March 29, 2016 by The Daily Pennsylvanian

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

Obama to teach class at Penn Law Course will focus on President’s Supreme Court nominations

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President Barack Obama will be teaching constitutional law at Penn Law School in the Spring 2017 term upon leaving the White House. “He wanted to take a break from politics,” an unnamed White House staff member said of his decision. “And he thought the relaxing atmosphere at Penn might be a nice break.” Outgoing President Obama will spend the first few years commuting to Penn from Washington D.C. because he expects his current battle with the Senate to get Judge Merrick Garland confirmed to the Supreme Court to last several years beyond his presidency. “He’s ready to leave politics, but he’s set on making sure he leaves a lasting legacy SEE OBAMA PAGE 2

RIEPE NOW OFF-CAMPUS PAGE 2

OCR eliminated due to “cutthroat nature” JINAH KIM Teacher’s Pet

In what will likely be a controversial decision, Career Services has announced that starting this fall, Penn students will no longer be able to participate in on-campus recruiting, or OCR. “We are tired of the toxic

atmosphere [generated by OCR],” Wharton Dean Geoffrey Garrett said. Wharton students will be among those most affected by the change; nearly 90 percent of Wharton juniors and seniors participated in OCR last semester. “Penn is an institution of learning, and the stress and competition of OCR make it difficult for that learning to take place.” Garrett cited complaints from professors from the Wharton School and the College of Arts and Sciences

We believe that Jeb Bush is the right person to lead our country.”

that attendance in some classes fell as much as much as 70 percent in October during the peak of OCR. “I ended up cancelling class altogether,” professor Jarvis Lorry said. Lorry teaches Finance 305, Models of Financial Forecasting. “Nearly half of my students told me in advance that they would be missing class during the weeks of OCR, and the other half were too distracted by upcoming interviews to focus. It’s simply impossible to continue teaching in such an

environment.” “Penn is a university, not a feeder program for Goldman Sachs,” Lorry added. After several major banks, including Goldman Sachs, Credit Suisse, and Deutsche Bank, announced last fall that the bulk of their recruiting process would be taking place in the fall rather than the spring, many Penn students found themselves scrambling SEE OCR PAGE 6

DRL to undergo $83 million renovation in 2016-17 school year

- The Daily Pennsylvanian PAGE 4

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Renovations will add coffee bar, fitness room to building

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The David Rittenhouse Laboratory will be undergoing renovations in the coming academic year, the Board of Trustees announced.

Adding to a long list of renovations projects beginning on campus next fall, David Rittenhouse Laboratory will also close for renovations for the 2016-17 academic year, the Board of Trustees announced Monday night. The $83 million renovation is expected to last the entirety of the academic year and is being funded by an alumni donor that the Board

declined to name. At the time of publication, it was unclear whether the building would be renamed in honor of the anonymous donor. While DRL is under renovation, classes that would be held there will be moved to the Penn Museum. All faculty offices will be temporarily relocated to Charles Addams Fine Arts Hall and Huntsman Hall, the Board said, citing the buildings’ convenient locations and close relationships with the faculty currently housed in DRL. Though official plans for the SEE DRL PAGE 3

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Penn admissions cap imposed on Westchester Decision was made to promote geographic diversity CAROLINE SIMON Romantic novel author

In an effort to promote more diversity among its students, Penn has imposed a quota on the number of students from Westchester, New York it can admit — just 45 percent of every incoming class. The information was provided to the Daily Pennsylvanian by a Penn admissions officer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. The admissions office itself was not available for comment. The officer said the decision was made after growing concerns regarding the number of students in each freshman class who hail from the New York City suburb. “Geographic diversity has always been one of our greatest

OBAMA

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in the Supreme Court no matter what,” the staffer said. When asked what the President planned to do if the Senate rejected his nomination, Obama said his backup nominees included himself and Penn president Amy Gutmann. His cur rent battle for the Supreme Court will be the subject of his course at Penn, which will be called “Confirming Supreme Court Nominees: A Case Study.” In addition to his backto-back White House terms, Obama’s course will also reflect his 12-year tenure as a professor of constitutional law at the University of Chicago. Despite being offered teaching positions by numerous universities across the country, the staffer said that

priorities,” he said. “In order to promote the deepest forms of collaborative learning and growing among students, we feel it is necessary to ensure that students from all parts of the country and the world are represented equally.” Although the idea was originally raised years ago, the officer explained, the quota was not introduced until now because of concerns over losing alumni donations. Many Penn alumni, particularly those with high salaries, reside in the Westchester area. “As a nonprofit institution, we just didn’t have the funds to shut out that entire segment of donors,” the officer said. “But despite the potential for financial insolvency, we decided to take the plunge — for the greater good.” Penn students from Westchester feel slighted by the new policy, arguing that qualified applicants

Obama was ultimately won over by Penn for personal reasons, specifically his relationship with the Biden family. After ruling out returning to Chicago, Obama leaned on Vice President Joe Biden to make the decision of where he would go after his presidency. “I think it was pretty clear the Obamas wanted to stay close to the Bidens, and since they are returning to Delaware, Penn was an obvious choice for the President,” the staffer said. “After spending eight years in Washington together, neither of them were ready to let go of their ‘bromance.’” The story comes just days before the Ivy League will announce its admissions decisions to high school seniors, and when Malia Obama will inevitably decide to submatriculate to Penn. While the White House staffer declined

JULIO SOSA | NOT FROM WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK

The Penn Of fice of Admissions has recently announced a new policy that will i m p o s e a q u o t a o n t h e n u m b e r o f s t u d e n t s a c c e p t e d f r o m W e s t c h e s t e r, N e w Yo r k .

shouldn’t be passed over because of their geographic background. “I don’t think it’s fair at all,” said

to comment on whether Malia had made up her mind, they acknowledged that her strong interest in Penn factored into Obama’s decision. “The President likes to be actively involved in his children’s lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is planning on moving the family to stay with Malia when she goes to college,” they said. The staffer did not offer a prediction for what the family would do when 14-year-old Sasha heads to college in four years. According to Vice President for P ubl ic Sa fet y Maureen Rush, DPS is already teaming up with the Secret Service to prepare for Obama’s arrival in less than a year. They have begun planning safety protocol, including a hostile takeover of Amy Gutmann’s house, which will become headquarters for the Secret Service.

