore. In addition, the Bureau impose a ban on all beverages that of Liquor Control Enforcement will contain 15 percent alcohol or more. maintain a much stronger presence The ban applies to campus resiSEE ALCOHOL BAN PAGE 2 dences and all events sponsored by

Measure is similar to those at Brown, Dartmouth

PHOTO COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS

COMMONS CLOSING PAGE 3

SEE WRITING SEMINAR PAGE 3

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There’s no pleasing some people.”

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2 NEWS

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

SEAS student makes radical statement Schmitt: “Maybe [students in other schools] work hard, too.”

JILL MOELY Silent Assassin

Ask any Penn undergrad which school suffers from the most brutal coursework, and they’ll answer with the name of their own — in a recent University-wide poll, 97 percent of undergraduates reported that their studies are harder than those of students in Penn’s other departments.

But in a shocking departure from campus culture, one Engineering student stated last Wednesday that “maybe College, Wharton and Nursing students work hard, too.”

Witnesses report that Engineering freshman Gavin Schmitt made the statement while studying with friends.

“It was so unexpected,” Engineering freshman Allen White said. “We were working on math, and someone said they wished they were in the College. Then out

of nowhere Gavin was just like ‘But guys, maybe kids in the other schools work just as hard.’ We all just stopped talking and looked at him like ‘What?’”

Schmitt defended himself, saying that the statement was something he’d been thinking about for a while.

“I have friends in the College taking Orgo right now, and they’re working really hard,” he said.

“I also know people in Nursing that have crazy Human Anatomy classes. And I’ve heard terrible things about BEPP midterms.”

Schmitt’s friends from other undergraduate schools confirm that he has embraced a new stance on the issue of the difficulty of obtaining a degree from one institution versus another.

“Gavin used to mention the fact that he’s taking seven course units all the time,” Wharton freshman Sara Duren said. “He hasn’t been doing that lately, though. He’s also stopped telling me that my classes are way easier than his.”

However, Schmitt’s attitude is

still somewhat unique — College junior Amber Wynhearst is among the majority that believes difficulty varies widely from school to school.

“It’s obnoxious how these Wharton, Nursing and Engineering people complain about their classes,” she said. “The other undergraduate divisions are basically like trade schools, so I don’t see how it could possibly be that hard.”

That’s not to say, however, that Schmitt is totally alone: According to a minority of students, everyone should recognize that all undergraduates pursue challenging courses of study.

“It’s ridiculous that we’ve made the difficulty level of obtaining our degrees a competition,” Nursing senior Ellen Lu said. “I don’t want to hear about how you scheduled every minute of your sleep, or how you wish you could transfer to X school so you’d have an easier time of it. Everyone here works hard, period.”

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

ALCOHOL BAN >> PAGE 1

in the Penn area to aid in the policy’s implementation.

Although many student groups hold their events off-campus, administrators said that University operating agreements technically allow the administration to set down alcohol policy for all organizations connected to Penn and involving Penn affiliates even if they are not operating on University premises.

“Here at Penn we are constantly re-evaluating how to create a productive and beneficial environment for our students,” Gutmann said. “We believe the new policy will benefit all students by making sure students’ Penn experiences are safe and secure.”

Penn’s new alcohol policy closely resembles the policy adopted by Dartmouth in January. Also in January, Brown adopted a new policy banning all alcohol, hard or not, from being served at residence hall parties or fraternity and

sorority events.

A Penn junior, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that she believes the new policy reflects a concern for Penn’s image rather than what makes the most sense for students.

“Penn is just doing this to look like it is keeping up with other Ivy League schools and help its image, not because it thinks it will actually change the way people socialize,” she said.

A Penn senior said that rather than reducing the consumption of hard alcohol, the ban would just drive drinking underground, away from University supervision and resources such as MERT. “Because of this policy, students will be more likely to binge drink at pre-games, or they will just go further away from campus to party” he said. “[Banning hard alcohol] and driving drinking underground will not change the culture of partying at Penn.”

A freshman student agreed, suggesting alternatives to the

new policy.

“Adopting such an extreme policy isn’t in anyone’s best interest because it prohibits alcohol use rather than opening a dialogue,” she said. “Instead, the University should focus on getting more resources to educate students [about alcohol use] and work on providing things for students to do besides partying.”

After the announcement, there was some speculation that the policy is a reaction to escalated incidents of fraternity pledging over the past several years, which has resulted in several fraternities being placed on probation or moving off-campus. However, Provost Vincent Price said that the policy change is the result of a long-term internal review of Penn’s alcohol policy rather than any particular student misconduct incidents.

“Penn has a reputation for academic excellence and we want to make sure that Penn’s strong learning environment takes precedence,” Price said in an email statement.

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Wharton is not the only Penn school expanding its outreach abroad.

The School of Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that it will be opening a Penn School of Arts and Sciences India Center in Mumbai, India. Planning for the Center will begin in the fall with an expected opening in spring 2018. “I’m very excited to see all the great things that SAS will be able to do at the center,” President Amy Gutmann said in a conference with The Daily Pennsylvanian.

“The Penn SAS India Center will show the world our commitment to the Penn Compact 2020,” Gutmann added. “We are dedicated to engaging with the community on local, national and global levels.” The center will offer a number of opportunities for Penn students, staff and faculty to collaborate with experts in the arts and sciences across the world.

Provost Vincent Price shared Gutmann’s excitement about Penn SAS India Center. “This center will give the School of Arts and Sciences opportunities that we could have never imagined,” Price said, including interactive classrooms in which various experts will teach seminars, state-of-the-art laboratories where researchers may perform studies and vast auditoriums that will bring in the most knowledgeable people in

a variety of subjects ranging from cinema to neuroscience.

School of Arts and Sciences Dean Dennis DeTurck shared that the center will begin with a focus on research and professional development, but he hopes Penn SAS India will eventually be able to provide a number of opportunities to undergraduate and graduate students as well. “We saw that Penn Wharton China focused its efforts primarily on professionals, and we would like to avoid that at Penn SAS India,” DeTurck said. “Unlike Wharton, which cares more about MBAs than its undergraduates, here at SAS we value our undergrads as much as we do everyone else.”

“The expansion of Wharton into China began Penn’s efforts to extend its reach globally, and it is flattering to see SAS following our

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suit,” Wharton Dean Geoffrey Garrett said, “but I would also like to point out that Wharton was the first school to open a center abroad, and we will not be overshadowed by the SAS India Center.” Garrett believes that Wharton’s platform for expanding its engagement abroad in China was much more warranted than SAS doing the same because the nature of business calls for a more global outreach. “Here at Wharton, we can’t help but question, ‘Does SAS really need this center?’” Garrett said.

“I am very excited to bring the Penn name to India,” DeTurck said, “but I think it is even more important to bring the School of Arts and Sciences name abroad. It is important that people refer to the center by its proper name, Penn School of Arts and Sciences India Center.”

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

NEWS 3

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

UN Secretary General to deliver Wharton commencement speech Wharton dean looks to one-up the College speaker BRYN FERGUSON Wharton Princess GREGORY BOYEK | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Commons closing after health violations The news comes after reports of pests and pink goop ELIZABETH WINSTON Insta Star

Enjoy your last few days eating fries and looking out at unending bridge construction — Commons is about to close its doors indefinitely.

Just about every student at Penn has been to 1920s Commons at least once, if only to use up remaining meal swipes after running out of dining dollars. The dining hall has become somewhat of a staple for Penn students. As of next week, however, this will no longer be the case.

