Decussate. Issue one.

DECUSSATE Issue No. 1

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Spring 2018

THE WORK ISSUE Payasa How to Speak Fearlessly How I Met My Mother decussate x spring ‘18

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THE INTERSECT X

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WELCOME TO DECUSSATE MAGAZINE Decussate is a an intersectional feminist magazine focusing on the arts and sciences. The purpose of this magazine originated from a noticed lack of focus on the most central parts of feminism in the media. We created this magazine as a platform for everyone to voice their opinions, thoughts, research, and ideas.

This magazine was made; for the black and brown women who are fed up of seeing white feminism take the lead in media and politics; for the youth who feel that their thoughts are only limited to what their peers say on social media; for the people who are too afraid to speak up about sexual abuse and sexual harassment; for the men who feel that their emotions must be caged and tucked away because of toxic masculinity; for the trans and queer community who want to talk about gender as more than just a spectrum, but as an ideology; for artists who are afraid to show their work because it might expose their most difficult and painful stories; for the people who choose to reach out and give advice to others who need it the most; for the people who are sick and tired of seeing so little change in their community and their nation.

This magazine was made for people who believe that feminism is more than just reaching equality for men and women, that feminism and intersectionality exist on the same plane. This magazine is for all of us.

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THE PHOTOGRAPHER Franceska Carbajal is one of the six women who are featured in A Woman’s Work. Franceska is a self taught photographer who at 23, is slowly learning how important it is to constatnly nuture her passion. Her work is rarely boring and often times romantic. Her ability to understand lighting, skin tone, framing and emotion without even looking at Google or a textbook, puts her in a league of her own.

Photo by: Franceska Carbajal Model: Folasade Abike

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TABLE OF CONTENTS X 10. THE WORK ISSUE

20. A WOMAN’S WORK

This is the WORK issue. For our inaugural issue, our Founder wanted to give us a background on how this magazine came to be and what pop song inspired her to do more for herself and others.

Yes, obviously Maxwell inspired the title. Six interviews with six hardworking women. These women are changing what it means to have it all.

12. HOW TO SPEAK FEARLESSLY

“Today the system will fail me as it has failed so many innocent before me. His mother may feign shock, but his past reveals she has suffered the same violence that is my end.”

The confidence a woman holds in communication is a key to success in the workplace. Keena Jeffery guides us on how to continuously strengthen this essential skill.

16. HOW I MET MY MOTHER Journalist Lillian Stone talks about her journey in understanding her mother in one of the most difficult political times in recent years.

52. OUR TIME

54. POLITICS Andrew J. Haener is a cartoonist and illustrator who has mapped out a way for us to discuss politics in the most beautiful way.

MASTHEAD X FOUNDER & CREATIVE DIRECTOR Monica Valenzuela

EDITOR Natalie Stevens

WRITERS

Keena Jeffrey Lillian Stone Monica Valenzuela

ILLUSTRATORS Cristin Cornal AJ Haener

PHOTOGRAPHERS Edgar Ramirez Erika Campbell Adrienne Barnett Ivan Alonso

CONTACT/SUBMISSIONS/ADS info@decussatemag.com

SPECIAL THANKS

October Custom Publishing Torquil Dewar Shelley Lai

ON THE COVER:

Cynthia Muñoz and Andie Flores are the creative duo PAYASA. Gracing both covers, you can find their interview on page 40 as a part of our A Woman’s Work feature

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ANY TIME. ANY PLACE. DECUSSATEMAG.COM

THIS IS THE WORK ISSUE I’m the type of person who is a talker but not really a doer. I’ve never been good at the follow-through. I’m the person who says, “lets collab!” then act like I don’t know you a week later. I was so fed up with that mentality. I wanted and needed more from myself.

On January 1st, 2018, I told myself that this year, I was going to become a doer.

I had been working on this magazine for the better part of 2017 and realized I had been making excuses for myself to not finish it. I was becoming frustrated with myself.

I wanted to change and I wanted to do better, but I was constantly hitting a wall. One day I decided to sit down at my desk and start working on this magazine. I was lacking creativity and wasn’t getting inspiration, so I thought I’d start by listening to some music.

I put on one of my Spotify playlists, hit shuffle, and the first song that played was “Work”

by Rihanna.

I sat there at my desk with a perplexed look on my face as if I were listening to the song for the first time. I always thought the song was about putting in work on the dancefloor, or putting work in a relationship. But in that moment it was like the universe (and Rihanna) was telling me, personally “you haffi put in work, work, work, work, work”. It might have been the beat or the repeatitiveness of the word “work”, but some sort of switch had flipped in my brain that gave me a rush of inspiration. I began laying out the foundation for the magazine and wrote down in my journal “this is the work issue”.

