RePulse 2016

APRIL 1/2016 • SPECIAL EDITION DOORCOUNTYREPULSE.COM

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APRIL 1/2016

SPECIAL EDITION

“NEWS”

cover With the DNR’s closing of the nudist Mazomanie Beach on the Wisconsin River in early March, the Town of Liberty Grove decided to come to the rescue of downtrodden nudists everywhere by making clothing optional at Hotz Memorial Town Park's beach. “I suspect a substantial increase in beachgoers this summer,” said town board member Bud Behr. "I will lovingly name those in the mood to go nude 'Newport Newdies,' because Hotz is surrounded by Newport State Park...it has a nice ring to it."

Recently, two lone "Newdies" were apparently in the mood on Friday, April 1. Behr believes this decision will set the precedent for all peninsula beaches in time for the Fourth of July.

Photo submitted by Peeping Tom.

NEWS Palmer Johnson to be Redeveloped as Medieval Times Location Lifelong Ice Fisherman Catches Cirrhosis of the Liver New Three Springs Dam Will Bolster Appleport Power Grid Waterpark to Replace Blighted Sister Bay Quarry Property COLUMNS Real Estate Report: Juddville Named America’s Top Juddville for Homebuyers Architecture Critic: Gas Station Fills Gap in Carlsville Skyline

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PENINSULA REPULSE APRIL 1/2016 • SPECIAL EDITION DOORCOUNTYREPULSE.COM

LIFESTYLE Tramp Stamp Produces Unexpected Experience for Metrosexual Volleyballer SPORTS

Peninsula Pacers Launch New July Pond Hockey Tournament TRAVEL 36 Hours in Carnot Roughing it in Ephraim’s Rugged Backcountry To read these stories and more visit doorcountyrepulse.com

Eagle Tower to be Collective Bonfire of Ephraim Fyr Bal Festival The Ephraim Business Council announced Thursday that it would forego its tradition of lighting bonfires on the beach at this year’s Fyr Bal Festival in favor of one giant bonfire on Eagle Bluff.

“This is a win-win for everyone,” said a spokeswoman for the village. “The DNR gets that eyesore off its hands, and we get the huge fire our village of pyros has always wanted.”

A spokesman for the DNR did not respond to requests for comment, but one

resident suggested that the demolition money saved on the project be used to help fund a replacement tower.

“The old tower was relatively boring,” said the resident. “A nice replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or maybe the World Trade Center, would look really impressive.

Sort of like Vegas, giving us the class we’ve always lacked on the peninsula.”

But the most spectacular aspect of the plan is expected to come during the lighting ceremony, when the 2016 Fyr Bal

Chieftan will be tasked with shooting a flaming arrow over Ephraim Harbor and into Eagle Tower. It will be the first time the village has adhered to the flaming Chieftan arrow tradition since the 1967 Chieftan went rogue and unleashed a fusillade of firebombs on sailboats in Ephraim Harbor.

“It took time to heal after that experience,” said one long-time resident.

“But we have safeguards in place now. I don’t see any way this could go badly.”

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Sister Bay Plans TIF-Backed Waterpark on Quarry Property “We know that many in the village have grown attached to the orange traffic barriers and the soothing sound of backhoes and busting pavement,” said one board member. “With our highway project wrapping up, we need to show them we’re attuned to their concerns and willing to tear things up again at a moment’s notice.”

At the meeting of the TIF district entities, including Gibraltar School District, Northeast Wisconsin Technical College, the County of Door and the village, the groups agreed that a waterpark can only raise property values in the long term.

The move bucks years of village policy that called for purchasing distressed properties of failed developments just to sit on it for years and years.

The Village of Sister Bay will create a new Tax Increment Financing District (TIF) to spur the development of a waterpark at the quarry property acquired by the village in March. The park, tentatively named Midwest Sunsquat, will be the first to offer individual, privatelyowned waterslides.

“We planned on this waterpark since 2010 when we brought those quarry operators to court,” said a village official.

“Since then, we’ve been trying to find one developer to build the whole park. Since one developer isn’t willing to take on the whole project, now we are looking at sectioning off the property into individual waterslide-sized lots and selling them one by one.”

By selling each waterslide lot for $50,000, the village hopes to find seven investors to cover the $650,000 cost of the quarry property. The administrator’s office said that waterslide developers are not likely to come forward without the incentive of the TIF. “We’re using the TIF district to finance water mains from the sports complex through the water treatment plant to run laterally to each waterslide lot, taking that cost burden off of the developer,” said a clerk at the village office, estimating the annual village water bill will now be just shy of $4 million. The water mains will run underground, marked by big green utility boxes at 100-yard intervals.

Sister Bay Sells Village Naming Rights

Safety Fears Force DNR to Scale Back Eagle Tower Rebuild “Our planned tower would never survive an extreme rain event of 40 days and 40 nights either,” the spokesman said, “and to build a tower to withstand such conditions would cost nearly $13 million we just don’t have.”

Instead, the park revealed architectural renderings of the amended tower plan, which to the untrained eye appeared to be a 7-foot ladder leaned against a tree near the former Eagle Tower site.

The engineering report was produced by Towers International, a firm that specializes in building site-seeing towers in park facilities and amusement parks worldwide.

Representatives Hold Listening Session for Listening Session waterpark in Sister Bay, the desperate need for parking in downtown Baileys Harbor – there’s just so much on my mind,” said one Sturgeon Bay resident. “There are a lot of things I’d really like to listen to again before we move forward. You really can’t gather enough public input on anything.”