“I am disappointed to say that Commons has been shut down due to its improper conduct in regards to health regulations,” Penn President Amy Gutmann announced on Tuesday. For many, the announcement did not come as a surprise, after health reports

WRITING SEMINAR >> PAGE 1

this change in policy, citing the negative sentiments surrounding the requirement and course loads taken in high school.

“I’m really excited about this,” incoming College freshman Rebecca Black said. “I read online that most Penn students hate writing seminar with the burning passion of a thousand

revealed the presence of strange pink goop at various stations and evidence of pests.

“Everywhere I look I see mice,” College freshman Eliza Cunningham said.

With the biggest dining hall on campus being shuttered, students on meal plans must now turn to alternative options. For now, the Hill and Kings Court English dining halls will be the only ones open. However, the University announced that blueprints for the new college house have been altered to accomodate the closing of Commons. It will now be built with a large three-story dining hall that will open with the college house in 2016.

Gutmann said the dining hall will be “rat free” and “on par with the quality of Chipotle food.”

However, the new dining hall will charge three dining swipes for dinner and two swipes for other meals.

Instead of the processed food that Commons has been ridiculed for, the new dining hall will

serve all-natural food, just as it was prepared in 1740 when Penn was founded. With an old-school theme, students will be served authentic 18th century food and staff will wear 18th century clothing, including white wigs, to enhance the authenticity.

Some students have expressed deep remorse about Commons shutting down. “It was like a home away from home for me,” said Wharton freshman Bryan Mena. “Commons was ‘bae’ and will always have a place in my heart.”

It is rumored that Gutmann is looking to Kayvon Asemani, a known musician in the Penn community and Wharton freshman, to give a heartfelt goodbye concert.

This remains unconfirmed as of yet.

It is yet to be determined what Penn will use the space of the upper level of the building when it reopens. Fortunately for caffeineaddicted students, Starbucks will remain open despite the shutdown.

fiery suns.”

Incoming Wharton freshman Jesse McCartney agreed.

“This means the 12 AP classes I took this year were worth it ... so I’m happy.”

The policy change will only apply to the Class of 2019 and later, program directors said, meaning that current students who have not yet taken the writing seminar but have earned a 5 on an AP English exam will

need to take the course.

Penn students currently taking writing seminar are upset that they will not be allowed to retroactively use AP credit to fulfill the requirement.

“It’s so unfair. I’m already a good writer, so why should I be forced to take this course?”

College freshman Howie Dorough said. “We should at least be able to drop it now.”

If Penn’s Class of 2015 was excited about this year’s commencement speaker, Wharton graduates will be even more excited to hear her boss speak at their commencement ceremony.

This weekend, it was announced that United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon will deliver the commencement address at Wharton’s ceremony, to be held the day before the University-wide graduation, where U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power will speak. “ W hen we hea rd t hat

EMMA WATSON >> PAGE 1

school.

“She loved the vibrant atmosphere of the school and how it provides students with a sense of belonging and community while allowing them to be part of a larger, diverse student body,” Pennyton said.

Penn’s status as one of the top graduate schools for English was also a major draw for Watson. According to U.S. News and World Report, Penn is currently tied with Columbia, Princeton and Yale for 4th place for the best graduate English program, after first place University of California, Berkeley, and tied-for-second Harvard and Stanford.

Despite Watson’s superstar status, Pennyton emphasized that she wants to experience normalcy and avoid unwanted attention while on campus.

“She’s a very private person,” Pennyton said. “One of the things she loved about Brown was that people there respected that.”

Samantha Power would be speaking at Commencement, the other Wharton adm inistrators UN SECRETARYand I were GENERAL BAN i m p r e s s e d ,” KI-MOON Wharton Dean Geoffrey Garrett said. “We knew we had to beat it when choosing our own speaker — so we figured, what better way than to get her boss?”

Ki-moon’s selection as Wharton Commencement speaker was a long time in the making, Penn President Amy Gutmann said.

“We had been working with Mr. Ki-moon’s staff in December to bring him to Penn for Commencement,” Gutmann said.

“There were stirrings of an invite

to North Korea, however, and Mr. Ki-moon had to keep his schedule relatively free of the more ‘frivolous’ commitments for the next six months.”

Provost Vincent Price said in a statement that Ki-moon will not be presented with the honorary Doctor of Laws degree Power was to receive, but will instead be awarded with an honorary Doctor of Music.

“Mr. Ki-moon already has two honorary Doctor of Laws degrees from other universities. It is a little-known fact that he was a renowned cellist as a young man in South Korea,” Price said. “We want to honor that side of him.”

Neither Gutmann nor Price would speculate as to whether Power and Ki-moon would collaborate when writing their speeches.

Pennyton said that people at Brown worked to remain unfazed by her stardom so that she could experience a regular life and form genuine friendships. She was even able to throw a party with 100 guests and not have a single person post a picture on social media. Pennyton states that Watson hopes to experience that kind of community here as well.

Pennyton stated that the department’s dedication and passion for the field coupled with a commitment to interdisciplinary learning resonated with Watson’s own experiences. Watson discovered her metier for acting through her love of poetry when she won a competition reciting James Reeves’s “The Sea” at 7 years old.

“I’m excited,” said Catherine Bennet, head of the Graduate English program. “I

think Emma’s beliefs mirror those of the English Department here at Penn. We strive to foster a challenging, inclusive and supportive departmental culture that not only focuses on the core of the subject but also its ramifications and connections to other areas of study.”

Specific details have not been worked out on when she will begin her studies due to her hectic schedule, which includes the release of two new movies this year, “Regression” and “Colonia,” filming for the upcoming live-action adaptation of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” and her duties as a Goodwill ambassador for UN Women and advocate for the UN Women’s HeForShe campaign. However, Expecto Patr — to see Emma Watson on campus soon.

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Elmaleh Prize for an undergraduate essay in the Social Sciences, and the

Humanities Prize for an undergraduate essay in the Humanities.

The competition will be conducted by the Executive Committee and Electorial Board of Phi Beta Kappa, with judging by ad hoc committees. Essays, which can not be senior theses, may be submitted for consideration by faculty or by student authors.

The ad hoc committee may seek the opinion of other members of the faculty in evaluating entries.

One need not be a member of Phi Beta Kappa to submit an entry.

The Delta Chapter of Phi Beta Kappa Announces Two Annual Phi Beta Kappa

Prizes for Honors Theses Phi Beta Kappa Thesis Prize of $300 and the

Frederick W. Meier, Jr. Thesis Prize of $500 The competition will be conducted by the Executive Committee and Electorial Board of Phi Beta Kappa, with judging by ad hoc committees.

Essays may be submitted for consideration by faculty or by student authors.

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One need not be a member of Phi Beta Kappa to submit an entry.

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Judgements DP: 131, readers: -11.44

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015 VOL. CXXXI, NO. who’s counting 131st Year of giving a damn MATT MANTICA UA Eye Candy CADY HERON Porcelain Goddess SHAWN KELLEY Taunting French Knight LUKE CHEN The Original Luke Chen GRETCHEN WIENERS Hot Dog With a Bun KAREN SMITH Lover of Lukes REGINA GEORGE Sharer of Lukes STEVEN TYDINGS Pyrophilliac POW-WOW Copy Queen RILEY STEELE @shakeandblake11

T

he Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody.

Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool’s Day, the issue was moved to Washington’s birthday in 1962.

Through a series of haphazard and random events, the DP has settled on a time loosely referred to as “sometime in March or April, or whenever we remember to commemorate the crusading DP editors of days gone by.”

