April 4, 2024 — Joke Issue

The Post of Pennsylvania

UTB FOR PREZ

Our of cial election campaign

The University may open an investigation into Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Penn Students Against the Occupation of Palestine, more colloquially known as Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against the Occupation (PAPAPAPAPAO), tentatively allowing the group to organize events in Pennaffiliated spaces until the probe has commenced.

Penn’s Center for Community Standards and Accountability may lead the investigation into PAPAPAPAPAO, an anti-pro-anti-pro-Palestinian student organization, depending on whether preliminary findings determine that the group’s existence poses a threat to the feelings of Penn’s donor base. “We tried to remove them from Penn Clubs,” wrote a representative from the Office of Student Affairs, “but their name didn’t fit into the search bar.”

A spokesperson for the Center for Community Standards and Accountability explained that “student leaders

and organizations are expected to behave in accordance with the Code of Student Conduct. With respect to Penn Against the Penn Occupation… Penn Against Penn Against… fuck. Whoever these people are, we’re gonna get them. Unless they fall in line with donor-sponsored orthodoxy. Then we won’t get them.”

Mohammed Goldstein (C ‘26), a student activist who requested anonymity, expressed concerns that the University’s potential investigation was merely a front to stifle speech freedoms. “What we stand for goes beyond Penn’s campus. No matter how much they try to silence us, our message will endure. And besides, why single us out? There are plenty of other clubs to investigate. What the hell is Penn Lions hiding underneath all that?”

Late last night, via Instagram live stream, Wharton Dean Erika James announced that Trisha Paytas will be the Commencement speaker for the Wharton Class of 2024. Paytas herself made an appearance on the live stream. Referencing the art form for which she is most known, she cosplayed as Dean James, much to her satisfaction. When asked if Paytas’ outfit was problematic, James responded plainly: “It’s context-dependent.”

ideas align well with WH2010’s mandatory study of the Frenemies Podcast, allowing all Whartonites to see that there truly are two sides to every coin.

Paytas is also expected to perform a musical number at the ceremony. While not known for her live performances, Paytas is said to be departing from her traditional venue of her Los Angeles kitchen floor to celebrate the new graduates. Paytas’ famed mukbang, however, will not make an appearance on the day. The President’s Office is banning drive-thru establishments from catering the event on account of, “not being fit for Wharton graduates.”

At press time, we tried to reach out for comment but were informed that we had inadvertently reached out to Penn Against Penn Against the Occupation. come closer closer

Paytas’ status as the proliferator of religious messaging serves well to give new graduates hope in a time when media outlets are describing, “faith under fire.” Well-versed in Biblical verses, Hebrew, and the Israel-Hamas conflict, Paytas will impart her nuanced opinions upon all attendees. Paytas’ newborn, Malibu Barbie Paytas-Hacmon, whose Jesus-like status as the second coming of the late Queen Elizabeth II, is said to contribute to Paytas’ contemporary teachings. These

When asked for comment, Paytas’ interest in the ceremony was unclear. Seemingly thinking that Penn was a Jewish day school, she remarked: “Mazel tov, lil grads! L’chaim and like literally mashallah, diva.”

Live stream of Paytas’ speech will be available at @blndsundoll4mj.

What makes a good video ? Really cheap comedy to be honest. We’ll let you know when we figure the rest out.

Give us a glimpse into your creative process?

Pero like, what creative process? Brain go brrrrrr.

Any advice for aspiring film makers ?

No; we gatekeep.

Are you excited for the eagles to play in the Super Bowl?

No; we’re cowboys fans. We love Beyonce. This ain’t Texas.

Can I get a one dance ?

Yes. Unless you are in Disney Acapella or College Republicans… then, no. Members of Mask and Wig band get a two dance.

In effect, I’m basically a walking billboard for the American Dream. Anything is possible for me, because I know a guy. Many, many a guy. Anything was possible for President Gay, too, because she knew a guy, to copy.

It ought to be said that I’m so much more than my immigrant or minority status – I read the news. I love keeping up to date on all things, particularly when such statuses are relevant to current discourse. Discourse is a beautiful thing, particularly when I can project about how difficult my life is. President Gay gets it, she’s worked to get where she is. She’s struggled like the rest of us girls.

Back on track though. Gays for Gay.

Just like immigration law, copyright law is fundamentally beneficial for guys like me. You see, according to the 10th commandment, copying is “permitted so long as thou shalt not make the unfunny with that which shalt be copied henceforth …” Then there’s a bit about sodomy, but I follow my own truth.

So just as this print edition of Under the Button’s newspaper, The Post of Pennsylvania, seeks to make the funny with that which be shalt copied henceforth, one ought to see President Gay’s rigorously researched academic work as having tried to make that which hast been copied henceforth funny. Right? Jokes don’t always land. The media is a cold, cruel world full of evil, conniving people who want to make a cheap buck. And I get it. I am that media.

