March 31, 2014

THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSIT Y OF PENNSYLVANIA

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014

Fling concert to be held in Irvine SPEC decided to relocate the concert over concerns for David Guetta’s security

BY JODY FREINKEL and JILL CASTELLANO Folks Editor & DPS BFF

If you want to Fling on Franklin Field, you might want to petition the Social Planning and Events Committee to bring back Girl Talk.

Due to security concerns, David Guetta will be performing the Spring Fling concert in Irvine Auditorium. Students who purchased floor tickets after winning them in last week’s lottery will be refunded, and a new lottery will open Tuesday to distribute tickets for seats in Irvine.

SPEC Concerts’ Co-Chair Ben Jones, a College senior, said SPEC leaders decided to relocate the concert — including the opening acts by bands Magic Man and Ra Ra Riot — from Franklin Field to Irvine after reviewing security requirements in Guetta’s contract.

“Originally, we thought we could accommodate our contractual obligations and still host [Guetta] at Franklin Field,” Jones said. “But following the security measures required to host such a high-profile artist would be considerably simpler in a more controlled environment, so we ultimately chose to relocate the concert.”

Measures required by Guetta’s contract include metal detectors for all attendees and pat-downs for any attendee deemed “suspicious” by security staff. Metal detectors will be stationed at the entrance to Irvine, and a staff of around 50 security guards will monitor the concert, in addition to the usual measures taken by Penn Police in past years.

The capacity of Irvine Auditorium will also restrict the number of students able to attend the concert.

The auditorium seats only 1,260 students — approximately the same number of students who normally hold floor passes for Franklin Field concerts. Around 1,100 floor tickets were sold in 2012 when Tiesto headlined the Spring Fling concert.

Jones said that SPEC considered replacing the headliner rather than relocatSEE IRVINE PAGE 5

Squatters discovered at Gutmann’s campus home

BY FOLA ONIFADE Twenty minute embargo Three students were found running a business inside of President Amy Gutmann’s house.

An investigative team at the Department of Public Safety discovered students squatting in the President’s House located on 38th and Walnut streets. Two Wharton students and an M&T student were evacuated from the house and transferred to Hill College House on Sunday evening.

Wharton junior and squatter Patrice Garden, who was found squatting on Gutmann’s golden throne, said that the lack of available on-campus housing pushed her and her friends to live in Gutmann’s home. “The housing system sucks and we waited too long to get good off-campus housing,” she said.

“We all know the rumors that the President doesn’t live there, so we figured we could get away with it.”

The other squatters, M&T senior Conrad Conley and Wharton sophomore Diana Gonzales, saw squatting as a perfect business opportunity. “We decided to put our business skills to good use. Instead of leaving the house empty, we set up headquarters here for our SEE GUTMANN PAGE 8

Jenny Lu [Sports Design] (626) 320-2362

online at thedp.com

U. cancels Reading Days Citing an excessive number of snow days, Penn will replace Reading Days with extra class

BY BRENDA WANG The DP Hipster?

Reading Days have been cut to make up for the canceled classes due to snow this semester, Provost Vincent Price said in a statement in Penn News

Today.

Instead of being able to catch up on Game of Thrones, students will now have to attend classes on May 1 and 2. However, because the number of class days lost outnumber the number of reading days, students will

have to attend two days worth of class each day. For some students, this might mean over 24 hours of class per day.

“This is literally impossible,” Eduardo K im, a dual dualdegree student in M&T and Huntsman, said. “Even if I skip

recitation I’ll still have to break the time barrier to get to all my classes.”

Price also warned that if the rainy weather continues, the University may cancel class due to flooding. “And you know what that means,” Price said.

■

Documents reveal U. bid to purchase Drexel Proposed merger blocked by federal government, citing antitrust laws

Graphic by Nathaniel Chan and Alex Liao/Star-crossed Lovers

BY WILLIAM MARBLE Tech-Savvy Reporter Newly uncovered documents show the University offered to purchase Drexel University in November, but the offer was dropped when the Antitrust Division of the U.S. Department of Justice threatened to block the proposed merger.

The Daily Pennsylvanian obtained 300 pages of documents from a former Facilities and Estate Services employee, who was fired after Shake Shack announced it would be building a location on Drexel’s campus and not Penn’s. The documents include emails,

letters and text messages among Penn and Drexel administrators.

David Cohen, the chairman of Penn’s Board of Trustees and the executive vice president of Comcast, sent a letter on Nov. 22 to Drexel President John Fry offering $2 billion dollars for the neighboring university.

“A merger of our institutions would be mutually beneficial, allowing us to pool our significant resources and strengthen the community in University City and Philadelphia,” the letter read. “The vitality of the city depends on ‘eds and meds’ like our universities.”

“P.S. A merger would give us easy access to Shake Shack, too. We’ll pay top dollar for that alone,” the letter ended.

In a response, Fry — who was formerly Penn’s executive vice president — sent an email to Cohen: “I think we can work something out,” also indicating that Drexel would be willing to accept access to the Penn Vet Working Dogs Center in exchange for a lesser price.

When rumors of the deal surfaced, however, the Justice Department sent

SEE DREXEL PAGE 2

Dueling Tampons to be repainted white

BY LAURA ANTHONY Caliente … nympho Penn is getting some up grades. Period.

The iconic statue on High Rise Field known as The Tampons will be repainted white over the summer, the first in a new campus design evaluation initiative called Transforming School Style.

TSS is a new partnership between with Penn Design’s architecture program and Facilities & Real Estate Services to come up with innovative ideas for campus-wide design renovations.

“We want to break the cycle of design ruts on campus, and TSS is the best way for Penn to absorb all of the creativity and expertise that our students and employees have to offer,“ University Architect and codirector of TSS David Hollenberg said.

T welfth-year architecture student Tammy Paxton proposed the idea of repainting The

Nathaniel “Wrecking Ball” Chan/Associate Photo Editor

Tampons white in order to give the west end of campus a fresh, clean feeling.

“Red is a messy color, often associated with pain for many people, and we want to make

Add her on Instagram @jennaayylu

sure that students, faculty and employees have 360 degree comfort in terms of the design and aesthetic value of Penn’s campus,” she said.

But FRES has expressed con-

cerns about the logistical details of the upcoming paint job.

“I’m just worried that some of the color from the original paint might bleed through, so we will have to be extremely cautious when selecting the right brand and style of paint to make sure that it’s the right fit,” said Guy Ceauxteks, founding managing director for paint maintenance for FRES. TSS will officially kick off in the fall, when Penn Design and FRES will perform monthly evaluations of Penn’s overall aesthetic quality.

“We will be closely collaborating with the artists whose work is represented on campus to ensure that these changes won’t cramp their style,” TSS co-director and executive director of design and construction management for FRES Michael Dausch said.

Hollenberg said he is ext r emely h appy t o see t h i s program get off the ground, SEE TAMPONS PAGE 9

But actually ...

NE WS

PAGE 2 MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Olive Garden opens on campus

Carbs on carbs on carbs on carbs on carbs on carbs

BY LAUREN FEINER Carbs Carbs Carbs Carbs Carbs There’s a new fraternity coming to Locust Walk — and it promises endless breadsticks and pasta.

Omega Gamma, more commonly known as “Olive Garden,” will be colonizing in Fall 2014. Its main chapter house will be located at 3539 Locust, formerly the Phi Kappa Sigma — commonly

referred to as Skulls — house.

“We are looking for pledges who are committed to our core values,” College junior and OG President Vinni DiMaggio said.

“Most fraternities are committed to bottomless kegs. We are committed to bottomless pasta bowls.”

Scott Reikofski, the director of the Office of Sorority and Fraternity Life, was particularly excited about OG’s addition to campus.

“With the endless carbs available at Olive Garden, we expect the number of students who are

MERTed to decrease significantly,” he said.

“I’ll never have to satisfy my drunchies with Allegro’s again!”

College freshman Alexa Carmichal said.

Some students were wary of the organization’s notoriously bottomless meals and drinks.

“Portion control is a serious issue,” April Green, a Wharton junior and member of the Urban Nutrition Initiative said. “Olive Garden will turn the freshman 15 into the freshman 50.”

DiMaggio argues the endless

nature of their servings is indicative of members’ tight bonds.

“Fraternity life is about brotherhood,” he said. “And brotherhood is forever. Just like our breadsticks.”

Beyond the brotherhood, OG plans to incorporate inspirations from the Olive Garden menu into its social events. You won’t find any jungle juice at the OG house.

DiMaggio anticipates their most popular cocktails will include the “Shrimp Scampi,” “Alfredo White Wine,” and the “Cucina Mia,” in which guests may customize

Whistleblower reveals SPEC data gathering has gone too far

BY SAM BYERS Lumberjack SPEC is spying on you. That’s why they got the Fling headliner right this year.

The “SPEC-Reconnaissance” subcommittee was created last year with the task of collecting information about students’ online lives and habits from numerous sources, documents provided to the Daily Pennsylvanian show.

The group targeted publicly available information on online student forums, such as Twitter, CollegiateACB, Penn Admirers and official and unofficial class Facebook pages, in order to compile a database of each student’s music and pop-culture preferences.

SPEC created the subcommittee in response to complaints over last year’s Spring Fling headliner, Girl Talk. Trying to avoid another letdown for this year’s Fling, SPEC turned to data mining to discover the most lusted-after artists on campus while avoiding students rigging its selection process.

The new student government agency was created by a unanimous vote of the Undergraduate Assembly last April in a closed door meeting.

But according to documents, released by “Edward,” one of several computer science students consulted by the 10-member committee overseeing the project, the primary mandates of SPEC-Reconnaissance and the database have shifted.

“The idea became that we would gather a list of all the ‘bad apples’ on campus — students who have violated the code of conduct, were part of unsavory or undesirable organizations or who SPEC members just had a bad feeling about — and use the database to identify their friends and classmates who might also be dangerous,” said Edward, who wished to remain anonymous because he didn’t pick up his Fling floor passes yet.

Since it’s inception, SPEC-Reconnaissance’s data gathering expedition has expanded far beyond its original scope. Instead of just knowing students’ top songs on Spotify, the group began to look into all types of data at Penn. It even knew that three students were squatting at Penn President Amy Gutmann’s house before Penn Police did.