So how did this strange tradition begin? The DP was then led by the now celebrated Melvin Goldstein. “Magnificent Melvin,” as the flamboyant editor-in-chief was called, decided to liberate the

JIM KHAN | Yes, we’re still in business traditional all-male newspaper by adding a few women to the staff. Not to be outdone, the rival Pennsylvania News — a weekly published by female undergraduates — decided that it, too, would go co-ed and invited men to join the paper.

The women got more than they bargained for. The very next day, Feb. 22, Magnificent Melvin and his staff produced their own Pennsylvania News, mocking the News’s frivolous style.

But Melvin didn’t stop there. He unsheathed his verbal axe and proceeded to chop down the student government, too. In those days, the Men’s Student Government (the sexes were separated there as well) was run by two rival political parties, the Union and the Red and the Blue, both coalitions of fraternities. But that year, a new political entity held the balance of power. The mem-

bers of this third party, the United Christian Front Student Anarchism League, had been elected on the promise that they would disrupt student government.

The DP thought the time was ripe for just that sort of thing. Thus, the Feb. 22 issue carried the banner headline “Men’s Gov’t Verges on Collapse; Anarchists Trigger Bitter International Clash.” Not one to go halfway, the next morning Melvin ran a frontpage editorial urging the University to “abolish all student government.”

All this piqued the student politicos, so they held a special Saturday meeting and suspended funds for the campus rag, charging that Melvin’s News parody was “libelous, vulgar and, in general, an insult to the intellect and morals of the University.” Actually, the bluest thing in the issue was an announcement that the Col-

lege for Women-sponsored “ceremony in honor of the first buds of spring will be consummated on Monday on the lawn.”

With the support of the Dean of Men — who was also the victim of a few scathing editorials — the DP for Monday, Feb. 26, which was then printed on Friday night, was confiscated and burned.

(Since then, the DP has always printed its Monday editions on Sunday nights.)

The student government also staged a rally protesting “irresponsible journalism.” The suspension made headlines up and down the East Coast and was mentioned in London’s The Observer. Meanwhile, special editions of The Harvard Crimson and The Columbia Daily Spectator were flown in to fill the journalistic void.

Finally, on March 2, 1962, freedom of the press was restored and the DP was al-

lowed to publish — minus Melvin, who was put on academic probation and prohibited from participating in any extracurricular activities.

Undaunted by the loss of their leader, however, the staffers printed a note at the top of the March 2 issue that read: “As we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted.” and proceeded to publish “Part II” of the editorial blasting Men’s Student Government. (An interesting note: The person who took over as editor-in-chief after Melvin’s suspension was Michael Brown, the 1986 Nobel Prize winner in Medicine and Commencement speaker 27 years ago.)

Ever since the memorable Melvin incident, DP editors male and female have followed Melvin’s example and produced a DP gag issue each year. The results have often been memorable.

One year, an associate

dean in the College called up the provost to ask why he had not been told that the University had been kicked out of the Ivy League.

Another February, an article disclosing that the University was really a “mafia shield” caused a Philadelphia Evening Bulletin editor to “damn near run to the telephone to give somebody hell for missing a story like that.”

Thus, the current editors, recalling Magnificent Melvin and his clashes with the forces of evil, present Gag Issue 2015, partly in fun, partly in jest — and partly to remind everyone who really runs things around here.

JIM KHAN is a 1974 College graduate and Editorial Chairman of the DP. He’s a laywer (a.k.a. professional prankster).

HOLDEN MCGINNIS Insomniac Senior Sports 132 LAINE HIGGINS Didn’t Know What She Got Herself Into

CARTOON

COLIN HENDERSON Longtime Extra Crispy Homie ANALYN DELOS SANTOS Matt’s Best Friend EMILY CHENG Head Bitch in Design (HBID) KATE JEON Awkward Eye Contact JOYCE VARMA Noooooo.....

HENRY LIN Motion of the Ocean IRINA BIT-BABIK Left Shark ILANA WURMAN Right Shark TIFFANY PHAM Wrong Shark SCOOTER THE FRIENDLY CATSNAKE Bitch Beat CLAIRE HUANG Bill Kwai

MEGAN YAN Biz Bitch in Charge (BBIC) TATES Wyoming Population: Taylor and Her Family LIL SAMMY RUDE We Prefer Eitan

Pledge to be American

EMMA BANGS *Twirls Her Hair* ALYSSA BIZLIN Too Functional CLOYD Too Dysfunctional

THIS ISSUE JEN KOPP Prince Herbert EVAN CERNEA Sir Not-Appearing LUCIEN WANG Arthur ALLISON RESNICK Mr. Cheeky

A

merica is dropping the ball. Just about every week there is a story about how someone is abusing their right to live in the United States.

On March 6, a Navy veteran posted a picture of her and her husband’s — currently in the Navy — baby both in their uniform and in the U.S. flag. This is reprehensible. First it violates

SAM WASHINGTON | We need to rethink our responsibilities the Flag Code, and in Virginia is a Class I misdemeanor and should be punished as such. It is also against the 10 USC 771 regarding unauthorized wearing of a military uniform. The parents, especially seeing as how they are veterans of the armed forces, should know better and afford the proper respect to flag and uniform.

On March 18 in New York,

a public school had the audacity to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in Arabic. While the New York Education code doesn’t specifically say that the Pledge of Allegiance needs to be recited in English, it should.

These incidents have made me realize we need to have a new pledge of allegiance that better aligns with what the founding fathers would have

intended. They would be mortified to know that this land of freedom for Caucasian, English-speaking, male landowners has been overtaken by those seeking equal rights.

So I propose we adopt this new pledge to be recited — in English, this is America! — every school day by impressionable young children, so that by the time they are adults they

have blind, unwavering patriotism to this country that gives so much to them.

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, as the highest symbol of freedom. May it never be used in any way that doesn’t afford it the reverence it demands, even by people who have fought for it. I pledge to only speak English, even if it isn’t the of-

ficial language of the United States, and to condemn others who don’t, regardless if they are citizens or not. I pledge all this, to stand as one Nation above all others, under God, with liberty and justice for those in power.”

SAM WASHINGTON has been at Penn since before its founding and refuses to leave.

TOMMY ROTHMAN Harry the Haggler CONNIE CHEN Deadly Dirk

Interview with a Rabbit

COSETTE GASTELU Nisus Wettus

Those in charge of producing The Daily Pennsylvanian have been sacked. They have been replaced

by Alces Alces.

Correction, those responsible for the sacking have been sacked. The entire paper has been completed at great expense and at the last minute by Lama Glama.

CORRECTION In an article printed on March 23, 2015, The Daily Pennsylvanian accidentally referred to Amy Gutmann as Your Highness. The DP regrets the error.

T

he Daily Pennsylvanian: We have a very special guest interview today.

Could you please state your name for the readers?

Hermann the Mum Star Rabbit: My name is HERMANN THE MUM STAR RABBIT! DP: Thank you, Hermann. You are a very prominent poster on the DP. What do you say to your detractors?

HMSR: Hermann’s comments are carefully written and thought out. It is NOT Hermann’s fault that the writers and speakers that he comments on are so utterly and

THE DP SITS DOWN WITH ONE OF ITS MOST PROLIFIC POSTERS totally deprived of the mental facilities to even know what the truth is … .

DP: Interesting. Many times it seems as though you applaud the school, but also question its results. Do you think that students simply aren’t getting what their tuition pays for?

HMSR: I would point out that education is not just a matter of total dollars spent.

Are the students doing better in their tests scores, gradelevel proficiency and skills that are applicable to vocational goals and higher level aspirations? Those are the important questions. Seems to me a lot of money is spent

on a computer gimmickry and the latest technology fads. Hermann didn’t have all that stuff when he went to school. Is it all really necessary? How about focusing on the basics? And getting that right first.