Point is, sometimes life is tough. Sometimes, the joke doesn’t land, and people suck balls. However, as President Gay strives to keep copying and pasting academic work together, this President Gay will support that President Gay. Parody is an essential facet of Presidents Gay. Without parody’s legalization, Under the Button, nay, Presidents Gay altogether would cease to exist. Presidents Gay consider mimicry the highest form of flattery.

And so, in this Statement from President Gay, let it be known that together, President Gay and President Gay are Presidents Gay. I, I, follow, I follow her, deep sea baby, I follow her.

This ought to be a Statement from Presidents Gay. Ah shit forgot about the Senate inquiry.

Dear Former President Magill, It’s been a while since we last spoke, and we have some things we need to get off our chest. You used to go here. For like two semesters. But still. You were an integral part of our college experience for those thirteen gleeful months. Who could forget our cherished memories together? Ice Cream Socials every week, grazing your fingers with my palm as I received the mint chocolate chip cone. The Palestinian Writers Conference, oh how you lauded those brave souls fighting for justice! And your inspiring, threeminute-long ode to the Penn Bookstore that summer before you took office. You were glazing I can’t lie. Anyway, we write to let you know that we miss you. That we miss it all. Campus life since you left just isn’t the same. We used to know a gregarious president who had so many fun nicknames. “Lizzy,” “Lizzo,” “Amy Gutmann Part 2,” “Rizz Magill.” Now, we only know one president. And his name is J. Larry Jameson. There isn’t even that much fun stuff to do with his name. It’s too dorky and clunky as is. Lameson is the best Benji could come up with, and he’s usually our go-to guy for this sort of thing. Lameson

ZHANG would roll off the tongue, and that it would be great for marketing.

isn’t even good. What’s more, we write to tell you we are sorry. Shit got a little heated last semester. You said some things, we said some things. If I’m gonna be real right now, your vibe at the Congress hearing was lowkey not the move. But that’s not why we bought this space in our prestigious circulation, The Post of Pennsylvania. We did it to apologize.

So yes, we are sorry for the posts. Sorry for suggesting that you may have looked up whether there are more Jewish or Palestinian billionaires before sending your October 10 message to the Penn community. Sorry for letting everyone know they can stay up late and play on their computers when you go to DC. And we are sorry that, after that fateful DC trip, we had to redact our statement that you were going to become the next US ambassador to Israel. You’re not built like that. Now that everything is totally cooled off on campus, we invite you to return. Swing by the DP office for a chat with your pals at Under the Button. Grab a slice, take a seat… hell, maybe we’ll even cater some ice cream. Miss you, Liz. Love, UTB Editorial Board

PHOTO BY JESSE

DESIGN BY THE PoP

PHOTO BY ETHAN YOUNG

what I was met with shocked me far more than Liz Magill’s response to Islamophobia and antisemitism did. I saw him holding the Quran. He shared with me that he wished to revert, so he assembled a committee of Arab/Muslim students. It was his goal all along. After reciting the Shahada, he vowed to lead Penn’s and West Philly’s communities in a Friday Jummah prayer in front of College Hall.

That is how Jamal Al-Latif Jaabir restored peace to the prestigious institution that is the University of Pennsylvania. Mashallah, Note to editors: Is he ever going to form that antiArab and Islamophobia task force? No? Just the A] antisemitism one? Oh ok.

Empathy is down, and polarization is up. The center was not holding.

Why do you think the distinctly angular pattern is made up of 6 stones everywhere save for the stretch from 37th to 38th? You never noticed that, did you?

the ideals the students

Interim president J. Larry Jameson decreed this past Easter Sunday that he would ban the all-popular Adidas Sambas shoe from Penn’s campus to begin his fight against the epidemic of European fashion overtaking American campuses. As news hit Penn students, cries of despair from the windows of dorms could be heard as students began to fret over what this change would mean for them.

One student reported that as soon as the news was announced, he was forced to strip his feet bare of the wretched German Adidas Sambas and replace them with our all-American Nike Air Force Ones that haven’t been in style since 2018. He reported mentally breaking down on Locust, with no way to wear his baggy jeans so that they lightly skim the ground in a cool, unbothered manner.

“They’re never going to take these away from me,” said another student wearing low-rise jeans, a Skims top, gold hoop earrings, and a Longchamp tote bag who hails from the Upper East Side of New York City. “They’re my own little thing. They make me who I am. They aren’t going to stop me from wearing them.”

Now, as one walks through campus, the array of slightly different colored Adidas Sambas matched with slightly different shades of denim can no longer be seen. Instead, students can be seen walking dejectedly with their heads down as they clomp around in white Air Forces and skinny jeans.

Some students have begun to protest, tabling on Locust with signs that read “Demand J. Larry Jameson to return our personal freedom to wear whatever currently-in-style shoe we want.”

