The Monologue

Apr. 1–14, 2014

WILL GBC PRESIDENT

ANNE SADO

BE OUR NEXT MAYOR?

George Brown student checks school email P.4 Student enjoys clean, efficient commute on the TTC P.8 George Brown cuts international student tuition fees P.3

Satire Issue of the GBC Student Newspaper • Founded 1982

NEWS April 1–14, 2014

Huge voter turnout at this year’s SA elections PEE PEE S. ELECTION SPECIALIST

When you have candidates promising free TTC passes, better health facilities, and weekly events on campus, it was not surprising that students actually turned up and voted at the Student Association’s (SA) election at George Brown College (GBC).

A whopping 90 per cent of students turned out to vote during the five day voting period from March 24–29.

“I wasn’t expecting this at all, especially with last year’s sloppy turnout where only 11 students voted,” said Sam Superman, the CRO appointed by the SA for the elections.

Huge line ups were seen at the polling stations at St. James, Casa Loma, Waterfront and even Ryerson campus. Some students were also found camping outside the St. James campus in order to avoid huge line ups in the morning.

“It was almost like Boxing Day. The only difference was that we camp outside Future Shop on Boxing Day to buy laptops and iPhones, but here we are waiting to elect our

leaders who I am sure will give us laptops and iPhones for free,” said John Phone, an accounting student at GBC who waited all night in the cold just to cast his vote and avoid the rush.

The total number of students casting their votes this year was 27,458. This response has already made history in Canada.

It’s the highest voter turnout in student elections at any educational institution, including colleges and Universities.

“We are thrilled. I have always maintained that we are different from other student associations. Last year at the AGM when we slashed wages for the representatives and campus directors, we thought the number of candidates applying would decrease. But it was completely the opposite,” said Hulia Mackintosh, director of internal affairs at the SA. “This shows the commitment of our students, and also proves my point that students who really want to work will be willing to work without even getting paid for it,” said Mackintosh.

The sudden awareness amongst students to vote drew some attention. Some

members from the Students Against Politics on Campus (SAPC) has asked the election commission at GBC to investigate the matter to check for fraud.

This in turn did not go well with the candidates, “We worked hard to get students’ votes.

I skipped my mid-term exam just to be at the SA election forum and let students know why I was standing. I think SAPC is talking bullshit,” said Heeman (last name not provided) who ran for international student rep.

Another candidate, Danker Tanker, running for director of public relations said, “I campaigned for it, that’s why 27,458 students voted. I was hoping all of them voted for me.”

Unfortunately, Tanker was defeated.

“I was so confident of winning that I bought $1 million worth of TTC passes to distribute to students for free and thought of reimbursing the money from the SA when I came into power,” said Tanker, “I am now going to set up a stall on the corner to sell those before the month ends.”

THE MONOLOGUE IS: the satire issue of The Dialog. All content in this issue is intended as satire or humorous commentary and makes no claim to be accurate, factual, or truthful. Please don’t sue us.

Managing Editor Mick Sweetman News Editor Preeteesh Peetabh Singh Art Director/Illustrator Samantha Bullis Multimedia Reporter Danilo Barba Staff Reporters Tina Todaro Brittany Barber Rachel Levitt Contributors Ludwik Antoniuk Cover photo courtesy of George Brown College.

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Facebook.com/thedialogonline Twitter: @thedialogonline Drop by or contact The Dialog at: Room E122 - Casa Loma 142 Kendal Avenue Toronto, ON M5R 1M3 www.dialog.studentassociation.ca Tel: 416-415-5000 ext. 2764 Fax: 416-415-2491 dialog@georgebrown.ca The Dialog newspaper is published by The Dialog Collective under the auspices of the Student Association of George Brown College.

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Where Job Skills Meet Recession Chills The few George Frown College graduates able to find an available job after graduation have been rated among the best by Toronto employers. Weʼll give you the skills you need to do the job, all you need to do is find somewhere thatʼs actually hiring.

georgefrown.ca PHOTO: FLICKR USER PENN STATE CC BY-NC 2.0

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DAILY CHECK UP April 1–14, 2014

GBC President Anne Sado to run for Mayor of Toronto HICK BITTERMAN CITY HALL BUREAU

A new but familiar face is rumoured to be entering the race for the next Mayor of Toronto. Anne Sado the president of George Brown College (GBC) and former Bell Canada executive is quietly planning to be Toronto’s next Mayor.

According to a source close to Sado, she is planning to formally register as a candidate when the winter semester ends on April 17.