Over time, however, committee members began consulting student data for more and more frivolous things. “The UA amended the com-

mittee’s charter to allow them to operate without oversight from the rest of SPEC,” Edward said. Instead they started reporting directly to UA President Abe Sutton, who reportedly rubber-stamped approval for any SPEC-Reconnaissance requests to come across his desk.

Sutton did not return multiple phone calls and email requests for interviews regarding SPECReconnaissance or Penn Security Appendix — the official name for the database of student information, known internally as PennSA. “We have to ask ourselves if it’s worth the [student] government spying on us if this is what it’s being used for,” Edward said.

When asked why he decided to blow the whistle on stud gov’s surveillance project, Edward said, “I was snowed in during one of the blizzards back in February when I got an email from the SPEC-Reconnaissance listserv asking to help analyze a new crop of data including grades and advisors’ personal evaluations of students.”

“That was where I drew the line — I realized that our student government was no longer working for freedom, but instead had become an instrument of tyranny,” said Edward, “They’re drunk on power.”

their experience by taking a shot of any three drink “courses” for only $9.99.

“We found that many fraternal organizations were failing to reach their breadstick quota,” Reikofski said. “We hope that the addition of the Omega Gamma fraternity will fill this hole on campus.”

Reikofski also hopes that the organization will be a home to pasta-loving students who have yet to find their niche at Penn.

“When you’re here, you’re family,” DiMaggio added.

CAPTION THIS PHOTO

Jenny “why don’t you have a middle name” Lu/Staff Writer

Join us in our first ever Photo Feature Caption Contest by sending your captions to jokes@theDP.com for this photo of Provost Price at the ARCH.

Cohen: Penn and Drexel don’t compete DREXEL from page 1 a letter to Cohen and Fry, saying that a merger would constitute a violation of antitrust laws. The letter noted that the two universities together would make up over 30 percent of the market share of college students in Philadelphia.

Cohen called the merger “a lot less scary, a lot less large and a lot less complicated than some people would like to make it.” He noted that Penn and Drexel do not compete for students in a single ZIP code in the United States. He could not provide evidence to support this claim.

“Any time there is any consolidation in the higher education space, the sky is going to fall, the world is going to end as we know it, the Internet is going to end as we know it,” Cohen said. ” But advocates for higher education affordability decried the failed deal, saying it would have given Penn an effective monopoly — leading to lower quality education and tuition even higher than it already is.

“Penn already gouges its students with its tuition of over $60,000 a year,” College Affordability Matters President Anna Gorman said. “If it had merged with Drexel, students who want to study in beautiful West Philadelphia would have had to pay hundreds of thousands a year.”

Community activist George Freeman said the offer is just another example of Penn attempting to gentrify the neighborhood, pushing out longtime residents to build amenities for “rich Penn kids.”

“Thank god this deal didn’t go through,” Freeman, who lives just north of Drexel said.

“Six blocks of separation between me and Penn students is my limit.”

129 has-been Sarah Smith contributed reporting.

Ben Franklin doesn’t usually

PRESENTS

CHOOSING CIVIC ENGAGEMENT: Costs, Benefits, and Strategies for Contributing to the Public Good A Lecture by Mark Patterson, strategist, lawyer, and former Chief of Staff at the U.S. Treasury.

Monday, March 31, 4:30 PM Jon M Huntsman Hall Room 350

Scan the QR code to register or visit: www.publicpolicy.wharton.upenn.edu

Get DOWN But when he does, it’s at: a) Cuba Libre b) Dolphin Tavern c) Trestle Inn d) Smoke’s e) Club Pulse

YOU DECIDE. Cast your votes at theDP.com/bestofpenn Polling ends 4.6.14

Best of PENN

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014 PAGE 3

THE DOUBLE PENETRATION

PAGE 5EVA WEEPING

Clickbait

DP: 130, readers: 0

VOL. GODDAMNIT, NO. ARE WE DONE YET?

JIM KHAN | Guys, we still publish a paper

The Independent Student Newspaper of the University of Pennsylvania

T

he Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of wh ich a not her chapter has been written today.

Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody.

Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool’s Day, the issue was moved to Washington’s birthday in 1962. Through a series of haphazard and random events, the DP has settled on a time loosely referred to as “sometime in March or April, or whenever we remember to commemorate the crusading DP editors of days gone by.”

So how did this strange tradition begin? The DP was then led by the now celebrated Melvin Goldstein. “Magnificent Melvin,” as the flamboyant editor-in-chief was called, decided to liberate the traditional all-male newspaper by adding a few women to the staff. Not to be outdone, the rival Pennsylvania News — a weekly published by female undergraduates — decided that it, too, would go co-ed and invited men to join the paper.

The women got more than they bargained for. The very

130th Year of #DPFRIDAYS

LUKE CHEN, “Are You J-BOI????”

TAYLOR CULLIVER, Doesn’t Believe In Office Hook-Ups AMANDA SUAREZ, Fuckitol JENNIFER YU, Finally Legal LOIS LEE, Asian Airhead

FIONA GLISSON, 4 UA Prez HARRY COOPERMAN, Maureen Rush’s Gay Best Friend JODY FREINKEL, Wrong Side of the Board WILLIAM MARBLE, Sarah’s Bitch GENESIS NUNEZ, Struggling Through Life MATT MANTICA, Sexually Frustrated YOLANDA CHEN, Didn’t Ask For This Job MICHELE OZER, Still On Board CONNIE KANG, Jailbait

STEVEN TYDINGS, Big Tits’ Bitch RILEY STEELE, Turtlenecks for Days IAN WENIK, Patrick Star HAILEY EDELSTEIN, Homewrecker ANALYN DELOS SANTOS, Getting Lei’d VIVIAN LEE, Resting Bitch Face JENNY LU, The Other One JENNIFER KIM, Who are you?

STEPHANIE PARK, The Video Producer We Actually See

GIANNI MASCIOLI, Are You Single?

CHANTAL GARCIA FISCHER, Um? ERIC PARRISH, Puked In Jen Sun’s Bathroom

SELMA BELGHITI, Moroccan Airhead KATHERINE CHANG, Go Home

#13NO SARAH SMITH, Cracking the Whip JENNY LU, Will Never Reciprocate

STEVEN JAFFE, Still On That 128 Grind ;) ZOE GOLDBERG, Permanent Bitch Face

CORRECTION Last week, the DP published an editorial endorsing two UA candidates. The DP regrets the error.

next day, Feb. 22, Magnificent Melvin and his staff produced their own Pennsylvania News, mocking the News’ frivolous style.

But Melvin didn’t stop there.

He unsheathed his verbal axe and proceeded to chop down the student government, too. In those days, the Men’s Student Government (the sexes were separated there as well) was run by two rival political parties, the Union and the Red and the Blue, both coalitions of fraternities. But that year, a new political entity held the balance of power. The members of this third party, the United Christian Front Student Anarchism League, had been elected on the promise that they would disrupt student government.

The DP thought the time was ripe for just that sort of thing.

Thus, the Feb. 22 issue carried the banner headline “Men’s Gov’t Verges on Collapse; Anarchists Trigger Bitter International Clash.” Not one to go halfway, the next morning Melvin ran a front-page editorial urging the University to “abolish all student government.”

All this piqued the student politicos, so they held a special Saturday meeting and suspended funds for the campus rag, charging that Melvin’s

News parody was “libelous, vulgar and, in general, an insult to the intellect and morals of the University.” Actually, the bluest thing in the issue was an announcement that the College for Women-sponsored “ceremony in honor of the first buds of spring” would be “consummated on Monday on the lawn.”

With the support of the Dean of Men — who was also the victim of a few scathing editorials — the DP for Monday, Feb. 26, which was then printed on Friday night, was confiscated and burned. (Since then, the DP has always printed its Monday editions on Sunday nights.)

The student government also staged a rally protesting “irresponsible journalism.”

The suspension made headlines up and down the East Coast and was mentioned in London’s The Observer. Meanwhile, special editions of The Harvard Crimson and The Columbia Daily Spectator were flown in to fill the journalistic void.

Finally, on March 2, 1962, freedom of the press was restored and the DP was allowed to publish — minus Melvin, who was put on academic probation and prohibited from participating in any extracurricular activities.

Undaunted by the loss of their leader, however, the staffers printed a note at the top of

the March 2 issue that read: “As we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted” and proceeded to publish “Part II” of the editorial blasting Men’s Student Government. (An interesting note: The person who took over as editor-in-chief after Melvin’s suspension was Michael Brown, the 1986 Nobel Prize winner in Medicine and Commencement speaker 11 years ago.)

Ever since the memorable Melvin incident, DP editors male and female have followed Melvin’s example and produced a DP gag issue each year. The results have often been memorable.

One year, an associate dean in the College called up the provost to ask why he had not been told that the University had been kicked out of the Ivy League.

Another February, an article disclosing that the University was really a “mafia shield” caused a Philadelphia Evening Bulletin editor to “damn near run to the telephone to give somebody hell for missing a story like that.”

Thus, the current editors, recalling Magnificent Melvin and his clashes with the forces of evil, present Joke Issue 2014, partly in fun, partly in jest — and partly to remind everyone who really runs things around here.

YOUR VOICE

D

Dear Amy, we need to talk

ear Amy G., The other day, I woke up to find 4 voicemails and 3 emails from you asking me to perform at Spring Fling.

As much as the idea of being surrounded by intoxicated masses of horny, intoxicated, rolling teenagers appealed to me, I feel compelled to explain my apprehension in this letter.

I was happy to speak at the College graduation five years ago. I was a little unnerved when you requested that I call you ‘Amy G.’ instead of

T

he Undergraduate Assembly is beyond repair.

It would make little difference if the Interfraternity Council were able to mount a takeover of the failing student government, or if there were a sudden increase in interest during this week’s UA election. The undergraduates of this UNIVERSITY do not and should not respect a political body which wields little power.

The UA has squandered its authority and responsibility to the student activities council and the nominations and elections committee. In this quest for a balance of power, the UA surrendered the most important tools needed to represent effectively. The UA is no longer a viable medium for political change and discourse on this campus. It is also an embarrassment to all undergraduates who attend our Ivy League University.

The average student prob-

‘President Gutmann’ or even just ‘Amy,’ but I soon accepted it as one of those quirks that comes with making 2 million dollars a year to spend on spa treatments and hair dye.