• All that house music from 2022 [too cunt, bacterial vaginosis, face card: 2/10]

• Triggered about parents’ divorce because of parents’ divorce

• The SPAC market

• Nepotism being on the rocks

• Losing tax exemption status due to antisemitism [fuccc I miss her]

• Mercury is always in mf retrograde

• Skirt length economic prediction in misalignment

• International student knows not what the birds have done for him

• Sneaky link only texts me in Chinese proverbs (is from NJ)

• Bitches be barking

Studies by doctoral candidates at HGU have reported that college students are not putting themselves in each other’s shoes like they used to. Gen Z students, despite being wildly invested in emotions (being emotional), are not quite thinking about feelings, neither those of others or, frankly, themselves. Lacking this seemingly human capability has been characterized by a severe shift in compassion. While we look at a population of students who sit through lectures on effective altruism or a PAVE workshop on bullying and can only really consider if their professors smoke big gas or nah. The leading researchers have identified that the empathy decrease epidemic [ED epidemic] is likely caused by a confluence of factors: Locust Walk bears the weight of an overwhelmingly caked-up faculty and thin-waisted student body day in and day out. Co-eds don their parents’ hopes and wishes, their dreams, their ex-dreams, and their ex’s dreams, all as they traipse the path between 34th and 40th. It is littered with lifeless carcasses of what were once students’ aspirations, and are now the

• Blooming flowers tell you making sense is optional internal

uphold using Penn Face ®. Locust is worn out from your Sambas, your Solomons, your Golden Gooses, yearning to breathe free.

EMPATHY EXERCISE

You are the you that you are right now

Recently defrosted in the DR (or Puerto Rico or Cancun or…)

But upon your return to campus

A sinister chill has consumed you and your peers again

It reminds you of Your Sidechat upvotes (p-ssy)

That time you gave a homeless man a cookie and told everyone*

And Your parents’ divorce

Needless to say, you are familiar

With this infective frost

Better known as Abysmally low empathy

Wow, you suck. And so do your friends

Now

Shut your eyes

You are older now, much older. No, even older than that

Trodden with worn soles

And worn souls

That stumble and curse at your flaws

You are only but an object of function to others

Your name is Locust. Low-cost.

Locust is you. What a low cost!

Locust is tired. At what cost?

Aren’t you? Low. Thrice a night, chant these last four lines to further counteract the ED epidemic. If you need more help (you do), we kindly recommend the following roleplay exercise: ask your roommate to walk on top of you with their entire shoe collection and watch them trip over your bacne. Hope this helps!

*It was the oatmeal raisin one you stole from Houston because you thought it was chocolate chip and forgot about for weeks until you wore your puffer again which had it in the pockets and you were actually on your way to throw it away.

Here is the good news: you had a super great run. The team published some great articles that my friends and I really liked. From TV and movies to feminist literature you guys cover it all — you ladies rule the zeitgeist! I can tell that there is a hardworking team of strong women behind this magazine!

And here is some more good news: I am going to be involved! I have some ideas that I would love us to bring to the forefront of our conversation. My crew and I want to take all that raw energy you guys have — that pep! — and just mold it. Does everybody love this idea?

Okay, so let’s chat, let me bounce something off of everybody in this informal, conversational space. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how important the medium is, like the significance of the vessel, and its kind of transcendent ability to create space? And

I know that art and writing are super important to all of us, but recently I really think TikTok is such a powerful voice in the discourse. Who here uses

TikTok? I know you ladies do, and I think that could be a kind of transcendent way to disseminate, to release, to kind of besprinkle our message. And I wanted to say that I just love what we’ve been doing with intersectionality. Intersectionality is my favorite! We love love love intersectionality! I’m going to be all over that, rest assured that’s going nowhere. Except in my belly cause I love it so much! Nom nom nom!

Let’s take this moment to give a round of applause to the executive board because they are a magnificent bunch of ladies, and they have guided our organization with well-natured, matronly hands this semester. My crew and I are so proud of us all for the dedication we are continuing to show this project.

Also, my consulting club has been searching for a new group to mix with, and I heard somebody express some interest before, so I can set that up as well. Who is pumped?

Faking Interest

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania

To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they may be. You’re welcome!

Dear Maya and Carey, I don’t know how to put this but my dreams appear to be coming true. At first, it was little things like dreaming that a friend had bought a blue shirt and the next day there it was. Next, I dreamt that all my teeth had fallen out and I was just gums. That was painful (and expensive). But what really scares me is that last night I had a dream that I was opening for Dua Lipa on her upcoming tour in support of her third studio album, Radical Optimism. In the dream, I even upstaged her and had the stadium begging for more. I don’t know how to pull this off, I don’t know how to play any instruments. What should I do to avoid being the opening act for Dua Lipa?

Best, Werd Lipur

Dear Werd Lipur, A friend once said to us that dreams are the gateway into your soul, guarded by the

Everyone should be able to find Iowa on a map. Actually (let me beg your pardon) everyone should live there. It’s where Field of Dreams, starring Kevin Costner (he played that one cool white guy who, like, tore down the bathroom signs in Hidden Figures, remember that?) was filmed. Did you know that? Oh, no you don’t?