Public comment will be limited to thirty minutes, give or take an hour. Those wishing to speak are asked to not prepare any notes or think about what they want to say before standing in front of the microphone.

“Just wing it!” said Johnson in a one-sentence press release.

The representatives have already scheduled 13 listening sessions for the coming months, including a high-profile session to listen and gather feedback from constituents about janitorial best practices in regards to trash bag replacements at the Door County Government Center.

Frank Lasee has asked what’s left of the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) to provide hot dogs and bottled water for the Listening Session listening session.

Trump Leaves Village with Egg On Its Face Saying the Ad Hoc Library Committee had convinced village trustees to go ahead with a plan to build a library to rival the famed Royal Library of Alexandria, Egg Harbor Village Administrator Rylan Hicks announced the only way to raise funds for the proposed $300 billion library was to sell the harbor and marina to a very eager private developer.

“That means from this point on we will be known simply as the Village of Egg,” Hicks said.

Then, trying to put a positive spin on things after the dead silence produced by his announcement, he added, “This will certainly be a boost for our Eggstravaganza. The village is even talking about making that an annual event.”

Hicks also revealed that the mysterious harbor purchaser is none other than Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

“Mr. Trump did say the village could retain Harbor in its name if we agreed to name the library for him,” Hicks said. “The village chose not to do that; however, the former Egg Harbor Marina will now be known as Trump Towers Marina & Safe Harbor. He has indicated he will be building a wall around his property. All I can say about that is that we will be building the library high enough to keep a close watch on things.”

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Joel Kitchens, Frank Lasee, Tammy Baldwin and Ron Johnson will hold a listening session on April 1 on Kitchens’ back porch in Sturgeon Bay. The session will give legislators the chance to consider public input about whether they should hold another listening session about an issue yet to be determined.

“While state and national politicians are taking a break, we all wanted to return to our constituents and hear about what they want us to listen for next time,” said the collective statement from all representatives.

“We spend all this time holding listening sessions throughout the area, but we don’t even know if people want us to hold these listening sessions.

We fear we simply may not be listening to them very closely.”

Residents will be given a chance to explain why or why not a representative should hold another listening session. They will then write down what the session should be about on the back of a Sonny’s Pizzeria take-out menu.

“Roundabouts, Eagle Tower, manure spreading, sidewalks in Jacksonport, the

In a move that shocked environmentalists Wednesday, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker announced that Sturgeon Bay’s Potawatomi State Park will be redeveloped and renamed Kohl's State Park. The move comes just four years after the Governor’s failed bid to build condominium towers at Peninsula State Park.

“The Kohl's vision mirrors my vision for Wisconsin,” Walker said.

“This multi-national, low-wage, main-street gutting corporation does to local small businesses what my reforms have done to public unions.

While my plans for Peninsula State Park in northern Door County have been undermined by tree-huggers, retirees, and other nut-jobs who care about quality-of-life issues, I’m confident that Sturgeon Bay’s citizenry is pre-occupied enough by the Big Dumb Hotel business that this plan will move painlessly through the statehouse.”

Unlike Kohl's’s stores, the new park will not come cheap. Walker plans to increase fees by up to 400 percent, and levy so-called experience enhancement fees for each bike, kayak, and baseball glove in vehicles. His plan calls for renaming Potawatomi Tower as well. In exchange for forgiving his campaign debt, the tower will be known as Koch Tower and kept private for GOP fundraising soirees.

DOORCOUNTYREPULSE.COM APRIL 1/2016 • SPECIAL EDITION PENINSULA REPULSE

In a move that caught village residents by surprise, Sister Bay has auctioned the community’s naming rights. In a press release, the village stated that the move was part of an ongoing initiative to generate revenue from nontraditional sources.

Margaret Grossmeier of Rockford, Ill., a self-confessed one-time “hair metal” groupie and ardent fan of Dee Snider, submitted the winning bid to name the village Twisted Sister Bay. Village officials were reluctant to reveal the amount the auction raised, but Grossmeier said her total investment was $27.75.

“I was surprised when I saw that there wasn’t a minimum opening bid,” she said. “And I was even more surprised that I only had to up my bid twice before I won. I thought for sure that there would be a lot of people who would want to take advantage of the opportunity.”

The village is exploring ways to capitalize on the new name, including booking hair metal bands in the Waterfront Pavilion. The Sister Bay Advancement Association said that Dee Snider action figures may replace the Sven goats used in the Seeking Sven promotion.

“In my younger days I was a huge hair metal fan, particularly of Twisted Sister. I went to over 30 of their concerts and I had a huge crush on Dee Snider,” Grossmeier said. “So when I saw the naming auction online I right away thought ‘what better way to commemorate the single greatest night of my life.’”

The village column that appears in various local publications will no longer use “Sven” as a reporter. The title of the column will now be “Twisted Type.”

Community response to the name change has been relatively quiet, though some recently relocated babyboomers, who traditionally express the preference that nothing whatsoever change in Door County from the time they move here until they die, are outraged. The group’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It!” yard signs have been distributed throughout the village.

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources has dramatically scaled back its plan to rebuild Eagle Tower after an engineering report revealed new safety concerns at the embattled site.

“The new report showed us that the planned tower would not be able to hold up to extreme gusts when under full capacity if we received a cataclysmic rain event,” said subdued DNR spokesman.

When pressed for details, the spokesman revealed that the “extreme gusts” the report cited would be gusts of 190 mph, the strongest ever recorded…anywhere. The full weight load cited would be 1,100 visitors occupying every square foot of platform and stairs, at an average weight of 320 pounds.

Walker Unveils Plans for New Kohl's State Park

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CIRCUS MAXIMUS

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