Peninsula RePulse 2018

APRIL 1/2018 • SPECIAL EDITION DOORCOUNTYREPULSE.COM

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APRIL 1/2018

“NEWS”

SPECIAL EDITION cover Foodies will freak for Fish Creek this summer. Come August, the little community will weather a flood of fantastic foods via trucks with Door County's first food truck festival.

HEADLINERS

Residents Demand Off-ramp for Jacksonport Campground City to Go Gravel on Streets Maplewood to Promote Its Downtown Granary

Fish Creek Launches Food Truck Festival Fish Creek will host Door County’s first food truck festival in August.

When the town board voted to ban food trucks in the fall of 2017, it was concerned that the trucks would compete with local restaurants and take up valuable parking spaces. However, the board solved the parking problem when it cleared several acres of land behind the community

Jacksonport Town Board to Address Parking Shortage

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PENINSULA REPULSE APRIL 1/2018 • SPECIAL EDITION DOORCOUNTYREPULSE.COM

Family Gathering Violates Open Meetings Law on Washington Island

center for its new Food Truck Festival Park.

“Where we once feared we would attract many trucks that would eat up valuable parking space, we now have room for 20 30,” said one board member.

Some neighbors complained that the town could have just used its existing lot for the festival without expanding, since the lot was rarely even half full.

“The problem was clearly that the old lot just wasn’t big enough,” explained town consultant Steve Van Vreason.

“Nobody wants to park in a small lot. Our research shows that public lots must be huge so that vehicles have at least three empty spots surrounding them in all directions, otherwise the lot won’t be used at all.”

DA Takes on Tinder, Bumble for Spread of In-Family Dating Door County District Attorney Amber Peterson has filed suit in federal court against the mobile dating apps Tinder and Bumble for their role in increasing cases of dating amongst family members in Door County.

“It used to be easy,” Peterson said while swiping left on her cellphone. “What’s your name? Johnson? Don’t date another Johnson. Smith? Don’t date another Smith.

But now that we’re a few generations down the line, cousins abound all over the place.”

The suit seeks a prohibition of the dating apps north of the county line, but Peterson is looking for temporary injunctions as the lawsuit plays out the next few years.

Local Eco Warriors Pitch Hobbit Holes, Tree Houses as Workforce Housing Solution

“We requested the court impose surname requirements on the dating app immediately,” Peterson said as her phone dinged with a match. “See? This is my second cousin.”

But not all are in favor of the ban. Tavern frequenter and general lonely guy Brad Edwards said government shouldn’t be telling its people who they can and can’t date.

“Let me decide if it’s weird to date my cousin,” Edwards said between gulps of Miller Lite.

Meanwhile, local lowlife Blaine Stewart said the ban would, “really blow up my babe hunting.”

“Look, no chicks in Door County will even look at me anymore,” Stewart said.

“These tourist ladies are the only chance I’ve got. I just can’t go everywhere in a single night to sit quietly at the bar and stare at them while I drink to work up the courage to move to a seat closer to them, using a game of bar dice or the arrival of a mild acquaintance to justify my move. You know, so it’s not creepy.”

Peterson said the statements made by Edwards and Stewart would be unintended impacts of the ban, though they would still be welcome.

The Kewaunee County district attorney is exploring the possibility of joining the suit.

Sister Bay Bows to Critics, Goes Back in Time with New Master Plan

West Jacksonport Plans December Culinary Tour Big Mouth Named Best New Artist To read these stories and more visit doorcountyrepulse.com/ (*)&%04_01_2018??!!#hahahaha

When Sister Bay approved initial plans for a new downtown hotel it received an avalanche of complaints from those who said the village was losing its historic smalltown charm.

The village board has taken those complaints to heart.

“People spoke, and we listened,” said a village spokesman. “This socialist era where we make all the great things about this community available to everyone has come to an end. So we’ve approved a new master plan and entered into discussions with developers to return the village to its historic, private waterfront roots. It’s time for progress...backwards.”

Up first is the proposed hotel site at the corner of Mill Road and Bay Shore Drive. The Village plans to rebuild the Masterfreeze assembly plant that stood

on the site for much of the 20th century.

In turn the village will still get its muchneeded hotel, but it will be located on the waterfront.