All I’ve ever wanted was to create a platform like this. But I was getting in the way of it all. I stopped letting this magazine be so self-serving and decided to turn it into a celebration of everyone who believes in inclusiveness. I wanted to dedicate this first issue to all the women who put in work everyday. These past few years, I have met so many people who have lit a fire under me. So I wanted to dedicate this first issue to them, to Rihanna, and to any one else who has to put in work.

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Monica Valenzuela Founder

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THIS IS THE

WORK ISSUE

Work, work, work, work, work, work He said me haffi Work, work, work, work, work, work!

He see me do mi Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt!

So me put in Work, work, work, work, work, work

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how to

SPEAK

fearlessly

A Woman’s success in the workplace relies on how confidently she communicates.

Constantly strengthening that skill is essential in order to go all the way to the top.

WRITTEN BY Keena Jefferey ILLUSTRATION BY Monica Valenzuela 12

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here is something extremely vulnerable about speaking your mind. I often hear that public speaking is the most commonly shared fear. Why? Because we know that the moment we voice our words in the presence of others, we can’t take back anything they just heard. Our words will be subject to the affirmation or rejection of each individual listener. Our opinions, beliefs, and ideas become exposed for everyone to know. Speaking freely, or speaking our truth, brings with it a lot of risks to consider in the workplace. When we want to offer new creative ideas, allow others to get to know us, have critical conversations, or voice concerns, we often allow our right of free expression to be inhibited.

I wish I could say that I have always been comfortable speaking freely, but the reality is that I learned to fear honest communication at a very young age. I was raised to follow the direction of authority figures without question, and certainly without spoken opposition, regardless of whether I felt something was right or wrong. As I grew older, I found relationships that were woven with this restrictive interaction (both personal and professional), because it was familiar.

I finally realized I had allowed others to construct my life to be everything but what would make me happy, and I knew it was time to for me to rise above it. My journey to consciously become a fearless, outspoken person has been quite an experience over the last several years of my life. This process unceasingly molds me; and while it is every bit of rewarding, it can be a difficult path to take. But let me emphasize again…it is by far the most liberating and fulfilling path.

Today, I want to share with you some valuable steps I learned to help you achieve fearless communication in every facet of your life.

ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE AN INNER VOICE. You don’t need to be afraid of it. It’s easy to hit the “off button” on your inner voice when you have to push through a tough job, or protect a tense relationship. Sometimes you imagine that speaking your mind will only lead to retaliation against you. But fear often convinc-

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es us that someone else’s voice is more important than ours, or that we’ll remain on safer ground if we ignore what burdens our hearts or stirs in our minds. It’s not safer there, it’s just more miserable there. We exhaust our energy and precious time trying to suppress the thoughts and feelings that arise without notice. They arise because something within us is asking us to align with them. Ignoring your inner voice doesn’t make it go away, it just makes you more quietly disheartened.

So, instead of pretending it isn’t there, courageously acknowledge that it is.

HEAR OUT YOUR INNER VOICE. You don’t have to agree with it right away. Just hear out the thoughts that are already there - the good, the bad and the ugly. Part of overcoming that personal fear of speaking is gaining clarity about what you want to say. Take personal quiet time to listen to all that your inner self wants to say, without edit, self-judgment or reservation. When and where did these thoughts and feelings begin? Have they intensified? Why or why not? Honor yourself by opening up space for yourself.

Once you have a roomier perspective of your inner workings, you can decide what does or doesn’t truly reflect who you are or what you believe, and what you want to own or discard. You can take these private moments to sort out what you want to say in a way that best represents you.

OWN YOUR PERSONAL TRUTHS. Life is too short to wander around questioning your worth and validation. You are enough. At the most simple truth, because you are alive, you deserve the same kindness and respect as the next person, both from yourself and others. You were born with a unique identity on this planet and you have every right to exist in the fullness of it. Do not compromise your core beliefs simply to fulfill the demands of someone else.

RELEASE THE LIE THAT YOU MUST REMAIN

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SILENT. You owe it to yourself to break through the barriers that have been put in your way throughout your lifetime.

Maybe your parents never gave you a voice or the kids at school bullied you. Maybe stakes are high for your reputation or a boss threatened you’d lose your job.

Maybe an unhealthy relationship partner didn’t respect you or religious teachings convinced you. Whatever the reason, if you have somehow adopted a belief that it is better to remain silent, then you must not remain silent.

Give that lie back to whomever handed it to you in the first place. You have no use for it anymore, and all that is beautiful within you is ready to be out in the open.