Wharton junior Preston Johnson IV, who resides in Westchester and is the sixth in his family to attend

Penn. “I worked very hard to get in here — I remember staying inside my Hamptons vacation home

Gutmann work emails stored on private server Compromised emails number in the thousands DAN SPINELLI Lowell Neumann Nickey Editor

Penn President Amy Gutmann has stored thousands of work-related emails on a private server, a Daily Pennsylvanian investigation found this week. The server is stored in the basement of the President’s House at 3812 Walnut St. and was first installed at the request of former Penn President Judith Rodin, a source who helped install the server said. Gutmann has at least two workrelated email addresses, one in

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Penn President Amy Gutmann has stored thousands of work-related emails on private servers, The Daily Pennsylvanian has discovered.

her role as Penn president and the other as Chair of the Presidential Commission for the Study of

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studying for the SAT while all my friends were out partying. It’s not fair.” Johnson also said he was concerned about his younger brother Parker, who plans to apply early decision to Wharton next year. “Parker, I mean — he’s worked even harder than I have. He quit his sailing team and polo class for an entire summer so he could build homes for orphans in Africa.” College sophomore Mary Livingston, who also calls Westchester home, agreed that the new rule will shut out applicants who deserve to get a Penn education. “Life was hard for me, growing up,” Livingston said. “I didn’t know whether I’d be able to attend Penn or whether I’d be stuck at somewhere like Dartmouth or Cornell. And I just want everyone following in my footsteps to have things just a little bit easier.”

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Bioethical Issues, yet she chose to conduct close to 90 percent of her work-related communication on a private email server with the domain name “Penn_HBIC.” The DP first became aware of Gutmann’s private server after a Freedom of Information request for her government-related emails came up with literally nothing. When University Spokesperson Maurice “MoHend” Henderson was contacted in November to explain the lack of any emails from Gutmann’s government account, he replied, “President Gutmann straight up has a private email server. No use trying to hide it. Happy searching!” Gutmann’s Penn emails were not readily available for release, the spokesperson said. The existence of a private server was only brought to public attention after a former employee in the President’s Office sent a docket of private emails to a DP editor from Gutmann’s “Penn_ HBIC” server. Numbering in the thousands, the emails show that Gutmann repeatedly used her private server to send information specific to her University and government roles. Rob Feiner, a New York-based photographer and computer security expert, said Gutmann’s private server was “about as secure as a half-eaten cheeseburger left on the Jersey Shore boardwalk for seagulls to eat.” “It’s like Gutmann left the keys to her Rolls-Royce to my daughter Lauren, who can’t drive,” Feiner said. “Her email couldn’t have been less secure. Even her LinkedIn account could have been hacked.” Many emails were of a sensitive nature, including discussion of topics ranging from controversy over hoverboards to admissions quotas for students from a certain geographical area in suburban New York. Gutmann did not respond to multiple requests for comment beyond emailing a GIF of a laughing baby...from her private server. The source who installed Gutmann’s server said she inherited the setup from Rodin, who originally implemented it upon advice from Huma Abedin, the vice chairwoman of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. The seeming similarity of the situation to Clinton’s, while untimely, does not appear related. There is no record of communication between the former Secretary of State and Gutmann, though Gutmann’s predecessor, Judith Rodin, was a close acquaintance of Clinton’s confidante, Abedin.

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NEWS 3

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

Riepe College House moves off-campus Riepe will lose all recognition from the University VIBHA KANNAN Senior UA Consultant

Riepe College House had its affiliation with Penn revoked this past weekend and will move off campus next semester. The decision was finalized on Saturday, when more than 70 percent of the staff of Residential Services voted to revoke Riepe’s dorm privileges. The decision comes in light of a two-month investigation that the University conducted regarding allegations of hazing and alcohol abuse. Although they will lose all recognition from the University, the dorm will continue to house freshmen and upperclassmen. The house, which will keep its name as Riepe College House, will have its own application process for students and will no longer feature residential advisors, graduate associates and house faculty members. The process of sealing Riepe off

DRL

>> PAGE 1

renovation have not been released, Director of the Trustees Budget and Finance Committee Theodore Walker said that students can expect “big changes.” Among the changes students can expect to see are a new coffee bar installed on the first f loor, improved heating and insulation in classrooms and additional women’s restrooms installed to each f loor. The renovations will also include a new scheme for numbering classrooms in the building, doing away with the old system that separates the building by cardinal directions with classroom names like 3W2 and 2N4. In the basement of the building, Walker said a fitness room and showers will be installed so students who dread the walk home never have to leave. Outside the building, Walker also said that there are plans to widen 33rd Street to accommodate the considerable number of students who take taxis and Ubers to class. While Walker was quick to note that the University does not condone students calling rides to class, he acknowledged that the number of students who make use of services like taxis, Ubers and Lyfts had become a problem for traffic. “The buildup of cars outside the building has become a problem for the traffic flow on campus,” he said. “It’s a necessary addition,” he said with an air of defeat and exasperation. On top of the building, renovations will include the addition of a new observatory, which was financed by a separate alumni donation of $20 million. Though Walker also refused to name the second alumni donor, he did say that the observatory will search exclusively for extraterrestrial life. For students, the renovations couldn’t come soon enough. “I’ve been attending math

