REBT Rage Reduction (reworked Anger Management) by Dan Hostetler

The MISSION of ABOVE and BEYOND To offer sustainable change to those struggling with alcohol and drug abuse through innovative, evidence-based modalities that heal the body, mind and soul.

WHO WE ARE Above and Beyond is a 501c3 treatment facility that was given life by a selfless and caring philanthropic soul who had a vision - now realized - of staffing the facility with exemplars of compassion, competence and experience. We are a team with deep roots, who keep our compassionate hearts and minds fresh through a mandatory self-care program that enables us to counter the dysfunction we face with optimism.

RAGE

WHAT WE DO We assist Chicago's homeless, uninsured and financially disadvantaged populations in receiving the best levels of evidence- based outpatient care for their substance use disorders. Specifically, we offer programs and services that add sustainability to our mission of restoring our patients as determinants of their own destinies. Our services are free to those who want to trans- form their substance abuse into a clean and sober future.

HOW WE DO IT

A Rational-Emotive Behavior Approach

Above and Beyond offers a plethora of substance abuse treatment programs, individual counseling sessions and groups, tailored to each individual's specific challenges, and at no cost to them. We offer 12-step programs alongside self empowerment programs that are interlaced with REBT, unconditional self- acceptance principals and therapeutic methodologies of uncovering meaning in our client's lives. As well, we offer Outpatient and Intensive Outpatient Programs, job readiness coaching, housingfirst assistance, street yoga, acupuncture, EFT, rage management, and unique trauma-specific groups, SMART Recovery and AA. On the NE corner of W Lake & Sacramento in West Chicagoland (East Garfield)

Terry London, M.S.

 www.anb.today  773.940.2960 

One of the things I like the best about Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is that it can be, and often has been, applied to many everyday situations. It therefore can be used in work, school, government, sports, marital, and other areas, and applied not only by psychotherapists and their clients but also managers, teachers, officials, game participants, and others who are not necessarily disturbed people but who have self-defeating and dysfunctional reactions to many common life difficulties. Anger, hostility, rage and fury are pandemic dysfunctional reactions that all of us experience in many situations. In this brief but solid book, Terry London applies the REBT approach to overcoming anger to many unfortunate events, especially those that frequently arise in the workplace and social situations. He does so in an exceptionally clear, understandable, and practical way, so that almost any reader can use the REBT approaches that he describes is likely to receive considerable help from this book. Thank you, Terry, for another highly relevant and readable application of REBT! Albert Ellis, Ph.D., President Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy 45 East 65th Street New York, NY 10021-6593

Terry London Terry P. London is the Assistant Director of the 501 (c) 3 non for profit Chicago Institute for REBT, Inc. He is considered a pioneer in the development of the educational approach based on REBT known as Rational Emotive Behavior Education (REBE). He is the author of seven other books on the topic of REBT/ REBE written for professionals and non-professionals. He is also a licensed REBT practitioner and clinical supervisor through the Albert Ellis Institute located in New York City. Mr. London has been teaching graduate courses and professional workshops for the past 35 years.

(A)

Unfair evaluation from my boss.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance

(B) (1) She can't do this to me! (2) I can't stand it that she thinks she's always right! (3) She's a bitch who deserves to get it! (D)

(1) Why can't she do what I don't like? (2) Prove that I'll die because of her lousy attitude.

(E)

Thanks

(3) Is she a bitch or a person with a problem for acting this way?

To Dr. Albert Ellis, the "Godfather" of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

I wish she was different, but she does not have to be the way I prefer. Tough!

To Amor, who brings great joy to my life. Finally, to Goose, chief editor and CEO of Garfield Press, Inc.

It's only unpleasant, nothing close to intolerable. I don't like her attitude, but I chose not to hate her for having a problem.

SITUATION I just received my evaluation from my boss and she said somethings about my performance that really made me pissed off. She thinks she knows everything about what I do and she does not know the truth. (A) Activating Event

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Found out my son was lying to me about his grades in school.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement

(B) (1) How dare he lie to me! (2) I can't tolerate him lying to me! (3) What an idiot I am to had believed him! (D)

(1) Can I prove that my son can't do what I don't like? (2) I would be dead if I could not tolerate something. (3) Why am I an idiot for trusting my son when I had no reason not to? (E)

Slow down. I wish he had not lied tome, but he did. Let's deal with his mistake now. It's sad that he chose to lie, but it's not the end of the world.

I'm not going to put myself down for trusting my son. He's the one who acted badly not me.

WHAT IS RATIONAL-EMOTIVE BEHAVIOR THERAPY? In 1955, Albert Ellis started a revolution in the treatment of emotional problems with the introduction of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Today, there are over 12,000 practitioners of RET and other cognitivebehavior therapies worldwide. REBT is a practical, action-oriented approach to coping with problems and enhancing personal growth. Although we may be strongly influenced by events in our early life, REBT does not spend years rehashing the past. REBT focuses on the present, and maladaptive behaviors that can sabotage a fuller experience of life. Research has demonstrated that emotional upsets largely result from beliefs people hold about the way that they, others, or the world "must" be. By learning to react with less upset to the things that can't be changed, RET helps free you to work on what can be changed. Through REBT, you can achieve an improved life philosophy that will bring greater self-acceptance and emotional stability. With your REBT trainer, you will set specific, attainable goals. While you unlearn old ways of thinking and behaving that block you here and now, you can acquire new skills in problem solving, in relating to others, or you can achieve other goals. REBT stresses solutions, not just insight, and emphasizes your power to choose and implement satisfying alternatives to current difficulties. REBT is effective for dealing with a wide range of problems, and, because most problems can be dealt with fairly quickly, it doesn't involve a drain on life savings. You will discover that RET can be applied to many life situations, and that results can be rapid, effective, and life-enhancing.

SITUATION I went to my son's school conference and was informed that he was flunking most of his classes. I felt so embarrassed and outraged because he had lied to me about doing well in all his classes. (A) Activating Event

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

One client started to tease another client about being fat.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance

(B) (1) How dare she be so cruel! (2) I can't bear seeing someone picked on! (3) She's a shit for teasing somebody! (D)

I have had the great pleasure over the last 35 years of teaching courses, workshops, and seminars for professional health workers in such areas as stress control, positive approaches to emotional control, and conflict resolution. Without a doubt in my mind the most frequently cited emotion that gets in the way of being effective and constructive in the work situation and home life is anger and its emotional bedfellows: Low Frustration Tolerance and Ego Involvement.

I will always strongly disapprove of this type of behavior, but kids can act this way.

Many of the mental health workers I have worked with have taken many courses or workshops in anger management that revolve around superficial/ surface anger management techniques or just give advice statements. However, regardless of what model of anger reduction was taught lacked a step by step process of emotional control based on cognitive restructuring versus advice. As a Tao philosopher once stated, "Advice is stupid because fools won't use it and wise men know it already."

It's tough for me to see this type of behavior, but I can bear it and deal with it in a calm way. No, she's not a shit, but a person with problems.

Advice is an opinion or way to look at what to do or how to handle a given situation. An effective approach to reduce anger would always include two parts in the following order:

(1) Easy, there's no evidence that people must act the way I desire. (2) Why can't I bear what I don't like? (3) Does she deserve to be damned for acting immaturely? (E)

INTRODUCTION

A process of emotional control.

Verbal and behavioral strategies to positively influence other people's behavior.

