Single! Young Christian Woman Aug. 2011 by On My Own Now Ministries

single!

A PUBLICAT I O N O F O N M Y OW N N OW M I N I ST R I ES

AUGUST / 11

Young Christian Woman

When you are not Who you want to be The Recap on:

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t curse your wedding bed Personal Security Systems

From heaven!

www.onmyow nnow.com

Homeless Ahead:

How Will You Respond?

single!

Young Christian Woman

STRAIGHT TALK

High Fence, False Security By Donna Lee Schillinger

MOVING OUT ... SETTLING IN

When We Are Not Who We Want to Be

EDITOR IN CHIEF Donna Lee Schillinger

ART DIRECTION Daniela Bermúdez

By Kimberly Schluterman

SPARE CHANGE

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas By Julie Ann

AUGUST2011 A publication of ON MY OWN NOW MINISTRIES

www.onmyownnow. com

10.

CENTER RING

Homeless Ahead: How Will You Respond By Felicia Rose

12. THE RECAP

Why I Wrote: Don’t Curse Your Wedding Bed Before You Say I Do By Tara White

14.

JUST WHAT YOU NEED

Bible Study Resources By Jeffrey Bridgman

STRAIGHT TALK

by Donna Lee Schillinger

HIGH FENCE

FA L S E S E C U R I T Y

She who builds a high gate invites destruction. PROVERBS 17:19 b

used t Something the planners of all gated communities in the United States are yet to figure out is that sealing off a place from the outside world makes a neighborhood more enticing to the criminal mind. Gates say, “I have something very valuable inside, and you can’t get it.”

also in this wider circle of friends. Finally, there were the masses. He wasn’t a friend to them all – He had enemies among them – but He had compassion on them all, even the ones He called a “brood of vipers.” Remember He said, “Woe unto you…” which paraphrased could mean, “I really feel sorry for you guys.”

Fences are intended to be effective against the tiny minority of the population that acts on criminal impulses. But unless the fence is 12-feet high with razor wire at the top or charged with electricity, it won’t keep out a truly determined criminal; it will just slow him down. I believe that not only are fences largely ineffective protection against the criminal element, but they may even inspire criminal activity. According to our proverb, building a fence is like saying, “Come, break into me!”

If we could see people the way Christ sees them, we would have compassion on everyone too. Every hardened criminal on earth was born a sweet baby. None of them came out of the mother’s womb tattooed, smoking cigars and cursing a blue streak. Despite how bad they’ve been throughout life, Jesus loves everyone, even them. And He commands us to love them as well. This doesn’t mean we have to open our homes to practicing rapists and murderers, but I believe it does mean we need to treat everyone with civility, while employing good judgment to ensure our physical safety.

People also build intangible, invisible fences for personal security, and these invite destruction as well. The face that has written on it, “No Trespassing!” shuts down the possibility of many positive interactions that could lead to friendships, to say nothing of the fact that it doesn’t reflect Christ. More than the false security of iron gates or steely looks, what’s needed is a healthy balance of security and trust. Whereas we must keep our personal security high around the inner circle of our tender heart and soul, as well as the intimate parts of our bodies, we can be open and affable in our outermost circle. Every society on earth depends on the integrity of the masses to function properly; so it stands to reason that most people aren’t dangerous. This is not to say that the vast majority of us are highly sane and without dysfunction. In fact, it seems most people have some mild to severe neurosis, if not psychosis. So we must interact with people every day from that place of balance between security and trust. As in everything, Christ is a great example in how to treat people. Christ was so downright elusive at times even His best friends couldn’t figure Him out. He had one being in His most intimate circle and that was His father, God. Then, He had His circle of very close friends that He loved dearly – the ones with whom he shared His last supper before dying. There was a larger group of friends, some of whom traveled with Jesus, and it seems that Jesus’s family was probably

I used to interpret for Spanish-speaking defendants. Some of them were in jail on some pretty hefty allegations. When they came into the courtroom from jail, where they may have been in holding for some months, they usually looked and smelled like they just missed their annual bath. My upper lip instinctively wanted to curl as I approached them. Despite how physically unappealing they might have been, I was obligated by the interpreter’s code of ethics and my own moral convictions to treat them as if they were the judge – with respect and dignity. Without exception, I found that a respectful approach was met with a respectful response. For hardened criminals, they sure seemed like awfully nice guys. You’ll find the same to be true too. Become disarmingly charming with a pleasant tone of voice and a face that says, “Jesus loves you,” and you’ll be surprised at how well you’re treated in return.

