Bereavement Special Supplement 2014

2014 Annual

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onitor

B e r e av e m e n t FEBruary 27, 2014

Supplement

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rief is a journey that has no timetable. It is an experience of pain and loneliness that often catches the bereaved off-guard with its intensity. The need for ministers to walk with the bereaved through this difficult time is a call of the Church, one that reminds the faithful that consolation is rooted in faith and hope in the Resurrection of Christ.

Across the Diocese of Trenton, parish bereavement ministries answer the call to walk with others in their grief. Their work, to promote healing, provide information and help those who have experienced a loss to grieve well, is supported through training and resources offered by the diocesan Department of Pastoral Care. Learn more about these ministries on S-3, S-6.

Inside: Words of Remembrance Bishop O’Connell reflects on the Order of Christian Funerals and meaning behind sharing words of remembrance

• S-2 Prayers for the Dead

As part of the Communion of Saints, prayers for the dead are a continued connection of love • S-7

Ministry of Meals

Bringing food to the grieving is a powerful ministry for both body and soul • S-9

Expectant Grief Sometimes grief begins well before the death of a loved one • S-12

Growing Trend

Women as funeral directors put a new face on a helping profession • S-12

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Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

A message from Bishop David M. O’Connell, C.M.

‘If We Die with the Lord, We Shall Live with the Lord:’ Reflections on the Order of Christian Funerals

C

oming from an Irish Catholic family, I can list everyone who was and, especially, who was not in attendance at family funerals! It’s a trait that is not reserved exclusively to the Irish.

I don’t mean to make light of a particularly difficult time in people’s lives. In fact, there are few occasions in our experience that call for heightened sensitivity as much as the death of a loved one. People tend not to forget what happens at a wake or funeral ... ever. That fact should make priests, deacons and pastoral ministers all the more careful and solicitous with grieving families.

“The Church Among the most beautiful aspects of the Roman Catholic GIVES us these liturgy are the rituals used by the Church in its “Order of rites; we, the Christian Funerals.” Even those who are not Catholic remark community of how consoling and comforting our funeral prayers and faith including customs are.

There is one area, however, the presiding especially within the Catholic funeral Mass, that has become priest, don’t increasingly neuralgic and problematic for pastors, priests make them up and people, and that is the giving of eulogies or other reourselves as we marks in the context of Mass.

The “Order of Christian Fugo along.” nerals” states specifically that following the prayer after communion “a member or a friend of the family may speak in remembrance of the deceased before the final commendation begins (no. 170).” This “remembrance” is not the same as the “homily” or sermon after the Gospel which is reserved by the Church’s law to an ordained priest or deacon (canon 767, para. 1). The priest’s (or deacon’s) homily, according to the ritual, “should always be given at the funeral liturgy but, never any kind of eulogy. ... Through the homily, the community should receive the consolation and the strength to face the death of one of its members with the hope that has been nourished by the proclamation of the saving word of God (no. 141).”

The issue is not so much the homily, which should be thoughtfully prepared and sincerely delivered by the priest or deacon in a way appropriate to the occasion and those gathered to pray for the deceased. Problems sometimes arise regarding the “remembrance” delivered following the prayer after communion. Who should give it? What

should it say (or not say)? How long should it be? The “Order of Christian Funerals” does not give answers to these questions. Neither does the Diocese.

The expectation of the Church in giving us these funeral rites and of the Diocese is that the ritual will be observed and that the parish priest will provide guidance to and will work with the grieving family to make good and appropriate decisions so that the funeral Mass serves the holy purpose for which the Church offers it to people at their time of loss. And that is an important point to keep in mind: the Church GIVES us these rites; we, the community of faith including the presiding priest, don’t make them up ourselves as we go along. At times, appropriate adaptations might need to be made in special circumstances but, ultimately, that is the responsibility of the parish priest attending to the family.

The “Order of Christian Funerals” indicates “a” member or friend of the family “may speak in remembrance.” It is not required and neither the funeral Mass nor the memory of the deceased is diminished if such a remembrance is not given. The ritual limits this remembrance to one person speaking and that is the practice usually observed in the parishes of the Diocese of Trenton.

The idea behind this practice is not to restrict people but, rather, to maintain respect, reverence and decorum for both the deceased and the Mass itself. Many people have special memories of the deceased but the funeral Mass is neither the time nor the place for everyone with such a memory to speak. The grieving family, if it desires such a remembrance at the funeral Mass, should decide on and select the person who will speak, and should inform the parish priest ahead of time. And the speaker should be a family member or friend who is not so stricken with grief that the delivery of a remembrance is impeded or cannot be completed.

The remembrance should be just that: a remembrance and a fitting tribute, not a retelling of the deceased person’s entire life history or a presentation of their curriculum vitae. It should not be lengthy, certainly not longer than the homily. Nor should it be a comedy monologue or joke fest about the deceased. Good humor can be appropriate and can certainly lift the veil of sadness that a family or community feels in the moment but jokes themselves are not the purpose of the remembrance provided for in the ritual.

“Off-color” remarks are never appropriate at a funeral Mass. Funny stories are better saved for and shared at the wake or at the luncheon

Words of Remembrance • Nancy King, the sister of the late Father William Evans, offers “words of remembrance” about her brother during his funeral Mass in December. The Church’s “Order of Christian Funerals” provides an opportunity for a friend or loved one of the deceased to share words of remembrance at the end of the Mass before the final commendation. Bishop David M. O’Connell, C.M., explains that this ritual is intended to show respect and reverence for both the deceased and the Mass itself. John Batkowski photo following the funeral Mass and burial.

The embrace at the funeral Mass should be an opportunity for the speaker to lift up the goodness of the deceased and his/her importance and relevance to those gathered to pray for him/her at a funeral Mass. It is always suggested that the speaker share his/ her remarks with the parish priest ahead of time, whenever possible.

The “Order of Christian Funerals” as given to us by the Catholic Church should be an experience of faith, hope and loving comfort for those grieving the death of a loved one, remembering and respecting the one who has died and whom we offer back in the funeral Mass to the God who created him/her. The Church and the Diocese hope that the ritual observed serves that holy purpose.

It is the responsibility of individual parishes in the Diocese to develop fitting and appropriate customs and practices to achieve that end, including those surrounding the remembrance given at the funeral Mass. Those customs and practices may differ slightly from parish to parish but the general expectation of the Church and the Diocese is that the “Order of Christian Funerals” is followed as given to us by the Church for the consolation and hope of those experiencing grief at the death of a loved one.

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

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Diocese offers support to ministers of those who mourn

By Christina Leslie Correspondent

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“

hen a member of Christ’s Body dies, the faithful are called to a ministry of consolation to those who have suffered the loss of one whom they love. Christian consolation is rooted in that hope that comes from faith in the saving death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

These words, excerpted from the Order of Christian Funerals,expresses the core of bereavement ministry encouraged and supported by the Diocesan Department of Pastoral Care.

