DEATH, THE LEVELLER

is that sinking feeling of helplessness.

By: Yamini Hemanth

‘Death’ is inevitable from the day of ‘Birth’, as both are two sides of the same coin. Yet we don’t like to think about that while we are alive and each one of us aims to live the best possible life we can and utilise the opportunities that come our way to make a difference in this world.

Death is a very difficult concept to understand, especially for children. How do you explain to a child that a dear one has gone away for ever and are in a sleep from which they will never wake up? The first death I vividly remember is that of my maternal grandfather. We knew he was ailing and also knew we couldn’t go immediately with the impending Board exams. But Death waits for no one! And ultimately the inevitable news came and though we knew, we were still not prepared. A decade later it was my grandmother, the loss was more evident and the timing, again unexpected. In each of these cases, there was another generation in between to handle the rituals, the communication, the chaos and looking back as kids we didn’t actually talk to our parents about the pain.

The time I really felt the pain was the sudden passing away of my father-in-law. I was older and I think was able to understand the significance of the loss. We knew he had a relapse of cancer and was not doing well. So we decided to spend some time during the summer holidays at Hyderabad with him. It was heart-breaking to see an energetic, immensely positive and always on the go person reduced to being bed-ridden and it seemed like he was awaiting Death. Nothing can prepare a family for the permanent loss that Death brings with it. It was the Saturday afternoon of Hanuman Chaturthi that we received a call informing us that dad’s condition had turned for the worse. Hubby and I rushed to the hospital but in a few minutes, we get ‘the’ call. Hubby couldn’t forgive himself; he had been with dad all day, every day, day in and out and had just left to complete some paperwork as his brother would be around on a Saturday.

Seeing a body suddenly go motionless and without life is an image that sticks with you for a lifetime. And the worst of it all is when you have to convey the news to others. It seems like going through the shock and grief in slow motion and living it all over again. And before we even realise, overnight we age, age to take on the call of duty, rituals, formalities and explain life truths to kids who don’t know what happened to their grandparent suddenly. And it is heart breaking to see an otherwise brave hubby break down after immersing his dad’s ashes on his birthday. There

It is a rush of duty and rituals during the initial days, some imposed by society, and some imposed by religion. We are expected to answer the numerous questions from relatives and friends with a smile, whether it’s about what happened or why a certain member was absent or if there was tea available!

And then it all culminates on the thirteenth day, a day when all family, relatives and friends talk fondly of the person, the day the family is relieved from societal bondage and can recollect the memories with the loved one. I remember my grandmother-in-law telling us a few weeks before her death. “I have lived my life and enjoyed it to the fullest and am blessed to see even my great grandchildren. When I am gone, I don’t want to be grieved, I want to be remembered as the bubbly noisy baby.” ‘Baby’, that was how she was fondly called even at 85.

Death is a leveller and brings everyone together. It is sad that sometimes it takes Death to bring the estranged members of a family back into the fold, as grief takes away any ill-feelings and looks out for the family. But the family truly grieves in silence and in peace, grieves in thoughts only after all are gone. The truth of the vacuum created dawns when life has to continue but this time without the loved person to share the day, to share a victory, to share a smile or to shed a tear.