Would you Choose Yourself as Υour Parent - George Lagios
Ιntroduction Upon writing the first words, a rather upsetting image gripped my mind. How would my mother react when she hears, as she cooks and prays for the phonering that, instead of me announcing my marriage, I tell her that I’m writing this book? Would I ruin the daily daydreaming of her coming to the maternity ward, with tears swelling in her eyes, for the birth of her grandson? I’m seriously considering not revealing anything to her, because most likely, she will denounce me.
This book aims to ‘voice’out loud something that many of us contem- plate, but reconsider expressing ourloud as it delves into out immo- rality or the darkness of our thoughts. If we’re indeed thinking about it though, why do we need to repress it into our unconsciousness, like we inevitably do with so many other aspects of our life? Every time a child is born, it is inevitable that the lives of many other individuals will be affected. Having children without understand- ing this is unrealistic. Interestingly enough, though this persistence for unrealism is embedded in our society for institutions ask from its citizens to provide certification when it comes to a socially pro- fessional context—obtaining a driver’s license, being a surgeon, a psychiatrist, a lawyer, to name but a few, all need to possess degrees in order to interact with others, but parents do not. It is prudent for a society to want to protect itself from those who do not meet the necessary criteria, but there is no guarantee that someone won’t drive under the influence, or that the surgeon won’t be careless, or that the lawyer won’t be unethical, or even that the
psychiatrist won’t be unstable, and so on. But the question raised here is how do we protect ourselves from a drug-addicted parent who physically abuses their child? And even more importantly, how can a child protect itself from abuse? It is food for thought as to why we pride ourselves on having so many tertiary entrance exams, but none for raising a child. On a final, introductory note, my intentions are neither to deval- ue the role parents play, nor to diminish the importance of family in a society. Do not get me wrong if at any point I come across as imposing my view. I would be the last person to claim such a right. However, discussing the issue of parenting is paramount if we are to shift focus from what can be done, to what we, ourselves, can actually do. I would therefore like to heed a warning of my harsh reality. And, even if at times, I may appear unconventional, time will eventually be my judge.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Charles Bukowski
Would you Choose Yourself as Υour Parent - George Lagios
Starting from...the basics “Don’t get married, don’t have children, you’re fine, trust me!” But… hold on a sec, I’m confused… Didn’t you tell me, a little while ago that…? “You’ll understand once you have a child” or “at least have a child, you’re almost 40 years old. Haven’t you matured yet?” These are some iconic phrases that all of us have heard from our married friends or in our social groups, at weddings or baptisms. These are very dangerous phrases—why is that, though? It’s because they add one more burden onto people who already don’t know where they’re heading in life. What’s more, this burden is heavy, and potentially toxic. People who voice these words don’t possess the adequate empathy skills required to understand that they aare instigators of the big- gest crime of all times. The crime instigated is believing that we must pass on our inherited DNA and that we’re capable of instill- ing in a child the proper values and resources needed, and guide it accordingly. The irony here is that we believe that we’re doing so well with our- selves, that we as people are so balanced and fulfilled, that we can lead children down a virtuous path. If there is a God or aliens, they’re probably pulling out their hair or their antennas for human self-confidence is truly overrated and self-exaggerated. If someone dares to utter that they don’t want to have children, it’s very likely that they’ll be met with the response that a grim future awaits them. That they’ll die alone, destitute, and forgotten. That they will not have someone to take care of them, and that their ag- ing will be pitiful. That they will eventually regret it profusely. Let’s see though, to what extent, that might be true…
ARE PARENTS TRULY HAPPIER? During the last two decades while birth rates have been dropping, there has been growing scientific interest in whether people who do have children are happier compared to those who don’t—with contradictory results. Some findings suggest that, even though par- ents sleep less, are more stressed, more preoccupied and tired, they claim to be happier. It is a new form of happiness. When parents come home and see their children, they put aside the difficulties of their working day. Of course, factors such as country of residence, the legal framework of support, culture, socioeconomic status, and the parent’s person- ality and quality of their relationship, all play a paramount role. On the other hand though, things are not always so rosy. If chil- dren were indeed the solution and could create happiness simply through their presence, why do we see so many unhappy parents? While I’m writing these words, some people are not returning home because they cannot face a harsh reality. They cannot pro- vide for their family, they are cheating on their spouse because they love them platonically or as an enemy, they have grown to neglect themselves, they have forgotten to laugh, they don’t respect their partner anymore, they simply—unexpectedly—changed… Whether at the grocery store or at the beach, we encounter par- ents who, for the most part, cannot handle the role they chose to be in—the parenting role. They are unprepared, without having been informed of the requirements of that role, without having any guidance, without being in the mood
Would you Choose Yourself as Υour Parent - George Lagios
or even willing to try for it. While trying to measure if parents are truly content with their life, it was found that the results differed vastly when compared to those who are childless. More specifically, their levels of happiness, life and marriage satis-
faction, were found to be much lower when compared with those people who do not have children. It is interesting to note that these findings refer not only to parents whose children are dependent on them, either financially or otherwise, but include those older parents whose children have left home. Results also showed that having children does not correlate with increased levels of happi- ness. So, the question that begs to be asked is, why would someone want to have children in the first place ?
