SATIRE:
SPACE IS NOT THE PLACE
ELON MUSK MUSK NO LONGER INTERESTED ELON INTERESTED IN MARS IN MARS DUE DUE TO TO WEALTH WEALTH TAX TAX
WYATT DILLMAN WYATT DILLMAN CEO of Tesla, Chief Engineer of SpaceX and father of seven children Musk has been and named TIME CEO ofrobot Tesla, ChiefElon Engineer ofjust SpaceX father of Person of the Year—aElon well-deserved token fornamed the brilliant seven robot children Musk has just been TIME entrepreneur. However, none of thosetoken gracious titles would Person of the Year—a well-deserved for the brilliant be more meaningful to Musk than one day makingtitles the human entrepreneur. However, none of those gracious would species be more multiplanetary. meaningful to Musk than one day making the human A lot multiplanetary. of serious thought and time has gone into deciding species which planet is most suitable human life. Musk explains A lot of serious thought andfor time has gone into deciding that the planet need to have near-impossible features which planet iswould most suitable for human life. Musk explains suchthe as breathable air,need drinkable and adequate phone that planet would to havewater near-impossible features service. With absolute practicality taken account, it such as breathable air, drinkable water and into adequate phone was obvious to Musk that the only planet with this ability— service. With absolute practicality taken into account, it andobvious the colortored—was Mars. were with no other was Musk that the There only planet this options. ability— Nonetheless, development on this project wasoptions. halted and the color red—was Mars. There were no other yesterday morning after Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted, Nonetheless, development on this project was halted “Everyonemorning in the universe deserves free healthcare.” Musk yesterday after Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted, had no ideain Sanders was alive, let alone he had political “Everyone the universe deserves freethat healthcare.” Musk agendas outside of Earth. had no idea Sanders was alive, let alone that he had political “I forgot that Iof hadn’t killed you lol,” Musk replied. agendas outside Earth. Was this an attempt by Sanders to radically spread socialism “I forgot that I hadn’t killed you lol,” Musk replied. toWas Mars? it was enough for SpaceX to temporarily shut thisWell, an attempt by Sanders to radically spread socialism down advancement of the Mars program. It appears the scare to Mars? Well, it was enough for SpaceX to temporarily shut of communism in space been the most down advancement of thehas Mars program. Itdifficult appearsrestraint the scare on multiplanetary expansion. of communism in space has been the most difficult restraint us remind you that formidable challenges like this are onLet multiplanetary expansion. not new to Musk, as he single-handedly paid hislike employees Let us remind you that formidable challenges this are to reinvent the electric car (EVs). Tesla’s remarkable EVs are not new to Musk, as he single-handedly paid his employees the overall best in the market—resulting in the company's to reinvent the electric car (EVs). Tesla’s remarkable EVs are domination and Musk’s position as the wealthiest person the overall best in the market—resulting in the company's in history. domination and Musk’s position as the wealthiest person Let us not forget that he also built Neuralink, The Boring in history. Company and a baby with the popstar Grimes—listed in order Let us not forget that he also built Neuralink, The Boring of priority. Of course, Neuralink was originally designed to Company and a baby with the popstar Grimes—listed in order build a brain implant that would give him a sense of empathy. of priority. Of course, Neuralink was originally designed to All in all, people are baffled at how a single individual build a brain implant that would give him a sense of empathy. was able to achieve so much, but a leaked YouTube clip All in all, people are baffled at how a single individual exposes one of his dark secrets to productivity. By speaking was able to achieve so much, but a leaked YouTube clip in minimal words every sentence—like Kevin Malone exposes one of his dark secrets to productivity. By speaking from The Office—Musk is able to reserve energy and in minimal words every sentence—like Kevin Malone save time at work. This genius formula is soon to be from The Office—Musk is able to reserve energy and adopted by Tesla employees worldwide, but the big save time at work. This genius formula is soon to be question remains: will Musk’s uncanny methods adopted by Teslabe employees but the big of productivity enough toworldwide, stop the spread question remains: will Musk’s uncanny methods of socialism to space? of productivity to stop the spread It’s importantbetoenough understand Musk’s of socialism to space? perspective on why socialism is It’s important understand Musk’s inhumane. One ofto the biggest policies perspective on why socialism of the socialist agenda is the wealth is inhumane. Onefor ofthe thegovernment biggest policies tax—a scheme to of the socialist agenda is the wealth tax—a scheme for the government to
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take money away from people with money. Musk explains that, his view, few people have allMusk of theexplains wealth take in money awaya from peopleshould with money. rather the government—who would it in a that, inthan his view, a few people should havejust all spend of the wealth wasteful way—such as making it so people rather than the government—who would can just actually spend itlive in a in currently unlivable environments, like can Detroit. When wasteful way—such as making it so people actually live asked what the best actions of the government would be, in currently unlivable environments, like Detroit. When Musk “nothing.” askedargued what the best actions of the government would be, Musk believes it would be best if the government did not Musk argued “nothing.” exist at all. In hisitview, private businesses will take care of Musk believes would be best if the government did not the world always have—examples of which beingof exist at all.like In they his view, private businesses will take care Nestle, selflessly providing the world with water; the world like they always have—examples of which being Coca Cola, tirelessly providing Nestle, selflessly providing thenecessary world with water; research in tirelessly health; orproviding Nike, providing Coca Cola, necessary children nations with research in in developing health; or Nike, providing the abilityin todeveloping get a job. nations with children In the end, it is clear that Musk the ability to get a job. believes bad, Sanders is a In thesocialism end, it isisclear that Musk social parasite and is Musk cool—yes, believes socialism bad,is Sanders is a he talksparasite about himself in third person. social and Musk is cool—yes, In meantime, we all in anxiously await hethe talks about himself third person. his next tweet to see progression of In the meantime, we the all anxiously await his intergalactic empire. his next tweet to see the progression of Editor’s Note: Most quotes and events his intergalactic empire. in this article are fictional. Editor’s Note: Most quotes and events
in this article fictional. Editor’s Note:are Most quotes and events in this article are fictional.
PSU Vanguard • JANUARY 11, 2022 • psuvanguard.com
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