John Kalinowski, director of the department, acknowledged the need to offer enrichment and instruction to those who minister to others in times of great loss, in order to meet the call of the Church to “each member of Christ’s Body – priest, deacon, lay person – to participate in the ministry of consolation: to care for the dying, to pray for the dead, to comfort those who mourn” (OCF).

The Diocese of Trenton aims to provide bereavement education, resources and support to parishes and care providers via two-day workshops for initial training, and follow-up enrichment days and seminars. Topics discussed include understanding the grief process, developing communication skills in dealing

“Christian consolation is rooted in that hope that comes from faith.” with the bereaved and training in the facilitation of support groups.

The Department of Pastoral Care has adapted the material issued by the National Catholic Ministry to the Bereaved for use in a training program for facilitators. “Training consists of formal presentation of the bereavement materials but, more importantly, a hands-on approach to forming groups, effective communication (empathetic and reflective listening skills) and group dynamics,” reported Kalinowski. “Our coordinators have many years of running their own support groups as well as assisting in the training of new facilitators.”

Bereaving children’s special needs prompted inclusion of the international RAINBOWS Ministry into the Diocese.

Available to parishes, schools, religious education and youth programs, RAINBOWS is organized according to guidelines instituted by the non-profit, Chicago-based organization which has served more than 2.7 million youth since its inception in 1983. Kalinowski,

a registered RAINBOWS facilitator, can assist in finding local programs.

Kalinowski noted the ever-increasing desire for these services within the parish families of the Diocese. He revealed, “Bereavement support is the most of any of our calls and emails that we receive each week. Our process is to find a local parish and contact the person, whether it be for themselves or a family member, and get them the support they need one-on-one or in the context of a support group.”

The ministry is growing within the Trenton Diocese, Kalinowski reported.

“We estimate over 300 active people involved in this ministry throughout the Diocese in [about] 80 parishes,” he enumerated. “In the past year we have trained 66 new facilitators at 28 parishes across the Diocese.”

The next diocesan training workshop, slated for April 4-5, will be held in Holy Family Parish’s Community Center, 1143 East County Line Road, Lakewood, from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. each day. Continental breakfast and lunch will be provided.

Attendance on both days is required to complete facilitator training. Participants are invited to bring any parish bereavement materials they would like to share. The cost of the workshop is $75 per person; parishes may choose to subsidize this fee.

To register, send name, address, phone, email, and parish name and town, along with a check made payable to the Diocese of Trenton, to the Department of Pastoral Care, Attention John M. Kalinowski; Diocese of Trenton, 701 Lawrenceville Road, P.O. Box 5147, Trenton, N.J. 08638.

Registration is due by March 28. For further information, contact the Pastoral Care department at 609-403-7157.

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FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

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Personalized funerals are missing spiritual aspects

By Pete Sheehan Catholic News Service LONG ISLAND, N.Y • The trend in funerals today toward more personalized, less traditional ceremonies is taking these services where no funerals have gone before.

In recent years funeral industry officials have reported a wide range of different ways people are paying tribute to friends and loved ones. For example, a Houston-based Space Services Inc., specializing in commercial space ventures, will launch cremated remains into orbit.

Other more literally down-to-earth funerals have included ceremonies on a golf course when the deceased was an avid golfer or having an ice cream truck lead the funeral procession for the burial of man who made his living selling ice cream.

“We have been seeing this for some time,” said Daniel Biggins, a spokesperson for the National Funeral Directors Association and vice president and chief operating officer for Magoun-Biggins Funeral Home in Rockland, Mass.

More common personalized funerals include displays of photos, playing of videos about the deceased or music dear to the departed, Biggins said. Often the

Art of Remembering • Photos fill a

posterboard near the casket of a departed loved one. In recent years, funeral industry officials have reported a wide range of different ways people are paying tribute to friends and family.

CNS photo/Karen Callaway, Catholic New World

funeral home is replacing the church as the funeral venue – with or without a minister, priest or deacon.

“People want the funeral to reflect the life of their loved one,” Biggins said.

“It is a very consumer-driven movement.”

Many who minister to grieving families from a Christian perspective say they understand the desire for personalized funerals, but they also offer caution.

Rev. Thomas Long, a Presbyterian minister and professor of theology at Emory University in Atlanta, said the

trend of personalized funerals reflects changes in the culture.

“It took five centuries for the Christian church to develop a funeral rite that is truly Christian,” said Rev. Long, author of “Accompany Them With Singing: The Christian Funeral,” and co-author of the soon-to-be-released “The Good Funeral: Death, Grief and the Community of Care.”

The narrative behind the Christian approach to a funeral, he explained, is that “the deceased is on a journey to God. We are accompanying them along the journey.”

He said the journey begins with Baptism, for which the newly baptized person wears a white garment. At the funeral, the final stage of that journey, the deceased has a white pall draped over the casket to evoke baptism.

Sister Mary Alice Piil, a sister of St. Joseph and director of the Office of Faith Formation for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, N.Y., said some families, in their desire for personalization, have difficulty grasping the symbolism in traditional funerals.

For example, she said one woman spoke to her about a New York Yankees’ flag draped over a casket at a funeral and couldn’t understand the insistence on the traditional white pall.

Yet the same woman came back a few weeks later with glowing stories about her grandson’s Baptism.

“Was your grandson wearing a Yankees’ gown?” Sister Mary Alice inquired.

“I’m beginning to see your point,” the woman replied.

“At the heart of the Catholic funeral is the Catholic faith,” said Msgr. Rick Hilgartner, director of the U.S. bishops’ Secretariat of Divine Worship in Washington.

“It’s not just the remembrance of the deceased,” Msgr. Hilgartner said, See Funeral • S-17

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Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Light in the Darkness

Bereavement ministry provides support, comfort of faith

By David Karas Correspondent

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“They are finding their solace in the hands of God.”

etta Lieb knows full well that most of the people she meets won’t consider the introduction a pleasant experience.

But, in many ways, that’s what drives her to do her job.

Lieb is director of the cemetery and mausoleums of St. Mary of the Lake Parish, Lakewood, as well as an active member of the parish’s consolation ministry.

And while her professional duties involve her meeting with the families of deceased loved ones in the hours and days following a loss, her ministerial role involves extending the comforting presence of faith in the months and years following the hardship.

“As part of my job, I get to meet the people at their worst time, and because they visit frequently and I am out and about here, I get to monitor them, see how they are doing,” she says. “We are very friendly and welcoming to the families that come here.”

Lieb’s role with the cemetery and mausoleums – which serve a wide community of Catholics in Ocean and Monmouth Counties well beyond the confines of Lakewood – dovetails, in many cases, with the parish’s consolation ministry.

She is just one of more than 300 who are involved in consolation and bereavement ministries across the Diocese of Trenton, in some 80 parishes with programs aimed at comforting and supporting those suffering from a loss.

There are groups of various names for adults and children, as well as specific ministry meetings or groups focused on men and women, but the main objectives are the same: to walk with individuals and families as they cope with the loss of a loved one, and provide them the support to help them make it through the difficult time.