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from the rest of the Quadrangle will begin this summer. The group will operate without the supervision of Residential Services, making it the first offcampus residential dorm. Residents will be issued special ID’s to access the building through the Lower Quad Gate and all of the locks in the building will be changed. Next year, Interim President of the House Warwick Bishop-White said the house will pay rent to the University, but he said that the possibility of full secession had not been ruled out for the future. Riepe follows a series of moves off campus by Greek organizations. Riepe’s troubles with the University began in early January when one faculty member reported incidents of hazing in a freshman hall. Residential Services declined to specifically name or comment on the hall. By late January, the University had launched a private investigation. Certain staff members aware of the investigation said that there

were issues with transparency. “It was a private investigation, so I understand that they only let certain people know what was going on,” a faculty member who wished to remain anonymous said. “However, the staff and the students had no real input into the process.” On March 5, the University told Riepe that the residence had violated Penn’s Alcohol and Drug Policy due to evidence of a startlingly high number of students needing medical assistance for intoxication. According to an anonymous resident of the house, the investigation started after a particularly ambitious freshman hall held a BYO in 1920 Commons — and more than 10 of the residents were hospitalized. Although they had not found tangible proof that the BYO was part of a hazing ritual, the University put Riepe under probation on March 16. Representatives from Residential Services met with Riepe’s House Dean last week to discuss the steps that the University would take regarding the results

and physics lectures in DRL for four years and it’s honestly a really emotionally depressing place to be,” College senior Warren Downes said. “I’m just mad it’s happening after I’m graduating.” College and Wharton sophomore Jay Thomson agreed. “I’m not sure what’s been worse for me — taking 20 minutes to get to DRL, or taking 20 minutes to find the classroom once I get there. This will be a big improvement,” Thomson said. “I might actually be motivated to go to class now.” Walker, too, expressed similar sentiments. “It has been a concerted effort on the part of the University to improve the functionality and student experience of our facilities,” Walker said. “We felt like it was time for DRL.”

of the investigation. On Saturday, the votes were tallied and Riepe’s position as a freshman dorm was ultimately revoked. Residential Services said that to prevent future situations like this, incoming freshman will be required to take 10 weeks of alcohol education classes and dorms will dissolve certain first-year residential programs. Current residents and staff in other freshman dorms such as Hill House and Ware College House felt that these demands are unreasonable. “I feel like all new freshman are being punished for the actions of one small group of students,” College freshman and Hill resident Allison Fisher said. House Faculty members have expressed that Riepe’s decision has inspired them. “This is actually really exciting,” a Rodin College House Fellow who asked to remain anonymous said. “Rodin residents are clearly better than other college house residents. We’ve dreamt about seceding from the University for years.”

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Penn Residential Services voted to suspend Riepe College House from the University, following allegations regarding hazing and alcohol abuse.

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JUDGMENT DP: 132, readers: 69 WELCOME TO THE JOKE ISSUE, KIDS

TUESDAY MARCH 29, 3016 VOL. pi, NO. y3s what’s a newspaper? what’s paper? COLIN HENDERSON Unironic Trump Supporter LAUREN “BITCH CUP” FEINER LinkedIn to the News ANDREW FISCHER Up All Night BRIELLA MEGLIO Breezy AF IZ KIM Shut Down the DP JESSICA MCDOWELL Honorary DPOSTM DAN SPINELLI JR. Speaks in Iambic Pentameter CARE-BEAR $IMON Jeans-Burning Feminist ELLIE SCHROEDER DP Pledgemaster ALEXANDER WANG 50 Shades of Copy SUNNY CHEN Dr. Engineer RILEY STEELE Giant Shadow TOM NOWLAN Truther Truther LAINERD HIGGINS #LAINE MEMES ROTHMAN Tall, Dark and Handsome GRUNGE VALENTINE Professional Loudspeaker ALEX GRAVES Panic! At The Design

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody. Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool’s Day, the issue was moved to Washington’s birthday in 1962. Through a series of haphazard and random events, the DP has settled on a time loosely referred to as “sometime in March or April, or whenever we remember to commemorate the crusading DP editors of days gone by.” So how did this strange tradition begin? The DP was then led by the now celebrated Melvin Goldstein. “Magnificent Melvin,” as the flamboyant editor-in-chief was called, decided to liberate the traditional all-male newspaper by adding a few women to the staff. Not to be outdone, the rival Pennsylvania News — a weekly published by female undergraduates —

decided that it, too, would go co-ed and invited men to join the paper. The women got more than they bargained for. The very next day, Feb. 22, Magnificent Melvin and his staff produced their own Pennsylvania News, mocking the News’s frivolous style. But Melvin didn’t stop there. He unsheathed his verbal axe and proceeded to chop down the student government, too. In those days, the Men’s Student Government (the sexes were separated there as well) was run by two rival political parties, the Union and the Red and the Blue, both coalitions of fraternities. But that year, a new political entity held the balance of power. The members of this third party, the United Christian Front Student Anarchism League, had been elected on the promise that they would disrupt student government. The DP thought the time was ripe for just that sort of thing. Thus, the Feb. 22 issue carried the banner headline “Men’s

Gov’t Verges on Collapse; Anarchists Trigger Bitter International Clash.” Not one to go halfway, the next morning Melvin ran a front-page editorial urging the University to “abolish all student government.” All this piqued the student politicos, so they

en-sponsored “ceremony in honor of the first buds of spring will be consummated on Monday on the lawn.” With the support of the Dean of Men — who was also the victim of a few scathing editorials — the DP for Monday, Feb. 26, which was then printed on

... tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody.”

held a special Saturday meeting and suspended funds for the campus rag, charging that Melvin’s News parody was “libelous, vulgar and, in general, an insult to the intellect and morals of the University.” Actually, the bluest thing in the issue was an announcement that the College for Wom-

Friday night, was confiscated and burned. (Since then, the DP has always printed its Monday editions on Sunday nights.) The student government also staged a rally protesting “irresponsible journalism.” The suspension made headlines up and down the East Coast and was mentioned in

London’s The Observer. Meanwhile, special editions of The Harvard Crimson and The Columbia Daily Spectator were flown in to fill the journalistic void. Finally, on March 2, 1962, freedom of the press was restored and the DP was allowed to publish — minus Melvin, who was put on academic probation and prohibited from participating in any extracurricular activities. Undaunted by the loss of their leader, however, the staffers printed a note at the top of the March 2 issue that read: “As we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted.” and proceeded to publish “Part II” of the editorial blasting Men’s Student Government. (An interesting note: The person who took over as editor-in-chief after Melvin’s suspension was Michael Brown, the 1986 Nobel Prize winner in Medicine and Commencement speaker 27 years ago.) Ever since the memorable Melvin incident, DP editors male and female have followed Melvin’s

example and produced a DP gag issue each year. The results have often been memorable. One year, an associate dean in the College called up the provost to ask why he had not been told that the University had been kicked out of the Ivy League. Another February, an article disclosing that the University was really a “mafia shield” caused a Philadelphia Evening Bulletin editor to “damn near run to the telephone to give somebody hell for missing a story like that.” Thus, the current editors, recalling Magnificent Melvin and his clashes with the forces of evil, present Gag Issue 2015, partly in fun, partly in jest — and partly to remind everyone who really runs things around here.

