December 3, 2015

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA

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Admins advise on avoiding sexual assault abroad 27.5 percent of women reported nonconsensual contact while abroad

CHARLOTTE LARACY Contributing Reporter

This Wednesday, the Penn Women’s Center and Penn Abroad held an informational session to discuss helpful tips and advice about ways to avoid situations that could elicit sexual harassment or violence while studying abroad.

Sexual harassment and sexual violence are reoccurring problems on American college campuses, but the session stressed that is also a global problem and that most sexual assault victims who study abroad are women.

A study done by the American Psychological Association found that 38.1 percent of the sample reported some type of unwanted sexual experience while abroad, and 27.5 percent of women reported at least one experience of nonconsensual sexual contact while abroad.

Jessica Mertz, the director of sexual violence prevention and education at Penn, first SEE ABROAD PAGE 3

Getting ‘Screwed’ on student-run Classless TV Classless TV, a web series group, is funded by Kelly Writers House CAROLINE CARBALLEIRA Contributing Reporter

The creators of the next “Seinfeld” could be in our midst here at Penn.

Classless TV, a comedy web series group on campus funded by the Kelly Writers House, has a new web series out this year called ”Screwed.” Classless TV releases a new series on YouTube each year with an entirely unique premise and characters, and is now in its fifth year. The videos traditionally range from five to eight minutes and are self-contained, so each episode’s plot is not dependent on the previous episode.

“Screwed” has a projected six episodes for this year; the pilot has already been released, and the next one is expected by the end of the semester.

“Screwed” centers around four seniors who must deal with realistic college issues, such as ending a long-distance relationship or going to a party to meet new people. According to College senior and Executive SEE CLASSLESS TV PAGE 2

FUELING THE

FIGHT

Penn Fossil Free rallied at annual U. Council open forum JINAH KIM Contributing Reporter

CARSON KAHOE | PHOTO MANAGER - ELECT

THE PATH TO DIVESTMENT 1. Fossil Free Penn:

493 signatures on a petition needed to create referendum

2. Referendum:

at least 15 percent of undergrads must vote, at least 50 percent in favor of divesting

3. UA:

presents proposal to divest to University Council

C

arrying posters rendered limp by the drizzly weather, a small group of students and protesters walked through Perelman Quadrangle Wednesday with the chant, “Hey Amy G, make Penn fossil free!”

Following the passage of a student referendum last winter urging Penn to divest from fossil fuels, the University Council recently voted to move forward with the divestment

proposal submitted by the student group Fossil Free Penn. Before heading over to Wednesday’s UC open forum, Fossil Free Penn members and supporters held a brief rally on College Green about the need for divestment.

The speakers framed the choice as one of not only environmental but also social justice; Michelle Lopez, a College senior, said Penn couldn’t claim to show support for social justice while

“supporting oppression via fossil fuels,” while College freshman Zach Rissman also emphasized the school’s mission of social impact.

Once at the forum, the group sat together in the auditorium as various Penn students and alumni spoke on issues ranging from the University’s approach to sexual assault to religious diversity on campus.

Fossil Free Penn members

4.

5.

U. Council Steering Committee:

decides whether proposal meets standards of divestment, can choose to pass on proposal to Ad Hoc Advisory Committee on Divestment

Ad Hoc Advisory Committee on Divestment: determines whether proposal meets high standards for divestment, can present proposal to Trustee Subcommittee on Divestment.

6.

Trustee Subcommittee on Divestment:

7.

Executive Committee of the Trustees:

further study the proposal and provide a recommendation to the board of Trustees

ultimately decides action on recommendation

SEE FOSSIL FREE PAGE 5

Gutmann talks race at open forum Participants also discussed divestment, retirement benefits CAROLINE SIMON Campus News Editor-elect

CARSON KAHOE | PHOTO MANAGER - ELECT

Issues of divestment, retirement benefits, sexual assault and religion as an aspect of diversity were raised at the University Council’s open forum.

HIDDEN IMAGES

DISASTER PLAN

PAGE 5

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Student leaders, faculty, staff and administrators gathered in Houston Hall on Wednesday afternoon for the third University Council meeting of the year, which was the first open forum.

The open forum, which happens annually, invites members of the community to raise concerns about Penn policies and initiative in threeminute speeches.

After the speeches, Penn President Amy Gutmann addressed the topic of racial discrimination on college campuses, which has been brought into a national spotlight by

Doesn’t feminism grant women a choice to do whatever the hell they want?”

protests at the University of Missouri and Yale. Gutmann said that any discrimination runs counter to Penn’s values, and that the Campaign for Community is working to alleviate racial tensions.

This year, however, the conversation was dominated by the issue of divestment rather than racism. Three individuals urged Penn to reinvest in clean energy companies in order to protect the environment, while a fourth argued that divesting was a poor solution to the issue.

Retirement benefits were another issue addressed in the forum. An Information and Computing Services worker, who has worked for Penn since 1986, argued that Penn’s retirement benefit policies did not SEE OPEN FORUM PAGE 2

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- Caroline Simon

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THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Giving Holocaust education to high schoolers Survis’ plan incorporated into Phila. high schools REMI LEDERMAN Staff Reporter

“It’s about personalizing the Holocaust,” College junior Matt Survis said. This is what Survis seeks to impart onto Philadelphia high school students as part of his Holocaust education and social awareness program, the Upstander Initiative.

After Survis’ bar mitzvah, he took part in a program that paired seventh graders with a Holocaust survivor. He formed a strong bond with his survivor, Marsha Kreuzman, who told him her story and ordered him not to let people forget about the Holocaust. Her words inspired him to create the Upstander Initiative. The program focuses on teaching high school students to be “upstanders” rather than bystanders.

“The Holocaust happened because people allowed it to happen, so this idea of being a bystander is something that is important and relevant today,” Survis said.

Survis has taught the curriculum in more than 30 high schools, and it was adopted as an official state teaching resource in his home state of

OPEN FORUM >> PAGE 1

properly support employees who work part-time for a number of years, especially female employees.

Sexual assault, a constant topic of conversation since the release of the American Association of Universities Campus Climate survey in September, was brought up once again as a student, who was assaulted while abroad, criticized Penn Abroad’s handling of sexual violence.

New Jersey. He considers the program to be even more important in Philadelphia, since Holocaust education is not state-mandated in Pennsylvania. “[The students] loved to talk with [Survis] and the volunteers about the issues that they have in the world and how they wish there were more Upstanders for people like them because they do feel oppressed a lot, especially with the racial disparity in the country,” Jennifer Luneau, First Philadelphia Charter High School teacher and Graduate School of Education student, said.