REMEMBER THE POWER IN YOUR WORDS. I have often heard the saying, "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out." Balance your courage with caution. While the goal is to openly and unapologetically express yourself, pay careful attention to our message delivery. Ensure that your motivation to be honest is presented with respect to the place and position of your listener. Your approach can significantly impact the reaction that you receive. I have learned that presenting a message to others with the kindness and respect that I seek for myself will often alleviate a negative response. And while retaliation may be inevitable at times, we can rest assured that we have delivered our message in the most responsible way possible.

The more you practice self-improvement and selfgrowth, things that once seemed like such huge hurdles begin to minimize and eventually can disappear.

Kicking fear to the curb enables you to unashamedly walk in the fullness of all that you are meant to be. As you become more in tune with your internal compass on a daily basis, you can defeat the ongoing threats to your right to speak up. You can be a beam of light that your family, your friends, your workplace, and the world around you needs. Free yourself to do so, and you will empower those who listen to do the same.

WRITERS X

PHOTOGRAPHERS X

ILLUSTRATORS X

DESIGNERS X

ADVERTISERS

INTERESTED IN submitting for DECUSSATE MAG? SEND ALL YOUR AMAZING WORK TO INFO@DECUSSATEMAG.COM

How I Met My Mother WRITTEN BY Lillian Stone

How I learned to accept my mother for who she is—and who she isn’t.

Kelly and Lillian Stone, 1997 16

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am hard on my mother. I think it’s because, as a daughter, it’s difficult for me to accept that my stories begin with hers. My relationship with my mother was nearly destroyed by the 2016 presidential election, when she followed my father’s lead and celebrated—still celebrates, actually—Donald Trump’s victory. Today, reconciling my stories with hers is difficult because my mother’s stories are challenging—even more challenging than her views on class, feminism and the female experience.

My mother’s formative years were harsh and hazy, riddled with abuse and toxic messages about womanhood. Those years continue to shape my mother’s social values—values which, to me, are equal parts upsetting and confounding. After the election, I spent months wondering how a woman—a survivor of trauma, the product of an unstable, low-income household—could have opinions that were so contrary to the needs of women just like her. So, late last year, I decided to find out.

At the time, it seemed like the only possible way to save my relationship with my mother. I wanted to understand her, so I courted her. I took her to lunch. I watched her interact with my father and my siblings. Most importantly, I listened. I listened to my mother’s scattered thoughts and sought the subtext beneath her words. I wanted to get to know my mother—not as the woman who raised me, but as a fellow woman complete with complex experiences that continue to inform her beliefs.

My effort to find the woman behind my mother’s social views led me to a deep well of trauma and memory. More than that, I found a new perspective on the experiences that shape us as women. That perspective has allowed me to accept my mother for who she is—and who she is not.

MY MOTHER IS: A TRAUMA SURVIVOR A child of the mid-1960s, my mother grew up wearing miniskirts, listening to Earth, Wind and Fire and smoking copious amounts of kush.

It’s important to note that she also grew up cradling her younger sister night after night as her alcoholic father verbally and physically abused her mother. I can only recall meeting her father—my grandfather— three times, even though we live in the same town. When I graduated from high school, he mailed me a $20 bill tucked inside a Hallmark

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card. He had scrawled “I’m proud of you” inside.

As she grew past girlhood, my mother tumbled into a string of abusive relationships. By the time she met my father, a professional golfer with deeply conservative Oklahoma roots, she was battling depressive episodes that would lead to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

They dated for less than a year before marrying. I came two years later.

Susan Crisman (grandmother) and Kelly Stone, 1968

MY MOTHER IS: A SERVANT My mother is obsessively clean. These days, she’s temporarily banned from the apartment I share with my partner—we are clean, but we are not spotless— because the disdain she casts upon entering is nearly unbearable. Most days, she spends between eight and 10 hours at her job as a nail technician. She rarely schedules time to eat lunch and is usually exhausted, hungry and frustrated by the time she comes home to my father and my two teenage siblings. That’s when she starts dinner and tidies the house, oftentimes cleaning until she collapses on the couch around 9 p.m.

I recently discovered that these habits aren’t the result of a naturally tidy nature. They’re the result of my mother’s lifelong responsibility as the keeper of the home. Her hard-partying parents left her to cook, clean and raise her younger sister until she left home at 18, and she still spends the vast majority of her time caring for other people.

Early this year, we spent an unseasonably warm Saturday at the park together. I was surprised that she was willing to give up her Saturday, which is usually spent scrubbing baseboards and mopping floors while my father sleeps in until mid-afternoon. She had hired a cleaning service, she told me. It was her first time in months spending a Saturday outside of the home. I feel like a new person, she said, tearing up with relief. I feel like I can do anything.