JIM KHAN is a 1974 College graduate and Editorial Chairman of the DP. He’s a lawyer (a.k.a. professional prankster).

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THIS ISSUE WE”RE NO STRANGERS TO love YOU KNOW THE RULES and so do I

DAVE STRIDER is a College sophomore from Houston, Texas. He is not trapped in a comics factory.

A FULL COMMITMENT’S what I’m thinking of YOU WOULDN’T GET THIS from any other guy I JUST WANNA tell you how I’m feeling GOTTA MAKE YOU understand NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP never gonna let you down NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND and desert you NEVER GONNA LET YOU CRY never gonna say goodbye NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE and hurt you

LETTERS hey baby if you wanna passive aggressively talk at me txt me at letters@thedp.com. listen. who cares who writes anything. life isn’t real. people arent real. nothing is real. you mean nothing. stick your head out of the clouds and WAKE UP, sheeple, newspapers are a SOCIAL CONSTRUCT tell your friends.

Regarding changes to our content EDITORIAL Taking reader feedback into consideration, we at The Daily Pennsylvanian are placing an embargo on writing about the following topics: Race Religion Political correctness The 2016 election Wharton The College SEAS Nursing Graduate school Other Ivies Jobs Amy Gutmann Amy Gutmann’s salary The administration Penn professors Penn students The University of Pennsylvania LGBTQ issues Black Lives Matter Weather Controversy

Writing Seminar That one white guy who sits behind you in your Philosophy class and raises his hand too much. Pineapple on pizza The Daily Pennsylvanian Metafictional literature Air Whether you should switch to a STEM major Internships Bananas Things that are not bananas Things that may or may not be bananas Truth Dating No, we don’t want to date you, stop asking Freshmen Dabbing Opinions News Copy Design Human blood Inhuman blood

Your boyfriend’s past sexual conquests Whether “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” was a good movie Words that begin with “A” Words that end in “A” Consonants Vowels My feelings Memes Any time period after the 17th century These changes should lead to a more relevant and interesting Daily Pennsylvanian. Creating newsworthy content is important to us, and we hope that these changes lead to an improved reading experience.

Our Presidential primary endorsement EDITORIAL The DP Opinion board is proud to state that we are endorsing Jeb Bush for the Republican Primary. His experience as governor of Florida and scintillating presidential campaign have led us to believe that he is the most qualified candidate to lead our country. His responses to Donald Trump’s continued attacks were assertive and proof of his rhetorical ability. We believe that his results in Iowa and New Hampshire make him a strong candidate, with a

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high chance of winning the Republican nomination, a belief supported by his consistently strong polling performance. While we do acknowledge that he is no longer running for president, we still

believe he is the best candidate with the highest chances of success in the 2016 election cycle. The people have spoken loudly. After all, they applauded constantly at his rallies.

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NEWS 5

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

Panhel announces ban on big-little pairings Ban was met with mixed response across campus JENNA WANG Finance Princess

The Panhellenic Council announced on Monday it would be implementing a university-wide ban on big-little pairings. Big-little pairings, which have long existed as a bonding tradition in sororities, were deemed to be “too financially and emotionally draining” by the Panhellenic Council after a series of complaints from various sororities across campus. Extreme competitiveness, emotional uncertainty and inter-sorority conflict were listed as some of the major reasons behind the decision, according to College junior and Panhellenic Council President Karen Kristoff. “Big-little pairings have good intentions at heart, but often create disturbances in sorority life,” Kristoff said in an email sent to sororities Monday night. “We hope everyone will take time to reflect on how their big-little relationships have impacted their lives after this

decision, and take steps to improve the climate on campus.” While some Greek life members expressed dismay at the decision, many others in the community responded to the ban with resounding approval. “I completely support the [Panehellenic Council’s] decision,” College junior and Beta Epsilon member Alyssa Rayburn said. “Big-little pairings are causing too much infighting among our sisters.” Wharton junior and Alpha Omicron Gamma President Christina Elliot said that competitiveness between bigs to outdo each other during big-little week had led to several physical conflicts within her sorority. “Last month, two of our sisters got into a brawl over who decorated their little’s dorm better,” Elliot said. “Now the video is being used by MME instructors to teach advanced pinning techniques across the nation. That’s not the kind of image we want as a sorority.” Nursing senior and Iota Rho Delta President of External Affairs Melissa Rey said that the sorority was also experiencing backlash

JULIO SOSA | UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL SORORITY PHOTOGRAPHER

Greek communit y members across campus had mixed opinions on the decision, ranging from dismay to approval.