Anti-bullying programs and Holocaust education programs are common, but combinations of the two are not. Survis believes that this unique program can more effectively portray the significance of the Holocaust and encourage social awareness.

“This dualistic approach present s t he i n for m at ion through a historical lens and then allows them to make the connection [to anti-bullying] for themselves but ensures that it happens,” Survis said.

The Upstander Initiative is implemented as a four-week curriculum starting with basic history and facts about what

Finally, a student representative of PRISM took the floor to argue that Penn’s commitment to religion as an aspect of diversity falls short, citing conf licts between course examinations and religious holidays that many students experience.

Administrators responded to each of the issues raised, saying primarily that the issues are currently being addressed through various initiatives and projects.

The meeting also included a presentation by Executive

happened during the Holocaust.

With certain groups, this topic can serve as a “lesson in cultural sensitivity” for the Penn student tutors.

“When we are talking about the ghettos, they have very different conceptions of what this word means,” College junior Rebecca Pritzker said. “They might recognize the word ghetto from their own neighborhood.”

During the second week, the tutors humanize the Holocaust by having the students read diary entries of teenagers who died in concentration camps. At the beginning of this session, the students are asked to write about a time that they were scared.

“It was shocking to a lot of the tutors [to see] what some of these students have gone through,” Survis said.

For the third week, a Holocaust survivor comes to speak.

“We are the last generation who is going to be alive while we are still able to meet Holocaust survivors.” Pritzker said.

“For many of the students this will be their only opportunity to meet a Holocaust survivor. They couldn’t fathom that he was actually there. They couldn’t imagine seeing someone who actually lived this

Vice President Craig Carnaroli about PennConnects 2.0, Penn’s campus development plan. Carnaroli said that a total of $3.8 billion has been invested in various development projects, including the construction of 34 new buildings and the renovation of 16 buildings.

Among the projects included in PennConnects 2.0 are the Radian, Domus, Shoemaker Green, the Singh Center for Nanotechnology and Penn Park.

V ic e P r e s id e n t fo r

history.”

S c h o o l In Luteacher Carl neau’s class, Ackerman Kreuzman said. came to Luneau sh a r e h e r saw the instory of surf luence of viva l wit h the program the students. in her class“The kids room soon already had after it cona con ne ccluded. t io n w it h “The pro[Survis] and gram made they undert hem st a r t stood what to r e a l i z e had hapbigger picpened in the ture issues Holocaust FIRST LAST | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER and start to and then t a l k about there was someone that [Survis] those things in class,” Luneau knew. So it kind of brought it said. “Some kids immediately home to them a little bit more,” started to realize what was Luneau said. going on around them in terms To conclude the curricu- of social justice.” lum, during the fourth week, For the students in Luneau’s the tutors explain how to take class, the Upstander Initiative action, what to do now that the was more than a Holocaust students have all this informa- and social awareness program. tion and how the Holocaust is The Penn tutors served as role relevant today. models and reflected a positive “I [encourage my] students example in diversity and at[to] study major events that tending college. shape world history and de“They realized that college velop empathy for people in is diverse and college is for evother parts of the world and, eryone,” Luneau said. “All of then, to feel empowered to these types of people can care do something to help or take about the Holocaust and can action,” Constitution High care about sticking up for the

Facilities and Real Estate Anne Papageorge followed up on Carnaroli’s presentation by confirming Penn’s commitment to sustainability through the Climate Action Plan. Papageorge cited several statistics illustrating Penn’s progress, including an 8 percent total reduction in carbon emissions between 2007 and 2014.

In response to a question about Penn’s expansion, Gutmann explained Penn’s commitment against expanding west in order to avoid encroaching on local communities.

CLASSLESS TV >> PAGE 1

Producer Arielle Port, the title “Screwed” takes on a double meaning. “‘Screwed’ is very much a double entendre, because we have a group of characters who are awkward, so they’re socially screwed, but they’re also literally not screwed because they’re all virgins,” Port said.

“It’s that clever, Classless, highbrow humor.”

While “Screwed” is considered raunchier than past series done by Classless TV, the show touches on a variety of themes relevant to college students.

“The show is about friendship, ultimately when you get down to it,” Port said. “It’s about these friends and how they’ll do things for each other.

Our pilot is definitely a little raunchy. It touches on a lot about virginity, or lack thereof, but the rest of the show isn’t necessarily about that.”

This thematic shift from past Classless TV series has come with some challenges.

“Creatively, because this season is so different than what’s happened in the past in

underdog. It doesn’t have to be one particular group of people.”

The program provides these discussions as a gateway for the students to talk to peers they look up to about anything they are facing in their lives.

“We want them to open up to us. Any topic that they want to open up about, we are here to discuss with them,” Pritzker said.

While some of the tutors are Jewish, Survis wants diversity among the tutors and believes it is important for the impact of the program.

“The Holocaust isn’t only a Jewish thing, tons of other people were killed,” Survis said. “The lessons you can take from the Holocaust are lessons that can be applied to humanity and not just to Jews in particular.”

Pritzker, who is co-leading the program with College juniors Yoni Weider and Ben Rosenbaum while Survis is abroad, agrees with Survis.

“One of the primary targets in the Holocaust was Jews, but we really try to emphasize in the program that the lessons we are teaching are not Jewish lessons. They are universal lessons,” Pritzker said. “The idea of being an Upstander is a universal value.”

terms of content, I think we disagree more about what should and shouldn’t be in and how much we want to cater what we write and what we produce to our audience versus for ourselves,” College senior and head writer Liz Alexander said.

Looking at the broader Penn community, recruitment and marketing are two focuses for the coming year of Classless TV. “If you’re interested in any part of television production, which includes writing, filming, editing [and] acting, you should come by and try it out,” Wharton junior and director Will Gregoire said.

The club is looking to be more active on social media and adhere to consistent release dates for the episodes. A big part of attracting viewers, according to College senior and Director of Photography Gray Stanton, is developing the characters.

“I’m hoping we can continue to keep the characters interesting and that they will have a chance to grow over time,” he said. “Our goal is to put out a finished product we can be proud of.”

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THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

NEWS 3

Mayor Nutter’s legacy in Penn’s eyes Students applaud achievements as term comes to end ERIN FARRELL Staff Reporter

Left with fewer than four more weeks until Democrat Jim Kenney takes over as Mayor of Philadelphia on Jan. 1, Penn students reflect on Mayor Michael Nutter’s achievements for the city during his tenure.