Erm….

President Herbert Hoover, of American presidential fame, was born there. So was Ashton Kutcher. And…Elijah Wood, who has big, beautiful, bulbous eyes, by the way. The people in Iowa are sooooo cool dude, they’re like the Republican version of pottery lesbians on TikTok. Anyway, I can find Iowa on a map. It looks like if Colorado got a little funky with it. It looks like if I spilled milk on the counter and I left it there for a few days.

gate that is your own personal insecurities. It clearly seems to us that you are ashamed of your musical abilities and terrified at where they might lead you in life. We, as moral and responsible members of society, feel that upstaging Dua Lipa is perhaps the worst thing a person could ever do. Just like when that robot beat that human in chess – it would scare people, make them fear for the future, and wish for a return to The Good Ol’ Days. The first step towards solving this problem is for you to burn all your Brahms scores and to throw your grand piano out the window (it must fall in a way that makes that cartoon-y piano breaking sounds). We wish you luck.

Love, Maya and Carey, Fans of Clara Schumann and Board Certified Dentists

Hi Maya and Carey, I hope you guys are having a great day. Something has been weighing on my conscience and I just have to get it off my chest. The other day I was out to dinner (happy hour) and like I honestly don’t know how it happened but the restaurant had these really cute salt and pepper shakers and somehow they both ended up in my purse and then ended up in my house and now I just use them. Once again, I have no clue how it happened. Then what happened was that a friend came over and was like “those look like the salt and pepper shakers from Loco Pez” and I was all like “hahah no they

aren’t haha I wouldn’t know haha I’ve actually never been there”. So yes I did play it off really well but I’m just kinda anxious that my friend is going to report me to the authorities and I just really can’t deal with another felony conviction in my life.

Warmly, I Can’t Say Because of the Bounty on My Head

Dear I Can’t Say Because of the Bounty on My Head, We know how difficult a felony conviction can be. We advise you to pack up your most important things (iPad accessories, Victoria’s Secret gift card(s), and toe socks) and leave the country. Head straight for the Mexican border, don’t even look back. Not even once.

Love, Maya and Carey, Former MI6 Agents and Victoria’s Secret Angels

Dear Maya and Carey, I’ve recently been hyper-fixated on the idea of the difference between a national treasure and America’s sweetheart. For example, Reese Witherspoon is America’s sweetheart whereas Meryl Streep is a national treasure. Usually, the distinction is quite clear. There is one key figure that holds a bidimensionality: Rob Lowe. Where does he fit on this binary? All things good and well, Sarica Jessicah Parker

Dear Sarica, If there’s one thing we would describe ourselves as, it is people who agree with your sentiments! Similar to the discussion of actor vs. star, our nation is plagued by the lack of clarity around this subject. Household names can be a blight, a plague that inundates our milieu with banality. Names like Rob Lowe may be recognizable, but they are prone to losing their intrinsic qualities that make them true to their very core. For this reason, and a multitude more that are not worth getting into right now due to the stringent limits of print, declare Rob Lowe a secret third thing. He lacks a place within a binary, but is awarded a platform within a ternary.

Love, Maya and Carey, Advocates of the Replacement of TV Writers with Artificial Intelligence Systems and #teamaiden

Yes, I know what Iowa looks like, and I can indeed point it out for you on a map if you so kindly ask me to. Hmm, that’s interesting, you should visit this summer. Where are you this summer again? Oh… Morgan Stanley?

Where is that on the globe? Here, I will spin it and you tell me when to stop. Okay, here we go!

Wait. Morgan Stanley isn’t on the map? It’s not even a country? I thought you were going there this summer! Oh… it’s an investment bank? Oh. I never heard that before. Tell me, prithee, how many lakes are there in Morgan Stanley? Or is it more like a landlocked region kind of vibe?

Yes, you are right, there are absolutely no major bodies of water at Morgan Stanley. Oh silly me. I am mistaken. I just loveeee maps so much. I can’t stop thinking about them! I think we need to get Morgan Stanley on the map, just like how Drake put Ontario on the map, you feel me? Anyways, congratulations. I think it’s a huge deal, this Morgan Stanley thing. Maybe when you are bored there, you can come to Iowa. My friend Carson lives there.

In the wake of the third-wave feminism, homosexuality has divorced from the counterculture, depriving itself of singularity.

Now, I am not gay. Je ne suis pas homosexuelle. I just wanted to make that clear. I am woman who likes men (younger men). That makes me a heterosexual, which means I am not gay. Gay is not something that I am. Nay, I am the opposite of that, which is not gay. This is just to say that I am not gay.