Despite her exhaustion from the physical and emotional labor she bears at home, my mother clings to the biblical idea that one’s husband is meant to be the head of the household. She clings to the idea that ser18

vitude is, as she puts it, a Christlike mentality. It’s how I was raised, she says, her spine permanently bent from bending over the fingernails of the wealthy women she tends to six days a week.

MY MOTHER IS NOT: A FEMINIST I was 18 when my mother and I had our first frank conversation about sexuality. It was my freshman year of college, and I was home for a long weekend. We were driving to the grocery stores, and she asked me about my older boyfriend. He was 23, tall and extremely condescending. I was smitten. What was he like?, she asked. What did we like to do together? “We go out to dinner a lot,” I told her. “And sometimes we have sex.”

I made my voice very small, looking at her out of the corner of my eye, equal parts excited and dreading telling my secret. I hadn’t told anyone, and I was dying to share it with her. I cracked a smile, thinking that it was no big deal. She looked over at me, disappointment shattering her previously carefree expression. She furrowed her brow. “Are you serious?,” she asked. “You don’t think you’ll regret that when you get married? Not being pure for your husband?”

I was crushed, but I was more surprised. My moth-

er had shared bits and pieces of her sexual history with me—her multiple abortions; her abusive live-in boyfriend who now managed an upscale men’s clothing store. It wasn’t until years later that I realized she had been made to feel ashamed of her sexuality for her entire life. Manipulative boyfriends and hyper-religious messaging had skewed her ownership of her own body, and she was prepared to pass that message—the value of sexual purity, that is—on to my younger sister and me.

MY MOTHER DESERVING COMPASSION

IS: OF

intersectional feminism doesn’t just apply to young, socially-conscious individuals like myself. My mother, despite our differences, deserves the compassion afforded by intersectional feminism. If we want a world that is better for all females and female-identifying individuals, we have to consider even the most challenging perspectives. We have to listen to the stories that hurt.

Women like my mother have been exploited for centuries. They have been forced into back-breaking domestic labor and emotional servitude by Western religion and political ideology. They have been gaslit by their caretakers and loved ones. I see it in the hordes of women who descend upon the grocery stores in my hometown. I see it in my friends’ mothers.

I see it in the middle-aged women who spend their free time in the comment sections of online publications.

They all have one thing in common: a deeply-ingrained responsibility to care for everyone but themselves. They are resistant to progressive social ideology because it is like nothing they have ever known. These womens are not victims; they are simply doing their best, and they are deserving of support.

When my grandmother died, my mother grieved for months. Her biggest worry was that she could have done more to ease her mother’s suffering. That, somehow, complying with more of her mother’s demands would have given her more time. I could have done more for her, she lamented. I could have done more.

“If we want a world that is better for all females and female-identifying individuals, we have to consider even the most challenging perspectives. We have to listen to the stories that hurt.”

My grandmother—my mother’s mother—died almost three years ago. She was a highly influential presence in my life, a fact that I didn’t realize until months after her death. She was also, however, a mentally ill woman with addiction issues and a severe emotional hold on her daughters. She demanded that they bring large amounts of food, movies and flowers to the assisted living facility where she lay slowly rotting from a botched hip replacement. My mother’s younger sister eventually stopped answering her calls, tired of being berated by the devoutly Christian, foul-mouthed, morbidly obese woman who represented her difficult childhood. My mother dutifully kept up with the demands until her death.

During my adolescence, I blamed my mother for a lot. I blamed her distrustful nature for my low self-esteem. I blamed her unstable moods for my controlling tendencies that manifested in painful motor tics. However, speaking to my mother about her trauma is where the blame ended. It was my first step to realizing that

She could not have done more.

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WORK A WOMAN’S

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A Woman’s work can’t be ignored. I interviewed six inspiring women who are flourishing in their field and are unapologetic in their foward movement. These working girls are showing the world what it’s like to have it all.

INTERVIEWS BY Monica Valenzuela

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SADA NAEGELIN THE INNOVATOR

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ada Naegelin and her mother Ana Consuelo Matiella launched their app, De Las Mías TM in January 2018. De Las Mías TM is a healthy lifestyle platform for Latinas in the United States. Latino people are nearly two times more likely to be diagnosed with diabetes and 1.5 times more likely to die from it. Latinas are the hub of the family--to affect Latina health is to impact the health of Latino families.

Sada and her mother realized that their Latino community was hungry for representation and science based facts.

Being Latina, I knew how important this app would be for so many. I knew I had to meet these incredible women. A few weeks back, I visited Portland and met Sada and Ana at Sada’s baby shower. Knowing full well that a baby shower wasn’t the best place for an interview, we planned to set up a phone interview once I got back to Austin.

