Transforming Conflict

Angela, Zachary, Debra, Theodora, Dennis and Krista were all part of a pastors’ group, which met once a month at a different church. They met this way to share stories, discuss their struggles and challenges, and support each other. This month they were meeting at Krista’s church. As the host, Krista agreed to be the first to share her story for the group to discuss.

Like onions, conflicts have layers. Also, like onions, if layers of conflict are correctly handled, the result can be a lovely transformation.

My one-year old son was toddling around church during a Sunday worship service, which he liked to do, when the new pastor asked my husband to remove him from the service. He was being a distraction. My husband resolved never to go to a church service there again. But I was committed to this church and had additional ties to the building as the non-profit I worked for rented space from the church. I wanted to work through the conflict as quickly as possible. However, a fast resolve wasn’t likely. Like onions, conflicts have layers. Also, like onions, if layers of conflict are correctly handled, the result can be a lovely transformation. Yet often, when in conflict, I want to reduce it to simply the outside layer. That said, conflict layers consist of history, context, misunderstanding and even the unknown layers of ourselves that we bring to a situation.

Layer One:

After being a member of this church for almost ten years, I was well steeped in the stories that this church carried around white flight in the 1960s. Lifelong white members left the city to have a more secure life, while the Black members were left to survive. This notion developed into the understanding that white people would just leave when conflict happened. My white family were devoted members – but would we just go as well?

Layer Two:

The historic Black church often upholds the time-honored tradition of children being seated and quiet. In contrast, the White church usually has a little more wiggle room, figuratively and literally, with children in church. When the new Black pastor spoke up that day, she was following a tradition that children were to be seated and quiet during worship. I, a white woman, had come into the space believing that children should be an active part of the service. Our cultures were colliding as much as our words were.

Layer Three:

While both the new pastor and I serve the church professionally, the conflicts between white women and black women easily overshadowed our common profession. Historically in feminist movements in and outside of the church, women of color have been left out of the conversation, making equality movements unequal. For example, Delores Williams, a black womanist theologian, once challenged Rosemary Ruether, a white feminist theologian, by saying that due to her ignoring Black women’s pain and stories, she was ‘as exclusive and imperialistic as the Christian patriarchy she opposes.’ So my mobile toddler may be that particular day's topic, but White and Black women pastors have limited trust between them due to historical trauma. While both the new pastor and I serve the church professionally, the conflicts between white women and black women easily overshadowed our common profession.

Layer Four:

Power in conflict cannot be denied. I was a valued member of the congregation and had been runner-up for the new pastoral position. I also worked in the church building at a non-profit. Neighborhood members saw me as a trusted member of the neighborhood, while she was new and a little leery of the unknown area. So while she was the pastor, I held much of the power she deserved in her new role.

Layer Five and Beyond:

When presenting to the outside world, I have certain qualities that I allow to show up in all their glory because I think they will get me what I want. There are also qualities that I hide in conflict. Our blind spots can present a layer of their own during conflict. I had promised the pastoral search committee that I would stay as a committed member to the church even if I didn’t get the pastoral position. So, I was trying to solve this conflict so I could keep my promise to the congregation. I think this was more of my motivation than really wanting a transformation. I didn’t see that at the time but I do now. So, yes, this conflict was personal. I was hurt. My family was hurt. And yet, as Kimberle Crenshaw states, “urgent intersectionality was needed to come together and be transformed.” We need to dive into the layers, context, and history of conflicts even when we want to simplify. For instance, I wanted to simplify this story by reducing it to a cut and dried case. But that is just not possible in the real world. We bring our history, our context, and power into everything we do, including conflict.