This book will give you an emotional control process based on the work of Dr. Albert Ellis called Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy. I have taught this approach to thousands of individuals at this point and believe it to be extremely effective at showing them how to build emotional "muscle" for keeping control of themselves in those unpleasant moments they will encounter in their lives. There are four basic ways to control our emotions including anger.

Be able to leave or immediately change the situation. Lots of luck in your new career or developing magical control over other people's behavior. Don't confuse trying to positively influence them with control, but this takes time and is not immediate.

Take a lot of drugs-but remember the physical and psychological consequences of doing so.

Develop a plan of systematic relaxation or exercise to decrease the harmful effects of anger on your body. Actually, not a bad idea at all, but, it's treating the symptom, not the cause of your anger. Learn the relationship between your beliefs that directly cause the anger in your gut and how to change them to more rational beliefs that stop the anger and lead to more appropriate emotions.

The first two are really lousy choices, so let's forget about them. Number three has some merit and can be incorporated in a good self-management plan. The last option is what Rational-Emotive Behavior Self Help is based on, that largely what you call your emotions (physical changes) is the extension of how you perceive and then evaluate a situation (your belief system). Therefore, the most natural and effective way of controlling one's emotions is philosophical re-structuring. If you follow and practice the methodology in this book for anger control, you might be amazed at how you can dramatically decrease the frequency, intensity, and duration of your hostile moments. It's not necessarily easy to do, but well worth it, so you can be physically/ psychologically more comfortable and more effective in dealing with your life situations. It takes hard work and practice in order to change your emotional responses to unpleasant situations. I believe this book contains the tools for you to learn how to use for anger control. Let's see what you think and feel after going through the book and practicing the Rational-Emotive Behavior way of keeping your cool.

SITUATION One of the clients in my self-help group started to tease another client about being fat. I just lost it and really started to scream at her for being so cruel. (A) Activating Event

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Told my wife not to let our son use the car unless he first cuts the grass, and she still let him use the car.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement

TABLE OF CONTENTS

(B) (1) She should have done what I told her! (2) It's terrible that she let him get away with this!

Chapter One:

Definitions

Chapter Two:

Anger's Emotional Bedfellows:

(3) She made me look like a fool!

Low Frustration Tolerance and

(D)

Ego Involvement (1) There's no evidence that my wife has to do what I desire. (2) Terrible means more than totally bad, and there's no evidence that her decision was that important. (3) Why does her behavior make me anything? It was her stupid deci sion not mine.

(E)

I wish she had been more firm, but that does not mean she can't make a mistake.

Chapter Three:

The A-B-C's of Anger Control

Chapter Four:

Adjunct Techniques for Anger

Control Chapter Five:

Final Comments

Chapter Six:

Worksheets

This is only a hassle, not the end of the world. Her decision is not a reflection on me, but a mistake that she made by not being firm with our son.

SITUATION I told my wife that our son could not use the car until he cut the grass. Sure enough, when I came home she had let him use the car without first mowing the damn lawn because he told her he needed to go to the library to do school work.

CHAPTER ONE DEFINITIONS

(A) Activating Event

It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed to lay blame on oneself; and of one whose instruction is completed neither to blame another, nor himself.

-Epictetus, Philosopher, Second Century A.D. A person who has angered himself should dig two graves, not just one. He will injure himself as much, if not more, than the enemy he seeks to destroy.

(B) Irrational "Hot" Toughts

-A Tao Philosopher?

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Phone call from a family member who cussed me out and then hung up on me.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance

(B) (1) He had no right to treat me this way! (2) I can't stand it when people blame me unfairly! (3) What a Mother-Fucker for upsetting me!

(D) (1) People have the right to be wrong. (2) If I could not stand something, it would kill me and his putdown was not life threatening. (3) No, he did a lousy thing, but that does not make a totally bad per son. There's no evidence he upset me, I chose to upset myself. (E)

I don't like his accusations, but he can say what he wants.

Stop whining! It was only one person's opinion. It's not the end of the world. He's just a nutty acting person, not a shit who deserves to be pun ished. I chose to be upset, so why blame him for my mistake?

I always like to start a lecture or a workshop with the statement that if you don't define your terms or give operational definitions that are scientifically based, you normally can't have an intelligent discussion. This assumption has special merit in the area of anger. Of all the emotions that are discussed in psychology or psychotherapy, anger has the most myths, falsehoods, and misconceptions than all the other affects combined. Sometimes it is difficult for me to believe that authors of many self-help books on anger-control never define what anger is and then give totally false information about its causes and its control. It makes me wonder if they read the scientific research in this area that has gone on in the last thirty years.

Definition of Anger Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy assumes that all human beings bring to any situation that they find themselves in their strong wishes, wants, and desires. These strong preferences are normally rational in that they guide a person's behavior and lead to problem-solving options. Examples such as desire for comfort, fair treatment, convenience, and health make the point how these strong preferences lead to helpful choices in our lives. If human beings could vigorously stick to their rational preferences and not demand or command that other people or world conditions must live up to their personal desires, they would experience frustration, but not anger. Let's use this visualization to make this first point very clear: The circle represents my desire and me.

For the sake of the discussion, let's use one of my favorite stories. When I lived in downtown Chicago, I paid $165 per month for a parking slot for my car. Often, but fortunately not all the time, someone would park right in front of my car so I could not get it out to go to work or play. My strong desire was

to use my car now and that was being stopped, thwarted, and inconvenienced by somebody parking in front of my slot illegally. You can see that what we call frustration, annoyance, and displeasure mainly stems from the outside in. Now if I vigorously stuck to my desires and preferences with the following beliefs, I would end up with rational frustration and annoyance:

SITUATION A family member of mine called me up on the phone and proceeded to tell me that I was the worst fuck-up in the family, and then hung up on me. I was enraged and upset the rest of the day. (A) Activating Event

1. I don't like this at all. 2. I wish this was not so. 3. I'll never approve of this behavior, but it is a fact of reality.

4. Tough shit! This is unfair, but not the end of the world. These beliefs, without a doubt, would lead to frustration about the situation because all are based on accepting, but not liking, or approving of the other driver's choice. They also would lead to realistic problem-solving choices, such as:

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

1. Ringing doorbells to see if I could reach the driver 2. Calling a towing service (D) Disputing

3. Calling the police 4. Calling a friend for a ride 5. Taking a cab or bus Now if frustration mainly comes from the outside in, where does anger come from? Back to the visualization.

(E) Effective Coping Statements

Anger is an emotion we create on the inside when we have the following beliefs about anything we find frustrating. Notice you don't change frustration into anger, you make yourself angry over what you find frustrating.

(A)

Barb came home three and a half hours lat and did not call and didn't think she did anything wrong.

(C)

Low Frustration Tolerance, Anger

(B)

2. I can't stand that somebody acted in such an irresponsible and unjust manner. 3. How awful for this to have happened to me when I don't deserve it!

(1) How dare she have such an attitude after what she did! (2) I can't stand her attitude! (3) What a bitch not even to apologize or say she was sorry in any way! (D) (1) Why can't she dare to do what I don't like? Prove that she must have a respectful attitude. (2) No evidence for this one. It's just something I find very unpleas ant. (3) No, she's not a bitch, but my wife with a lousy attitude right now. (E)

1. How dare they! They must not behave in such a way!

I will never approve of her attitude, but I can bear it. I don't control my wife. It's her choice to act maturely or immaturely. I don't have to put her down for acting defensively towards me.

