Self regulation by GEORGE DIAMANDIS

Modul e2

Sel fRegul ati on

MODULE 2 SELF-REGULATION

This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Table of Contents Introduction .................................................................................................................................. 5 Theoretical part ............................................................................................................................. 5 2.1 – Conflict management and problem solving ......................................................................... 5 2.1.1 The nature of the conflict................................................................................................. 5 Practical part ................................................................................................................................. 8 2.1.2 Self-reflection activity ...................................................................................................... 8 Theoretical part ............................................................................................................................. 9 2.1.3. Conflict resolution styles ................................................................................................. 9 Fig. 2.3 Conflict resolution styles diagram ................................................................................ 9 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 12 2.1.4 Self-reflection activity .................................................................................................... 12 2.1.5 Problem solving tips ....................................................................................................... 12 Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 15 2.1.6. What professional conciliators suggest in order resolving personal conflict ............... 15 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 17 2.1.7 How do you deal with conflicts? (Self-assessment test) ............................................ 17 2.1.8. An exercise to deal with stress ...................................................................................... 22 2.1.9. Stress-vaccination as a coping mechanism. .................................................................. 23 2.1.10. Problem solving exercise ............................................................................................. 27 2.1.11 Sheet with steps for problem solving (reflection activity) ........................................... 28 2.2 – Decision making ................................................................................................................. 29 Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 29 2.2.1 Classical Decision Theory (CDT)...................................................................................... 33 2.2.2. The seven principles in decision making of people with disabilities............................. 37 Decision making principle 1—Everyone has the right to make decisions .......................... 38 about the things that affect him/her .................................................................................. 38 Decision making principle 2—Capacity to make decisions must be assumed .................... 41

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Decision making principle 3—Every effort should be made to support people to make their decisions ..................................................................................................................... 44 Decision making principle 4—Capacity is decision specific ................................................ 46 Decision making principle 5—People have the right to learn from experience ................. 49 Decision making principle 6—People have the right to change their minds ...................... 52 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 53 2.2.3. Reasons why a person might change his/her mind (reflection activity) ....................... 53 Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 56 Decision making principle 7—People have the right to make decisions other people might not agree with ..................................................................................................................... 56 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 57 2.2.4 Case studies (reflection activity) .................................................................................... 57 2.2.5 Practice with your family member with disability through games ................................ 62 Make a Menu .......................................................................................................................... 63 2.2.6. Self-problem resolution (reflection activity) ................................................................. 64 2.3 Learn to deal with self-emotion ............................................................................................ 65 2.3.1 Emotional self-regulation ............................................................................................... 65 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 66 2.3.2. Tips to control your own emotions ............................................................................... 66 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 70 2.3.3 How to support your family member with disability to control his/her emotions (discussion activity) ................................................................................................................. 70 2.3.4 Useful tips both for parents/relatives and person with disability ................................. 73 Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 74 2.3.4 Helping Kids Learn Self-Control ...................................................................................... 74 2.4 Assertive behaviour............................................................................................................... 77 Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 77 2.4.1 What is assertive behaviour? ......................................................................................... 77 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 79 2.4.2 Exercise for awareness of assertiveness ........................................................................ 79 This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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2.4.3 Exercise for awareness of the consequences of passive and aggressive behaviour ..... 80 2.4.4. Exercise for building an assertive response style .......................................................... 81 Theoretical part ........................................................................................................................... 83 2.4.5. Understanding and responding to your family member with disabilityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s difficult behaviour ................................................................................................................................ 83 Practical part ............................................................................................................................... 86 2.4.6. What you can do (reflection activity) ............................................................................ 86

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Introduction This module is meant for parents who want to strengthen their relationship with their all family members including those with disabilities. The content of the module is dedicated to the conflict management and problem solving as well as decision making principles. We provide you a plethora of practical activities such as self-reflection activities, practical exercises, self-assessment tests and structured tips. Big part of the material is targeted at parents however some parts can be used together with the family member with disability in order to influence on his/her self-regulation. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take the guidance, explanations, case studies and exercises as a prescription but use them to improve your self-reflection. The theoretical part is based on thorough researches made by psychologists and disability practitioners while the practical part is led through the field work involving people with disabilities and their relatives. Of course this is the experience of different stakeholders but you can take advantage of that information you consider applicable for your family case. If you need further clarification or support you may contact respective professionals.

Theoretical part 2.1 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Conflict management and problem solving 2.1.1 The nature of the conflict How often do you see people in your extended social community who believe their family gets along just fine and doesn't have any problems? However, upon further review, you find that screaming, yelling, name-calling and physical aggressiveness is happening frequently. There almost seems to be a denial This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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that there is a deeper issue, and because of this, the conflict continues and people may think that destructive behaviours are acceptable. Whether it is sibling rivalries, parents behaving badly, physically or verbally abusive behaviours and/or conflicts between extended family members, these patterns of conflicts may endure from generation to generation.

Fig. 2.1 Conflict resolved cartoon The underlying issue that drives all conflicts is power, along with the way we are taught to look at power. In some problematic families parents may manipulate the feelings of power through threats, punishments and painful words, and it is from these behaviours that we develop a mistrust of our parents and then the world. The unfortunate result is that we believe that we have to be the ones to protect our own powerâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;often at any cost. These challenges to our power are often played out in the conflicts in our families and extend.

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Fig. 2.2 Conflict handling intentions

In our experience in working with families, we find that most with problematic conflict either have parents that:

1. Are manipulative and try to push the buttons of their family members including those with disability with threats, empty promises or gifts.

2. Are directly controlling and try to force their family members including those with disability to do things that breed resentment and conflict.

3. Are inconsistent and send mixed messages to their family members including those with disability without consistent guidance or support, letting their pupils try to establish dominance among themselves and against their parents.

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4. Have unwittingly or purposely pitted their family members including those with disability against each other, regardless of their motivation.

In almost all these situations, the parents are either blind to the way they're approaching these issues and/or are unable or unwilling to admit that they do these things even when confronted. When your family member with disability feels that you as a parent are looking out more for yourself than them, they stop trusting you. Where there is no trust there is no sense of safety or security. When people do not feel safe they live with a feeling of fear and often feel that they need to take matters into their own hands. Therefore, they will either challenge you and/or others for power and control or will surrender their wants and needs to others and let themselves be controlled.

If you look at most family conflicts they often continue because each one or both people are looking to try to prove that they are better, stronger, and more correct in a belief or attitude than the other person. Kids are often competing for love and acceptance from their parents and parents may indirectly encourage these conflicts while wanting to push their kids to be better.

Practical part 2.1.2 Self-reflection activity Is this happened in your family? Do you know the stories of other families who experience the same behavioural challenges? How they react? Who support them the problem? Does their experience make them more resilient? How long time they spent to get out from the problematic situation?

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Theoretical part 2.1.3. Conflict resolution styles These are situations where the interests of the two sides (two people, two organizations and so on) seem incompatible. The behaviour of each individual in such a situation can be described in two dimensions assertiveness and cooperativeness. x

Assertiveness – it is the degree in which an individual attempts to satisfy their own needs and concerns;

Cooperativeness – it is the degree in which the individual is willing to satisfy the other person’s interests and concerns.

Fig. 2.3 Conflict resolution styles diagram

According to the orientation to assertiveness or cooperativeness five different ways of dealing with conflicts have been determined. They are described below: Competing style is highly assertive and low cooperative – the individual follows their own interests and concerns at the expense of the other side. This approach of conflict This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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resolution is a power-oriented and coercive one. Persons attempt to win using their position and personal power â&#x20AC;&#x201C; their ability to argue and discuss, to assert themselves, its social status, economical possibilities and so on. Competing can mean: x

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Standing up for your rightsâ&#x20AC;?;

To defend a position which you consider to be right;

Or just try to win.

Collaborating style is both highly assertive and cooperative. It is the complete opposite of avoiding. Collaboration is an attempt to find out a solution to the problem, which is mutually beneficial. That means considering and analysing the problem in order to determine the deep interests of the both sides and to find out alternatives to satisfy them. Collaboration between both sides can comprise: x

An attempt to study disagreements and differences to find out a mutually acceptable solution;

An attempt to reach an agreement over debatable conditions, which otherwise could lead to resource competition;

An attempt to oppose aiming to discover a favourable decision of an interpersonal problem.

Compromising style is moderate in the assertiveness/cooperativeness dimensions. It aims to find out an acceptable decision which partially satisfies both sides. In order to achieve a decision each side compromises or gives something in return to something else. It falls intermediate between competing and accommodating. Compromising gives up more than competing but less than accommodating. This style enables the sides to face the problem more directly than avoiding style, but the problem is not studied deeply as in collaborating style. This style can mean: x

Exchange of concessions;

Seeking a quick middle-ground solution.

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Avoiding style is both low assertive and cooperative – the individuals neither pursue nor satisfy their own interests nor the concerns of the other side. There is no attempt to deal with the conflict. The avoidance might take the form of: x

Diplomatic withdrawal of a problem;

Postponing the problem for better time;

Withdrawal of a threatening situation.

Accommodating style is low assertive and highly cooperative and it is opposite of the competing. The individual neglects their own needs and interests in order to satisfy the ones of the other side. Accommodation can have a form of a: x

Disinterested generosity or charity;

Submission to the interests of the other side even if we don’t like them;

Or acceptance of the other’s point of view

Everyone uses all five styles in dealing with problems and conflicts. There are no universal or right answers which can determine the choice of behaviour in such situations. All five styles are applicable in every situation including people with different types of disabilities. People say that “Two heads are more than one” (collaboration), but they also say “kill your enemy with flattery” (accommodation), “Share your differences” (compromise), “Power makes laws.” (Competition) or “Better leave him to fail on his own” (avoidance). Nevertheless some of us use a given approach more frequently or better than other people and thus they rely more on their temperament or life experience. Thus conflict behaviour is a result of personal features and requirements of a specific situation.

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Fig. 2.4 Conflict styles

Practical part 2.1.4 Self-reflection activity In situation of conflict with your members which of the above mentioned styles did you use? Do you know why? Did you select this style deliberately or spontaneously? Do you think that there is another way to solve the conflict situation? How did you feel after solving of the conflict? Did you share your feelings with other people?

2.1.5 Problem solving tips

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Here are 9 tips to help you resolve possible conflicts so that you can live in a more peaceful family.

1. Take a look at your family of origin and see if you can find some similar patterns that are happening in your current family. Often the patterns are played out from generation to generation. What did you learn about trust and fear in your family? How did you work out conflicts? How did you express love and devotion?

2. Look very closely at your own behaviours and motivations and ask your partner to do the same. Be aware that in case of need you may ask for help from a professional on the problematic issues. Often parents will ask friends or other family members if they see any problems or patterns, and many do not feel comfortable giving honest feedback and/or may have some similar issues and therefore don't see them.

Is that the case in your family? If so, how you react? Who helps you?

3. Look for patterns of conflicts in the relationship with your partner. Did your family members including those with disability learn how to fight and argue from adults in the family? Is conflict the norm in your family? Do you think that all families fight and argue? Do you think that screaming, yelling and hitting are signs of showing love?

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Hopefully your answers to these questions are "no." If you answers are â&#x20AC;&#x153;yesâ&#x20AC;? maybe you need to reconsider your behaviour next time when such situation occurs?

4. Communicate with your family members. Don't turn conflicts into lectures and punishments. There may be consequences after your family members including those with disability get into a conflict, but ask them how they may be feeling. Parents are often surprised to find out that their family members feel unloved and/or treated unfairly. Did you experience frequently conflicts in your family? Are you performing your speech as lectures to punish your family members? Think about the last one and you may reconsider your behaviour. Did you take into account how your family members feel?

5. If your family members including those with disability do share their feelings with you, be careful not to excuse their feelings or explain them away. Sometimes may be you feel frustrating to hear that your family members feel betrayed, cheated, unloved, rejected, or treated differently than siblings. In some cases the temptation is to tell them how they are wrong. Instead, listen to how they may be right and look for solutions. Is that the case in your family? Do your family members feel rejected and unloved? Can you try to reconsider your behaviour next time when you have such situation? What is the behaviour of your partner? If needed, can you support him/her as well to change his/her behaviour towards your family member including those with disability?

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6. Find consistent consequences for your family members and follow through on them.

7. Encourage your family members to find solutions to their conflicts. Don't always come to the rescue, and be careful to notice if you take of your family memberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s side over the others.