But

OP-ED: YES, I’m on the Student Radio. NO, You Cannot Have Sex With Me

He sighed, stroking his hairless head with his hand much like how an amputee reaches out with their ghost arm BENJI ELKINS Purveyor of Wares I know what people are thinking when they hear me explain that my incredibly underground radio show just got

go, the tension that follows me is palpable. I am bogged down by the immense weight of your desire, and I can no longer carry this burden. It’s giving me back pain. Here’s where your little fantasy ends. You and I cannot have – ugh, gross. I’m not even allowed to say that word. You can’t just think that – Okay, wait. Just because I listen to music on vinyl and have a radio show does not mean that we can – Oh my goodness I need to take a breather.

“That’s pretty fair, given the nature of the event,” I finally speak up. “I’m not really sure why they asked me to invite them. I don’t know how the two organizations are related,” she bellows. Her eyelashes have both fallen onto her cheeks. I’m starting to have more questions than answers. This is famously not good for an interview. I’m befuddled.

OP-ED: The Dab Is Back

“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.”

I pry her a bit on what exactly Tel Aviv night will entail. “It’s hard to describe. It’s more of a feeling than a place. The drinks will be flowing. I can tell you that for free.” She chuckles. Did she come up with that? At this point, I have not been offered a drink. Then I turn to her and let out a gasp. Her wig is falling.

“Duh-duh-dum there’s no place I’d rather be,” she sings. It’s the lip sync song tonight, and she’ll be lip sync battling against a brick wall. She tells me that she reached out to Penn Against the Occupation to send a queen for the lipsync, but there was no reply.

“No, I’ve never been,” O’side says about Tel Aviv, absentmindedly. “Is that where they filmed the Lion King?”

“Do you mean the live action one? I’m confused.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she grumbles. “Tonight matters. I just need to win.”

“I don’t think you should be worried about that. Your competition isn’t that steep,” I go out on a limb. This remark was a big mistake.

“There’s no such thing as small roles, only small actors,” she yells.

I need to cut to the chase. “Do you know about the war?”

“What war? Oh haha, no baby this is a battle. A lip sync battle,” and with that Jen O’side opens the door of the women’s bathroom stall we have been crouching in for the last thirty minutes and rushes on stage.

effects? Climate change, the undermining of democracy, and even a global pandemic. Nevertheless, times have changed. Dabbing left horcruxes embedded in society and has gained the strength to rise again. After eight long years of yearning, the dab is back – and better than ever.

It’s not just an action, it’s not just a dance move, it’s a feeling. It has a limitless meaning that embodies the complexity of human existence. So in honor of it’s resurgence, here are some ways you can implement dabbing in your daily life:

Wake up, dab.

Ace your Goldman interview, dab.

Nip slip at a darty, dab.

See the guy who had his tongue down your throat walk past you on Locust, dab.

Sleep with your TA and still get a B, dab. (head was prob mid tho)

Get a tabard bid, dab

Ghost wipe, dab.

Sneak a non-water beverage in the reading room, dab.

Food poisoning, dab. #skinny

Stop at the top of the Locust bridge cause you’re out of breath, dab.

Accidentally swipe up on your ex’s sister’s thirst trap, dab.

DESIGN BY LILA MELTZER

PHOTO FROM CREATIVE COMMONS to you, he sighed and looked you straight in the eyes. “I just wanted to say I love your hair,” he said somberly. “In fact, it reminds me of my old hair.” He sighed, stroking his hairless head with his hand much like how an amputee reaches out with their ghost arm. “I used to have hair just like yours. Exactly like it. Identical. And now it’s all gone.” You were left speechless. And with that, the man walked away. What kind of sick joke is this?!

PHOTOS FROM WIKIMEDIA COMMONS, STOCKVAULT (EDITS BY NAFISA BANGURA)

Foreign Correspondence

Our UTB staff abroad describe their harrowing, educating, eye-opening, and extremely beautiful experiences spending their parents’ money in Europe MAYA KREGER, CLAIRE HAYES, MARGARITA MATTA, ANDERS AMLIE, MALLIKA TATAVARTI & DELIA RIVERA

finest budget airlines: Ryan Air, Wizz Air, and Easy Jet. Every ride with these airlines has been the ride of a lifetime. First, I get to the airport and find out which seat I have been randomly allocated to. Next, the gate staff asks me to size my bag, so I quickly put on as many layers as I can to make my bag small enough for the minuscule bag sizer. All of these layers ensure my warmth as I wait outside on the tarmac to board the plane. As I walk up the stairs in the rear of the airplane, I can’t help but turn around and smile like I am some sort of president boarding his private jet. The turbulence and delays are the cherry on top.

I have gone everywhere from the Arctic Circle to eat reindeer, to Italy to see the remnants of the Roman Empire, to Dublin to party as the Irish do. But one constant in my life while traveling has been McDonald’s. There is nothing like a 6-piece McNugget meal after midnight, or sometimes even during the daytime. But not all McDonald’s are made equal. While some are delightful, many charge extra for ketchup. Nonetheless, McDonald’s has provided me the fuel to handle life’s toughest challenges while providing the familiarity of my home, America. If you had asked me last fall if I liked McDonald’s, I would have said absolutely not, but now I would say heck yea! I call

that growth. For this, I have globalization to thank. Viva la McDonald’s. Viva la America. Viva la EasyJet!