DP: Are you saying that the University should ban computers from the classroom?

HMSR: Well, now it looks like someone totally lost their minds. I guess your train took you way too many stops past Crazy Town. You’re in total Looney-Tunes-Ville.

DP: That’s a great transition to talk about Penn’s an-

nual pressure valve: Spring Fling is coming up in a couple weeks. Kesha was the announced headliner with tickets costing $80 for public general admission. Does the Rabbit plan on attending?

HMSR: Oh yeah, real cool concept. I guess my check is in the mail — NOT! DP: Well, do you have anything to say to the students who do plan on attending?

HMSR: Hermann don’t smoke no funny cigarettes, and nobody else should either.

DP: What about dress

have been inwomen being their choice of thereof.

would like to take this moment to remind everyone to stay hydrated during Fling, and not just with alcohol!

HMSR: Women should be feel free to wear whatever costume that they want to and the sexier the better — if that’s what they want to do and are comfortable doing it.

HMSR: I’m seriously worried about you. Please get yourself some help. And eat better. Especially carrots, they’re good for your eyes you know!

DP: What did you think of Penn being named Playboy’s No. 1 party school?

DP: Well, we have to wrap things up now. Any final words?

HMSR: It was not that groovy … In fact, I was bored to tears and had to wash my eyes out with water.

HMSR: Thank Heaven for the Republicans — that’s all this exasperated Rabbit has to say!

code? There stances of criticized for attire, or lack

DP: Speaking of water.

The Daily Pennsylvanian

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Campus grass to be replaced with AstroTurf Some complain that Penn is now becoming even more fake JEFFREY CAREYVA The Friendly Hedgehog

The grassy areas of campus have long been valued for their aesthetic, as places to lie down in the warm sun and relax, and as gathering grounds to throw a football around. But by the start of the Fall 2015 semester, the grass as students know it at Penn will be no more. Facilities and Real Estate Services unveiled plans to replace all of the grassy patches on campus with state-ofthe-art AstroTurf.

The decision to remove all of the natural grass on campus and replace it with an artificial variety came to light as FRES released its annual Landscaping & Campus Environment report on Tuesday. The report highlights several environmental and financial advantages for the switch to AstroTurf.

NEWS 5

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

“First and foremost, artificial grasses such as AstroTurf need not be cut during the warm months,” Environmental Sustainability Associate Deborah Rimbaud said. “With that in mind, we have also eliminated the need to run CO2-emitting lawnmowers constantly, thus marginally reducing costs and the emission of greenhouse gases.”

AstroTurf boasts advantages over natural grass no matter the weather conditions. “Everyone at Penn has seen the drainage issues of Locust Walk during a moderate-to-severe rain shower,” Landscaping Manager Quentin Caulfield said, “and the switch to AstroTurf can help resolve those issues.” The L&CE report specifies that AstroTurf is upwards of 65 percent more absorbent than natural grass. “Literally, AstroTurf will act like a giant Sham-Wow across campus and reduce water runoff drastically,” Caulfield added.

The upkeep cost of AstroTurf is very little. “Unlike the regular grass that everyone knows that must be replanted every so often to keep it pretty, AstroTurf is a one-and-done deal — we put the AstroTurf in once and then we are done for 20 years,” Rimbaud said.

Not everyone at Penn is happy about this grassy switch. President of the Penn Good, Green and Natural Club Jean-Paul Althusser wrote a candid letter to FRES following the release of the L&CE report.

“Penn is already a phony enough place — the last thing we need is for the very grass we walk on to be fake as well,” Alhusser said in his letter. “Think of the wildlife on campus that may be potentially harmed by the introduction of AstroTurf.”

FRES claims that AstroTurf is of no detriment to Penn’s populations of squirrels and various wild birds. “It’s not as though Penn’s wildlife eats the grass anyway,” Rimbaud said.

NETFLIX >> PAGE 1

ability to watch cinematic magic,” Engineering sophomore, J.L.C. Man said.

Several students said they felt blindsided by the announcement.

“They gave us no time to prepare,” Wharton sophomore Nicole Nichols said. “I still have the entire third season of “House of Cards” left. Now I’m going to have to skip all of my Wednesday classes to binge watch.”

Of course, students may still find their favorite shows through pirated websites or even Hulu, but Penn is working on disabling the ability to access these websites as well.

“AirPennNet is designed as a platform to support the academic endeavors of Penn students,” Gutmann said. “We shouldn’t be using tuition dollars on students’ bad habits.”

A protest will be held on Friday at noon on Drexel’s campus. Over 500 students have already said on Facebook they would attend the demonstration, where students will storm into the Drexel library and obtain a Drexel WiFi login to watch their favorite shows.

NETFLIX

BY THE NUMBERS

7,051 undergrads have Netflix accounts

3

hours on average spent on Netflix per day

13,947 hours spent on netflix in total by all penn students in a given year

TOP SHOWS House of Cards Breaking Bad Arrested Development EMILY CHENG | NEWS DESIGN EDITOR

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY ADVISORS The Office of College House Computing is currently seeking nominations for its annual award:

2015 Outstanding Information Technology Advisor of the Year.

Nominations are open for current ITAs and ITA managers who go “above and beyond the call of duty” in providing timely, friendly and successful support for all the residents of the House they serve.

See the website below for more information about the Outstanding ITA of the Year award, how to nominate your lifesaver, and about opportunities in 2015 to join Penn’s very own league of superheroes.

www.collegehouses.upenn.edu/ITA Penn’s ITA staff is trained to help College House residents resolve technology challenges, whether they hit while you’re working in your House lab or while your laptop is frustrating you in your room.

Your College House has a team of experienced computer troubleshooters who are ready to come to the rescue.

SAVING YOUR LIFE

HOLY WEEK Schedule of Services

Palm Sunday • 29 March 10.30 am Procession of palms and passion reading Wednesday in Holy Week • 1 April 7 pm Tenebrae: Service of Light and Darkness Maundy Thursday • 2 April 7 pm Joint service with footwashing at St. Mary’s at Penn, 3916 Locust Walk Good Friday • 3 April 7 pm Service with solemn reproaches The Great Vigil of Easter • 4 April 9 pm Blessing of fire and light, service of readings, and communion Easter Sunday • 5 April 9.30 am Breakfast 10.30 am Festival service with communion 3637 Chestnut Street Street www.uniluphila.org

theDP.com

pre game

WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY, MARCH MARCH 25, 18, 2015 2015

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8 NEWS

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

Legend returns to Commencement John Legend will introduce Samantha Power via Skype

saying only that, “It’s not finished yet, but it’s great. It’s got a lot of meaning in it, and I know it’s going to be a big hit.”

ISABEL KIM Sassmaster When asked about how he felt to be introducing the CommenceThis spring, John Legend will ment Speaker, Legend smiled and be giving his all to us when he in- said he was “very excited” and troduces Commencement Speaker that he had an incredible perforSamantha Power over Skype. mance to show us — through the Legend will introduce Com- Skype window, that is. mencement speaker Samantha Legend will be in Brazil with Power, U.S. Permanent Represen- his wife, Chrissy Teigen, who will tative to the United Nations and be modeling in a Sports Illustrated Pulitzer Prize-Winning author, photoshoot. While the singer says with a new, original song that he he regrets his inability to be physiplans to debut during the Com- cally present at Commencement, mencement ceremony. he said that the Skype perforWhen asked about the song, mance would “in no way hamper Legend remained tight lipped, his ability to sing,” and that we

were “in for an awesome show — I mean opening.”

Legend is a 1999 Penn alumnus with a degree in English, and his connection to Penn is partially responsible for bringing him back.