8. Don't use age, gender or disability as an excuse for a person's behaviours or responsibilities. Try to focus on their strengths and weaknesses instead. For example don't say: "Your little brother's younger and doesn't know better," or "She's just a girl andâ&#x20AC;Ś". People will figure out your attitudes and beliefs and will play on them to their advantage.

9. See if you can find a creative way to have your family members work towards a common goal. Often when we have something that we're working for together, the differences and conflicts start to fall away. Is that the case in your family? Did you discuss this with your partner? Is there any alternative?

Theoretical part 2.1.6. What professional conciliators suggest in order resolving personal conflict

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Keeping that in mind, here some practical tips, gleaned from professional conciliators that can help you resolve personal conflict:

Define the problem and stick to the issue. Clearly define the issue and stay on topic during the discussion. Conflict deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words, past issues, or hurts tossed into the mix. Pursue purity of heart. Before approaching others regarding their faults and shortcomings, prayerfully face up to your own. Confess any way you might have contributed to the problem. Plan a time for the discussion. Plan a time to meet with the other person when you are both rested and likely to respond in love to the other person's concerns. When you are tired, stressed, and distracted with other responsibilities, things rarely will go well. Affirm the Relationship. Affirm the relationship before clearly defining the problem. For example, "Our relationship is important to me. But when you don't return my calls, I feel rejected and unimportant." Avoid blaming the other person and saying, "You make me feelâ&#x20AC;Ś" Instead, say, "When you do 'A', I feel 'B'." Listen carefully. Once you share your feelings, listen to the other person's perspective. Lean in; be present. One of the most powerful communication techniques we know is to listen well. Make sure your body language conveys that you are open to the other's perspective. Reflect back to the individual what you believe you have heard. For example, "I heard you say that you feel expectations from me. Is that correct?" Forgive. Forgiveness is both an event and a process. You can make forgiveness concrete with four promises: I promise I won't bring this up and use it against you in the future. I promise I'm not going to dwell on it in my own heart and mind. I'm not going to talk to other people about it. I'm not going to let it stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Propose a solution. Remember the relationship is more important than the issue. When working toward a solution, consider "each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Seek solutions that keep everyone's best interests in mind.

Practical part 2.1.7 How do you deal with conflicts? (Self-assessment test)

All people fall into a conflicting situation. Imagine a situation of communication with another person when you find out that your opinions and views differ from those of your partner. A couple of statements have been listed below which describe all the possible actions in that situation. For each couple please circle one of the statements “A” and “B” – which better corresponds to your behaviour in that situation. It is possible that in some of the neither cases neither “A”, or “B” reflects your typical behaviour. Despite this please chose the answer which is more likely to be preferred by you. Thank you! N

A/B

ANSWERS

There are situations when I give the others the responsibility to solve the problems.

Instead of discussing the things which rise disagreement I focus on those which we agree about.

I try to find out a compromising solution.

I try to consider all the interests of both sides.

I usually firmly follow the set goals.

I try to calm down the emotions of the other side and keep friendly terms.

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I try to find a compromising solution.

I sometimes sacrifice my desires because of the desires of the other side.

I constantly look for the help of the other side at making decisions.

I try to do the necessary in order to avoid the unnecessary stress.

I avoid causing troubles

I try to make my position winning.

I try to put of the dealing with the problem until I have time to think it over.

I give up on some points for the sake of the others.

I usually strictly follow the set goals.

I always try to reveal all problems and interests.

I don’t think that the differences are something which worth constant worries. I make efforts to follow my own way.

B 10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

I strictly follow the set goals.

I try to find a compromising solution.

I always try to reveal all problems and interests.

I try to calm down the emotions of the other side and keep friendly terms.

I sometimes avoid taking position which will arise contradiction.

I agree to the views of the other side if it agrees with some of mine

I suggest decisions which are in the middle between two extremes.

I exercise pressure to achieve the set things.

I share with the other side my ideas and I ask it for theirs.

I try to show to the other side the logic and value of my position.

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15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

I try to calm down the emotions of the other side and keep friendly terms.

I try to do the necessary in order to avoid the unnecessary stress.

I try not to offend the feelings of the other side.

I try to persuade the other side in the advantages of my position.

I usually strictly follow the set goals.

I try to do the necessary in order to avoid the unnecessary stress.

I let the other side to keep to its views if that makes it happy.

I agree to the views of the other side if it agrees with some of mine

I always try to reveal all problems and interests. .

I try to put of the dealing with the problem until I have time to think it over

I try immediately to work over our differences.

I try to find a just combination between the gain and loss of the both sides.

At the beginning of some talks I try to take into consideration the wishes of the other side.

B 22.

23.

24.

I am always ready to discuss the problem directly.

I try to find a position which is in the middle of the two extremes.

I support my desires.

I am very often concerned with the satisfaction of all your desires.

There are situations when I let the others take the responsibility for problem solving.

If the position of the other side seems too important for it I leave it to do what it wants. .

I try to find out a compromising solution.

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25.

26.

27.

28.

29.

30.

I try to show the other side the logic and value of my position.

At the beginning of some talks I try to take into consideration the wishes of the other side.

I offer a decision which is in the middle of the two extremes.

I am very often concerned with the satisfaction of all our desires.

I sometimes avoid taking position which will arise contradiction.

I let the other side to keep to its views if it will make it happy.

I usually firmly follow the set goals.

I usually look for the help of the other side to work out a decision.

I offer a decision which is in the middle of the two extremes.

I don’t think that the differences are something which worth constant worries.

I try not to offend the feelings of the other people.

I always share my problem with the other side if we can solve it together.

ANSWERS AND RESULTS Please circle the letters and report the sum at the end of each column. Then you will obtain your profile. Complete the table below with the obtained results. The results for each of the columns can vary from 0 – (quite rarely used approach of problem solving) to 12 – (quite often used approach of problem solving). Note down your sum of points for each of the columns. Compare your results with each of the five styles of problem solving and determine which of them are most frequently used by you. There are no good or bad results – different situations require different approaches.

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Competing

Collaborating

Compromising

1. 2. 3.

Accommodating

5. 6.

Avoiding

10.

11.

B ʤ B ʤ

12.

B B

13.

14.

ʤ ʤ

15.

16.

17.

ʤ ʤ

18.

19.

20.

21.

ʤ B

B ʤ

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22.

23.

ʤ ʤ

24. 25.

B ʤ

26.

B B

27. 28.

ʤ ʤ

29.

30.

Competing

Collaborating

Compromising

Avoiding

Accommodating

2.1.8. An exercise to deal with stress Progressive relaxation – a technique which is focused on relaxation of specific muscle groups as well as relaxation of the whole body. A progressive relaxation is the coping technique. At this process another different muscle group is under pressure which then relaxes. This technique is based on the idea that once our muscles are relaxed we interpret them as psychically comforted. This leads to reduction of stress perception. The experiments show that the use of progressive relaxation caused lowering of blood pressure and headaches. Here are the stages in a kind of progressive relaxation: 1 Sit down in a comfortable pose. 2. Close your eyes. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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3. Relax deeply all your muscles starting from the feet and upwards towards the face. Hold them relaxed. 4. Breathe through your nose. When you exhale say the word “one” silently to yourself. For example you exhale “one” and inhale-exhale and so on. Breathe lightly and naturally. 5. Continue for 10 to 20 minutes. You can open your eyes, to check the time but you don’t use an alarm clock. When you finish, you should sit slowly, calmly for several minutes first with closed and then with opened eyes. Don’t stand up for several minutes. 6. Don’t worry if you haven’t achieved a satisfactory result from the relaxation. Keep your passive predisposition and let the relaxation to reveal it with its own pace. When the worrying thoughts appear try to ignore them by not letting them to obsess you and go back to repeat “one”. In fact the result will come after some efforts. Exercise this technique once or twice daily but not within two hours before a meal.

2.1.9. Stress-vaccination as a coping mechanism. Sometimes people see the situation in black and white with unambiguous terms. For strangers these terms seem illogical and irrational. A lot of people according to Albert Ellis use superstitions in their behaviour. We feel that we have to be completely competent, adequate and satisfied and you think that it is awful when the things don’t take the desired course. First step – a process of developing and understanding one’s behaviour and thoughts. Diaries help a lot. Thus a person can identify the specific circumstances and predisposition which create and sustain stress. This process can lead to a stronger sense of control because a person starts to understand the specific reasons for its negative feelings. Second step – mentally a person starts feeling and initiating behaviour which doesn’t correspond to its former irrational behaviour. When you apply the below mentioned statements a person can learn to cope with stress in a rational and constructive way. Preparation What should I do? This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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I can make a plan and share it. It is possible that the thing which I perceive as anxiety and impatience at confronting with stressing factor. Don’t worry, worrying won’t help? Confrontation Take the things on time. I can handle and control the situation. Anxiety is the thing which I thought was going to happen and I said I feel. That reminds me to use my coping exercises. Relax: I control myself. Breath slowly, inhales deeply. Coping: When the fear comes just hold on for a minute. Keep focused on the things, what should I do? I cannot eliminate fear completely, I can only control it. Self-support: That works. I did it. Hold on until I tell someone about that. That wasn’t as bad as I expected. It becomes better and better every time I use procedures. To understand better your feelings and how do you react in situations, please, answer next questions with Yes/No. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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YES

1. Has it ever happened to you to get so excited by some thoughts that you cannot stay still? 2. Have you ever been troubled by a â&#x20AC;&#x153;restless thoughtâ&#x20AC;? which turns in your head over and over again? 3. Is it possible to dissuade you quickly? 4. Do you think that people can trust your word? 5. Can you forget about your current work and go to enjoy yourself in a pleasant company? 6. Does it often happen that you make a decision too late? 7. Do you think that your work is a part of your daily routine? 8. Do you like work which requires a high concentration of your attention? 9. Do you like to talk about your past? 10. Is it difficult for you to forget about your duties on a busy place? 11. Have you ever been obsessed by thoughts and images so that you cannot sleep? 12. When you are busy with your own job do you show interest to the work of your relatives? 13. Does it happen often to feel like being alone? 14. Do you think you are a happy? 15. Do you feel confused in the presence of people from the opposite sex? 16. Do you feel troubled by the sense of guilt? 17. Have you ever been late for work or a date? 18. Is it hard for you to switch from one kind of job to another? 19. Do you often feel lonely? 20. Do you spend a lot of time in contemplating about good old times from your past? 21. Do you prefer to stay unnoticed at a party? 22. Do you prefer to stay unnoticed at a party? 23. Do you often feel dissatisfied? 24. Do you tend to complete a given task even if the next one is more interesting? 25 Do you feel that work is the most important thing in life for you ? 26. It is difficult for you to break your pet habits and routines? This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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27. Do you like contemplating about your past? 28. Do you consider yourself a happy man who does everything in life with ease? 29. Is it easy to offend and abuse you in different circumstances? 30. Are you prone to quick and decisive actions? 31. Do you always think that there is another way to act after you have acted differently? 32. Do you easily change from one job to another? 33. Do you sometimes have the feeling of loneliness? 34. Do you sometimes work as if your life depends on it? 35. Can you stop an already started job and immediately proceed to another?

You could assess your anxiety, extroversion, which is demonstrated in openness in communication and interaction with the others and rigidity or flexibility of your behaviour. Anxiety is experiencing emotional discomfort which is connected with expecting failure, feeling nervous or worried. Being extrovert means openness, directing yourself towards others and making contacts easily and it is demonstrated through optimistic life predisposition towards the others and yourself. Rigidity is the lack of flexibility at problem solving in redirecting the course of thoughts, at changing intentions and behaviour according to the situation.

Anxiety 1 point for answering “YES” questions - 1,2,4,10,11,16,23,25,29,31,34 and for answering “NO” questions- 5,7,14, 15, 17, 22, 28. People who are anxious have a result above 9 p. High anxiety can disturb the performance and leads to higher stress.

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Extroversion 1 point for answering “YES” questions - 6, 8, 9, 13, 19, 20, 21, 27, 33 and for answering “NO” question - 30. If the result is over 5 points you’re an introvert type. That means that you will feel better at which doesn’t offer opportunities to contact, communicate and interaction with other people. If the result is below 5 points you are an extrovert type. The communication with people and making new contacts is suitable to you in high degree. If the sum is above 5 the person is introvert. And one whose sum is below 5 is an extrovert. Rigidity 1 point for answering “YES” questions -18, 24, 26 and for answering “NO” questions -3, 12, 32, 35. Rigid people have a sum which is above or equal to 4, and flexible people have a sum which is equal or less than 3. For rigid people the sum is over or equal to 4, and for flexible people it is lower or equal to 3. If you have a rigid personality you will find suitable jobs which offer clear and precise requirements and rules and they do not demand change in your behaviour or ways of reacting. If you are a flexible type, you can cope with challenges and new situations, which do not have clear rules for you behaviour and way of action. You can react according to the circumstances and show flexibility and inventiveness at solving problems and dealing with problem situations.