Hold this thought: Instead of a fence, hold up the shield of God’s love. ♥ 5

MOVING OUT

by Kimberly Schluterman

WHEN YOU ARE

not

WHO YOU WA N T Y O B E

y brother is five and a half years older than me. He was a happy, even-tempered baby and a wellbehaved child. My parents believed themselves to be really wonderful parents because the fruit of their labor was evident. Since they were such great parents, they might as well go ahead and have another kid to bless the world with another of their great progeny. 8 6

Within five minutes of my birth, my dad heard me cry and told my mom, “Honey… this one’s gonna be different!” I had a different personality from my brother, literally, from the moment I was born. In our case, there would be no mistaking whether our differences were by nature or nurture; clearly, they were nature. Our personality differences have been apparent our whole lives. Where he is balanced and even, I’ve always been off-kilter and either high or low. My brother may not have been devastated when his teacher looked at him the wrong way, but he also wouldn’t have been overwhelmed with elation if our parents had surprised him with a trip to Disney World. My brother’s ACT scores in high school had a range of about 3 points between his highest and lowest score, and my scores had a gap of 13 points. He is “pretty good” at almost everything, whereas I am either excellent or terrible at things. In almost everything, I have tend to have higher highs and lower lows than my brother. I knew from the time I was very young that I wanted to marry an even, balanced, non-roller-coaster kind of person. It isn’t that those are the only kinds of people that attract me, but because I had the foresight to know what kind of person would provide a counter-balance to my more extremist personality and ultimately help provide balance in our home. I also figured out when I was young that I wished I was moderate. While I was thankful for my gifts, the things at which I was excellent, I felt that being pretty good at everything was preferable to being excellent on some things but terrible at just as many. Not only that, but moderate, medium people are more likeable. They’re easier to get along with, and I’ve always desperately wanted to be liked (another extreme trait). So how could I become more medium? I tried to make myself talk less, to improve in areas in which I was terrible, to show less excitement when I was happy and less sadness when I was disappointed. I even tried to tone down my strengths just so they wouldn’t stand out. I tried everything! My pursuit of moderation lasted well into college. It really wasn’t until I met my future husband, a highly intelligent but otherwise low-key individual, that I began to learn temperance. What I have realized is that extreme likes, dislikes, gifts, weaknesses and even some opinions are by personality; extreme reactions and behavior are by choice. I’ve definitely toned down because of his influence, but at the end of the day, I’m still the same, high-low kind of person. Moderate just isn’t who he married. I have asked myself whether my efforts to change my personality are brave attempts to improve who I am or a kind of sucker punch to the Creator that designed my nature. After years of consideration, I have

concluded that personalities are not right or wrong, better or worse. Some are certainly more popular than others, but you can’t place a moral judgment on a personality. What can be rated is behavior. A person may be, by nature, very sensitive to the words of others, but whether she reacts in outburst or understanding is up to her. Yet, a person’s personality should not be underestimated. It’s a complex concept, one that embodies not only a person’s likes and dislikes, but also her character, abilities, and ultimately, behavior. Just because my nature from birth was different from my brother’s does not mean that it is unchangeable or uninfluenced. Our natural personalities will contribute in our early years to the amount of rejection and acceptance, successes and failures we experience as a child. Depending on the message we receive after each experience, our personality may be confirmed or gently molded into something different. If some of my extreme personality traits have lasted into my mid-twenties, despite so many years of trying to change them, it’s because they’ve been confirmed in one way or another. The lesson here is that, no matter what my personality is, I can try to understand, or at least accept, those who are different from me. As I’ve written here before, few things feel worse than feeling misunderstood or misinterpreted. Don’t you just want to be known for who you are? Don’t you want your intentions to be correctly discerned and not guessed at? Since I know how much it hurts my feelings when someone dislikes me for being small or large, when I have so desperately tried to become medium, it would be poor character for me to cast a similar appraisal on another person.

If it helps, I have noticed that when I moderate my behavior, my emotions tend to follow in kind. If you are like me, and tired of the high highs and low lows, and you just want to emotionally live in Kansas rather than the Rockies, it seems the best way to learn to moderate one’s emotions is to begin by moderating one’s behavior. When I follow my husband’s temperate example in one situation, it becomes easier for me to respond with temperance the next time. Well, my husband is, among many other wonderful things, very accepting of other people’s differences. He doesn’t always understand me—in fact, he often doesn’t—but he always accepts me. While I knew I wanted to marry a Kansas, he chose to marry the Rockies. The terrain may be more difficult to navigate sometimes, but he tells me he likes it that way.