“It’s clear that people don’t enjoy the expanded public waterfront and beach, so we’re going to rebuild the hotel that sprawled across the Waterfront Park property,” the spokesman said. “We’re not sure if we’ll be able to recreate the lumber yard on the waterfront yet, since that will require a lot of waivers from the Department of Natural Resources, but we’d like to get that done too.”

The village has already secured state approval to go back to draining stormwater and occasional sewage discharges into the bay, as was commonly accepted practice for much of the mid-20th century.

Also in the plan are gas stations to replace CHOP and Bier Zot, a nod to the fillup stations that were once a major tourist attraction in the village. While Al Johnson’s famous grass roof will stay, permits for Stabbur beer garden have been revoked so the village can plow it down to make way for a parking lot.

“All those people who come to see the refrigerator assembly line and gas pumps will need a place to park,” said a village source familiar with the plan. “This town is going to be rocking once we put the waterfront back in the hands of private property owners to develop to its highest and best use. We really want to give the best of Sister Bay to those who deserve it, the wealthiest of us.”

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Local Musician Recreates Dylan with Songbird Lyrics Tangled Up in Pa-chipchip-chip Perchicka-ree

Local folk artist Sandra Bottany is set to release her third compilation album, featuring the songs of Bob Dylan recreated using the lyrics of songbird mnemonics to the tune of Dylan’s favorite tracks.

“Despite the fact that Bob Dylan’s most reputable skill is his lyric writing, I just felt his music could express the beauty of songbirds brilliantly,” Bottany said. “At the same time, we’re creating an art that will help people identify the birds they see all around them.”

Tangled Up in Pa-chip-chip-chip Perchick-a-ree features 12 tracks using the mnemonic sounds of birds instead of Dylan’s lyrics, including the barn swallow, sandhill crane and pileated woodpecker.

Senate Candidate Platform: Can I Kiss You?

Her lyrics on the tune “Subterranean Homesick Blue-gray Gnatcatcher” has been described as “truly interesting,” “not weird at all” and “something every bird-loving Dylan fan needs to hear.”

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The DNR expects to have the Granary in place and open to visitors in May, though DNR safety regulations require that the windows at the top of the Granary be boarded up.

business association. “It’s not often you find someone with that kind of endurance in this field.”

Toll, 23, already claims the third-longest tenure of a coordinator in the last decade.

Toll did not expect such appreciation this early in her storied career.

“It’s a little weird, don’t you think?”

Toll asked a group of reporters. “I was a lifeguard for one summer and I still had that job longer than this one. I mean, I’m literally still in training.”

Local business owners and dozens of tourism coordinator alumni packed the

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village hall for the celebration which featured a live performance by The Oak Ridge Boys.

Toll asked how the business association was able to afford to bring in The Oak Ridge Boys when she was not offered health benefits.

“Private donations from our wonderfully generous business owners,” Broward said during an encore of “Elvira.” “But I’m glad you asked and I want you to know that we’re working on that.”

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Sheila Toll, local tourism and business association coordinator, got a warm welcome at the office April 1 for her three-month work anniversary.

“We just wanted to show our appreciation for Sheila and her dedication and longevity in what I know is a tough position,” said Steve Broward, president of the local

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Tourism Coordinator Celebrates Three-Month Work Anniversary

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The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources stunned park-lovers Wednesday when it announced plans to buy Sturgeon Bay’s historic Teweles and Brandeis Grain Elevator and move it to Eagle Bluff to replace Eagle Tower.

“This is a win-win for everybody,” according to a department statement.

“We save a historic structure from one community and save millions in construction costs for a new tower in the park.”

A DNR source who wished to remain anonymous admitted that the DNR never expected anyone to get behind the designs proposed for the tower site last year.

“We just drew those up with crude photoshop tools,” the source said. “They don’t really resemble the old tower. One of them even has an elevator. You believe that?

An elevator. Plus, the one people seemed to like would require us cutting down a ton of trees to build this long ramp. You can’t cut a tree down on your own property without a lawsuit up here, so we thought there was no way they’d want us to do that in the park.”

The Mayor of Sturgeon Bay was thrilled with the announcement, but feared it didn’t go far enough.

“I’m thrilled to have that Granary out of my sight,” he said. “I would have preferred,

DOORCOUNTYREPULSE.COM APRIL 1/2018 • SPECIAL EDITION PENINSULA REPULSE

however, that it had gone further north to Ephraim for use in the Fyr Bal bonfire, or taken to Canada. I just fear that if it’s still standing in this country, it will make its way back to the city at some point.”