“When Penn contacted me, of course I said yes. I mean, I spent four years here, and I’m happy to come support the school and the new graduates.”

“It’s a fairly unorthodox arrangement, but we think that it’s going to be a great addition to Commencement,” Commencement Director Rose Lalonde said.

Legend was first suggested as an opening act for the speaker earlier this year, and while it was originally an idle thought, “when we contacted him, he was surprisingly enthusiastic.”

Concerns were raised about the internet connection, and what would happen if Skype crashes.

“We think the benefits of having John Legend introducing the Commencement Speaker

outweigh the risks,” Lalonde said.

“Once we knew we could get him for Commencement, there really were no questions about it.” Tech staff will be on hand to restore the window if AirPennNet goes down. “We don’t anticipate any problems,” said tech staff member John Egbert, “but we like to be prepared.”

But there are still those who have their doubts, even with the added assurance from administration.

“I’m kind of nervous about the whole Skype thing,” Jade Harley, Wharton Senior, said. “I know my Skype connection goes down every once in a while here, and theres no reason that John Legend’s won’t.”

But the general mood among the student body is positive.

“It’s unexpected, that’s for sure,” College senior Dave Strider said. “But everyone I know is really looking forward to seeing him. I mean, it’s John Legend.”

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theDP.com

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Easy, breezy, beautiful Gutmann

Amy Gutmann named newest CoverGirl

CLAIRECO + KRABARZ ~The most awkward humans you’ve ever met~

Penn has always known she was easy, breezy and beautiful — but now the rest of the world will, too.

The face of Penn President Amy Gutmann will soon be gracing more than the pages of The Daily Pennsylvanian. Gutmann was named the most recent CoverGirl, a spokesperson for the brand announced on Tuesday.

Her fellow new generation of CoverGirls includes Kate Middleton, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Ellen Degeneres.

“I’m excited to foster women’s engagements with beauty at a local, national and global scale,” Gutmann said. “My work in political philosophy has taught me there is nothing more important than empowering women.”

Per the terms of her contract, Gutmann will appear in a series of CoverGirl advertisements promoting its new “Inner Goddess” campaign, which encourages women of all ages to embrace their inner tigress.

Gutmann, in particular, will model Covergirl’s “Porcelain Goddess” line of cosmetics for fair-complexioned women.

According to CoverGirl spokesperson Candi Foxxx, Gutmann’s pale skin inspired the brand to launch a new shade of bronzer, “Golden Ben Franklin Bench Showers.”

Gutmann will also launch a line of lipsticks — which she has dubbed “50 Shades of Pennovation Compact 2020” — with CoverGirl, targeted at professional women.

“The darkest shade of red — called ‘Under the Button Orgasm’ — illustrates the fact that no woman, no matter her age or alma mater, should feel that she can’t be as sexy as the first time she got frisky near a library,”

COURTESY OF MINICOLA/ CREATIVE COMMONS

Foxxx said.

Other colors in the line include “Bloody Tampons,” “Commons Ice Machine Slime” and “Sunset Blush.”

Students had mixed reactions to Gutmann’s new professional pursuit.

“Let’s face it. Amy Gutmann is a GILF,” College and Wharton sophomore Carey Strict said.

“She’s no Judy Rodin, but it’s inspiring to see Penn presidents embracing wider issues during their tenures.”

Merva Breight, President of the Kim Kardashian School for Women Who Want to Learn How to be Feminists Good and Do Other Things Good Too, or K KSW W W LH FGDOTGT, however, disagreed. “Cosmetics are bad for the environment,” she said. “Amy Gutmann should have signed with National Geographic instead.”

Next week, Gutmann will fly to Los Angeles to begin publicity efforts for the line. She is next set to grace the cover of Vogue Dublin, where she was named “Power Scholar of the Year.” The renowned musical artist Based God, who has been snubbed from multiple Grammys, has released two songs about Gutmann’s fellow CoverGirls, entitled “Ellen Degeneres” and “Katy Perry.” In the same spirit, he will release a new song next month entitled “Amy G.”

This year, the DP is putting a spin on the classic “March Madness” tournament.

32 of Penn’s student groups will compete via popular vote in OUR bracket.

PENN STUDENT GROUP BRACKET Asian Pacific Student Coalition | Assembly of International Students | Black Wharton Undergraduate Association | Bloomers | College Republicans | Counterparts | Government and Politics Association (GPA) | International Affairs Association | Lambda Alliance | Latin@ Coalition | Mask and Wig Club | MERT | MUSE | Nominations and Elections Committee (NEC) | Penn Band | Penn Democrats | Penn Dhamaka | Penn Masala | Penn Quidditch | Penn Taiwanese Society | Penn Vegan Society | PennSori | Penny Loafers | PennYo | Punch Bowl | ShaBbatones | Strictly Funk | Student Activities Council (SAC) | UMOJA | Undergraduate Assembly (UA) | United Minorities Council | Wharton Women

YOU DECIDE WHO WINS. www.thedp.com/PENNBracket

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

NEWS 9

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

Wharton establishes minimum GPA threshold Those with less than a 3.0 will be sent to the College

In shocking twist, Dean Furda attended Penn State

EMILY OFFIT Not-an-engineer tech beat

Some students express betrayal upon learning truth

If you thought Wharton was competitive before, think again.

Starting next semester, Wharton will hold all students to a minimum grade point threshold of 3.0, Wharton Dean Geoffrey Garrett announced on Tuesday.

Beginning with the Class of 2017, Wharton students with a cumulative GPA below the 3.0 standard at the end of the fall semester will be automatically transferred to the College, where they will have to choose a new major.

Depending on the new major that Wharton students must choose, not all credits will transfer. This may make it more difficult for students who choose a new major that has no crossdisciplinary connections to the Wharton core, such as English or history.

Wharton sophomore Mervyn van Arnoldson is angered by the new changes and worries that it will disrupt the future studies of many current Wharton students.

“I can’t believe they would create something like this,” van Arnoldson said. “It’s unfair and is going to hurt a lot of underclassmen in their business studies.”

Many Whartonites, however, are not concerned for the fate of fellow classmates, but the idea that the class averages will now become much higher, creating a more competitive environment than currently exists.

“I’m already stressed enough as it is about finding a job this summer,” Wharton junior Blane Kennedy Hayworth said. “But at least this will make my application look a lot stronger.”

One Wharton professor agrees that this will change the environment in many Wharton classes, yet he feels that it is important for students to experience this type of academic pressure.

“We are planning to create

CAROLINE SIMON Prospie-Bae

GETTY IMAGES

more difficult tests to push those at the top of the class even more,” said Finance professor Scott Pocketson, who already bases his grading system on a tournament style reminiscent of “The Hunger Games.” “This way we will prepare them for the cutthroat business world that they are entering in the future.”

To choose a new major once in the College, displaced Wharton students will be given a new College advisor who will help guide them in deciding the right major, whether it be economics or English. Grades received from Wharton will still appear on their transcripts, and students still interested in business will be encouraged to pursue the Consumer Psychology minor.

College students are not too thrilled either, as an influx of Wharton students will disrupt their current class averages and

environments as well.

“It’s going to be weird having a bunch of Wharton students in my classes,” sophomore Annie Herbert said. “But I guess we will have to get used to it.”

While this decision is causing an uproar among students, the administration is unwilling to negotiate with those who have protested the decision. They feel as though this will increase the number of outstanding students that graduate from Wharton and will generate a higher level of prestige than it already holds.

“We already have an amazing group of students enrolled in Wharton,” said the Dean of External Affairs for Wharton Frank Pillow. “But this will create a new crop of students who will dominate the business world — and maybe someday, the entire world.”