7 9

CENTER RING

by Felicia Rose

HOW WILL YOU RESPOND?

he homeless – what a conundrum. We see the commercials, pass by the shelters, and see them holding up signs, “Will work for food”; but how much do we really know about them? How should we respond to them, interact with them, and treat them? If you are anything like me, it can be uncomfortable to think about. I don’t want to venture outside of my own little world and think about what it might be like to be in their shoes. It’s easier to let some shallow conclusion like, “If they really didn’t like living that way, they would change,” frame our response, or lack thereof, to the homeless. But as Christians, can we dismiss the homeless so easily? Developing a basic compassion is a good place to start when it comes to the homeless – and anyone with major problems, for that matter. Paul reminds us in Co-

lossians 3:12-17 to “Put on as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bearing with one another… and above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Merriam-Webster defines compassion as “a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” In order to have compassion, you must first be aware of the distress of others, and that actually seems to be lacking for most people – a basic awareness of the distress that is living without a home. Have you ever put on a blindfold for a few minutes to get some small insight into what it would be like to be blind? A lot of people have done this, and in part, this may be why we have a lot of compassion for the blind. Maybe we should try experiencing homelessness too.

A simple exercise to stir up some compassion really quickly would be to spend 24 hours away from your home. Sleep in your car, or if you don’t have one, or are not that brave, how about a friend’s sofa – but you have to arrive no earlier than 8 p.m. and you have to hit the street again by 8 a.m. – shelter rules! No changing clothes, no showering, oh, and give yourself about $2 to live on for the day. Don’t have that kind of time to devote? Here’s a real quick one that you can try just about anywhere in public: Ask people for money. Tell them you’re hungry and haven’t eaten all day and ask if they would spare you a dollar or even a quarter. You only need to spend about 10 minutes in this exercise to develop some compassion – pronto! Once you actually become aware of the distress this set of circumstances causes, a desire to alleviate it should start to gnaw on you. If it doesn’t, check your pulse; better yet, check your faith. Putting compassion into action does not have to be complicated. It might be as simple as giving a dollar or two to a hungry person, but it might also be as indepth as opening your home to someone who needs a place to stay. When you meet a homeless person, you are meeting someone during one of the most difficult times of her life. Everybody has difficult times! How do you think you would like someone to interact with you during your most difficult times? One of the fruits of the Spirit is gentleness, and it is similar to two other character traits mentioned in Colossians 3: kindness and meekness. When the rest of the world just passes the homeless by, the disciple of Christ is called to bring light to someone who cannot see a way out of her current circumstances, and this isn’t going to happen with a pep talk on how to “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps”! In my experience in the field of social services, I have found that a gentle approach can lay a foundation on which a respectful relationship is formed. I have learned that people want to be heard; they want to be told the truth; and they want help out of their situation. I have had much more success when I approached others as equals, realizing that we all go through rough times, and that it is only God’s grace that saves us all. Life is filled with uncertainty. The Bible says the race does not go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. Further, Jesus says that our Heavenly Father causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and He sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. No amount of righteousness is sufficient to prevent me, at any minute, from finding myself in someone else’s well-worn shoes. Approaching someone who is “down and out” with that kind of realization will have a profound impact on the interaction.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Yes, everyone has tough times, but not everyone’s tough times last thirty years! Some of these guys are just milking the system.” And thus the conundrum: We want to have compassion on them, but how do we know they are really in need? There actually are people who hold a sign that says “homeless,” and then, after a day of standing behind that sign, go home! How do you differentiate between those who really need the help and those who are playing the system, or posing as homeless? It’s simple; give to everyone regardless and let God be the judge. Only God knows the situation of each man and knows who is telling the truth. Ultimately, “it is God who executes judgment” (Psalm 75:7). Mathew 7:1-2 says, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measures you use it will be measured to you.” Player? Poser? Going to buy alcohol with my dollar? It’s not for me to decide. Give as though each person genuinely needs help so you don’t pass up the opportunity to help someone genuinely in need. Let God take care of the rest. Besides, did you ever stop to think that being a homeless poser might actually be a fate worse than being homeless? When we give to the poor, we are living in accordance with scripture – in fact, the second-most important point in the whole book! “You should love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27-28). Jesus then immediately defines who our neighbor is in the story of the good Samaritan: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead… a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him.” When you see that man, woman, boy, or girl struggling with hunger, health, shelter, or clothes, think twice before passing them by. “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.” When we do unto the least of these, we do unto Him. Whatever else he or she might be, that homeless person is a ministry opportunity. And as you contemplate how to respond, remember to

“Do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus” Colossians 3:17d .