I was okay with coming back to Penn for your dismally named “Time to Shine” celebration and sitting through rehearsal after rehearsal of that terrible song. I was even okay when you cut me off from singing my Grammynominated song “Ordinary People” at the concert for said terrible song. I felt a little uneasy committing to be Penn’s Commencement

speaker (wasn’t speaking at the 2009 basket-weaving ceremony good enough?), but I accepted anyway, understanding that you must be in a really dire situation.

But this has gone too far.

Amy, I think it’s time for you to take me off speed dial. What would your husband think? I’m not into you.

I thought of saying this last time you called me up to sing me your rendition of “All of Me,” but this has to stop.

Also, please stop threatening to launch bioethical investigations into my wife. I don’t even know what that means.

To be honest, I don’t even like your school that much.

I am tired of Penn. I’m tired

‘‘

Amy, I think it’s time for you to take me off your speed dial.”

of telling these students year after year that they are the best and the brightest and

destined for great futures. If they were really the best and brightest, they would have figured out years ago that we’ve been saying the same thing since I came to Penn as a bright-eyed, honey-voiced 15-year-old and that you say the same thing to every class at Convocation. They’re not the best and the brightest.

They might not even have bright futures, especially not after spending 60,000 dollars a year to learn how to BS their way through the “arts and letters” requirement in expensive suits.

I understand that you’re

committed to diversity here, but if you ask the same black guy to come year after year, is that really so diverse?

The bottom line is that I can’t keep leaving home and coming to Penn — more importantly, I don’t want to.

I mean, have you seen my wife? My time would be much better spent in bed with her.

After all, if there’s anything that my repeated visits to Penn have taught me, it’s that the world could really use some more beautiful people.

Yours (but not like that), The Legend

Editorial | Abolish the UA ably knows little ,if anything, about the UA , and even if they do, they show no indication that they care. At Sunday’s UA Candidate press conference, fewer than 10 obser vers attended. Even UA chairman Keith Wasserstrom missed the event.

D o you r e me mb e r t he name of last year’s UA Chairman? The chairman from two years ago? Can you name two UA subcommittees, or more importantly what they accomplished?

Whether it’s student apathy or UA ineffectiveness, our current student government has a reputation that hinders its ability to act. The administration does not take it ser iously. UA members coward from fighting tuition increases, probably the most impor tant issue af fecting underg raduates, because members knew the trustees do not respect them enough to listen.

Anything less than a complete restructuring to the UA

would be futile and the time has come to end the futility. *

‘‘

Anything less than a complete restructuring to the UA would be futile and the time has come to end the futility.

The creation of a new student government will be no simple task and will require students to take the f irst step. We would have hoped that the UA would realize its ineptitude. But denial is one of its only traditions. The onus is on undergraduates to initiate this overhaul.

In order to abolish the UA, 20 0 undergraduates must call for a referendum and 15 percent of the student body must then participate.

We are asking you to sign a statement back ing such a vote. Clip out and complete the petition below and send it through intramural mail to: NEC Chairman, UA/NEC Office Houston Hall, Intramural Code 6306.

O nc e t he UA i s v ot e d down, the undergraduates could send about creating a new student government.

At a convention open to all undergraduates, students

could present ideas and possible structures for the new government. The Daily Pennsylvanian or some multi-interest group could publicize the proposals and present them to student body for consideration. Eventually, the students should have the final say in their form of representation.

The plan is far-reaching and will require the energy of many people but to start

YOUR VOICE

CONTACT

HAVE YOUR OWN OPINION? Write us! The DP encourages guest submissions from the Penn community. Submissions can be up to 700 words long. The DP reserves the right to edit for accuracy, clarity, grammar and DP style. The DP does not guarantee publication of any submission. Send submissions to Opinion Editor Jennifer Yu at yu@thedp.com or 4015 Walnut St.

By mail or in-person:

By phone:

4015 Walnut St. Philadelphia, PA 19104 Monday-Friday, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

News/Editorial: (215) 898-6585 Advertising: (215) 898-6581 Fax: (215) 898-2050

it take sone letter. Everyone, especially the DP, has criticized the Undergraduate Assembly. Now, it is time to go further. Help us make undergraduates a more important force on campus.

T hi s e dit o r i al i s f ro m a 1989 issue of The Daily Pennsylvanian. It’s good t o k n o w h o w mu c h h a s changed since.

The DP wants to ensure that all content is accurate and to be transparent about any inaccuracies. If you have a comment or question about the fairness or accuracy of any content in the print or online editions, please email corrections@thedp.com.

NE WS

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

BY CLAIRE COHEN E. L. James Protege Think the Power Down Challenge was a blast? Well, get ready to explode with the next great Penn tradition: the Get It Up Challenge, sponsored by the Office of Recreational Gatherings and Sexual Management.

The Get It Up Challenge is a competition between college houses to decide once and for all who has the most sex. The rules are simple — starting at noon Monday, the college house that has the most sex by 12 p.m. on Monday, April 6, will win the newly coveted golden condom trophy.

“Acts of oral sex are given half a point, vaginal earns one, anal adds two and handies don’t count — we’re not in middle school,” the University said in a statement about the challenge.

All sexual acts must be posted on Instagram or Vine with the hashtag “get it up” in order to be verified by ORGASM. Participants can only earn two points per sexual partner and all sexual acts must be consensual.

“Grab a pack of your favorite rubbers — or go raw dog — and get all up inside the student body’s new favorite tradition,” ORGASM Director Anita Head, a 1969 College graduate, said.

The house that has the most sex by the end of the week will also win free coupons to Pleasure Chest in Center City and one lap dance per house mem-

1 2 3 4 5

5

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO

v

Admins want students ready to “get it up” by noon today

TO P

University to students: cum together DON‛T BE STUCK UP

We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed

LAYER FOR THE WEATHER

Keep your clothes on if you need to make it a quickie

SWITCH TO PERFORMANCE ENHANCERS Refuse to use inefficient ejaculators

REFUSE TO REST

See how long and hard you can go

HIT THE STRIP CLUB

Use strip clubs or porn for inspiration

Penn

ORGASM

HELP YOUR BUILDING GET IT UP TAKE THE GET IT P CHALLENGE MARCH 31st - APRIL 6th Graphic not by Analyn Delos Santos but really Claire Cohen

ber — paid for through Penn’s impressively sized endowment — at the Atlantis Strip Club, located under the Chili’s at 38th and Walnut streets.

“You know our endowment is big — now we want to see yours,” the University’s statement read.

Students are titillated to begin competing in the challenge.

“I live in the nipple — physically and spiritually — so I am beyond ready to lead my house to victory,” College freshman and Fisher Hassenfeld resident Richard McCokiner said.

Commencement Announcement All graduating students may pick up announcement cards from their schools beginning Monday, March 31st.

Students in the College of Arts and Sciences may pick up their announcement cards Monday, March 31st - Friday, April 4th 2 - 4 pm College Office - Cohen Hall You must bring your Penn I.D. Limit: 8 announcement cards and envelopes per student.

These cards are for mailing to family and friends as announcements only. Tickets are not required for admission to the Commencement ceremony on May 19th.

Office of the University Secretary

A wise choice... find out why.

Kindergarten to Grade 8

Montessori Program 2 to 5 Year Olds

Visit Us Today!

Minutes from West Philadelphia and public transit

HolyChildAcademy.com | 610-259-2712 475 Shadeland Avenue, Drexel Hill, PA 19026

Students living off campus, however, are dismayed that they can’t participate in the challenge.

“I have been doing kegel exercises on a regular basis for the last five months, and now it’s all for nothing,” Wharton senior Emily Goldbloom said. “This is more of a let down than my first time.”

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014 PAGE 5

IRVINE from page 1 ing the Fling concert. He said that he went as far as contacting John Legend and drafting a new contract for Legend to headline Fling in place of Guetta.

However, Jones decided to solicit input from all members of SPEC Concerts. The entire staff of the committee deliberated together before the final decision was made.

Jones attributed the quick turnaround time in getting Legend to agree to perform to Penn President Amy Gutmann’s close personal friendship with the singer. Legend will be this year’s Commencement speaker and performed at the Time to Shine celebration event in Penn Park in 2013.

SPEC rejected its backup plan in favor of retaining a less nepotistic headliner. “In the end, we concluded that students would rather have David Guetta in Irvine than John Legend on Franklin Field,” Jones said.

SPEC is planning to offer a live stream of the concert for students who cannot attend in person due to the capacity restrictions. University officials said that they are working to clear space from the university-wide server so that no student gets a 404 error or encounters other difficulties in accessing the live stream.

The University’s server has been known to crash during high volume times, like when regular decision admissions decisions are released. SPEC expects the traffic to be about as heavy as on regular decision admissions day, which sees about 30,000 people log-

Alex “70s Old Biscuit” Liao/Staff Photographer

ging onto Penn’s server at once.

Jones said he is disappointed to see his term as co-chair end in a way he knows will upset students. “After last year, we really wanted to put

together a concert that would have popular support with the student body,” he said. “I’m still hoping that the students who can attend in person at Irvine will have a really great Fling experience.”

PAGE 6 MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Because looking fabulous never goes out of style.

34 STREET Magazine’s th

FASHION GUIDE inside the DP this Wednesday

Featuring three local clothing stores: Greene Street Consignment Piper Boutique South Moon Under

NE WS

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014 PAGE 7

U. establishes Committee^3 Are Committees on committees productive, U asks.

BY BOOKYUNG JO PENNGUINEERING REPORTER Starting next academic ye a r, t he Com m it t ee on Committees on Committees will oversee the new mental health committee, as well as several student government committees.

The Nominations and Elections Committee and the University Council currently have Committees on Committees to regulate their committees.

The NEC runs elections for undergraduate student government, and the University Council makes recommendations on University life to the Trustees of the University.

Currently, the Senate Ex-

ecutive Committee oversees the Faculty Senate, which represents full-time teaching faculty at the University.

The three chairs have regular meetings with the President and the Provost to communicate issues raised among the faculty. Separately, the Undergraduate Assembly’s committees represent issues in undergraduate student life.

“The Committee on Committees on Committees will serve as a point of contact where the President, faculty and students can come together,” Dwight Jaggard, Faculty Senate chair, said.

“Moreover, the new committee will make the job easier for President Gutmann now that she only needs to talk with one committee.”