FAMILY AND CULTURE ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU, SO IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THAT YOUR MOM IS THE CO-CREATOR OF THIS APP. WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO WORK WITH YOUR FAMILY ON THIS VENTURE? Well it was actually a surprise for us to work with each other.

As long as I can remember my mom owned her own business and worked in health and education. She created photonovellas (photo books that help Latinas with low illiteracy educate themselves on their health) for her community and was always passionate about that. I was always a part of the process growing up but I knew that’s not what I wanted to do, I didn’t want to work in health education. I ended up going to school for design. I worked in publication design and for a few design firms for awhile, then decided I wanted to go back to school and ended up going to The California College of the Arts in San Francisco for my MBA in Design Strategy. Around that time, my mom had received a grant for one of her photonovellas.

That garnered some exposure for her, and that’s when the idea of the app started to form. She then decided to apply for a big grant of $1.7 million by the National Institutes of Health.

(National Institutes of Health - National Cancer Institute Small Business Innovation Research program, NCI Grant # 4R44CA177037-02). It was a highly competitive process, but my mother ended up getting the grant.

Once I was finished with school and received my MBA, we

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both realized that we had complimentary skills and we could create this app together. Working with my family is challenging at times but it’s also effortless, if that makes any sense.

And it’s not just my mother who helps us: my mothers sister, my tia, works in our test kitchen with our nutritionist to create all of the healthy and flavorful recipes you see in the app. So it really is a family effort and overall, it’s a very special experience for me.

IN A MATTER OF WEEKS YOU WILL BE A NEW MOM. THERE’S PROBABLY A MILLION THINGS THAT ARE GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. WHAT IS ONE PIECE OF ADVICE YOUR MOM HAS GIVEN YOU IN ORDER TO PREPARE FOR YOUR FIRST BORN? Very early on when my mom/boss found out I was expecting, she told me that the next nine months are just about me and the baby. Everything else is second. It wasn’t really advice but it ended up being something important that I needed to remind myself at all times. I would find myself working too much or wanting to put my all into the app but needed to slow down because it would be best for the baby.

Another thing she has shown me in order to prepare for this pregnancy, and actually has perpetuated my whole life, is to learn with intention. Being a researcher and reading tons of books and really retaining as much knowledge as I can. It has really helped my pregnancy and hopefully has prepared me once I become a parent.

WHAT IS ONE PIECE OF ADVICE YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH YOUR CHILD? One of the big lessons I’ve learned is working on fostering acceptance. How to do that as a parent... I’m not sure, haha. But I think it’s important to give that to them and allow them to handle whatever life throws at them. Our parents’ generation told us that we could be anything, but when I was in college that wasn’t the truth and it was a rude awakening for me. I want to lead by example. Maybe if they see me foster acceptance with anything, then maybe they’ll learn to practice it.

Sada and her mother Ana in her Portland home

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KARLEY MILLENDER THE QUEEN

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Karley by Erika Campbell decussate x spring ‘18

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Karley outsider her Round Rock apartment

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arley is everything. She’s the CEO and founder of Karmil Designs, a freelance design business she created in 2015. She is the Senior Marketing Director for Web and Creative at one of the largest technology companies in the world, Dell EMC. And most importantly she is a queen worthy of admiration.

While we were in design school we hit it off instantly. We were in all the same classes and found out that we had a lot in common. Looking back at it, I attribute our comraderie it to us both being Aries and the fact no one understood us but us.

It had been a few years since we last hung out, and grabbing a cup of coffee on a Saturday afternoon was well overdue. I wanted to catch up with Karley and talk about her journey as a traditional artist in the fast-paced tech world.

WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF WORKING IN THE CORPORATE ENVIRONMENT? Pros would be a constant paycheck, using all the tools the company provides me, meeting people who I would’ve never even dreamed of meeting. I have met people really high up in the company and it has given me amazing opportunities. I have done things here I don’t think I could do working anywhere else.

Unfortunately, there are a few more cons than pros. The cons are no time for yourself. I work all the time, and even when I’m at home, I’m working. I try really hard to find time to do the things I love. Losing yourself can be a huge con. I feel like since this job is my whole life, I can get lost in it. But another con that I often think about the most is becoming jobless. This job is great, but Austin is so competitive in this field if I make one tiny mistake I can be replaced by someone in an instant.

YOU TALK ABOUT LOSING YOURSELF IN THE 9-5 AND I COMPLETELY IDENTIFY WITH THAT. AS PROFESSIONAL CREATIVES WE HAVE PASSION PROJECTS IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. HOW DO YOU FOCUS ON THINGS THAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT WITHOUT LETTING WORK INTERFERE? So, I have been working with this non-profit organization that helps South Sudanese children get the resources they need to

focus on education and help change their community. The organization needs help with branding and putting their name out there, and I’m extremely passionate about helping them with that. I want to spend all the spare time focusing my efforts with them.

