Intimacy and Palliative Illness
INTRODUCTION Intimacy can be seen as an important part of any relationship.
However, illness can sometimes change how close a couple can be and some couples might put the intimate side of their relationship to one side or stop being both physically and emotionally close during the illness.
This leaflet may help you to express your love and affection towards each other and aims to support couples by providing support and suggestions for usual concerns and questions.
INTIMACY MEANS In this guide, intimacy means physical closeness, for example cuddling, or holding hands. Intimacy is not another way of saying sexual intercourse; this is explored in another guide. This leaflet can help you and your partner explore new or different ways to be close together.
Intimacy means; · "being” together, rather than “doing” together · feeling like a close couple · focusing on togetherness · expressing love and affection for each other Intimacy can take place anywhere and may last for a brief moment or for several hours
EFFECTS OF AN ILLNESS ON INTIMACY Illnesses can affect the way you and your partner relate to each other and as a result, your intimacy. An illness does not impair the ability to be intimate, however fatigue, nausea, pain and body image factors may affect the desire to be intimate and close to each other.
AN ILLNESS MIGHT… alter the ill person's desire for closeness make both partners de-prioritise intimacy due to other demands change the role of partners, who become caregivers make partners worry about hurting the ill person if they touch them change how the ill person feels about how they look
BENEFITS OF INTIMACY An intimate relationship might be one way to feel normal in your relationship after many changes. Benefits of intimacy include... feeling comforted and affirmed in your relationship psychological benefit for ill person and partner by feeling loved and close to another person Symptoms may ease, or mood can lift increased relationship satisfaction and stability
CONSIDERING INTIMACY Prepare to be open-minded to making changes to the ways you have shared intimate moments before Think about the simple intimate moments you have previously shared, for example watching a movie together, a weekend away or cuddling in bed
BEING INTIMATE Be spontaneous and trust yourself, you don't need to plan intimacy, intimacy can be a kiss on the cheek, a stroke of the hair, a loving comment, or just sitting together in comfortable silence Create ‘me and you’ time, prioritise each other, for example you could do this by asking your visitors to come at certain times or by switching your phones off It may be useful to make plans, but to also remain flexible, for example if you can’t do it on Tuesday there is always Wednesday or Thursday!
Intimacy can be a simple moment shared together
Sometimes you may get emotional, as sharing your hopes and fears whilst holding each other can be difficult, but it can also help you to connect and enable you to understand each other.
WAYS TO BE INTIMATE A way to start is by talking about what you might need or want to do together. Both partners might acknowledge what they feel comfortable with in intimacy, for example you could; Hold hands Look at old photographs together or create new ones Laugh together at memories and moments you’ve shared Look deeply into each other’s eyes and breathe together, feel your connection Visit a place you are both fond of that may hold good memories or go to a place you have always wanted to visit Read a book aloud together Dance to a slow song together or dance to your favorite music Speak or write deep or loving thoughts and feelings about your relationship together Cuddle, clothed, semi-clothed or naked, in bed or another setting like a sofa or a soft rug or blanket, indoors or outdoors Massage using scented oils and soft music Share a bath or shower together or wash each other’s bodies and hair
Just relax and find the way together
The suggestions in this leaflet are not exhaustive; there will be many more things you can try. Remember, you are the expert in your own relationship. Just relax and find the way together.
This leaflet has been produced by the Psychological Support Service. If you have further questions or require further support, please contact your health care professional.
Other leaflets include;  Sex and Palliative illness Please speak to a member of staff if you would like a copy.
The Douglas Macmillan Hospice Tel: 01782 344300
Douglas Macmillan Hospice, Barlaston Road, Stoke on Trent, ST33NZ