The most common answers to this questions are: •
To pass on our name and our DNA.
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For our parents to have grandchildren.
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To have someone take care of us when we’re older.
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Social conformity.
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To save our relationship or marriage.
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To add meaning to life.
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Because it happened unintentionally.
I have a hunch that, when we feel something in the present, it is not guaranteed that we will feel it forever. When we are in love we lie with unbridled intent, which oddly enough, at that moment, we truly believe. “Yes, I love you, now. I have never felt like this before. I have never done that with anybody else…”
A drop of love is more than an ocean of logic… Unknown
No, in ten years from now, there’s no way for us to know how we’ll be feeling. So many things will have changed. I hope though that, if a child is brought into this world, we will do our best to raise a vir- tuous person! Let us not be selfish, a child is a new life that we cre- ated but it’s not our property. It is the biggest risk one can take, and just like in the stock market, it is positively correlated with the re- ward. A child can make you feel truly proud with its achievements, but it can also send you to an early grave with its actions. There are so many behaviors of others that we do not have control of, but it is these we must handle with care, so that we may be conscientious and responsible in the advice that we give.
Would you Choose Yourself as Υour Parent - George Lagios
THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION AND THE THEORY OF UNNATU- RAL SELECTION In the mid-1850’s, Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace ex- panded on the theory of natural selection. Simply put, all living species on Earth evolve in such a way as to benefit their survival under differing environments. The inheritance of traits lies in their usefulness, so that those deemed redundant would adapt or disap- pear over time. Thus, the human brain and body slowly adjusted to a new state for the perpetuation of the species. There is a difference though, between the adaptation of an organ- ism to protect itself from the cold, and its adaptation to protect itself from self-harm; or, protection from the self-ingratiating thought that its genes must be passed on and society’s nonsensical notion that a person’s ultimate purpose is procreation. Without even touching upon the issue of overpopulation, humankind may be the only species which will self-destruct in an effort for self-preserva- tion. We are going after goals which we think will make us happy and, once they are achieved, we realize that we are still dissatisfied. Our goals are not even aligned with our true desires and values. We drive while under the influence, believing that nothing will happen to us, and disrespectful of the lives and property of others and with a lack of appreciation for ourselves—and ultimately our own exis- tence. Jonas Edward Salk, an American physician who conducted exten- sive research on viruses, had said that if, for any reason, insects became extinct, all other forms of life would end within the span of fifty years. Amazingly, if humans went extinct, all other lifeforms would flourish. I had felt inadequate, when I began contemplating about the un- fairness of most children growing up and starting from a point be- low zero, with fewer chances than the rest of us. And to be honest, I do not know how high I would have reached had meritocracy been an even-playing field—maybe I would have been well below average.And without wanting to pass the buck, when I relay my suggestion to you, it is highly likely that I, too, may need to grow when it comes to being a responsible future parent.
Would you Choose Yourself as Υour Parent - George Lagios
Perspectives from various angles MY FAMILY At this point, I will briefly refer to my family in order to show to you that we all have psychological issues, even in a fairly normal family environment. What is important is how we handle these issues, and to which degree they define our future, and the future of those around us, along with those scattered even further away.
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Would you Choose Yourself as ÎĽour Parent - George Lagios