And another thing that I want to do is to build my own business stronger. As you know I started Karmil Designs in college and I have been keeping up with it and have had big clients over the years, but Dell has been a big focus for me and has distracted me from my own work. So I want to get back to that in a big way.

YOU’RE SO OBVIOUSLY A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. YOU RECENTLY DID THE COMMENCEMENT SPEECH FOR THE GRADUATING CLASS OF OUR ALMA MATER. WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO CREATIVE PROFESSIONALS WHO ARE JUST STARTING OUT AND ARE UNSURE OF HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN THIS FIELD? In my career, I have met people who are younger than me who specifically ask me how to be successful. I even have friends who I’m really close with who ask me the same thing.

It’s kind of crazy because I don’t see myself as an inspiration because this is just who I am. I don’t know who else to be.

I grew up fast, and I saw things no kid should ever see. I had to learn to be strong at a young age. The result of that was working hard to get out of an environment I didn’t want to be in. I wanted more for myself, so I’ve spent my whole life working towards that. It’s not easy. That’s the first thing I tell my friends who want to see themselves be successful. It’s never going to be easy, especially for young black men and women. We have to work twice as hard. So it’s never going to be easy. You just got to work towards what you want and not let anything stop you.

For me, I like walking around Dell EMC looking the way I do. A black woman, with long braids, all tatted up about to head to an important business meeting. I mean if I can be in this, position they can too.

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SHELBY WADDELL THE SCIENTIST

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Shelby by Edgar Ramirez decussate x spring ‘18

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o many women in my life came to mind when it was time to start setting up these interviews for A Woman’s Work. Shelby was always at the top of my list. She busted her ass to get to her current role, and she continues to strive for more fulfilling career and life goal Shelby is one of my kindest friends. I first met her at a hardcore/punk show in early 2013 in our hometown in West Texas. I don’t think she remembered me, but I remembered her. She was sweet and sarcastic and in the end her dry humor had won me over.

Like most of our friend group from West Texas, she managed to make her way to Austin to start her career. Graduating from the The University of Texas of the Permian Basin in Spring of 2014 with a degree in Biology, she was quickly offered a job at Cerilliant Corporation in Round Rock, TX. Cerilliant is a network of laboratories that produces chemical reference standards for forensic and clinical testing.

The stories Shelby would tell me about her work were always fascinating. But for me the most fascinating part of her job was the fact that women scientists outnumbered the men in a large way.

One Saturday afternoon in early February, Shelby, our editor, Natalie Stevens, and I got together for brunch. I originally used this as an excuse to just eat a lot and gossip but we ended up talking about our jobs and careers. I decided to use this as a perfect segue for our interview. I wanted to know more about her work at Cerilliant and talk about how the idea of science being a male-dominated field is slowly becoming a thing of the past.

WHAT WAS YOUR MAIN INSPIRATION TO PURSUE A CAREER IN SCIENCE? Probably biology in ninth grade, we did the DNA sequence and I remember really liking it. I liked it so much that I went home and told my mom about it. Then at some point after that I decided I wanted to be a doctor or a surgeon because I really liked working with my hands and I also really like wearing scrubs. So in high school I started to really focus on science classes.

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AT ANY POINT DID YOU FEEL LIKE BEING A WOMAN IN A MALE-DOMINATED FIELD WAS OVERWHLEMING? OR DID YOU ACTUALLY FEEL THE COMPLETE OPPOSTIE? I don’t know because from my experience I’ve always been really lucky. My primary investigator in my college lab was a black women who was really about inclusiveness and diversity in science so that was really helpful to see while learning in school.

At my current job, the president of my company is a women, all the upper management are women, and everyone in my department are women. Oh wait, no there is one guy.

Seven out of the eight people in my department are women and most of them have PHDs. So for me, I’ve just been really lucky to always be surrounded by mostly women.

BESIDES BEING A BADASS SCIENTIST, YOU’RE ALSO JUST A BADASS IN GENERAL. YOU RECENTLY COMPLETED YOUR FIRST FULL MARATHON. SO, WHATS NEXT ON YOUR FITNESS TO-DO LIST? Well, actually there is a half-marathon this weekend that I signed up to do. Probably going to do it even though I haven’t trained in a month due to an injury. But we will see. I’m also running the Cap 10k this April with my mom so I’m excited about that.

GIRL, YOU’RE SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO ME AND TO A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE. DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS AN INSPIRATION TO OTHERS? No. [ Natalie laughs in the background] WHY NOT !?