2.1.10. Problem solving exercise The parent and the person with disability will play two different roles; each of them should produce a collage of images from magazines. Each of them will receive few This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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magazines. One of them has half of the tools required, (scissors) and the other has the rest (glue, brushes and markers). To complete the two collages they need to cooperate and to make an order how to use the tools.

2.1.11 Sheet with steps for problem solving (reflection activity) Answer all the questions below as frankly as possible:

What is the problem? ...........................................................................................................................................

What are the alternative solutions? ...........................................................................................................................................

What are the resources? ...........................................................................................................................................

Analysis of alternatives ...........................................................................................................................................

Implementation of the selected solution ...........................................................................................................................................

Assessment of the decision - Is it effective, why is it effective, why isn't it effective? ...........................................................................................................................................

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Start with the need to solve the various problems we face in everyday life. While handing out the materials the participants should consider what problems they solved in the last few days and the problems that must be solved in the near future. Then the steps used in solving the problem are marked and written.

Description of steps What is the problem? One of the hardest things in solving the problem is to determine exactly what the problem is. What are the alternatives? (Resources at disposal) After the problem is determined prepare a list with alternatives (this includes resources - finance, friends, talent ...) that could help to solve the problem. Analysis of alternatives - Each alternative is considered separately, the best one is sought. Choice of alternatives. Decision and its implementation. Assessment of the decision. Choosing and implementation of the selected solution is not the end of the process. Now you need to find out whether the chosen solution works efficiently.

2.2 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Decision making Theoretical part

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Fig. 2.6 Decision making blackboard matrix In this section, decision making is the act of expressing choice and preference and being able to act upon that choice. For people with disabilities this particularly relates to being able to choose the supports they need to enable them to lead a lifestyle of their choice. The types of choices people have are not limitless. A person’s individual circumstances will influence the choices open to them. This includes factors such as environment, budget, skills, preparation and time. People including those with a disability should: ͻ ŚĂǀĞ ƚŚĞ ƐĂŵĞ ĨƌĞĞĚŽŵƐ͕ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ ĂŶĚ ůŝĨĞ experiences as people without disability; ͻ have individual autonomy and freedom to make their own choices; ͻ ƌĞĐĞŝǀĞ ĂĚĞƋƵĂƚĞ͕ ĂĐĐĞƐƐŝďůĞ ĂŶĚ ĂĐĐƵƌĂƚĞ ŝŶĨŽƌŵĂƚŝŽŶ ĂďŽƵƚ ƚŚĞŝƌ ůĞŐŝƐůĂƚĞd rights and responsibilities with regard to decision making; This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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ͻ ƌĞĐĞŝǀĞ ƐƵƉƉŽƌƚ͕ ĞĚƵĐĂƚŝŽŶ ĂŶĚ ƌĞƐŽƵƌĐĞƐ ƚŽ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ ƚŚĞŝƌ ƌŝŐŚƚƐ ĂŶĚ responsibilities; ͻ ďĞ ƚƌĞĂƚĞĚ ǁŝƚŚ ĚŝŐŶŝƚǇ͕ ƌĞƐƉĞĐƚ͕ ĐŽŶƐŝĚĞƌĂƚŝŽŶ ĂŶĚ ƐĞŶƐŝƚŝǀŝƚǇ͘

Check UN convention on the rights of persons with disabilities: http://www.un.org/disabilities/default.asp?navid=13&pid=150

According to the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities disability results from the interaction between persons with impairments and attitudinal and environmental barriers that hinders their full and effective participation in society on an equal basis with others.

Fig. 2.7 Find the answers

People with disabilities should: This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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ͻ ƌĞƐƉĞĐƚ ƚŚĞ ƌŝŐŚƚƐ ĂŶĚ ƌĞƐƉŽŶƐŝďŝůŝƚŝĞƐ ŽĨ ŽƚŚĞƌ ƉĞŽƉůĞ

Fig. 2.8 Decisions

Family members, professionals and support providers should: ͻ ĂĐƚ in accordance with the rights of people with disabilities; ͻ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ ĂŶĚ ŬĞĞƉ ƵƉ ƚŽ ĚĂƚĞ ǁŝƚŚ Ăůů ƌĞůĞǀĂŶƚ ůĞŐŝƐůĂƚŝŽŶ ĂŶĚ ƉŽůŝĐŝĞƐ͖ ͻ ĂƐƐŝƐƚ ƉĞŽƉůĞ ǁŝƚŚ disabilities to be aware of and understand their rights and responsibilities. Each person with disability should have the freedom to: ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ĂŶĚ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ ƚŚĂƚ ĂĨĨĞĐƚ ƚŚĞŵ͖ ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ Ăƚ Ă ƚŝŵĞ ĂŶĚ ƉůĂĐĞ ƚŚĂƚ ŝƐ ĐŽŶǀĞŶŝĞŶƚ ƚŽ ƚŚĞŵ͖ ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ ŽƚŚĞƌ ƉĞŽƉůĞ ĚŝƐĂŐƌĞĞ ǁŝƚŚ ďĞŝŶŐ ƌĞƐƉĞĐƚĞĚ ĨŽƌ͗ the decisions that are made the requirements and information needed to make a decision the way that decisions are communicated the fact that a person can change his/her mind

People with disabilities should be treated equally by being able to: ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ŶŽ ŵĂƚƚĞƌ ǁŚŽ ƚŚĞǇ ĂƌĞ͕ ǁŚĞƌĞ ƚŚĞy live or whatever their abilities. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Being afforded the dignity to: ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ǁŝƚŚŽƵƚ ŚĂǀŝŶŐ ƚŽ ĂƐŬ ƉĞƌŵŝƐƐŝŽŶ ĨƌŽŵ ĂŶǇŽŶĞ ĞůƐĞ͖ ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ǁŝƚŚŽƵƚ ŚĂǀŝŶŐ ƚŽ ƚĞůů ŽƚŚĞƌ ƉĞŽƉůĞ ĂďŽƵƚ ƉĞƌƐŽŶĂů ďƵƐŝŶĞƐƐ͖ ͻ ƉĂƌƚŝĐŝƉĂƚĞ ĨƵůůǇ ŝŶ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ƚŚĂƚ ĂĨĨĞĐƚ them.

Fig. 2.9 Decision making

2.2.1 Classical Decision Theory (CDT) According to Classical Decision Theory (CDT), making decisions involves choosing a course of action among a fixed set of alternatives with a specific goal in mind. The three components of a decision are:

Options or courses of action

Beliefs and expectancies of the options in achieving the goal

Outcome

expectancies

(negative

positive).

This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. Commi Co mmis mm issio on n. This Thiis Th is publication pub ub blilicati cation ca tion reflects ref efl fle lect cts ts the th he views vviiews only on o nly nl ly any ny use use se which which may be be made of thee information inform rrm mation of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any contained therein.

33 3

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Fig.2.10 Decision making diagram

The Classical Decision Making Theory focuses on how and why decisions deviate from a certain standard of rationality, which is based on optimality. According to this theory, the aim in making a decision is to maximize the gains, or expected value of the outcome, and use information in a way that would accomplish this goal. The expected value is a linear model that expresses a multiplicative relationship between probability and utility.

However, the Classical Decision Making Theory has failed to explain behaviour and decision-making in practical, real world situations. This theory is limited in descriptive power because it treats all decisions as essentially the same, comparing them to a normative standard. However, individuals have not been found to make decisions following a normative model.

Indeed, the decision making process includes the choice making process as one of its components. The choice making supposes: -

To know the most important options

To evaluate the consequences of some actions to realize

To consider the possibility that it is going to be developed

To establish the relative importance (value or convenience) of each consequence

To integrate the value and the possibility in order to identify the most interesting path.

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Most of the disabled people do not have the opportunity to develop the making choice process, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why it is a key element to develop. Therefore, an important step is the inclusion and participation of disabled people in these processes.

Fig. 2.11 How to make the best decision Moreover, it is very important to stress that, recently, some researchers, as Fischhoff and Loewenstein, emphasize the effect of environment, society context, and emotional influences on decision making.

All practical steps should allow enabling a person with disability to participate in the comprehension and action to protect their interests. For example, there are disability services that should seek to involve the person including in the dispute arises between other parties, like family and service provider, or about decision or services for the person. Nevertheless, to maximise the involvement of a person with disability, it is important to make the decision making process sensitive to the personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s particular needs. In a person with a cognitive disability, appropriate approach includes the following topics, for example: This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Make the meeting room

Show the person the room in advance of

informal and free of

the meeting

distractions Provide the person with

Enhanced by pictorial or taped/audio

advance explanations about

formats

the process in plain language

Spend extra time at the

By allow the person to get comfortable

start of the meeting

with the environment and atmosphere.

Ensure

that

communication

all in

the

meeting is unhurried and in

Avoid leading questions Avoid abstractions where practicable. Deal with one issue at a time

plain language If the person has problems

Endeavour to deal with issues when they

with memory

occur to the person (Community Services Commission (CSC) focus group)

As the meeting unfolds

Check the person's understanding of the process and what is being said Have regular breaks

Fig. 2.12 Table based on material of Spice Consulting (1997)

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2.2.2. The seven principles in decision making of people with disabilities The following diagram represents the levels of supports required by people to make decisions, from advice, supports, informal arrangements through to more formal arrangements and ultimately substituted decision making.

Fig. 2.13 Person make the decision

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This chapter is built around seven decision making principles which provide a basis from which to consider the diverse range of decisions and circumstances of each person with disability. This chapter provides detailed discussion about each principle:

Fig. 2.14 Seven principles Decision making principle 1â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Everyone has the right to make decisions about the things that affect him/her

What kinds of decisions do we mean? This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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People with disabilities have the right to make choices about decisions that have an effect on their life, as far as they are able to. This includes: ͻ ĂŶǇ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶ ƚŚĂƚ Ă ƉĞƌƐŽŶ ǁŝƚŚŽƵƚ Ă ĚŝƐĂďŝůŝƚǇ ǁŽƵůĚ ĞǆƉĞĐƚ ƚŽ ŵĂŬĞ ͻ any decision specific to a person’s disability and their required supports

Types of decisions people with disabilities might need to make include, but are not limited to: Day to Day: what to wear, when and what to eat, when to get up or go to bed. Lifestyle and Recreation: family and friendships, relationships and sexuality, involvement in cultural and religious events, keeping fit, shopping, using the internet, smoking/drinking, going to the pub / club / cinema, holidays and days out. Employment and Education: choosing a field

work,

applying

for

jobs,

attending tertiary education, changing jobs/courses Living Arrangements: who to live with and where, type of accommodation, leaving home, moving home, decorating or making changes. Fig. 2.15 Decision making Access to Services: choosing service providers, choosing day services and times to attend, choosing support workers Healthcare and Medical: routine medical and dental, emergency care, speech therapy, physiotherapy, hospital visits and surgery, right to refuse care This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Financial: banking, buying everyday items, paying for expensive items, getting a loan, paying bills. Legal: signing contracts, providing consent, giving power of attorney, getting married /divorced, wills and estate management. Choice is not unlimited Few people have unlimited choices in life. A person’s individual circumstances will restrict the choices open to them. Factors such as budget, training and skills, preparation, environment and time may limit a person’s options. People respond to limitations in different ways. For example, overseas travel is expensive and some people will be prepared to save up to be able to make the trip. Others will decide that they can’t or don’t want to save the money and will decide to do something else. People with disabilities have the same limitations on decisions and lifestyle as others in society. However some people may need assistance to help address any factors limiting their activities and decisions, for example advice on saving money. Ways to address these limitations should be considered as part of all decisions in order to ensure greater choice. Fig. 2.16 Make the right decision could be a challenge Assistance should be provided where required Sometimes people may need additional assistance to understand and communicate their choices. This might include information in different formats, communication aids, translators or longer timeframes. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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The methods that people need to both understand and communicate their decisions do not affect their right to make decisions. People have the right to any information or supports they need to help them make and express their decisions. The parents of disabled children could: ͻ ƌĞŵŝŶĚ people with disabilities that they have a right to make decisions; ͻ ƌĞŵŝŶĚ ƚŽ ƚŚĞŝƌ ƉĞĞƌƐ͕ ƚĞĂĐŚĞƌƐ͕ ĐŽ-workers etc. that people with disabilities have the right to make decisions; ͻ ŚĞůƉ ƚŽ ƐĞƚ ƵƉ ƐŝƚƵĂƚŝŽŶƐ ǁŚĞƌĞ ĐŚŝůĚƌĞŶ ŚĂǀĞ ƌĞĂů ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ͖ ͻ ŚĞůƉ ĐŚŝůĚƌĞŶ ƚŽ ŐĞƚ ŝŶĨŽƌŵĂƚŝŽŶ ĂƐ ƌĞƋƵŝƌĞĚ ƚŽ ŚĞůƉ ƚŚĞŵ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ͖ ͻ refer a person to experts if they require specific help or assistance; ͻ ĂůůŽǁ ƚŝŵĞ ƚŽ ĞǆƉůŽƌĞ ƚŚĞŝƌ ƚŚŽƵŐŚƚƐ ĂŶĚ ĨĞĞůŝŶŐƐ; ͻ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ ƚŚĂƚ ŝƚ͛Ɛ ĚŝĨĨŝĐƵůƚ ƚŽ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ĂďŽƵƚ ƐŽŵĞ ŝƐƐƵĞƐ͕ ĂŶĚ ƚŚĂƚ ŝƚ͛Ɛ normal not to have an answer straight away; ͻ Ğncourage children to make up their own mind about what they think; ͻ ƚĂŬĞ ƚŚĞ ƚŝŵĞ ƚŽ ĂƐŬ children their opinions and not assume what they want; ͻ ƐƉĞĂŬ ƵƉ ĂŶĚ ƚĂŬĞ ĂĐƚŝŽŶ ŝĨ ƌĞƋƵŝƌĞĚ where children are being denied the right to make decisions; ͻ ŚĞůƉ children to lodge a complaint if they are denied the right to make decisions.