Swipe your V-card: Mandatory chastity belts unlocked by PennCard Students of all genders will be required to wear belt JESSICA MCDOWELL The Original Beatcest

In the wake of widespread campus dissatisfaction with the administration’s new campus sexual assault policies, administrators have decided to try something a little bit more unconventional.

Beginning in fall 2015, all Penn undergraduate and graduate students will be forced to wear chastity belts.

The chastity belts, which the Board of Trustees has asked a team of Engineering faculty to design, will unlock when both the wearer and their partner swipe their PennCards and enter their PIN numbers.

“The hope is that this new policy will make the lines of consent very clear,” Harold Chang, an administrator who worked with the Board of Trustees to develop the plan, said. “Already, we call MERT [the Medical Emergency Response Team] if a student can’t successfully swipe into their College Houses.”

“If they can’t even coherently get into their dorm, should they really be having sex in the first place?” he asked.

Administrators in the Office of Student Conduct and the Penn Women’s Center have responded enthusiastically to the policy.

“For too long, Penn students have complained about lack of resources available to them in cases of sexual assault and too lenient policies in regards to consent and defining assault,” said an employee at the Women’s Center who asked to remain anonymous. “Well, we’re finally listening.”

President Amy Gutmann agreed, adding that she hopes the new initiative will also mean students focus less on their sex lives and more on their studies. “So maybe students won’t be thrilled with us, but we will never climb up in the rankings if we don’t refocus them on what really matters,” she said.

All students must comply with

this new policy within the first two weeks of the fall semester, according to the Office of Student Conduct. Failure to obtain a chastity belt by then will result in the deactivation of the student’s Penn card. “If you’re not going to be responsible and get a belt, then we’ll just make it impossible for you to have sex altogether,” OSC employee Aimee Prudence said.

If a student fails to obtain a belt by the end of the add/drop period next semester, they will be dropped from the University altogether, she explained.

While administrators are showing almost unanimous support for the new initiative, students are a bit more hesitant.

“I would encourage the Board of Trustees to review our Constitution,” Dan Frankelstein, a member of the College Republicans, said. “This seems a lot like infringing upon students’ personal freedoms.”

Engineering junior Tim Li expressed more personal concerns.

“I just got a girlfriend, but she’s a Drexel student. How are we supposed to have sex now?”

While faculty and administrators did not respond to Li’s complaint, they did acknowledge that it was a good way to produce more Penn offspring and discourage students from mingling outside the “Penn bubble.”

A computer science TA, who wanted to be referred to as the JLC Man, expressed concerns not only over the necessity of the belts, but also their effectiveness. “Okay, not only is this a terrible idea, but you’re also doing it to Penn students. If you don’t think students will figure out how to disable these things in a week, you’re crazy,” he said.

The Board has remained silent on students’ concerns, focusing instead on the fact that they’re actually attempting some kind of action.

“We always hear that students aren’t satisfied with our initiatives because we don’t do enough.

They can’t say that now,” Chastity Smith, one of the plan’s engineers, said.

“Whether it will work or not, who knows. But at least we’re trying something,” she said. “If

Dean of Admissions Eric Furda, previously one of Penn’s most distinguished alumni, is not who the University thinks he is.

Recently, a member of the Admissions Office reported a serious lie in Furda’s resume to the Human Resources department at Penn. Furda, who claimed to have attended Penn from 1983 to 1987, actually attended Penn State during that time.

“I was searching Penn State’s alumni records to find contact information for an old friend when I came across Furda’s name,” the admissions officer said, under conditions of anonymity. “I couldn’t believe it. Eric’s face is a virtual symbol of Penn around here.”

The report spawned an extensive investigation of Furda’s past.

Although it has been confirmed that he is not an alumnus of Penn, it remains unclear how he was able to conceal his true alma mater for so long.

“We are saddened and shamed by this news,” Vice President for Human Resources Jack Heuer said. “In the future, we will ensure

COURTESY OF SHIDAIRYPRODUCT/CREATIVE COMMONS

Penn State: Dean Furda’s undergraduate institution.

that applicants to positions at Penn are more thoroughly vetted.”

Furda explained that the mistake was caused by a mixup that occurred right before college began.

“We were driving from upstate New York, before GPS came out and I actually thought I was heading to Penn and I was admitted to Penn,” Furda said. “But we drove to Penn State.”

Because he happened to have his records with him, Penn State chose to spontaneously admit Furda for their incoming class when he arrived. Since then, Furda said, he has been lying about his past in order to avoid embarrassment.

Furda added that concealing his true alma mater was relatively easy due to the similarities between the names of Penn and Penn

Starbucks serves Folgers Employees claim customers cannot tell the difference

employee, who asked to remain anonymous.

The Starbucks employee cited cost reduction as the JESSICA WASHINGTON Caffeine Queen reason they use different coffee brands to make signature StarWhat’s really in your Star- bucks drinks. bucks coffee?

“It’s a lot cheaper to buy FolAccording to a Starbucks gers instant coffee in bulk,” she under Commons employee, said. you might be surprised by the Despite the fact that a lot of answer. the coffee is not in fact Star“We are often told to use bucks brand, the employee other brands of coffee grounds feels that this doesn’t really to make the drinks,” said the affect the quality of their

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drinks.

“It’s all pretty much the same stuff,” the employee said.

According to a blind taste conducted by A&G Research, customers either preferred or had no preference between Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks coffee, despite the fact that the Starbucks brand coffee was more expensive.

“Price doesn’t dictate taste,” the employee said. “I honestly can’t tell the difference, and clearly students can’t either.”

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Students expressed mixed reactions to the news.

“I feel pretty betrayed,” College junior Jenna Davis said. “I mean, don’t have so much Penn pride if you didn’t even go here. It’s literally ridiculous.”

Wharton sophomore Zachary Gold expressed a more positive view.

“I wish I could pull something like that off,” he said. “If you could be the Dean of Admissions at an Ivy League without ever taking writing seminar, wouldn’t you jump at the chance?”

The Department of Human Resources is currently working with the Admissions Office to uncover further details. It is undetermined whether Furda will continue to serve as Dean of Admissions at Penn.

Check out this week’s feature in

10 SPORTS

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

BREAKING: Student surprised to find Penn has sports SERIOUSLY | THIS IS

appalling to her than any TA could ever be: a Penn sporting event.

NOT A DRILL!!! “It was honestly the most scarring thing I’ve seen at Penn,�

MCLOVIN Bernstein said. “Like ten times Who are you, Seal? worse than my dorm in Gregory.�

At first, the freshman thought PHILADELPHIA — She had that she had simply walked into the no idea where she was. rear entrance of David Rittenhouse Freshman Ilana Bernstein ven- Laboratories. However, Bernstein tured out Wednesday afternoon, had mistaken the Tse Ping - Cheng looking to find “yet another boring Cheung Ling Sports Center for history recitation.� But what she DRL. This was the student’s first found was more shocking and foray to a Penn Athletics function.

“My roommate is on the women’s lacrosse team, actually, but I heard that they don’t win very much so I didn’t bother going to her games or, like, any other Penn things,� Bernstein said.

According to firsthand accounts, the freshman failed to look up from her phone screen for the duration of her walk across Shoemaker Green, apparently too busy texting her sorority pledge class GroupMe that she, “couldn’t even.�

Bernstein did not realize her error until looking up from her phone screen to find a large, idyllic, overwhelmingly pink portrait of the Tse Ping family. “At first I just thought my History of Modern China TA put up a new poster in our classroom,� she said. “It wasn’t until I heard people cheering that I noticed that I was at sports.�

Bernstein first walked down the stairs to Rockwell Gymnasium in search of the source of a

noise she heard, but upon finding the gymnastics team in the heat of a competition, she realized that wasn’t the source of the commotion.