4. This person is a shit who deserves to be punished for what he did! These "HOT" thoughts would lead to anger and intolerance and possibly acting in a revenge-seeking fashion such as scratching the person's car, kicking their car, or getting into a fight. Anger is an intense, unpleasant emotion stimulated and maintained by an irrational demand that one's self, other people, or circumstances operate according to personal standards and values. This perfectionistic insistence that others, oneself, or world conditions not act or treat one badly leads to anger, intolerance, and condemnation. Another way of putting it would be: Anger is the emotional response to the idea that things and people should not be the way they are, but rather the way we believe they should be. Being frustrated is unfortunately a fact of life. We always have the emotional choice of tolerance without anger over these unpleasantries or making the situation even more difficult with self-created anger and intolerance. Another way to look at what we politely call anger is to call it nothing but a "two year old kid's whine" about what we find difficult or unfair about situations in our lives. The Barbie Doll Tale "The itty bitty little shitty bitch." (Why feeling better is not getting better.)

An adorable six year old girl is playing with her new Barbie doll, combining Barbie's blonde locks with the miniature comb that came with the doll. However, the comb gets stuck in a tangle on Barbie's head. The adorable six year old tries to get it out of the tangle, but alas she can't. She now starts to tell her doll: Why you itty bitty little shitty bitch, Barbie! How dare you frustrate me

and ruin my day! I can't stand this! How awful! You deserve to get it for what you have done to me! And with a nice temper tantrum going, she rips Barbie's head off and flushes it down the toilet and slams the headless torso against the wall, screaming, "I showed you-you little bitch-you got what you deserved!"

SITUATION My wife Barb said she would be home by 12:00 p.m. or at least call if she was running late. Well, she strolls in around 3:30 a.m. and pretends that nothing really happened. Boy, did that Fucking piss me off. (A) Activating Event

Does she "feel better" after ventilating her anger in a direct fashion. Yes, for the following reasons: 1. Physically - When she made herself angry, she released adrenaline and felt tense. By destroying the doll, she finally starts to get fatigued and feels more relaxed.

2. Psychologically - She devoutly and fanatically believes that she got even and the world is a better place to live in now. Well, she's six years old and her behavior is age appropriate. Even in her case, you would not immediately buy her a new doll because otherwise you would reinforce her emotions and behavior.

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

When you go with your anger and let it out, you "Feel Better" for the moment for the reasons already presented, but you don't "Get Better." Actually you increase your irrational beliefs, lower frustration tolerance, and increase your ability to whine and throw temper tantrums.

(D) Disputing

"Getting Better" is based on accepting reality, regardless of what is happening, and then sticking to our desires and spending time and effort to effect change. This is also called acting in a problem solving assertive fashion. You will not be passive if you accept reality, but will more effectively deal with it. Since anger is based on a two year old whine- denial that reality cannot be what it is, the individual will often not deal with a situation at all.

(E) Effective Coping Statements

There's also the false notion that if you directly express your anger that you "get it out" and you will have less anger as time goes on. There are over four hundred studies done by social and experimental psychologists that all show the more directly you express anger the following takes place: 1. The frequency of the anger dramatically increases. 2. The intensity of the anger dramatically increases. 3. The duration of the anger dramatically increases.

(A)

Won't do work and actually seems happy about this.

(C)

Low Frustration Tolerance, Anger

(B) (1) I can't stand seeing people waste my time! (2) They must care about keeping their jobs! (3) What fucking idiots for not using their brains and learning some thing!

(D) (1) Prove, that I can't stand something I don't like. (2) Where is the evidence they must do what I think is the best for them?

Lastly, there's the myth that if one does not let his anger out that this leads to psychosomatic illnesses or stress-related syndromes. This crap was largely started by the greatest psyche-plumber of all times Ziggy Freud. His "stem-kettle" analogy was based on the premise that if one had "psychic steam" built up on the inside and did not release or ventilate this pressure, the individual would implode towards self leading to emotional /physical harm. There is no scientific evidence for this assumption. A term that has been developed in stress control for individuals with Low Frustration Tolerance and frequent Anger is Hot Reacters. When Hot Reacters have been selected to see if there is any difference in the development or severity of disease based on expressing their anger or keeping it in the research shows no differences at all. The only significant difference was interpersonal. The individuals who more frequently and openly expressed their anger had higher rates of job problems, divorces, unruly kids, going to jail etc. "Great benefits for having temper tantrums."

(3) Why are they fucking idiots for not acting maturely vs. just people acting immaturely. (E)

It's sad for me to see that they don't care but I can stand it.

I wish they would take their jobs more seriously, but if they don't, they don't. If they were really fucking idiots, they could never change and that's not true, I'll just try my best to explain why I think it's important to try.

SUMMARY OF MAJOR DISADVANTAGES OR ADVANTAGES FOR EXPRESSING ANGER

SITUATION I teach work skills to new employees. What pisses me off is not that they don't do the work, but they are actually proud of not making any effort at all and still expect to get paid.

DISADVANTAGES

ADVANTAGES

1. It increases frequency, intensity and duration of anger. 2. It wastes valuable time not accepting what we find annoying instead of looking at effective problem-solving options. 3. It makes a bad situation worse than it already is. 4. It turns fight or flight response on and stresses body. 5. It models power/revenge to children and often leads to more aggressive behavior on their part in the long run. 6. If you act in a demeaning fashion or seek revenge, children will often seek revenge back at you. Two wrongs never make a right. 7. It might reinforce a power or attention seeking child or adult so they will act this way more often. 8. It motivates you very strongly, however it usually leads to more conflict not less. 9. The goal of anger is to seek revenge or get even, not to help people learn from their mistakes. 10. You label a person as being wicked or bad when you are angry which gives you "permission" to give them what they deservepunishment.

1. It immediately and very temporarily makes you 'feel better." Remember Barbie. 2. Rarely and occasionally, it actually leads to changing a situation to your advantage, such as: a. If you were physically attacked went into a rage and beat off your attackers. b. The individual(s) intimidate themselves and comply with your demands. c. Get the attention of individuals you're dealing with.

(A) Activating Event

Questions: How many life-threatening situations do you have at home or at school?

(D) Disputing

The effects of angry outbursts, lose their power very quickly. When the threatening or screaming does not work what do you do then?

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Daughter started to cry in Burger King when we were in line. People noticed her crying and being upset.

(C)

Ego Involvement, Anger

(B)

CHAPTER TWO (1) This is just terrible, everyone noticing Sally misbehaving! (2) How dare she embarrass me in front of all these people! (3) I didn't even want to eat here. I did it for her and she dares to act this way now!

(D)

ANGER'S EMOTIONAL BEDFELLOWS; LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE AND EGO INVOLVEMENT

Learn to ignore (tolerate) what you can't control, and learn to control what you can. -Dr. Peter Hanson

(1) There's no evidence that this is terrible, it's just unpleasant. (2) Easy, prove it that she must act the way I desire. And even if these people think badly of me how does that prove I'm no good? (3) Again, it is unpleasant she won't act the way I want, but why must she give me what I deserve or want now? (E)

It's not reality itself that's the problem. We all suffer difficult realities, but it's how you see reality that makes the difference. -Dr. Martin Seligman

I wish she was not acting this way. It's unpleasant that she won't act in a reasonable fashion. She's a kid who probably is tired and hungry. That's all. Stop it! I don't know what they are thinking of me. And if they do disapprove of me, too bad, I don't need their approval to accept my self.