After being on the city council for two years, he was elected in a tough race against two sitting Congress members. Since then, he has served two terms as mayor, complete with a legacy of educational, public safety and sustainability reforms.

Entering his first term with a citywide $1 billion deficit, Nutter was challenged immediately to help financially fix a city in debt turmoil.

And his partial turnaround of the city’s debt situation is acknowledged as one of Nutter’s biggest achievements for the city.

“He came in during the recession,” College junior and Penn Democrats Political Director Sam Iacobellis said. “People forget how

ABROAD >> PAGE 1

discussed how going abroad is comparable to entering freshman year.

“Similar to freshman year, you want to explore new things and put yourself out there, which puts you in a more vulnerable state,” Mertz said. “Unfortunately, predators often target these vulnerabilities.”

According to the sexual assault climate survey released by the American Association of Universities this fall, the highest rates of sexual assault for female underclassmen at Penn were of freshmen (22.8 percent), with a steady decline over sophomore

close we came to Great Depression levels of unemployment. We are still the most impoverished big city, and Nutter always has known that education is a huge part of that and has worked to improve it tirelessly.”

Other publicly acknowledged achievements of his tenure include increases in environmentally sustainable practices in the city, strengthening of the educational systems against a tide of decreased educational funding and a decrease in youth violence and crime.

“I think a lot of people criticize Mayor Nutter in part for policies that can be seen as over-policing. I think that’s a legitimate criticism.

But I also think people understate the value of public safety and crime rates going down,” College junior and Penn Political Coalition CoChair Shane Murphy said. “The city is objectively the safest it’s been since the 1960s.”

Since being appointed mayor, Nutter has managed to entice a papal visit and a tentative Dalai Lama visit, increasing both national and international attention for the city of Philadelphia. Though

opinions vary on some of his more controversial policies regarding education and public safety, general opinions of Mayor Nutter remain largely positive.

“I think on balance, he’s made Philadelphia a more prominent city in the national discussion than it was before. A big part of his legacy is definitely outreach and evangelizing for the city of Philadelphia, which has garnered him some criticism, but I think it’s been a generally good thing,” Murphy said.

Looking to the newly elected mayor, Kenney, a similar promise of future reforms, city growth, educational focus and LGBT antidiscrimination laws appear likely, following Nutter’s recent approval of a bill mandating that all single occupancy bathrooms in the city be gender neutral.

“Kenney and Nutter have always obviously had some differences, even when they were St. Joe’s classmates. But people tend to really think he has some promise to build off of the legacy of success that Michael Nutter has built,” Iacobellis said.

(15.3 percent), junior (12.7 percent) and senior (10.7 percent) years.

Preventative measures were then discussed to empower both women and men to feel safer in their new environments abroad.

These precautions included being aware of cultural norms and not looking like a tourist, which might include wearing more conservative clothing or avoiding wearing graphic T-shirts with obscene images or language.

In addition, it’s important to not walk alone at night or in unfamiliar neighborhoods without doing research to make sure the area is safe.

The Penn Study Abroad website explains that it is important

to understand a host country’s culture’s attitudes toward gender roles, different religion and sexual orientation and to know local laws and political circumstances.

Overall, Mertz emphasized to trust one’s instincts — if something seems not right, one should remove yourself from the situation.

“While studying abroad, you might want to always be adventurous, but it’s okay to say no or to turn down invitations,” Mertz said.

However, if someone is sexually assaulted while studying abroad, Mertz affirmed that all of the resources here at Penn are available, like the Women’s Center and CAPS.

Do well by doing good.

Do you want to use your Penn education to make a difference in the lives of others?

Do you have an idea for a commercial venture that has a positive social impact?

Could you use $100,000 to help turn your idea into a reality? If so, then the President’s Innovation Prize is for you.

Final Fall information session held in the Fireside Lounge (2nd floor of the ARCH building): Thursday, December 3, 4:00 PM

Deadline: February 2016

Application information can be found at www.upenn.edu/curf

4

OPINION Pa. governor right to accept Syrian refugees EDITORIAL

THURSDAY DECEMBER 3, 2015 VOL. CXXXI, NO. 111

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mid the recent, mainly Republican backlash against accepting Syrian refugees by many states, Gov. Tom Wolf’s decision to allow refugees to settle in Pennsylvania is a refreshingly ethical decision in American politics today.

We are thankful that Wolf has made the right decision because these refugees are not terrorists — they are the people running from the same terrorists we fear.

As Penn students, especially since many of us come from immigrant backgrounds as well, we need to show our support for Wolf’s

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MATT MANTICA President JILL CASTELLANO Editor-in-Chief LUKE CHEN Director of Online Projects LAUREN FEINER City News Editor KRISTEN GRABARZ Campus News Editor CLAIRE COHEN Assignments Editor

decision, whether through posting on social media, instigating campus discussions or volunteering to help resettle the refugees.

Critics of Wolf’s policy worry that ISIS members or other terrorists will use the Syrian refugee crisis to infiltrate the United States .

However, the federal government’s screening process is extremely thorough, on average taking over a year.

Potential refugees are subjected to in-person interviews and biometric tests, with involvement from antiterrorist agencies. They even have to go through two background checks because

the process takes so long that circumstances might have changed over the

refugees resemble rampant xenophobia more than legitimate concerns.

If we allow ourselves to fall prey to instinctive fears of ‘the Other,’ we will be doing a great wrong to the millions of families fleeing destruction, suffering and death.” course of the application.

In many ways, the fears currently being vehemently expressed about the Syrian

But if we allow ourselves to fall prey to instinctive fears of “the Other,” we will be doing a great wrong

to the millions of families fleeing destruction, suffering and death in their homelands.

As a recent article in The Huffington Post pointed out, the government’s halfhearted response to the refugee crisis mirrors another refugee crisis — Jews fleeing Nazi Germany were largely turned away from the United States because of fears of German spies. As a result, thousands of refugees needlessly died.

We need to learn from the mistakes of history, not repeat them. And we’re happy that Wolf is a student of history and not of hate.

PAOLA RUANO Copy Editor RILEY STEELE Senior Sports Editor

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COLIN HENDERSON Sports Editor LAINE HIGGINS Sports Editor HOLDEN MCGINNIS Sports Editor CARTER COUDRIET Creative Director KATE JEON Design Editor JOYCE VARMA Design Editor HENRY LIN Online Graphics Editor IRINA BIT-BABIK News Photo Editor ILANA WURMAN Sports Photo Editor TIFFANY PHAM Photo Manager GENESIS NUNEZ Social Media Editor MEGAN YAN Business Manager

SOPHIA OAK is a College senior from Honolulu. Her email is oakj@sas.upenn.edu.