Sado has been president of GBC since 2004, one year after former Toronto mayor David Miller beat Tory for his first term. With Tory back in the Mayor’s race supporters think it’s time for Sado to challenge for the job.

“Frankly Tory is a never-was and with Rob Ford bleeding away the vote from the crazier side of the conservative vote, Anne Sado is the only real challenge to Olivia Chow,” said a long-time confidant of Sado who insists on remaining anonymous as they’re working on her campaign.

Named a member of the Order of Canada in 2013 Sado has also been recognized as one of the YMCA’s women of distinction in education and one of Canada’s most powerful women.

According to the Public Sector Salary Disclosure list Sado earned $358,700 as GBC’s president in 2013. This means that she would take a pay cut of just over 50 per cent in order to take the city’s top job, which paid $175,325 in 2013.

A driver on the 504 King streetcar who

says he’s a proud member of Ford Nation scoffed at the news that Sado was entering the race, “I’m telling you, Sado doesn’t respect the taxpayer and will be driving a new gravy train from George Brown to city hall.”

Sado’s experience as senior management in the private and public sector is expected to be a boon for her new political career. According to insiders she might be a political neophyte but her business credentials and experience negotiating with Queens Park and public sector unions have garnered her support from a wide range of Toronto’s political elite.

In a recent article in the Toronto Star’s “Big Ideas” feature, Sado courted the important suburban-mommy vote by saying that all doors in Toronto should be wide enough for parents with “monster prams” and that “construction schedules should follow some kind of logic that the average commuter can decipher and accept.”

James Saint, a business student at GBC, says he thinks Sado should start at home.

“It took years to fix the elevators at George Brown and she wants to run the entire city?”

Sado is also taking a page from Rob Ford’s subway playbook on privatizing public transit with government handing over valuable city land to corporations in exchange for investments from corporations.

Olivia Chow’s campaign manager Anne R. Chist criticized Sado’s public transit policy, “we have a better chance of finding a unicorn colony on the moon than a private company that will sink their money into the TTC.” PHOTO: COURTESY GEORGE BROWN COLLEGE

George Brown College cuts tuition for international students PEE PEE S. SAD INTERNATIONAL STUDENT

In a ground breaking decision, George Brown College (GBC) announced a massive 50 per cent decrease in international students’ tuition fee starting this fall.

Students paying $14,000 for a two semester certificate course will now be paying only $7,000.

According to internal reports, this announcement has been made after the college saw a decline in number of international students on campus.

“We had to make this decision when local students started being seen more often on campus than international students. That was an indication that they were no longer interested in our college,” said Johnny Potter, director of international admissions.

Intensive research worth $2 million was

carried out by the international office at GBC. Experts from China, India, America, and Russia were hired to find out the reason for this trend.

V. Poutine, Russian expert for international affairs, said at a press conference held at St. James campus patio, “The reason for this shortfall in international students at GBC was because we were not sending enough students from back home to invade the country’s colleges.”

American expert, Crack Orama completely disagreed with Poutine’s comment and condemned it. He stated that high tuition fees for international students were the sole reason for the decrease in their numbers.

Indian and Chinese experts remained silent on the issue and were not available to comment.

Based on the suggestion from Orama, GBC decided to slash the fee in half on a trial

basis; they are willing to slash it even further if this move does not attract more students.

International students are rejoicing. Dani Happy, 22, an international student from the Vatican City said, “I am really happy.

Now I don’t have to ask the Pope for any money to fund my tuition.”

Not everyone has taken the decision well. Pallika Hindustani, a student from Pakistan studying journalism at GBC, said, “What the fuck! I was so happy paying such high tuition fee every year, I felt special that way. My student loan back home is taking care of all my expenses in Canada, so I don’t have to worry yet.”

Immigration Canada also dislikes the idea of slashing the fee stating that it will increase the influx of immigrants in the country, which would further increase their work load.

“It’s already a lot of work, we don’t want to put in extra hours unnecessarily. We have

a life too.” said Robert Migrant, manager at Immigration Canada.

The decision to cut the international student fee has generated mixed reactions so far, but don’t be surprised if you see more international heads in GBC this fall.

The Monologue

3

NEWS April 1–14, 2014

Casa Loma students discover Wi-Fi connection TUNA TORNADO CONCRETE PIT CORRESPONDENT

Enterprising student Will W. White was among the first to discover that the school has its own “Electronic Mail” system.

PHOTO: DAZED N. CONFUSED/THE MONOLOGUE

George Brown student checks school email DAZED N. CONFUSED TECHNOLOGY WIZARD

If inactive email accounts could generate virtual spider webs, George Brown College (GBC) would have a simulated an infestation problem.