For Mary Ann Collett, a grief counselor who helps to train folks for bereavement and consolation ministries across the diocese, the approach is multi-faceted.

“I try to take a holistic approach, of mind, body and spirit,” she said.

Collett, a parishioner in St. William the Abbott Parish, Howell, teaches ministers in various parishes about the skills required for such outreach, through lecture formats and more hands-on experiences.

“The skills that are pertinent to use, like listening skills, are essential,” she said, adding that the ministers serve mainly as a source of support for those suffering a loss. “They are a point of contact.”

Trainings also include details on funeral services and other technical aspects of the days and weeks following a family loss, she said.

“They are all the different aspects of what it is to meet with a person who is going through a grieving process,” she said.

Between her parish ministry and the cemetery and mausoleums, Lieb says that a series of programs are offered to engage those who are grieving, including special Masses on

COMPASSION AND CONSOLATION • Grieving individuals and families find support through

parish bereavement ministries. Stock photo

Mother’s and Father’s Day, as well as remembrance Masses throughout the year. There are also ample opportunities for folks to meet others in similar positions – a critical part of the mission, she believes.

“They get to see that they are really not alone,” she said. “We have had people break out of bereavement groups that formed their own friendships, and they still continue to support each other even years after the fact of losing their spouses (or others).”

The most rewarding part for Lieb, she shared, is seeing the progress made by folks. “(At first), the people are so distraught, and they believe they are never going to get better, (that) they are never going to survive this tragedy that occurred,” she said. “(As time passes), you see them, and maybe though bereavement support groups or whatever they choose, you can see that they have grown.”

“Most of them have returned to Church, which I find very exciting,” she continued. “They are finding their solace in the hands of God.” From parents of suicide victims to men and women who have lost spouses of many decades, Lieb says that the individual cases vary greatly but the results seen in many of the clients are equally rewarding and inspiring.

“It is just a phenomenal thing to see them go from not being able to say more than a sentence without breaking down in tears, to seeing them laughing…they can laugh again, they can move on with their lives,” she said.

“It doesn’t mean that the hurt has disappeared, but they can function.”

Deacon Mike Mullarkey, of Epiphany Parish, Brick, has been involved in bereavement ministry and counseling for close to 30 years. While he is presently working mostly with counseling Superstorm Sandy survivors – many of whom have lost homes and most of their possessions, and are in somewhat similar processes of grief – he said that the

resources available at the parish level for those in grief are extraordinary.

Those involved in ministering to the grief-stricken have often experienced losses themselves, he added, including some who have lost multiple spouses in their lifetimes.

“I think it just opens the door for people when they realize that the people on the team have been there,” he said. “What helps people to begin to build the relationships and be open and vulnerable, is that they realize the people on the team have been through it.”

Losses can affect each individual person in vastly different ways, he said, and such ministries provide support that can be tailored, in a sense, to each person.

He echoed Lieb’s comments when talking about how rewarding it is to see the progress in participants.

“Clearly, they never get back to where they were before the loss, yet there are some people that get even greater spirituality or faith than prior to the tragedy,” he said. “That gives hope to those people … it gives hope to families and friends.”

Deacon Bob Tharp of St. Raphael-Holy Angels Parish, Hamilton, has been involved in bereavement counseling for more than 18 years now, and he helps coordinate his parish’s group that meets once a month.

“It really is an opportunity for the people who are grieving to share their experiences and reality with other grieving people,” he said, adding that the moniker “grief shared is grief diminished” rings true. “As they see other people dealing with the issues they are dealing with … they get a great deal of healing out of it.”

Like Lieb, Tharp understands the somewhat paradoxical nature of the ministry.

“The greatest reward we get is when someone has healed and doesn’t need us anymore,” he said. “The greatest reward I get is when someone no longer comes.”

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

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Praying for the dead in a communion of saints

By David Gibson Catholic News Service

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ome people cannot imagine praying for the dead. What is unimaginable to many others is not to pray for those who die.

To be sure, there is more than one way to pray for those who die, just as there is more than one way to pray for those in this world who share intimately in our daily lives. Our greatest hopes for others, whether in this world or the next, are what lend shape to our prayers for them, as does our appreciation of their finest gifts.

Whatever its form, prayer for others focuses on what is best for them, what God intends for them. With that in mind, we commend the dead “to God’s mercy,” as the Catechism of the Catholic Church points out. Indeed, we do.

But there is something beyond petitions for mercy that I find noteworthy about praying for the dead. It is the deep-down sense of continued connection with them that these prayers appear to express.

The loss suffered when someone we love dies is not absolute, which is not to suggest it is not painful. In praying for a parent, a spouse, a child or friend who died recently or long ago, we affirm that

Prayerful Remembering • The grave marker of a couple is illuminated with a candle as a full moon shines through clouds on All Souls’ Day. CNS photo/Lisa Johnston, St. Louis Review

– though we may not fully understand how – they still matter for us in ways that add up to much more than the memories documented by old photo albums.

Our love of them remains meaningful, invaluable.

Praying for the dead was hardly unimaginable for Pope Benedict XVI. In a 2007 encyclical titled “Spe Salvi,” he wrote: “The belief that love can reach into the afterlife, that reciprocal giving and

receiving is possible in which our affection for one another continues beyond the limits of death – this has been a fundamental conviction of Christianity throughout the ages, and it remains a source of comfort today.

“Who would not feel the need to convey to their departed loved ones a sign of kindness, a gesture of gratitude or even a request for pardon?”

Those comments by Pope Benedict

suggest there are various ways of praying for the dead – that this kind of prayer might even assume the form of a kind, considerate and affectionate conversation.

Petitions to God undoubtedly rank as the principal form of prayer for those who have died. The Church prays, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, that those who die “may attain the beatific vision of God” (No. 1032) and “that no one should be lost” (No. 1058).

But does that imply that our prayers must be colored by a sense of desperate fear regarding the eternal life of someone who has died? It seems good to remember that our pleas for a loved one do not serve as God’s formal introduction to that person.

Maybe we think that after “Harvey” dies that he was hardly perfect, though he was dear to us and good in ways many did not recognize. But should we worry that God, too, did not recognize Harvey’s goodness or found no reason to care for him?

My spirituality prompts me to believe that the people I love are loved even more by God. In praying for them, I try not so much to petition God’s presence to them as to refresh my faith that somehow God always is present to them in ways that genuinely matter.

See Mercy • S-16

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Bereavement

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The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

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When lasagna says more than words

By Carol Zimmermann Catholic News Service

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ften after the death of the loved one of a friend, neighbor or co-worker, people are at a loss for what to say or do but they might be quick to whip up a batch of brownies or a chicken casserole.

And that is just the right thing – for the person who cooks it and the recipients – say those who have been there.

Noelle Hawton, parishioner at Nativity of Mary parish in Bloomington, Minn., said when she was unexpectedly widowed at the age of 28, she had her first experience with lots of food suddenly arriving at her doorstep.