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On Penn, feminism and chubby-cheeked babies

EMMA HARVEY Analytics Manager MAX KURUCAR Circulation Manager

THIS ISSUE EVAN CERNEA Associate Copy Editor SUNNY CHEN Associate Copy Editor AMANDA GEISER Associate Copy Editor KAILASH SUNDARAM Associate Copy Editor NICK BUCHTA Sports Copy Editor LULU WANG Associate Photo Editor ANANYA CHANDRA Associate Photo Editor JULIO SOSA Associate Photo Editor ANNIE GRAVES Associate Design Editor MICHELLE TERNG Associate Design Editor TAMARA PRABHAKAR Associate Design Editor

LETTERS Have your own opinion? Send your letter to the editor or guest column to letters@thedp.com.

Unsigned editorials appearing on this page represent the opinion of The Daily Pennsylvanian as determined by the majority of the Editorial Board.

All other columns, letters and artword represent the opinion of their authors and are not necessarily representative of the DP’s position.

GUEST COLUMN BY CAROLINE SIMON

A

s I realize what I am about to say, I can practically feel the earth shake as bra burners of days gone by turn in their graves. I can nearly see the silvery tear sliding down Sheryl Sandberg’s cheek. I imagine that men like Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum are throwing out a hearty cheer.

It will be easier if I just come out and say it.

It’ll just be an amplification of the surprised looks I get when I talk about the standing mixer my parents gave me for Christmas, or when I share the baby names I’ve had planned out for years (Lucy and Charlotte for girls, Thomas and James for boys, in case you were wondering).

It’ll be only slightly more shameful than the embarrassment I feel when I pick up Brides instead of The New Yorker. (The special day will involve a ball gown, with a lavender-and-cream

color scheme, in late summer or early fall, for your information).

It won’t be worse than the awkwardness of that eighthgrade Quizbowl competition, in which my teammates knew each presidents’ years in office, and the only question I answered was about whipping cream (if you whip it for long enough, it turns into butter, by the way).

Yes. It’s true. I harbor a secret, unexpected, inexplicable, repressed desire to be a housewife. Apron, apple pie, angel-faced child and all. I want to maintain an immaculate home, plant a bountiful garden, cook delicious meals and raise adorable children. When I picture my future in 15 years, it’s not in some cubicle — it’s in my spacious, well-lit kitchen.

You’re surprised, aren’t you? I go to Penn. I apply for club positions and internships with the same aggressive thirst that my peers do. I

READERS CHIME IN

on “Geographic diversity at Penn leaves some regions underrepresented” According to the Admissions Office’s profile for the Class of 2019, only 10.8 percent of students are from the Southeast, while 44.4 percent hail from the Northeast. And despite Penn’s efforts, undergraduates from highly underrepresented areas face social and academic challenges when they arrive to Philadelphia.

This story appeared on page one of the Dec. 1 issue of the DP and can be found online at theDP.com.

feel strong and independent and professional as my heels click-clack through Huntsman Hall. I spend far more time writing essays and DP articles than I do cooking

loved childhood dollhouse and kitchen set? Was it the fact that my mom, one of my favorite people in the world, gave up her career to raise me and my brother?

Doesn’t feminism grant women a choice to do whatever the hell they want?” or cleaning my apartment.

And without question, I’m more concerned with finding a job than with finding a boyfriend.

But the desire remains.

It wells back up every time I see a couple with their stroller on Locust Walk or taste some home-cooked food. I wonder sometimes where I got it, this ugly, concealed, unnatural yearning of mine. Was it years of reading “Little House on the Prairie?” Was it my be-

The practical voice in my head tells me it will never work. I would be bored out of my mind sitting at home while my friends are out changing the world. I certainly did not go through the stress of a Penn education for nothing. And I hate the thought of depending completely on some far-in-thefuture, nebulous husband for my livelihood.

But I can’t shake my daydreams of chubby-cheeked babies, a simmering pot of

What a huge embarrassment to Penn. I would like to know the Office of Undergraduate Admissions’ yearly budget! So many assistant deans of admission sent to far flung corners of the country and world and the result: more rich kids from NY, NJ, PA, CA, MD, DC, etc.

— Mary

chicken noodle soup, a giant wall calendar in the kitchen proudly displaying the entire family’s schedule. Mired as I am in the insanity of college, that kind of life seems far away and impossible — but I know I’ll feel empty if I never achieve it.

It’s a dilemma that’s halffunny, half-serious. The cliched career-family debate rings true for many women, but I haven’t come across an exceptional number of female friends who adore the frills of domesticity as I do. It is strange, and I don’t pretend to understand it.

But having a pleasant, welldecorated house with homecooked meals and toddlers who run to me, not their nanny, is something I am going to work towards, just as I am going to work towards a successful career.

Naysayers may cry antifeminism, may believe that I’m tearing down the tower of accomplishment that women have been build-

ing for centuries. But I’d argue that they really don’t understand what feminism means. Doesn’t feminism grant women a choice to do whatever the hell they want?

They can run companies or become Navy SEALs. Or they can stay home and flip some pancakes and iron some shirts and read to their kids. The beauty of it is that they get to decide it for themselves.

So, check on me in a decade or two. In all likelihood, I’ll be doing something professional. I’ll have some sort of office and I won’t have the time to join every PTA committee. But don’t forget to come by my house for some fresh-baked cookies.

CAROLINE SIMON is a College sophomore from Oreland, Pa., studying English and communication. She is the campus news editor elect of the DP. Her email address is scaroli@sas.upenn.edu.

Honestly, had I known that the student population would feel somewhat homogeneous (along with some other things I’ve realized about Penn since being here), I probably would have more seriously considered other schools.

— ownlife

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NEWS 5

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

Is something hiding in Michelangelo’s works?

Penn senior searches for messages in the famous art ELAINE LEE Contributing Reporter

With paintings as famous as Michelangelo’s “The Creation of Adam” and “The Fall and Expulsion from Garden of Eden,” many scholars have developed insights and theories on the artist’s intentions and reflections. On Wednesday in the Harrison Rooftop Lounge, College and Wharton senior Ola Osinaike publicly revealed his own artistic interpretation of Michelangelo’s paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

A cinema studies major, Osinaike recognized a pattern among numerous Michelangelo paintings and hypothesized that a hidden image would form when overlapping the two halves of each painting. “I wrote a screenplay about ‘The Creation of Adam’ painting, and I kind of just came upon the discovery having revisited the image so many times,” he said.