Decision making principle 2—Capacity to make decisions must be assumed

People with disabilities should: ͻ ŚĂǀĞ ŚŝƐͬŚĞƌ ĐĂƉĂĐŝƚǇ ƚŽ ŵĂŬĞ ŚŝƐͬŚĞƌ own decisions assumed; ͻ ďĞ advised of any assessments regarding their capacity to make decisions; ͻ ŚĂǀĞ ĂĐĐĞƐƐ ƚŽ ƌĞƉŽƌƚƐ and documents relating to his/her decision making capacity. While the right of people with disabilities to make decisions is increasingly acknowledged, many are still denied opportunities to fully participate in decision This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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making. One reason for this may be that people with disabilities are assumed not to have decision making capacity. This assumption is often the result of a lack of understanding about capacity and what it means for people. It may also be because there are different views about what constitutes capacity.

Things to consider as a parent:

What is decision making capacity? A person’s decision making capacity is their ability to make decisions about things that affect their daily life. Fig.2.17 Things to consider

This usually means that they are able to: ͻ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ ƚŚĞ ƐŝƚƵĂƚŝŽŶ ĂŶĚ ƚŚĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶ ƌĞƋƵŝƌĞĚ; ͻ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ ǁŚĂƚ ƚŚĞ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ ĂƌĞ ; ͻ ǁĞŝŐŚ ƵƉ ƚŚĞ ĐŽŶƐĞƋƵĞŶĐĞƐ ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ; ͻ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ how the consequences affect them; ͻ ĐŽŵŵƵŶŝĐĂƚĞ ƚŚĞŝƌ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶ.

A person’s decision making capacity is not related to whether they may: ͻ ŶĞĞĚ ŚĞůƉ ƚŽ ĚŽ ƐŽŵĞ Žƌ Ăůů ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ĂďŽǀĞ ; ͻ ƚĂŬĞ ůŽŶŐĞƌ ƚŽ ƚŚŝŶŬ ĂďŽƵƚ ƚŚŝŶŐƐ; ͻ ƌĞƋƵŝƌĞ ŵŽƌĞ ĞǆƉůĂŶĂƚŝŽŶ ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ŝƐsues; ͻ ŚĂǀĞ ĚŝĨĨŝĐƵůƚǇ ŝŶ ĐŽŵŵƵŶŝĐĂƚŝŶŐ ƚŚĞŝƌ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶ. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Why should we assume capacity? When people are denied the assumption of decision making capacity they are being: ͻ ĚĞŶŝĞĚ ƚŚĞ ƌŝŐŚƚ ƚŽ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ĂďŽƵƚ ƚŚĞ ƚŚŝŶŐƐ ƚŚĂƚ ĂĨĨĞĐƚ ƚŚĞŵ ͻ discriminated against By assuming capacity we are treating people with respect and recognising the right of people with disabilities to the same opportunities as other members of society.

Decisions are rarely made in isolation

It is important to remember that decisions are rarely made in isolation. All people make decisions using available information, including advice and support from friends, partners, family and significant people in their lives. Even people who lead very independent lives will use trusted friends, the internet, television and other media to inform their choices and decisions.

People with disabilities should not be assumed to lack decision making capacity because they require assistance from other people to make decisions. Capacity can change Capacity can be lost – temporarily or permanently – or regained depending upon a number of factors including: ͻ Ă ƉĞƌƐŽŶ͛Ɛ ĐƵƌƌĞŶƚ ŚĞĂůƚŚ ĐŽŶĚŝƚŝŽŶ - including mental health or the effects of drugs and alcohol; ͻ ůĞǀĞůƐ ŽĨ ƐƚƌĞƐƐ Žƌ ƌĞĐĞŶƚ ƚƌĂƵŵĂƚŝc events; ͻ ƚŚĞ ƚŝŵŝŶŐ ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶ͖ ͻ Ă ƉĞƌƐŽŶ͛Ɛ ĨĂŵŝůŝĂƌŝƚǇ ǁŝƚŚ ƚŚĞ ƐƵďũĞĐƚ ŵĂƚƚĞƌ ĂŶĚ ĂƉƉƌŽƉƌŝĂƚĞŶĞƐƐ ŽĨ ĂŶǇ ŝŶĨŽƌŵĂƚŝŽŶ they have been given; This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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ͻ ƚŚĞ ƉŚǇƐŝĐĂů ĞŶǀŝƌŽŶŵĞŶƚ ĂŶĚ ĂŶǇ ĚŝƐƚƌĂĐƚŝŽŶƐ͖

Assuming capacity as a starting point ensures respect for a person’s individual circumstances and provides a starting point to address the factors above should they be relevant. Legal capacity is a different issue Legal capacity is the ability to make binding legal arrangements, sue and make other decisions of a legal nature. It is linked to whether a person understands the significance of his/her actions. Legal capacity is assessed for every situation separately, and a person may have capacity to make some legal arrangements and not others. Whilst people with disabilities will occasionally need to make decisions that demand demonstration of legal capacity, such as signing contracts, most decisions do not involve or require legal capacity. When a person is considered not to have capacity If, having considered and applied the decision making principles and associated actions in this guide, you still feel there is reason to question a person’s capacity to make a specific decision a substitute decision process may be required.

Decision making principle 3—Every effort should be made to support people to make their decisions

A significant barrier to choice for people with disabilities is the perception from others that too much time and effort might be required to involve them in decision making processes. Providing people with the supports they need to understand decisions and express choices can take considerable time and effort, particularly in the short term. However,

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for some people it is only through provision of these supports that they can fully engage in decision making. People have the right to be supported in ways specific to them that helps them make their own decisions. Common factors There are some common factors which can affect the ability to make good decisions. However, most can be addressed with some thought about how they affect each individual. Some of these include: ͻ the type of decision being made – this can range from the everyday – such as what to wear or eat to more important decisions such as choosing where to live. ͻ timing – most people have a time of day when they are at their best. Find out when a person likes to do their thinking. If a decision isn’t urgent, wait for a time which is good for everyone. ͻ the complexity of the decision - decisions about complex issues decisions may require more information and take longer to consider. People should be given the time they require to understand what is being asked of them. ͻ the urgency of the decision – some decisions can be more urgent than others, for example when there is an important deadline. It is important to explain the timeframe and what will happen if they don’t make a decision. ͻ currency of the decision – some people like to plan their lives well ahead, others like to be more spontaneous and deal with things as they happen. Consider if decisions are required for something now or in the future and how a person likes to approach planning. ͻ the availability of information – this includes advice and support from others, information that is read or seen on television or details remembered from past experiences. Consider what information someone has already and what else might This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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help them to make their decision. Ask if they have any questions or would like any specific information and be creative in thinking what information might help. ͻ the physical environment - being in a noisy or busy place can affect a person’s concentration. A person may feel anxious or pressured in certain environments. Look for signs if a person is bothered or unhappy. If possible offer an option to go somewhere else or try later on. ͻ the sensitivity of the decision – personal issues may affect a person’s wish to obtain help or advice from others. It is important to respect a person’s privacy. If a decision involves a private issue, ask if there is a specific person they would like to help with the decision. ͻ personal issues faced by the person – ill health (including mental health), medication or stress can impede clear decision-making. A person may need help to manage other issues before they are ready to make a decision or leave the decision until later. All people have the ability to communicate, but not everyone communicates the same way. Communication is more than just words. It is a mistake to assume that people cannot communicate because they are non-verbal. People may be able to communicate through a wide range of methods.

Decision making principle 4—Capacity is decision specific

If a person has encountered issues or difficulty making some decisions, this does not mean that they will have difficulty with all decisions. As in all aspects of life, people are more skilled at some tasks than others. Capacity and skills can also be lost and/or regained. How a person makes a decision one day might be different the next. Some people get better at decision making, whilst others might be experiencing situations that limits capacity. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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It is therefore important to consider capacity as decision specific. This means that all decisions should be considered on their own basis and without undue reference to other decisions a person has made – whether related or not.

Understand the context of the decision. No decision is made in isolation. All choices have a context for the person and for those around them. For example, some people get nervous when faced with new experiences and may require additional time or information in order to make their decision.

Equally, if someone is making decisions that are the same or similar to ones they’ve made before, it can be helpful to remind them of what happened last time. This does not mean that they must do the same again but it may help with their new decision.

Fig. 2.18 The context of the decision Not all decisions are the same. For example, a person may have difficulty making decisions about budgeting and saving but know what makes them happy or what they want to do with their money. Capacity and skills can be lost or regained depending on a person’s circumstances. Some people can get better at decision making, whilst others may experience situations that limit their capacity – either temporarily or permanently. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Consider any changes in a person’s circumstances and how they might apply to how a person manages their current situation. If there are some important decisions needed in the near future, start planning ahead. Work together with the person to document views, opinions and ideas that might be important to them.

What as a parent you can do?

Fig. 2.19 Parent making the appropriate decision

Find out information about the person and the decision, particularly so assistance can be arranged if needed. This can include asking things like: ͻ ,ĂƐ ƚŚĞ children made this type of decision before? ͻ tŚĂƚ ĂƌĞ ƚŚĞ children’s strengths and weaknesses? ͻ ,ĂƐ ĂŶǇƚŚŝŶŐ ĐŚĂŶŐĞĚ ĨŽƌ ƚŚĞ children or their circumstances that you are aware of? This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Decision making principle 5—People have the right to learn from experience