When Bernstein walked into the gym, coach John Ceralde was just about as confused as the lost freshman. “I was confused,� Ceralde said.

Next Bernstein continued on her journey to find DRL classroom 2C8. Instead, she found herself courtside at the Palestra.

Instead of basketball players, the Cathedral’s only occupants were the members of the Penn Band deep in rehearsal of that fight song that no one actually knows the words to. Exhausted by the ordeal, Bernstein decided to bag her recitation and finally learn which direction to put her arm during the chorus of “hurrah’s.�

At printing time, Bernstein had wandered onto Franklin Field during the middle of a pledging event.

Men’s hoops get endorsement deal; they’re lovin’ it

TOM NOWLAN | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

TOM MUNSON | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

TOM ROTHMAN | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

As part of Athletic Director M-we-still-don’t-know-what-the-M-stands-for Grace Calhoun’s decision to rebrand the University’s athletic department, Penn Athletics’ by-laws now allow all teams to receive corporate sponsorship revenue. As a result, Penn basketball has received a deal with a certain fast-food chain that people may or may not love, kind of like the Quakers’ red home alternate uniforms.

BETRAYAL-LEN

SUDOKUPUZZLE

>> PAGE 12

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4 2 Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) 7 8 5 contains every digit 1 to 9.

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7 1 9

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2 3 4 The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018 5 620For 7Eighth Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 prizesudoku Š Puzzles provided by sudokusolver.com

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responded.

It remains unclear exactly how Allen has managed to retain his eligibility to play another year. The NCAA was too busy trying to decipher its own bylaws to comment.

For now, Allen is focused on changing Columbia’s culture, just like at Penn. “My first goal is to make basketball fun again,� Bagnoli told the crowd of players. “You’ll hear me say this all the time, but practice has to be the best two hours of your day.

It also remains unclear who else from Penn may follow Allen to the Big Apple to join Columbia, although that has not stopped speculation from running wild.

Most recently, it has been rumored that Murphy has set her eyes on noted polymath Benjamin Franklin, another of Penn’s most noted figureheads.

Franklin was unavailable for comment.

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history only last year. However, Allen — the last Ivy player drafted into the NBA — simply brought more to the table. “Looking at the tape, Allen brings tremendous ball skills, court awareness and experience playing with some of the top athletes in the world,� said Bagnoli of his first major recruit with the Light Blue. “And quite frankly, we don’t think Smith can handle him in the paint.� “At Penn, I was seen as the gentleman, the guy always dressed in the nice suit,� Jeromey-romey-romey-rome said when asked about his experiences with the Quakers. “Now I’m looking to channel my inner Beast Mode.�

Allen went on to describe his plans to recommit to his proven skills — playing basketball. He will take on the role as the first player-coach in NCAA history,

hoping to follow in the footsteps of NBA legend Bill Russell. “He made plays,� Allen said of the 13-time NBA champion.

When asked to comment on her reaction to Columbia’s hiring of her recently-fired basketball coach, Penn Athletic Director M. Grace Calhoun interrupted the young Daily Pennsylvanian reporter. “He wasn’t fired. He resigned,� Calhoun said before forcefully winking in the journalist’s direction.

She went on to explain her disdain for Columbia Athletic Director M. Dianne Murphy, who has already picked up two of Penn Athletics’ most recognizable figures within Calhoun’s tenure. “She thinks the M. is her ally, but was merely adopted by the M.,� Calhoun said. “I was born in it, raised by it.� “Now she knows how [Stanford Athletic Director Bernard] Muir feels,� Murphy curtly

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Contact Caitlin Loyd at loyd@theDP.com to schedule an interview.

THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

[Insert inflammatory column here] S. K. DARREL, etc.

P

enn Athletics is p cool.

Some would say it’s v awesome. I like our athletes. Sorry if we ever upset you, but insane props to you for everything you do. Seriously. This is your world and the rest of us are just paying rent. <3

Steven Kenneth Darrel Laine Annerd James Henderson McGinnis Kasper Mousecop Billings-Clyde Steele XI is a College junior from Nazereth, Puerto Rico and is senior senior sports editor emeritus of The Daily SteelevensylvanIan. He can be

SPORTS 11

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

reached at shrainbowbear@ hotmail.com (yup, still has a Hotmail) or athdir@pobox. upenn.edu. In his spare time, S. K. Darrel enjoys long walks down Locust, McDonald’s, competing for the Penn women’s swimming team, starring in Disney Channel movies, buying condoms with dining dollars, road-tripping with longtime homies and hiring people named Tom. Unlike his brother, girlfriend and/ or father, S. K. Darrel is not proficient with Photoshop, the smarter one in his relationship, bestowed with luscious ginger locks, actually attractive nor still in a relationship with anyone in Chi Omega.

Womp. S. K. Darrel has written over 1000 inches for The Daily SteelevensylvanIan over the past three days alone, yet nobody will ever recognize it. In addition to carrying the entire newspaper, S. K. Darrel is an avid fan of the

REDWOOD AND BLUE >> PAGE 12

“I’m really enjoying [Calhoun’s] efforts to make us feel at home,” Tirapelle said excitedly. “I mean, sure, the palm trees were a little bit much, but it’s certainly a nice gesture.”

While two of Penn’s newest coaches were happy to see the familiar face on the sidelines, Penn fans were stumped.

“It’s all bark and no bite,” lone Penn fan Thatcher Jones said, while sitting in an empty student section at the Palestra.

“I don’t mean to be sappy about it, but if Penn wins a game in the woods and no one hears it, did we really make a sound?”

The Tree won’t be the only new mascot in Philadelphia next season as Chip Kelly announced

less respectable teams in New York, getting smashed at banquet, avoiding banquet altogether even when he and/ or she wins Sports Reporter of the Year, failing to hook up with Penn athletes, Funyuns, kicking ass and taking names during the Kamin Cup two years in a row, Dean Furda’s smile, Diet Coke, Miles Jackson-Cartwright Facebook conversations, trips to states that are only important during presidential elections, press conferences at Columbia, Good Tidings, Model United Nations conferences of an Ivy League genre, leaving one of our own behind for the NCAA Tournament, photo ops with Athletic Communications and meme-ing old photos of Red and Blue athletes (assuming it doesn’t include any reference to the New York Knicks). Just a reminder, he can be reached at shrainbowbear@hotmail. com.

that the Oregon Duck will replace the Eagle as the team’s new mascot late Tuesday night.

“I love it,” Eagles linebacker and University of Oregon graduate Kiko Alonso said.

“I saw that they originally were trying to get the Brutus Buckeye, and he backed out. So then they got the Oregon Duck, I thought it was like a panic move,” former Eagles running back LeSean McCoy said.

“I think the Duck’s a hell of a mascot.”

For the students who work as the Penn mascot during athletic events, it’s a tree-mendous change.

The Daily Pennsylvanian managed to sit down with the newly christened sapling for comments. “[…],” the anonymous mascot said, maintaining his silence while at work. “[…]”.

After decades of donning the

eerily grinning Quaker costume, Penn mascots will now have to branch out and adopt the Tree.

Unfortunately, the new mascot’s smile won’t be any less creepy.

It remains to be seen whether Stanford will file charges regarding Penn’s adoption of the Tree mascot. While the mascot isn’t an official mascot for the school, it is a very recognizable part of school tradition.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call [Penn’s announcement] tree-son, but it’s definitely crossing a pine,” current Stanford Tree William Funk said. “It’s not like it’s a very poplar mascot.”