The Undergraduate Assembly also expressed its support for the new committee.

“This committee puts Undergraduate Student Government at the same level with the faculty,” Abe Sutton, the President of Undergraduate Assembly, said.

The Committee on Committees on Committees will carry out annual investigations on the subord inate committees to make sure the NEC’s Committee on Committees and the University Council’s Committee on Committees are functioning properly in monitoring their subordinate committees.

President Gutmann herself will inspect the Committee on Committees on Committees biannually, as well.

The chair of the new committee is yet to be decided.

The President and the Provost are expecting to announce the appointment within a couple of weeks.

It’s the Po Po, y’all

“We’re currently looking for a chair who will be comprehensive enough to understand the intricate structure of the committee,” Gutmann said.

With the establishment of the Committee on Comm it t e e s o f C o m m it t e e s , Undergraduate Student Government intends to promote and expand the Nominations and Elections Committee as an equivalent to the Senate Executive Committee.

“Student committees need a stronger overarching overseer that enhances communication between the new committee and the existing student committees,” Sutton said.

“Some raise questions as to the efficiency of the new committee,” Jaggard said. “But seriously, the Committee on Committees on Committees will take care of the University as a whole.”

BY COSETTE GASTELU Delta Pi Sigma Sorority Sister Burglary: March 25, 2014: An affiliated 64-year-old female reported at 10 a.m. that unknown persons gained entry to an office in College Hall at some point during the night. A Tupperware container labeled, “STASH FROM DESSERT RECEPTION,” a life-sized John Legend poster and eight well-tailored red-and-blue skirt suits were reportedly removed from the office.

Harassment: March 26, 2014: An affiliated 19-year-old male reported at about 1:45 a.m. that he was approached on the 3700 block of Spruce Street by three unknown females carrying iPads and miscellaneous campaign paraphernalia. The male stated that the unknown females demanded that he give them his vote in the up-

coming Undergraduate Assembly elections. Suspects fled when police arrived at the scene.

Fraud: March 23, 2014: An unaffiliated 38-year-old female reported at about 5 p.m. that two eateries located on the 3700 block of Spruce Street were stealing the identity of her food truck. The female, proprietor of the “The Original Real Le Anh,” stated that two other food trucks had been passing themselves off as the one true Le Anh for months. Upon arrival at the scene, police declined to make any arrests but did order several servings of fried rice.

Treason: March 23, 2014: An affiliated 20-year-old male was arrested by Penn Police at about 3:15 a.m. on the 4000 block of Chestnut Street after being observed wearing an

SEE JUSTICE PAGE 8

Live music & Tuesday Quizzo.

Come on by!

Select appetizers $5

Drink specials @ Quizzo

with photo of this ad

with photo of this ad

3131 Walnut Street | 215-883-0965

BRAND NEW Student Apartments!

Enjoy a furnished apartment featuring granite kitchens with all appliances, custom private bathrooms, hardwood floors, Flat Screen TVs in family rooms, alarm systems, front door monitors, & fire sprinkler systems.

With a FITNESS CENTER & STUDY ROOM!

FREE SHUTTLE SERVICE

to and from campus every 45 minutes!

38th & Hamilton: 3BR, 3BTH – $2,000.00 | 3BR, 2BTH – $1,950.00

.

38th & Spring Garden: 3BR, 3BTH – $1,895.00

Limited Availability. Call today!

855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com

PAGE 8 MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014

Suitemates hook up; unsure if it’s a ‘thing’

Hallmates say hookup was a long time coming; situation ‘awkward’

BY ALEX GETSOS Skype Edit Two freshmen in the third floor Green Suite of Hill College house are bringing a whole new meaning to the term “hallcest.”

Jen Greenblatt has grown very close to her freshman hall since the beginning of the year, but tensions have began to run high after she hooked up with fellow suitemate Jed Hutcherson Saturday night.

“Ever since we hooked up, I’m extremely unclear as to where we stand,” Greenblatt said. “We were all so close and now it’s awkward every time either of us walks in to join the group in the common room.”

Greenblatt has not only been obsessively stalking Hutcherson’s Facebook and T witter

pages, but also has asked all his friends what he’s said about her.

“I see him posing with a girl on Facebook and I get so freaked out because I start to wonder who she is,” Greenblatt said. “I always ask everybody if they know her and whether he’s been talking about me, but they claim he hasn’t mentioned anything.”

Hutcherson recently had a girlfriend come visit from Colorado last weekend. According to friends close to Hutcherson, they decided to go on a break.

“I’d been dating her for two years and I think we need to try other people in college,” Hutcherson said.

Hutcherson noticed that after hooking up with Greenblatt, he got increasingly more Snapchats of her posing with various guy friends of hers.

“She’s sent me at least five a day since Saturday night,” Hutcherson said. “I’ve gotten so many that she’s already bumped herself up to my top three Snap-

BE IN HAVANA BY GRADUATION Brunch ★ Lunch ★ Dinner ★ Latin Floorshows

NE WS

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

JUMP from page 1

chat friends.”

Greenblatt said that she’s wants to try and get his attention so that they can define what they are. She also said that she doesn’t like being so unclear about whether or not they’re “together.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m the jealous type, but I’d like to know if we’re exclusive or whether he’s hooking up with all these girls I constantly see him with,” Greenblatt said.

Friends from the hall noted that there was always sexual tension between Greenblatt and Hutcherson ever since meeting during NSO in August.

“We all thought they were going to hook up a long time ago, so we were surprised they lasted until March — since he didn’t last that long Saturday night,” College freshman Alfy Reems said.

It is still unclear whether Greenblatt and Hutcherson are exclusive because they haven’t discussed it or gone on any official dates.

According to a good friend of Greenblatt, the two are going to a basketball game and dinner with Hutcherson’s parents Friday.

“We’ll see how it goes,” Hutcherson said. “I don’t think I’m trying to jump into another relationship right away, but I definitely like her a lot.”

JUSTICE from page 7 orange and black hooded sweatshirt with the phrase “Go Princeton Tigers” printed on the front.

new app called Find-A-Home,” Conley said. “I came up with the idea while taking a squat on Gutmann’s golden throne.

That shit is actually made of gold.”

The squatters did not sign up for meal plans because they found the leftover food from Gutmann’s many parties to be sufficient. They also made use of the President’s state of the art kitchen. “We found a soda machine, several bottles of tequila and like a hundred coupons to the Philly Pretzel Factory,” Gonzales said. “We were living well.”

While shocked, Gutmann marveled at the ingenuity of the students. “At Penn, we take pride in having the best and brightest students taught by the best faculty,” she said.

“I’m impressed by their ability to think outside the box, but I wish they would have left my tequila. ” She announced on her Twitter account that she would immediately hire four Allied Barton security staff members to survey the house 24 hours a day. The Allied Barton staff would be accompanied by a squatter-sniffing dog named Officer Shoes. The accuracy rates of Officer Shoes have yet to be determined.

The students were discovered through the creation of a new University-sponsored committee that was created without Gutmann’s knowledge.

Provost Vincent Price announced earlier in the semester, through a clandestine Twitter account, the creation

ficer Socks, was dispatched to the scene and later found the area to be clear of all explosives.

Pedestrian Traffic Violation: March 25, 2014: At about 11:50 p.m. police received a call about Bomb threat: March 29, 2014: At about 5:15 an alleged noise violation on the p.m. an affiliated 20-year-old fe- 3400 block of Walnut Street After male on the 3900 block of Spruce following the fleeting sound of the Street was overheard stating to a theme song from “The Red and friend that an affiliated 21-year- the Blue,” police found the susa large group of affiliated old male was “blowingWISDOM up” her pects, TEETH RESEARCH phone. A bomb-sniffing dog, Of- males and females between the DO YOUR TEETH NEED REMOVAL? VOLUNTEER FOR BONE AND TEETH RESEARCH

CELEBRATE YOUR GRADUATION WITH CLASSIC & MODERN CUBAN CUISINE BY JAMES BEARD AWARD-WINNING

CHEF GUILLERMO PERNOT

Yolanda Chen/News Photo Editor

Three students moved into President Amy Gutmann’s unoccupied house after a lack of on-campus housing left them homeless. of the Committee on Everything Without a Committee, better known as THE Committee by the few who were familiar with its purpose.

The creation of THE Committee pushed the development of the Provost’s Initiative for New Initiatives, which funds itself through money raised from Gutmann’s own initiatives. The Provost’s Initiative for New Initiatives called for a DPS inspection of the President’s House.

“I myself have always had doubts as to whether the President lived there,” Provost Price said. “I don’t want to partake in campus rumors, but have you ever seen her leaving the house in the morning? I didn’t think so.”

In regards to THE Commit-

ages of 18 and 21 carrying a variety of musical instruments. As they approached, police observed the suspects illegally crossing the intersection of 34th and Walnut Streets and issued members of the group tickets for jaywalking.

Theft: Theft from building: 5 Retail theft: 2 Bike theft: 3 Rollerblade theft: #90sKidProblems

tee created without her approval, Gutmann announced a new deanship position. The Dean of Committees will be charged with identifying all committees related to the University and their purposes.

While the search for the new dean is currently in effect, Gutmann has decided to take an alternative approach in the creating a search team.

Instead, she will have the Undergraduate Assembly lead the search.

“I have faith in the students of the UA to find good dean recommendations. They all work well together and stick to their goals,” Gutmann said.

One UA member confirmed that Kevin Spacey was one of the top recommendations for the Dean of Committees.

Auto theft: 1 Theft from auto: 2 Grand Theft Auto: IV Other theft: 4 Purse snatch: Sexist?* *Holla if you carry a man-bag Arrests from theft: March 29, 2014: An affiliated 23-year-old male was observed sprinting through the security checkpoint at Van Pelt Library,

SEE JUSTICE PAGE 9

WISDOM TEETH RESEARCH Moderate stipends available

Special Graduation Packages Available Contact Hannah Yoffa, Sales Director for more information HYoffa@CubaLibreRestaurant.com | 215.627.0666

Eligibility: Male or female in good health

DO YOUR TEETH NEED REMOVAL? Contact 215-746-2395 Department of Oral Medicine VOLUNTEER FOR BONE AND TEETH RESEARCH

Eligibility: Male or female in good health

with most of these insurances:

ER

EC O

S

FREE

Department of Oral Medicine

GLASSES or CONTACT LENSES

EN T

Nominee

Contact 215-746-2395

THE

www.CubaLibreRestaurant.com Old City | 10 S. 2nd Street | Philadelphia

Moderate stipends available

ND MILE C

TH RIFT STORE

Clothing, appliances, books, furniture, household items, and more!