DNR Switches Gears, Will Replace Eagle Tower with Granary

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Sandra Bottany

Bottany is holding an album release party at the Mink River Estuary on April 1, featuring a live performance of five new tracks, including “Don’t Think Twice, It’s A Wood Thrush” and “It Ain’t Me Babe (It’s a Brown-headed Cowbird).”

Senate candidate for the 1st District Josh Harris announced his campaign on April 1 with a bold platform focused on the lack of sexual harassment allegations lodged against him.

“As far as I know, there are no past or present claims of sexual harassment against me, and that’s just what the people in Wisconsin need from their representatives in Madison,” Harris said during a press conference. “I’m not just asking for your vote, I’m also asking for your consent.

Can I kiss you Wisconsin?”

Opponents of Harris immediately pointed to his general lack of experience in any field and ignorance of current events as his greatest weakness.

“The guy is 46 years old and I don’t know if he has held a job for more than six months,” said Art Wilkes, former coworker of Harris’s at the Cozy Toaster Cafe in Rosiere.

While Harris does not deny critiques on his lack of employment, education or understanding of state policy, he believes the statements are overblown.

“While I admittedly don’t know anything about education funding, tax policy, natural resources or economic development, I do know that in 46 years I have never made a woman uncomfortable with my words or actions,” Harris said. “What more could the people of Wisconsin want from their legislators right now?”

“Josh has taken his philosophy of consent before intimate physical contact to the rest of his policy platform,” Harris spokesperson Aubrey Callender said. “Can I raise your taxes?

Can I close this state park? Can I get you a bottle of clean water? Those are all things we can expect to be asked our consent for when he is elected in November.”

Political analysts say Harris is the frontrunner in the general election, some calling the i s K s I Y race for him n already.

“Honestly, at this point it’s not a matter of who is the best candidate,” os s said Larry i h H a rr Holder, political scientist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “The bar has been set pretty low by our current state and national representatives.

All it takes is someone like Harris who hasn’t committed an illegal and immoral act.”

Buttons displaying Harris’s campaign slogan “Can I Kiss You?” and lawn signs reading “Kiss me, Josh” are available at Harris’s campaign website, kissesforWisconsin.com.

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“NEWS”

RO B ROS S p a i n t i n g s e s s i o n s

Run Your Buns Off! 10K

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND2018

NEW THIS YEAR!

Half Bun 5K + Bunnie 1K for the kiddies 10 Bucks* - Chambers Island - 10PM *10

bucks includes ferry fare, race entry, t-shirt, and hot dogs and hamburgers after the run.

LIV

E

(literally)

just a guy in his skin, strummin’ his guitar. april 1, after dark.

no cover charge.

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ALL-TIME favorites: streaker creature this ain’t no dressed up tune nothing to hide declassified what you see is what you get unclad and glad eyes up au naturel birthday suit is it drafty in here, or is it just me? that’s right, i’m scottish i’m bare assed butt not embarrassed farmer’s tan be gone full moon clotheslines of abandon no dressing for me, THANKS mr. commando adam’s lament the happy h a m m o c k naked truth expose Back In the flesh hello!

just just a guy a guy in in hishis skin, skin, strummin’ strummin’ hishis guitar. guitar. april april 1, 1, after after dark. dark.

LILVIV EE

ALL-TIME ALL-TIME favorites: favorites: streaker streaker creature creature this this ain’t ain’t no no dressed dressed up up tune tune nothing nothing to to hide hide declassified declassified what what youyou seesee is what is what youyou getget unclad unclad andand glad glad eyes eyes up up au au naturel naturel birthday birthday suit suit is itisdrafty it drafty in here, in here, or is oritisjust it just me?me? that’s that’s right, right, i’m scottish i’m scottish i’m bare i’m bare assed assed butt butt notnot embarrassed embarrassed farmer’s farmer’s tantan be be gone gone full full moon moon clotheslines clotheslines of of abandon abandon no no dressing dressing forfor me,me, THANKS THANKS mr.mr. commando commando adam’s adam’s lament lament thethe happy happy h ah ma m m om co kc k naked naked truth truth e xep xo psoe s e hello! hello!

No experience necessary ... j ust a happy little will to chill i n these zen painting sessions with Bob's nephew, Rob Ross.

2 hour classes at The Clearing i n Ellison Bay. FREE. Aaalright.

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