Penn’s athletic department will feature a naming contest for the new mascot on pennathletics.com over the next month. Early frontrunners are Treebeard, Joe and Earl Grey Tree.

CRUSH PARTYYYYY!!!! #CALLME DPOSTM has a crush on:

DPOSTM doesn't have a crush on: Whatever replaced Sorority Tug of War

Sorority Tug of War Fitting sports editors in your pocket

Columbia football coaches

Hiring people from Stanford

Plagiarism

AComm-led press conferences

Spoiling the broth

Watercolor paintings of cats Halftime hula hooping at the Palestra

#LOVE IT HAPPIER VALLEY >> PAGE 12

followed the Jamaican horseand-buggy, which had made an incorrect turn near Washington and fortuitously ended up at Franklin Field.

“I suppose everyone was just so accustomed to following behind the Jamaican athletes that they never questioned it,” Stephanie Hightower, President of USA Track and Field Association, said. “Some things never change.”

The only team that successfully made that first trip to Penn State was the Albanian national team, which paid especially close attention to the telegraphed event announcement. The team proceeded to run the race uncontested on Penn State’s outdoor track and has done so for each of the subsequent 119 years.

“It all makes sense now,” one Penn State senior said. “Every April, this group of people completely dressed in track gear and speaking minimal English kicks everyone off the track and runs races against no one in particular.”

Thus, despite their relative lack of track expertise, the Albanians — whose previous claim to fame in the United States was rapper and avid non-runner Action Bronson — will be named champion of every single event in the meet’s history.

“It’s ridiculous,” Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt said

LAINERD HIGGINS | NOTED ARBORIST

In order to continue to reinvent Penn as the “Stanford of the East,” Athletic Director Grace Calhoun has elected to replace the Quaker mascot with Stanford’s famous and even more awful Tree.

Excuuuuuuuuse The first nine pages of this paper

#HATE IT when informed that his gold medal had been stricken from the record books. “I’m pretty sure I had to try in that one too.”

“We saw all the ‘Not Penn State’ t-shirts, so we figured we were right where we were supposed to be.”

The Penn State administration briefly considered erecting a statue on campus to commemorate the Albanian national team but decided against it given events in recent years.

W h i le Fra n k l i n Field’s 50,000-person capacity has been able to sustain the event’s growth in popularity, Penn State does not have such luxuries. By comparison, Penn State’s outdoor track facility is capable of seating “500 [with] standing room” with “portable restrooms available.”

Preliminary plans have called for spectators to piggyback on top of one another to help save room around the athletic facility.

“We’ll get by,” Penn State President Eric Barron said. “It’s about time Pennsylvania’s premiere track meet came home to Pennsylvania’s premiere academic institution.”

“Check the rankings,” Gutmann responded.

As of press time, it has been confirmed that Thomas Awad has completed the necessary paper work for his impending transfer.

Someone who actually fact checks contributed reporting.

Dining Guide

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TODAY IN SPORTS A team you don’t care about plays a school you’ve never heard of Seneca, KS

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015

Penn Relays relocates to Penn State for 2015 OUR BAD | Competition

to be stiffer for Albania

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS Used to finding the wrong place

SPOOOOOOOOOOOORTS | STAFF PHOOOOOOTOOOOGRAPHER

This is an actual photo taken by one of our talented staff members. It’s the best thing we have, and nobody reads this section anyway. But it does say Penn State.

As if the consistent national athletic attention and overwhelming adoration from Pennsylvania’s adolescent

ALLEN: ALSO GONE TO COLUMBIA

population wasn’t enough, Penn State has gained another round of ammunition to hold against its longtime Philadelphia rival.

To the surprise of the tens of collegiate track and field fans on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced Tuesday that the historic Penn Relays will be

BETRAYAL-LEN | Penn

gets cash considerations

M. DIANNE MURPHY Superior M.

It seems that the Lions have turned the tables on Penn and become the poachers.

Only a month after Penn football legend Al Bagnoli was announced as Columbia’s new coach, recently fired Penn

permanently moving to Penn State.

“Does this in any way affect Fling?” asked one particularly devoted supporter during Gutmann’s ensuing question and answer session.

In what can only be described as one of the great clerical mix-ups in the history of track and field, the

basketball coach Jerome Allen has followed suit, taking over the Light Blue program in the aftermath of a middling campaign.

Allen was profuse in his praise for his new employer.

“I’m not here to praise Columbia,” he said.

T he a n nouncement — which followed a series of incognito meetings between the former Penn star and Columbia brass — took many

first annual Relays — which first took place in 1895 — were mistakenly held at Penn and not Penn State, as the event’s bylaws originally intended.

Prior to that 1895 contest, the vast majority of the event’s participants simply SEE HAPPIER VALLEY PAGE 11

by surprise, including former Lions head coach, Kyle Smith.

“Excuse,” said a bewildered Smith when informed by Columbia that his services would no longer be needed. “Well, you guys still have to pay me.”

Smith has seen more success than Allen on the court in recent years, including his oversight of one of the best seasons in Columbia program SEE BETRAYAL-LEN PAGE 10

RILEY STEELE | ACTUALLY WENT TO THIS PRESS CONFERENCE.

Only two weeks after his dismissal as Penn basketball coach, legendary Red and Blue legend Jerome ‘John Legend’ Allen (above left, and below) has been hired as the next head coach at Columbia. The hiring marks the second time in less than two months that the Lions have brought in a Penn coaching icon, except this time is not as noteworthy (again, see above, this time right). It’s been a busy time for Allen, as he has also dropped his third album.

Jerome

Broken Record DELUXE EDITION

STR8 2 QUESTIONS BEAST MODE (FEAT. MARSHAWN LYNCH) MIXING AND MINGLING (FEAT. SAM JONES) 94X52 PERIPHERY (FEAT. MEDIA, DPOSTM) SUIT AND TIE LEARNING TO WIN (FEAT. WEST PHILADELPHIA PHRESHMEN GROUP CHOIR) TREMENDOUS (FEAT. NAT GRAHAM) END OF THE DAY

The third and final critically acclaimed album from Jerome Byron Allen. His previous albums grossed 65 total Grammy nominations, losing each time to John Legend.

SEND STORY IDEAS TO DPSPORTS@THEDP.COM

ONLINE AT THEDP.COM

Calhoun treets Penn to new, even worse mascot

REDWOOD AND BLUE | Penn

AD raids Stanford (again)

NICK BUCHTA DPOSTM wannabe

Athletic Director M. Grace Calhoun has been making a lot of changes in her first year at the helm of Penn Athletics.

On Tuesday, Calhoun — after long discussions with the Wharton marketing department — announced that the University would be re-branding its athletic programs as the Penn Red and Blue and adopting a new tree-based mascot.

“No, I don’t see any similarity to [Stanford’s athletic program],” Calhoun said when asked of her decision.

When it came down to it, Penn

Athletics decided it needed more of a natural mascot. The Penn Quaker may have historic significance for the University and the state of Pennsylvania, but colors are all the rage in the Ivy League.

“It was time to leave the Quaker behind,” Calhoun said. “When you look around the league, the other mascots are so… theoretical. And how intimidating was the Quaker anyway?”

While most of Penn’s coaches and players were unavailable for comment, former Cardinal assistant and current Penn wrestling coach Alex Tirapelle and other former Stanford assistant and Penn women’s soccer coach Nicole Van Dyke were eager to share their thoughts.

SEE REDWOOD AND BLUE PAGE 11 CONTACT US: 215-422-4640