Now that we have a clear explanation of what anger is and the many disadvantages of this emotional choice, we had better take a look at its two main emotional bedfellows, Low Frustration Tolerance and Ego Involvement. You don't have these two emotions every time you make yourself angry, but the great majority of the time you will if you believe that a person as disrespected you.

SITUATION We were in the Burger King waiting in line when my daughter, Sally, started to cry about having to wait so long. It drove me crazy, with everyone thinking what was wrong with me for having such a bratty kid. (A) Activating Event

Low Frustration Tolerance Low Frustration Tolerance is an emotion we create by convincing ourselves that some event (A child's disrespectful attitude, a peer who won't obey or listen to reason, someone who calls you a name on the street and challenges you, etc.) is just not unpleasant, annoying, or displeasing, but is intolerable, unbearable, a fate worse than death. You could easily prove that many times different people have obnoxious behaviors or attitudes that are quite a pain in your ass, and life would be without a doubt much easier and more pleasant if they behaved the way you desired them to act. When we take these relatively unpleasant hassles and magnify them completely out of realistic perspective, we then disturb ourselves with overwhelming frustration to the point where it seems unbearable. The following graph explains the process of creating Low Frustration Tolerance.

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

If you get everything you desired in a situation with comfort and convenience you would be at zero on the life event scale. If you let your imagination run wild and I said think of the worst possible, most tragic and totally bad event that could happen to you that would equate a hundred percent on the scale. When most of my clients or students go through this exercise they

(A)

John left his work station when asked not to and laughed at me when I asked him to go back and sit down.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement

(B) (1) How dare he try to show me up! (2) I'll show him that he can't get away with this! (3) It's awful that I got stuck with dealing with this worker on my shift! (D)

come up with things like cancer, AIDS, loss of limbs, being tortured to death slowly, paper cuts on the eyeballs, etc. Pretty extreme! But that's the point. These are realistically very tragic and unfortunate events. Let's take a life event such as a person who you have asked in a calm and respectful way to please stop talking to you in an unpleasant manner. They tell you to go fuck yourself in front of everybody! It is pretty obvious you're not going to be at zero on the life event scale. Your desire is not being easily and conveniently fulfilled by that individual. If you told yourself the following, you would have a realistic level of frustration and fall somewhere on the life event scale that would be reasonable under the circumstances:

(1) Easy, there's no evidence that he must cooper ate with me. (2) He did it already. Why must I prove anything to him. I don't, I just want him to behave. (3) Awful means intolerable, and there's no evi dence that this is life threatening. (E)

I don't like what he's doing, but it is his choice not mine. What are my options now? Stop it! I don't have to take so seriously his silly behavior. It's only unpleasant, a hassle, and I can deal with it.

If you convince yourself that something is intolerable or unbearable, as you would by thinking the above beliefs, you do two things that are totally wrong and make no sense at all.

First, you take this relatively unpleasant event and you make it totally bad:

SITUATION It was Tuesday morning about 11:30 a.m. I told one of the workers I supervise, John if he left his work station one more time, he would go lose some of his pay for the day. Sure enough, he gets up and starts to laugh at me when I told him to go back to his work station. I got pissed at him for trying to show me in front of the other workers. (A) Activating Event

(C) Emotional Consequences Rates right up there with cancer, AIDS, slow physical torture, loss of limbs. Come on-it's just a hassle, no where close to being totally bad. Secondly, being a really talented screwball, you convince yourself that it's not only totally bad, but more than totally bad, a fate worse than death:

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

There's only a hundred percent of anything in the universe so the event can't be more than totally bad. If you really think it through, it's not even close to being totally bad, it's only unpleasant, annoying, frustrating, etc.

Important Fact If something was truly unbearable-intolerable (awful), that would mean you could not survive it at all or, if you did, life would not be worth living in anyway for the rest of your life.

The following situations are true accounts shared with me by my students or clients learning how to control their anger. I have included them for you to practice the A-B-C system (RESH). Read through the situation, break it down into the A-B-C's, (D) Dispute the irrational beliefs, and finally write down at (E) Effective rational coping statements. Compare your written A-B-C with the person's model on the following pages. Don't cheat! Do your written work and then analyze your efforts. If you get lost, go back to the chapter on the AB-C Theory and reread it until you get the hang of it.

It is so stupid and self-defeating to say that you can't stand what you don't like because every time you think this you do stand it, but you escalate your frustration sky-high and lower your tolerance for what you find unpleasant.

Ego Involvement Ego Involvement is the process of basing one's total acceptance or rejection of oneself on the behavior other people. When one is in a classic "power struggle" or "win-lose" situation, we feel not only the anger and intense frustration due to Low Frustration Tolerance, but threatened and anxious about losing "face" in front of other people or with this individual . This ego anxiety stems from the following set of beliefs: 1. If I cannot control their behavior, as I must, then I'm a total failure. 2. Their behavior and attitudes are a direct reflection of what I am as a person. 3. If I let them get away with this, I'm a total pushover. 4. Other adults will think less of me because of the person's misbehavior, and this disapproval would prove I'm no good. The end result of these beliefs emotionally would not only be anxiety, but shame, guilt, or embarrassment after the person says/acts in a disrespectful manner. These beliefs are irrational and illogical. There are two major reasons: 1. You have no direct control over anybody else's behavior. You do have either positive or negative influence towards others. When you demand control over others' behavior, you set yourself up for feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness when they choose not to cooperate with your rules or desires. 2. If you treat people with tolerance, respect, and kindness and do your best to show them right from wrong, praise their good behaviors, hold them accountable when they make mistakes and they still choose to act badly and misbehave toward you, mainly because of immaturity, irrationality or disturbance, does this prove that you're a lousy, worthless, no-good-nick as a husband/wife, parent, or as a human being? Clearly it

does not prove anything about you, except you're not getting what you want or you're being treated unfairly. Even if you acted badly/ aggressively towards this person it would only prove that you made a mistake not that you're a totally bad person. That's why if you irrationally demand to control a person's behavior, you trap yourself into a "win-lose" or "power struggle". The situation is no longer trying to get a person to make a good decision or cooperate, but it is a symbolic "life or death" duel to the finish in order to accept yourself or be totally defeated. It follows that the anger (commanding and demanding that they obey) is a magical crazy way of trying to control them in order to protect your "symbolic" self or ego.

CHAPTER SIX WORKSHEETS

Neurotic simply means that a person is making a bad situation worse than it already is. -Dr. Paul Hauck

I have defined for you the infamous triad of emotions, Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, and Ego Involvement, that get into the way of effective parenting or discipline in the classroom or at home. The rest of this book will present a hard-hitting approach that will show you how to control these emotions and replace them with appropriate emotions based on "rational" ways of thinking in these "hot" situations with students or your own children.

dents when they ask, "How long will it take to change?" As long as it takes. There is no exact time table or amount of trials for you to develop a new skill. Some of us got on a two wheel bike the first time and rode away. Some of us took weeks or months to get the hang of it. Just keep on practicing and rehearsing until you produce your desired result. 6. For those of you who would want to do more reading on the topic of anger and its control, I recommend the following books. How To Live With And Without Anger by Dr. Albert Ellis Overcoming Frustration And Anger by Dr. Paul Hauck Dealing With Anger Problems: Rational-Emotive Therapeutic Interventions by Dr. Windy Dryden

CHAPTER THREE THE A-B-C'S OF ANGER CONTROL The central theme of RET is that human beings are uniquely rational, as well as uniquely irrational, animals; that their emotional or psychological disturbances are largely a result of their thinking illogically or irrationally, and that they can minimize most of their emotional or mental unhappiness, ineffectuality, and disturbance if they learn to maximize their rational and minimize their irrational thinking. -Dr. Albert Ellis