“I had never lost anyone before and found it odd and surprising that neighbors I hadn’t even met yet, as well as co-workers, were sending me food,” she told Catholic News Service in an email.

What she also hadn’t expected was how her home would become a central location for family members as they made plans for her husband’s funeral and burial.

“That food was a godsend, as it allowed us all to eat without having to plan meals or hit the store, which none of us had the energy to do,” she said.

Comfort of Fellowship • Members of a

grieving family accept a sympathy card and a tray of homemade brownies from a member of the consolation ministry after the death of a family member.

CNS photo/Gregory A. Shemitz

Hawton, a senior vice president of Tunheim, a Minneapolis-based communications firm, has been quick to return the favor, saying she always brings food to someone who has experienced a death in the family; but she also makes the point to “bring it over frozen in case they have lots of fresh food they will be working to get through.”

Sending a frozen meal is one tip among many that regular donors and bloggers suggest. Other suggestions include: trays of cut-up vegetables and

fruit, bagels and cream cheese, sandwich trays, soups or stews, pies or casseroles. Ideally, food should be easy to transport and easy to eat. It should also hold well and freeze well.

Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist and author based in Los Angeles, said “a lot of times, people have difficulty finding the right words to express their condolences, and a gift of food conveys their warm support.”

She also noted that even though “the family may get more food than

they or their sympathetic friends can eat the gesture is what is important.

Food is symbolic of nurturance, especially when the food is homemade. This conveys comfort to the grieving family.”

The way these good-intentioned foods are presented is also key. For example, donated meals should be given in containers that do not need to be returned. The food should also be labeled and include specific heating instructions. In other words: do not put an extra burden on the receiver.

Another tip food givers should keep in mind is that they are very likely not the only ones with this idea. To avoid adding one more chicken dish to a refrigerator already filled with donated chicken pot pies donators should consider using websites that organize meals and drop-off schedules such as foodtidings.com or takethemameal.com.

These sites provide an online signup sheet for donated meals and post information such as food allergies and best times to drop off meals. The specific information for families is coordinated by a volunteer friend, neighbor or parishioner who coordinates the schedule on the website.

Often parishes use these sites See Food • S-17

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Bereavement

Parish

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Bereavement Ministry

Directory

The Twinned Parishes of

Our Lady of Mount Carmel & Holy Spirit Come share your feelings, thoughts and hopes with us each Thursday from 3:30 to 5:00 p.m. at our Bereavement Group Meetings

1212 First Avenue, Asbury Park

St. Pius X Church Bereavement Ministry In an effort to support those who have lost a loved one, St. Pius X Church offers several groups to minister to them. Journey through Grief is designed to comfort adults who have lost a loved one. Companions on the Journey is an ongoing support group. Rainbows addresses the special needs of children and teens grieving any serious loss, be it death or divorce. Amazing Grace is a post-abortive support group offering comfort, reconciliation and healing to those suffering the spiritual and emotional pain of abortion.

Contact St. Pius X Parish Office, Forked River: 609-693-5107

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

Bereavement

St. Mary Roman Catholic Parish Middletown, NJ 07748 Contact: Bob & Eileen Batz 732-787-8566

Meeting days & times: Monday 7p.m. for Parents who have lost a child Wednesday 7p.m. for anyone who lost a loved one

St. Catharine - St. Margaret Parish, Spring Lake, has a Bereavement Support Group.

If you have experienced a loss, do not walk alone in your journey. Come be supported by our group that meets regularly throughout the year.

Call 732-449-5765 Sr. Margaret Tierney (ext 124)

or Sr. Katie McGady (ext 148)

St. Joseph Church in Toms River Bereavement Ministry

Let us offer you the love, care and support you seek as you journey through the loss of a loved one.

Our 8-week program runs twice a year—winter and spring.

Please contact Deacon Michael Taylor at 732 349-0018, ext. 2204

Bereavement Group at St.

David the King

Princeton Junction Ministry Team: Nanci Bachman, Jeanne Hardingham, John Kalinowski and James Mahlmann will schedule their next Bereavement Group Sessions beginning in April. The six sessions ‘A journey from Grief to Healing’ will be held on Wednesday evenings from 7 – 8:30 PM. For more information please contact Nanci Bachman at nbachman@stdavidtheking.com or call 609.275.7111 ext 311.

“Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted” – Matthew 5:4

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Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Grieving process begins well before loved one’s death

By Pete Sheehan Catholic News Service

G

rieving for a loved one can begin long before that loved one dies.

“I’ve said that the day they die is the day you cry, but it’s not the day that you lost them,” said Ralph Zerbonia, an entrepreneur from Youngstown, Ohio, who for years watched his mother, Gloria, decline through dementia.

“There is not even a certain date that you can cite where the loss takes place,” said Zerbonia. Before his mother’s illness, she was well known in her neighborhood and her parish for her outgoing, kind personality.

“I think the word that people used was ebullient,” he said.

As the disease progressed, she became angry, temperamental, demanding, Zerbonia said. She also couldn’t remember him or his brother.

Pam Bradley of South Bend, Ind., recalls her father’s decline from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease – a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord.

From her father’s diagnosis to his death, she found herself grieving “in baby steps.” The father that she and her brothers and sisters knew was vibrant and personable. He had kept active, even joining the YMCA as he grew older.

Then he found himself experienc-

Expectant Grief • Grieving for

a loved one can begin long before that loved one dies. CNS photo/Matthew Barrick

ing unsteadiness on his feet. Later he began falling. His doctor diagnosed him with ALS and told him that he needed a walking stick. Eventually he couldn’t drive a car.

“I remember when he couldn’t take off his socks,” Bradley said, but he was proud when he found a way to push them off with his cane. Later, he needed a walker.

“At one point I remember realizing, ‘He’s not going to be able to visit us again,’” Bradley said. Even after he was confined to his bed, there were still new levels of grief.

“Dad was very friendly, and he loved to talk. His high school yearbook listed his nickname as ‘Joe the Jaw,’” Bradley said with an affectionate laugh.

In time, he lost his ability to speak and

was forced to communicate “with a strange spelling mechanism.”

“At each point, you realize,” Bradley said, “it is not the same dad or the same grandpa.”

“I don’t think it is unusual for a caregiver or a family member to begin grieving long before the person dies,” said Bill Dodds of Mountlake Terrace, Wash. Dodds, a veteran journalist, is co-founder and president of the Friends of St. John the Caregiver, an international Catholic organization for family caregivers. He and his late wife, Monica, for years wrote a Catholic News Service column on caring for an elderly parent.

He said he heard many stories through the years of how people coped with the health decline of a parent.

“They grieve losses along the way and the relationship changes. Every story is the same and every story is unique,” he said, noting that the reason for and the nature of the person’s decline and the individual family’s circumstances all make the experience different.

Yet the reality of the loss is universal, he noted.

One husband he knows had a wife with Alzheimer’s disease. She had forgotten who her husband was. She was at a nursing home “and sometimes would flirt with a male resident.”