People with disabilities should: ͻ ďĞ ĂďůĞ ƚŽ ĞǆƉůŽƌĞ͕ ĞǆƉƌĞƐƐ ĂŶĚ ĂĐƚ ŽŶ ƚŚĞŝƌ ǀĂůƵĞƐ ĂŶĚ ĂƚƚŝƚƵĚĞƐ ƚŚƌŽƵŐŚ ĂĐƚŝǀŝƚŝĞƐ of their choice; ͻ ƌĞĐĞŝǀĞ ŝŶĨŽƌŵĂƚŝŽŶ ĂŶĚ ƐƵƉƉŽƌƚ ƚŚĂƚ ĨĂĐŝůŝƚĂƚĞƐ ƚŚĞŝƌ ƉĂƌƚŝĐŝƉĂƚŝŽŶ ŝŶ ĂĐƚŝǀŝƚŝĞƐ ƚŽ explore their interests; ͻ ďĞ ĂďůĞ to try out and experiment to help them make decisions; ͻ ďĞ ĂďůĞ ƚŽ ƉĂƌƚŝĐŝƉĂƚĞ ŝŶ ĂĐƚŝǀŝƚŝĞƐ ǁŝƚŚ ĂŶ ĞůĞŵĞŶƚ ŽĨ ƌŝƐŬ͕ ǁŚĞƚŚĞƌ ƉĞƌĐĞŝǀĞĚ Žƌ actual. Personal experience can be a significant factor when making decisions. People are likely to be better equipped to make decisions if they have already experienced something similar first hand. Some people with disabilities may not have had as many opportunities to take part in experiences and actively explore their interests. This might be due to access and mobility issues or limited opportunity to meet people with similar interests. Equally, some people might have had limited experiences because of other people’s concerns about their safety. Whilst some activities might involve a degree of risk, opportunities for new experiences can be supported by exploring ways to manage risks and the possible consequences. In some cases a person may want to try something new but will not necessarily have all the information about it. The best way to find out whether it is suitable might be to simply try it out. Trying new things can be challenging – with new environments and new people – particularly for people who have not spent much time in different environments in their community. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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It is important to give people the information and time they need to feel comfortable in new situations. This could be through people sharing their experiences or researching information via the internet or other resources. For bigger and more significant decisions, more preparation might be required. Someone moving house may need several visits to potential locations, meetings with potential housemates and spending time in new places. Whatever the outcome of trying things out, people can learn from experiences and decide for them whether to do things again or not. You as a parent could discuss with your child with a disability activities, including: ͻ tŚĂƚ ƚǇƉĞƐ ŽĨ ƚŚŝŶŐƐ ƚŚĞǇ ůŝŬĞ ƚŽ ĚŽ͖ ͻ tŚĞther they do enough of the things they like; ͻ tŚĞƚŚĞƌ ƚŚĞǇ Ɛƚŝůů ĞŶũŽǇ ƚŚĞ ĂĐƚŝǀŝƚŝĞƐ ƚŚĞǇ ĚŽ ͖ ͻ /Ĩ ƚŚĞƌĞ ĂƌĞ ŶĞǁ ƚŚŝŶŐƐ ƚŚĞǇ͛Ě ůŝŬĞ ƚŽ ƚƌǇ ͖ ͻ ŶǇ ǁŽƌƌŝĞƐ ĂďŽƵƚ ƚƌǇŝŶŐ ŶĞǁ ƚŚŝŶŐƐ͖ ͻ ŶǇ ŝŶĨŽƌŵĂƚŝŽŶ ǇŽƵ ĐĂŶ ƉƌŽǀŝĚĞ͖ ͻ ŶǇ ĂĐƚŝǀŝƚŝĞƐ ůŝŶŬĞĚ ƚŽ ůŽŶŐ ƚĞƌŵ Őoals and ambitions. A valuable outcome from supporting someone to try new activities is meeting people with common views and interests. By meeting people through shared interests, people can make friends and naturally develop social networks. People with similar views and experiences might be better placed to understand their point of view and may be able to help them with their decision making as peers.

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Fig. 2.20 A family of a disabled child Risk is a common issue that arises around decision making for people with disabilities. People with disabilities should be able to do things that have a level of risk involved. This is sometimes referred to as dignity of risk. It assumes that a person has explored and understands the pros and cons of a decision or experience, including possibility of personal loss or injury, and still wants to go ahead. It is important to remember that risk can be an experience in itself. Exploring, understanding and finding ways to address risk can be challenging but also highly rewarding. Approaches to risk should be undertaken positively and in partnership with the person and, where relevant, their supporters. This means working together to understand the nature of potential risks, consider creative measures to minimise any risks and determine the agreed action. Any measures taken should be appropriate to the size of the risk and the activity. The departmentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s risk management framework offers a way to assess risk and develop strategies to reduce the impact of any identified risk. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Decision making principle 6—People have the right to change their minds

People with disabilities should: ͻ ďĞ ĂďůĞ ƚŽ ĐŚĂŶŐĞ ƚŚĞŝƌ ŵŝŶĚƐ ĂďŽƵƚ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ĨŽƌ ĂŶǇ ƌĞĂƐŽŶ ƚŚĂƚ ŝƐ ŝŵƉŽƌƚĂŶƚ ƚŽ them; ͻ ŐŝǀĞ ƌĞĂƐŽŶĂďůĞ ŶŽƚŝĐĞ ĂŶĚ ĞǆƉůĂŶĂƚŝŽŶ ĨŽƌ ĐŚĂŶŐĞĚ decisions, particularly where contracts or long term commitments are involved.

Fig. 2.21 A mother with her child

As people have the right to make decisions about their own lives, they also have the right to change their minds about their decisions. This might happen because new information is available or simply because the decision hasn’t worked out as expected or hoped. There will be instances where it is difficult to change decisions or start over. There may be consequences - for example, where contracts are involved. However, This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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people with disabilities should still be able to change decisions without fear that the change will work against other decisions that they will make in future. There are no right or wrong decisions Decision making is a highly personal process and definitions of right and wrong are not universal; a ‘wrong’ decision is not just one that has obvious negative consequences. A decision can also be ‘wrong’ because it does not feel right for the person who made it. In this case it is natural that someone might want to change his/her mind. While people always hope for positive outcomes from decisions, influencing factors can also lead to decisions that might be regretted later. It is only in hindsight that a judgement can be made if it was the ‘right’ decision. When someone changes their mind it is not necessarily a sign that they are indecisive or not capable of making decisions.

Practical part 2.2.3. Reasons why a person might change his/her mind (reflection activity) There are many reasons why a person might change his/her mind about a decision. These include: ͻ the outcome wasn’t as hoped: sometimes the outcome expected from a decision doesn’t happen. Some decisions may have a negative impact on a person’s circumstances such as affecting their health or their ability to live independently or adding pressure to friends and their family. Even well planned decisions can still result in different outcomes to what was hoped. This does not make the original decision wrong – it just means life doesn’t always go to plan.

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ͻ second thoughts: People often have second thoughts about their choices. This is often related to the circumstances when decisions are made. If people are rushed, not thinking clearly or even just carried away in the moment they can make snap decisions they later regret. ͻ new information - decisions are usually based on information that is available at the time. However, sometimes new information becomes available after the event which might lead to a wish to change the original decision. People with disabilities may need assistance to fully understand the consequences. There may be instances where it is problematic to change a decision or to start over. There may be consequences or – in the case of contracts – associated costs. In these circumstances it is important that people have as much information as possible and are appropriately supported to understand and act on any consequences for them or for others. It’s never too late Sometimes people worry about admitting they have changed their mind. Maybe something took a lot of organising or the consequences of changing seem large and scary. Some people are unassertive or shy and don’t like to speak up or make a fuss. Alternatively, some people might not realise or understand that they can change their minds.

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Fig.2.22 Happy family As a parent of a person with disability: Look out for signals ͻ

Is the person happy?

Does s/he seem happy?

Do you know what to look out for?

Ask! Encourage the person to describe how they feel about recent events. Make Time! Providing opportunities to speak candidly about how they feel. Make sure the person understands they can talk freely. Reinforce Rights! Remind people that they are allowed to make changes (if appropriate) and that have the right to do so.

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Theoretical part Decision making principle 7—People have the right to make decisions other people might not agree with

People with disabilities should: ͻ ďĞ ĂďůĞ ƚŽ ŵĂŬĞ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ ĂŶĚ ĂĐƚ ƵƉŽŶ ƚŚĞŵ ĂĐĐŽƌĚŝŶŐ ƚŽ ƚŚĞŝƌ ŽǁŶ ǀĂůƵĞƐ ĂŶĚ attitudes; ͻ ŚĂǀĞ ƚŚĞŝƌ ĂƚƚŝƚƵĚĞƐ and values heard and their decisions respected; ͻ ďĞ ĂďůĞ ƚŽ ĚĞƚĞƌŵŝŶĞ ƚŚĞŝƌ ŽǁŶ ǀŝĞǁƐ ŽŶ ĂŶǇ ƌŝƐŬ͕ ƉĞƌĐĞŝǀĞĚ Žƌ ĂĐƚƵĂů͕ ĂƐƐŽĐŝĂƚĞĚ with their choices and decisions; ͻ ĐŽŶƐŝĚĞƌ ƚŚĞ ŝŵƉĂĐƚ ŽĨ ƚŚĞŝƌ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ ĂŶĚ ĂĐƚŝŽŶƐ ŽŶ ŽƚŚĞƌƐ ĂƐ ƉĂƌƚ ŽĨ ƚŚĞŝƌ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶ making; ͻ ƚĂŬĞ ƌĞƐƉŽŶƐŝďŝůŝƚǇ ĨŽƌ ƚŚĞŝƌ ĐŚŽŝĐĞƐ ĂŶĚ ĚĞĐŝƐŝŽŶƐ͘

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Fig. 2.23 Happy family (2) Whilst everyone has the right to make decisions about the things that affect them, sometimes support workers and/or supporters and/or relatives may not agree with particular decisions. However, they must respect the opinions, values and choices of the person and not unduly impose their own values or attitudes on the person. Where there is disagreement about a decision based on a different view of the risk involved or the potential for harm, the emphasis should be on assisting the person to understand and obtain information about the risks and any mitigation. Important decisions where firm disagreement exists (between, for example, the person and their parents) may need independent mediation. Decision making often comes down to what feels right for someone according to their values and attitudes. Confidence to make decisions comes from understanding what feels is right or wrong to each individual. When supporting your child with a disability it is important to: ͻ ŵĂŬĞ ĞĨĨŽƌƚƐ ƚŽ ƵŶĚĞƌƐƚĂŶĚ ƚŚĞŝƌ ǀĂůƵĞƐ ĂŶĚ ĂƚƚŝƚƵĚĞƐ͖ ͻ ƌĞƐƉĞĐƚ ƚŚĞŝƌ ǀĂůƵĞƐ ĂŶĚ ĂƚƚŝƚƵĚĞƐ ĞǀĞŶ ŝĨ ƚŚĞǇ ĂƌĞ ĚŝĨĨĞƌĞŶƚ ĨƌŽŵ ǇŽƵƌ ŽǁŶ͘

Practical part 2.2.4 Case studies (reflection activity) Case study 1 – Lucy’s decision

Lucy is 19 years old. She lives with her mum, dad and her 17 year old sister, Rachel who is also her best friend. Lucy has an intellectual disability and limited verbal communication. She finished school last year but decided to take some time off before starting a course. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Principle 1—Everyone has the right to make decisions about things that affect them Lucy told mum and dad that she wanted to earn some money before studying and that she would like to get a part time job. Over dinner the family talked about things that Lucy liked to do. Rachel joked that Lucy liked shopping more than working. Lucy said how much she had enjoyed working in the school garden and Dad suggested maybe Lucy could get a job in a local nursery. Lucy loved this idea and told her family that was what she wanted to do. Everyone agreed that they would all help Lucy to find out more to make her ideas a reality. Principle 2—Capacity to make decisions must be assumed Dad had a friend, Pete, who was a landscape gardener. He said he would ask him about the possibility of Lucy working with him. Unfortunately, Pete wasn’t very helpful. He said he didn’t think Lucy understood what was involved in working in a garden and that she wouldn’t really want to work outside, especially in winter. Pete said Dad should tell her to get an easier job instead, maybe in a shop. Dad told Pete that Lucy had already thought about it and made up her mind to try it out. Pete still wasn’t convinced and said he couldn’t help. Lucy was upset, but everyone told her that they knew it was what she wanted to do and would keep helping her. Principle 3—Every effort should be made to support people make their decisions Rachel worked with Lucy to look up job advertisements on the internet and in the local newspaper. Mum and Lucy went to visit two nurseries that were close to home. Mum helped explain to the nursery managers how Lucy communicates and one of them invited her for an interview for a few hours’ work a week. Lucy was very excited when they called the house to tell her that she had been successful. Principle 4—Capacity is decision specific The nursery was too far to walk to from their house, so at first Mum drove Lucy to and from work. However, Lucy soon decided she wanted to be more independent and she told Mum that she wanted to catch the tram to work. Dad reminded Lucy of the This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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problems she had had on trams when she was younger. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea. Lucy had once taken the wrong tram and he had had to pick her up from the end of the line. Lucy and Rachel said that dad was worrying too much. Lucy said she was older now and with her new mobile phone she would be fine, even if something did happen. Principle 5—People have the right to learn from experience Lucy started travelling by tram on her work days. She and Rachel had worked out the best route on the map and Lucy felt confident that she knew which tram to catch and where she needed to change trams. She was a bit nervous at first, but after a few days it started to become second nature to her. She particularly enjoyed being able to drop in at the shops on her own on her way home from work for late night shopping. Eventually Dad stopped worrying. Principle 6—People have the right to change their minds A few months went by and Lucy was really enjoying working at the nursery and felt like part of the team. However, when winter came and it started getting dark earlier in the evenings, Lucy decided that she didn’t like waiting at cold and wet tram stops. She told Mum that she wanted to get a lift to and from work in her warm car. Mum rolled her eyes and Dad said ‘I told you so’ but Mum agreed to pick up Lucy when she could. Principle 7—People have the right to make decisions that other people might not agree with After nearly a year, it was almost time for Lucy to start the course. Lucy was looking forward to studying but she loved working at the nursery too. She had realised how much she loved outdoor life and working with plants. She made a decision to transfer from the foundation course and study horticulture instead. Unfortunately it was too late to enrol in horticulture for the coming semester, meaning she would have to wait until the next enrolment before starting her studies. Mum wasn’t happy and wanted Lucy to go to the course anyway, and maybe transfer to horticulture later on. However This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Lucy was insistent that she only wanted to study horticulture. Dad suggested that by working at the nursery for another year she would be even better prepared for her studies and still be able to keep earning money at a job she really enjoyed. Mum was worried, but agreed that it was Lucy's choice to make. Lucy is now saving her money to go on a holiday with Rachel, and has already asked her boss if she can change her shifts next year so she can keep working at the nursery, just to keep her thumb green while she studies. Case study 2 - Ash’s decisions Ash is 25 years old. He lives in a group home with three men who are all older than him. He has a brother who lives in Canada but no other family. Ash loves music and lives for Friday nights at his local pub where bands play each week. He goes to the pub with Rod, one of his support workers. A few people in the pub have come to know Ash and they say hello, but mostly he and Rod keep to themselves, watching the bands. A new group of people Ash and Rod started coming along to the pub to hear the bands and soon became Friday night regulars. Rod noticed that one of the women in the group caught Ash’s eye. One night Rod started talking to people in the group and after overcoming his initial shyness, Ash also joined in. Ash found out the woman he liked was called Claire, and that they enjoyed the same kind of music. Ash had not had many opportunities to interact with women in social situations, but by the end of the night Ash felt very comfortable with Claire who obviously enjoyed talking with him.