Monday–Saturday 10AM–8PM

214 South 45th Street (Between Locust & Walnut) 215.662.1663

To donate, call 215.662.1663

www.TheSecondMileCenter.com

2 $ 79 2 $ 129

Co-pays may be applied • Now accepting Bravo Health

CIAL PRICES FOR PRADA PENN STUDENTS Lens Options per pair Pairs Eye Exam Standardof Polycarbonate................................$40 GUCCI SPECIAL PRICES FOR PENN STUDENTS Lens Options per pair mprehensive Eye Exam......................... $42 Standard Plastic SOptions FOR PENN STUDENTS Glasses Lens Options per pair Scratch Coating..................$15 per pair Eye Exam Standard Polycarbonate................................$40 ndard Contact Lens Fit Lens & Follow-up.......$40 NN STUDENTS UV Treatment.................................................$15 Options per pair Eye Exam......................... $42 from RAY BAN Standard Polycarbonate................................$40 Polycarbonate................................$40 Comprehensive Standard Plastic Scratch Coating..................$15 Frames or Gradient Tint.....................................$15 Exam......................... $42 Polycarbonate................................$40 Standard Standard PlasticSolid Scratch Coating..................$15 Plastic Scratch Coating..................$15

Standard Contact Lens Fit & Follow-up.......$40 Includes: UV price Treatment.................................................$15 ............... $42 %ment.................................................$15 offFit retail price Photochromic.........................20% off retail ns & Follow-up.......$40 Standard Plastic Scratch Coating..................$15 Frames, VERSACE UV Treatment.................................................$15 Frames Solid or Gradient Tint.....................................$15 Lenses, ow-up.......$40 Standard Anti-Reflective Coating...................$45 Lenses per pair UV Treatment.................................................$15 and Complete Solid40% or Gradient Tint.....................................$15 Gradient Tint.....................................$15 off retail price Photochromic.........................20% off retail price Eye Exam and Service.... 20% off retail price Other Add-On le Vision.................................................$40 SolidACUVUE or Tint.....................................$15 Photochromic.........................20% off retail price omic.........................20% offGradient retail price Standard Anti-Reflective Coating...................$45 Cannot be combined with insurance Lenses per cal...........................................................$60 Contact Photochromic.........................20% offpair retail Lenses price Standard Anti-Reflective Coating...................$45 Anti-Reflective Coating...................$45 pair Other Add-On and Service.... 20% off retail price Single Vision.................................................$40 dard Progressive...................................$120 Conventional.........................15% Anti-Reflective Coating...................$45 DOLCE Standard &20% GABBANA Other Add-On and Service.... 20% off retail price off retail price d-On and Service.... off retail price ....................................$40 Bifocal...........................................................$60 Lenses mium Progressive.............20% off and retail price Lenses Disposable..............................5% off retail Contact price Other Add-On Service....

20% off retail price .................$40 Boxes .....................................$60 Contact act Lenses Standard Progressive...................................$120 Conventional.........................15% off retail price .................$60KENNETH Contact Lenses of Disposable e...................................$120 Conventional.........................15% off retail priceprice onal.........................15% offCOLE retail price Premium Progressive.............20% off retail Disposable..............................5% off retail price ContactoffLenses .................$120 Conventional.........................15% retail price e.............20% off retail price Disposable..............................5% off retail price le..............................5% off retail price BAUSCH & LOMB % off retail price Disposable..............................5% off retail price from TOM FORD NOW OFFERING SUNGLASSES

Includes: Contact Lens Fitting, 2 Boxes of Contacts, Solution, Cannot be combined with insurance Eye Exam

• •

1325 Market Street ....................... 267.514.4393 3853 Aramingo Avenue .................. 215.288.3333 Dr. Jeffery Gold - Previously Sunrise Optical

4002 Chestnut Street ..................... 215.921.4871 1925 Chestnut Street ..................... 215.854.0441

• • • • • • •

City Workers SEPTA employees VBA NVA Blue Cross Blue Shield Americhoice F.O.P. Aetna

• • • • • • • •

March Vision Care United Healthcare Community Plan Davis Vision Keystone East Keystone Mercy Bravo Health Health Partners All University of Penn Workers

apply now for summer & fall Housing - save $50 Flexible short and long-term leases apartments • eFFiciencies • single rooms • private rooms Mention thi s ad and save $ 50 apply in person: international house philadelphia 3 701 chestnut street or online at www.ihousephilly.org

NE WS

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Frat house sinks into ground; frat dog unharmed FRES officials say sinking was due to lack of maintenance

BY YUEQI YANG Students on Campus…

The Delta Pi fraternity chapter house at 4015 Walnut St. sunk into the ground 12 feet below the street last night. Officials at Facilities & Real Estate Services believed that the rain from the weekend caused the disaster.

Water that bubbled from the basement has covered the surface of the frat house. Cracks had snaked across the walls.

The house is still visibly sinking slowly.

All 32 brothers had relocated to the Pottruck Gym for Sunday evening, after receiving an evacuation warning from the Division of Public Safety. Penn Police secured DP last night after 2 a.m. No one was allowed to take personal belongings from the house, in case a sudden

JUSTICE from page 8 located at 3420 Walnut Street, failing to complete a mandatory bag check. Upon exit, the suspect

complete collapse of the house occurred.

“I was watching TV in the house, and I felt that [it] started to slowly sink into the ground.

I was kinda freaked out, but I thought it was just me,” said Jim Locke, a Wharton sophomore and DP brother.

“The frat dog jumped into the basement and I thought he would crawl back out, but I haven’t seen him since then,” Lock added.

After consulting with other brothers, who also claimed to have felt a sinking feeling, they exited the building immediately and dialed 911.

Officials at the FRES believed that the lack of repair and maintenance has made the house vulnerable to heavy rain in the recent week.

“I have never seen something like this in my career. It’s beyond our capacity to repair,” said FRES official Vince Sharpe. “It’s a tragedy, really.”

The disaster raised question

on the lack of maintenance of fraternity houses on campus in general. Some other fraternity houses on Spruce and Walnut streets have been placed under surveillance.

In the past two months, seven fraternity houses and one sorority house have filed repair reports. Issues include moaning toilets, overflowing laundry machines and mice breaking bottles of alcoholic drinks.

The University plans to install detectors and cameras in Greek houses to combat overcrowded parties, illegal alcohol consumption, loud music playing and unprotected sex. This announcement follows the Daily Pennsylvanian’s discovery of the existence of SPEC-Reconnaissance, which spies on students’ music tastes.

The 32 DP brothers will live in Eminent Commander Taylor Culliver’s Rodin apartment for the remainder of the week. They do not yet have alternative house options after the week.

mounted a bicycle in order to evade the pursuit of cycle-unit officers, resulting in a low-speed chase. The chase lasted until the suspect reached the 4000 block of

Market Street, where he was apprehended and issued a citation after being found in possession of 14 library books that had not been checked out.

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014 PAGE 9

A RACE TO END ALL RACES

Nathaniel “Big Blue Ball” Chan/Associate Photo Editor

On Saturday MERT and University Police participated in a 15 hour long competition to see who could really get to the drunk kids first. The competition included races around the Quad, a timed 9-1-1 dialing contest and many other tests of skill.

‘Heavy flow’ of updates planned for U. TAMPONS from page 1 especially after the launch of TSS was delayed for a few months due to unresolved

logistical discussions and months of planning and negotiations.

“It can be a bit ner vewracking when these kind of things are late, but we’re all relieved that it’s finally here,” he said of the new initiative.

“We recognize that this is an emotional issue, and putting this program together has created headache and

fatigue for many of us, but we expect that to subside one to two days after the project beg i ns,” Dausch added.

Hollenberg looks forward to the changes to The Tampons and said that the Penn community can expect a “heavy flow of exciting architectural design updates and changes in the coming years.”

Join Us For All The Madness!

We’ll have the games on at our main bar 3/16 - 4/7

Open 7 days a week!

Visit our University City location!

11:30am - 10:00pm

3420 Sansom Street Philadelphia, PA 215.386.9224

Late Menu until 11pm Monday - Saturday

Open for Brunch at 10:00am Saturday & Sunday

Proudly serving the Penn Community since 1983

Drink Specials at the Bar

Monday - Friday 3:00pm - 7:00pm

visit www.whitedog.com for more info | follow us on

@white_dog_cafe

Ben Franklin doesn’t usually

EAT BAGELS But when he does, it’s at: a) Capogiro b) Metro c) Schmear It d) Spread e) Koch’s Deli f) HubBub

YOU DECIDE.

MOOCS4D April 10–11, 2014

International House 3701 Chestnut Street

Thursday Friday Challenges for MOOCs Advent of MOOCs MOOCs & International Development Future Directions Pre-­‐Registration Required: www.gse.upenn.edu/moocs4d info@moocs4d.org *Massive Online Open Courseware for Development evelopment @MOOCS4D

Cast your votes at theDP.com/bestofpenn Polling ends 4.6.14

Best of PENN

SP OR TS

PAGE 10 MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Out-of-shape kids get crunk at the Pot-truck STILL MORE FANS THAN THE WNBA | Shirtless team cannot be tamed in blowouts

BY HUGH JAY NAUGHTS Really shouldn’t be a big deal Call it what it was — an utter devastation.

In one of the most epic beatdowns ever administered on the less-than-hallowed halls of the second floor of the David S. Pottruck Health and Fitness Center, the Shirtless Wheezing, Out of Shape Guys took care of business on the Other Wheezing, Out of Shape Guys in a best-of-three contest, 110, 11-1.

It seemed like the series wasn’t even going to get off the ground in the first place.

Before breaking themselves off into teams of shirts and skins, the combined group of wheezing, out of shape guys cowered under the near basket of Court 3, afraid to ask when the Rec League game going on at the time would finish.