The husband visited her daily and understood, Dodds said. “He wrote of her lovingly.”

Dodd’s knowledge of this subject also comes from personal experience.

During the last year of his wife’s life as she battled cancer, he said he “had to gradually let go of things” – whether it was the trips they enjoyed, long nightly walks or eventually the ministry that they practiced together.

He said the process “can be very lonely” as caregivers and family members cope with the gradual losses they suffer. “It helps to know that there are others going through the same kind of experiences.”

For a free copy of “The Little Book of Caregiver Prayers” contact Bill Dodds at: BillDodds@YourAgingParent.com, or call 1-800-392-JOHN (5646), or write to Friends of St. John the Caregiver, P.O. Box 320, Mountlake Terrace, WA 98043.

More women are becoming funeral home directors

By Pete Sheehan Catholic News Service

F

or generations, funeral homes have been passed down from father to son.

“Now, they are being passed on more and more from father to daughter,” said Valerie Wages, president of Tom M. Wages Funeral Service in Lawrenceville and Snellville, Ga., founded by her father.

Wages, a former teacher who decided to work in her father’s funeral home, is an example of a growing trend, said Jessica Koth, public relations manager for the National Funeral Directors Association in Brookfield, Wis. In the past decade, she said, surveys show that a growing percentage of their members are women. For example, the percentage of women attending mortuary science school increased from 35 percent to 57.1 percent from 1995 to 2010.

“When I was in mortuary school, it was about 1 percent women,” said Jacquelyn Taylor, senior scholar at the New England Institute at Mount Ida College just outside Boston. Taylor, a veteran of the funeral directors’ profession, has seen the steady influx of women in this career.

“I was a psychology major in college,” said Beth Dalton-Costello, presi-

dent and co-owner of Dalton Funeral Homes on Long Island. Her grandfather had founded the business. “I was always interested in helping people, and I worked in several jobs after college” before being drawn to the family business.

“Being a funeral director is a helping profession,” she said. “I enjoy it. I’ve been doing it more than 30 years.”

Wages pointed out that “it’s not just daughters of funeral home directors that are coming into the business.” She said nurses, former hospice workers and others have joined the profession.

Taylor said she became interested in this line of work when she was growing up in Oregon. “My family’s church was next door to a funeral home,” she said, adding that her friends would dare each other to walk up to it.

One day, Taylor said, she was curious and knocked on the door and asked to speak to the funeral home director. That conversation led to a tour of the funeral home for her parish youth group. Over the years she was impressed with the dedication of funeral directors serving families and considered it for her own career.

When Wages was growing up she said she saw her father “getting calls in the middle of the night or on Christmas Day” following the death of a loved one. She

found her father’s commitment inspiring.

“I see it as a ministry,” Wages, a Southern Baptist, said.” “You are meeting people at the lowest point in their lives.” Treating them with compassion is essential. “Over the years I’ve been happy to hear so many people say: ‘You really listened to me.’”

“It is a difficult time in people’s lives,” Dalton-Costello said. “You can’t remove the pain and grief, but you can help them gain order and control.” One of the ways that a funeral director helps is “by providing a comfortable space for families to grieve. The funeral home is an extension of their home.”

“Funeral directors also become involved in their community,” Wages said. When she was young she said local Catholics didn’t have a church in town and used the funeral home chapel for Masses until their church was built.

She said the profession of funeral home directors is often not portrayed accurately in the media. To clear up any misconceptions, she said the profession is made up of “dedicated, caring people who serve families and do a lot of good for people that nobody knows about.”

Wages said the funeral home business used to be a “male-dominated profession.”

New Face of Care • Kerry J. Maher, a licensed funeral director, poses inside one of the chapels at St. James Funeral Home in St. James, N.Y. For generations, funeral homes have been passed on from father to son, but now more women are becoming funeral home directors. CNS photo/Gregory A. Shemitz

Taylor agreed, saying that when she first looked into the prospect of being a funeral director, she was told women can’t do that.

“I think the real turning point came when more professions that were traditionally male professions were opening up,” Taylor said. Funeral directors soon followed suit.

“A lot depends on what you bring to it,” Dalton-Costello said. “I think women bring a certain energy to the profession. Sensitivity and compassion reflect the nurturing side of women.”

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

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Quinn Hopping Funeral Home TIM DOERR MARIAN MUOIO

Fax (732) 818-3510

Phone (800) 982-5577

BURIALS | ENTOMBMENTS | CREMATIONS | PRE-PLANNING

“We are dedicated to exceeding expectations and delivering a standard of service that is 100% guaranteed.”

Fax (908) 789-7599

www.mastermemorials.com

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~

Michael T. Sutton, N.J. Lic. No. 4128

Gary Collins - Manager, NJ Lic. No. 2920 Richard Clawges, NJ Lic. No. 3440 Gary Collins - Manager, NJ Lic. No. 2920 William Slimm, Jr. NJ Lic. No 4218 Richard Clawges, NJ Lic. No. 3440 Manager David Kalinowski, Director BrianWilliam Horne, Slimm, NJ Lic.Jr. NoNJ 4258 Lic. No 4218

N.J. Lic. No.NJ3925 Brian Horne, Lic. No 4258

Christopher R. Leber Advance Planning Director N.J. Lic. No. 4339

Richard D. Smith, Director N.J. Lic. No. 4710 www.pagefuneralhome.com

pagefuneralhome@comcast.net www.pagefuneralhome.com www. pagefuneralhome.com • pagefuneralhome@comcast.net

pagefuneralhome@comcast.net 26 Mule Road, Toms River, NJ | 732-240-3800 | www.quinn-hoppingfh.com

SAUL FUNERAL HOMES, INC. Established 1899 W. William Saul, Owner Emeritus

The day is remembered and quietly kept, no words are needed, we shall never forget.

For those we love never go away, they walk beside us every day.

Unseen and unheard, but always near, so loved, so missed, and so very dear.

A.S. Cole Son & Co. 22 North Main Street Cranbury, NJ 08512 609-395-0770

Glackin/Saul Funeral Home 136 Morrison Avenue Hightstown, NJ 08520 609-448-1801

Saul Colonial Home

3795 Nottingham Way Hamilton Square, NJ 08690 609-587-0170

Kimberly M. Saul–Bowne, CFSP, Manager N.J. Lic. No. 4110 www.saulfuneralhomes.com

Saul Memorial Home 1740 Greenwood Avenue Hamilton, NJ 08609 609-587-8221

Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Forms of Grief •

Red Cross volunteers serve hot meals to those affected by Hurricane Sandy in New Jersey.

“There is a real dynamic to how communities recover from natural disasters,” said Jennifer Long, director of the St. Joseph’s Counseling Center for Catholic Charities of Oklahoma City. CNS photo/Bob Roller

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Grief counselors steer communities toward long-term healing

By Pete Sheehan Catholic News Service

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. • After debris has been cleared and physical rebuilding is well underway, counselors for victims of natural disasters and violence contend that real healing still needs to take place.