Principle 1—Everyone has the right to make decisions about things that affect them After a few Fridays in the pub it was clear Ash and Claire were growing fond of each other. Claire suggested that they meet up outside the pub and with Rod’s help they arranged to go to the cinema and afterwards to a cafe. They both enjoyed the time together. When Ash got home he was really happy. He told Rod that he’d been thinking about Claire a lot and he wanted to invite her over to the house so they could spend some time together alone.

Principle 2—Capacity to make decisions must be assumed Rod told his co-workers about Ash’s decision but everyone thought it was a bad idea. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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One said that he didn’t think Ash understood what he was asking for or how to act on his own, especially with someone he might have feelings for. Another worker said that they should stay in the living area with everyone else. Principle 7—People have the right to make decisions that other people might not agree with Ash had heard the staff talking this way and became very quiet and would not participate with the rest of the household. When Rod arrived for his shift he saw how unhappy Ash was. Rod pointed this out to the other staff and reminded them that this was Ash’s home and he had a right to decide if he wanted to invite a guest over. The others weren’t happy, but they agreed that if Rod was going to be around then he could deal with the situation. Rod set up his mobile phone so Ash could call Claire in private and invite her over for dinner. Claire said that she would love to see where Ash lives and spend time together. Ash was really happy and he and Rod spoke to his flatmates to let them know about Claire’s visit. Ash started telling Rod about what food he wanted Rod to help him cook for everyone. Principle 3—Every effort should be made to support people make their decisions In the end the meal went very well. Claire came over and met all Ash’s flatmates and the staff on shift. They all ate together and everyone said how much they liked the food that Ash had prepared. There was lots of chatter and everyone said they’d like Claire to visit again sometime. After the meal Rod said he’d do the washing up if Claire and Ash wanted to go and hang out together in his room. Principle 6—People have the right to change their minds About half an hour later Claire came out of Ash’s room and told Rod that she thought she should go. She said goodbye to everyone and left. Rod went to see Ash to ask what happened. Ash was very sad and quiet and told Rod that he didn’t know what to talk about with Claire when they were on their own. He said that it wasn’t the same as with

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everyone around the table. Ash said he had been a bit embarrassed and had asked Claire to leave. Principle 5—People have the right to learn from experience Rod told Ash not to worry too much. He told Ash that sometimes it can be difficult to find things to talk about in a one-to-one situation. He said Ash could have talked about some of the music that they both liked and shown Claire some of his music collection. Ash said he wished he had thought of that but he was shy and nervous. He said he wished he could try again. Rod said that Ash could use his mobile phone again to call Claire and try and explain. Principle 4—Capacity is decision specific When the other staff heard what had happened they said they had told Rod this would happen. Rod reminded them that it was Ash’s decision to invite Claire over and that he wanted to do it again. They said Rod was wrong to encourage Ash as he would just get hurt again. Ash came out of his room to give Rod his phone back and heard everyone talking. He told everyone he had said sorry to Claire and that they would to talk about coming over again when they saw each other in the pub next Friday. Ash told everyone that he felt better about talking to Claire and that Rod had helped him to think how he could do things better next time. A couple of weeks later Claire did come over again and this time everything went very well. They ordered pizza which they ate in Ash’s room while listening to music and talked all evening. As Claire was leaving they went to see Rod and told him they might need help with their next decision – a weekend away at a music festival!

2.2.5 Practice with your family member with disability through games

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Fig. 2.24 Let’s play a game

Little Shop Shopping can be a series of lessons in decision-making. Instead of presenting person with disability with all the options and choices at a store, make “a little shop” at home to introduce your child to decision-making. Arrange five or six small trinkets on the table and place a price tag on each item (some items could cost a quarter and other items could cost two quarters). Give the person two quarters and allow her to “shop” with her money. She may opt to purchase two less expensive items or one more expensive item. Ask him/her why?

Make a Menu Give the person with disability an opportunity to plan a simple meal. The person might decide to plan a meal of favourite foods or s/he could also opt to choose new foods. If s/he wants to make a fruit salad, help him/her choose various fruits to add to the salad. If the person wants a dessert, talk about various options and choose something extra appealing. Once the person with disability finalizes the menu, shop for it (if necessary) and prepare the meal with his/her help. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Chocolate game The chocolate is always greener on the other side – each family member is offered two brown bags with chocolate chips (or two envelopes with pennies). One bag has twice as many chocolate chips as the other (of course s/he does not know which one has what). To one of the people (could be the person with disability) is offered to choose one envelope. After making the choice, s/he is offered an opportunity to exchange. Does s/he take it? Why? This could be the beginning of a terrific discussion on choices, winning and losing, and being satisfied with one’s lot (that’s what truly makes a person wealthy).

Ultimatum In this game, one player makes an offer, which the second player may either accept (with each player getting what is proposed) or reject, in which case neither one gets anything. Last week, as we waited for a doctor’s appointment, I asked my child to imagine she was given 20 chocolate chips to split with her sister on these terms. She immediately responded that she would offer 10 chocolate chips, since that was the fair thing to do. Then, I asked her what she would do if her sister only offered her one chip out of the 20. After getting over the issue of reciprocity, she accepted, rationalizing that 1 chocolate chip was better than none. Notice that the game would be played differently depending on the number of rounds.

2.2.6. Self-problem resolution (reflection activity) Use the following situations to discuss with the person with disability: 1. “It is your room-mate’s birthday and you would like to buy him/her a present but you have not money: what would you do?” This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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2. “When you go to get bus to go working, somebody tells you that there is a strike and there is not bus service: what would you do?” 3. “You have a date with a friend in the sports centre, but you don’t know how to go: what would you do?”

2.2.7. Which do you think are the best choices (test) – see separate file

2.3 Learn to deal with self-emotion

Fig. 2.25 Self-emotion

2.3.1 Emotional self-regulation Once there lived an old man who kept all different kinds of animals. But his grandson was particularly intrigued by two tigers that lived together in one cage. The tigers had different temperaments; one was calm and self-controlled whilst the other was unpredictable, aggressive, violent, and vicious. "Do they ever fight, Grandfather?" asked the young boy. "Occasionally, yes they do," admitted the old man. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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"And which one wins?" "Well, that depends on which one I feed the most." Being able to control your emotions depends in part on how much you 'feed' a particular emotion; on how much we focus on what we are afraid of, enraged by, or depressed about. But it's more than that. Good 'emotional intelligence' requires we understand our own moods, recognizing when and why we are upset and having very real strategies in place to be able to influence the way that we feel.

Emotional self-regulation or regulation of emotion is the ability to respond to the on-going demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable and sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions as well as the ability to delay spontaneous reactions as needed. It can also be defined as extrinsic and intrinsic processes responsible for monitoring, evaluating, and modifying emotional reactions. Emotion self-regulation belongs to the broader set of emotion-regulation processes, which includes the regulation of one's own feelings and the regulation of other people's feelings.

So if you ever find yourself tossed around helplessly on a hysterical tumultuous sea of emotion and want some ways to at least adjust your sails, the better to steer your own course toward calmer waters, then read on the following tips included in the practical part.

Practical part 2.3.2. Tips to control your own emotions 1) Control your emotions by looking ahead Very intense emotions blind us to the future and con us that now is all that matters. In fact, when we are incredibly angry or anxious, we can even momentarily forget that there is even going to be a future. We heard about a story: once a man who worked in a big firm stuffed an

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ice cream cone in his boss's face when he was enraged. This momentary action had huge and prolonged consequences on this man's life; particularly finances. We've all said or done things we later regret simply because, for a time, we let ourselves be dictated by our own emotion. If you get angry, think to yourself: "How will I feel tomorrow if I lose my dignity and tell this person (I have to see every day) that they have a face like a cow pat?" If you are anxious about some imminent event, say to yourself: "Wow, how am I going to feel tomorrow/next week when I look back at this?" Look beyond the immediate and you'll see the bigger picture and calm down, too.

2) Get to know yourself Learn to observe your own attitudes and emotional ebbs and flows. One key first step to emotional control is to know when we are actually being emotional and also why. If you catch yourself feeling unexpectedly strongly about something, ask yourself why. Controlling your emotions isn't about pretending they are not there. If you feel jealous, angry, sad, bitter, or greedy, label exactly how you are feeling in your own mind: "Okay, I don't like that I'm feeling this way, but I'm feeling very envious!" Now you've admitted it to yourself. The next step is to identify why you feel the way you do: "I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling envious of Bob because he's just been complimented for his work and I haven't!" Being able to exercise this self-honesty means you don't have to resort to what a large proportion of the human race do. You won't have to 'rationalize'. We rationalize by kidding ourselves that we are angry with someone not because they have got a raise at work and we haven't, but because of 'their attitude towards us' or some other made up reason. Knowing what emotion you are feeling and being man or woman enough to identify the truth as to why you are feeling it means you're that much closer to doing something about it. 3) Change your mood; do something different We tend to assume that moods just 'happen to us' and, like storms, the best we can do is wait until they pass. But, unlike climatic storms, we can influence - even change - our moods without resorting to unhealthy means such as alcohol or drugs. Being able to manage and influence your own emotions is a powerful marker for good health, emotional maturity, and happiness. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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One way to alter your mood is to instantly do something else. For example, if you feel flat and bored, continuing to watch uninteresting TV will deepen the mood. Switching it off and going for a walk in a new neighbourhood will inevitably change your mood. If you feel cross, consciously focus on three things in your life for which you can feel grateful. If you are anxious, start to imagine that what you are anxious about has already happened and gone much better than expected. The important thing is just to do or think something different. Don't be passively carried along by the current of the mood. The quickest way to do this may be to simply imagine not feeling the way you are feeling. So if I'm feeling hacked off, I might close my eyes and take a few moments to strongly imagine feeling relaxed and comfortable and even in a good mood. This will, at the very least, neutralize the bad mood and may even put you in a good mood. Next time you're in a bad mood, listen to this free audio session below and see to what extent you can change the mood. 4) Observe how others deal effectively with their emotions We can learn so much from other people (as long as we look to the right people to learn from!). How do other 'emotionally skilled' people deal with their frustrations and difficulties? You could even ask them: "How do you keep so cool when you're presenting to all these people? Why doesn't that make you angry? How do you keep smiling after such setbacks?" Their answers could actually change your life if you start to apply what you learn. 5) Change your physiology Some people assume that emotions are 'all in your head', whereas actually all emotions are physical responses. Anger pushes heart rate and blood pressure up, which is why having an angry temperament, is a predictor of heart disease; anxiety produces lots of physical changes; and even depression suppresses the immune system. So part of changing your emotional state involves dealing directly with the physical changes. Physical changes are led by the way we breathe. For instance, anger and anxiety can only 'work' if we are breathing quicker with shallow breaths. Take time to: Stop breathing for five seconds (to 'reset' your breath). Now breathe in slowly, focussing on your diaphragm, until your lungs are full of air. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Then breathe out even more slowly (and whilst doing this, imagine that you are breathing pure rest and relaxation into your hands). Keep doing this and remember it's the out-breath that will calm everything down. 6) Use your noggin Think of emotion as a strong but stupid being that sometimes needs your guidance and direction. We need some emotion to motivate us, but it needs to be the right emotion at the right time applied in the right way. The more emotional we become, the stupider we become. This is because emotions want us to react blindly and physically rather than to think or be objective and rational. Being objective and rational when a lion was attacking wouldn't have been great from an evolutionary point of view - because it would have slowed us down. But much of modern life needs measured calm thought rather than blind and sloppy emotional responses. If you force the thinking part of your brain to work when you start to feel emotional, then you can dilute and subdue the rampaging emotional part. You can do this by simply forcing yourself to remember three names of other students you went to school with or even running through the alphabet in your head. Try it - because it really will work. 7) Create spare capacity in your life We experience counterproductive emotions for different reasons. Maybe we have never learnt to control ourselves or perhaps we are living in such a way that makes it more likely we'll experience emotional problems. Every organism, from amoeba to antelope and from bluebell flower to blue whale, has needs. And so do you. If these needs aren't met, then the organism will suffer. You have very basic needs for food, sleep, shelter, and water; if these needs aren't met properly, you will feel more emotional - no doubt. But you also have emotional needs. To be emotionally healthy, a person needs to: x

Feel safe and secure; feel they have safe territory.