Cheers, Claire

MARGARITA MATTA — SEVILLE

Hello to my fellow friends, family, and lovers.

Alas, tis I, Margarita! Margherita to my Italian friends, which I have many of since I am studying abroad in the great continent of Europe, or Europa to my Spanish friends which I also have many of.

As a student of the arts, I find it necessary, nay, vital, to exercise my mind, body, and spirit whilst completing my fruitful semester away. A meditation and cultivation a là Marg, if you will, which you should.

My favorite exercise is forming my itty bitty body into a variety of different shapes that I pass on my daily strolls through various places that are very expensive and important. You wouldn’t know them because they are very exclusive and the names of them are also in Spanish (also in Spain they use vosotros which you also probably didn’t know about and

skipped over in your Spanish class because you are lazy and useless).

Anyways, I hope you uncultured sheep enjoyed this small taste of my little life. I am sorry if I am being a bit aggressive, but I was asked to write this profile which has interrupted my meditating/30-minuteplank-holding/crepe-making time that I set aside for myself each day and I am feeling very upset. Also a little aroused. Anyways.

I will now close with a haiku.

I am abroad in Spain Please mail me some ranch dressing They don’t have it here

Ciao, Margarita Matta

ANDERS AMLIE — BERLIN

Hey guys. Checking in from Berlin. This city has late nights every night but they don’t call them that. It kind of looks like the concrete passageway next to Commons, to put it in terms you’ll understand. The language of German is like if a smart fridge invented a language. I miss my family so much. I do not remember their names.

MALLIKA TATAVARTI — PARIS

Hello. It’s me, Mallika, calling in from Paris (a city in France). Remember me? This is me.

Since we last talked, I have:

1. Learned to enjoy the finer things in life (picture above for reference)

2. Cultivated an inner serenity and peace (picture above for reference)

And other things like that.

I have also found joy in the numerous stores geared towards small children that offer classic items such as “sparkly heart-shaped lava lamp”

and “small surfer mouse in metal tin.” And one time, I went to the vending machine to buy a bag of gummies, and it dropped right out without me even having to pay for it. I have also had a number (1) of delicious desserts featuring buckwheat as a major ingredient, which has been an unexpected and welcome surprise. So yeah. See you soon-ish, I guess. Like my friend Margherita, I will also conclude with a haiku. Paris is a city in France that I am in I’m in you Paris

Thanks, Mallika

DELIA RIVERA — BARCELONA

Greetings from Bar-the-lona! That’s how I pronounce it now and you should too.

As a girl from LA, I feel right at home here with the beach at my fingertips, palm trees, and warm beautiful weather. I can’t complain. Every day I am more impressed by this city: the 6-Euro sandwich and coffee lunch deal, the amazing balconies all around that I wish I could SABS from, and all the cool neighborhoods to explore. I get to speak Spanish and drink fresh-squeezed orange juice like pretty much every day – who could ask for more?

Honestly, it’s been kind of perfect. Well, almost.

While I have been thoroughly enjoying myself in my new home, I’ve taken it upon myself to do some reflecting on the things I miss from the US, that I may have taken for granted.

24-hour McDonald’s – Barcelona doesn’t have any and I am crumbling under this harsh reality.

Trader Joe’s semi-prepared meals – they’re the perfect mix between fully prepared food and just ingredients so I still feel like I’m doing some cooking.

PDA etiquette – I have witnessed many a crime of the metro mack and I’ve had it.

Working in a cafe all day with your laptop and charger, taking up space super obnoxiously –enough with the “unplugging,” I want to type away with a delicious iced chai in a cute coffee shop and that’s my truth. A classic JanSport backpack – it’s Eastpak central over here and it just feels so wrong to not see

the local youths with JanSports.

There are more I just can’t think of them right now.

Well, that’s all for now. Who knew living in a different country would be so different!? Loving mi tiempo aquí – oh oops, sorry, that’s my Spanish brain creeping in. No puedo controlarlo, I promise!

Hasta luego, Delia

MAYA KREGER — PARIS

Hello from the opposite side of the world: Paris!

They don’t call it the Philadelphia of France for no reason. The Seine, the beautiful river that runs through the city, mimics the chill waters of the Schuykill each day. Oh! The food. Every corner holds a boulangerie, selling the finest sandwiches on baguettes. It’s no cheesesteak, but it’ll do nicely. The people here are just so kind my eyes are tearing up as we speak. Each time I speak in French to them, they reply in English, trying to make me feel more at home. I feel a community here.