Will W. Webb, a hospitality student went a full three years without knowing his school email account ever existed. “I figured Blackboard was good enough to get [the class] information.” Webb is a dedicated student who is far from being technologically advanced. “I managed to get my assignments in on time and my friends would fill me in on the days I missed.”

At GBC, each student automatically has an email similar to their name, followed by @georgebrown.ca, close to the email address that professors use. There is even a tab at the top of the login screen displaying the reported issues Microsoft Exchange has been facing.

Webb isn’t alone when it comes to not being up to date on the email system.

A former student who wished to remain anonymous to avoid embarrassment said, “I hadn’t found out about the email system until graduation day. I remember talking to one of my professors right before the cer4

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emony and he was disappointed I had never replied to his emails.”

It was never his intention to ignore any form of communication with his professor.

“I managed to pass all of my classes and ended up on the Dean’s list for all semesters without logging into my email.”

A study conducted by first year general arts and science students taking introduction

I was in complete disbelief when I found out about the email account. to research course found that 80 per cent students in their final year at GBC have never attempted to log in to their email.

If a student were to log in to their GBC email account today, they would have endless amounts of monthly newsletters and potentially one or two emails announcing a missed deadline.

Through STU-View, George Brown’s on-

line student information system, students can change their email preferences to give professors an option to send emails to a more convenient address or to forward emails directly to a personal address.

“I was in complete disbelief when I found out about the email account.” Webb remembers when he gained knowledge of his email, “I was using my AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) email account since grade school, if I would have known this earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassment.”

GBC email offers 100MB of storage capacity and allows Microsoft Exchange calendar functions to help students stay on task.

George Brown’s website, under technical support for student email states, “Using your George Brown email account is a great warm-up for the system you’re likely to use when you leave the college to enter the workforce, since the vast majority of organizations use Microsoft Exchange to help their employees communicate.”

After speaking with students who only recently found their ways into their email account, a majority of students believe, “[We] have no idea how we functioned without the [George Brown College] email.”

The isolated concrete pit at the basement of Casa Loma campus is providing a one-day Wi-Fi connection for free.

“I grabbed a chair and plopped myself right at the base of the pit,” said Joel Litchnick, construction student. “I was amazed at the Wi-Fi service it offered.”

Finding a good internet connection is hard, even in places where it should function, but now students are offered a service they can’t refuse.

The lonely, empty pit, which can be seen from the staircase of each floor, is now the hotspot for connecting to wireless internet.

“We travel all over the school trying to connect,” said fashion student Craig Smart. “Free internet for one whole day at GBC - how can I refuse?”

Hoping to undergo renovations soon, the concrete pit was open for service.

Students were found lining up since the morning to try out the concrete pit connection. Students have agreed that this is by far the best service George Brown College has offered.

“Connecting in the concrete pit, it has a ring to it!” said Janie Brown, plumbing student.

Students are spreading the word and others are leaving class just to sit in the pit and absorb the connection rays.

The school has never been this crowded and this is the biggest student turnout that has ever been seen at this campus.

“I walk to the library and can’t get service, I’ve even tried the bathroom,” said Quincy Blue, who works at the bookstore.

“Then I heard about the pit I jumped right in it - anything for a connection!”

The right idea sparked the right service, and it’s something the college is considering for the future.

“We’ve looked into many options for providing better Wi-Fi and nothing has worked,” said Kelley Bing, manager of Casa Loma facilities. “We’ve considered different uses for the pit, and I came up with this brilliant idea.”

The Wi-Fi service was available from sunrise to sundown but extended until midnight as students were not willing to budge from the pit.

Looking for feedback on the service in the pit, Bing and her solo team will gather all the results for considering future opportunities.

SPORTS April 1–14, 2014

PHOTO: FLICKR USER RYAN GREENBERG CC BY-NC 2.0. IMAGE MODIFIED FROM ORIGINAL.

Home Team gives 110% in battle of the titans against the Visitors MARY HALE PRESSBOX CHEERLEADER

It was an intriguing matchup between Home Team and the Visitors. With the league’s best offense against the league’s best defense, something had to give. The two teams didn’t like each other and there was a lot of trash talking before the game.

Home Team star player Justin Doit, said, “We are just out there giving 110 per cent and taking it one game at a time. We have to stay focused because there’s no ‘I’ in team.”

The game was a real pressure cooker with the teams fighting tooth and nail like a couple of heavyweights. The Home Team

drew first blood but, true to form, the Visitors scratched and clawed their way back into striking distance.

At halftime, it was clear that both teams were playing at a high level and that the intangibles would be key.

