Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the dang crap out of Two blondes are sitting on the beach over in the Bahamas for their dogs. New Year holiday and one says, “You know I had a really bad scare just the other day”, and the other blonde looks with her I was walking down the street right after New Year’s Day, when I big green eyes and says, “What?, what happened to you?” and was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless the other blonde looks back at her with the big violet eyes and man who asked me for a couple of dollars for his supper that GearHead returns home a day ear A passenger in a taxi heading for Tampa Airport answers, “Well, I swallowed an when ice-cubehe whole and I haven’t night. his bike broke down and he caugh leaned over to ask the driver a question pooped it out yet. I don’t know ifand I should go totapped E.R. or not”. took out mytowallet, extracted ten dollars and “if I givea cab. of town, andasked thenhim, grabbed gently him on the Ishoulder get his you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of supper?” It’s after midnight. attention. on homeless his way man home, he asks t The screamed, lost control theto cab, nearlyyearsWhile Lil’ Johnny is always being teased bydriver the other neighborhood “No, of I had stop drinking ago,” the replied. would be a witness. The man susp hit a bus, drove up over the curb stopped boys for being stupid. “Willand you use it to go just fishing instead of buying yourself a hot having an affair, and he wants to c from a large plate-glass window. Their favorite joke is to offer Lil’inches Johnny his choice between a mean?” For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. act. nickel and a dime. the homeless man said. need toagrees $100 bucks, the “Icabby Then, the shaking driver said, “No, “AreI don’t you waste o.k.? time I’m fishing,” so For Lil’ Johnny always takes the nickel. spend all my time trying to stay alive out on these streets.” sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me.” Quietly arriving home, the husban One day, after Johnny takes theThe nickel, his friend, Buda, takes him apologized “Will you spend equipment?” I asked. toe into the bedroom. badly shaken passenger to this themoney on hunting GearHead switches on gone the lights, said, “I didn’t that merenuts!” tap replied on the aside and says, “Johnny, those driver boys areand always making fun of realize “Are youatotallly homeless man. “I haven’t shoulder would startle badly.” you. Don’t you know that a dimethe is worth more than a nickel, evensomeone hunting so in 30 some odd years!”back and there is his wife, in bed justyou as money. he suspected! the one should though the nickel is bigger? “. The driver replied, “No, no, I’m “Well,” I said,who “I’m not going to give Instead, I’m going GearHead puts his gun to the nak apologize, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very Lil’ Johnny grins really big and slanted and beams up at Buda and to take you home for a shower The and awife terrificshouts, supper home cooked first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop playing the game, and by my wife.” ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you the past 25 years.” so far I’ve made $25. bucks off them idiots.” The homeless man was astounded. money from my Aunt Sarah. Mildred, the small town gossip“Won’t and self-appointed for that the and Audi I gave you on your wife be furious withHE youpaid for doing dragging monitor of church morals, wasme always to stick HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. Quick question. If you answer this one question correctly that in whatone I’m sure is a fine home?” her nose into other people’s business. Most memHEone paid for your tickets. means you will be very wise throughout the entire New Year: I quickly replied, “Don’t you worry bit about that. season It’s extremely bers of the congregation did not approve of her HE paid for our house at the lake. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ENZYME for her to see what a man looks like after he has given intrusions, but she was fearedimportant due to her lethal HE paid for your African tour with AND A HORMONE? (NOW, lookforked away and come up the up drinking, fishing and hunting.” tongue, sowith everyone maintained their sibuddies and your new ATV. answer). lence. HE paid for the custom rims for yo She took that fatal step too farWhat onedid day, when she HE long paidhot fordog our Family WaterWorld The answer is: You can’t hear an enzyme. the Buddhist ask the foot vendor? “Make accused “Lightning”, a biker, and newwith member of And, HE even pays the monthly du me One everything.” the Church, of being an alcoholic after she saw his Private schooling. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain 20 pounds old Chevy pickup parked in front of the small town’s Shaking his head from side-to-side so I look skinnier when I go out only clubbing with them. What is Red and smells like Blue bar all morning and late into the night. She ersPaint? his gun. He looks totally confu Red Paint. emphatically told Lightning in front of the entire cabby and says, My New Year’s resolution is to read more, so I already the congregation that turned “Everyone seeing that pickup ‘What the hell would you do? Factthe was, subtitles On for my new 70” t.v. there would know what he was So,doing”. did you hear one aboutThe the dyslexic whoskips walks a into a and cabby man never beat Lightning had volunteered to help his ass with that blanket before he bra? Gus, the bar owner, a leaky ceiling cold.’ Let’s be real. A New Year’s resolution thatrepair you actually begin after in the kitchen. But Gus was not a member of the congregation so nothing the New Year is really just something that goes in one year and What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an was brought to light. “Putter” and all his golfing buddie out the other. agnostic? Lightning, a man of few words but plenty of action, the green while he’s got a very im Someone who lays if there actually IS a 15 fe stared at her for a solid minute, then just got awake up at night winwondering the game that’s not over and left the church. He said nothing. straight in. I’m really excited. I’m looking towards the future with enthusiasm. dog.??? early morning; around 1:00 a.m., Light“Handicap” yells out, “come on, a That’s why I’ve made the choiceLater to startthat my New Year’s ning parked his pickup directlyI saw in front Mildred’s all liquor wantstore to finish andI grab a dr resolutions in 2019. a winoofstanding outside the eating up grapes. house, walked home, and left shook it there all night long Putter replies back, although in a my head and told him, “too soon, dude, too soon.” and late into the lunch hour. “don’t bust my balls here huh? My A bear walks up to a sidewalk cafe counter and says to the owner, on the Club’s veranda watching us “I want a grilled....................... Things That Make You Go Hmmmm?? Two blondes sitting at the bar and says, “Wow, I received getthe it one right”. Handicap yells back, Why your OB-GYN leave the room youcalendars cheese.” The owner says, “What’s up does with the pause?” The bear so many trulywhen gorgeous for 2018 of Countries over way to “Nah, forget about it,allthat’s frontDid ofyou you neverforhit her fromThe here”. says, “Hello, wtf? I’m a BEAR!” get undressed, only to sit down theinworld. get any calendars Christmas?” other and see all you got to see in plain view, when they blonde says, “Nah, I’m just going to use the same one I had for return to the room? 2017. It’s all the same months.”One year, I decided to buy my mo
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
cemetery plot as a birthday gift The next year, I didn’t buy her a g