Since all emotions, including anger, mainly and more directly stem from our beliefs, self-talks, and core attitudes about a situation, it only makes sense the most natural and efficient way of controlling our anger would be a philosophical (cognitive) approach. Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, has been rightly called the "Godfather" of the cognitivebehavioral revolution in psychotherapy and psycho-education. Dr. Ellis started to develop what we now call REBT in the early 50's when he saw the relationship between his clients' emotional conflicts (anger, depression, anxiety, etc.) and their core irrational beliefs. One of the major goals of REBT is not just to get people to temporarily "feel better," but "get better" by developing a core rational philosophy to bring to life events so that they can appropriately deal with these situations. Rational-Emotive Therapy is a multi-model and comprehensive form of psychotherapy and self-help. For our purposes, I will center on one of the major cognitive techniques used in REBT, the A-B-C's of Emotional Control. In the next chapter, I will add on three other techniques that will allow you to practice and rehearse your new rational beliefs, so that you can drive them deeply into your belief system leading to new emotional/ behavioral habits.

The A-B-C's In Three Parts Part One The first major insight that REBT attempts to teach people is that emotional conflict stems not from the situation itself, but from our beliefs, selftalks, philosophy that we have towards the event. Unfortunately, many people believe just the opposite is true, that a life event or situation directly makes them upset or angry. Using the A-B-C system, they think the following:

These "gut thinkers" strongly believe that (A) Activating Events cause their emotional upsetness at (C) Emotional Consequences. Now of course our emotional consequences, have something to do with situations or events that

I wish you well in your anger management program. There is no magic in the world, if one wants to achieve a goal or change a habit it takes hard work and practice. Just simply understanding what to do or what is beneficial does not lead to the desired change. I believe that Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy is an excellent system that offers you a process and a set of concrete techniques that will lead to the change you desire in your role as a teacher or parent. The following thoughts are ones I discuss with my students and clients to help support them in their efforts to develop more effective anger control:

1. Do not expect immediate change in your emotional habits. There always is a lag time when you first start between having new rational thoughts and still feeling some amount of anger. Hang in there until your new rational philosophy starts to sink in more deeply into your belief system and becomes your emotional habit. Keep rehearsing and practicing. 2. The goal of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy is not to "cure" the human condition. Since you are fallible and error prone, you will never have perfect anger control under all conditions for ever. The realistic aim is to take responsibility for your anger and work towards the reduction of the frequency, intensity, and duration of your angry responses. 3. Rational means realistic, logical, and flexible-appropriate emotions in degree and kind. Don't pretend that your pleased or satisfied when you are not. It makes sense to be frustrated, annoyed, concerned, and determined if your students or kids are not behaving correctly. This will motivate you to do something positive instead of over-reacting with Anger or Low Frustration Tolerance. 4. It still is better to "button your lip" if you know that you have angered yourself than to do or say something you will regret later. Be a mature model by saying to the individual; "I have upset myself over what you have done. I'm going to clam myself down first then we will deal with this a little later." There's no shame to honestly admit your thinking irrationally. You are not perfect. So what? You can work yourself through the A-B-C's to gain better control. 5. Don't give up so quickly! Emotional habits do not form overnight, neither will your new habits develop by tomorrow. I often tell my clients and stu-

take place in our lives. As I like to teach my clients and students, nothing or nobody directly upsets you or hurts your emotional feelings unless they hit you over the head with a brick. Then you could easily prove that the (A) Activating Event (brick hitting skull) directly causes at (C) Emotional Consequences (pain, hurt, fractured skull).

CHAPTER FIVE FINAL COMMENTS Just being with other people can't help. Undirected anger conversations in coffee room talk can cause you to get more angry. Because you just talk about your nagging problems and they just talk about their nagging problems and it's just going to get worse and get both of you convinced that everything's terrible.

That's what in science is called a causal relationship. When it comes to our (C) Emotional Consequences, there is not a direct causal relationship between (A) Activating Events and how we respond emotionally. There is always a mediating process or intervening factors called our (B) Belief System:Mainly

-Charlies Rathbone

and much more directly the causal relationship is between our (B) Belief System and our (C) Emotional Consequences. There are two major reasons why it seems to people that (A) Activating Event directly causes (C) Emotional Consequences: 1. The emotional consequences we experience happen so quickly after a life event it does not seem possible there could be anything in between. 2. The thinking part of an emotional consequence is what is called "automatic" in REBT, which means that it seems to people that there are no "thoughts," but just feelings. The fact is that whenever you experience a strong emotion, you're thinking or saying something strongly to yourself. Any time you have strong thoughts about something, you also feel a strong emotion in your gut. Watch what happens when three people are faced with the same (A) Activating Event but bring very different (B) Belief Systems to this event:

Person 1 Activating Event

Belief System

The bus scheduled to stop at the bus stop goes right by. How dare they screw up! Why that bastard bus driver! It really pisses me off when things don't go the way they should! I can't stand this crap!

1. Vividly and clearly picture the situation with all the unpleasant details as you can. 2. Start telling your strong, powerful rational coping statements. 3. Only allow yourself to feel appropriate emotions based on your rational coping statements. 4. Keep practicing your rational coping statements and appropriate emotions until you are performance confident.

Emotional Consequences Anger - Low Frustration Tolerance Person 2 Activating Event

The bus scheduled to stop at the bus stop goes right by.

Belief System

If I'm late one more time my boss said he's going to fire me, and that's going to be terrible. I can't bear the thought of facing my wife if I get fired. What a loser I am. I always screw everything up.

Emotional Consequences Anxiety, depression Person 3 Activating Event

The bus scheduled to stop at the bus stop goes right by.

Belief System

Well, I just read that book by London. True, this is unpleasant, but not the end of the world. Tough, I don't like the mistake made by the bus driver, but he has the right to be wrong. Stop whining, being a few minutes late is bearable.

Emotional Consequences Frustration, displeasure, acceptance All were responding to the same (A) Activating Event, but the type and the intensity of their (C) Emotional Consequences, mainly and more directly, stemmed from their (B) individual Belief System. Remember: When you say to yourself that they pissed you off, made you angry, or hurt your feelings, you're choosing not to control your self-created emotional upsetness over the situation.

thinking them to yourself. 2. Follow the irrational beliefs with your rational coping statements in an evocative, powerful style to try to sound more convincing than your old irrational beliefs. 3. Play the tape back to yourself and pretend you're a member of an audience listening to two actors recite their lines. If the rational actor does not sound at least as good, if not better, as the irrational actor in regards to strength, power, and conviction then erase the tape and go back to step one. 4. If you sound convincing, play the tape on a daily basis and use it as a model for study and practice.