I don’t know. A little bit of self-loathing and a little bit of imposter syndrome. But I feel like a lot of people deal with those things. It’s okay though. I’m working on it.

Shelby at the Austin Greenbelt

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FRANCESKA CARBAJAL THE PHOTOGRAPHER

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Franceska by Edgar Ramirez decussate x spring ‘18

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Franceska by Rachel Gomez

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met Franceska over a year ago. I first started following her on social media before actually meeting her. She’s the type of person whose social media presence is so perfect and precise that you might not even think she’s real. When we did first meet, there was an instant connection. One of the biggest connections we had was our interest in photography.

My interest in photography was always a hobby and a way to diversify my portfolio. For Franceska, it was more than that, it was all she wanted for herself.

On one of our first hangouts, we were going to drive around town and shoot some night photography. I had a mirrorless Nikon handheld that I was trying to teach myself to like. She had a Canon t4i that she knew like the back of her hand. We were taking photos of each other and the photos I took of her kept coming out blurry and noisy. We stopped at a local retail spot where the logo in front of the business was a large neon pink sign. The lighting was perfect but no matter what ISO or lens I used, I just couldn’t get the right shot. But hers were almost too perfect. Each photo she took of me I actually liked. It was a rainy and humid night, my hair was frizzy, my face was sweaty and my makeup was falling off. But somehow she captured my joy in the moment. We were having a fun night and she took photos of me laughing and enjoying myself. I would try and implent an Amercica’s Next Top Model moment but then start cackling at the thought of a Tyra meme.

After that night, I thought that my fascination with her photography was completely biased. She was quickly becoming a great friend and I would gas her up whenever she would post new photo shoots. I started realizing her place in photography. I had worked with tons of photographers who have been working professionally for 10 plus years, and none of them had a genuineness like she did. Her ability to catch emotion and feeling is something you can’t teach. Her passion for photography allowed her to teach herself things most photographers can’t do: take a damn good photo.

I sat down with Franceska to talk about her photography and eat Thai.

WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU REALIZED YOU WANTED TO GET IN TO PHOTOGRAPHY? Well, if I really think about, it was probably around fourth

grade. I asked my mom to buy me a disposable camera so I could take it to school and take photos of my friends. That was my first time where I really found it to be fun. Then fast forward to eighth or ninth grade, that was when I got my hands on my first 35 mm camera. I learned film before digital and that taught me a lot. I would say a couple years after that I got my first digital camera. If I think back on it, there wasn’t a time that photography wasn’t a part of my life.

WHAT I REALLY LIKE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY IS YOUR ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE FUNDAMENTALS OF PHOTOGRPAHY NATURALLY, YOU COME INTO A PHOTOSHOOT VERY CONFIDENTLY AND TAKE PHOTOS ALMOST EFFORTLESSLY. WHAT DOES YOUR PROCESS LOOK LIKE, WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN GOING INTO A PHOTSHOOT? You’re gonna hate this answer but, I really don’t think about it too much. I just kind of do it. Of course I make sure lighting is set up right, I make adjustments, and position things in the right way. But for me, I just kind of know what needs to be done. I look at my subject and then everything falls into place.

Also, excitment drives me. When I get one good photo, then I hype myself up and then continue to do better.

RIGHT NOW PHOTOGRAPHY ISN’T YOUR MAIN JOB, BUT YOU’VE TALKED ABOUT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND PURSUING IT AS YOUR CAREER. A LOT OF PEOPLE PSYCHE THEMSELVES OUT OF DOING A CAREER IN THE CREATIVE FIELD BECAUSE IT’S OVER-SATURATED. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO PUT A NEGATIVE SPIN ON THE CREATIVE FIELD? It’s my passion. It’s what I enjoy the most. I’ve never really believed in choosing something just because of money. I didn’t really grow up with a lot of money. Of course, money is great to have, but I’d rather spend my life doing something that I enjoy. I think life is filled with people who are gonna tell me what I’m doing isn’t going to pay the bills, but it makes me happy. It’s one of the few things in my life that I want to continue doing and I don’t want to give up. Why would I give up on something that makes me happy?

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PAYASA THE CLOWNS

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PAYASA by Ivan Alonso decussate x spring ‘18

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ndie Flores is a writer, performer, and art director. Cynthia Muñoz is an artist and stylist who uses photographs to transform her body and home into a world that’s imperfect, indulgent, and a little gross. They met over the internet when Cynthia was looking for “someone who looked cool”. Together, they are Payasa: two clowns that create isolating, colorful, and open-to-interpretation self-portraits in Austin, Texas.