“There is a real dynamic to how communities recover from natural disasters,” said Jennifer Long, director of the St. Joseph’s Counseling Center for Catholic Charities of Oklahoma City.

Long’s agency is responding to the tornados that struck Oklahoma in 2013, killing 24 people, injuring hundreds, and causing an estimated $2 billion in damage.

“There is the heroic phase,” where people come and try to help those badly affected by the disaster. There is also “the honeymoon phase,” Long said, when there is “overwhelming support from unaffected areas” when people begin to think that the problem is being solved.

Yet disillusionment follows. Those affected begin to look at their situation, sometimes experiencing suicidal thoughts and other psychological distress. There is also disgruntlement about what has been done to help, Long said.

After several months, Long said victims of the disaster enter into the reconstruction phase, when they begin to recognize their need for help and to seek counseling. “Our job is to come in and help out,” she said.

This process is not just limited to natural disasters. Beth Chambers, director of Catholic Charities for southern Boston, has had experience in grief counseling since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

“Two of the planes that were hijacked on Sept. 11 were out of Boston,” Chambers said.

“We are still counseling family members of passengers, pilots and crew members,” Chambers said. Other incidents such as the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing can trigger memories and emotions in families who lost loved ones to previous terrorist attacks.

Four months after the marathon bombing she said her office was expecting those affected to come forward. She said grief counselors were ready to assist in any way possible and to also refer

those needing additional assistance to other agencies.

“The people who will come to see us are figuring out their own feelings. We will help them to figure out what they need to do. We are not the psychologists, but we can work with people on the day to day,” she said.

Both Chambers and Long noted that the initial focus is on individuals affected most directly by the trauma of violence or natural disaster. That is the key to healing the larger community.

Long said one year after the Oklahoma tornados the agency had some requests for help especially from families with children having nightmares or showing regressive behavior.

“We help them develop basic coping skills,” she said.

For the larger influx of people who will seek the agency’s help later, Long said the goal is to help people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or to help prevent others from developing it.

Long said an important way to help people recovering a natural disaster is to help them regain a sense of security.

“Sometimes people ask, ‘Can you guarantee us that this won’t happen again?’

Of course, we can’t.”

But counselors can help people develop a plan to deal with a disaster if it happens again. Disaster aid can also help ease people’s anxieties -- even those who don’t necessarily need that kind of assistance. Construction of emergency shelters and other preparations can also help.

Long said counselors also can teach survivors how to “desensitize themselves to certain emotional triggers.”

For example, they urge people not to link clouds in the sky or even thunder and lightning, to possible tornados.

Or sometimes the onset of a tornado can sound like an oncoming train, Long said. People can learn to moderate their reaction when they hear a train rather than jump to the conclusion that another tornado is coming.

After working with the immediate victims of the trauma, Long said counselors will broaden their focus, meeting with first responders, emergency medical personnel and firefighters.

“We help people to tell their stories,” Long said, “so that they feel less isolated and can see that others have managed to get through this.”

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

George S. Hassler Funeral Home

A Catholic Family Serving Our Community Since 1978.

George S. Hassler Owner & Director NJ Lic. No. 3193

Brian T. Hassler Manager NJ Lic. No. 4054

Gary T. Bowcock Director NJ Lic. No. 3385

980 Bennetts Mills Road P.O. Box 1326 Jackson Twp., New Jersey 08527

www.hasslerfuneralhome.com Phone

732-364-6808

Fax

732-364-8592

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Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Mercy of God reaches the dead Anderson & Campbell Funeral Home 703 Main St., Toms River, NJ 08753

732-349-5700

....Caring For Our Catholic Community Since 1869 www.andersonandcampbell.com Three locations: Toms River, Manchester & Whiting Mark D. Polhemus, Mgr. • NJ Lic. # 3882

Continued from • S-7

Dominican Father Brian Shanley, president of Providence College in Rhode Island, spoke in a 2012 address about praying for others.

St. Thomas Aquinas thought “that we can play a role in God’s providence for others through our freely chosen and grace-inspired prayers,” Father Shanley explained.

He also said: “When we utter a petitionary prayer for someone else, we are not informing God of what God does not know or asking God for a gift that God does not want to give. ... It is part of the largesse of the grace of God that God allows us to cooperate with him in his providence for others.”

Beyond petitions to God, our prayer might assume the form of a meditation on the life of someone who dies. We might ponder how this person’s example constitutes a legacy able to inspire the

next stages of our own life.

Our prayers might also be shaped by expressions of gratitude to God for someone who countless times was a gift to us.

Prayer for the dead is undergirded by the Church’s belief in the communion of saints. Pope Francis mentioned this last October.

“There is a communion of life among all those who belong to Christ,” Pope Francis said. This “communion of saints,” he stressed, “goes beyond earthly life.”

Pope Francis pointed to “a deep and indissoluble bond between those who are still pilgrims in this world – us – and those who have crossed the threshold of death and entered eternity.”

For, he said, “all baptized persons here on earth, the souls in purgatory and all the blessed who are already in paradise make one great family.”

Gibson served on Catholic News Service’s editorial staff for 37 years.

Bereavement support group starting St. Joseph Parish, Keyport is offering a free, nine-week Christian-based bereavement program beginning April 29 from 7 to 9 p.m. in the parish nurse office located in the school building,

376 Maple Place, Keyport.

Anyone grieving the loss of a loved one is welcome to attend. For information contact Wendy Walnock at 732567-9486.

W

e’re here for you after everyone’s gone.

At The Pfleger Funeral Home, we know the grieving process is very dificult and can last months or even years.

We can help you locate bereavement counseling services, a support group or a resourceful book to make this difficult time easier for you and your family.

When you don’t know where to turn, The Pfleger Family is still here for you.

Evan F. Pfleger (Manager), John F. Pfleger Jr. (Director), Gregory W. Pfleger (Owner) (N.J. Lic. No. 4714)

(N.J. Lic. No. 3678)

(N.J. Lic. No. 3244)

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

A wake-up

W

e don’t know the day or the hour when our time on earth will end. Is there not an appointed time for man’s existence on earth to end? Job asked.

Now the 21st century has the answer to that Old Testament question with something called the death watch, as in wristwatch. Formally known as the Tikker, the watch’s digital display shows the years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds until its wearer

.............................

Consider This

call, until you don’t wake up runs out of time. It provides a wake-up call until you don’t wake up.

Users are asked their age, weight, smoking and drinking habits, exercise routines and medical history, which are entered into the Tikker. Based on that information, it calculates when your life is likely to end. The Tikker can be reprogrammed to reflect improvements, such as diet and exercise, advancing your projected life span.

It is easy to dismiss other gadgets advertised on television, such as wireless remotes or barbeque thermometers. But imagine standing in a slow-moving line at the coffee shop and telling the barista,

“Let’s speed it up, since I’ve only got 20 years, 11 months three weeks, four days, 10 hours, 16 minutes and 45 seconds to get this done.”