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College junior Peter Thacher, Wharton and Engineering junior Thomas Lee and 1989 Wharton graduate Brian Goz presented their speeches in favor of the proposal, other members stood up from their seats in silence and held posters to the gathered audience.

“I think we made a good impression,” College senior and Fossil Free Penn member Jorge Mancilla said. “Standing up was a powerful demonstration and we definitely made ourselves heard, but it was also a very respectful demonstration.”

Thacher emphasized the toll of climate change on people in developing countries, while Lee and Goz focused on the financial

KHRISTIAN MONTERROSO | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Wharton senior Ola Osinaike discusses his artistic interpretation of Michelangelo’s paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

“[But] I don’t want to play out my findings as some grand conspiracy because the technique is quite simple.”

Beginning with the four

largest paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel — “The Creation of Adam,” “The Fall and Expulsion from Garden of Eden,” “The Flood” and

side of the proposal, claiming the trustees had a fiduciary duty to their donors to invest in sustainable industries. Not all the speakers, however, were convinced that divestment is the right idea.

Engineering senior Dillon Weber spoke against the proposal, arguing that divestment is a merely symbolic gesture. “Real action that contributes to solving the problem is better than symbolic action,” he said, suggesting the University could do more to reduce emissions instead and praising the school’s new Climate Action Plan. “I am in no way denying anthropogenic climate change,” he said, “but divestment is not a good tool.” Weber pointed out that the University would still be heavily reliant on petroleum products like plastics and steel

in all of its operations, claiming it would be a “hypocritical and empty gesture to claim to divest while still relying on petroleum.”

Professor Simon Richter of the German department had a different view. Speaking at the rally before the forum, Richter said, “It might be hypocritical for Penn to divest because we are dependent [on fossil fuels], but it’s also hypocritical for Penn to invest in the future of its students academically while at the same time investing in the destruction of their futures via fossil fuels.”

The divestment proposal will be examined by an ad hoc advisory committee next semester including faculty, students, alumni and staff; the committee will then provide the Board of Trustees with a recommendation on how to proceed.

“Creation of the Sun, Moon and Planets” — he wondered if Michelangelo had drawn separate images and combined them to create his paintings, as well as

a hidden message.

“The four largest paintings, all of which are scenes from Genesis, [were] divided into a clear left and a clear right, and because Michelangelo’s a painter, he must have drawn or sketched them out beforehand,” Osinaike said. “Paper can be transparent so it’s not implausible that he drew out the paintings and then made the paintings have a hidden message inside of them.”

In his presentation, Osinaike specifically pointed to “The Creation of Adam” and pointed out that dividing the painting in half and overlapping these parts formed a new image that refers to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Bible. A Christian himself, he was able to recognize these biblical references in the hidden messages.

“The new images spea k for themselves, to a deeper meaning, and have their own revelation,” Osinaike said.

“Like with the horsemen, there’s no way that the image comes together out of random

looks — Michelangelo obviously designed it to be that way … he also leads hints on how to line up the image.”

So far, Osinaike has created 38 reinterpretations of the paintings in the Sistine Chapel, but one obstacle he encountered was finding a quality copy of the images online. “They need to be super high quality for all the shades to function and work out as they’re supposed to,” he said. “The shadows serve a distinct function, but if I don’t have a high enough quality image, then the new image won’t be able to be arranged right.”

Moving forward, Osinaike wishes to present the juxtaposition of the original versions of these paintings with his interpretations in galleries and museums across the world.

He continues to search for opportunities to share this perspective on such historical art, and hopes to open an exhibit at the University of Pennsylvania Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology.

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Penn Police’s hightech disaster plan Joint backup site with Drexel secures campus ANNA HESS Staff Reporter

What would happen if the entire Penn Police Department’s security communication system went dark due to a simple power outage or a natural disaster?

Naturally, the Division of Public Safety has a backup site just in case.

One night, the electricity at the DPS building on 4040 Chestnut St. failed to power its central communications center, known as PennComm — due to the avid wire-chewing of a rebellious squirrel. The Penn Police dispatchers were cut off from their closed-circuit television security camera feeds as electrical failures came one after another. However, DPS didn’t miss a beat and were able to seamlessly retain communications and security throughout campus due to its backup site.

DPS has a little-known, fullscale backup PennComm center and situation room built out of the Pennovation Center at 34th Street and Grays Ferry Avenue.

Alongside Penn’s autonomous robot-testing site and detection dog-training center is a fully equipped backup Penn Police station ready to secure campus in case of any emergency.

Development of the backup center was initiated with Penn’s acquisition of the Pennovation Center about three and a half years ago. The satellite location is fully functional and is ready as a

HELEN FETAW | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

DPS has a full-scale backup PennComm and situation room, enabling it to stay in contact emergency situations.

backup for the PennComm center in the event of any fire, flood or loss of power.

“One of the things that we do in the public safety world is we always look at worst case scenarios,” Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush said. “You don’t want to have all of your operations in one building and then lose functionality in that building.”

Rush said that the center was large enough to be a collaborative backup site along with Drexel

Police resources, making the satellite station an alternate command system for both Penn and Drexel security communication centers. Penn Police dispatchers and supervisors test the site’s reliability regularly by performing emergency drills and relocations to the center.

“You only have to have one or two uses of this kind of backup system to get your return on investment,” Rush said. “Think of it as an insurance policy — if you need it, it’s there.”

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THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

SPORTS 7

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

Quakers continue tough Penn prepares for packed weekend slate stretch in leadup to break SQUASH | Men’s side to

play without Mahmoud DAVID FIGURELLI Sports Reporter

Winning is an attitude. This weekend, Penn squash will certainly have a big opportunity to prove that once again.

After gutting out a 5-4 victory over Drexel last Tuesday in which the bottom of the ladder had to come up clutch, the No. 7 men’s team will go into a very busy weekend featuring two of the toughest teams on its entire schedule in No. 3 St. Lawrence and No. 4 Rochester. The Quakers (3-0) will also take on No. 15 Williams a mere three hours after facing Rochester on Sunday.

The matches against St. Lawrence and Rochester surely mark the greatest test of this young season for the Red and Blue, representing their first matchups against teams with higher rankings, and Penn will need the top of the ladder to step up after getting just one win from its top five players against city rival Drexel.

“We feel confident about our lineup all the way through,” coach Jack Wyant said. “The matches in the top three positions didn’t go our way last weekend,

but we know we have the ability to be successful there. The competition this weekend is going to be incredibly tough, and we know that.”