I discovered Payasa during a creative block at the end of 2017. I was looking for someone to feature in the magazine who would really catch my eye. I was searching Instagram and was sick and tired of the new algorithm. I kept on seeing women with really nice bodies trying to sell me fit teas, or unfunny 60-second comedians racking up millions of views. Then one day as I was scrolling through IG, I stopped on an image of a woman wearing worn clown makeup sitting on top of a washer in the middle of an old laundromat. She wore a bright unkept orange synthetic wig with clothes that you’d only see your Abuela wear on cleaning day. Her facial expression was sad but hilarious.

The image confused me emotionally and I loved it.

I knew I wanted to put her and Andie in the magazine, but was scared to ask. I had worked with Cynthia at one of my previous jobs. I was actually intimated by her.

She had amazing style and took creative risks that I could only dream of. In the office, our desks faced each other, and whenever she would talk about things I loved, I would peer over my monitor and chime in with a,“WHAT YOU LIKE THAT? OMG I LIKE THAT TOO.” She had a fun vibrant energy, and I was pleased to have her as a co-worker and a friend. Even after I was fired from that job, I stayed in contact with a lot of people including Cynthia. I realized me being nervous to ask made no real sense. So, one day I texted Cynthia if Payasa wanted to be featured on my cover, and with much relief they gave me an enthusiastic “YES”.

Nothing gets me more pumped than to interview creative Latinas. But interviewing two clowns over the internet was definitely a fever dream I’ve once had.

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WHAT WAS IT THAT DREW YOU TO EACH OTHER? CYNTHIA: Unfortunately, I am frequently bored by the creative scene in Austin and find it really limiting. I was searching online for friends of friends to see if there was anyone who caught my eye and Andie did. Her aesthetic seemed compatible with mine and she was a “doer” and not just a passive consumer of other people’s work. I sent her a message and the rest is history!

ANDIE: I got a lovely Facebook message one day saying we should be friends and then we were. Once we started hanging out, it was clear that Cynthia was someone who is genuinely excited about making things for the sake of making things, and surrounding myself with people with that kind of amazing energy inspires me and makes me feel safe and challenged to try new things.

CREATIVELY AND ALSO PERSONALLY, WHAT DOES “PAYASA” MEAN TO THE TWO OF YOU? ANDIE: My dad called me “payasa” growing up because I’ve always been an attention-seeking goofball. I feel like I’m afraid of very few things when it comes to putting myself on display for laughs, and that’s what this collaboration allows me to continue to do, but in a messier, more freeing way. We don’t have any rules to what we create, honestly, and that allows us to explore what makes us laugh or cringe without answering to anyone. It’s a great exercise in clowning.

CYNTHIA: For me, payasa basically just means a girl clown and that’s who I am and who I wanna be.

IF PAYASA COULD BE A TRIO, WHAT FAMOUS LATINA WOULD YOU ADD INTO THE MIX? AND WHY? BOTH: Barbara Sánchez-Kane of Sánchez-Kane. Her work is out of this world, and blends elegance with unexpected cultural staple pieces - or items, cultural markers - and the result feels pure and fun as fuck. Her work is also in line with the kind of DIY style that guides our work.

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OUR TIME POETRY BY Anonymous ILLUSTRATION BY Cristin Cornal I am. I wait for every eager family member to retire to their homes. My mother labors until my first breath. Their expectations will exceed my efficacy. They name me bitter, and it will suit me.

I am forty-one. I will become the first statistic of the new year. While I have spent my days bringing beauty to the world, my demise will be an ugly one. Could my life really be the price for a pronoun?

I am sixty-nine. The loss was devastating. Until this point I have excused every compromise of morality as a sacrifice for the greater good. Now I wrestle with my thoughts and question my motives. The only move that remains is to retreat.

I am sixteen. I hold a half empty glass of water in my hand and a full bottle of pain pills rests on the counter. I swallow them, one by one, savoring this moment of control. I laugh and make a bet, I will kill this bottle before it kills me.

I am thirty-two. I am outraged because I am paying attention. Today the system will fail me as it has failed so many innocent before me. His mother may feign shock, but his past reveals she has suffered the same violence that is my end.

I am twenty-eight. I will not know justice, I am here to change history. His error, his arrogance, will cost me my life. He will suffer no repercussions and his behavior will be reinforced. I was not the first, I will not be the last, but they will say my name.

We are. Relentless, rising, and resolved.

Dear predator, your time is short, ours is not.

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ANDREW HAENER @AJHAENER Andrew Haener is an illustrator, cartoonist and designer from Beaumont, Texas. He is currently pursuing his dreams in Missouri where he enjoys complaining about Midwestern food, cold weather, and capitalism.

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DECUSSATE Issue No. 1

THE WORK ISSUE Payasa How to Speak Fearlessly How I Met My Mother

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Spring 2018