Coming off a heartbreaking loss, the Home Team was looking for redemption but needed to turn up the intensity. On the ropes in the first half, the Home Team appeared to lack consistency and needed to generate some offense.

“We never say die,” said Home Team player Jock Strap, “it was a bit of a tough slog, but we kept our heads in the game.”

The Home Team started to gel in the

second half, turning the corner and hitting their stride as the game came to a close.

The Home Team did all the little things you need to win and, if everyone is on the same page, this dark horse could be the sleeper team of the season.

Home Team head coach Moe T. Vation got the most out of his players, but in the post-game press conference said, “No question about it, there were some mistakes, but we persevered and stuck to our game plan. Sports do not build character. They reveal it.”

Speaking in the locker room after the game, Visitors player Dee Fence said, “This is always a tough place to play but the final score is the only statistic that matters. It’s a

bitter pill to swallow but they out-hustled us and we came up a little short. It’s a wake-up call. They stepped up and made the plays, but we can hold our heads high and put this loss behind us. The best team won.”

Home Team player Substi Tute said, “We knew what we had to do and went out and did it. They gave us a big scare. We’re happy we could pull this one out at the end.

A win is a win.”

The crowd factor created a home-field advantage with loud chants of “Go Team Go!” and merciless mocking of the Visitors.

Super fan Mike was philosophical about the outcome, “In a long season, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. This team shows a lot of heart.”

The Monologue

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ARTS & LIFE

April 1–14, 2014

PHOTO: PREETEESH PEETABH SINGH/THE DIALOG

PHOTO: FLICKR USER CLEMSONUNIVLIBRARY CC BY-NC 2.0

PEE PEE S. WHO NEEDS A REASON TO BOOZE

Exams! You are fucked.

Well, not really. After intensive research and consultation from various experts, The Monologue has put together a series of things you can do in order to completely ace your exams.

1. Booze Get your tankers full one day before the exam. Alcohol such as beer helps you pee a lot which removes toxins from your body.

Toxins are very harmful for the brain and impede its ability to function properly.

Drink up to grasp everything while cram6

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ming before the exam. So load your refrigerator with beers and hit the washroom often to better your grade.

2. Don’t sleep before the exam, instead sleep during the exam Getting a good night’s sleep before the exam is a myth. Scientists have been testing a new formula to score better marks during exams, and have been successful with it. According to this formula you should sleep during the exam for a while after reading the question paper. It helps you dream about all the answers you don’t know. Note, with all that booze in your body, make sure you don’t sleep off the whole exam. Put an alarm or ask your prof to wake you up in half an hour.

3. Eat a lot of fried and junk food Having fruits, veggies, juices etc. before the exam will stress you out. Instead, eat a lot of junk food like French fries, fried noodles with extra oil, and burgers which satisfy your taste buds. Any satisfaction works well before exams.

4. Review Whatever you do, please don’t review the content you have already gone through. Read the study material only once. Reviews will only confuse you and you might get a panic attack when you go through it again and don’t remember shit. It is definitely a bad idea.

5. Keep it pending Keep all assignments, presentations, case studies, and projects pending until the last moment.

Finish everything at once when the final exam approaches. It helps to manage time more efficiently and effectively. You don’t have to spend a whole semester on what can be done in two days.

6. Cheat If you don’t know an answer, cheat. Cheating is against the rules, but remember: the process does not matter, results do. Due to the confidentiality of the issue, more information on how to cheat will be provided to students on personal basis. Drop into our office or contact The Monologue for more details.

Out of 100 students tested with the list mentioned above, 99 of them showed better results. One of them failed because he refused to booze.

A CONTINUOUS STRING OF FRUITLESS INTERVIEWS INTERNATIONAL WORK PERMIT CHALLENGES PREPARING TO APPLY FOR INCOME ASSISTANCE IT始LL LOOK GREAT IN YOUR PORTFOLIO UNPAID INTERNSHIPS BECAUSE HEY WHY NOT HUGE WAIT TIMES FOR BACKGROUND CHECKS HOSTILE CREDITORS & LATE RENT CHEQUES CONSIDERING GOING BACK TO SCHOOL YET AGAIN RISKY BUSINESS

George Frown gets you the job.

By which we mean that we give you the job skills that would lead to a job if the labour market wasn始t so bleak. georgefrown.ca PHOTO: FLICKR USER LES ROCHES INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL OF HOTEL MANAGEMENT/ AVGOSTINOS SOURIDIS & CHEF SAMUEL SAMUEL DUJONCQUOY CC BY-NC 2.0

ARTS & LIFE

April 1–14, 2014

Books that have been parodied to death

Student Craig Lin was thrilled that he didn’t have to contend with this fucking nightmare in the frigid winter cold.