But the Quakers’ talented group of underclassmen should inspire confidence in the team’s ability to come away with good results against two squads that are historically very strong in the Saints and the Yellow Jackets.

“We’re still a very young team,” Wyant added. “Seven of our top nine are underclassmen, and we’re missing sophomore Marwan [Mahmoud] who would certainly be in that mix, so we’re a young team but we’re ready for a good test this weekend.”

The injury to Mahmoud is a big blow to the Quakers. As a freshman last year, he competed at the No. 1 spot on the ladder in every match, accumulating an impressive 15-6 record while helping Penn reach the Potter Cup as the seven seed, finishing 11th in the College Squash Association Individual Rankings.

The story of the weekend is bit different on the women’s side this weekend, however. Coming into the weekend ranked third, Penn (2-0) will face two teams that are ranked outside of the top 10, with No. 21 St. Lawrence on Saturday and No. 12 Williams on Sunday.

So, this weekend could see some new faces in the lineup for the women who perhaps might not get in otherwise.

But after this weekend, both teams will be going in to a monthlong break filled with finals and holidays, only to come right out of it to travel to Cambridge for matches against Harvard, which is ranked second on the men’s side and first on the women’s.

Thus, this weekend is the beginning of a crucial month of preparation for a tough January for the Quakers, and getting good results for both teams will be crucial to starting the month off right.

“Right now we are really focused on having good practices,” women’s senior captain Yan Xin Tan said. “There’s a lot going on right now with exams and everything, so we’re just focusing on two hours a day, having solid practices, going through this weekend just like any other weekend and trying to have optional practices during breaks so that we can prepare for the month ahead.”

While on the surface this weekend represents two different matchups for Penn squash, one thing each team has in common is that good results are key going into a break before for a busy and challenging January.

ALEX FISHER | STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

With Penn fresh off two sweeps to begin its 2015-16 campaign, senior captain Yan Xin Tan will lead the women’s side against No. 21 St. Lawrence and No. 12 Williams this weekend.

Find the DP on: facebook.com/ dailypenn @dailypenn

WRESTLING | Tough field

will challenge Quakers ARIEL FIELDMAN Sports Reporter

What does Penn wrestling have in common with a Batman villain?

They’re Riddlers.

The Red and Blue wrestling squad has been known to celebrate good performances by telling a variety of riddles and logic puzzles on the way home from matches — and they’re hoping that the bus ride back from Penn State this upcoming weekend will once again be a time to confound each other off the mat.

Before they do that, though, the Quakers will have to find success at this weekend’s Nittany Lion Open, hosted by Penn State. Penn will look to continue the momentum it built from its strong performances at last weekend’s Keystone Classic.

The meet lineup not only includes Penn State’s formidable squad, but a number of individual, unaffiliated school entries that could pose an even greater challenge.

“This tournament in the past has been really tough,” senior 157-pounder Brooks Martino said. “You get a lot of kids who are red-shirting, and Penn State is a top-five team in the nation.

There’s always a lot of tough kids from Pennsylvania and [New] Jersey that go to these tournaments.”

Not only is the field competitive, but the sheer number of entries is enough to present a unique challenge to the Red and Blue. If there are more than 32 entries in a weight class — which is anticipated, especially in the middle weight classes — the contest will be single elimination until the round of 32. This has the potential to shift how competitors approach a match.

“You can’t really afford a loss until you’ve won at least two — that presents a big challenge.

You can’t start slow, and you

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Senior 184-pounder Lorenzo Thomas leads the Quakers to State College, Pa., where they will face some of the nation’s top grapplers.

have to be ready to go out hard as soon as the whistle blows,” Martino said.

“You’ll have to come out aggressive, score immediately and keep the lead the whole match.

If something goes wrong, you won’t be able to wrestle all the way back like you can in other tournaments.”

However, the Red and Blue are taking this challenge in stride, building on the previous experience they’ve gained competing and practicing this season.

“It’s always challenging,” coach Alex Tirapelle said. “As a whole, the group’s looked pretty well, and we’ve remained fairly healthy. We’ll start to have guys running into people they’ve already seen, and they’ll start to turn the tide if they’ve lost to them before or win by

more points than they may have before.”

The new staffing changes also give Penn wrestling a competitive edge, particularly in the heavyweight class.

“It’s definitely an advantage, especially for me, as [new assistant coach] Mike McMullan was also a heavyweight in his collegiate career,” junior 197-pounder Frank Mattiace said. “They’re younger and bring a different view to the team, and just work really well with the other coaches.”

As a whole, the team is excited to take on — and take down — more challenges and more opponents.

“I think this is going to be a really good opportunity early on in the season,” Mattiace said. “Right now, it’s not about nerves, its about excitement.”

8 SPORTS

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM

Fast times at Kenyon await the Red and Blue SWIMMING | Penn to visit

that we want to accomplish. It’s all a team effort, because we all want to get under certain times.� “We just want to swim fast,� senior Eric Schultz added. “The

guys are all rested and ready to go. We’ve been training for two and a half months. It’s definitely been a grind.�

A not her d r aw for t he Quakers to this meet is the

opportunity to swim their offevents. Because Kenyon offers more f lexibility in the competition, swimmers can swim up to eight different events as opposed to their usual three conference events. “We’re there to swim a lot of fun events. I’m swimming some events that I only swim once a year, at this meet particularly,� junior Rochelle Dong said.

Traditionally freshmen swim more events than upperclassmen at this meet, so the bar of expectations for the rookies is set higher than that of others. “They’re all so fast. Some of the girls are getting fast times for events they’ve never swam before,� Dong said. “The freshmen are really upping the game and putting a bit of pressure on us upperclassmen.� “We have a lot of new versatile kids on our team, like [freshmen] Thomas Dillinger and Madison Visco,� Schnur added. “They’re all exceptional, but we’re trying to narrow them down to see what events they should do.�

Unlike many of the team’s other meets this season, this particular invitational is more about swimming for sport and team bonding than it is about winning. “Meets like the NCAA’s are more individual type meets, but Kenyon has more of a team atmosphere,� Schultz said. “You score points for your team. It’s all about the team. That’s what I kind of like about this intercollegiate meet. “This is one of our most fun meets. ... Our team always comes together for this meet for a good time. It’s because we won’t be focused on winning or losing.�

W. HOOPS

terms of maturity.�

Stipanovich’s dom inance couples with Nwokedi’s equally impressive skill set to create a fierce duo in the frontcourt — something that has contributed to Penn’s fantastic defense throughout the first five games. So far, the Quakers have only yielded 60 points once and have kept opponents below 50 in three of their five contests.