from the Greek life community over the incident. “Frats don’t want to hold mixers with us anymore, because they said they ‘fear for their lives,’” she said. “So I think it’s a good thing that big-little week won’t exist

anymore.” The Greek community’s concerns are not isolated to just sister-on-sister violence. Theft is a major problem plaguing Zeta Eta Kappa sisters due to the growing trend of bigs that overspend

on their littles. This problem was made notorious by an incident in February when a Zeta Eta Kappa sister broke into a Tiffany’s store in the middle of the night after she ran out of money for big-little week. The sister, who asked that her name remain anonymous in this article as the Philadelphia Police Department is still trying to hunt her down, explained that she felt she “had no choice” but to rob the store. “I’d already spent $800 from Monday to Wednesday on clothes, stuffed animals, balloons, chocolate, posters, accessories, an iPad Mini and a golden retriever puppy,” she said. “I was all out of cash. But then I walked into the chapter house on Thursday and heard Rebecca talking about how she bought her little these cute Tiffany bangles, and I just couldn’t let her outdo me.” In addition to increased stress on bigs, big-little pairings also affect littles in ways that Kristoff said were “inconsistent with the Panhellenic Council’s mission statement.” Engineering sophomore Elisa Brian recalled the all-consuming anxiety that plagued her last year

when she was going through biglittle week. Her big kept on leaving her cryptic notes inside the pockets of her clothes and would sneak into her dorm in the middle of the night to leave gifts, Brian said, causing her to feel like she was constantly being watched. “Trying to figure out who your big is can be really psychologically intense,” Brian said. “I almost cried one time because I thought this girl was lurking in the hallways waiting for me to leave my dorm in Riepe. Like, is she my big? Am I supposed to confront her or pretend I don’t see her? It was really stressful.” This year, Brian found herself in a moral bind when she received her assigned little, and was told to go “all out” in preparation for big-little reveal. She ended up just telling her little, she said, and saw an expression of muted relief on the girl’s face. “Honestly, now that Panhel has banned big little pairings, I feel like our relationship will be better,” Brian said about her big-little pairing. “Now we can just be normal friends instead of being forced together in a weird arranged marriage situation.”

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Nominations are open for current ITAs and ITA managers who go “above and beyond the call of duty” in providing timely, friendly and successful support for all the residents of the House they serve. See the website below for more information about the Outstanding ITA of the Year award, how to nominate your lifesaver, and about opportunities in 2016 to join Penn’s very own league of superheroes.

www.collegehouses.upenn.edu/ITA Penn’s ITA staff is trained to help College House residents resolve technology challenges, whether they hit while you’re working in your House lab or while your laptop is frustrating you in your room. Your College House has a team of experienced computer troubleshooters who are ready to come to the rescue.

SAVING YOUR LIFE

6 NEWS

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Class of 2020 to be selected completely randomly Experts agreed this was the best way to eliminate bias SYDNEY SCHAEDEL Mrs. Scott Old

Admission to Penn may have just gotten more equitable. On Tuesday, Dean of Admissions Eric Furda announced that the Regular Decision class of 2020 has been selected entirely

by lottery. “We had no disqualifying factors; no GPA or SAT minimum, no nothing,” he said. “We assigned each application a number, and then had a computer algorithm pick the Regular Decision class of 2020 completely randomly.” Experts in higher education agree that this is the only failsafe way to completely eliminate

bias in college admissions. “The biggest predictor of your SAT score is how much money your parents make,” Graduate School of Education professor Eleanor Kitterman said. “You’re also only going to have extra curricular activities if your family has enough money so that you don’t need to have an after-school job. It’s scary that these are the things we take into

account when accepting students.” With Penn adopting randomized admissions, this will be a fear no longer. And there are other benefits as well. Furda said the change should help high school students’ mental health in the short-run, and the state of mental health at Penn in the future. “You look at the research and

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you can see that high school students are already stressed coming in,” he said. “Randomized admissions take that stress away. Students are free to enjoy high school instead of taking sixteen SAT prep classes, continuing with extra curriculars they aren’t passionate about and breaking themselves mentally to get an A.” He went on to add that lowerstress students coming in to Penn will mean lower stress throughout their college experience. “Striving for perfection isn’t healthy. We’re teaching high school students that by randomizing admissions. Hopefully this means that they will truly focus on being happier and healthier, and doing what they’re passionate about. That will echo through their time at Penn if they do get selected,” said Furda. Though the benefits seem numerous, not all students are happy about the change. Wharton senior Adam Richenbacher said he feels the new policy undermines the work students like him put in during their high school years. “Are you kidding me?” he asked when he heard. “You’re

telling me I studied for Quiz Bowl for four years basically for nothing?” Other students take an even darker view that Penn will cease to be the “premier institution” it is known to be. “Half the time people already don’t know us from Penn State,” College junior Sarah Soloman said. “Now we basically will be Penn State.” Experts think the admissions policy might not change the student body as much as some students might believe. “Hypothetically, students who apply to Penn, even if it’s random, will eventually have to commit to going to Penn,” Carl Grossman, college counselor at Ivy College Coach, said. “Basically, you’re still only going to have people applying who actually think they could survive at an Ivy League school. Will more people overestimate their abilities, or think they did, and drop out once they get here? Possibly. But probably not as many as critics think.” The students who have been randomly selected to receive admission to Penn’s Regular Decision class of 2020 will be notified on Thursday March 31 at 5:00 p.m.

OCR

“OCR is a huge part of the Penn lifestyle,” College junior Dagny Taggart said. Taggart, who will be working as a summer analyst at Citibank this semester, credited OCR with being integral in her internship search. “It was overwhelming and exhausting, but in a good way,” she said. “My roommate is pre-med, and she loves to complain all the time about how hard [organic chemistry] is and how she’s too busy studying for the MCAT to do any household chores. But during October I could be like, ‘Oh sorry, I don’t have time to do the dishes, I’m super busy with OCR.’ It was pretty much the only time I got to one-up her.”

>> PAGE 1

to reorganize their calendars. Penn’s decision to end on-campus recruiting may make the adjustment even more difficult. “I’m very concerned about what this means for our class’s job prospects,” Wharton sophomore Charles Ryder said. “Without OCR, I’m going to have to do a phone or Skype interview, which makes all the time I’ve spent writing emails to Bain’s Penn recruiters pretty much useless.” “I mean, who are we, Swarthmore?” he said. “If I had known that Penn was going to do this, I would have gone to NYU.”

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PHOTO FEATURE

THIS IS SPARTA One night, we walked in to the office and found this Photoshop on one of the computers. Nick Buchta thought it was hilarious and made us put it in this issue. We don’t get it either.