A NARCISSISTIC BOOKWORM PRINT FETISHIST

PHOTO: FLICKR USER A DAWN CC BY 2.0

Student enjoys clean, efficient TTC commute MARVIN MALAISE MISERY REPORTER

George Brown College student Craig Lin, 23, spent last Wednesday evening fretting over the prospect of making his way downtown for class from Etobicoke without his car.

“I’d taken it into the mechanic after an engine failure and had been informed that they’d need a couple of days to fix it up,” said Lin. “I knew I was going to have to take the TTC, and after everything I’ve heard about it, I was terrified.”

But his fears were to be allayed the next morning as he enjoyed a pleasant trip unimpeded by filth, incompetence, or profound frustration.

Lin claimed that he failed to experience any kind of futile, endurance-testing wait at a urine-scented transit shelter. “I don’t know what people are always complaining about,” said Lin. “The streetcar arrived right on time.

I only had to wait a few minutes, which I spent comfortably seated in the clean, well-maintained shelter.” Lin also noted that at no point 8

The Monologue

did the streetcar careen past him without no apparent reason for leaving him behind in the frigid cold.

When he reached the subway, Lin reported renewed feelings of dread. “I’d heard some horror stories about the subway at rush hour, but was pleased to find that the trip underground wasn’t the descent into hell that I had always heard about.”

“When I went to enter the car, it was a tight fit. But it wasn’t the roasting capsule of body odour, exasperated groans, and despair that I’d been led to believe it was,” recalled Lin. “Upon exit, I was able to easily disembark while passengers waiting on the platform stood aside courteously and waited for me to pass before entering,” said a surprised Lin. According to Lin, the passengers certainly didn’t squeeze themselves into the sweaty car immediately as the doors opened with bovine expressions on their stubborn faces, pushing past him and other trapped passengers trying to escape the sweltering nightmare that the TTC foolishly claims ‘[values] both the quality and quantity of

time our customers spend with us.’

“I had also heard that it was common for passengers to use coveted seat space to store their backpacks or coffee. I was furious at the very thought that someone might consider their double macchiato special enough to deserve its own seating, but the issue never came up,” said a relieved Lin. Lin did have a scare when he noticed what he thought was a woman stretched out across two seats. But it turned out she was just propping herself up temporarily to tie her shoe, not to recline luxuriously across limited seating to enhance her own comfort while forcing others to stand.

“I’ll certainly be taking public transit more often,” said Lin. “Why take the car when I can enjoy the privilege of a peaceful, efficient trip for such a reasonable price? Nothing could be further from a nightmarish, hallucinatory struggle through a fucking hellscape than a trip courtesy of the TTC. It really is a better way to travel.”

You may have read them, your friend may have read them, by logical hypothesis most of George Brown College has read at least one book mentioned in this article (or just seen the movie). It is time that these novels that have already dealt with condemnation from other narcissistic bookworms get exposed in The Monologue.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (Scholastic Press) is a good place to start.

The rip off of Battle Royale and the Crimson Labyrinth is really just another YA novel that has fooled impressionable teens and some adults into believing it to be quality literature. If it had wanted to be quality literature it should have taken a reality check pill and killed Peeta off in book one or at the latest book two, because the only reason he survived was for the sake of a contrived love triangle and an attempted cheesy metaphor.

Uglies by Scott Westerfield (Simon Pulse) on the other hand plenty of people have read and certainly qualifies as a quality novel, yet is often overlooked for some reason.

Why is that? It has the dystopian aspect, political message, vibrant storyline and lifelike characters that The Hunger Games has. Unfortunately, it is missing the key ingredient to success: a motion picture. The elements that spawn debates over whether the book or movie was better, if they got the casting right, if they cut out too many important parts, the list goes on.

The Harry Potter Series by J.K Rowling (Scholastic Press) for the most part is an excellent series. The adventure, the characters and the action are all terrifically done. It does have one mortal flaw that even J.K Rowling admitted she was unsure of: Hermione should have ended up with Harry instead of Ron. Even a narcissistic bookworm can say that there are times where clichés are appropriate.

The Percy Jackson Series by Rick Riordan (Disney Hyperion Books) waltzed into the book scene and pretty much did what Harry Potter did but with Greek mythology and had the girl end up with the hero.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (Little Brown, and Company) is the last book I want to mention, but I don’t intend to give it a description. You may be asking why I am mentioning it if not to elaborate. Well, if you are a book geek then ask yourself the question: “is it really a parody book list without Twilight?”