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE

christmas

SPARE CHANGE 10

by Julie Ann

TO:___ FROM:

_____

ait, what?” You’re probably thinking. “Christmas! It’s August and I’m still sitting by the pool, trying to keep cool and barely even thinking about back-to-school shopping.” It’s true that retailers are already plotting sale strategies for Christmas, and if you want to maximize your Christmastime savings, you should be too. Here are a few helpful tips that will help you get a head start on Christmas shopping, reduce stress and save cash when December rolls around. MAKE A LIST – CHECK IT TWICE Santa really has a good strategy in place here with this tactic. Take a few minutes to calculate a holiday budget, note everyone you want to buy for, and then how much you will spend on each person. Be sure to budget for a few unexpected expenses, as well as any charitable giving. Writing everything down forces you to consider where each penny is going. That piece of paper is like your conscience. Once Black Friday rolls around, be sure to stick to the list and budget, and don’t give in to the pressure of impulsive spending. Once you have your list in place, check it again. Did you budget $175 for a bracelet for Mom? Then ask yourself: would she actually be happier with a handdecorated picture frame with that amazing photograph your dad took of you both at the Grand Canyon on Spring Break.? Remember, it is not the cost of the gift but the thought behind it. SHOP NOW With a firm spending plan in place, you can start your holiday shopping immediately. Are you planning on buying a board game for your nephew? Then keep an eye on weekly department and toy store circulars for the games to go on sale, and then buy. If you are going for a little higher-dollar item, see if you can take advantage of a store’s layaway program that will allow you to pay for an item in installments (but only if it’s interest free). Don’t do layaway? Create your own by setting aside cash each week. You can also keep your eyes open for coupons, online auctions, clearance sales and product closeouts.

Many stores are already putting out items such as wrapping paper, decorations and other holiday items that may be on sale earlier in the season. By completing the majority of your shopping by the first of November, you can enjoy the season stress-free, avoiding higher prices, crowds and the chaos of lastminute shopping. BE CREATIVE If you are really in a crunch for cash and are going the homemade gift route, it will also pay off if you begin your crafting now. If you are anything like me, craft projects can take months to finish. The earlier you start, the more likely you will finish by Christmas, and you won’t have to pull any all-night crafting sessions. I speak from experience; it’s embarrassing to give a half-finished present on Christmas morning, and ask for it back, so you can complete it. Plus, if you aren’t especially crafty, this will give you time for do-overs and maybe get that extra help. PLAN AN ALTERNATIVE I think one of the biggest misconceptions about Christmas is that there is a requirement to give gifts and participate in all the traditional hoopla and commercialism. Whether for moral or financial reasons, consider discussing a Christmas-lite or even forgoing presents this year. Plan just to spend some time together, playing board games, chatting or volunteering at a local charity. Two years ago my family planned Christmas early. We all pitched in a fairly minimal amount of money for a beach house rental on the Gulf of Mexico and spent a few days at Christmas walking along the beach. We had a great time. There were no presents, no tree and no decorations but it was definitely one of my favorite Christmas memories. CELEBRATE JESUS DAILY Finally, the best reason to think about Christmas in August is to remember that it’s not about Christmas at all – it’s about Jesus coming to this earth, to live like us and die for our sins. This is definitely something we should focus on in all seasons of the year!

THE RECAP

by Laura Johnson

Why I Wrote:

Don’t Curse Your Wedding Bed Before You Say I Do

✎ “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” I was young and foolish and didn’t realize that lies cost a lot to maintain, but the “truth” is free. If I had only known then the things that I know now concerning sex, marriage and relationships, there are so many things that I would have done differently. My mother warned me time after time about saving myself for marriage, but I allowed my hormones, my feelings and my lust of the flesh to take control and dominate my thoughts as well as my actions. Every so often my mother would ask me, “Are you having sex?” I would look her straight in the eye and tell her, “No Mom, I’m not having sex!” I was so afraid of “coming clean” with my parents about the fact that I was sexually active. The number one reason was that I thought my dad would kill me, and number two, I didn’t want to break my mom’s heart, because that’s exactly what I felt it would do to her. I didn’t want my parents to think differently about me. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden by eating the forbidden fruit and realized they were naked, they attempted to hide from God. God called upon Adam, and Adam was ashamed because of his disobedience. God didn’t have to call upon Adam to ask where he was. He is all-seeing and all-knowing, and knew exactly where Adam was the entire time, but because of sin, their fellowship had been broken, and Adam followed his fleshy instinct and later attempted to cover his sin. I felt like my mom knew exactly what was going on with me. I distanced myself from her as much as I could, in attempts to cover my sin, so that I wouldn’t have to face my own deceit. I felt as though I had a mark on me that people could see, revealing to everyone that I was no longer pure. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the thing I desired so much, thought I couldn’t live without, and relentlessly chased after, was the very thing that I would end up despising. Little did I know that as a result of my disobedience, my life would take twists and turns that I never imagined.

I thought I was in love, when in actuality it was nothing more than lust. The enemy dangled the treat in front of my face, and I fell for the bait. Unknowingly, I had allowed myself to be tied and tangled up in ungodly soul ties!! The definition of a “soul-tie” in short, is when the two become one. In the ideal biblical sense, two become one when they are a married couple. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and be joined unto his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31). That’s a “godly soul-tie.” An “ungodly soul- tie” is when two people are connected by an invisible link in the soulish realm. This tie occurs through sexual intercourse between two people who are not married. The dangerous thing about an ungodly soul-tie is that many young women don’t know about it, but they realize that something is wrong with them. They have sexual relations, and find that they are gravitating to these men who have some type of “uncontrollable pull” over them, a pull they just can’t seem to shake! This is exactly where I found myself because I never stopped to realize who I really was. I chronicled my experiences in my book Don’t Curse Your Wedding Bed Before You Say I Do. In it, I discuss how family dynamics, social and cultural influences, personal life events, painful childhood experiences and divine intervention all interrelate and can impact a marriage and relationships in general. There are two ways to learn something: from experience and from the experience of others. And when it comes to your precious married future, wouldn’t you prefer to learn about mistakes from someone else’s experience?

Tara White is a gifted motivational speaker with a passion to inspire young girls to make good decisions, identify and release their potential. Visit her on the Web at WeddingBed.net.

JUST WHAT YOU NEED

by Jeffrey Bridgman

Bible Study RESOURCES “Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them....” I Timothy 4:16

eed some high-tech tools to help live this verse out? Try these:

BIBLE STUDY SOFTWARE • E-Sword – the Sword of the Lord with an electronic edge. You can load various Bible translations, commentaries, devotions, dictionaries and graphics onto your personal PC. Most of these are free, but there are also premiums modules for a fee. Everything is in a single window so you can easily scan back and forth between the Word, commentaries, and dictionaries. By clicking on a verse, you open the related commentary. Similarly, clicking on a word brings it up in the dictionary, or just hover over words and verses to get pop-up windows with the same information. Additionally, you can create your own study notes directly in the program, search the Bible, get the Bible in Greek and Hebrew, etc. • Logos – A bible study resource with a comprehensive library just one click away. It is designed to be simple and intuitive yet extremely powerful. Type in a particular topic, person or passage and hit “Go,” and it will pull up everything related to your search, automatically organized. It includes everything you’d expect, like word studies and the ability to compare versions, but you can also set up a reading plan. In addition, it includes visuals of everything from the Temple of Israel to family trees of people in the Bible. It is available for Windows, Mac, and iPhone/iPad in various packages that range from the simple home setup, which includes 80 Bible and reference books, to what

would be the equivalent of a full scholarly library containing over 1,600 books. You may experience sticker shock when you see the price, but if you consider the cost of actually buying all those books, along with the ease of use that Logos provides, it’s a steal. • Quick Verse – similar to both of the above options, but provides more functionality than E-Sword and is cheaper than Logos, a middle-ground that is a popular choice. ONLINE RESOURCES • YouVersion – Bible reading with a touch of social networking. You can read the Bible online in various versions and language, set up reading plans, connect with friends to keep each other accountable for reading and share notes on scriptures with each other. There’s an app for most mobile devices as well. • Biblos.com and Studylight.org are similar. They both offer Bibles, dictionaries, concordances, commentaries and various other study tools. • BibleGateway.com – A quick place to look up a Bible passage, verse or search by a keyword, in a number of versions in English and tons of other languages too. STILL GOT QUESTIONS? Though not exactly Bible study resources, Got Questions? and Answers in Genesis can be useful for answering questions about things related to God and the Bible.