After the Rec Leaguers left, further delays popped up when an argument ensued over who would be “shirts� and who would be “skins,� leaving egos bruised and feelings hurt. “I just ... I just have a lot of issues taking my shirt off in public around people,� shirts point guard Charles Falcon said. “There were some bad times in summer camp after

Sudoku now priority over basketball MAHONEY from page 12 who is going to stop all these rats? I really hope Mike gets us out of here. “I know Mike was used to being in the middle of nowhere from his time at Dartmouth, but the basement of Weightman is a real struggle.�

Dor man could not be reached for comment at print time as he was preparing for whenever Penn has its next men’s soccer NCAA Tournament game.

Mahoney has worked directly with women’s soccer, men’s basketball and men’s lacrosse as well as women’s rowing and golf. Men’s basketball coach Jerome Allen was excited by

seventh grade. “Luckily, some of the other guys resolved the problem while I f illed up my water bottle.�

Once the ball was checked, though, everything was resolved on the court.

In game one, the skins took control quickly, led by the play of junior point guard, Usuqqa Maddiq.

Despite standing 6-foot-4, a solid three inches taller than anyone else on the court, Maddiq preferred to run the team, spotting up for threes with two hands in his face and ignoring calls for the ball from his wideopen teammates.

But he made the shirts pay — eventually.

Why do we have this photo?

After airballing his first seven attempts, Maddiq banged in One of the most hallowed arenas in sports, the David S. Pottruck Health and Fitness three in a row while pulling out Center hosted an excellent basketball contest of exquisite nature on Sunday. every celebration in the book, from “three goggles� to the less pick and roll plays, but Maddiq inadvertently shot on D-Generation X crotch chop. neither player could properly his own basket, the onslaught “I’m one of the baddest roll to the basket. continued, leaving one set of ballers of all time,� Maddiq As a result, the shirts strug- shirtless, wheezing, out of said. “I’m one of the best gled to find decent shots from shape guys gasping for air, shooters, one of the best-look- the floor, as Falcon refused to and the other smiling while ing Penn students you’ve ever drive the wide-open lane that also gasping for air. seen.� sat in front of him after several “We just — gasp — didn’t On the other end of the pump fakes sent defenders have — gasp — the energy out court, things didn’t get much flying. there tonight,� Falcon said. “I better for the shirts. “I’m just a germaphobe,� need — gasp — my inhaler.

Wheezing and out of shape, Falcon said. “Me get sweaty? And a smoothie.� the shirts seemed unprepared No way.�

Watching the proceedings to run distances farther than After a Maddiq layup — and with great intensity was Penn the walk to the communal obscene gesture — finished basketball coach Jerome Albathrooms in their respective off game one, things didn’t len, who is eager to solidify halls and were never able to get much better in the second his 2014-15 walk-on class after get into their offensive sets. session. an 8-20 campaign this season.

Falcon and forward Taylor Though the shirts managed “That Charles Falcon kid, Cooperman attempted count- to gain a one-point lead when he made plays,� Allen said.

knew the ins and outs of Penn Athletics,� Price said. “M. Grace Calhoun simply couldn’t wrap her head around Penn’s many sports in the same way as Mr. Mahoney.�

Calhoun, who was boarding a plane to get out of Philadelphia forever, praised the hire of Mahoney. “I couldn’t have hand-picked a better successor,� Calhoun said. “There are few people that have the Sudoku prowess that Mike possesses, and it will certainly come in handy as the head of Penn Athletics.�

At his introductory press con fer ence , M a honey ad d r e sse d i ssue s i nvolv i ng Pen n’s men’s ba sket ba l l , which has struggled to the tune of a 17-42 record the past two seasons under Allen. “No comment,� Mahoney said simply.

As of press time, Mahoney’s only act so far as athletic director has been the completion of a tough Sudoku puzzle.

the hiring. “I tip my hat to the search committee,� Allen said. “Becoming an athletic director is a function of determination and effort, and Mike has displayed that. “That being said, it isn’t necessarily my job to praise him.�

With Calhoun leaving quickly, Penn needed to scramble to put together another advisory committee to find another new athletic director. After the last search did not pan out, Penn men’s soccer coach Rudy Fuller was named as the chair of the new committee.

The committee, in conjunction with Daniel Parker of Parker Executive Search who was hired as a consultant, neglected to receive applications and instead reached out to candidates. Mahoney said that he “threw his hat in the ring,� expecting to get rejected and go back to his office in Weightman. “We needed someone who

Classifiedads FOR RENT

FOR RENT

4043 SANSOM TOWNHOUSE. 5BR, 3BTH, hard‑ wood floors, newer kitchen, baths, base‑ ment, storage, W/D. $3,750/month, includes water. 215‑280‑5512.

Allen has generated rivals

44TH & SPRUCE. Large, newly renovated bi‑level 4BR apartment. Available 6/1.

Laundry hookups, 2BTH, parking, large bed‑ rooms. $1,600/month.

Please call 215‑704‑7036.

DOUBLE THE ALLEN from page 12 Penn Athletics with a viable candidate with the qualifications to serve as an assistant coach. “I’m really happy to return my roots as an assistant coach,� Allen said. “Nothing makes me happier than serving this program, and though I’m going to continue leading this team as its head coach, I’m certainly comfortable serving as an assistant as well.�

Allen’s decision to serve as both assistant and head coach is an unprecedented one. Never before in the history of any Penn sport has any person served in more than one position on the same

Carolyn Lim/Mil Nylorac

After his fourth season as Penn basketball head coach and countless “House of Cards�-like activities, Jerome Allen has hired himself as his own assistants.

2014

BECOMES PENN'S ATHLETIC DIRECTOR REPLACING M. GRACE CALHOUN

2005

1999 1993

HIRED AS PENN'S DIRECTOR OF ATHLETIC COMMUNICATIONS

HIRED AT NORTHWESTERN AS ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR FOR ATHLETIC MEDIA SERVICES

BEGINS SIX-YEAR TERM AS SPORTS INFORMATION DIRECTOR FOR DARTMOUTH

SERVED AS A PUBLIC COMMUNICATIONS INTERN FOR THE IVY LEAGUE

1992

BEGAN UNDERGRADUATE EDUCATION AT THE ONLY UNIVERSITY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE NOT NAMED THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW HAMPSHIRE

1988

(215) 898-6581

www.theDP.com/classifieds

FOR RENT

HELP WANTED

SPACIOUS BEDROOM IN beautiful townhouse. May‑ August. $800, negotiable.

Contact House of Osage for details, 323‑899‑7229. Fall semester also available.

For breaking news & sports updates anytime, visit theDP.com!

SUDOKUPUZZLE Skill Level: Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9.

Š Puzzles provided by sudokusolver.com

Solution to Previous Puzzle:

For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 For Release Monday, March 31, 2014 For Release Saturday, March 29, Registration for2014 2014 summer housing is now open.

Hospitality Services

Apply online now at destinationpenn.com

NEWYORKTIMESCROSSWORDPUZZLE Edited by Will Shortz

Visit pennlets.com today!

6 1 2 7 8 7 2 1 3 1 7 8 2 3 2 8 9 7 5 1 5 8 6 7 6 1 9 5 3 8 2 1

LIVE AT PENN!

Are you a current undergrad or graduate student?

Taking summer session courses? sponsored by The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation Interning in Philadelphia?

The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018 620For Eighth Avenue,Call: New York, N.Y. 10018 If you answered yes to any, look no further!

Information 1-800-972-3550

Dining • Conference Services • Summer Housing

Find a subletter — posting is free!

8 9 5

THENEWYORKTIMES CROSSWORDPUZZLE

EARN MONEY AND gain valuable experience selling advertising for The Daily Pennsylvanian’s print and In‑ ternet products. Positions available now and for the fall 2014 semester.

Email Katherine Chang, Advertis‑ ing Manager, at chang@theDP.com to set up an interview.

SUBLET WITH PENNLETS

coaching bench. Until now, that is.

Still, as Allen’s power continues to grow within University athletic circles, he has generated rivals from other sports.

It was even rumored at one point that former baseball coach John Cole believed Allen rose to the position of head coach in an unbefitting manner. When Cole confronted Allen, Allen allegedly dug up a controversial editorial authored by Cole when he was a college student.

Nevertheless, as Allen assumes Pera’s former responsibilities, there’s no telling if he plans to stop his ascension anytime soon. “I’m not satisfied with just being the head coach,� Allen said. “And I won’t be satisfied with two positions either.

We’re slowly building our way up from the bottom to the top of the Ivy League, and I plan to be along for the entire ride in every way.�

Crossword rossword C 61 Chemical

36 Lucy of “Charlie’s 32 Grp. with2000 the Angels,�

Iraq 39 Office Authorofwho Analysis created the 33 Art that uses characters curse namedwords? by the starts of 17-, 37 Volt-ampere 24-, 4938 Takes theand plunge 61-Across 39 Peak 42 transmission Ensign’s org. old?

43 setting Spittin’ of ___ 41 with 44 Declines, Actor MacLeod “out� of old TV 42 apart outing 45 Fall Romantic 44 47 Score Havingabbr. sides of 45 First name of different Woodstock’s lengths, as alast performer triangle 46 second?

49 Split Maryland home ofinthe 47 Golden, Walter Reed Granada medical centerfor 49 Hit with skits, 53 short Mrs., in Marseille 51 Get off the drive, 54 say Newswoman Logan 55 No-gooder 55 2012 Three-time A.L. 57 baseball batting Kinsler All-Star champion Tony 59 Some plans for 57 the Not future, bright briefly 60 60 Rackets Smart ___ whip

ANSWER PUZZLE ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE AT PR SI EO SS

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FREE.

Play Sudoku and win prizes

at:

prizesudoku.com

The Sudoku Source of

ACROSS ACROSS 1 Knocked off Ones who 61 Parsley bit think things are good 11 German auto as gold? known by its 11 manufacturer’s Like metals used by 1-Across initials 15 Online Fearedpublication sight on 14 the Spanish Main 15 Maine university 16 town Obama’s favorite character 16 Vote for on “The Wire�

17 Isn’t serious 17 Like some 19 Hosp. areas parents for lifesaving 18 operations Big long-distance carrier?

20 Suffix with lemon 19 or Coastal fish orange consumers 21 Pick up the tab 20 for Much may someone followitem it of 22 News 21 passing Composer of the concern? opera “Rusalka�

23 Compete 23 Computer Deal with 24 25 memory People might unit pass for them, 27 Weapons depot for short 31 French girlfriend 27 High line in the 32 Cheech’s partner Middle East in 1970s-’80s 28 movies Small cell 30 Writer Brand ___ of body 33 washes St. Johns Rogers

“Daily Pennsylvanian�.