NEWS April 1–14, 2014

Student finds classroom after six months of wandering halls DAZED N. CONFUSED MISSING PERSONS REPORTER

It was Wednesday, March 5 when Vair E. Lost walked into his first class of the semester at George Brown College (GBC). Unfortunately for Lost, he was one semester too late. ​“I walked into the room, and all eyes were immediately on me.” Lost said recalling his unintentionally unshaven look, “I wasn’t sure if people were staring because I was late to class or because I hadn’t seen a shower in around six months.”

Vair E. Lost had been overly excited to start his first year at GBC for the fall semester in the plumbing program at Casa Loma campus. Coming from a small town in Northern Ontario, Lost never had the opportunity to tour the school grounds or attend orientation. His first order of business when walking through the glass doors at 1 Dartnell Avenue on September 3 was to get to room C 543 for his theory of plumbing class on his own.

“I lost track of time while roaming the halls in the first building and it wasn’t until I noticed the sun had set and the janitor had left that I was in D building.” Lost claims he wanted to prove to his family that he could do something on his own for once. “I didn’t feel the need to ask for help at the time.”

Lost figured he would have better luck the following day and found the closest wooden bench and got comfy for the night.

Thankfully for his keen sense of smell, it wasn’t long before Lost found a food court and was ready to start his trek the following day for his class.

“Looking back on it, my days all seemed to morph together. I wasn’t having any luck for the first month so I figured I would keep at it.” Lost was determined to say the least, “I realized after the third month that Casa Loma campus was a maze.”

Lost remembers the hardest part of finding his way around the school was choosing which stairwell to use. In D building, a main staircase was closed for construction and he couldn’t figure out how to get to E building. Once he found his way into E building, it was game-over for Lost.

It wasn’t until the start of the second semester that he was in C building, one step closer to finding his classroom that he had so much time building up anticipation for. ​ Fortunately for Lost, It was only a short two months before he made his way to the fifth floor.

“I knew I was late but I didn’t realize I was that late” Lost recalls of his experience.

Since his elongated first semester, he now owns a map of the school and has the opportunity to start his first semester over.

There are corn mazes and there are campus mazes. For Lost, all it took was determination and patience to conquer this obstacle course.

Marking like these, scrawled on the walls of Casa Loma campus, are suspected to be desperate pleas from the lost student.

Opinion: You can increase voter turnout by not voting A. UDWILK Observe our democracy! Citizens must vote and elect their representatives for Canada’s elected parliament to be legitimate. But a smaller and smaller percentage of eligible voters are voting in elections.

Although voter turnout rates change over time, a trend is visible. In federal elections, 75 per cent of voters voted in 1988, 65 per cent in 2006, and 59 per cent in 2008.

This makes some political parties happy. Political parties encourage their own members to vote. They would celebrate if everyone else did not vote – as they would win the election.

Perhaps that is why some parties spend so much money on negative attack ads to tell voters not to vote. Every election, voters hear, ‘do not vote’. And they listen.

However, political parties want to be seen as friends of democracy. They pretend to care about voter turnout and to want to raise political participation.

The federal Conservative party is pretending to care. When everyone wes watching the Olympics they rushed Bill C-23 from first to second reading. Citizen participation is so important that it must be done quickly, without any discussion from citizens.

Low voter turnout makes elections easier. Instead of counting millions of voters’ ballots, it is simpler if only one voter dictates the result!

Citizens are not clueless. There may be reasons why so many citizens do not vote. It may be true that there is no candidate in their riding whom they would consider supporting.

Wait! voter turnout is not about voting, it is about voters turning out!

You do not need to vote for a candidate. You have choices. Not having someone to vote for is no excuse for why not to vote. You can increase voter turnout by not voting also!

There are four ways to not vote for the ballot choices you are given.

Decline your ballot At your election polling station, receive your ballot, but do not go to the screen and instead ask for the deputy returning officer (DRO) of the poll to register that you have received your ballot and that you choose to decline to vote. The DRO will collect your unused ballot in a special envelope. Your ballot will not be put in the ballot box, but your declined ballot will be recorded in the voter turnout count.

Spoil your ballot At your election polling station, receive your ballot, go behind the screen, and purposely disfigure it by marking it in an incorrect way (ex. scribbling over the whole ballot, marking multiple candidates, drawing hearts and horseshoes on the ballot). Fold your ballot and drop it into the ballot box. Your spoilt ballot will be discarded as a rejected invalid vote, but it will be recorded in the voter turnout count.

Leave your ballot blank At your election polling station, receive your ballot, and do not mark it. Then fold your ballot and drop it into the ballot box.