SPORTS 7

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

Mattis throws coach, is suspended FRISBEE | Once again,

Mattis blows it

COLIN HENDERSON Low-level Track & Field beat

In a surprising turn of events, Penn track and field’s throwing star Sam Mattis was suspended by the USTFCCCA for throwing his coach, Tony Tenisci, a whopping 68.12 meters at last weekend’s Penn Challenge. Anyone who reads the sports section of the Daily Pennsylvanian would know that Mattis throws heavy things often. Admittedly, this is a very small subset of the Penn population, but on Saturday, he opted to throw a slightly heavier object. After competing in — and winning — the discus event at the Penn Challenge hosted by the Quakers at Franklin Field, the senior grabbed ahold of Tenisci around his belly. Mattis then hoisted the Quakers’ throwing coach upon his shoulder, spun around two or three times and off Tenisci sailed.

“I could see it as soon as I left his hands,” Tenisci said. “There was so much energy and the spin was so strong that everyone knew that that was it, even before I landed because of the velocity of the release.” Despite being thrown so far through the air, Tenisci did not seem to be rattled by the flight. “It was just, wow,” he said. “It was like the happiest moment of my life.” The event of coach throwing has yet to be officially sanctioned by the NCAA, however sources can confirm that a petition is in the works. Despite the unofficial status of the sport, Mattis now holds the title of top performer in the world in coach throwing. The only other event that Mattis can claim the same illustrious status is the discus with his throw of 67.45 meters on March 19, a much less impressive accomplishment considering that the senior was able to throw his coach nearly a meter farther. Perhaps more surprising than the coach toss itself was the punishment handed down by the

USTFCCCA to Mattis. Instead of serving a traditional suspension and forfeiting competition for the rest of the academic school year, Mattis will be forced to return to Penn in November to compete in the 24th Annual Mr. and Mrs. Penn body building competition — an event he won in 2014. When asked about the unconventional suspension, the USTFCCCA’s president explained, “Sam just hasn’t won enough things for him to be an impressive person.” “We at the USTFCCCA thought

that entering Sam in Mr. and Mrs. Penn would give him a chance to pad his resume a bit — something he desperately needs. What’s more meaningful than being named Mr. Penn? Winning an Olympic gold medal would be the next best thing.” It is unclear if further punishment will be served by the USTFCCCA. But in the meantime, Mattis does not intend to continue competing in the coach throw. Rather, he will concentrate his efforts on his second-best event: discus.

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>> PAGE 10

something that day, but if not, I’ll definitely try to be there,” Henson said in an address to his teammates. “I’ll let you fellas know sometime next week.” For Johnson and the rest of the team, though, the only thing that truly counts is that Henson shows up for the match that really matters:

the annual Philadelphia Regional Club Tennis Championship. “Honestly, we just need him to be fresh for the PRCTC on April 16. That’s our Wimbledon, if you will,” Johnson said. “Wait, that’s during Fling Weekend, isn’t it? Shit. I feel like that happens every year. Ugh. “I guess we’ll have to withdraw.”

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TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

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for its title run. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a #14GameTournament,â&#x20AC;? the coach said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;And I just told the guys from day one, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Survive and advance, survive and advance.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; And look where it got us. â&#x20AC;? Some took to social media to congratulate the Red and Blue on their triumph. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I want to give a big shoutout to the Penn Quakers for winning a share of the league championship #OneIvy #EightIvyChampions,â&#x20AC;? Princeton President Christopher

>> PAGE 10

around him better,â&#x20AC;? Donahue said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The whole team shared in his success, much like the rest of the league shared in ours.â&#x20AC;? Donahue, who had established himself as one of the nationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top coaches at Cornell before leaving to coach Boston College for four years, was able to use his knowledge of the Ivy Leagueâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s unique format to prepare his Penn team

Eisgruber wrote on his official Facebook page. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Amazing job by UPenn. Oneeighth of the league winning one-eighth of the title. I think thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a beauty in it,â&#x20AC;? read one post from Twitter user @RealVermontSen74. The Quakers will look to build on this miraculous season next winter, when they will chase their first NCAA Tournament bid since Glen Millerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s team won fivethirds of the Ivy title in 2007.

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

DPOSTM CRUSH PARTY DPOSTM HAS A CRUSH ON: Tropical road trips Squash coverage Pylons Justin Watson Spuyten Duyvil Stealing inches from news

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P O O H

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M A O D R L O I A W S O N A S N O N D S E D T I B D F R O O U T A E L Y S

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A P P E E T I N G E

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68 Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a small whirl after all 69 Sundial three 70 Stick : punishment :: ___ : reward 71 Simon ___ 72 BlackBerry, e.g., briefly 73 Freeloader DOWN 1 Military authority: Abbr. 2 Beijingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s river basin 3 Nurse settings, briefly 4 Flow back 5 Skiing event with gates 6 Dulles airport designer Saarinen 7 Goes in up to oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s knees, say 8 Hide in the shadows 9 Fights, as war 10 Direction opposite nord 11 Problem with lifting? 12 Belly button type 13 With 51-Down, description of the shaded answers? 21 Enthusiastic 22 Sam-___ (Seuss character) 24 Passport certification 25 Golfer Palmer, informally 26 Another nickname for the Ocean State 27 Big name in luxury bags

43 46

49 53

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Losing people to Stanford ILANA WURMAN | SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR 133

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SUDOKUPUZZLE

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59 Muscles above the abs

48 Slap handcuffs on 50 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do itâ&#x20AC;? 51 See 13-Down

61 Part of DOS: Abbr.

52 Carne ___ (Mexican restaurant order)

64 ___-Magnon man

53 Black flower in a Dumas title

65 Suffix with north

39 Drop heavily

54 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Let me repeat â&#x20AC;Śâ&#x20AC;?