Regularly give and receive quality attention.

Feel a sense of influence and control over their life.

Feel part of a wider community.

Enjoy friendship, fun, love, and intimacy with significant people.

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Feel a sense of status; basically, feel they have a recognizable role in life. This also connects to a sense of competence and achievement.

Feel stretched but not stressed to avoid stagnation, boredom, and to enhance selfesteem and a sense of status in life.

When these are met adequately, we then feel our life has meaning and purpose. Not meeting basic needs leaves us feeling that life is pointless and meaningless and will leave us wide open to emotional problems. When you live in a way that, to some extent, meets all or most of the above needs, then you'll enjoy greater emotional stability and control. Knowing what you need in life is the first step to creating 'spare capacity' to focus beyond your emotions. And you can see how not meeting the need for feeling secure or getting enough attention or feeling connected to people around you could cause you emotional problems. Really think about these needs and gradually pursue activities that are likely to help you fulfil them. In this way, you'll begin to feed the right tiger with the right amount of the right foods.

Practical part 2.3.3 How to support your family member with disability to control his/her emotions (discussion activity) Initiate a discussion with your family member with disability starting with the following: Parent/relative: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Controlling your emotions doesn't mean ignoring them. It means you recognize them and act on them when appropriate, not randomly and uncontrollably whenever you feel like it. Take control of your life by taking control of your emotions.â&#x20AC;?

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Fig. 2.26 Control your emotions Parent/relative: “I advise you to know your emotions. There are a million different ways you can feel. Jealousy, for example, is a manifestation of fear - fear that you're not "as good" as something else, fear of being abandoned because you're not "perfect" or "the best."

Think about what kinds of situations cause which emotions, and be able to tell to your family member with disability the difference between anger and fear; sometimes multiple emotions can bubble up at the same time, and the person with disability going through the emotions might not be able to distinguish the two.

Parent/relative: “Recognize that emotions don't just appear mysteriously out of nowhere. Many times, we're at the mercy of our emotions on a subconscious level. By recognizing your emotions on a conscious level, you're better able to control them. “ Parent/relative: “Ask yourself throughout the day: "How am I feeling right now?" Take “ownership” of your emotions. Don't blame them on other people. Recognize when you try to

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blame other people for your emotions, and don't let your mind get away with that trick. Taking full responsibilities for your emotions will help you better control them.” Parent/relative: “Ask yourself, "What is another way to look at the situation that is more rational and more balanced than the way I was looking at it before?" Explore all the different possibilities. If nothing else, thinking about other possible interpretations will alert you to many different scenarios, and the difficulty of jumping to conclusions. “ Parent/relative: “Consider your options. Now that you know what emotion you're dealing with, think of at least two different ways you can respond. Your emotions control you when you assume there's only one way to react, but you always have a choice. For example, if someone frustrating you and you experience anger, your immediate response might be to frustrate them back. But no matter what the emotion, there are always at least two alternatives, and you can probably think of more: x

Don't react. Do nothing. This approach is especially good when you know that someone is trying to egg you on or purposely frustrate you. Don't give in; when you fail to show an emotional reaction, the person egging you on will become frustrated and eventually stop.

Relax. Easy to say, hard to do, but there are some ways to relax that do not require lots of training, experience or will power. When we are angry or upset we clench our jaws and tense up. Taking a deep breath is an easy and effective way to tamp down the emotional upset. It won’t dispel the anger but it can dial it down a notch or two, just enough to keep us from saying, or doing, something we’d regret later.

Do the opposite of what you would normally do.

Parent/relative: “Make a choice. When deciding what to do, it's important to make sure it's a conscious choice, not a reaction to another, competing emotion. For example, if someone frustrates you and you do nothing, is it your decision, or is it a response to your fear of confrontation?” Parent/relative: "Have you ever said to you: I must be perfect in all respects in order to be worthwhile? Remember nobody can be perfect in everything that we have to do in life. But if you believe that you're a failure unless you are perfect in every way, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.” This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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N.B.: You as a parent may adjust your style of talking when you communicate with your family member with disability but the most important thing is to manage to convey the message of the presented in above exercise.

2.3.4 Useful tips both for parents/relatives and person with disability x

Think about how you will see your reaction in 5 yearsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; time. Will you be proud of yourself for walking away with your dignity intact or will you look back and remember falling apart? Choose now.

When

you

see

your

mood

changing, leave from whatever is causing it and take several deep breaths, pray, think about what was done or said to upset and figure out another way of dealing with it instead of getting upset! Also ask yourself is it worth? x

Fig. 2. 27 Smiling bulb

No matter what you choose to do, it's important to continue acknowledging the emotion. Just because you're not reacting to an emotion doesn't mean that emotion doesn't exist.

Don't assume everything is about you if something goes wrong with someone else unexpectedly. Some people may just be having a bad day. Or you may have caught them at the wrong time.

Some experiences like watching a film, hearing a sound or tasting a food (sensory input) can trigger or bring about good emotions. The more good ones you can recognize, pay attention to and be aware of, the easier it is to put yourself in that kind

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of a recognizable mood. It's far easier to get out of an angry or sad state of mind when you can know what happy or joyful state of mind is like. x

Sometimes it's helpful to keep a binder with lined paper. Then at the end of the day when you're in bed you can write down all your thoughts and emotions.

Don't let the fear from the past keep you distracted from your future.

Learn to recognize and anticipate "triggers" that set you off.

Make your first goal to keep a cool head - in public. Be secure in the fact that you can always safely address and calm your emotions however you want to in private.

Try making a list of a bunch of feelings you want to be aware of either feeling or avoiding. Each day leave a check or mark by them as you accomplish or fail to accomplish your goal.

Just remember that in your future you have to control your emotions or people think you easier to pick than anyone else.

Theoretical part 2.3.4 Helping Kids Learn Self-Control

Fig. 2.28 A parent with his daughter You should be aware that each child goes through the different stages of development no matter if s/he has disability or not. The disability itself may affect the level of integration of your child with disability in different activities related to his/her communication with others, socialisation and personal well-being. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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When kids melt down in the middle of a crowded store, at a holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, it can be extremely frustrating. But parents can help kids learn self-control and teach them how to respond to situations without just acting on impulse. Teaching self-control skills is one of the most important things that parents can do for their kids because these are some of the most important skills for success later in life. By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes. For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently. Here are a few suggestions on how to help kids learn to control their behaviour (Stamatov, Sariyska, 2014): Up to Age 2 Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often respond with temper tantrums. Try to prevent outbursts by distracting your little one with toys or other activities. For kids reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief timeout in a designated area â&#x20AC;&#x201D; like a kitchen chair or bottom stair â&#x20AC;&#x201D; to show the consequences for outbursts and teach that it's better to take some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum. Ages 3 to 5 You can continue to use timeouts, but rather than enforcing a specific time limit, end timeouts once your child has calmed down. This helps kids improve their sense of self-control. And praise your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult situations. Ages 6 to 9 As kids enter school, they're better able to understand the idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behaviour. It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed and think about a situation before responding. Encourage your child to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool off instead of having an outburst. Ages 10 to 12 This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Older kids usually better understand their feelings. Encourage them to think about what's causing them to lose control and then analyse it. Explain that sometimes the situations that are upsetting at first don't end up being so awful. Urge kids to take time to think before responding to a situation. Ages 13 to 17 By now kids should be able to control most of their actions. But remind teens to think about long-term consequences. Urge them to pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding and talk through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or yelling. If necessary, support your teen by taking away certain privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an important skill.

When Kids Are Out of Control

As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're bringing-up your kids. Instead, be firm and matter of fact. During a child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable behaviours that have consequences â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and say what those consequences are.

Your actions will show that tantrums won't get kids the upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy candy, don't give in â&#x20AC;&#x201D; thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.

Also, consider speaking to your child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavioural expectations. Ask if problem solving is taught or demonstrated in school.

And model good self-control yourself. If you're in an irritating situation and your kids are present, tell them why you're frustrated and then discuss the potential solutions to the problem. For example, if you've misplaced your keys, instead of getting upset, tell your kids the keys are missing and then search for them together. If they don't turn up, take the next

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constructive step (like retracing your steps when you last had the keys in-hand). Show that good emotional control and problem solving are the ways to deal with a difficult situation.

2.4 Assertive behaviour Theoretical part 2.4.1 What is assertive behaviour? Assertive behaviour means standing up for your rights and expressing your truths in a way that neither shrinks from what you want to communicate nor assumes that they are the only valid truths. Assertiveness also includes recognizing and respecting the equality, rights and truths of other people. Example John, I don't like the way you said that. I want to stay at home tonight. I think Jane is not comfortable with the way you look at her. This behaviour shows open expression of feelings, thoughts and needs; self-assertion without ignoring the rights, feelings and needs of others. This behaviour shows openness to what the other person is feeling as well as to the possible changes, negotiations, and surrender without harming one's own rights and dignity.

1) Assertive behaviour is often confused with aggressive behaviour; however, assertion does not involve hurting the other person physically or emotionally. 2) Assertive behaviour aims at equalizing the balance of power, not in â&#x20AC;&#x153;winning the battleâ&#x20AC;? by putting down the other person or rendering her/him helpless.

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3) Assertive behaviour involves expressing your legitimate rights as an individual. You have a right to express your own wants, needs, feelings, and ideas. 4) Remember: other individuals have a right to respond to your assertiveness with their own wants, needs, feelings, and ideas. 5) An assertive encounter with another individual may involve negotiating an agreeable compromise. 6) By behaving assertively, you open the way for honest relationships with others. 7) Assertive behaviour not only is concerned with what you say but how you say it. 8) Assertive words accompanied by appropriate assertive “body language” makes your message more clear and impactful. 9) Assertive body language including the following: a. Maintaining direct eye contact b. Maintaining an erect posture c. Speaking clearly and audibly d. Making sure you do not have a whiny quality to your voice e. Using facial expression and gestures to add emphasis to your words 10) Assertive behaviour is a skill that can be learned and maintained by frequent practice.

Assertion is the direct communication of one’s needs, wants and opinions without punishing, threatening or putting down the other person. It is also standing up for one’s legitimate rights without violating the rights of others and without being unduly fearful in the process. Asserting yourself is expressing your feelings and opinions appropriately. Being assertive is not something you are born with; it is a skill that you learn. When people learn to assert themselves they report increased feelings of self-confidence, positive reactions from others, reduced anxiety in social situations, improved communication with people and less headaches, stomach problems. People who have trouble expressing themselves report feelings of low self-esteem, depression and undue anxiety in interpersonal/social situations, they feel unappreciated, taken for granted or used by others. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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People often fail to assert themselves because they have been punished either physically or verbally for expressing themselves in that situation- for we have been punished by parents, teachers and other people for expressing ourselves. Question: Were you punished as a child for expressing your opinion, especially opinions which disagree with others? If you were, then you may now feel uncomfortable or uptight in situations which call for you to express yourself. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t express our opinions now, or we behave non-assertively.