LR IE TN RE EE

CA RB AI D N EE

H M AA YG SI T AJ B L AC CA B R G I SO K OC PR TE SS AH RE RD D R C DR EE O O ER BI AN D S T R A D O SE M O P NT EE M T DO RA ES W

EP TR O A P C O O A M K SI C J A O D G A

M E T A H L L A E M G I E C I P E G K A E W S D

CI S Y C H L O O T T R A O T N O S M S R E R D H O O

S A H O L O W D E O A G R T M HI S N I R C IA B M

T B RI O M W S D L OI G M M E A TL AI S H TT SI

S P E G E E D R A B C O T O U K P E D N

SB PO AS R O S M

PA M E D NE I DR V EE UI LC Y S C W UA H S OI M N O N N D SO EE SE M E R M A A HI OR K I O A N G E A ES D H SA N RA ET ER

OS NA C M EA M R OI RT EA N

TE HR EI RK ES SA AT I E

BS AA SL EM SI

AE NS KS LE EX

61 High spirits?in compound “poppers�

64 Land capturer, in 64literature Nov. follower 65 65“Bummer�

Centuries-old 66 Tied object 67 66Whip Roof wielder overhangs 67 Antlered animal DOWN 68 Justice Kagan 1 Vaulted areas 69 Considers 2 Tall order at a British pub DOWN 3 Big picker-upper?

1 ___ vu Monet 4 Frequent 2subjects Sport shirt brand 5 Projection in the 3air, It holds back the for short water in Holland 6 Kind of bust Suffix 74“___ a with man in serpent Reno� (“Folsom 5Prison Place to lay an Blues� egg lyric) 86Well-trained Peeved maybe 7boxer, Like some 9 Punk rocker televised Armstrong tourneys with a 82012 What Grammy a travel 10 Reached 100, planner plans 9say Quaint lodging 11 to one’s 10Near The Almighty heart 11 1957 Everly 12 First drink ever Brothers hit ordered with theby repeated James Bond lyric “Hello 13 Do-gooder loneliness�

14 12Composer Deserve called “gymnopĂŠdisteâ€?

13aTrash 22 Woe, in Yiddish 18 Kind of rug or 24 Symbols of might code 26 22Scuzz Geisha’s sash 29 Facebook 23 “___, vidi, vici� connections in 25Florence?

Black-tie party 26 United, as 31 Start sputtering, corporations or say labor unions 33 Aid in fast 27networking Rights org.

28One Greek R’s 34 getting 29messages Film scoreby mouth?

30word Dalaiof___

No.0222 0224 No.

Edited by Will Shortz 1

1

2

2

3

3

4

4

5

5

6

7

14 15

7

9

8

9 10

10

21 23

23

28

32 33 34

29

28

21 25

29

30 33 36

35

39 38

24

43 45

44

34

50

25

27

11

13

12

14

13

16 19 22

22

26

31 31

32

35

36

37

39

42

37

38

41

40

44

43

46 45

47 4648 4951

48

54 55

26

30

40

42 41

12

18

20

24

11 16

18

20 19

49 47

8

15

17 17

27

6

56

52 50

55 57

53 51

52

56 58

60 60

61 6162 62

64 64

65 65

66

67 66

68 67

69

53

57

59

54

58

59

63

63

PUZZLE BIRNHOLZ PUZZLEBY BYEVAN ADAM G. PERL

34Site ___of the 1992 35 HammarskjĂśld, Republican former U.N. National secretary Convention general

40Weapon Iowa State’s 40 in “The home Mikado�

41 Racer 43 Telejournalist’s Yarborough item 46Part “I’ve it!�a 45 ofgot many 36 small (and 35Very Hurricane 48training The year 906 regimen very important) centers 49Plant Bit of 48 in grass matter Artist’s stand 37 “Put ___ writing!� 50subsequent 51seasons Holmes’s creator 37 38Like ___ some Reader 52 Tuckered out missed field 50 “Swing Shift� (alternative goals nominee magazine) 56Oscar Ancient Peruvian

from a 5257 In Action the back springboard 53 Game stew 5458 Locale Thingof London Stansted Airport 5659 “Good ___ Pigsty A’mighty!â€? “What the 5861 Side in an___ Indian chances?â€? restaurant 62 Certain sorority 62 Singer TormĂŠ chapter 6363 Tapping grp. “Norma ___â€?

Annual best of of Sunday Annualsubscriptions subscriptionsare areavailable availableforforthe the best Sunday crosswords crosswordsfrom fromthe thelast last5050years: years:1-888-7-ACROSS. 1-888-7-ACROSS. AT&T users: Text NYTX to 386 to download puzzles, or or visit AT&T users: Text NYTX to 386 to download puzzles, visit nytimes.com/mobilexword nytimes.com/mobilexwordforformore moreinformation. information.

Online subscriptions: Today’s puzzle and more than 2,000 past Online subscriptions: Today’s puzzle and more than 2,000 past puzzles, aa year). puzzles,nytimes.com/crosswords nytimes.com/crosswords($39.95 ($39.95 year).

Share Sharetips: tips:nytimes.com/wordplay. nytimes.com/wordplay.

Crosswords Crosswordsfor foryoung youngsolvers: solvers:nytimes.com/learning/xwords. nytimes.com/learning/xwords.

SP OR TS

THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

Calhoun felt threatened by all the ‘Ms’ SERIOUSLY from page 12 new head coach for the men’s basketball team, how to stop baseball and softball games from getting rained out and how to install air conditioners at the Palestra.

But after informing the audience at her introductor y press conference that she intended to spend a considerable amount of time with each Penn team, Calhoun came to realize that notion would be a challenge.

“I really would’ve loved to get to k now all the teams, players and coaches Penn has to offer,” Calhoun said. “But I didn’t know how hard that would be.

“Seriously, have you ever tried to find Meiklejohn Stadium? It’d be a miracle to find time to make that hike and get to know the damn baseball team.”

It appears that Calhoun also ran into some trouble with one of the Red and Blue’s most promising head coaches during her six days on the job.

News outlets reported over the weekend that Calhoun attempted to fire Penn women’s basketball head coach Mike McLaughlin.

C a l hou n a c k no w le d ge d those claims in an interview late Sunday.

“There’s only room for so many M’s in this town,” Calhoun said. “I ultimately felt that Mike and I couldn’t coexist.

“You’re next [Penn swimming coach] Mike Schnur.”

It appears that Calhoun’s not on l y pl a n ne d t o f i r e McLaughlin, but also sought to replace him behind the

bench with current freshman center Sydney Stipanovich.

Whether or not Stipanovich would have Bill Russell-ed her way through the 2014-15 season is unclear.

Ultimately, Calhoun decided to search for a player from a non-revenue sport to hire as a McLaughlin’s replacement, in the hopes that a non-unionized athlete would be cheaper.

Though Calhoun’s plans seem outrageous a nd her time as A D was short, her resignation brings with it considerable sadness from the University’s administration.

“For days now, M. Grace Calhoun has lived and loved Penn Athletics, and the University has been incomparably the better for it,” Gutmann said in a press release. “The continuing success of so many of our teams and our studentathlete alumni during her time speaks volumes to what M. has achieved in her days at Penn.”

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014 PAGE 11

Beardless former hero Ragone walks on as a freshman QB

Ellen Frierson/Senior Has-Been

Freshman quarterback William Rogaine is trying to walk on to Penn football. The 23-year-old freshman has held his own at spring practices, which led to coach Al Bagnoli saying that Rogaine ‘was surprising similar to the guy we had last year.’

RYAN BECKER TRIED AS WELL | Nobody recognizes ‘Fumanchu-less’ Ragone

BY J.D SALINGER Staff Writer Emeritus

Osama Ahmed/Staff Photographer

Only six days after being hired, Penn Athletic Director Grace Calhoun resigned the position late Sunday night. Calhoun cited a difficult working environment at an unsuccessful program as the source of her desire to return to her great situation at Loyola.

Fuller wanted someone from in department SEARCHING from page 12 handed in her letter of resignation, Price quickly got to work assembling the next committee.

Price ceded control of the committee to Penn men’s soccer coach Rudy Fuller, who was delighted at the chance.

“I think there is an opportunity to bring in some fresh ideas and some new energy to the department,” he said.

“I think that’s exciting.”

The committee rehired Daniel Parker of Parker Executive Search as a consultant for the search and added one new member — Anita Head, the director of the newly created Office of Recreational Gatherings and Sexual Management — before proceeding to contact all of the finalists from the last search.

However, thanks to the insistence of some committee members, the group looked to some less obvious in-house candidates, including Athletic Communications Director Mike Mahoney and men’s basketball coach Jerome Allen.

Allen was quickly jettisoned from the search when the committee realized that Allen couldn’t bring on former assistant coach Scott Pera as an associate athletic director.

The committee ultimately found Mahoney as the top candidate for the job, a surprising to many outside observers.

Mahoney is not a well-known name outside of Penn circles, causing many to question the move.

Fuller was asked about the interesting hire of Mahoney,

who didn’t have the same experience of some of the other candidates, and the men’s soccer coach responded that it was Mahoney’s determination that got him the job.

“It was because he ran up to the job quicker than anybody else,” Fuller said.

Fuller was also adamant that the new hire needed to be someone from within the department after Calhoun left.

“In that situation, it’s my belief that we can’t pick guys from outside the department,” Fuller said. “We don’t know what they’re feeling like, what their legs are feeling like, what their confidence is like.

“So with our group typically, we are looking for who wants the shot. That means a lot. It means they’re confident, they are feeling fresh, and as soon as the committee started, Mahoney ran up and grabbed the job and we were like, ‘Great.’

“Didn’t even think twice about it.”

With that mentality, Mahoney was the clear choice for the job.

Others on the committee cited the AComm head’s ability to manage a department that features Eric Dolan as a major reason in support of Mahoney.

“After Dolan came back from his brief time on “The Halperts” [a failed spinoff of NBC’s “The Office”], he was certainly tough to manage,” Penn women’s basketball coach Mike McLaughlin said. “He was always craving the spotlight, trying to force teams to play in the NCAA Tournament.