Rational-Emotive Imagery (REI) There are two ways to use Rational-Emotive Imagery, either positive or negative. Dr. Ellis tends to emphasize negative imagery in that it teaches how to tolerate an unpleasant situation and your own negative emotion in reaction to it. (This decreases Low Frustration Tolerance and Anger.) The assumption is that if you can learn to cope with the worst possible situation and convince yourself that even if you do upset yourself initially, you can calm yourself down, you're just about ready for anything. Here's how to use Rational-Emotive Negative Imagery: 1. Vividly and clearly, picture the situation with all the unpleasant details. 2. Let yourself distinctly feel any emotions or sensations such as Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement. 3. After really getting into the unpleasant emotion and feeling it for a couple of minutes, push yourself to change your feeling to appropriate displeasure, annoyance, concern, sorrow, etc. 4. Keep working on changing your emotional reaction until you are aware of a true feeling of change. Discover which rational coping statements are the most effective and keep practicing them. I teach Rational-Emotive Positive Imagery slightly differently than Dr. Ellis. My version is for the person to first get down on paper his rational coping statements and do the following procedure:

INSIGHT #1: IT IS ALWAYS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW YOU EMOTIONALLY REACT TO A LIFE EVENT. THEY DO WHAT THEY DO, BUT YOU CHOOSE HOW YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL ABOUT IT.

Part Two The second major insight that REBT attempts to teach people is that there is a limited number of categories of irrational beliefs that cause and maintain emotional disturbance. An individual can have many beliefs that are not realistic or make that much sense, but REBT is only interested in the beliefs that are central and direct in causing emotional conflict. The next step in using the A-B-C system is to identify these irrational beliefs so we can (D) Dispute them and replace them with more (E) Effective rational thoughts and feelings. Fortunately, there are only a limited number of irrational beliefs to look for or uncover so we can start to restructure them for better emotional control: Irrational Categories (B) Belief System

1. Irrational demands or commands 2. I can't stand it or awfulizing beliefs 3. Damning others, situations, or ourselves

These are all "hot" thoughts in that they would lead to (C) Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, and Revenge/Damnation. My students and clients find it helpful to uncover these irrational thoughts when I explain to them the concept of "chains of beliefs" in their (B) Belief System; In your belief system, you normally start by saying something rational like: (B) I don't deserve this...I don't like it one bit...I wish they would cut it out...Not now, I don't want to deal with this... Notice these are all statements of preferences, desires, and wants, and if you were saying this to yourself and no more than this, the logical conclusion would be realistic frustration and annoyance. You have to be saying more than that to make yourself angry and intolerant. Let's look further into your "chain of beliefs" until we hit on your automatic deeper hot thoughts:

(B) ...Not now, I don't want to deal with this...How dare they act this way when I told them to stop (irrational demand)...I can't stand this shit any more (Low Frustration Tolerance)...Those little bastards (Damnation)...I'll get them for upsetting me (revenge). If you keep questioning yourself throughout your entire chain of beliefs, you will uncover the irrational beliefs you keep slipping in underneath your rational beliefs. Examples of self-statements in each category of Irrational Beliefs: 1. Irrational Demands or Commands

it? Where's the evidence? Why must or should it be? I don't like this...I wish he didn't have this stubborn attitude at times...this is inconveniencing me. He must listen to his father! I can't stand it that he won't obey! That little shit! I'll show him he can't act this way! What an idiot I am if I can't get my own son to obey me! (D) Disputing:

Why must he listen to me? Well, he does not have to even if it would be what I want.

How dare they!

Where's the evidence that I can't stand what I don't like?

They can't do this because I say so!

There is none, I won't die - it's just in convenient.

They must not because it's not right! They have to listen to me!

Prove that he's a bad kid or I'm an idiot because of his behavior!

Do it because I say so! They have no right, therefore they can't! 2. Low Frustration Tolerance Beliefs I can't bear it! It's driving me crazy!

He's not a bad kid, he just acts stubborn at times and I'm not an idiot because I got a kid who acts this way. 4. Now you go to (E) the new Effective Emotion and Behavior by creating rational coping statements and practicing them: I wish he would listen to me, but he does not have to. It's a pain in the ass when he acts this way, but not the end of the world.

I can't stand it anymore!

Be cool. He's not a shit, just a kid doing what kids do sometimes.

This is awful!

Nonsense! His stubborn attitude does not make me an idiot, just a dad trying to get to work on time. What are my best choices to try to get him to cooperate?

I can't handle this anymore! It's too hard to deal with! This is killing me!

End Result: ONLY Realistic Frustration and Annoyance

3. Damnation (towards self, others, situations) This person is a louse who deserves to get it! You're a bastard for treating me this way! I hate you for upsetting me! Remember: When you have created (C) Emotional Consequences of Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement, there are irrational "hot"

Tape Recording Technique After you have your set of rational coping statements developed, another technique which allows you to practice a new way of thinking is the taperecording procedure. Here are the steps: 1. Read aloud your irrational beliefs in the emotional manner you would be

Anger Log Now that you are familiar with the A-B-C system, the next logical step is to practice this approach until you get a level of proficiency at anger control. To be able to take the A-B-C theory and use it for Rational-Emotive Behavior Self Help (RESH), I strongly advise you to start a daily anger log. Anytime that you know that you have angered yourself, even if it's after the fact, you work yourself through the A-B-C's for the following reasons: 1. By externalizing your (B) Belief System, you will be more likely to be able to identify your irrational beliefs. 2. It slows you down and forces you to see what your thoughts were during the (A) Activating Event. 3. Even if it is after the fact, by writing it down we can learn from what mistakes we made so we can do better next time. 4. The anger log is a form of practice that will allow you to develop a new rational philosophy to take to the next (A) Activating Event.

thoughts somewhere in your (B) "Chain of Beliefs." So keep on looking for them! INSIGHT #2: THERE ARE ONLY THREE TYPES OF IRRATIONAL "HOT" BELIEFS YOU HAVE TO UNCOVER SO THAT YOU CAN "COOL" YOURSELF DOWN BY (D) DISPUTING THESE IRRATIONAL BELIEFS.

Part Three The third major insight of REBT is that after you identify your irrational "hot" thoughts you have to go on to (D) Disputing them in a vigorous, strong, and consistent fashion. Most of you can quickly, "intellectually" understand how you create your anger, but still will often feel or act in the same old destructive way. How can this be? Because just having insight or awareness of what your irrational beliefs are means that once in a while, in a soft, meek, and infrequent way you know what the right way to think is. BUT

These are the steps to use the A-B-C model for your anger log. Example:

1. Write down (A) Activating Event in a succinct manner. I often tell my clients and students to pretend a camera and audio tape has recorded the (A) and just put that down on paper. I wanted to leave for work on time and my son would not get ready because he wanted to watch TV. 2. Write down the (C) Emotional Consequences. These are just the correct emotional and behavioral labels. Low Frustration Tolerance, Anger, Ego Involvement 3. Write down the (B) which is all your Beliefs or self-statements. The reason you first write down (C) and then (B) is two fold: First, in an emotional habit, the beliefs are so automatic and quick that you would not know what to look for immediately. Second, the A-B-C theory states there are only a limited amount of irrational beliefs that lead to anger. If you know the (C), it will lead to looking for the correct type of irrational beliefs to look for. Now you take all the beliefs you have written down and start to dispute your irrational beliefs by asking yourself these three questions. Can you prove

Most of the time you still believe strongly, deeply, and frequently your irrational "hot" thoughts that lead to your emotional habit. There will be lag time between "knowing better" and "feeling better" until you take the intellectual insight (what your irrational beliefs are) and (D) Dispute them vigorously enough times to gain control and develop a new emotional habit. What (D) Disputing really means is you're going to, in a hard-headed and passionate fashion, challenge, attack, and try to rip up the irrational beliefs in your (B) Belief System. RET believes that you have the ability and the capacity to use your intelligence and reasoning ability to accomplish this. Just as a scientist tests an assumption against evidence or logic to see if it has any validity, you're going to question yourself about your irrational beliefs to disprove them so that they won't lead to an emotional conflict. The major process of (D) Disputing is based on the following scientific questions: (D) Disputing: Demands Question: Why must people live up to my desires or make life easier for

me? Answer: They don't have to, unfortunately, make our life easier. Question: Where is the evidence that people cannot choose to act in ways I find unfair or unpleasant? Answer: Reality is people can choose to act badly. We have lots of evidence to sadly prove this. Question: Can I prove that people must and have to live up to my personal standards and desires? Answer: No, I can't prove that at all, even though I wish they would, and I don't like when they don't.