66 Nutmeg-topped drink

40 â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Metamorphosisâ&#x20AC;? protagonist

55 In ___ paratus (ready for anything)

67 Summer on the Seine

35 Southwest Indian 36 Virgil described its eruption in the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Aeneidâ&#x20AC;? 37 Tiny storage unit

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8 6 7 2 3 1 9 1 4 5 1 5 3 4 6

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ACROSS 1 Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s often said with a smile 7 Madrid-to-Lisbon dir. 10 Black & Decker competitor 14 Medium for Michelangelo 15 Characters on a wanted poster 16 Bone parallel to the radius 17 Remove from practice 18 Loved, as archaeological work? 19 Forbid 20 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gentlemen Prefer Blondesâ&#x20AC;? blonde 23 Word with cream or cutie 24 Volley 28 Inquires about 30 Come out on top 32 Call on a dairy farm 33 Non-pro?

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SPORTS 9

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

Dolan sent to Stanford DNH retrieves lost beard INSIDE JOKE | ACOMM

FACIAL HAIR | Signature

MELLIE THE MELON

ILANA WURMAN

Sports Editor

Formerly Sovereign Design Editor

Ending months of speculation, Penn Athletics confirmed on Monday that former Associate Director of Athletic Communications Eric Dolan is the player to be named later in the 2015 trade with Stanford that landed women’s soccer coach Nicole Van Dyke in University City. “Clearly I didn’t make this move willingly,” Dolan said in a phone interview from a beach just outside Palo Alto, Calif. “If you think Stanford football is a step up from Penn lightweight rowing, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” There had been months of speculation surrounding Dolan’s sudden departure less than 12 hours after Penn football clinched a share of the Ivy title. “I found it confusing and alarming that he just disappeared into the night without warning,” Penn women’s basketball coach Mike McLaughlin said. “To be honest, I was debating asking for him to send his 2014 Ivy championship ring back. “He didn’t even say goodbye.” When Van Dyke was announced as Darren Ambrose’s replacement in March 2015, there was suspicion that there was more to the deal than met the eye. Van Dyke joined Penn wrestling coach Alex Tirapelle in making the jump from Palo Alto to Philadelphia in the last two years, cementing the pipeline between the wannabe West Coast Ivy and the Ivy school where Wharton is. “It’s never easy to lose an employee, but it was particularly the case with Eric Dolan,” Director of Athletics Communications Mike Mahoney said in a press

The 2015-16 season featured ma ny high-profile returns at the Palestra. Steve Donahue, who came back to the program after over a decade spent coaching other

boss PTBNL 4 Van Dyke

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teams; the women’s basketball Ivy title, which was reclaimed by the Red and Blue after a year in the custody of rival Princeton; the Big 5 doubleheader, which was hosted by Penn for the first time in 12 years and, of course, the return of Darien Nelson-Henry, who lumbered back into the Palestra in the wee hours of Tuesday morning to recover the beard he

RILEY STEELE | FAVORITE REPORTER & LOW-LEVEL PHOTOGRAPHER

Former Associate Director of Athletic Communications Eric Dolan shocked everyone by departing for Stanford “without saying goodbye.”

release. “Not only was he the only one in the office who actually enjoyed his job, but he was far and away the best looking.” “Dolan was absolutely the cool one,” he added while desperately shaving his goatee into a soul patch. It’s been apparent that Penn Athletics was not excited at the prospect of Dolan leaving, taking almost six months to name a replacement. In the meantime, Athletic Communications Assistant Jim Sheehan was tasked with adding Dolan’s sports to his own. Sheehan could not be reached for comment after suffering a mild, stress-induced stroke despite sitting next to the reporter at print time. For Dolan, the transition to

becoming a Cardinal has not been without its hardships. “Since I’ve come here, Stanford football has won both the Pac-12 and Rose Bowl,” Dolan explained. “I’m running out of fingers for rings already.” While Penn Athletics has begun the journey on the long, hard road of life without Eric Dolan, some are handling the transition better than others. “Who?” Penn football coach Ray Priore asked when questioned about how things have changed without the Buffalo native. Before he disappeared, Dolan did have time for one more press conference. He left University City with one final thought. “Riley Steele was my favorite reporter ever.”

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COURTESY OF THE LOST BEARD

While Darien Nelson-Henry was bereft at the loss of his beard, wrestling’s Lorenzo Thomas retained possession of his mustache.

had tragically left behind last month. Nelson-Henry, 22, first noticed something was amiss during an excursion to Tap House, where he was carded for the first time since 2003. “Aaah ... Pain beyond pain, my friends; nothing could have prepared me for it,” the Penn basketball center told the several reporters who had gathered at the scene after hearing a distressed male voice howling at the moon. “I was ripped from my body, I was less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost. ... But still, I was alive. What I was, even I do not know... " The missing beard was located by former Penn coach and star point guard Jerome Allen, who had stopped by the Palestra to check out his old haunts while the Boston Celtics — for whom Allen is now an assistant coach — were in town to play the 76ers. “I sensed something. A presence I’d not felt since ... " Allen began, before his voice trailed off. Nelson-Henry had walked off the Palestra court for what everybody believed to be the final time after Penn’s home loss to Columbia back on Feb. 27, having been honored as part of Senior Night before the game. He had not been spotted since then, leaving Coach Donahue wondering aloud on multiple occasions as to both the whereabouts of his star center and the identity of “that young boy” who notched 28 points and 21 rebounds after joining the team for its season-ending three-game road trip. “Darien was a joy to coach, but in the end, his greatest quality proved to be his undoing,” Coach Donahue lamented. “He left it all on the court every game.”