As it turns out, the Tikker is not the only predictor of its kind. Scientists in England have developed a device that fires laser beams into the skin of the individual wearing it. It then analyzes the tissue under the skin to ascertain how the body is aging, and calculate how many years are remaining in that person’s life, depending on his or her health conditions.

The Tikker may serve a good purpose as a legitimate aid to think about the unthinkable.

Continued from • S-9 because there needs to be some coordination for the amount of people who wish to donate.

Molly Piper, a blogger from Minneapolis, wrote tips about bringing meals to grieving friends that she learned from personal experience after her daughter was delivered stillborn at 39 weeks, and she became the recipient of many lasagnas and chocolate chip cookies.

She said bringing meals to the bereaved is “essential, really” and is a “profound ministry to the hurting.”

She also advises givers not to think of the time of dropping off a meal as

necessarily the chance for long discussion or commiserating because the bereaved might not be ready for that.

Piper also writes – on mollypiper. com – that there is no set timeline for bringing food to someone who is grieving.

“Most of you probably don’t know anyone who lost a loved one so recently that meals are still being organized for them,” she wrote. “But you do probably know someone who endured a loss six, seven, 12 months ago. I can almost guarantee that if you called and asked to bring dinner this week, you’d bless their oven mitts off. It’s never too late.”

Funeral trends often bypass faith Food can comfort the bereaved Continued from • S-5 but the paschal mystery, what Jesus does to save, and the kingdom of God. Rev. Long traces the shift in focus of the Christian funeral to the 19th century, pointing out that funerals began emphasizing the mourners and their sorrow more than the person’s journey of life and death, which he said narrowed the focus to “an exercise in grief management.”

He said he does not object to grief management but added that the “best thing for grief management is meaning,” which the traditional Christian funeral “is better able to communicate.”

He said the modern personalized services – that leave out the deceased’s connection with their community or faith – offer “false comfort” that fades once mourners leave the service.

“It’s possible to do both,” said Jay Smith, president of Smith-Corcoran Funeral Home in Chicago. He said most families chose a traditional funeral, but there are still efforts to make the funerals more personal, particularly at the funeral home.

“The funeral home is simply that, an extension of the home,” agreed Sister Mary Alice. “That is the place to tell the stories, to sing the songs, to show the pictures.” The funeral home is also the place for a eulogy, a remembrance of the person who died.

At the funeral Mass, there is a different dynamic, she said, where the Scripture readings, homily, sacred music and all the other liturgical elements work together.

Introducing secular music or a eulogy during Mass “disrupts the whole flow.”

Still, a eulogy can be given before Mass. Favorite music also has its place outside church, Sister Mary Alice said.

“One family wanted to a have a traditional New Orleans jazz funeral,” which she applauded, but instructed them to have it outside church beforehand.

Some families have an Irish bagpipe player outside after Mass.

While there might be initial confusion in today’s culture about the value of traditional Christian rites, Sister Mary Alice said, “if you take the time to explain it to people, they get it.”

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Stephen Kent Catholic News Service

“The occurrence of death is no surprise to anyone, but in our modern society we rarely talk about it. I think that if we were more aware of our own expiration I’m sure we’d make better choices while we are alive,” said Fredrik Cotling, the Swedish inventor of the device.

Author Sheri Fink reflects on death in her book, “Five Days at Memorial.”

“What was it about death in the United States? Why did it seem like Americans were so unprepared for it when it occurred? People often did not want to talk about death with the dying, or be there with a relative when it happened,” she wrote.

Counting down to the time of death could be viewed as morbid. But consider the beginning of life. The happy couple marks the projected date on their calendar, posts the first sonogram on the refrigerator door and waits with joyful expectancy for the day when they’ll bring a new life into the world.

Why not do the same for the ending of life? If there is such happiness surrounding entrance into temporal life, why not even greater for entering eternal life?

A reminder of mortality is not a bad thing. Anything that invites us to think deeper is worthwhile. As the psalmist wrote, “Teach us to count our days aright, that we may gain wisdom of heart.”

Kent is the retired editor of archdiocesan newspapers in Omaha and Seattle.

Contact him at: considersk@gmail.com.

The Diocese of Trenton Recognizes

St. Gabriel’s Cemetery and Mausoleums T

he Diocese of Trenton recently engaged the services of a Cemetery Administration Consulting Service. The firm conducted a comprehensive review of both diocesan and parochial cemeteries. The following is a summary of their findings as reported in October 2012:

“Without doubt this is the best operated/maintained cemetery that we have examined to date in our review of the parochial/diocesan cemeteries in the Diocese of Trenton. This is a result of very careful definition and enforcement of rules/regulations for both mausoleums and ground burial sections.”

“The entire property presents itself as extremely well maintained and radiates a pride of ownership.”

“Even in late winter and early spring we were impressed by the appearance... St. Gabriel in Marlboro... [is an] example of excellent care and should become a benchmark for other cemeteries.”

“Terms for purchase of crypts and niches are most reasonable with a 25% deposit and the balance payable over two years, i.e. 24 monthly payments. Crypts and graves are reasonably priced for the area.”

St. Gabriel’s Church wishes to thank those families who have chosen our cemetery and mausoleums as the final resting place for their loved ones. It has been our pleasure to serve you.

We would also like to recognize the staff at the mausoleums and cemetery. It is their hard work and dedication that creates and maintains a beautiful memorial for so many loved ones.

St. Gabriel’s Cemetery and Mausoleums • 549 Route 520, Marlboro, N.J. 07746 732-780-1178 • www.stgabrielsmausoleums.com

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Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

POULSON & VAN HISE Funeral Directors 650 Lawrence Road Lawrenceville, NJ 08646 609-396-8168 www.poulsonvanhise.com

Caring for our neighbors since 1888

JOSEPH C. PARELL, III, CFSP OWBER-MANAGER N.J. Lic. # 3529 SARAH A. SUNDA DIRECTOR N.J. Lic. # 4570

JAMES “GREG” SMITH DIRECTOR N.J. Lic. # 3153 SCOTT C. LARKIN DIRECTOR N.J. Lic. # 4447

WA

WILSON-APPLE FUNERAL HOME • Traditional and Cremation Services • Handicapped Accessible • Serving All Faiths • Seating For Over 200 • Parking For Over 100 Cars • We Accept All Major Credit Cards

Family Owned & Operated for Two Generations Robert A. Wilson, Owner NJ Lic. No. 2520 R. Asher Wilson, Manager NJ Lic. No. 3823 PA# 0130 73-L

609-737-1498 www.wilsonapple.com Located on the Pennington Circle • 2560 Pennington Rd. • Pennington, NJ

Bereavement

FEBruary 27, 2014 • www.TrentonMonitor.com

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How the internet can help the bereaved

By Lynn LeCluyse Catholic News Service

M

any people use websites for funeral planning after a loved one has passed away. However, the Internet can also be a source to find comfort throughout the grieving process, learn about funeral etiquette, join a chat room or find a nearby church support group.

Steve Grissom is the founder of GriefShare, a Christian program that uses a website (griefshare.org) to provide information about grief and direct people to seminars and support groups.