Practical part 2.4.2 Exercise for awareness of assertiveness x

To understand the effects of assertiveness.

To understand the differences between assertive and non-assertive response in different situations.

The assertive response combines defending of one's own position and rights without affecting the positions and rights of others.

WORKSHEET - ASSERTIVE AND NON-ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR Passive behaviour Passive behaviour is a form of indirect expression of one's own thoughts, feelings and needs. Passivity implies a position of subordination, of ignoring one's own needs and not refusing to others' requests. Passive behaviour is recognised by a disconnected or unclear speech , the eyes look down because the statements are not opened, the speech is full of phrases "you know", "I am not sure", "I should not say this, but .... " it is relied on the other to guess what I want; the voice is trembling, the fluctuations are common. Aggressive behaviour

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This behaviour is a form of open expression of one's own thoughts, feelings and demands, but at the expense of the rights and feelings of others. When we do not get what we want we precede to attack, exert pressure, blame, and create guilt. Aggressive behaviour is recognised by the expression itself, which in the most cases starts with the pronoun "you" followed by various epithets, accompanied by generalisations such as 'never', 'always' that implies that we are better and right. This behaviour implies a sense of superiority and power. Sometimes, this behaviour is found as cold, dismissive, and ironic or acquires a form of "cold silence". The main desire is to prove one's own immutable rightness.

2.4.3 Exercise for awareness of the consequences of passive and aggressive behaviour x

To understand the consequences of passive and aggressive response.

To increase the sensitivity to passive and aggressive response.

The awareness and the experience of non-assertive behaviours are a prerequisite for their limitation, which helps to strengthen the assertive behaviour.

WORKSHEET - PASSIVE RESPONSE STYLE Description Imagine that you are very dependent. Standing bent and not lifting your eyes you speak quietly, "Whatever you say, I agree. I will do what you say. I will follow all your instructions. I cannot manage on my own, so I would be grateful if you guide me. I am sorry if I caused you inconvenience and I cost you time. I do not want to express opinions or to take initiatives because they are not worth much." Keep talking like this for three minutes. WORKSHEET - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR Description This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Now imagine that you are in the role of aggressive boss who speaks to a subordinate. Start speaking in a loud, accusing voice, waving a finger: "You can never do things as you have to do. You always do stupid things. You are late. Everything you do is done half-heartedly; you do not put your heart into your work. What are you doing exactly? I am the only one that still tolerates you. You cannot do anything right ever."

At the end think how exhausted you can be from this role, what you felt (whether felt anxious, tense, sad, vulnerable, dependent, devious, insignificant, frustrated, funny, full of resentment). The emphasis is put on the fact that we do not have to take responsibility for the feelings and needs that we have; that we defer it to others; that we are trying to avoid collisions.

2.4.4. Exercise for building an assertive response style The assertive style of response requires clear and firm expression of one's own feelings, thoughts and needs without affecting others. Use the following worksheet together with your family member with disability to help him/her to build up assertive behaviour.

WORKSHEET - ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

It consists of the following components: x

The understanding of the situation by the person with disability;

The feelings related to the situation of the person with disability;

The desires and needs involved.

The statement that reflects assertiveness does not contain evaluations - the situation should be presented objectively (the facts are pointed out - what happened and what was done). The feelings expressed, whether positive or negative, are presented as feelings of the person with disability for which s/he takes the responsibility (remember this ability) and the request is specific. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Examples: Parent: "When you think about the upcoming presentation (i.e. telling a poem, playing on instrument, presenting your work etc.) you feel very embarrassed since you promised to present it at the forthcoming event. That makes you feel uncomfortable. Think about something that makes you happy and calm. For example: exciting vacation on the sea or last time that someone admired you.â&#x20AC;?

Another option is to remember situation like: Parent: "It has been a wonderful night. I found that we have so much in common. It was very nice to spend the evening with you. I would like to get to know you better and go out again this weekend."

Another exercise for both parent and family member with disability could be the following:

WORKSHEET â&#x20AC;&#x201C; HOW TO CREATE ASSERTIVE MESSAGE x

define exactly what you want or do not want, consider the feelings and thoughts on the situation and your rights;

present your desire in a concrete and understandable way (if possible in one sentence). Do not apologize and do not explain (avoid phrases such as "I cannot ..." and replace them with "I do not want ..."). Remove all options that others would use to support their request;

repeat your speech openly, calmly and firmly until the other gets the message and understands that you will not change your mind;

use active listening to show that you understand the other's feelings, but without relinquishing your position.

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If you think that the conversation has shifted from the subject you want to talk about, then direct it to what is happening between you (reveal the thoughts and feelings that you have right now).

Theoretical part 2.4.5. Understanding and responding to your family member with disabilityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s difficult behaviour As person grow and develop they typically have some behaviour that their parents or carers find difficult. There are many reasons why person engages in difficult behaviour, and many ways parents and carers can help. The first step is to try to understand the reason why the behaviour may be occurring. Why does difficult behaviour occur? Developmental Generally, very young children are impulsive and have not yet learnt how to control their behaviour. They don't stop to think about what is right or what is wrong. Children may use actions to get what they want because of their limited language skills. At this developmental stage it is also typical for children to understand the world from one perspectiveâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;theirs. This makes it difficult for them to appreciate another person's perspective and to share. It increases the likelihood of children using behaviours like hitting; grabbing, kicking or biting to get what they need or want and to defend what they believe is theirs. People with intellectual disability often take longer to gain the skills needed to manage their impulsivity and to develop an understanding of another person's perspective. Also, they may need additional help to identify and understand these strong emotions, to communicate their needs and to work out how to solve problems. Generally, as the child matures and develops skills, families see a reduction in difficult behaviours. This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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Communication At times some people with disabilities use difficult behaviour because they may not know how to communicate to others what they want and may not understand what is expected of them. This is often the case for people with intellectual disability. Almost any verbal message can be communicated through the use of difficult behaviour, including: ͻ dŽ ƚĞůů ŽƚŚĞƌƐ ƚŚĂƚ ƚŚĞǇ ǁĂŶƚ ƐŽŵething such as food or a preferred activity ͻ dŽ ŵĞĞƚ Ă ƐĞŶƐŽƌǇ ŶĞĞĚ͕ ďĞĐĂƵƐĞ ƚŚĞ ďĞŚĂǀŝŽƵƌ ŵĂǇ ĨĞĞů ŐŽŽĚ Žƌ ŐĞŶĞƌĂƚĞ ŝŶƚĞƌĞƐƚŝŶŐ sensory sensations ͻ dŽ ŝŶŝƚŝĂƚĞ ƐŽĐŝĂů ĐŽŶƚĂĐƚ Žƌ ƚŽ ŐĂŝŶ ĂƚƚĞŶƚŝŽŶ͘ x To escape or avoid things that they find unpleasant, difficult or frightening ͻ dŽ ĞǆƉƌĞƐƐ ĨĞĞůŝŶŐƐ ƚŚĞǇ ŚĂǀĞ ŶŽƚ ǇĞƚ ůĞĂƌŶƚ ƚŽ ĞǆƉƌĞƐƐ ŝŶ ĂŶŽƚŚĞƌ ǁĂǇ͕ ĨŽƌ ĞǆĂŵƉůĞ frustration or anger. Communication difficulties can also lead to the child struggling to follow instructions. Instructions that have too many steps, or not readily understood by the person with disability may cause the child to become frustrated and use difficult behaviour. There are many ways for developing communication skills and they can be encouraged and supported including: language stimulation, visual tools, communication boards, objects and gestures. Unintentional rewards People with disabilities learn a great deal from their environment. They quickly discover their behaviour can have an effect on the actions of others. Sometimes there are unintentional rewards or hidden pay offs for their behaviour. If behaviour is followed by a desirable outcome, the person may repeat the behaviour. In this way the person learns to communicate through their behaviour. Unintentional rewards can include attention, material rewards, activities, or food treats. When a person is behaving appropriately this are a great opportunity and the right time to reward them. Remembering to reward your family member with disability when they behave well will help them learn what is expected and repeat the behaviour. Environment This project has been funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.

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All people benefit from environments that have routines and structure. This is especially so for people with intellectual disability. A lack of routine and structure can lead to confusion and anxiety, and often results in difficult behaviour. Inconsistent boundaries will confuse the person because they will not be clear about what is expected from them and feel insecure in themselves and in their environment. At times, a person with disability may be bored and not know how to start a new activity. Instead they may do things that are not appropriate like picking at their clothing. Some people with intellectual disability find noisy or crowded environments overwhelming, causing them to become anxious. They may use their behaviour to either avoid going to these places or to be taken away from them. Poor sleep patterns can also result in them using difficult behaviour because tiredness affects their tolerance levels and ability to cope emotionally. Health While many childhood illnesses have obvious indicators, there are some situations which may be undiagnosed. Some people with intellectual disability have difficulties identifying and communicating about changes in their body such as pain or physical discomfort. In such instances, the only indicator of pain or illness may be a change in their behaviour. Therefore, if there has been recent change in behaviour it would be prudent to seek medical advice. Sometimes people with disabilities need to take medications for example cold and flu tablets, cough syrup, seizure medications. These medications can also affect how they do they feel. Discuss possible side effects of the medication and any changes in behaviour with the doctor. Family wellbeing People with disabilities will often pick up on tension in their environment and a parent's or carerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wellbeing greatly affects their behaviour. When relationships are strained and there is tension and conflict in the home, person with disability can feel unsafe and as a result become more aggressive, anxious or depressed. Also, when a parent or carer is stressed it can be a struggle to manage their own emotions. This can lead to irritability, impatience and inconsistent responses to the family member with disabilityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behaviour. In these situations it is recommended that the parent or carer seek support or professional assistance. Other influences

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People with disabilities are influenced by their relationships with peers and by what others do. When they see others being aggressive and disruptive they may copy or imitate these behaviours. Other influences on their behaviour include watching movies, television programs, reading newspapers and comics or playing computer games. Challenging behaviour Challenging behaviour is a term that is often used to describe some of the behaviours that place the person with disability or others at risk of injury, distress or being excluded from activities. These behaviours occur with such intensity and duration that they affect the person’s ability to learn and participate in everyday events. They generally present a greater challenge to families and service providers than typical difficult behaviours. Challenging behaviour can include: ͻ ŐŐƌĞssive language; ͻ ,ƵƌƚŝŶŐ ƚŚĞŵƐĞůǀĞƐ Žƌ ŽƚŚĞƌƐ ĨŽƌ ĞǆĂŵƉůĞ ŚŝƚƚŝŶŐ͕ ďŝƚŝŶŐ͕ ƉƵůůŝŶŐ ŚĂŝƌ͖ ͻ ĂŵĂŐŝŶŐ Žƌ ďƌĞĂŬŝŶŐ ƚŚŝŶŐƐ͖ ͻ ^ƚĞĂůŝŶŐ͘

Practical part 2.4.6. What you can do (reflection activity) It is important to remember that both difficult behaviour and challenging behaviour have a function and a purpose. There are several things that may help if a child is using difficult or challenging behaviour, including: ͻ ŚĞĐŬ ƚŚĞ person with disability’s health; ͻ ŚĞĐŬ ŝĨ ƚŚĞƌĞ ŝƐ ƐŽŵĞƚŚŝŶŐ ƚŚĂƚ ĐĂŶ ďĞ ĐŚĂŶŐĞĚ ŝn the environment for example is the area overly noisy or crowded, is the person too cold or too warm, does the person need a change in activity?

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ͻ 'ŝǀĞ ƉůĞŶƚǇ ŽĨ ƉŽƐŝƚŝǀĞ ƐŽĐŝĂů ŝŶƚĞƌĂĐƚŝŽŶ ǁŚĞŶ ƚŚĞ person with disability is behaving appropriately; ͻ ^ŝŵƉlify your language to help the family member with disability understand. x Provide clear structure and routines ͻtŚĞƌĞ ĂƉƉƌŽƉƌŝĂƚĞ ĂŶĚ ƉŽƐƐŝďůĞ͕ offers the person with disability choices such as, "Would you like to wear the blue jumper or the red jumper?" ͻWrovide consistent boundaries and responses. Sometimes challenging behaviour can become so frequent and intense that other aspects of a personality are overlooked. While it may be difficult, it is important to find the positive things the family member with disability does.

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