“I commend Mike Mahoney on his job of keeping Dolan in check.”

With Mahoney in place, Fuller is excited to return to his previous position with Penn men’s soccer, according to a Penn Athletics Facebook post. Cindy Tony liked that post.

With fifth-year senior quarterback Billy Ragone graduating following this past season, Penn football coach Al Bagnoli has some big shoes to fill.

Ragone, winner of three Ivy League titles throughout his time with the Red and Blue, is a left-handed, veteran quarterback with a knack for both deep throws to his receiving corps who also possesses the ability to step up and run.

For the first several weeks of spring ball, Bagnoli did not know where he would turn as next season’s opening game rapidly approaches. Though Alek Torgersen performed well in relief against Cornell at the end of 2012, Bagnoli was hesitant to hand the reigns of the team to someone who spells “Alex” so weirdly.

Repeatedly, Bagnoli has heaped praise on his former starting quarterback while issuing pleas for a new starting gunslinger.

“Ragone’s been a huge part of our program for the past half-decade, but I was really hoping I could get four more years out of him,” Bagnoli said following Penn’s seasonending loss to the Big Red in

November. “I guess we’ll just have to look elsewhere.”

Luckily, it doesn’t seem like Bagnoli will have to wait long for the solution as walk-on William Rogaine showed up on Bagnoli’s doorstep last week. Rogaine, the 23- yearold freshman, is confident that he has the skills necessary to succeed in this program.

“I mean sure, I just started throwing left handed a few weeks ago and I’m not the most mobile guy,” Rogaine said sheepishly while visibly uncomfortable. “But I’m sure I can fit in right where I left off — eh, I mean where Billy left off.”

R o g a i ne p r o c e e d e d t o stroke his chin, as if searching for a lost beard.

While he found nothing but a clean-shaven face, Rogaine has found his throwing stroke early and of ten in spr ing practices, hitting senior wide receiver Conner Scott like he has ... never before?

“We have really good chemistry going,” Scott said. “William and I go way back. It’s almost as if we’ve been playing together for years.”

Bagnoli also mentioned that another walk-on quarterback had shown up to practice around the same time as Rogaine, a man by the name of Brian Pecker.

“Now this guy walked in and said he was ‘Brian Pecker,’” Bagnoli said. “I’m sorry, but anyone who didn’t im-

mediately realize that was Ryan Becker is not seeing straight.”

Becker was sent home immediately after the practice ended.

“I just don’t know what happened, it was probably my lack of distinctive facial hair that did me in,” Becker said.

“I think everyone could tell it was a fake beard.”

With the phony removed from practice, operations resumed as normal. Bagnoli feels pretty good about his chances for the next four, or five, years with Rogaine under his wing.

“There’s something about this kid. He’s really just got a championship pedigree to him,” Bagnoli added. “You know he’s been there before and made those big throws when he had to.”

When approached on the possibility of Rogaine actually being Billy Ragone, Bagnoli and the rest of the coaching staff were incredibly confused.

“There’s no way they could be the same person. I mean, have you seen that man’s chin? Completely naked,” Bagnoli said with a perplexed expression on his face. “The real Billy Ragone would never let that happen.”

As of print time, Penn Athletics Communications was too busy with the promotion of Mike Mahoney as Athletic Director to add William Rogaine to the roster.

Try our NEW South Philly Roast Pork Sandwich

with Sharp provolone, broccoli rabe or hots. $200

PENN200

$8.75 A little bit of South Philly in West Philly!

M.

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014

online at thedp.com/sports

M. GRACE CALHOUN RESIGNS

WHAT DOES THE ‘M’ STAND FOR? | Newlyhired AD decides to go back to one of the Loyolas

BY RS, DP Swimming Enthusiast In a stunning turn of events less than a week after her formal introduction as Penn’s next Athletic Director, M. Grace Calhoun sub-

mitted her letter of resignation to President Amy Gutmann and Provost Vincent Price early Sunday morning.

A variety of reasons for Calhoun’s sudden departure have emerged since Steve Bilsky’s replacement first informed the University of her desire to leave the position before officially assuming it on July 1.

Un n a med sou r ces i n it i a l ly claimed that Calhoun chose not to take the position after it was discov-

ered that the former Loyola Chicago AD lied on her resume.

Whether or not Calhoun actually did graduate from Brown remains unclear, however. Still, it would not have been the first time somebody couldn’t handle the rigorous course load posed by Rhode Island’s most formidable academic institution.

Yet early Monday morning, Calhoun brought joy to all 23 Loyola sports fans: She’s returning to the school that has captured her heart.

AComm Director Mike Mahoney named new AD

“I’ve had the distinct privilege of serving a variety of schools somewhat well throughout my career,” Calhoun said. “But no institution is as special for me as Loyola. The programs there have done everything for me, succeeded at the level that I demanded of them.

“I truly feel like I’m returning to my roots at Loyola and I couldn’t be more honored by the opportunity.”

Though Gutmann and Price refuse to acknowledge it, Calhoun also

realized a distinct set of challenges posed by the AD position at Penn.

Citing her favorite Coldplay song, Calhoun made it clear that “[she] never thought it would be easy, but never thought it would be so haaar r r rddddd.” So she’s going back to the start.

Calhoun emphasized that she did envision several challenges at Penn, including whether or not to find a

SEE SERIOUSLY? PAGE 11

Rudy Fuller happy with advisory committee’s final results SEARCHING44EVER| Second time’s the charm as Penn quickly replaces second outgoing AD

BY LONDON TONY Pop Aficianado With the sudden departure of M. Grace Calhoun, Penn quickly put together a new advisory committee to find the new replacement

for Steve Bilsky. We at The Daily Pennsylvanian take an in depth look into the few hours the committee spent looking for Calhoun’s successor.

At 10 a.m., M. Grace Calhoun walked into P rovost Vincent Price’s office and explained that she could no longer be Penn’s athletic director after a grueling six days on the job. After Calhoun SEE SEARCHING44EVER PAGE 11

John Phillips

Penn men’s soccer coach Rudy Fuller (left) was impressed by new Athletic Director Mike Mahoney’s determination in seeking the job a mere two hours after it became available.

Osama Ahmed/Staff Photographer

Athletic Communication Director Mike Mahoney was named Penn’s new athletic director on Sunday at a press conference at the Palestra.

Mahoney proceeded to organize interviews for his own availability, saying he was the most qualified person for the job.

SUDOKU MASTER | New AD expert on selfcommunication and numberbased puzzles

BY DANA FUNYAK AComm Assistant Welcome to the Mahoney era of Penn Athletics.

After the stunning resignation of M. Grace Calhoun, Provost Vincent Price announced on Sunday that Mike Mahoney, the director of Penn’s Athletics Communications, would be

the next Director of Recreation and Intercollegiate Athletics, effective July 1. Mahoney was introduced at a press conference in the Palestra.

“We set out to find a star, and we did,” Penn President Amy Gutmann said in a press release. “And after our first star left, we found another.”

Mahoney has been the head of athletic communications since 2005. He previously worked at Northwestern from 1999-05 after working as an assistant sports information director at his alma mater, Dartmouth, before that. He also worked as an intern for the Ivy League after graduating

JEROME-ING FOR LOVE

from Dartmouth, where he was the sports editor of The Dartmouth, a clearly inferior student newspaper to The Daily Pennsylvanian.

Mahoney will move out of the basement of Weightman Hall, leaving AComm associate directors Eric Dolan and Chas Dorman to fend for themselves over the next few months.

“As happy as I am for Mike, his promotion puts considerable pressure on Chas and myself,” said Dolan, whose spinoff of The Office was recently cancelled. “Seriously,

SEE MAHONEY PAGE 10

1. Effort and Determination (ft. Fran Dougherty) 2. It’s on me 3. Hat tipping (Ft. Opposing stars) 4. Broken Record (Remastered) 5. Unacceptable (Ft. Everyone) 6. Put it in a bottle and sell it (Rider) 7. Tell Me Why (I don’t have an answer) 8. Knock out (ft. Tony Hicks) 9. Bound 2 Jason Polykoff

Penn Athletics is releasing its second album by artist Jerome Allen. Allen saw this album as his chance to truly break the shackles of coaching and find his inner muse. Allen is hoping that the lyrics on the album provide sufficient motivation to his less-than stellar team in the upcoming season.

Sports Desk (215) 898-6585 ext. 147

Visit us online at theDP.com/sports

Jerome Allen sticks to his guns, hires himself as assistant coach MO ALLEN, MO PROBLEMS | Frank Underwood of coaching making moves

BY STU GELFOND Where you at Palestra John?

If you want to get something done, sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

Even though his players rarely — if ever — live by that motto, Penn basketball head coach Jerome Allen has decided to take the burdens of the coaching staff and put them on his back. Again.

After Scott Pera, the Red and Blue’s assistant coach and recruiting coordinator, resigned late last week to take a similar position under new head coach Mike Rhoades at Rice, Allen slowly realized he needed to find a replacement.

After spending the weekend in deep rumination and thought, Allen had a breakthrough while painting during his “quiet time” on Sunday afternoon.

While working on a delicate nature piece in his living room, Allen realized that he was the perfect man to replace Pera.

“I have a deep appreciation for what the position of top assistant coach and recruiting coordinator

means at this university and for this program,” Allen said. “Getting this job was a product of effort and energy.

“Now, it’s on me.”

Allen was hired as a volunteer assistant coach for the Quakers prior to the 2009-10 season. Despite having zero experience in any coaching positions in the United States up to that point, the entirety of Penn Athletics looked the other way as Allen was brought on board.

And in a series of Frank Underwood-esque move, Allen quickly maneuvered his way to the top.

Allen helped convince the mainstream media that then-head coach Glen Miller was guilty of receiving illicit funds from unnamed donors and witness tampering. As special prosecutor Amy Gutmann began drawing up articles of impeachment, Allen forced Athletic Director Steve Bilsky to fire Miller and promote Allen to head coach.

But things haven’t gone so well for Allen as head coach. Despite a second-place finish in the Ivy League in 2011-12, the Red and Blue have failed to register double-digit wins since.

With Pera gone and the pressure rising on his status as head coach, Allen knew he needed to provide

SEE DOUBLE THE ALLEN PAGE 10

Send story ideas to dpsports@thedp.com