Alas, my time here has been lovely so far, but there is one disturbing difference: a distinct lack of Max (the streaming platform formerly known as HBO Max). Sadness prevails, once again.

Miss you all and to all a good night, Maya

(March 21 – April 19)

have a chance to start a new creative project this week, dear Aries, thanks to a helpful alliance between the Aries sun and Sagittarius moon. Please for the love of all things holy, don’t take that chance. Nobody cares… Honestly don’t bother turning in whatever essay you’ve written in the past/coming days. It’s probably not good, and you would be doing whatever

that has to grade it an immense favor by simply not forcing them to grade it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Hey cutie! My PhD in Astrology is telling me you will have the best week ever, followed by the most wonderful week ever. Subsequent weeks for the rest of your lifetime on this earth and beyond will be productive, bountiful, and full of love and laughs. Post that cat video on your Instagram story (your crush will like it),

wear blue eyeliner instead of black (it will make your eyes POP), and buy a new pair of supportive running shoes (you’ll need them for all the awesome adventures you’ll be embarking on this week)! Don’t ever deny yourself any pleasures in this lifetime, the world is your oyster and is so lucky to have you! Peace and love xxx

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you were looking for any sort of sign, this is it. The stars are saying to definitely schedule that dermatologist appointment, normal dandruff is not that color. And those voices you’ve been hearing when you’re all alone at night… I know about them – because I hear them too. Lets meet up this Wednesday by the Tampons at 4pm. I have a feeling something bad is gonna happen…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22).

My ex-boyfriend is a Cancer, so no horoscope for you!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Focus on how you can improve yourself this week, Leo. We all have valid insecurities, some more than others. That being said, you should be plenty busy this week! Amidst your journey of self improvement, clarity regarding a tough situation will find you later this week. Here’s a hint:

Hope this helps!

The Modern University Presidency, Vessel of Intellectual Exploration and Discovery, Dies at 20

Invented by the first president of the University of Pennsylvania, Amy Gutmann, the modern university presidency was violently murdered in early 2024. In its early years of life, the presidency passed by mostly unnoticed, until undergoing a dramatic reconstruction with the adoption of poster child M. Elizabeth Magill. As revealed in recently unsurfaced documents, Magill emotionally violated the presidency in unspeakable ways. She then stabbed the presidency in the eye, tore out each of its fingernails individually, ripped off both of its legs, and then shanked it in the gut. Magill is still a fugitive at large.

The Long Game You Thought You Were Playing With Your Freshman Year Crush, Subject of Recent Insta-Official Relationship Reveal, Dies at 2

Any chance of a beautiful future with your freshman year hall-mate just succumbed to pleurisy of the diaphragm. Born in an age of hormonal malnutrition

services

4045 Walnut St Philadelphia, PA 19104

Dancers For Hire: can only do the Dirty Dancing lift and/or Irish Jig. want me to break up with your situationship for you? call me.

97*-4*4-*6*5

I can give your mom’s high school boyfriend’s godmother’s best friend’s granddaughter a tour of campus! Free MWF after 1:00.

Haircut! I’ll pay because I crave control.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The planets and stars that I’m reading right now are saying that you should get a smoothie. Yeah. A smoothie sounds really nice right about now. Or a cold pressed juice… Dear Virgo, Playa Bowls is right down the block, pay them a visit.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You have one job this week: Stop. Saying. Things. Are. Your. Roman. Empire. It’s annoying and super weird. You don’t actually think about the time that you shook a senior’s hand at a lunch at Louie Louie all the time. You don’t. You have a TON of other things going on. Like, so so many things.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t dress up for that themed party… Halloween in April is the one night a year where – blah blah. Just be yourself. Your costume that you think is quirky, just is not funny. And no, I don’t think they will let you into Theos dressed up as Tobias Fünke in the blue man outfit.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

For the love of God, put your Sambas away. You’re from White Plains. Also, your moon is in Jupiter… Jupiter, Florida. Because your aunt lives there. She’s bored. Call her sometime. Reach out to her. Don’t forget about the people who supported you when you were

and wide-eyed sexual interest in your peers, the long game has become infinitely shortened. In other news, scientists have just announced they have discovered a way to revive previously deceased long games, so it’s totally possible they’ll break up so it’s probably best to never get over the crush – even when you’ve been married for 15 years because that’s when scientists predict to be able to revive this possibility.

The First Amendment, Advocate of Free Speech and Guarantor of Freedoms, Dies at 231

Most notably, the First Amendment served as a key member of the operations force behind the popular social media application, TikTok. While its death is not yet confirmed, Under The Button finds it appropriate to assume the inevitable death of this amendment. The First Amendment stood for many years as a defender of objectively positive practices, like the refusal of providing contraceptive health coverage for female workers at Hobby Lobby or forbidding the federal government from outwardly discussing (unproven claims of) “climate change.”

announcements

I’m excited to announce my commitment to the Wharton Business School in 2025! I’m stepping into the position of sitting outside Pret all day, guessing who got in as a legacy, and Sidechatting about inter-fraternity drama. Thank you to everyone who has helped me get to this point — can’t wait for a great semester!

