Nurturing a Healing Culture

Listening to ourselves - a source of love for companionship

Amy enjoyed writing her essay. She began to realize that a listening practice needed to start within, and the idea of ‘inward listening’ had intrigued her, an inside-out gesture towards listening to others. If we are disconnected from ourselves, it will be hard to connect deeply with others. And the love that we offer others needs to be sourced from the love and self-care we offer ourselves. If we are disconnected from ourselves, it will be hard to connect deeply with others.

Changing perspectives on worship

Later that day, Amy opened an email she had received from her friend Lis Valle. Lis had heard about the discussions Amy, Paula, Kofi and Joel had been having over the past few months and had asked if she could send them her story. She wanted to share a process she had gone through on trauma-responsive worship and how it had changed her perspective on worship services. In her email, she wrote, “Amy, I would really appreciate your insights and comments, and maybe you and your friends will be inspired by my story?”

In 2014, the Vanderbilt Divinity School's students, professors, and staff gathered in the All Faith chapel to worship. We did this every week. However, something was different this time. The service was to be offered by a guest expert, Dr. Marcia Mount Shoop, who was consulting with the school to address the rape culture rampant on university campuses. She had asked for volunteers to work with her in designing and facilitating the worship service and the sermon. I was one of those volunteers.

When we entered the chapel, it looked very different. The chairs were not neatly arranged in rows but in an informal circle with lots of The space was to be pillows and brightly colored cloth scattered around. The center space was open. The chairs, benches, cloth and pillows suggested we could free of judgment and choose where and how to sit. safe for all of us just Dr. Marcia welcomed everyone and invited us to explore the space to be. and make ourselves at home. As we moved around, we found baskets filled with soft toys and fidget toys. Some of us were excited, while others were a bit cautious. She explained that all kinds of participation are encouraged and invited us to open or close our eyes as we felt comfortable, to keep our shoes on or take them off, to sit on the floor or a chair, to sing, speak, move, stay still, as Spirit called us to do. The space was to be free of judgment and safe for all of us just to be. As one of the volunteers, I was anxious about wanting to do a good job during the service. The sermon would contain our personal stories, and Dr. Marcia encouraged us to speak freely without a manuscript. I had never publicly shared the story I would share in the sermon. I was worried about what I should share and how. Dr. Marcia encouraged us to let our hearts guide us during the sermon and to let our bodies speak. This seemed to be wise and sound advice, but I felt deprived of the safety net that a script gave me. In the past, writing a script of the sermon helped me select the material ahead of time in very thoughtful and mindful ways, but now I was asked to break away from the norms of ‘preaching’, to share my personal stories and speak without any notes. With Dr. Marcia, we planned the sermon so that three personal stories would be paired with three Biblical stories. After singing, moving and opening prayers, the three of us took our place. We were three women, survivors of rape and domestic emotional and psychological violence, about to share our stories and interpretations of scripture considering our lived experience. The story of Tamar, raped by her brother, came to life once more in the sexual assault suffered by the university student. The story of the Syrophoenician woman begging Jesus to heal her daughter resonated with the life of the survivor of rape, wanting to stay in the ongoing healing journey that being a survivor supposes. The story of God telling Hagar to go back and submit to Sarah, her oppressive mistress, resonated with the struggle of the woman wanting to get out of an abusive marital relationship.

Each of us shared part of a story, stopped, then the next one came in, and so on, for a few rounds. The struggle with the Biblical texts and honest difficult conversations with the Divine was truthful. Even as Christians, we had not experienced the “happily ever after,” Instead, we grew to know the freedom that came with having been shown grace. The worship service allowed worshippers to remember and lament. While the preachers had the opportunity to verbalize and perform their remembrance and mourning for the community to witness, the whole community was invited to reflect on their own lives, to quietly remember their own stories, to mourn the parts of them that are not always accepted in society and worship and to share, or not share, those parts with the community during worship. This reflection was evident mostly during the prayers of confession in which the community was invited not to confess their sins but to disclose the parts of them that they wanted to bring to worship. They were invited to tell the truth about themselves. Even as Christians, we had not experienced the “happily ever after,” Instead, we grew to know the freedom that came with having been shown grace.

At the end of the service, I felt deep peace and interconnection with the universe, God, my community, and myself. I was relaxed and open to possibilities. I was no longer embarrassed to tell my true story. I was feeling powerful. I had negotiated with God and re-negotiated the meaning of a difficult story in scripture and a difficult story in my life. I was not 100% satisfied with the kind of God in the Biblical story or His rationale for doing what He did. Nonetheless, I found peace. I found acceptance. I found a silver lining and a path that allowed me to exercise my agency. However, only some were happy with the service. The free space, the personal stories and even the way the liturgy was presented served to offend some worshipers rather than inspire. We heard negative things about the service, and the committee in charge discussed them among themselves but NOT with the consultant or the community. Some understood it as a healing ritual to be used occasionally in safer environments and only for survivors of sexual abuse. But that was not the consultant’s intention. A service such as that was not done again during my time there.