CHAPTER FOUR ADJUNCT TECHNIQUES FOR ANGER CONTROL Sometimes you get angry simply because it is the one thing you have always done in a certain kind of situation. As you learn alternative ways of reacting to provocations that don't involve anger, you will be less inclined to react with anger. -Dr. Ray Novaco

(D) Disputing: Low Frustration Tolerance Question: Why can't I stand what I don't like or find unpleasant? Answer: There is no reason. I just find it unpleasant, not intolerable. Question: Where is the evidence that I can't stand what I don't like? Answer: There is none. The only evidence would be that I could not survive it at all or life would not be worth living in anyway forever because of this unpleasant situation. Question: Can I prove that this is unbearable or intolerable? Answer: Nope, for every time I say I can't stand this, I do, even though I make myself more upset. I still survive. (D) Disputing: Damnation Question: Why is anybody a shit who deserves to be punished or hurt for acting badly? Answer: They are not totally, lousy people for acting badly. You don't have to like them for their actions, but to hate them hurts you. Question: Where is the evidence that they only do rotten things and therefore deserve to suffer? Answer: They do good and bad things. When individuals act badly they do it for three reasons: (1) ignorance, (2) deficiency, or (3) disturbance. It

I don't control anybody, so it's not my fault if they choose to act badly. I stubbornly refuse to base my self-acceptance on someone's else stupid behavior. Anyone is entitled to his opinion, but I don't have to agree with it. Even if I made a mistake, it just proves I'm human not a rotten person. It's OK to admit that some people won't cooperate with me. Does anyone get compliance from everybody? Nonsense, my friend's/family member's behavior most of the time has little to do with me, but what they decide to do for their own reasons. I don't have to prove anything to anybody in order to accept myself. If they think less of me because of this person's behavior, that's his problem. I don't have to make it mine.

makes no sense to "damn" a person for having problems even though we dislike their actions. Question: Can I prove that they are total lousy and will never change and deserve to roast in hell forever? Answer: Hardly, the most you objectively can say is they do rotten things now, but, that does not prove they can only do rotten things forever. Also, hell probably does not exist, so I don't have to waste time waiting for them to roast in it. (D) Disputing: Ego Involvement Question: Why must I be able to control other people's behaviors? Answer: There is no reason that you must do anything just because you prefer to . Secondly, nobody has direct control over anybody else's behavior. Question: Where is the evidence that I am a shitty person because they act badly and will not cooperate with me? Answer: There is none. The only thing it proves is your not getting what you want or being treated fairly. Question: Prove it that their behavior is a reflection of what I am as a human being. Answer: It is not a direct reflection on you; it is a reflection on them and their behavior. Remember: (D) Disputing is an action step. It is highly desirable to challenge, attack, rip up, and go after your irrational "hot" thoughts over and over again until you do not strongly believe or feel them. INSIGHT #3: JUST KNOWING THAT YOU ANGER YOURSELF WITH IRRATIONAL BELIEFS DOES NOT LEAD TO ANGER CONTROL UNLESS YOU ACTIVELY (D) DISPUTE THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN. The last step in the A-B-C's of anger control is for you to develop an (E) a new Effective rational set of beliefs that would lead to an appropriate emotional response to the (A) Activating Event. I like to call these new rational

beliefs either "coping" statements or "cool" thoughts because that's exactly what they allow you to do, "stay cool" and (E) Effectively cope with the situation. If you meekly and infrequently practice your rational coping statements, they will not effect your (C) Emotional Consequences to any great degree. Rehearse and practice and rehearse and practice and rehearse and practice until you drive them more deeply and strongly into your (B) Belief System and bring this new rational philosophy to your (A) Activating Event. In the next chapter, I will go over three different techniques that will allow you to be able to practice thinking and feeling in a rational manner so that the chances will go up that you won't anger yourself at all. If you do, you will be able to catch yourself and quickly calm down. The following is what I call a Glossary of (E) Effective rational coping statements or "cool" thoughts. These rational coping statements are included for you to have examples to use to develop your own "cool" thoughts.

Glossary of (E) Effective Coping Statements Rational Coping Statements For Demands:

Rational Coping Statements for Low Frustration Tolerance: Tough shit! I can stand anything including . . . True, it's unpleasant, but not unbearable. It's bad enough. Why needlessly make it worse by saying I can't stand what I don't like. Cut the whining! It's just a pain in my ass, not the end of the world. This is a hassle, not a fate worse than death.

I can bear this just keep thinking "cooly" about it. Remember, it could be hundreds of paper cuts on my eyes, or having my fingers slowly cut off. This is only unpleasant, not even close to totally bad. Relax. This is annoying, but I can deal with it. Rational Coping Statements For Damnation & Revenge: I don't like their attitude, but I don't have to hate them. Yes, this person does do rotten things, but that does not make him a totally rotten person. Their behavior proves that they have a problem. Why damn people for having a problem?

It would be better. I wish they would but they don't have to. It would be more desirable, but it's their choice. They don't have to do what I say. I don't control the world, so I'll stop trying. People have the right to be wrong. There's no rule in the universe that says others have to do the right thing. I'll never like it when they act this way, but it's their choice not mine. People can do things I don't like. Tough! What are my choices now? Stop it! They don't have to act the way I want just because I want it. The world does not have to give me pleasant conditions. Tough!

I choose to tolerate them in spite of what they do because that's better for me than carrying around resentment. I don't have to like them, but I'll choose to forgive them for being ignorant, deficient or disturbed. If they were really rotten to the core, they could never change at all, and we know that they can change at least somewhat. They are not shits, but people with problems who act badly. To try to get back at them is wrong and two wrongs never make a right. I upset myself over what they did, so why blame them for my choice. Rational Coping Statements For Ego Involvement: Their behavior is a reflection on them not me.

Glossary of (E) Effective Coping Statements Rational Coping Statements For Demands:

These are the steps to use the A-B-C model for your anger log. Example:

Why must he listen to me? Well, he does not have to even if it would be what I want.

How dare they!

Where's the evidence that I can't stand what I don't like?

They can't do this because I say so!

There is none, I won't die - it's just in convenient.

They must not because it's not right! They have to listen to me!

Prove that he's a bad kid or I'm an idiot because of his behavior!

Do it because I say so! They have no right, therefore they can't! 2. Low Frustration Tolerance Beliefs I can't bear it! It's driving me crazy!

I can't stand it anymore!

Be cool. He's not a shit, just a kid doing what kids do sometimes.

This is awful!

Nonsense! His stubborn attitude does not make me an idiot, just a dad trying to get to work on time. What are my best choices to try to get him to cooperate?

I can't handle this anymore! It's too hard to deal with! This is killing me!

End Result: ONLY Realistic Frustration and Annoyance

INSIGHT #1: IT IS ALWAYS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW YOU EMOTIONALLY REACT TO A LIFE EVENT. THEY DO WHAT THEY DO, BUT YOU CHOOSE HOW YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL ABOUT IT.