Looking for a relationship! Circumcised!!

this isn’t really an announcement but i haven’t gotten my period in a really long time and it’s just stressing me out. i have an iud so i feel like it should be ne but i’m really worried. just had to get that off my chest.

nothing (not taking a class that you had to put in a permission request for so that you could take the class).

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This most certainly ain’t Texas but, alas, new week, new you. Definitely buy that 12-pack of Soul Cycle classes. I can guarantee that you will not get tired of hearing Nicki Minaj’s ‘Va Va Voom’ while cycling on a stationary bike in a dark room.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why… because you left it out. Don’t be careless this week. Use your brain. Maybe show up to your class where attendance is mandatory. Instead of sleeping in… You went to ZBT date night, not Berghain.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The most beautiful people with the most radiant and shining souls are Pisces. A wise man once said, “Pisces are angels on earth” and that probably was the most factually correct and true thing I have ever heard. You will have an amazing week! He will break no contact. Your sister will win the lottery. Your apartment will be super clean. You will get all A’s in your assignments. Your skin will glow. Your morning skinny will last all day and all night. You will sell all the things you have listed on The RealReal. And, did you do something new to your hair? You look amazing.

Platform Shoes, Thickly-Soled Feet Garments, Die [Age Unknown]

An aspect of various fashions for much of human history, I recently murdered platform shoes with my bare hands. WAIT I mean… platform shoes moved to a farm upstate where there’s a lot of nice space to run around. Platform shoes deserved this because I am taller than everyone else and if you’re wearing platform shoes it means you don’t respect my height (read: power over you). Suck it up and allow yourself to be short (powerless).

Class of 1968 Wharton Graduate (W ‘68), 1968 Graduate of the Wharton Business School, Dies at 77.

An unnamed member of the 1968 graduating class at the Wharton Business School passed peacefully at the hands of an enraged third wife at his home in New York, NY this past weekend. A stalwart champion of many various causes, this Wharton graduate was a household name. He did lots of things throughout his life, including graduating from the

Wharton Business School. One of the University’s most well-known alumni, this alum of the University died recently.

The Royal Family, Historically Divisive, Dies at Nearly 1,200 Last month, the Royal Family drowned in a pool of their own lies. One of the most potent examples of this rampant lying is Edward VIII’s 1936 abdication of the throne to marry some bitch from the US. Charles and Camilla’s affair, of course. Diana’s explosive interview and following murder by the paparazzi. Finally, Harry and Meghan’s “Megxit”. Anywho, this had been coming for a long time.

My Friend’s Tonsils, Grossly Inflamed, Die at 21 In a tragic loss, my friend’s tonsils were removed from their life source upon being identified as a threat to wellness at the University of Pennsylvania Student Health Services office. Shucks!

housing

LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE: Vacancy available immediately in Gregory double. Looking for someone to be the second pea of my pod. I am an ancient history studies major and linguistics minor and ideally looking to join Th*t*, but happy with T*b*rd as well. I love to go out but am always down for a chill night in! Interests include shing, horseback riding, knitting, and spending time with my cats (I am even bringing one of my fur babies to school next year)!

ROOM FOR LET: My room will be available on the night of Thursday, April 11th, because I am going to a date night and plan on sleeping over at my date’s house because I’m gonna get really drunk and I know she will be too and let’s just be honest it’s gonna happen. Rates are exible!

overheards

“I don’t know whether to pref her or to scheme her”

“You need some more meat on your bones. Wanna go to El Taco tonight?”

“She’s like… underground… but like… kinda cool”

“A horse is a horse, of course of course” lost and found

Pink heart underwear, size medium, nearmint condition (cheeky style)

Strapless bra, nude 34B — last seen in an unspeakable room

The last hair tie I ever owned

Travel size vagisil cream

My dignity

My pride

My self-esteem

missed connection

To my professor who saw me on a walk of shame out of the Quad: it’s not what you think it was. I was getting a chicken bowl for breakfast!

Older genius I saw on Locust. You know who you are. I was the girl in the fedora. you were walking around 38th and walnut wearing a long tweed coat and suspenders. i didn’t notice that at rst because you were about 8 feet tall. i tried to get your attention but i think i was too close to the ground. don’t want to seem to forward, but please get in touch with me if you are the 8 foot man. i have an in with a certain

you have a very

DOUBLE PAYING? Oh, that’s sweet. I quadpay. Harnwell for weekday afternoons, The Chestnut for those in-between times, Domus for a weekend getaway, and my off-campus fraternity’s home on Walnut for post-darty. Just wanted to let you all know. If anyone is looking for a sublet, I’m not interested but good luck!

We Meshed the Faces of Every Brother in a Jewish Fraternity Together. This is What We Got.

Short King Spring