Your blank ballot will be discarded as an unmarked ballot, but it will be recorded in the voter turnout count.

Do not vote Go to work, or stay home, or go fly a kite.

You are too busy to find 10 minutes every four years to vote in an election. Avoid your polling station. Do not receive your ballot. Do not vote. Let someone else dictate who gets elected to raise your taxes and pass laws against you. Give up your identity as an empowered “citizen” and “voter” and become a passive “consumer” and “taxpayer.” Without voting, you do not show up in the voter turnout count.

Too many eligible voters do not know their choices. You are not limited to voting for the candidate whom you loathe the least.

Not voting sounds hard. Maybe there are too many choices of how not to vote.

Do not worry if you are confused. You do not have to not vote. There is an alternative.

Do what most voters do: do your research, be informed of the issues, and vote for a candidate in your riding!

Low voter turnout makes elections easier. Instead of counting millions of voters’ ballots, it is simpler if only one voter dictates the result!

PHOTO: MARVIN MALAISE/THE MONOLOGUE

The Monologue 9

ARTS & LIFE

April 1–14, 2014

Nursing student seeks fidelity in GBC’s Simulation Centre TUNA TORNADO HOPELESS ROMANTIC

A nursing student has fallen for a mannequin while practising at the Simulation Centre at the Waterfront campus of George Brown College. Finding a man quite like him is almost impossible. But for one student, love came easily.

“I’d been practising my skills on him for a while now,” said Tracey Quinn, a second year nursing student. “He was always staring at me, so one day I decided to actually look into his eyes, and it’s been love ever since.”

The nursing program is a tedious one where students gain the necessary skills to become a successful caregiver within the healthcare field.

Through the nursing program Quinn has broadened her skills on conditions and healing methods by applying her knowledge practically.

Quinn says there are definitely stressful times, but her stress is relieved when she’s in the Simulation Centre.

By teaching students hands-on, practical learning, this simulated environment comes close to real-life scenarios.

“Here at the Simulation Centre, we provide students with caring techniques for patients who are critically ill to those who require in-home care,” said nursing profes-

sor Geraldine Haring. “By using the centre, students are able to broaden their skills so that they can provide optimal support for their patients and clients.”

The Health eHome, a fully functional bachelor apartment, is where Quinn’s lover lies.

Quinn visits her bedridden companion every day between the hours of 11 p.m. to 1 a.m., while the rest of her time is spent dreaming of practising a new skill on him.

The Simulation Centre provides mannequins of high and low fidelity, and although he is lacking in fidelity, Quinn believes their relationship has a future.

Although the mannequins are able to verbally communicate and respond physiologically, he keeps his mouth shut as he is an unconscious patient.

Amazed at her luck, Quinn says it’s hard to find someone that doesn’t talk back.

Never expecting to find love so early in her life, Quinn owes her academic progress to his willingness to be her subject.

“Tracey is always with him in his eHome,” said Haring. “She makes good use of her practice time and her academic success is maintained.”

Though other students find their love strange, she has no regrets because she believes that he is the love of her life.

Mysterious “Performing Arts” department discovered at GBC A DANCER WHO WRITES FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT

World famous explorer Lester Limon has discovered after a grand expedition that there are in fact two secret colonies at George Brown College (GBC) in the form of the performing arts department. The department is divided into two sub-departments: the musical theatre program and the dance stream.

After digging through the rubble of the lost city of Atlantis, a mysterious map written in an unknown language was found.

After ten years of deciphering the map, it was found to lead to the Young Centre for the Performing Arts in the Distillery district in Toronto. In this theatre far from campus civilization, future starving artists are hidden from the world in their own personal dome.

The students were not easily found, though. Limon and his crew scoured the building using sound detectors and dusting for fingerprints. Eventually, they heard music coming from above their heads. They found a hidden staircase and located the musical theatre department’s secret headquarters tucked away in the ceiling.

Limon said, “I found the students singing a strange song accompanied by ritualistic dancing. I suspect that it is some sort of condo summoning ritual, but I am not quite sure.”

The dance stream was uncovered in the basement of the Casa Loma campus after a girl in a leotard and tights was spotted near the water fountain next to the gym.

This garnered a lot of attention from the plumbing and construction students who followed her to the mysterious dance alcove. Plumbing student Richard Fleming called Limon to request he come and investigate the new found land.

“It was one of the single most terrifying experiences of my life,” Limon says, “the floors were littered with hair and bobby pins, there was no window to the outside world in sight and the stench of point shoes and sweat was pungent. I vow solemnly to never return!”