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ONLINE

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2016

Golf to practice tackling

Nobody actually reads this section anyway >> SEE PAGE 11

M. HOOPS | Penn splits Ivy title with

Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth TOMMY ROTHMAN Laine’s Little

W. GOLF | Players, coaches

Everybody hears it when they head off to college: You get what you put in. A season of blood, sweat and tears paid off for Penn basketball when the team clinched a one-eighth share of the Ivy League title earlier this month. Despite losing two halves of a stripped-down backcourt that the Quakers had banked on before the season, the seemingly fractured Red and Blue squad banded together to bring home a cherished fraction of the Ancient Eight hardware. The team’s accomplishment provides a satisfying end to the careers of seniors Darien Nelson-Henry and Jamal Lewis while serving as a stepping stone for a Penn team that will return seven-eighths of its roster — and two-sevenths of its facial hair — next season. “This is huge for Penn Athletics,” first-year Penn head coach Steve Donahue said. “The Department is headed in the right direction.” A look at the sabermetrics supports the coach’s statement. Combine the men’s team’s achievements with those of the women’s team — which staked its claim to eight-eighths (or five-fifths) of the league title — and the historic Palestra is home to ninesixteenths of Ivy hoops excellence. Factor in Penn football’s one-third share of a championship, and the Quakers took home thirty-five seventy-seconds of a title in their three most highly-attended sports. “We’re nearly halfway there,” Athletic Director Grace Calhoun said as fans stormed the court when the buzzer sounded after Penn’s final game. Penn president Amy Gutmann did not field questions from reporters. “I can’t hear you over the roar of the crowd,” Gutmann said in a statement issued from her Manhattan apartment. Reflecting on the season, Donahue said the team’s depth and balance, more than anything else, made the Quakers an enjoyable team to work with. “It wasn’t just the one or two guys scoring all the points. It was a different person every night. A ton of different players contributed.” The coach did, however, single out junior forward Matt Howard as the team’s MVP. “Matt had a heck of a year. He gave 110 percent every night. Eleven-tenths, if you will. And his tremendous effort was a great influence on the guys. He made the people

praise increased physicality

TOM NOWLAN Senior Sports Editor

In a groundbreaking move that represents a landmark shift in college athletics, the Ivy League’s eight presidents voted Monday to institute tackling in all women’s golf practices starting in 2017. All teams will be required to spend at least thirty minutes per day practicing the fundamentals of safe, effective tackling. While physical contact is traditionally not a major factor in the sport, advocates for the new rule contend that it will allow teams to develop players in a more holistic, multifaceted manner. “As coaches, our number one priority is to put the most competitive team that we possibly can out on the course,” Penn coach Mark Anderson said. “With these new rules, we’ll be able to tap into the full talents of every member of the roster.” “From when we first picked up our clubs as children, we’ve always been forced to focus on very specific aspects of the game — pitching, putting and all that,” junior Christine Neudeck said. “Now, we’ll finally have a venue to work on our tackling form — I know my chop block technique is a little rusty.” Ever since the first-ever round of golf devolved into a drunken Scottish barfight, physicality has been at the heart of the sport. However, in recent decades, the game has taken on a more genteel nature as it has gained popularity among older, less contact-hungry players. “Tackling has no place in golf; this is a dignified, stately sport that should be enjoyed by players of all ages,” Daniel Bradford, President of Augusta National Golf Club, said. “And while I’m on the subject, can we talk about the fact that there are women even playi—” he added before a media representative pulled him away from the phone. Still, those around Penn’s team applaud the move, saying that sustaining repeated blows of nearly 100 Gs will do wonders for the team’s mental health. “Us golf players are used to being mocked for our perceived weakness; people always say we’re not ‘real athletes,’ whatever that means,” Neudeck said. “Well get ready, cuz I’m about to go all Lawrence Taylor next year. We’ll see who the ‘real athlete’ is then.” If next year’s rules changes prove to be fruitful, Ivy League administrators have indicated that it will look into similar changes to water polo, gymnastics and dressage.

JUST KIDDING

In major geopolitical development, Penn point guard Jake Silpe turns over Edward Snowden. Read more at THEDP.COM/SPORTS

ELITE

EIGHTH

SEE TIE PAGE 8

ANANYA CHANDRA | CUTOUT EDITOR

Club ten n is player THE BOSS IS BACK gives okay effor t THE DEBUT RELEASE OF STEVE DONAHUE

LOL CLUB SPORTS | Lethargic star

battles hangover, general apathy

MATTHEW FINE Club Athlete

PENN PARK – In a development that sent waves throughout the rec league community, numerous media outlets reported that, in a recent match, College junior and Penn club tennis athlete Blake Henson played okay. Henson played an entire singles match at Penn Park Saturday morning, recording a personal best three aces. Midway through the second set, he showed an impressive burst of speed to retreat back to his baseline and return a lob. Unfortunately, Henson misjudged the hit and knocked it out of bounds several feet wide right. “Honestly, I’m just pretty proud that I bothered to show up,” Henson said after the game, sweating profusely despite having barely exceeded a brisk jog at any point in the contest. “I live at 42nd and Spruce, so it was a long-ass walk to get here. I’m definitely gonna Uber back.” SEND STORY IDEAS TO DPSPORTS@THEDP.COM

Despite the respectable performance from Henson, his squad lost 5-2 to Drexel’s club team. “None of us were really feeling it today, given that were all out late at a BYO last night,” Penn captain Shawn Johnson said. “It was definitely a grind.” Henson, who estimates that he shows up to roughly half of the club’s games and practices, has emerged as a veteran leader in recent weeks due to his consistently passable play and decent off-the-court leadership. “The young guys really look up to Blake,” Johnson said. “He’s a guy who goes out there and gives 60 to 70 percent effort on a somewhat consistent basis. He’s the type of player you really dream of getting to sign up for the team at the SAC fair.” Though Henson is not expected to attend next weekend’s match at Villanova (as a matter of personal preference, he ‘doesn’t really do’ road games), he will likely be a factor during the Quakers’ April 12 home matchup with La Salle. “I have a gut feeling I have a midterm or

1. Changing of the guards 2. what’d i miss? 3. high voice, high hopes 4. no more suspensions in pa 5. ‘rome wasn’t built for the job 6. unrelated (feat. jackson donahue) 7. shipping up to boston remix (feat. jerome allen)

SEE CLUB PAGE 7

8. i know how good my coffee is (feat. joe mihalich) 9. passed over (glenn miller diss) 10. the real slim shady (feat. Joe Mihalich) 11. Run, DNH! (feat. darien nelson-henry) 12. party with pitino (feat. tony hicks) 13. livin’ at mom’s house 14. #14trackalbum COURTESY OF A $5000 CAMERA

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