1. Irrational demands or commands 2. I can't stand it or awfulizing beliefs 3. Damning others, situations, or ourselves

Person 1 Activating Event

Belief System

Emotional Consequences Anger - Low Frustration Tolerance Person 2 Activating Event

The bus scheduled to stop at the bus stop goes right by.

Belief System

Emotional Consequences Anxiety, depression Person 3 Activating Event

The bus scheduled to stop at the bus stop goes right by.

Belief System

-Charlies Rathbone

CHAPTER SIX WORKSHEETS

Neurotic simply means that a person is making a bad situation worse than it already is. -Dr. Paul Hauck

First, you take this relatively unpleasant event and you make it totally bad:

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

John left his work station when asked not to and laughed at me when I asked him to go back and sit down.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement

(B) (1) How dare he try to show me up! (2) I'll show him that he can't get away with this! (3) It's awful that I got stuck with dealing with this worker on my shift! (D)

If you convince yourself that something is intolerable or unbearable, as you would by thinking the above beliefs, you do two things that are totally wrong and make no sense at all.

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Daughter started to cry in Burger King when we were in line. People noticed her crying and being upset.

(C)

Ego Involvement, Anger

(B)

(D)

ANGER'S EMOTIONAL BEDFELLOWS; LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE AND EGO INVOLVEMENT

Learn to ignore (tolerate) what you can't control, and learn to control what you can. -Dr. Peter Hanson

It's not reality itself that's the problem. We all suffer difficult realities, but it's how you see reality that makes the difference. -Dr. Martin Seligman

SUMMARY OF MAJOR DISADVANTAGES OR ADVANTAGES FOR EXPRESSING ANGER

SITUATION I teach work skills to new employees. What pisses me off is not that they don't do the work, but they are actually proud of not making any effort at all and still expect to get paid.

DISADVANTAGES

ADVANTAGES

(A) Activating Event

Questions: How many life-threatening situations do you have at home or at school?

(D) Disputing

The effects of angry outbursts, lose their power very quickly. When the threatening or screaming does not work what do you do then?

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Won't do work and actually seems happy about this.

(C)

Low Frustration Tolerance, Anger

(B) (1) I can't stand seeing people waste my time! (2) They must care about keeping their jobs! (3) What fucking idiots for not using their brains and learning some thing!

(D) (1) Prove, that I can't stand something I don't like. (2) Where is the evidence they must do what I think is the best for them?

(3) Why are they fucking idiots for not acting maturely vs. just people acting immaturely. (E)

It's sad for me to see that they don't care but I can stand it.

(B) Irrational "HOT" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Barb came home three and a half hours lat and did not call and didn't think she did anything wrong.

(C)

Low Frustration Tolerance, Anger

(B)

2. I can't stand that somebody acted in such an irresponsible and unjust manner. 3. How awful for this to have happened to me when I don't deserve it!

1. How dare they! They must not behave in such a way!

I will never approve of her attitude, but I can bear it. I don't control my wife. It's her choice to act maturely or immaturely. I don't have to put her down for acting defensively towards me.

1. I don't like this at all. 2. I wish this was not so. 3. I'll never approve of this behavior, but it is a fact of reality.

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

1. Ringing doorbells to see if I could reach the driver 2. Calling a towing service (D) Disputing

3. Calling the police 4. Calling a friend for a ride 5. Taking a cab or bus Now if frustration mainly comes from the outside in, where does anger come from? Back to the visualization.

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Phone call from a family member who cussed me out and then hung up on me.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance

(B) (1) He had no right to treat me this way! (2) I can't stand it when people blame me unfairly! (3) What a Mother-Fucker for upsetting me!

I don't like his accusations, but he can say what he wants.

CHAPTER ONE DEFINITIONS

(A) Activating Event

-Epictetus, Philosopher, Second Century A.D. A person who has angered himself should dig two graves, not just one. He will injure himself as much, if not more, than the enemy he seeks to destroy.

(B) Irrational "Hot" Toughts

-A Tao Philosopher?

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Told my wife not to let our son use the car unless he first cuts the grass, and she still let him use the car.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement

TABLE OF CONTENTS

(B) (1) She should have done what I told her! (2) It's terrible that she let him get away with this!

Chapter One:

Definitions

Chapter Two:

Anger's Emotional Bedfellows:

(3) She made me look like a fool!

Low Frustration Tolerance and

(D)

(E)

I wish she had been more firm, but that does not mean she can't make a mistake.

Chapter Three:

The A-B-C's of Anger Control

Chapter Four:

Adjunct Techniques for Anger

Control Chapter Five:

Final Comments

Chapter Six:

Worksheets

This is only a hassle, not the end of the world. Her decision is not a reflection on me, but a mistake that she made by not being firm with our son.

SITUATION One of the clients in my self-help group started to tease another client about being fat. I just lost it and really started to scream at her for being so cruel. (A) Activating Event

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

One client started to tease another client about being fat.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance

(B) (1) How dare she be so cruel! (2) I can't bear seeing someone picked on! (3) She's a shit for teasing somebody! (D)

I will always strongly disapprove of this type of behavior, but kids can act this way.

It's tough for me to see this type of behavior, but I can bear it and deal with it in a calm way. No, she's not a shit, but a person with problems.

Advice is an opinion or way to look at what to do or how to handle a given situation. An effective approach to reduce anger would always include two parts in the following order:

(1) Easy, there's no evidence that people must act the way I desire. (2) Why can't I bear what I don't like? (3) Does she deserve to be damned for acting immaturely? (E)

INTRODUCTION

A process of emotional control.

Verbal and behavioral strategies to positively influence other people's behavior.

Take a lot of drugs-but remember the physical and psychological consequences of doing so.

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Found out my son was lying to me about his grades in school.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance, Ego Involvement

(B) (1) How dare he lie to me! (2) I can't tolerate him lying to me! (3) What an idiot I am to had believed him! (D)

(1) Can I prove that my son can't do what I don't like? (2) I would be dead if I could not tolerate something. (3) Why am I an idiot for trusting my son when I had no reason not to? (E)

Slow down. I wish he had not lied tome, but he did. Let's deal with his mistake now. It's sad that he chose to lie, but it's not the end of the world.

I'm not going to put myself down for trusting my son. He's the one who acted badly not me.

(B) Irrational "Hot" Thoughts

(D) Disputing

(E) Effective Coping Statements

(A)

Unfair evaluation from my boss.

(C)

Anger, Low Frustration Tolerance

(B) (1) She can't do this to me! (2) I can't stand it that she thinks she's always right! (3) She's a bitch who deserves to get it! (D)

(1) Why can't she do what I don't like? (2) Prove that I'll die because of her lousy attitude.

(E)

Thanks

(3) Is she a bitch or a person with a problem for acting this way?

To Dr. Albert Ellis, the "Godfather" of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

I wish she was different, but she does not have to be the way I prefer. Tough!

To Amor, who brings great joy to my life. Finally, to Goose, chief editor and CEO of Garfield Press, Inc.

It's only unpleasant, nothing close to intolerable. I don't like her attitude, but I chose not to hate her for having a problem.

The MISSION of ABOVE and BEYOND To offer sustainable change to those struggling with alcohol and drug abuse through innovative, evidence-based modalities that heal the body, mind and soul.

RAGE

HOW WE DO IT

A Rational-Emotive Behavior Approach

Terry London, M.S.

 www.anb.today  773.940.2960 