In terms of their culture, Limon describes his observations as so, “they dance all day and when they are not dancing they seem to go into some sort of inebriated state in which they chug coffee and protein shakes in an attempt to stay sane.”

Some people thought the performing arts department was a myth and some never heard the tale. Now that all has been revealed here, perhaps it would have been better had no one known the truth.

Limon says as a final word of advice to anyone thinking of exploring the depths of the musical theatre or dance sectors of GBC, “stay away from them! All artists are crackpots!”

Just past this bench is a hidden cove occupied by a strange group of students prone to sudden displays of dancing.

PHOTO: A DANCER WHO WRITES/THE MONOLOGUE

10

The Monologue

PUZZLES & FUN April 1–14, 2014

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My descent into a cat-atonic state JACEY GIBB THE OTHER PRESS

The Monologue is a free, biweekly newspaper available to 24,000 students at George Brown College’s four campuses.

To place an ad in our next issue, send a letter by pigeon or owl to our dungeon deep below Casa Loma Campus.

To place an ad in a regular issue of The Dialog, contact 416-415-5000 ext. 2764 or write to dialog@georgebrown.ca.

NEW WESTMINSTER, B.C. (CUP) — My transformation into a cat person was as unexpected as it was gradual. We’ve all been exposed to the caricature of the senile cat lady who has more felines than she has fingers, but I always assumed I was safe from sharing a similar fate. After all, I don’t have a vagina and, for the most part, have managed to maintain my mental health. Both of these characteristics are uncommon in crazy cat ladies, yet it would appear that feline fanaticism no longer discriminates against a person’s sex or mental stability.

I’ve lived with cats before, but it wasn’t until about a year ago that I was able to add the title of “Cat Owner” to my make-believe business card. A fateful Craigslist posting led me to a grungy basement suite in North Vancouver, and I was introduced to a kitten smaller than my fist. Two weeks later, I transported said animal across the city in a Build-A-Bear box to her new home. I settled on the name Inspector Ciabatta Lebowski and with that, my descent into domesticated

animal dementia began.

Everyone who met Ciabatta cooed over her cuteness and how feisty the feline was, so I assumed my fascination with her was normal at first. I acquired her during midterms so that instead of applying myself to my studies, I was able to ignore the textbooks on my desk and spend hours throwing toy mice around the apartment while she chased after them.

My roommate and I began to express our feelings out loud about how much we enjoyed the cat. Showering her with affection and attention when we were alone was one thing, but once we realized how strongly we both felt, the floodgates to our emotions opened.

Not long after that, when leaving my house with a friend, he asked me if I always did that. When I asked what he was referring to, he pointed out that I had said goodbye to the cat. Up until this point, it hadn’t even registered that this was something I did often. I became self-aware.

I mentioned to my roommate how ridiculous it was for me to bid farewell to the cat, and we laughed over how weird some cat owners were — especially the ones who referred to their cats as their children. This

naturally led to us calling Ciabatta our daughter, but we quickly realized that our satire was slinking towards reality and immediately ceased such behaviour.

The climax occurred earlier this month when I realized that Ciabatta’s birthday was coming up. I commented on how hilarious it would be if we had a kegger to celebrate her having survived living with us for a year. But this “joking” led to me making a Facebook event and creating a guest list. Friends came over with presents. Someone made a cat food cake with catnip icing. We all got trashed. The cat was freaked out by the number of guests since she wasn’t even aware that many humans existed. I think I had more fun at her birthday party than I’ve had at some of my own.

Is it weird that when I’m on the bus ride home, I get excited because it means I’ll soon be reunited with my cat? I prefer Ciabatta’s company over that of most humans, and if that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is. So let my story be a warning to the rest of you. When picking out your next pet, get something less adorable and with a shorter lifespan. Like sea monkeys. No one’s ever heard of a crazy sea monkey lady.

The Monologue 11

A CONTINUOUS STRING OF FRUITLESS INTERVIEWS INTERNATIONAL WORK PERMIT CHALLENGES PREPARING TO APPLY FOR INCOME ASSISTANCE IT始LL LOOK GREAT IN YOUR PORTFOLIO UNPAID INTERNSHIPS BECAUSE HEY WHY NOT HUGE WAIT TIMES FOR BACKGROUND CHECKS HOSTILE CREDITORS & LATE RENT CHEQUES CONSIDERING GOING BACK TO SCHOOL YET AGAIN RISKY BUSINESS

9 out of 10 grads are hired within 6 months.

By then, they始re desperate enough to take any job they can get.

georgefrown.ca PHOTO: FLICKR USER WALT STONEBURNER CC BY 2.0