McLaughlin believes the camaraderie between these two will only continue to grow as the season progresses. “It’s their passion about the team and how they want to be really good together [that is most impressive],� he said. “They both have unique abilities. They both can score the ball. They both can block shots. They both can run the floor. I just think it’s really important that they want to be good together. “It’s a selfless act. I don’t think they individually want to be good. [...] They want to be the best two they can be.�

Nwokedi also collected some conference honors this week, as she was selected as the Ivy League Co-Player of the Week for the first time in her career after being named Ivy League Rookie of the Week six times last season.

Like Stipanovich, Nwokedi has stepped up in big moments — especially last week when the sophomore scored 10 points in the final eight minutes of play to rally the team back from 12 points down to Colorado State. “I think I have a lot more confidence,� the Missouri City, Texas, native said. “My teammates are behind me 100 percent.�

Stipanovich and Nwokedi will take the court again this Saturday against Navy at the Palestra as the team attempts to extend its win streak and McLaughlin seeks his 499th career win.

While the Quakers beat the Blue and Gold (4-2) last year in Annapolis, the Red and Blue know that Navy never fails to put up a good fight.

seen it in practice. I didn’t see it in the game. I didn’t see anything different,� the first-year coach stated.

Still, despite their early struggles, Penn found a way to climb back. “We got a little fat and happy,�

Navy coach Ed Dechellis admitted of his team’s play in the final half.

Antonio Woods led the charge down the stretch, almost singlehandedly keeping the Quakers within striking distance as he scored 13 of his 16 in the second half. Then, when a Navy three-point play appeared to take back any momentum the Red and Blue had mustered with just over four minutes to play in the game, Woods connected from distance, touching nothing but nylon on the clutch triple.

But then the star two-guard inexplicably went cold.

After the Midshipmen converted on their own end, Woods missed the front end of a critical one-and-one.

Then, after Howard chased down the long rebound, Woods failed to convert on the potential game-tying 18-foot jumper.

Following a quick, tough two by Navy’s Shawn Anderson, Woods found himself at the stripe again, this time with his team down four.

But again, the man who had willed

his team back into the contest came up short on both of his free throw attempts as any remaining hope of the Quakers pulling off the comeback win fell just short.

However, despite faltering in his final chances it would be silly to blame Woods for the loss. Without his gritty play when the Red and Blue appeared otherwise out of gas there never would have been an opportunity for Penn to steal a win. “I trust him like no one else,�

Donahue said of Woods. “But, he’s probably not as confident in his shooting right now,� he went on to admit. “His foul shooting is just in one of those funks that he’ll get out of. “I think we have the makings of a great Ivy League player.�

With Howard pacing the Quakers with just 29 minutes of time on the floor, the squad should be well rested for Friday’s matchup with a pesky George Mason squad (3-5) that has notched victories over Oklahoma State and Mississippi.

Penn will remain above .500 for at least one more game. If they continue play how they did in the last 10 minutes of Tuesday’s loss they may stay above that line for at least awhile longer.

35-time D-III champs CASSANDRA DINH Sports Reporter

Division I, meet Division III. On Thursday, the Quakers will compete against teams from Kenyon, Johns Hopkins and Carnegie Mellon in the first of three days at the Total Pe r fo r m a n c e I nv it a t io n a l hosted by Kenyon College, in Gambier, Ohio.

Although Kenyon is a D-III school, this Invitational carries much a lot of weight for the program. Kenyon swimming has a reputation as the preeminent D-III team, having won 35 National Championships. “They’re the best Division III team of all time. They are a far better team than some Ivy League teams we compete against,� Penn coach Mike Schnur said.

The invitational itself has a similar reputation, as it draws the attention of many other top D-I programs. “They have one of the fastest pools in the country,� Schnur said. “It’s not a coincidence that Chris Swanson made his NCAA cut there last year. “It’s usually the fastest pool we swim in every year.�

Although this is Penn’s only meet this month, performance in this pool is largely indicative for the season to come.

And there’s nothing like a midseason marker to increase expectations for this squad. “This meet acts as a springboard for the rest of the season,�

Schnur said. “Last year, both teams swam very well here, and it really springboarded us

JULIO SOSA | NEWS PHOTO EDITOR-ELECT

Star senior Eric Schultz is certainly no stranger to fast times, earning second team All-Ivy honors last season while also representing the Quakers in three different events at NCAA’s. At one of the fastest pools in the nation at Kenyon, he can expect more fast times this week.

through exceptional training for the remainder of the season and to a great Ivy Championship meet.�

As such, both the men’s and women’s teams have been doing

much to prepare, with goals that focus mainly on speed. “We’re really excited because a lot of us are tapering,� sophomore Sydney Tan said. “Our team has about 25 goals

>> PAGE 10

SUDOKUPUZZLE

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M. HOOPS >> PAGE 10

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70 Like 2016, but not 2015

While the team has been recognized on a national scale, a few of its players are making headlines individually in the 2015-16 season.

During last Tuesday’s game against Colorado State, junior center Sydney Stipanovich became Penn’s all-time leader in blocked shots with 197, surpassing the previous record of 194.

With nearly two full seasons of eligibility remaining, Stipanovich is on her way to cementing her name in the record books for many years to come.

Coach Mike McLaughlin has not only been impressed with Stipanovich’s stellar play on both ends of the court, but also applauds the captain for stepping up as a leader on the floor after the team graduated four seniors in 2014. “Sydney has really been the anchor for us,� he said. “She has taken a new role on the court in

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Coach Steve Donahue noted that Navy (7-2) was challenging defensively. The Midshipmen forced sloppy play and rarely gave up shooting lanes, forcing Penn to heave numerous tough prayers as the shot clock expired. The stingy defense combining with Nelson-Henry and Woods facing foul trouble didn’t help the cause. “Give Navy credit,� Donahue said postgame, “But we lost it in the first half.�

The game’s officials may deserve a bit of credit too. On a few calls that didn’t go their way, players and even Donahue appeared confused and occasionally livid.

Freshman guard Jake Silpe was at the wrong end of a few of those calls, getting called for multiple walks and a carry.

Donahue accredited the traveling infractions to a stutter step that Silpe often utilizes. A move his coach didn’t recall ever being whistled this season.