Users can enter their zip codes on the home page of the site to be placed in a support group at one of 10,834 different sponsoring churches.

“So often people who are grieving look for help on the Internet,” Grissom told Catholic News Service. “Websites such as GriefShare can offer help for people immediately no matter what time they’re looking or what circumstances they are in at the moment.”

Once participants have located a nearby church offering the program, they meet for 13 weekly sessions. Each session features a 30-to-40 minute video from top grief recovery experts followed by discussion. Participants

Help Online •

Many people use websites such as griefshare. org, for funeral planning after a loved one has passed away.

CNS photo

can also use daily workbook exercises to give them a spiritual perspective.

For those not ready to meet face to face with a group, the site offers an online bookstore with specifically selected books about grieving as well as an option to receive daily emails of support with Scripture and personal stories as well as links to videos.

“Some people need access to grieving material online in the event that they couldn’t get to a support group due

Versatility Involvement Reputation Value

to scheduling reasons or because they aren’t yet comfortable with the idea of joining a group,” Grissom said.

He said people using GriefShare come from all over the globe and access the website at various hours of the day and night. Some 26,000 people visited the website in the month of June 2013.

Richard Paskin, the co-founder and managing director of funeralwise.com said the anonymity of online grieving sites can also be beneficial for those

who are not ready to join a support group.

Funeralwise.com offers not only information about grief and grief support but also material covering funeral planning, etiquette, customs and more.

The site’s online store sells flowers, memorial items, books and music.

The website acknowledges that grief must be dealt with differently in certain situations. It provides specific material and help for those dealing with death of an infant or child, terminal illness and death of a spouse.

The website healthfulchat.org offers a bereavement and grief chat room. The site points out that “social interaction can help you prioritize your grief and may help you heal faster,” and it also notes that “there may be loved ones around you who, try as they might, cannot possibly comprehend what you are going through or why moving on with your life is so difficult for you.” The option of a chat room offers support from people who can relate and who are are dealing with similar experiences of loss.

As the site’s philosophy explains: “Everyone grieves at their own pace. No matter how long it has been since your loss, you need a supportive environment of empathy to make it through.”

Design and construction of chapels and garden mausoleums, columbarium projects, funeral homes, additions, cemetery office buildings, memorials and churches. mid atlantic contractors Hands-on approach means personalized attention to every project every step of the way.

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P.0. Box 277, New Gretna, New Jersey 08224 • (609) 296-0455 • Fax (609) 296-2755 • www.midatlanticcontractors.com

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Bereavement

The Monitor • FEBruary 27, 2014

Department of Cemeteries The Diocese of Trenton operates St. Mary Cemetery & Mausoleum, a 35-acre cemetery with four large mausoleums on Cedar Lane, near Olden Ave., Trenton. With an endowed perpetual care fund, St. Mary Cemetery & Mausoleum provides a sacred, well-cared for, and peaceful setting, with in-ground burials, crypt entombments and niches for cremated remains.

St. Mary Cemetery & Mausoleum, call (609) 396-3421 for assistance.

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Christ the King Mausoleum at St. Maximilian Kolbe Church is now open!

We are pleased to announce that the Christ the King Mausoleum at St. Maximilian Kolbe Church is open and accepting entombments and inurnments. The mausoleum features single crypts, tandem crypts, and niches for cremated remains and is conveniently located adjacent to the church at the end of Mule Road in Toms River.

Pre-need arrangements may be made at the Parish Office Monday through Friday between the hours of 9:00am to 1:00pm. Of course, at-need arrangements are accommodated on a priority basis. An appointment is strongly recommended and inquiries should be directed to Nita or Maria at the parish office by dialing 732-914-0300. Stop by after Mass and take a look!

Jesus, Bread of Life Catholic Cemetery, Fostertown Road, Mount Laurel Plans are coming to a close for development of the first diocesan Catholic Cemetery in southern Burlington County.

Jesus, Bread of Life Catholic Cemetery will feature flat memorial and upright selections for ground burials as well as mausoleum entombment and niche inurnment. The initial offerings will include 7 ground burial section options, and will be open during mausoleum construction. Two sections will feature upright monument offerings and five sections will feature flat memorial interment rights.

The first of two mausoleums will feature exterior single and tandem entombment options as well as niche inurnment capabilities. Interior offerings will include singles, tandems, abbey crypts and niche options.

Updated information will be published in the Monitor though in the interim you may contact Deacon Edward Heffernan at 609-847-9487 for more information.

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Parishes with Cemeteries Burlington County

Monmouth County

Sacred Heart, Mount Holly • www.parishofsacredheart.org • (609) 267-0209

Holy Spirit, Asbury Park • www.holyspiritasburypk.4lpi.com • (732) 775-0030

Holy Assumption, Roebling • www.stsfnc.org • (609) 499-0161

St. John, Allentown • www.stjohnsallentownnj.org • (609) 259-3391

St. Mary, Bordentown • www.stmarysbordentown.org • (609) 298-0261

Our Lady of Mercy, Englishtown • www.moremercy.org (St. Thomas More Church) • (732) 446-6661

St. Paul, Burlington • www.stkatharinedrexel-nj.org • (609) 386-0152 Our Lady of Good Counsel, Moorestown • www.olgcnj.org • (856) 235-0181 St. Clare, Florence • www.stsfnc.org • (609) 499-0161

St. Rose of Lima, Freehold • www.stroseoflima.com • (732) 462-0859 St. Joseph, Keyport • www.stjosephkeyport.org • (732) 264-0322 St. Gabriel, Marlboro • www.stgabrielonline.com • (732) 946-4487

Assumption, New Egypt • www.churchoftheassumption.com • (609) 758-2153

St. James, Red Bank • www.stjamesredbank.com • (732) 741-0500

St. Peter, Riverside • www.jesusthegoodshepherd.org • (856) 461-0100

St. Catharine-St. Margaret, Spring Lake • www.stcatharine-stmargaret.com • (732) 449-5765

Mercer County St. Hedwig, Trenton • www.sainthedwigparish.com • (609) 396-9068

Our Lady Star of the Sea, Long Branch • www.christthekingparishlongbranch.org • (732) 222-3216

Sts. Peter and Paul, of Divine Mercy Parish, Trenton • (609) 393-4826

Ocean County

St. Stanislaus, of Divine Mercy Parish, Trenton • www.divinemercyoftrenton.org • (609) 393-4826

St. Mary, Barnegat • http://stmary.shoresurfer.com • (609) 698-5531

St. Alphonsus, Hopewell • www.rc.net/trenton/stalphonsus • (609) 466-0332

St. Joseph, Toms River • www.stjosephcemeterytr.org • (732) 349-0018

St. Paul, Princeton • www.stpaulsprinceton.org • (609) 924-1743

St. Maximilian Kolbe, Toms River (Mausoleum only) • (732) 914-0300

St. Mary of the Lake, Lakewood • www.smlcmt.net • (732) 363-0139