As for the carries Donahue appeared more perplexed. “We had two carries called. I haven’t seen that all year. I haven’t

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THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

SPORTS 9

MUMFORD & SONS • KINGS OF LEON • FLORENCE & THE MACHINE • DEADMAU5

ELLIE GOULDING • DISCLOSURE • BLINK-182 • DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE • TAME IMPALA • M83 A$AP ROCKY • MAJOR LAZER • THE 1975 • OF MONSTERS AND MEN • CHVRCHES TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB • LUDACRIS • THE NEIGHBOURHOOD • EARTH WIND & FIRE • GROUPLOVE PORTER ROBINSON • FITZ & THE TANTRUMS • FETTY WAP • FLOGGING MOLLY • VINCE STAPLES TROMBONE SHORTY & ORLEANS AVENUE • MØ • TCHAMI • CATFISH & THE BOTTLEMEN • ST. LUCIA ATLAS GENIUS • ALUNAGEORGE • NATHANIEL RATELIFF & THE NIGHT SWEATS • GUSTER • ELLE KING

Plus many more!

June 16-19, 2016

THE WOODLANDS OF DOVER, DE

BATTLE FOR PA

FAST TIMES AWAIT

Penn wrestling looks to find a way to bring home some hardware from Penn State this weekend

At the Total Performance Invitational in Ohio, Penn swimming tries to get the freshmen’s feet wet

>> SEE PAGE 7

>> SEE PAGE 8

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015

Quakers ready for naval battle

NAVY 65 59 PENN

OUTFLANKED

ILANA WURMAN | DESIGN EDITOR-ELECT

Junior center Sydney Stipanovich is now the program’s all-time leader in blocks with 197.

W. HOOPS | After winning four

straight, Quakers still hungry ANNA DYER Associate Sports Editor

It takes most teams a couple of games to warm up early in the season before the players really hit their stride, both the best teams and the worst teams.

Look at LeBron James and the 2014 Cleveland Cavaliers, for example. And hey, the 76ers had to play 18 games SATURDAY this season before they notched their first win.

Navy This year, how(4-3) ever, Penn women’s 2 p.m. basketball needed no The Palestra warm-up. After narrowly falling to No. 14 Duke in its season opener, the squad has hit the court running and not looked back, winning four in a row against talented opponents.

And the success of the Red and Blue has not gone unnoticed. In the latest Ratings Percentage Index ranking, the Quakers stood at 17th in the nation, 32 spots above their closest Ivy competitor and the 2014 defending Ivy champion, Princeton, which came in at No. 42 on the list.

“I think [being ranked] only motivates us to work even harder and get even better,” sophomore forward Michelle Nwokedi said. “I don’t think it adds pressure at all.”

SEE W. HOOPS PAGE 8

M. HOOPS | Quakers’ late

SATURDAY

rally falls short against Navy

George Mason (3-5)

THOMAS MUNSON

6 p.m.

Fairfax, Va.

Associate Sports Editor

An uneventful evening at the Palestra suddenly erupted with excitement after nearly 38 minutes of one-sided

DP S WA M I S 62 YEARS OF GRIDIRON GENIUS

basketball when sophomore guard Antonio Woods connected with junior forward Matt Howard on an emphatic alley-oop.

Unfortunately for Quakers the rally stopped there as they proceeded to ultimately fall to the Midshipmen, 65-59.

It was a tale of two halves on Tuesday night. The Red and Blue (4-3) dug themselves a 12-point hole after 20 minutes of play and coughed up 11 turnovers in the opening period.

SEE M. HOOPS PAGE 8

HAIL TO THE VICTOR Wire-to-wire victories are few and far between.

Great teams like the 2006 Ohio State Buckeyes, the 2007 New England Patriots, and the 2014-15 Kentucky Wildcats all fell just short of completing perfect seasons.

One blemish can often be overlooked, especially if you’re Alabama and have 11 mediocre wins against predominantly subpar teams (calling you out College Football Playoff Committee).

But when that sole loss comes at the end of an otherwise immaculate campaign, the pain can be overbearing and can result in you and your brother walking off the court without shaking your opponents hands.

For most of this year’s Swamis, it seemed to be a battle for second place after an undrafted free agent sophomore squeaked his way into the lineup and then turned in a clean sheet in Week

Thomas “Rich Rod” Munson

Carter “Skinny Legged Peyton” Coudriet

Riley “Retired Brett Favre” Steele

Colin “Subjectively Attractive” Henderson

Ilana “Too Young to Vote” Wurman

Alexis “Too Old to Care” Ziebelman

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47-10

46-11

43-14

43-14

42-15

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With the arena finally on its feet and the Quakers hanging on by the skin of their teeth, it seemed like the Red and Blue had a puncher’s chance to steal a victory.

Penn, who trailed for over 38 minutes, finally drew even with 1:12 to go following a Navy turnover and two clutch free throws by senior center Darien NelsonHenry.

Matthew “S-exec-uality Ambiguous” Mantica 42-15

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One. Saturday after fateful Saturday, he continued to produce the answers necessary to remain in the first slot every Thursday.

However, another young challenger kept pace throughout the grueling season. He quietly remained relevant, just as Penn stalked Dartmouth and Harvard in the Ivy race.

Then, suddenly, with one week to play, after the Quakers upset the Crimson in Cambridge, the challenger sat just one game behind Swamis’ valiant leader.

Of course, in Swamis, there can only be one true champion. And so the title belt was to be fatefully decided by a matchup between Big 12 foes who knew all to well the hardships of tying for a league title.

But the frontrunner had no time for drama — in fact he was tired of it. So as Baylor knocked the pesky Cowboys out of the playoffs, so did he knock one

Carter Coudriet out of the single-digit loss club.

There would be no three-way tie nor co-champions. And while a few Columbia and Cornell pickers may be headed towards relegation, one man, no, one boy appears destined for the promise land.

The lucky 13th member of the 62nd Swamis burst out of the gate like California Chrome and finished like Iowa: undefeated with no ifs ands (Jake) butts or commas about it.

Now, with no one left to conquer in Pennsylvania, where will he go? Will he follow Al Bagnoli and bolt for Columbia?

Or maybe Eric Dolan to Stanford? Could he possibly chase Jim Halpert to Stamford?!?

His fellow Swamis can only hope.

Here’s to the B1G, Ray Priore and the 13no.

Thomas Munson: 49. Not Thomas Munson: 8.

Laine “She’s Coming Back???”

Higgins

Jill “Phone Charger” Castellano

Nick “Riley Steele” Buchta

Holden “Here in Spirit 131” McGinnis

Steven “Dalyn Williams” Tydings

Tom “Pylon Thief” Nowlan

42-15

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37-20

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